yeah idk i just feel like im so lonely and i'll always be completely alone. i dont see the point in living if this is how my entire life's gonna be

sunoo feelings towards enhypen

( disclaimer: please do remember to take my readings with a grain of salt. i am in no way a professional tarot reader and all of this are alleged and is for entertainment purposes only. )

what does he currently feel towards his members?

yang jungwon

the world

this makes me smile tbh.. so sunoo feels whole and fullfilled with jungwon. he feels grateful for what jungwon has done for him. he feels like he is accepted and loved whenever they’re always together or even side by side. like the emptiness has now be-gone and is now only filled with loveliness. he truly feels thankful for him. also this can indicate that they’re now moving forward into the next phase of their bond too. (strictly note that this is only platonic.)

lee heeseung

king of cups

sunoo feels that heeseung now came to the point of realization and has now matured. he feels that heeseung now accepts and understands himself more better. and it appears be that sunoo often comes to him whenever he feels overwhelmed with the things too, which heeseung instantly helps him. he gives him peace and answers that he wants and needs. like a mentor friend, which he respects and admire heeseung for. (from what i see heeseung seems to be positive these days too im happy for him.)

park jongseong

death in reverse

wow so sunoo feels that his dynamic with jay feels like stuck or unmoving, — or even nothing at all and its making him feel sort of upset and irked. nobody is trying on moving forward and growing at all, neither him nor jay. he feels like the bond is there, yeah because technically it does . . but its like its not working anymore and its only there because he feels like they’re both obligated to. (i see this as example, you and your friends just lost the spark of the supposedly bond. its like everything just feels boring for you anymore. and/ or just your friends growing apart. i think this is what is happening currently from the way i see it with them.)

sim jaeyun

temperance

oh when hes with jake, he feels at peace. whenever they’re both together he feels calm .. like the smell of nature, the smell of a newly washed fresh cloth, the smell lavender, a night in your bed with your blanket hugging you while the rain is pouring — and lastly, a comforter. its like that what he feels when he’s with jake. they currently have a harmonious dynamic. if heeseung is like a mentor friend who gives you advices, jake is like the friend you instantly feel comforted to the second you see them. jake has an energy similar to that. (wow <3)

park sunghoon

10 of swords

oh something major happened to the both of them that caused drifting away from each other. did they had a fight? but anyway sunoo feels that their bond and him is now a sort of disaster. sunoo feels that sunghoon is hopeless and everything is just hopeless. there may be possible backstabbing that happened.. but i dont think thats what exactly happened though. but its still possible.. there may be lies being told that caused this. or someone is just simply being overly dramatic.

nishimura riki

judgement in reverse

sunoo feels that riki judges and doubts his own self harshly. he feels that riki refuses and is unwilling on learning from his past. he feels that riki is not giving the time to fully think about the matters and situations either. he also feels that riki focuses too much into negativity, which kind of loses the opportunity of possible learning. riki just cant seem to let go and keeps certain situations untouched behind, with the fear of judgements.

[ reading was done in aug 3 2022. ]

i do not feel strong. i do not feel beautiful. i do not feel empowered. i do not feel special. i do not feel like anything that i have gone through in the past 9 months matters.

i just feel worthless. i feel like no matter how hard i try to make everyone else happy, its never enough. i feel like no matter how much i do for others, how much i give and give and give, i can never get anything i ask for. i feel hideous and repulsive. unattractive and unwanted. i feel like im just there, like nobody’s especially excited to have me around. i feel like after all of the pain, physical and emotional, and the struggle, grief, frustration, and immense amount of change i have had to go through, all i get for it is a baby.

and yes, that is an incredible reward and i am so blessed to become a mother at the end of all of this. but i just wish that instead of my mother constantly trying to talk me out of keeping her, or telling me i dont know what im in for, she could tell me she’s proud of me and that im strong. maybe my dad could offer to do something for me or ask me if there’s anything i need instead of constantly demanding my help every single day. maybe he could call my daughter by her fucking name.

or maybe my partner could tell me he’s proud. maybe he could recognize just how much i have gone through & all the pain i endure every single day. maybe he could stop adding to it & instead try to make it easier for me. maybe he could post about me from time to time. maybe he could take me to dinner. maybe he could just do something special for me. maybe he could rub MY back, or massage my feet that constantly ache. maybe he could hang out with me & my friends.

