#i am the worst. i suck and i get why ppl don't wanna be my friends. i wanna cry. i hate myself.
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dont have aspd but i like never had emotional empathy growing up (yay mix of autism and childhood situations that caused me to unlearn/block off emotional empathy) and i've never felt remorse and i only get small twinges of guilt i can easily brush aside, but i watched drrr at age 17 and showed it to my family and having all of em be like "yo ur just like izaya" (my mum was like "yeah if i hadnt been super careful how i raised u, 100% u would've turned out worse than izaya" which. uh considering before izaya the chara i related most to was azula from atla. fun to hear). and it me caused me to be like "oh shit maybe i should like learn empathy". i didnt realise i had cognitive empathy or that it was even a thing so i spent a few years teaching myself emotional empathy and man it suuuucks. worst decision i ever made. now i spend time being like upset for other ppl? when i used to just, be able to intellectually understand things sucked for them and help em out w/o feeling anything and so i wasnt emotionally bothered/drained afterwards. whereas now i like, spend time crying over other ppl? exhausting and terrible. it hasnt improved me as a person at all, im dont actually care abt things any more than i used to, and i think cognitive empathy is by far the most useful and practical out of the two. im not saying u shouldnt listen to ur therapist, i just kinda wanted to get that off my chest and not be judged?
WANNA MAKE CLEAR i am not judging u i just have always always always wanted to use this meme for as long as i have known of its existence
and what ur describing is literally exactly why i worry abt emotional empathy and feeling remorse like. maybe i'm fine existing this way. maybe i don't want to be fixed!! i get that itd make me more palatable and easier to get along with or whatever but i'm a person too!! what about me?? everyone will have conflict at some point; what about me makes it so that all chances of that need to be hammered down?? i'm a person too- what about what i feel is right for my own emotional state???
fun facts my fiance liked me partly because i reminded him of izaya. idk if you know enough of my blog to know my Lore but: he knew me for a day thru roleplaying and i wanted to know him outside of a rp context, and he was talking abt liking psychology. i then challenged him to diagnose me, yaknow As You Do, and in a Public Server he went "oh you have aspd, don't you?" totally innocently, he had no idea abt the stigma
i ofc denied it because i wanted him to like me and also was sixteen, but oddly enuf the aspd traits are (partly) Why He Liked Me??? not in a fetishistic way but just like, accepting that was part of my personality that doesnt need to be hammered out and like, not acting like Total Full Remission It's Like It Was Never Even There is the only end goal worth chasing like. maybe i dont wanna fully remiss maybe thats my choice and i have fuckin, command over my own god damned mind body and life!!!???
also fwiw: i dont know the rest of your symptoms but you having autism and the symptoms coming from trauma don't negate the possibility that it's aspd so id suggest looking into it more! even if a therapist said you didnt have it, they can be kinda..... stupid about aspd lmfao! don't look on quora and don't look on reddit nothing good lies behind those walls
#fwiw part 2 i found azula really relateable#:|#thanks 4 tha ask! the stuff u talked abt is important TO talk about#this fucked up life isnt good n pure and the parts that can be deemed' immoral' also need to be talked abt#destigmatization is useless if its only the Good Parts that r accepted#thats just regular ol stigma!!#wasks
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Man okay. Imma talk about the new lore drop because hooooly shit what cool fucking lore. Evil imagineer/magician guy turned scientist?? Or (and this hit me) what if this guy legit was just a scientist guy taking *advantage* of Henry? Like then he's like "I could make shit too but he's better" so I'm like. Amazing. Showstopper. Let's gooo.
As I'm observing the discourse however I'm like...why is it the internet tendency to just *instantly* jump to the "let's just focus on the worst things" and I think like...
I have the weirdest relationship with fandom. The last time I had a fandom like this I super cared about I went full "bad guy can do no wrong (even tho bad guy was legit the *worst*) and like. I was in a bad place IRL and those threats hit me in a deeply bad way.
Like a bad way.
Like in the kind of way that stuff happened.
