Hello i have more two wuv headcannons :) this time it's how well the freaks can see (idk why i just thought of this) zubin- Because zube's hair is always covering his eyes he can't rlly see, so he relies on hearing a lot more. he can tell who's walking into/out of a room just by the sound their footsteps make. sometimes he parts his hair over one eye so he can look at ppl, especially meeting them for the first time (like seeing random ppl in the forest). sometimes his hair pokes his eyes so he has to brush it out the way before it inevitably falls back (i had a fringe that was exactly like this it sucked) joe- since half of joe's face is burned and he can't see out of one eye he uses glasses (those tiny oval ones in like, every photo ever) to help his normal eye work better. the normal eye is still a little bit fuzzy due to the burns, but the glasses cover that. rob- he's always crying so even when he isn't his eyes are all cloudy and wet. he wears his glasses but they don't do much due to how much he cries, and how cracked they are. andrew- andy lives in the forest like 99% of the time so he's gotten really used to the dark, to the point where he can see better when it's dark than light (basically semi-nightvision). he's developed a sensitivity to bright light so he wears a pair of stolen sunglasses if he's ever somewhere too bright (like if someone shone [is shone the right word? im in extended english i should know this] a flashlight near him) ross- since we still havent gotten any ross lore >:( (/j) i dont have much to work off of. im just gonna say he can see normally, just a little fuzzy due to injuries bora- also dont have much to work off. he has the best eyesight out of everyone. he pays reaaallly close attention to things. mostly his rats. (he can tell all of them apart by their fur, but he gives them little fabric bows or something so everyone knows which ones which) casey- i think in an older post (i think it was that fic someone wrote i forgor who) it mentioned casey falling and hitting his eye on a rock. so that eye is either completely or mostly blind. he wears an eyepatch over it bcs he finds it cool and practical. candi made him do a pirate voice while he was wearing it and that was one of few happy moments these freaky little guys have. its now a running joke between them steve- i think it was the first post/ask w him in it where the asker mentioned he could dilate his pupils like a cat so screw it. his eyes are exactly like cats. everyone thinks its cool and steve just nods cause he doesnt speak. candi- i think i already mentioned it but because of the scar over her eyes, everythings slightly blurry for her. she struggles with objects that are too far away, but it's nothing too severe. she's probably tried out the other's glasses/stolen ones from people in the forest and they might help a bit. but she doesnt want to take them when the others need them so she doesnt wear glasses (she probably put a pair of glasses on and was like. "wait why is everything in hd?")

AAAAAH YES ! need more headcanons about them that's just. Mundane stuff like this I adore it.

Zubins is. Scarily accurate this guy would be basing everything off of hearing shit that is too real

JOE W THE GLASSES YEEEEES OH MY GOD !!!!!!! AHGH I love that I must draw Joe w the glasses ... too real

Oh yeah Rob :(.. his glasses would be all cracked n broken and even rusty from the excess of tears ... sigh :(

Shone is the right word!! Andrew would absolutely be sensitive to light, he'd hiss like a cat if some random hiker flashed a flashlight in his direction, or even getting near a campfire hurts his eyes. I love the idea of him having some sunglasses so he can explore brighter areas with campfires/lights :>

I PROMISE ILL BE WRITING OUT SOME ROSS LORE SOON MY APOLOGIES.. I got that procrastination ADHD ... but yes I do think Ross would have the best vision out of all of them.

AWWW THE IDEA OF BORA PUTTING LITTLE BOWS N STUFF ON HIS RATS IS SOOOO Q_Q <3<3<3 LOVE THAT !! I think Bora would have pretty bad vision but he'd get Andrew to steal him some glasses... he'd definitely lose them and his rats would have to find them and bring them back to him 😭

CASEY. YES!!!!! CANDI AND CASEY JOKING ABT HIS EYEPATCH ... AND NOBODY ELSE GETTING THEIR INSIDE JOKE AUUGGJDHFHF <3

Steve eye dilation realness <3

HAHDHAHDHD YESS CANDI TRUTH !!! I love the idea of her stealing the others glasses / trying them on 😭 IMO I think the others wouldn't notice but Joe would definitely notice his glasses gone and he'd get frustrated...