but no. i do those things. i do everything in my power day in & day out to make sure he feels loved & make him happy. i don’t get spoiled or special treatment.

i am full term & still do almost everything i did for myself 9 months ago. i tie my own shoes, even though it hurts my entire body to do so. i cook for myself AND others, even though when i have cravings or am just too weak to get up, nobody brings me what i want. i go out of my way to do small nice things for people who don’t do anything like that for me.

feel like i can never ask for anything. ever. but yet i am constantly giving and giving without hesitation. and i cant stop. i can never say no.

i sit there bored senseless for hours while he just sleeps the day away because if i leave he’ll get mad and start a fight. and then he stays up all night & leaves me alone wondering what he’s doing & i wake up alone. almost every day i wake up alone. and then when he does come home it just feels so empty because we don’t do anything. i can’t do anything fun anymore & im not exciting to be around and i can tell he feels the same way. im not funny, im not smart, im not relevant. i have nothing interesting or useful to say or contribute anymore. im just a babymama who’s kinda just there because i have to be. it’s been worse recently, a lot of excuses to not invite me places & a lot of going out while im asleep. I know im not wanted around anymore... and whenever someone DOES show an interest in me its so clearly out of pity & feels so insincere, like they feel obligated to include me or listen or care, but they so clearly would rather be somewhere else.

its not anyone’s fault. im just not an interesting person anymore. i was more fun when i could get fucked up & be reckless & do things everyone else does.

its all just so unfair. all of it. it hurts. i just want to be shown the same energy i give people and i never, ever do. and i don’t even want to ask for it. i can’t ask for anything without feeling selfish.

shit, if he read this he’d probably find a reason to think that im selfish just for feeling these things...

i just want to feel special. loved. important. taken care of. interesting. whole. just for one day. but i never will.

Post breakup reflection

1. What was my role in the demise of this relationship?

Many times, he has expressed to me that I am not fulfilling his needs enough and that he’s way more giving than I am in the relationship. 

For example, he expects sex at least 3-4 times a week, and uses sex as a way to destress himself. For me, working full time with irregular schedules makes it pretty difficult for that to commit to this much sexy time. Plus, when I’m stressed, sex is the last thing I would think of. As such, I felt guilty and pressured whenever I can’t seem to satisfy him physically. It’s like I’m expected to still give a blowjob and whatever after a long, hectic and possibly even traumatising day at work. During the whole period of dating I felt like I partially lost interest in sex. Not just because of work stress, but I’m sure he played a role in making me feel like this as well. As a result, sometimes our times in bed can feel "boring” or I just seem to feel pain/discomfort from sex. To him, being unable to satisfy him made him feel upset, and he would be meaner to me as a result. Honestly, 1-2 times a week is more than enough for me, but sometimes he made me feel like I never tried, and that hurts but I guess that disinterest has caused the downfall. He said so much hurtful things to me in retrospect, and I can’t believe I just took in everything he said and thought we could work this out again.

He thinks I’m too passive and quiet, always being unable to speak my mind and engage in deep conversations with him. But again, I always felt like I am trying my best, its just I’’m so tired from work and I physically just dont have the energy to keep having deep philosophical conversations over and over again. Sometimes I would just like my downtime to be chill, making dumb jokes and just doing mindless stuff together. I would admit that it can be difficult for me to speak my mind at times, but I really really really did try my best to open up as best as I can. I am not sure how else I can be open already to be honest. And the more he demands that from me, the more emotionally tiring it is for me. Because I really am not sure where I have gone wrong in that regard, but I just know what I’m not doing enough to him has caused the downfaill of our relationship.

The nature of my job has also caused a lot of friction between us as well. There were times where I would unreasonably make him translate a lot of sound bites for me, lots of last minute OT days that left him waiting for me, lots of anxiety on my end that he can’t seem to help me with. In all honesty, he has never been that respectful to my job, and questioned my skills as a reporter. But for me, I just wished he couldnt understand why I felt like this and just be there for me (without making fun of me) when things got tough. It is my fault to an extent because I sometimes cannot control my emotional outbursts during work and that work always seems to throw me a curveball and that I am constantly seeking help from him. 