Now. This is fandom and honestly I got a lot of help and I'm better now. And I tried to find other fandoms put together I'm transgender but then y'know both the shows I got into got cancelled after one season so I'm like, fuck it maybe I just need to make my own thing or write about it.
The thing is that like. That's exhausting. Writers deserve a lot cause it's fucking hard sometimes and I have stuff that I can look at dealing with that but LOL round 2 and I'm observing the same stuff.
I'm legit serious. Evil bad guy scientist dude who is most definitely evil who uses what amounts to like themepark tech to murder ppl? Amazing. Better than HN. So fucking cool. I'm into it.
So...I am forced to ask, why am I triggered by this discourse and after an evening of being upset and mild panic attack I have come the following conclusions.
1) for a generation and fandom full of people who care about mental health 1- there's gonna be a lot of people who are hurt over this and I hope y'all talk to those people and talk about people sending death threats and maybe like. Make safe spaces for people who are systems and fictives. Encourage them to talk so they can like...process it. Y'all did it for bl*eycapsules. Or just remember (and I have seen this) that like this new thing is canon but your au is valid keep up with- your au.
2- would it fucking kill y'all to use tone indicators even if it's an actual joke and seems obvious completely omitting me like. There might be people who don't get it haagha edgy humor. I mean. This guy's a shithead *should be obvious* but speaking just...as me. An old asshole. People miss shit.
(I am actually a really really big proponent of "hey listen this canon version sucks *ass* why not make your own thing then change the names and make a comic about it and y'know you could add your own flare like maybe it all turns out to be the backrooms or something. Enjoy the slasher-killer but if you connected to the dude be like 'fuck you Scott and canon I'm gonna do my own thing and it's gonna be better.'
That's one of the things I love about this fandom. It *was* sandbox-like and Scott seemed to like and encourage that. Don't ask for star wars. Ask for something super cool that you can make your own even if nobody listens.
3- final note. Gonna not get personal but maybe a little bit? Idk how this might be read. So this is a warning. I'm in my 30s and I'm old. Take that into account reading this pls.
I'm trans and this space is aligned with all my special interests (themeparks, creepy entertainment companies) and I wanna be here but Scott could maybe we have another adult who...isn't a villain and isn't Vanessa?
Hear me out. I love Vanessa but I'm on a gender struggle bus. I'm old and trans and I love her but I'd like a cool...idk. just another person.
The world: Kyle! But what about Mike Afton-
Im...old. and Mike means a lot to a lot of other people and maybe this is my neurodivergency but like he and Jeremy just belong to so many people in warm and fuzzy levels...I'm old. I don't go here.
The world: ok but the animatronics-
It just doesn't work for me. Sorry. Believe me I've tried. believe me.
Anyway. Dear Scott and Steel Wool are the only like decent human beings your 2 throwaway cops in the novels and a bunch of parents who have no names and Vanessa? I know this is a kids game and it feels weird to ask but could we have grownups who are masc presenting who aren't Mike Afton and aren't y'know. Creeps like Luis?
I know it sounds stupid but it really is my neurodivergency and it is so hard to explain like. Mike and Jeremy etc belong to so many other people and what's cool about this is idk I feel like I could share that and maybe not feel like a weirdo
Anyway. Those are my thoughts. I'm just getting it out there.
#five nights at freddys pizzeria simulator#five nights at freddys fanfiction#fnaf 4#new fnaf 4 art#fnaf4 lore#william afton#im actually so hyped like#gimme more of this#also poor rory
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Nona the Ninth Spoilers!!!
So I took notes through my first read through of ntn each time I felt a Strong Emotion™ so here is what my experience was like:
I think it's Gideon in harrows body
Omg poor cam and palamedes not being able to see each other or talk or anything!