I love these soo much I'm so sorry i replied so late... I read these a while back and smiled so big and these made me smile so big again :)) thank you <3 I promise Ross lore soon..

k whta about u there gracie how would u rank them from healthy to toxic and why does it differ from me or wh at

i mean i think most of it will probably be the same tbh but lets roll.

also its gonna be hard not to be influenced by their potential to be healthier but i’ll do my bEst. 

adonis / mitsuki 

i mean. as we all know. they are literally goals and everyone else should learn from them. such sweet hearts who really value each other and show their appreciation and care. they look out for each other and actually fucking communicate. these two are just so great and so pure?? i love them??? 

and now a big ass jump way way way way down bc these two ^^ are honestly the only healthy ones

bailey / quinten 

honestly they’re partly this high bc i dont know enough about them to see any faults yet rip,,, obviously quinten is manipulative and has self esteem issues. but bailey is kinda,,, too dumb to really be affected by any of the negative things that might come from quinten?? hes too naive and happy go lucky to notice hes just out there having a good time showering quinten with love and affection 

levi / touma

i’ve placed them a bit higher because while yeah, its not great,,, and its not really healthy, its still not exactly harmful?? like i dont feel like either of them is really actively hurting the other person. i mean levi is helping touma (/forcing him) to come to terms with himself and his sexuality. mind you levi is a very manipulative person and thats by no means healthy, and touma is a push over and lets him get away with waaaaaay too much. they need to communicate better as well instead of levi saying “lets do this/i want this etc” and touma going along with it. i also feel like levi doesnt value touma as much as he should (yet, big yet tho) bc he doesnt realize how real his feelings are. but like i said these two arent really hurting each other ?? so ?? 

indigo / valentine 

i mean yIkes yeah poor val is definitely carrying this team. indy is extremely destructive and has so many fucking issues. he really really struggles to let people in and does everything he can to push them away. the only reason why they’re even slightly okay is because val is so patient. im putting them under tou and levi though because the way indy treats val sometimes is pretty bad. indy can be genuinely harmful, he can say mean things and do things he knows will hurt val on purpose to push him away, i wouldn’t say he does this often though, only at times when hes feeling really bad and its almost like hes testing val?? that being said even normally indy is a pretty abrasive person, he swears and insults people a lot just in everyday conversation, when hes like that hes not intending to hurt val and i dont think he does so that okayish i guess but still not great. val puts up with way more shit than he should and its rlly only because he has such thick skin and patience that they word and dont spiral into proper fights and even more toxic behavior. but when indy is good, ina  good mood and feeling good he can be softer and more affectionate, he can try to show val in very very small ways that he does appreciate him. so thats why they’re a bit higher. 

luke / everett

listen they’re pretty close but i’m putting them below. mostly because of luke tbh like i’d say 65% luke 35% ev. honestly these guys indy/val and tou/lev are all pretty close. but anyway. these two are one of the pairs that really truly care so fucking deeply for each other. like luke loves ev, with or without any romantic feelings he loves ev so fucking much. and they obviously care for each other and appreciate each other, they do shit for each other. when they’re good they’re very good and if they were always good i’d put them a lot higher bc of the really strong bond they have with each other. buuuuuuut when its bad it gets real bad. and i think these two can be very harmful and toxic when it gets bad. on ev’s part it’d obviously just be his explosive temper, luke tries hard not to lose his temper and tries to calm the situations down whether hes in the right or the wrong, he has better control of his emotions (/better at ignoring them) than ev, but ev is much quicker to lose his cool and lose it for good, though he is definitely getting better at that. on luke’s part,,, yikes. when they fight and when they get pushed to the point of really properly fighting luke says some mean ass shit,. eg when he called ev a whore. its when lukes loses his tightly kept control over his emotions that a lot of his passive aggressive, judgmental shit from his upbringing comes out, bc he consciously works to keep that part of him down normally, but yeah it comes out when he gets real mad and he can be a real dick. and even when they’re not fighting luke is still pretty passive aggressive and to some degree unconsciously looks down on/did look down on ev. which is not nice

naoki / luciel 

yeah this is bc of luciel for sure,,, they’ll be up there when they get past his creepy ass behavior bc i think they have very good potential to have really good communication like adonis and mitsuki. but for now they belong down here bc luciel worships naoki in a very unhealthy way, and hes a fkin creeper 

dante / chikara 

im gonna put them second from last only because i dont think they are even at their prime of being toxic yet,, like i think it’ll get worse from here. bc right now i dont think either cares enough for it to be as bad as it can get. once it does then yikes,,, a lot of issues. 