It fucking sucks but I guess its really our needs clashing against each other, and it feels so fucked up to admit that I let myself be treated like that and I question myself if I will ever be enough. 

2. What can I do differently in my next relationship?

Writing this out made me realise that all these demises are really out of my control. But I know there’s some aspects of myself that i can change. I agree that I’m a passive and less giving person, in which I swore to myself that I would change when we patched back again. I guess it was too late because you broke my heart really soon after that. 

I would do so much differently. I would never ever let myself feel small, belittled or get fucked over by a man again. I would find someone who can compliment my lifestyle and needs, and vice versa. I would find someone who makes me believe that I am enough, that I don’t have to fight so hard just to maintain the relationship. I would be more guarded, as I now realise that even the most unexpecting of people can do horrible things like cheating, but not too guarded that I lose my ability to be vulnerable and have trust issues with the guy (I should never feel like i have trust issues if I’m with someone who truly loves me). I would never settle for men who are not willing to commit, or second guess their commitments halfway through the relationship. I will never be with someone who has cheated, or are still in contact with their toxic exes. I would not be with someone overly religious. I would never be with someone who pressures me for more sex.

As for myself, I want to be more giving to the person who is deserving of it. I want us to plan for our goals and future together. I want to be more communicative even when the times are tough. I want to shower him with more loving words, little handmade gifts, acts of service to show that I’m thinking of him more. I want to be more appreciative of their presence and love, never to take them for granted. I want to spend more quality time with him, while doing my best to balance my work well and not unload shit on him too much. 

3. Have I been realistic in my expectations?

I realised that by being attached to someone, I tend to let my expectations go down without even realising, as I think my needs are not as important for now. For example, I would prefer to rent a house together and have a chat on how we can align our life goals together, our financial goals. If marriage is on the line, sure I am open to it. I would prefer to have pets over children anyday as well. I am also willing to move out to anywhere, like a bonnie and clyde do or die moment together. Our lives didn’t have to be stable exactly, I just needed a stable person that can do life with me even with all the crazy unexpected adventures ahead.

In hindsight, my ex was suddenly unwilling to do all of that with me. He gave me excuses like him still finding a job and not thinking of the future, and later just outrightly admitted that he didn’t want a lifestyle like that. And here I was, being naive enough to accept his words, thinking that we can talk about this again in the future, when his career is more stable bla bla bla. And in the end, that caused us to break up.

I would say at my age, my expectations are pretty reasonable, its everything a long-term couple would have to face eventually. It just too bad I’ve been dating people who seem to have commitment issues or “cannot give me what I want”. But what I want is pretty ordinary in any healthy relationship,.........

4. Would I date me?

I would say yes, I think knowing myself, I am a more fun person who can live a life free of guilty conscience. I am not exactly a morally bad person I think? I think I am a mentally strong person despite all of life shits thrown at me, and I am a committed person once I think I am the person for me. Just look at me in my previous relationships, trying to stick by the people I thought who loved me until they told me they couldn’t. Also, my looks ain’t that bad if I take care of myself well

Of course, there’s some aspects of me that may not be dateable. For example, I’m messy, disorganised, overly emotional at times. I may be passive at times as well. I am not exactly the kindest person as well, I take more than I give. Oh well, no one is perfect right?

5. Who was he really?

Wow... a miserable, narcissistic, cynical and all round horrible person. I might be biased because he cheated of me and broke my heart, but I really never expected him to be this heartless. To be asking me “Why are you so upset since its not your fault”?/?? Like hello are you dense or stupid or just fucking ruthless? I am upset and heartbroken because I LOVED YOU. Yes, you warned me this is the kind of person you were, but yet I am so dumb to love you and accepted your flaws. I thought my love was enough for you. Oh well, at least when the next person tells me that, I would gladly fuck off next time, because who knows when they will use that against me. Thank you for showing your true colors again and again. I think I was just blinded because I accepted the fucked up person as you are. Fuck you, you miserable shithead and for telling me all these lies at the start of our relationship. fuck you for rushing into this, and pressuring me to date and have sex with you even though I had my reservations and I would have taken things slow. Fuck, typing this out just made me realise how much I gave in to you. And that makes me sad because I comprimised so many of my beliefs just to get together with you. You really did make me feel like a fool in the end, fuck you. 