Poor cam & palamedes having to basically be parents to their amnesiac friend. They love Harrow & Gideon so much they're caring for Nona like a child when she's their age, they were peers, allies, but they are so tender with her it's heartbreaking
She is so innocent and they are all in so much pain but they won't break that illusion even though she's someone they once could've confided in & relied on oh goooddddddddd
"Salt water made her feel as though, if there was someone in there with her, she would suddenly know the words to tell them everything." -screaming, crying, throwing up, etc. (Edit: tamsyn didn't have to do this to me. She wrote that line KNOWING I would never be ok again after reading it)
FUCKING cam & palamedes coming together to save Nona and almost dying but FUCKING CAM says "it was good, WE WERE HAPPY" ?!?!?!???!?!! AAAASHHHHHSHHDJDJDHEURHSJHSKABDBDJAJGDHDJANDHDJJDHDJAKWJDHCUBEUFDHDJAIZNDYRHDBDHDYEHABXHFJAKSNXBFHDHANZJDHDIEUÀAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Nona expresses her love for her friends so openly, which both Harrow and Gideon were never good at. This is the first time either feels safe and loved and they don't even understand how special it is 😭
Corona is the WORST
Ugghhhhhh Judith calling Nona "reverend daughter" gave me goosebumps. It's just, like *incoherent screeching*
I CANNOT HANDLE THE IDEA THAT ALL THESE PPL ARE LOOKING AT HARROW, HARROWS STUPID LITTLE FACE AND HER TINY STUPID BODY, BUT NONA IS IN THERE?!?!? DUMB IDIOT BABY IN HARROWS POINTY SAD BITCH FACE?!?!?!?
also holy fuck is she hallucinating?!?!? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING I HATE IT HERE
I miss Harrow 😢
I have zero thoughts about these John chapters except that he's a stupid liar face and I hate him.
Also the farther I get in this book the more I see why tamsyn said Nona sucks, cause she really really does. Bitch just ate a pencil.
ALSO if Nona is Gideon she WILL NOT SHUT UP about how pretty she(in harrows body) is, so, like.... We all knew Gideon secretly thought Harrow was hot but now her stupid amnesia brain confirmed.
No no no no no nO NO NO NONONNONONONONONONOOOOO
😰notgideonotmysweetbabynooooooooo
Uuugggghhhhhhhh cam and warden are everything I adore them WHY CANT THEY BE HAPPY OMGGGGGGGG
Ugh John sucks so bad
Who the FUCK is IN THERE OH MY GOOOODDDDDDDD
Palamedes you sweet baby 😭 I really wish we'd gotten to see more of him & harrow being friends.
I stg if John is using my sweet angel baby's body like a puppet I am going to explode
Cannot believe i genuinely missed ianthe. Saint of awe is badass AF. Also obsessed that she's here for Harrow (cause Harrow isn't allowed to die until ianthe wife's her up)
Nona fought two handed 😭😭😭😭 PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHO SHE IISSSSSSSSS
Literally how dare they drag poor Gideon's body around like that ALSO JOHN IS THE BIGGEST LIAR TO EVER LIE I HATE HIM SO MUCH OMG
Also ianthe is such a little shit her & corona are so gross.
Oh god palamedes saying he misses Harrow is TOO MUCH 😭😭
I am not prepared for how shit a job Nona is gonna do pretending to be Harrow
If Pamilla(Calamedes?) Dies I riot.
AHHHHHAHAHAHAHA CAMILLA IS SUCH A BADASSSSSS
WHHHAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT PALAMEDEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS AHHHHHH
(I am cackling like a madman but also kicking my feet and twirling my hair like a schoolgirl I lovE THEM SO MUCH) my boy is free 😭 I stg if he & cam don't make out IMMEDIATELY I will be furious!
Omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg GIDEON OMG GIDEONGIDEONGIDEONGIDEON
oh.
I wanna puke.
Pretty on the nose with the whole "makes a woman out of rib & dirt" business.
"Go Loud" 😭😭😭😭😭
I love them. I love them so much. Palamedes Sextus and Camilla Hect are perfect and I love them so so so so much. Every inch of this story is agony except the shining light of palamedes and Camilla.
Disgusted they're calling themselves Paul. Awful 0/10.