andrew / daiki

im putting then right down here on the bottom because right now as it stands their relationship isnt benefiting either of them, its not making either of them better people and honestly rn its making them worse?? in the sense that, andrew is enabling and reinforcing daiki’s bad behavior, hes a pushover obviously and is letting daiki do as he pleases and walk all over him as he pleases regardless of how it makes andy feel. as well as that its making andrew feel worse about himself. before meeting daiki he was?? pretty content ig he didnt think that great of himself or anything but yknow. but now he feels like a plaything for daiki, he doesnt feel like daiki actually loves or likes him, he thinks daiki is just using him for fun until hes done with him. hes basically belittling himself to being nothing but a cocksleeve for daiki,,, and ofc that makes andrew feel worse abt himself. he feels like shit bc he likes daiki a lot but doesnt think daiki likes him back and he feels like shit for not putting a stop to it or making a stand kinda thing. buuuut yknow eventually he will and they’ll start getting better. idk if they will ever be near the top up there with adonis and mitsuki but they’ll at least be soooo much higher with time 

Reflection

hey,

i feel mixed things. i went to the good friday service and a part of me is happy that it wasnt awkward and i wasnt the only one that decided to go but another part of me is sad that i didnt get to spend that one-on-one time with jason. but i am glad that eunice and angela were there too. during the service, i took notes diligently and after the practical time, i did my best to distance myself from everyone else so as to not feel judged or pressured. and it did go well for a while and i was good at not speaking until we got into the small chapel and started writing our new commitments. my heart did break when i saw the whip and crown of thorns and touched it and i cant even imagine the physical, mental, and emotional torment that Jesus went through leading up to His death. And I kind of wish I had spent more time there instead of moving faster so that other people wouldn’t have to wait. But after writing my commitments, I decided to pray on my knees and I was aware when people started leaving and I knew that the room was either totally or nearly empty by the time that I was done but I just felt like I really needed that time to be with God and confess what was on my heart. I know that I’ve been struggling with what it means to rest in Christ and that’s something that I’ve never been very good at and really trying to understand my value in God’s eyes. I think I am still struggling with my identity in God but I did carry out my commitment. I am a lot more proud and bold in my faith. I’ve been able to more openly talk about my faith in my dorm, on the first floor, at work, at the train station, anywhere. And I am really proud of myself and how far I’ve grown since last year. And initially, I wasn’t really in the mood to have fun and games and laugh and fellowship but i pushed myself to learn to receive and relax so i laughed alongside them. and i did actually have a good time. i got a lot closer with chelsea and angela, jason, chelsea, and i decided to eat kbbq together afterwards and it was really fun! joyce and jiham later joined us and we all talked in between conversations. and i accidentally slipped and said, “i dont drink anymore” when jason jokingly offered me some and everyone immediately exclaimed, “WHAT?” to me in disbelief. And to my surprise, Jason asked if I had a problem with it before but stopped and I confirmed his suspicions. But looking back on it, I’m kinda surprised he got that from what I said? It could just be that I drank a bit but decided not to anymore? But anyway, I was half expecting them to press further into it but they didn’t and I’m partly sad that I couldn’t share and relieved that I didn’t have to share. I think I could have but it did make me feel kind of bad when they reacted so strongly. But throughout the day, honestly, I was forcing myself to put on a smile and pretend that I was okay. And it didn’t seem like the mood or the moment to share my struggles and I really do thin I define myself by how much I serve and give bc it is such a huge part of my identity. And I think my intentions are usually pure but there is always a part me that needs to give in order to feel like I’m worth something. And that’s definitely something that I need to seriously pray about. I think a lot of the times, I wait until I’m at church to pray instead of just doing it when I need to and because of that, it feels fake sometimes at church. It feels like I don’t really mean what I’m saying. And I definitely do think I need to spend more time with God to get over it. I do want an honest and pure relationship with Him and I know a lot of the times, my feeling like I need to be a leader gets in the way of that. And I pretended like I was fine and kept saying that I was okay but I also couldn’t stop thinking about how I literally didn’t want to live anymore on Saturday. That was less than a week ago and I just felt like I was in so much pain and suffering and misery that I couldn’t take it anymore and I just wanted to die and kill myself so that I could be happy and with God and just be in pure joy and bliss. But I’m afraid if I say anything, P. Josh will think I’m not yet ready to serve and take MAST away from me and I would honestly be so upset because of that. It would feel like EIC and yearbook all over again. But, not becoming EIC gave me the opportunity to build a much more intimate relationship with God and come back to Him and maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t be serving in MAST bc it’ll just stand in the way of me being able to rest and receive and learn who God is through that. 