6. What is my limiting belief?

Living in this city can be such a lonely thing. When I was single, I let myself do situationships and FWBs and hook-ups, but all these just served to make me feel empty in the end. I thought I could be happy on my own, but thinking about it now, I had the help of many passing men in my life to distract things. Now that I’m not about that lifestyle anymore, it really does make me feel small and empty and lonely here. I guess my limiting belief would be that no matter how hard I try to want to be okay with being alone, I am still scared that I would actually end up alone, even though being alone may not be such a bad thing.

My limiting belief is also that I think I might never be able to find someone who 100% compliments me. Idk why that scares me so much and its such a sad thought, which is why I tend to settle and comprimise for people who may not be so good to me. Will I be able to find someone that aligns with my life goals, while being able to understand and connect to me? Whoever you are, I hope I can find you someday. 

7. What are my plans for me?

It does seem tempting to jump back to dating apps in hopes to find someone again, but I know that is not going to help in the long run. I guess i have to use the next couple of months to really re-evaluate my life and what I want next. Perhaps it is to focus on my career while learning how to manage the hectic-ness that comes ahead, and to form healthy habits like exercise and regular therapy to improve on my well-being. I also want to take the time to connect with my friends and meet new ones again, they have been so helpful to me, being there for me at my worst when I felt like this pain was just too much to bear. I realise now I do have a very good group of friends, and I want to be there for them even if I get into another relationship.

It kinda sucks having to go through this process of breakup again, not going to lie, but I want to take the time to have a clean slate of mind before jumping back to the dating game. and this time, I am not playing any games or taking shit from people who don’t matter. I want to learn how to respect myself enough to walk away from shitty people and situations, I want to learn how to protect my heart better, I want to be a better person for me. I want to love myself more so I can eventually love someone else just as much as I love me. And if that someone never comes? I want to learn to truly accept being on my own. I thought I had that nailed down previously but I guess some lessons need to be re-learnt again. 

If time goes well, I should be able to date again in a few months. I dont really think I have to take many months again to see if Im ok with a relationship again. Because I know its something I want to pursue at this point, and this process may take a long time anyway. So in the meantime, I will just learn how to take everything with a pinch of salt while I put myself out there again.

I am proud of myself for trying to take the healthy way out and trying to heal healthily from this, even though this path feels so lonely at times. But I have to do it for me...