Gideon is being such a shit rn but her jokes are just as bad as ever so I forgive her.
Tamsyn is teasing me, making me think Harrow is gonna run into the convoy truck and her & Gideon will make out and be happy forever but that's NOT GONNA HAPPEN cause she's a DICK.
Never underestimate the importance of a good puppy 🥰
Oh god I hate that Gideon is back here. She's shouldn't have to be back here!!
Omg my poor baby having to look at Harrow's face without Harrow in it. I want Gideon Nav to have never felt pain ever in her life.
Oh god Gideon fuck this is so awful.
Anastasia?!???!?
"Then Perish" 😂😂😂
What the fuck and holy shit and also FUCK YES Gideon GET YOUR GURL PLEASE!!
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a lil bit of Monica in my life
for, Rantaro, Shuichi, or Kokichi
TW! Pinch at a suicidal thought and mental health issues,
I have been pretty sick lately, like, more than sick. And not like in the physical sense, but the more.. mental sense. But that’s because somebody who I really love and admire told me jow.. it’s really not me, but the ppl around me. The ppl around me fucking suck. And I have known that for a while.. but didn’t say anything or want to admit it. They make insensitive remarks, dismiss my problem, they don’t listen to me, none of them listen to me. They just bring up my mental problems, knowing exactly what I’m going through, just to get a reaction out of me, and get mad when I’m offended. They say how I’m “overreading it”- when they always make it seem like I’m a waste of time. Saying “I’m sorry that I’m not good enough for you”, or “I’m sorry I even tried being Ur friend”, when all I asked was for them to listen to me. I’m glad they tried to help, but all asked was for them to KEEP their promise…
And for a long time… I though it was just me. Because it always happened to me. But it’s not. I just always excuse ppl. I always try my hardest to be nice when I tell them to stop- and stop, over and over again. I always tell myself that it’s “just because their young.” When they are several years older than me. I say how they wouldn’t understand want I’m going through- when I told them to stop all the time..
And I am so done. It gets me so so angry. These are adults. These are ppl who should have known better- These are ppl who should have protected me, these are ppl who should have been there for me, but NONE of them would come forward. None of them, nobody wanted to be there for me and MEANT it until it was too late. I shouldnt have to be strong, I shouldn’t have to grow up so early. I shouldn’t have to know all THIS stuff. I wanted to just be ur average 13 year old girl. And I still want to. Not this. Not this at all. And I keep on just.. excusing them for years and years because I was scared. I was scared of being abandoned, alone again. I was scared of being hurt when I confront them. I’m scared that if I don’t be nice anymore, they’ll stop.
Im scared of what ppl r thinking of me, im scared, so scared. Im scared that if I just cut them off, it won’t be the right thing to do. I say I don’t care but I do. I care a whole lot.
Maybe it really is my fault yknow? That this has all happened to me. Maybe it’s just my BPD, and I’m just being really selifish, or I really am over exaggerating, or I should jsut realky just.. disappear-
… I just.. want to know what I have to do to just be.. alright.
But I know nobody can supply that answer for me and tvh I don’t even know what I’m doing or what I want. Or what I have to do to get back to be.. healthy…
I’ll just.. like some comfort- pls.. and- ty..
Hey anon! Aw man, feeling mentally sick is the worst. I mean, I guess it's called mental illness for a reason. Yikes, it sounds like you're kind of sort of trapped in a snake pit. I get it, I usually don't wanna call people around me out either, partially because I'm just as much of a dick as they are, but hey, that part's not important. Wow, it sounds to me like you deserve a whole lot better than you're getting. Bringing up mental problems just to get a reaction is pretty fucking low, I gotta say. Why are they getting mad? You're the only one who has the right to be mad or offended in that situation. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, and no! You're not overreading it! I wanna throw something at them, I don't know how, but I'll figure it out. Ugh, ewww, that's so petty and gaslight-y. Honestly, I don't think they're even trying to help, much less keep promises. Anon, it's so totally not you! These people are toxic as hell. Like I said before, snake pit! Good, I'm glad you're noticing that it's not you. Honestly, you seem like you're too nice for your own good. I would never give people like this that many chances, and honestly you really don't have to keep doing this. If you want to get the hell out of dodge, do it. Yup, called it. You try too hard to be nice. You don't owe anyone anything, especially not these assholes. And they're older than you? Jeez, I can't even see my opinion of them any more, it's so low it's gone underground. Yeah, I think it's fine to tell them that, because they really don't have any idea what's going on with you. These guys definitely aren't even trying to understand, and honestly it's really disappointing.
