i know youre going through a hard time with what happened with your ex but keeping a 40 page document of his stuff wont help. ranting online wont help. ive been through what you have and trust me the sooner you realize that you arent innocent and need to work on yourself as well, and to just leave him behind, the happier you will be. hes just some guy hes nothing, live life for YOU! genuinely hoping you the best, i believe in everything youre capable of and forget about him. im also very sorry about your neck. wishing you all the best, truly and fervently. it all gets easier with time.

oh shit did i have a queued post? my bad, gamer.

i genuinely have been trying to think about other stuff these past two months. i started the document two weeks before we broke up because it documented how i'd perceived my experience this year while recognizing both my failings as a friend and partner AND his. i wanted to show it to him so i could get my feelings across, because he kept saying his autism made it so he had a hard time considering other people's perspectives. obviously, he didnt care, and i havent looked at or thought about it in a bit. two weeks, maybe. i like having the documentation though, since my memory is shit (depression reasons, and hitting my head in 2021). i tend to write things down to help with that.

also, i know im not innocent, dont worry. i have always been willing to consider my actions and apologize for the mistakes ive made. i apologized any time he told me i'd done wrong and worked hard to consider how i could do better. thats what the document was for too -- to better clarify for him that i recognized i had failed too, since my previous attempts hadn't been enough. the problem that keeps coming back to haunt me is how he refused to do the same and pretends he's blameless. he accused me of manipulating him into believing he had done me wrong. he compared me to my manipulative, abusive mother, who he knows abused me heavily growing up. he tried to claim our relationship had never been as serious as id thought so i should just get over the break up and treated me like shit for being hurt, even though he tried to propose to me late last year and said that moving in with me had been something he always planned for and wanted. he cheated on me and then broke up with me for trying to talk about it, absolving himself of responsibility while also saying nasty things to me and making me feel stupid for trying to set boundaries in the first place. i try not to think about it, i distract myself with video games and hanging out with friends, its just nights that are the hardest, yknow. he said some incredibly shitty stuff to me at the end, and lied to me so so much all year, and it really got in my head. im working extremely hard to move past it, because its fucking me up.

i really want to live for me now. the situation im in ( having no money, no job, no car, no home, and being disabled) doesnt make it easy, especially since he directly is responsible for me being in this position. i really really want things to get better so i can stop being reminded of the shit that got me here. i hope it gets better. i really do.

HOW I RUN MY BLOG.

SPEED: What is speed? I’d like to believe things are done as quickly as possible. Written word says that I’m pretty quick about things, 1-3 days tops. But if you’ve ever actually heard be vocalize my “speed” then well. :fingerguns: I’m a lazy piece of shit. So, that being said, depending on motivation levels that I currently possess, that reveals the speed in which I operate things here. But a good baseline is still 1-3 days.

REPLIES: For starters, I use thread tracker for all the threads I currently possess. And if I haven’t replied to something then I sincerely apologize. I am not ignoring you. I either fucked up tracking it (which I’ve done before) or something happened to the tracker itself. I know it had some issues recently. Can’t recall if it got fixed or not, but I know for a fact it fucked some of my replies up. 

On that note, if I have taken longer than seven (7) days to reply to something, hit me up. Let me know. Either the tracker or I fucked up and I need to be told. As stated above, I usually take 1-3 days to reply to things. So if it has been at least that long and you’re still waiting on me for something, chances are the above happened. 

You’d never know it by looking at the lengths of most (all?) my roleplays here, but I am a novella roleplayer at heart. Love me some details, bro. Setting scenes, getting the atmosphere just right, making sure you know for a fact what I’m doing at any given moment. Why? I dunno. That has a story in and of itself that will not be disclosed here. 

But don’t let that discourage you. I am adaptable and I can be flexible to what my partner needs/wants. Will I get carried away sometimes? Absolutely. Do you have to panic and try and match? Not at all. You do you. I’ll do me. We’ll work it out, don’t worry.

STARTERS: Don’t at me, I already know I’m stepping into a baited trap. 