More

Thoughts n feels After so much work into letting brianna go. Trying to build my life back. To imagine a future that i can work towards. It all comes crashing down. So unexpectedly as well. With Linden my best and closest friend showing interest in Brianna, i find my self dumbfounded. I never thought he'd do such a thing. My idea, image, of who i thought him to be feels broken. I trust him with everything i say. I tell him that Briannas relationship is with maclame is going south and jumps and the chance to ask her out. He made a small effort to do this after we broke up as well. I didn't think this was possible. I didn't think he'd do that to me. I mean even asking me before hand rather then after the fact. Where did all of this even come from? He's never talked to her for a long time. Has he always felt this way? Has he always been attracted to her? Now he's taking this and an opportunity to make a move. Did he not think how it would affect me? He never really tells me about himself. He never really opens up to me. I feel close to him because i share and we relate but he doesn't share with me. What he thinks or feels, his thoughts. Maybe he isn't the friend i thought him to be. I am closer to Brianna. She knows me. And it the midst of all this all my feelings for Brianna have come rushing back. To be reminded how much i really love her brings me to tears. And knowing she still loves me, it makes me terrified. What if I can't be who she needs me to be. What if she gets bored lf me, or im afraid to explore where she whats to go. To start such a relationship again. Terrifies me. But at the same time i get to explore my feelings of love for her. And without doubt this time. This is what i want. Me and her. Her relationship with mac is far from over. And us getting back together is not guarantee. I'm more so back where i was in June tho. I still miss Brianna. She still has doubts that us being together would be a good thing as do I sort of. I got a glimpse again at what we are. By that I guess i mean i feel i saw a higher version of who we are together. I see higher version of myself and i see a higher version of her, and i see the intimate, spiritual connection. I not only see it but i taste it, i feel it. And it's what hurts to think that we'll never be that again. But i can accept it. I have already accepted that. I know I need to move on and focus on me. Just sucks feeling like this again. I don't know if i should share with Linden everything that has happened. He still seems kinda intrigued with Brianna, and I don't like that. Like what if he asks her out more. Which he said he wouldn't. I don't know who I trust. I wanna be able to be open with him. I wanna text Brianna but I can't. I'm hitting the floor really hard here. It's difficult being alone now. I feel a sort of sadness creeping in. A restlessness. I miss having Brianna in my life. She grows a little every time I see her. I don't know if she'll ever be in love with me again. I had thought i was over her. But all these feeling have come crawling back. I feel they're important. That I shouldn't forget. She is so special, and she makes me laugh, i feel stronger with her around. Yesterday i hit a solid low and i feel i felt for the first time the pain of what i've really lost. Everything has been said. All i can really say is that I'm truly sorry. The only way Brianna and I would get back together is only if she wanted to. I know she doesn't trust me, believes we we're meant to fail or just not work out. But then again she had more arguments for wanting to be together when her relationship with mac was shitty. I don't know what's gonna happen, and the fact that leigh all of a sudden wants to sleepover now is kind of strange. I could use the distraction. So all of this has definitely changed how I see Linden. Dude was my best bud, practically my brother. Brothers don't go out with your ex's .... He's gonna play it off like it's nothing. But in actuality his intent was pretty obvious. His excitement, asking her out to drinks and movies. He can play it off as harmless, but at the same time those interactions have hidden meanings. Just spending time with a girl is always slightly suspect. If either party develops and feeling for the other it changes the relationship. It kinda shows that linden tends to manipulate things, whether its conscious or unconscious, it's kind of 2 faced behavior. It's definitely fractured my trust with him. I don't know if I can open up to him anymore. I don't want to hangout with him really. Just feels like theres some pain there now. I don't know exactly what I need to do to fix it. I struggling with the idea of being with Brianna. Maybe some trust has been lost on my side. She left me for some other guy. Yet my feelings for her still persist. Even when I did my best to forget her, they found a way back. And now I'm stuck here thinking about her again. Now there is no doubt to me that there probably is someone out there better for me then Brianna. But they won't be Brianna. We've been through so much. When i think about where i could possibly meet someone else only yoga, and small mountain town come to mind. I just don't see me dating like people do. All these norms people follow, these games they play. I don't want to participate with that shit. I think i'll get a cat. Someone to chill with. Girls aren't really a priority anymore. If love finds me, ill embrace it. I'd much rather focus on being love then worrying about finding some girl to be with. I just want a doggo and some mountains. A question I come to at times is: will she ever be "in love" with me again? Will she ever see me that way? Give me that look? I know that we "love" each other, but what does that mean? Am I a brother to you now? What's next for us? Is there an us? Can I, just, be you friend? I'm thinking about Serena now... the next girl I had thoughts about. I don't see myself pursuing her like I did leigh. I don't see anything coming about either, but she intrigues me. Don't know what to do with intrigue:/ I don't really want anything right now anyways. I wanna board and get a cat. Catpanion. So Brianna broke up with Mac, and not a day later it seem they are back together. She's giving him a second chance it seems. Even tho this douche is borderline abusive. It kinda hurts to see the comparison between her breakup with Maclean and me. She didn't