Yeah, you totally should be angry! You're so right, these people are freaking adults who like, could have done the bare minimum and gotten their shit together to actually help you out. God, that's so fucking irritating anon, you deserve so much better than that boatload of train wrecks. I'm getting annoyed just thinking about it! Oh damn, you're only thirteen? And you're being forced to be the "adult"? Yeah, you shouldn't have been forced to be this strong and isolated. I'm really really glad you know that you don't want to deal with this shit anymore, that's a really big step forward, and you gotta hold onto those feelings. They can help you going forward. I don't think you can exactly be a quote unquote "normal" thirteen year old anymore, but you can totally get your life pretty damn close to that. Your life doesn't have to be this way forever. I'm so sorry you're scared. Honestly, you're the one who should abandon them if anything. They don't deserve your niceness, they lost that chance a long time ago from what I can see.
It's such a hard situation, I know. I'm right there with you. I say I don't care all the time when I really do, and it fucking hurts. But you gotta move on. As painful as it is, if you're gonna get yourself into a healthier headspace, these people have to go. You need people who are genuinely supportive of you, and it sounds that the people you have around you now are causing a huge part of your struggles. So in my humble opinion, it's time for those people to go. It's hard, but it's gotta be done. You're going to have to be strong for a little bit longer. Look for people who are actually good people. And hey! It's sure as hell not your fault! You're not being selfish, and I don't think any mental conditions are to blame either. You're not overexaggerating, and you better not even think about disappearing! You're the good person here, not the others. You don't have to go down with a sinking ship anon, I can't stress that enough. I think you need a clean break, a fresh start, and some actual support, professional or otherwise. Yeah, you're right. I can't tell you exactly what you should do, but hopefully the suggestions I gave can give you a starting point. It's ok, no one knows what they're doing all the time. I barely know what I'm doing on a daily basis. I'm so freaking proud of you for wanting to be healthy, and you can get there. I know
you can. You're a fighter anon, and I promise you, you're close to winning if you play your cards right. You're not the problem anon, you're not overreacting, and none of this is your fault. You don't need to pay for other peoples' failures. You've done that enough, and you have every right to break free. You're gonna get out of this, I promise. Find the way out that works for you, do some research, reach out to people who you can trust, things like that. You can do this. Just remember you're not the bad guy, ok?
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Hey there anon, mental sickness can be even more draining than physical sickness sometimes, and I'm real sorry to hear that you're going through that. Yeah, I can totally relate. I had almost the exact same thing happen to me, where I was tangled up with people that were just draining me and giving nothing back in return. And it's fucking exhausting. Yeah, even if you know these things deep down, it's hard to actually face it and accept it. That's not on you, it's never easy to do. I'm gonna be blunt, the people around you are treating you like shit, and you sure as hell don't deserve it. Trawling for reactions, gaslighting, and plain old disrespect are all things you're getting when you haven't done even the slightest thing to deserve it. You're not overreading anything, you're seeing it clearly, I promise. Kokichi's right, these people aren't helping at all. And hey, I'm really glad you know it's not you. I know it can take a long time to see that, but you're seeing it now, and that's real good. I do exactly what you're doing. I'm pretty notorious for being nice to people when they definitely don't deserve it. Honestly, those people are leeching off of you, just draining the life out of you. I know, it's so easy to just excuse people and tell them to stop, but these guys aren't listening. And they're older than you? That's inexcusable. The fact that you're the one with the most maturity in this situation is insanity.