Oh, I also saw Chaeweon earlier and we sat together and it was gr9. BUT, she left early and I didn’t have time to say bye! :( But we are still going to hangout tomorrow so I’m excited for that! 

And my suspicions were confirmed, Jason and Angela are going out! And I want to ask more about it but I think I am a little more understanding of their relationship now. On the one hand, I’m a bit upset just bc I don’t want it to be like my freshman year where everyone in leadership was dating each other and that just made a lot of people feel left out and uncomfortable. But I am happy for them and I hope they grow strong in their faith together. I think they both have their own issues and I think Angela could easily take advantage of Jason on accident just bc she’s so strong and he’s so kind. But they’re both my friends and I do really hope things work out.

My day today—

it was pretty good. honestly. i started my day by getting my dishes done and out of the way, chatted with Emily for a bit in the morning, and headed to school. I revised the pamphlet for A^2 with the updated fonts and printed my leaflet for graphic design. There, I ran into Andrew Shike and helped him out with cutting and checked items out for the both of us. And then I hurriedly tried to take pictures on the 10th floor but it was a STRUGGLE. And my pictures came out okay but I didn’t have enough time to take better pictures and upload them before work and the media lab closed when I got off my shift, soooo. I just decided to take my time to get good pictures for class and my portfolio tomorrow. i think i’ll try to do it after hanging out with chaeweon for lunch! hopefully we dont take too long. well, idk. i would love to chat for hours with her and it not be awkward but i also do have some work to do. i guess she can accompany me and then we can just spend the day together from there? but, we’ll just have to see how things turn out tomorrow.

and honestly, im in a constant state of being on the verge of tears. true joy is something that i have not felt in a while and i can feel myself getting numb and afraid and anxiety-ridden and im just upset bc i worked so hard to get away from that but i feel like im just reverting back into my old habits.

i drank at the beginning of the school year bc i wasn’t in a mentally good stable. im still not in a mentally good place, lol. but i am better. kind of. i just felt very alone and like i couldnt trust anyone last semester and i was the most concerned with my grandma’s health at the time bc it didnt look like she would be making it by the time i returned for winter break. and i sought refuge and mulan and dana. and bc they were there for me, i was desperate to be accepted and so, i started casually drinking with them. marlena too. she respected my choice to not drink before but the temptation was there and i went for it. and granted, i didnt drink a ton but i was definitely on my way to becoming an alcoholic. i drank nearly daily for two weeks and since then, there have been moments when i was tempted to just drink to avoid my problems and ease the pain. and thank goodness im not 21 yet or else i would’ve bought so many bottles already. it’s bc i dont have easy access that im still sober and not an alcoholic but looking at everything that im going through, sometimes i just want to give up and solve my problems by not thinking at all. 

i dont know if i feel alone bc i know that i have people around me that care about me. but i do feel like theres this wall thats dividing us and keeping me from really being raw and vulnerable and just facing my fears and anxieties and worries head on. and im wondering if the only way to get over this is to confess it to God. And while I think that will help in part, I do think I also just need to be okay with trusting others with my life and weaknesses and vulnerabilities and thriving in where I fail. Because none of us are perfect. I feel like before, people were jealous of me bc of how perfect I seemed. But now that I’ve let people see my weaknesses, I feel like they judge me and deem me unfit to lead and serve. But if this is how I can better develop my relationship with God, then why not do it, yknow? Idk. I’m just. conflicted. struggling. theres a lot on my plate and i just want to throw myself at my work so that i dont have to think about it.