really care much for me in the end of our relationship. Which kinda hurts. I wanna let go of Brianna. I guess i had hope id get my friend back at least but it appears not. I don't really want to see her even. I feel a little stagnant. To peruse girls isn't going to bring about the relationship I want. It creates a version of myself that I can't sustain. And in the relationship they see who i really am and the whole thing falls apart. I don't know what it is I should be doing. My energy is low but I don't feel sad or depressed. I feel like i just want to rest. Working out would be nice too. When i get my energy back. December will be fun. I feel sad. I love brianna still but i know she no longer loves me the same way. I dont want what our relationship used to be. When i felt like she was disgusted by me. I don't know what i want. She rather be with an abusive asshole then me. Some how i'm worse then him. Which hurts to think about. I don't want to be someone she settles for when things get ruff. I feel such sadness. She's being treated the same way she treated me. This just hurts. I need to distance myself from herself. It keeps hurting me the closer she gets. Im frustrated. Every time her relationship with Maclean goes a little bit south she leads me on a little more. When her relationship with Maclean is going well i'm her "homie" or "bro". I really want to let go of Brianna. She isn't who i need to be with. She can't leave me for some other guy, and when that goes south come running back. I'm not gonna wait for her, I'm want and actual loving relationship, i want to be actually wanted not just settled for if her other guy doesn't work out. I need to distance myself from her. I need to just remain friends with brianna. I don't know what the right choice is. Do i fight for Brianna and try and get her back? Or do I let this sort itself out? Will I wanna even be with Brianna a year from now? Who will she even be? Who will I be? I have trouble trusting her. She left me for someone else. She wasn't attracted to me during the later part of our relationship which was excused as sexual disfunction. Seems pretty functional now. It hurts to think she left me for someone like him. Maybe i deserve better? Maybe she didn't deserve me. Who or what do any of us actually deserve? It still stings to think about all this. Or to feel it rather. The best way i can put this is that this would be Briannas Karma. While we were together she kept Maclean in the back of her mind, kept connected with him. Parking at his house, texting cute thank yous. She is far from innocent. She pushed me away maybe consciously or unconsciously. But her intent her inner feelings were for Maclean. I could tell her love was a lie. There was no love first of all. Just words. Empty words. She wasn't attracted to me. I never herd "your hot" never felt desire or saw that look in her eyes. How can either of us ever be together again anyways? She doesn't love. She receives but never gives. I can't remember a time where i felt her being loving towards me. Only this brutal, cruel anger. Maybe i knew all along that I deserve someone better? Or maybe Brianna needs to grow before we can resume things? Maybe more distance is the thing that truly brings us back? If we are twin flames that is. I'm done questioning these possibilities. Focusing on the things I enjoy and being at peace is more important. I need to hold my stance better with Brianna. I can't just let her use me as a crutch when she's down and get nothing in return. This friendship is one sided. Our relationship was one sided. She never pursued me. She always wanted to be pursued. I'm tired of feeling like I need her. I don't, or at least I don't want her like that. I want to be wanted. I want someone to look at me with love. And she hasn't done that in years. For some reason I have this feeling that if or when i do actually find someone, brianna will come running back and try to be with me again. From the realization that i'm not in her pocket waiting to be used when ever she needs. It's more so a test of my own self love. To i give into brianna or hold true to myself and new relationship. Obviously this is just conjecture and i have no idea if brianna would actually react this way. I just feel that she would. I feel like i've lost the will to love. The desire to try. I saw a cute girl at booster juice today and did nothing. Could have complimented her socks or something but no. Nothing. Am I supposed to do something? Do i try for everyyyy girllll i see? That's exhausting. So Maclean and Brianna are over again. But not to worry Brianna obviously has someone else to run to. She kissed and slept over at Macleans friend Jordans house. The moment i read that it really confirmed where me and here are. I feel like i'm just some pocket change for her. She'll see other guys but always keeps me strung along so she never has to be alone. It makes me sick. I don't want to see her. She just constantly hurt me. And she obviously cares nothing for me. I need to rid myself of her she is aweful for me as a friend or more. This whole still friends thing hurts me too much. I can't stand her. Who she claims to be and who she is. She isn't worth my time. God i hate my inability to let her go. What is it? Why do i desire and person like her. One who treats me like shit, cares nothing for me, and only takes love but never gives it. I'm just sooooo done. Ugh I feel so lost, so alone. I don't know what love feels like. I'm hurting. I have no one in my life that cares. Brianna isn't a good friend. And i have feeling for her which my this more complicated. She's all infatuated with this Jordan guy. After all the leading on she does. She just keeps me in her pocket. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to just escape. Run some where like linden is. Work is going to be stressful because tyson is rearing to go where i'm all burnt out. I wish i had someone to talk too that actually cared. Games seem irrelevant now as well. Gym is difficult to be motivated. Friends are non existent. I don't know what to do. I'm sad I'm going to propose an idea to brianna. The idea of a casual relationship. Just be lovers to one another. It would allow me to express my feelings for her without attachment. To actually feel the love i have without denying it. Because being just friends is too hard. I have to hide these feeling I have.