I gotta agree with Kokichi again, these people have no idea what you're going through, so they can't say shit about what you're going through. Unless they've walked a mile in your shoes, which they haven't, they can't speak to what you feel or what you go through. Good! Be done with them, this is the start of really moving forward and making the changes you need to get healthy. You're exactly right, these people should have been there and protected you, and it's too late for any redemption, at least right now. You're not in a place to forgive them, right now I think the most important thing is to just get out of there.
I know you don't want this, and you don't deserve it. It doesn't have to go on forever, ok? I know it's scary, but you need to get yourself out of this. Honestly, them getting out of your life would be a good thing. Breaking off like this is never easy, trust me I've been there. I know, but I really think cutting them off is the right way to go. The only person you gotta think about now is yourself. It's not your fault, BPD or not, and you sure as hell aren't better off disappearing. It's still your life, and you can still take it back. Yeah, we can't tell you what you should do, but Kokichi's suggestions for contacting people you trust, maybe getting professional help, and making it a clean break might be good places to start. You can make it, I promise you can get yourself to a place in life where you're healthy. It was never you, it was always these people. You don't owe anyone anything. Just focus on you.
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There isn't much I can say that Rantaro or Kokichi haven't said already. Though...I don't understand what you are going through. Though, I do know that you are not the one at fault. This is entirely the fault of the adults in this situation. They clearly do not understand what you are going through. You have every right to be angry. You're not overreacting. You're not being selfish. You're not wrong for wanting all of this pain and abuse to end. The people around you have clearly been toxic, and I'm afraid that they will continue to be toxic.
It's going to be difficult especially if these people have been in your life for a long time. Though...it may be best to cut those people out of your life. Perhaps call and talk to someone you know you can trust and get some profrssional help. It's a big step, and it can be rather painful, but it'll be better for you in the long run, anon...at least I think so. Though, definitely talk to a professional about this one day, alright?
I don't know how to answer that, but I know that you'll get your answer someday. It may take sometime, and it may hurt at first, but I know you'll find a way to be okay. You're only 13 years old, after all. You have a whole life ahead of you, and I know with how patient, kind, and strong you are that you'll be able to make the life you want for yourself. You're a good person, anon, and I know you'll be okay and happy one day, and I hope that day comes soon.
#danganronpa#danganronpa roleplay blog#ask#kokichi oma#rantaro amami#shuichi saihara#mod kokichi#mod rantaro#mod shuichi
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Is it ok for a white person like me to put "BLM✊🏿ACAB" or something of the sort in my blog bio for support/solidarity? I don't want to cross any unknown lines etc
I feel like im the WORST person to ask aside from literally another white person bc im so lax about shit like that. Tumblr is, unfortunately, an angry and awful place full of people waiting to make their next big callout like a rabid dog yanking at their leash. And even if it werent for like, the possibility of a callout, people are real quick to exert some kind of dominance i guess, especially in light of whats just happened; to feel some kind of power and control in a time and place where that kind of power and control is practically nonexistent.
But like, as an actual answer...IMO....id say go for it; ur not making a profit off of it; ur not promoting urself by just having it in ur bio( ppl have to already see ur blog to see the bio yanno), and its a really general (but v appreciated) show of solidarity. Im tired of seeing posts about direct action n whatnot; sometimes u Dont have the means to give money or protest and u wanna be able to say “shit sucks and i want u to know im hearing it and im seeing it and ur in my thoughts”
But like, as a last point; you dont NEED to ask me or any other black people whats okay and whats not okay in regards to this whole blm thing no matter what anyone or their passive aggressive posts say. If ur first thought is to say “BLM✊🏾ACAB” then why am i gonna fight u on whether or not thats socially acceptable™️ when we have Actual Real Threats like cops trying to kill us lmao, i think, again, people focus on the wrong thing to get angry and nitpicky at because this is the only bit of power and control they can have from their corner of the internet.