Starters are nice. However, they take time to write and think up. That being said, if I’m writing it, you best believe it's tailored to you specifically. Though I do enjoy at least a basic idea discussion beforehand so I know what direction I’m supposed to take this, I can wing that shit like no tomorrow. Again, not that anyone would know since I haven’t exactly, uh . . . Done it yet. Rest assured, I have the list. I will be doing something eventually. 

You can also tag me in starters if you want. I’ll notice and I’ll get the idea and we can go from there. If it's just something you came up with outta the blue or it's from an ask or whatever, all fine by me. I’m pretty much open to any and all ideas.

INBOX: Ahahah, my inbox. Yes. That motherfucker. Look. I have at least one meme queued for every single day up until the first week of August. Not quite sure what possessed me to do this, but you know. At least you’ll always at least have one thing to choose from to send me every day. Old memes, new memes, random ass shit you just thought of at 3am because you figured I’d like it, send that in. I’ll answer it.

Sure, okay, yeah. I’ve currently got week old memes sitting in there right now. And there are at least month old memes sitting in my drafts that I haven’t posted yet. Doesn’t mean I won’t answer them. Just gotta wait for that good ol’ inspiration to kick in. 

Oh, and I hear Tumblr still eats things. So if you’ve sent me something and its been quite a while and you haven’t seen an answer, chances are I never saw it. I sincerely apologize. Send it again. Send something new. Eventually, I’ll see it. Tumblr can’t eat everything, right?

SELECTIVITY: What is selectivity? I’d write with a sentient stuffed animal if it had a good enough idea. Yes, I’m very aware of what that sounds like. Does that make me any less of a person, a writer, because I said that? Fuck no. I am more than willing to give anyone and everyone a chance provided you aren’t cringey.

Oh but Asher, what does that last bit even mean? Don’t be fucking weird. That’s all I ask. If you’ve got an idea, come to me with it and we’ll work something out. Don’t have an idea? We’ll talk about it. I will roleplay with you. I am by no means selective. 

WISHLIST: OH BOY! A WISHLIST!

Although, I suppose this would be where I’m supposed to give you some semblance of ideas or stories that I would like to give a shot at. :fingerguns: What is creativity? I will admit that I like to spout out about how creative I am and shit. However, put me on the spot and I will go blank and make myself a fucking liar.

I’ll give you some hints though. Love me some angst. I am one angsty boy. Do your absolute worst. It takes a lot to make me feel things and only two people have managed to get me to the point of tears thus far in my Tumblr career. If you think you got what it takes, bring it on.

I’m still exploring Reno’s drug habit(s). So I guess that’s sort of a wish list idea?

I want an excuse to be sadistic. My fucking name is literally sadistic-second and I cannot recall an opportunity in which I have gotten to display that true nature. I think I’ve hinted at it before? I know there are a couple shorts that I’ve written floating around. I think you can find them under “Asher writes” and uh . . . Fuck, what was that other one I wrote recently? “Raw meat” brings it up in the search so there’s that, too.

So those are kind of wish list ideas? I guess? 

HONEST NOTE: :dogekek: Bold of you to assume I have anything else left in me to put here. Nah, but like it was 2am when I wrote this. And you’re seeing it now at whatever the fuck time my queue put it at. Early morning, I know that. 

I’ve done a lot of changing, a lot of growing up in the last year or so. Big life changes happened and well. You gotta adjust or ya kinda sink. And boy did I sink. But I’m back now. I’m better. I’m getting the hang of things once again. 

No, but like what the fuck is supposed to go here? Oh, wait. I have an idea.

You guys want a better way to communicate with me? Ask for my discord. Tumblr messages are great and all, but uh . . . You’re more likely to get more out of me on discord than you are Tumblr. Why? I dunno. I’m always on discord. I’m kind of on Tumblr? Granted, I’m always on both places, but discord is where its at, man.

TAGGED BY: @that-turk-laney

TAGGING: Uh. Steal it, fam