No one:

Me when the plans change:

disassociate

I have a very difficult relationship with staying concentrated. Most of the time I find it extreamly difficult to connect to things happening or to properly concentrate and notice whats happening. Sometimes its breacuse im experiencing sensory issues, like Im focusing in too m,uch on a certain sound or ferelng or something I don’t like and I camt tear my concentration off of it and I get worked up. Most of the time tho, I just camt concenytrate. I zone the fuck out even if I know how impoortanint the thing I need to loistening to is. I look at nothing, a random spot on the wall or ahetever and I camt see anythimg else, I just stare at the wall or wherever my eyes feel comfortable gazing. I cant rlly hear anything unless something rather loud pulls me out ogf it. I can onl hear my own head, wether that’s me telling myself to concentrate but not being able to or just absolute abyse of nothing. Im finding it very hard top actually look at the keys right now, I just want to focus on the patch of empty wall above the moniter. Often I want to liosten to a song but have to replay it 3 or 4 times because I keep zoning out in the middle and not noticing until the sonmg is finished and I realise I just missed it again. Everthing also feels spacey. All the time. Most of what I can rememeber anytways. Nothing feels real at all. Nothing. I don’t know how to describe it other tha  it just noyt feeling real. Life, me, the world, people they just feel not real. Me typing thid feelks nopt real. It feels like life is a distraction and theres something else I need to get back to so im not putting my 100% into being alive, because I knmow theres something else I need to get back to that’s more impoertant. I cant re,ember anything either. Like I cant remember my life any ore. I used to have such a good memory, but now? I canyt remember what I was ayear ago tyodaty. I don’t remember taking or being in classes. And what I do remember feels fake. My childhood doesn’t even feel like me. It feels like im watching the momries and just living the childhood through someone else. I don’t know who I am anymore or how to get back to him. Who did i used to be? Where did he go? How do I get in contact with him?? I don’t think ill ever feel like myself eever aagain, and if I do it will take a lot of work and wont feel proper ever again. I feel like a weird imposter, like the shell of a person. I feel empty, theres nothing in my memory. I feel artificial yet I cant be because im so imperfect. I find it dicfficult remembering rthigs that don’t have a photo or something of them or connecting them. I feel like the momories are there I just cant activate them. If I see a picture it helps me awaken that memory a little bit but without the picture, im COMPLETELY lost. I feel like im lost in a foggy forrest and all I know is im ina  forrest and I need to get out. I cant see anything or know where I am, or who I am or what I look like or how I got here. I just need to escape. Itsa like when your reading a book and u read a page but then realse u weren’t paying proper attention and u need to go back and re read it because u took nothing in. that’s what my life feels like except time never stops or goes back so im just missing out on ehatever life is meant to be. What is everyonje e,lse seeing? I had some ;like “childhood trauma” which is why I think I hacve a disassociation disorder. My father is on the spectrum and had anger issues, my mother was an alchocolic and my broither is autistic and was very violent. Hed thrpow things and try to hurt people and try to hurt himself and he got in rouble and was bullied a lot. My dad sometimes pulled us out at night to walk the half hour to the pub my mum worked at just to drag her home because she was just drinking. She’d get drunk a lot and dad thought she was cheating and once we went to some mans house so dad could scream at him. He had sdogs and his kitchen was messy. I don’t know if she cjheated or not. I donmt really care. I feel completely disconnected to evrrything that I am and like and do and who I spaeak to and mt family and I just don’t care about anything because nothing is real so why care it’s a waste of time. I used to fail classes and slack off and hurt myself and be an arsehole and feel suicidal but I didn’t care about any of it because nothing is real. None of these things matter if its all fake. Who cares if I get hurt? Its not reasl. Who cares if I fail? Its not real. Who cares if I never eat? Nothing is real anyways. Or it doesn’t feel it. Whats the point of being alive if u never feel it? Whats the point of sleeping well if Im always exhausted anyways. I wonder what it was like beforew all this happened. Probably absolute bliss. If everyone can actually think normally then I envy them.