TLDR; Go wild; paste that shit on ur bio and be happy, i dont think ur steppin on anyones toes by being supportive; thats not even remotely close to an issue i think anyone should be concerned about. But please dont feel like u gotta be walkin on eggshells when ur first thought is to show some form of solidarity w us. Angry people are angry (for good reasons!!) but some of them can and WILL redirect that anger into something they can control that seems real and tangible like making passive aggressive posts and stalking peoples blogs and as someone who just wants to show some solidarity wo making it their new personality, you shouldnt be taking bs from anyone
#that applies to like#literally everything here on tumblr#people will FIND reasons to be angry at u if they really wanna#you gotta decide for urself if u think what ur doing is a good thing#like#‘should i get anon hate for doing this? no? then i dont deserve it and im gonna keep doing it’#dont get me wrong#i REALLY appreciate u asking!#im just so lax and carefree about it lmao#there are actual issues to worry about than thinking if a white person can say BLM lmao#if ur afraid that u might get the smallest bit of anon hate for it then maybe not do it ??#but ive always been steadfast in what i believe in and what i like#so ive personally never cared about getting them
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July 7
7:11 AM, Saturday morning, living room, Rize.
Listening to Arctic Monkeys
Just had breakfast, pretty simple lebbaneh spread, toast, and jam.
I'm trying to ignore my dads ranting about how we don't get it, how a certain ppl (will refer to them as Ts) are not really racist, they r just not educated well enough in certain issues that regard Arabs. Personally, I think racism stems from humans just being scared of change or something different, it's an innate physiological response. I'm not justifying it, just cuz ppl cant help how they initially feel about something that doesn't mean, oh I’ll just avoid it forever cuz it makes me feel bad. We as beings capable of higher thought are obliged to observe, study, and attempt to make sense of how the world around us functions in relation to us.
Therefore we always need to reassess how we feel about everything and anything and ask ourselves why do I feel this way about this? are my feelings justified? if so in what way? if not then I need to teach myself how to handle such issues better. Don't just accept that ur a racist asshole, ask urself why u feel this way, realize why, and learn to be better.
Going back to my original point, u cant say no the Ts ppl are not racist, everyone is, its an involuntary human reaction to reject and react negatively to anything different or unusual. The difference is there r ppl who acknowledge that in them and reflect on themselves and actions.
It seems to me that the majority of ppl here are not willing to think and reflect on their perceptions of Arabs, but then again this is a remote town. Unlike the big city, ppl there r more educated, more exposed to the world, and racially mixed. They have better shit to do, then stare and shit talk at me (not even to my back mind u, cuz I don't understand the damn language), which is why I fucking like cities cuz I dont like having to put up with shit like this, yeah big cities have their pos and cons (like literally everything on this planet). U have to decide what pros and cons work for u, and fucking go with it.
I don't like it here, I don't like this part of the country. ALso what the fuck was my dad expecting from fucking conservatives???!! like ofc they won't accept u and react the way they do. U think they care what u identify as? u think they care ur half Ts like them? no bitch, ur an outsider to them. THATS WHY INSTEAD OF SHIT TALKING THE SECULARISTS AND LIBERALS 24/7 AROUND THE CLOCK, fucking checking urself...
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I often wonder how my parents would react to the shit I have done behind their back, and the shit I keep to myself... I think about the worst thing they have ever reacted to, then x that by 1000 lol
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3:52 PM
‘My’ bedroom, Rize.
Finally bought a new scale today, cuz u know a bitch gotta keep track of her weight, even during vacay. U know what really boils my noodle? weight plateau, which r a fucking regular thing for me god fucking damn it...
