#i can't find it to link it directly i've been googling for like 15 minutes if someone can remember
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"it's so embarrassing you like that popular thing" "oh ew that geeky/strange thing is so cringe lol" "oh it's kind of weird you get excited about that harmless shit"
dude i love how ironic and jaded you are and that's so cool and sexy of you. and i am so so glad to tell you - you won!! we all had a meeting and we decided that you won, and we are writing your name on the inside of a burger king crown. the marker smeared, sorry, but we knew any form of real effort is ugly to you. but anyway. congrats! you are officially the coolest, most ironic, most jaded person in-the-world-right-now. we would throw you a party but you would think it was totally boring - and besides, we're weird so we wouldn't have been coming. we would have brought our love of beetles and of baking and of little canapes. we would have brought our artsy videogames and pages of writing. we would have written a poem with you, our hands covered in ink, and spread out a canvas to dance on, the night so lurid and pink.
but do not worry. we will not throw the party. we will just get you a ringlight and that crown i mentioned. it is a nice crown, except for where one of us dropped it.
the vote was a really hard one because we had so many cool ironic people to pick off the shelves. all of you have hands that rot fruit, how strange is that - you can't look at something without destroying it for other people. you like it when you can squeeze a person into a pinpoint - all us small ones scampering our little feet around our ugly joys. the vote was also a hard one because we kept our voices down because you don't like it when we talk too loud. you were on your phone at the time, talking to people other than us. you are a ghoul of every moment - half in, half out, you resent us for being here without shame or embarrassment.
so good news! we have invented an island for people like you. you get to go there and speak into the air things like if you still like watching harmless twitch streamers in 2023 you're fucking boring. you will say things like liveplay podcasts are fucking ugly and it's kind of awkward they try to make everything gay. on the island we made you, all of your words will have weight. they will form in the air like icicles, large white behemoth letters that will crumple in anvils around your feet. maybe we will send someone there once in a while to sweep, but honestly you might be there for a while, alone, waiting. we are busy being outside looking for mushrooms and flapping our hands and humming. we are busy kicking our little heels while we watch cringey tv. we are busy - sorry! as an apology, we have pre-filled the island with every bland, mediocre, unscented thing we could find. the island has the texture of american cheese. the island has an ocean that never gets angry. the island is perfect for you, trust me. you will be so happy there - as happy as you can be, ironically.
we want to say we are sorry for doing harmless things that you find annoying, childish, or unappealing - but we are not sorry. we thought we could help you, because we don't mind laughing at ourselves, but it turns out you are allergic to color and noise and atmosphere, so this is the best that we can do for now. we are all making a big shirt that says i voted in the ironic monarchy. we got you one that is just a fast fashion buttondown. i am so excited for you and this island and the big life you have won. you have a cool jaded grey life and miles of irony to roam. i love you! be well.
now leave us alone.
#spilled ink#writeblr#slam poetry#i started this as a joke and ended up taking after#the poem about all the women in the world meeting in the bathroom#i can't find it to link it directly i've been googling for like 15 minutes if someone can remember#turns out frantically googling the only lines like ''women meeting in the bathroom''#''secret womens meeting you always believed happened" is not useful for . to search??? help :(#also the reason this says harmless so many times is bc like#this is 100% about like#yeah man when ppl are mean about ppl enjoying things like. fuckin lady gaga#like this is so obviously about ppl who steal ur joy for no reason (i WILL steal ur joy if ur a bigot btw)#also yes it's bc someone was like ''liking the mcelroys in 2023 is cringe''#and im like. dude what the fuck literally just let people like things it's LITERALLY not that deep.#like i dont like centipedes theyre one of like the 2 bugs im squicked out by ... but like.#if u really like centipedes. im like so happy for you. i hope you can put socks on ur centipedes#so they can speedclean ur floors. that would be fun and cool!!!#i love u i hope all of you have a weird passion i love you i hope that passion fills your life like soap bubbles
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Gonna just. Start laying out the problems with my job:
1. The job listing says they wear masks. The small sign on the side of the door says masks are required to enter.
I am one of three people wearing a mask. The leadership is not included.
2. I know damn well they're hiring us as independent contractors because they don't want to pay for our healthcare
3. This also means they don't maintain the vehicles necessary to deliver the packages for their business at all.
Package delivery is what they've built their business on. It's their entire premise.
4. They don't pay you to go home unless you're 30 miles out or more. Like, bitch, I'm only here because of you!!
5. They don't tell you about this at all. I kind of lost the link to the training material and didn't complete the additional stuff even though I get paid to do that because I thought I'd bail a lot sooner, but I did go looking for this info and it's not there.
It's not in the intro packet they made us review either. We had an orientation on it, we had a meeting on it, and I reviewed the packet at least three times. There's no mention of a home task. I had to observe my fellow contractors in the work slack and then ask.
6. They want us to go fast. The only thing this encourages is speeding.
I see now why there are so many complaints about packages getting banged up and misdelivered. Every delivery company is like this, I think.
7. They give us more packages than I can possibly deliver in the allotted time frame. I do not drive slowly. I do take a few minutes when I get there to compose myself, review the directions, put my mask and hat on, and get my packages from the back of the car.
An extra 5 minutes per delivery for 15 deliveries does add on an hour, but one night I had three separate trips that took 30 minutes each.
If you don't tack on extra time for finding the building, finding the package, mishaps that might happen, and reviewing the information to make sure you're getting it right, you're just not being realistic. Sorry I can't be like Speedy McGee over there. I don't want to.
8. We're paid by the hour btw. The only person with any incentive for us to go faster is the person paying us.
Honestly, they're fortunate I care.
9. Every order has a string of numbers alongside it in the app. Apparently, dispatch cannot use those numbers to locate the order. They can only use the order name and code, which is a series of letters.
Seriously?! Who designed this?
The supervisor got mad at me, grabbed my phone, and started throwing my packages around on the table because I'd previously been organizing them by shape and size. This makes it easier to pack. It hadn't been a problem until dispatch assigned me 14 packages and gave me 13.
Organizing them the way they want things organized is a lot more of a mess.
10. They dismissed concerns about an oncoming tornado warning, told everyone to come in, sent them out, then told them "Shelter in place, safety first!"
Again. Contract workers do not get hazard pay. Nor was it mentioned.
Bonus problem: Google maps keeps taking me through alleys, throwing a fit when I don't go into those alleys, telling me I should go all the way around the block so I can come back and go through that alley, then insisting on this course of action even when I've pulled up directly in front of my destination.
This is new. Are homeowners the ones calibrating the maps? Is that why this is happening? I'm not going there.
Waze was bought out by Google and I don't like the interface anyway. The other map apps don't have nearly as much information. Idk what to do.
I'm not even going to mention a different thing because that could result in legal action and they seem to have corrected it, but man, adults shouldn't have to be told certain things.
P.S. if I go public with their name after I leave, will they be able to pursue legal action?
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