I helped my mum make lunch today, a classic vegetarian dish. I so wanted to try it along with the tomato pasta, but u know calorie counting and low-carb+sugar diet. I already ate, but I didn't really feel like it was enough (I felt dizzy and frail for most of the day- and it was interfering with my functionality), but I told myself bitch u gotta lose more weight. But then I was like fuck it ima eat lunch and the damn pasta. And I fucking did, and it was so fucking good omg, it watered my almonds so good, I went from plotting to fight and strangle people, straight to wanting to hug everyone. Man I don't know its weird bodies r weird
SO far I know it's my caffeine intake, irregular sleep, irregular eating schedule (I try my best to work on that one, but its hard when the whole fucking family is involved, and on vacay), exercise plan (or lack of at the time being), caloric intake, my fiber, sugar and protein intake, and god knows what else, but so far these r the culprits. I gotta put a plan of action to tackle and apprehend these bad bois.
Anyway, I'm leaving in a bit, an obligation calls. My parents have this social gathering, im being coxed into joining them, although I really don't fucking want to. Let's just say I don't care for such events nor the ppl attending (mostly cuz I don't know them, and I can't fucking speak the language), not like I can interact even if I wanted to, which is relieving in a way, but also annoying cuz I still need to be there, and sit ideally smiling like an idiot. I feel like the shitty teenager I once was, and a large part of me thinks its probably cuz I didn't really grow out of that...haha...omg I lowkey hate myself.
I dont wanna be negative but its gonna suck. And I'm probably going to do some dumb shit.
Will update on the ship wreck.
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Episode Twelve - “Phoenix i just want u to know u that i don't think of u just as an object to buy me things” - Tara
Tara
i'm genuinely rly sad about richie leaving. i wish i put in more effort to talk to him n b friends w him bcos he has such a fun character. what stopped me was i knew he thought i was a leaker and i just thought he wouldn't of wanted to b friends w me but i should've tried to make him want 2 b friends w me anyway lol i'm sorry richie u deserve better
Blake
HOLY MOTHER OF GARBAGE WE PULLED THAT OFF! LYNN AND TARA SAVED MY ASS TONGIHT! GIVING ERIC FAKE PROMISES FOR THE FUTURE! OMG IM SOO HAPPY WOW I HONESTLY THOUGHT MY BUTT WAS GOIN HOME OMG! WOWOWO ERIC WANTED ME OUT. goodluck phoenix and tim AND ERIC >:0 FINAL THREE ME LYNN AND TARA
Blake
o and i was scared earlier bc eric was talkin to lynn about gettin me voted out but lynn finessed the shit out of him! and then i was scared shitless bc raffy omg he does not enjoy me at all lmao! inhope me and him can make up after this game!
Blake
Lynn: My love. My sunshine. My better half. I will see you soon <3 You better win this effing game! Show everyone you are a threat. I love you and we were together from the beginning now finish this without me!
Tara: OOOO Tara they have done me dirty! Fight in my memory! CONQUER THIS LAND <3 Fight like I know you can! I am going to miss you too though! This game better end soon lol
Eric: OOOOOOO ERIC if im going home you must’ve flipped…. RIP. GREAT MOVE THOUGH I respect your gameplay from turning yourself into a threat instead of continuing to be a goat!
Richie: I still think you’re a threat! I wish you the best of luck (you are going to need it bc look at all the amazing players left)! Pull some big moves make me love you! Give me more than humor I wanna see you kill and stab ahha!
Phoenix: Where are you? Big move maybe? You planning to ride Richie to the end?
Tim: Well played you got two big threats out simultaneously from flipping! Taking something from my book I see? LOL (I’m not being sarcastic btw)
Everyone: OK ANYONE OF YOU CAN WIN THIS GAME! PULL SOME BIG MOVES, BLINDSIDE SOME PEOPLE, AND DON’T LET THIS GAME’S SNAKINESS DIE OUT! EVERYONE PLAY TILL THE VERY END TO WIN! THINK ABOUT WHO YOU THINK YOU CAN WIN AGASINT. MAKE SOME HUGE MOVES! IM SO EXCITED TO SEE WHAT YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO DO!
(what i wud of said if i went home tonight at the F7 tribal)
Eric K
That was a stressful lead up to tribal. Richie was really trying to convince me to flip but it just didn't feel right. Why would il allign myself with people I've barely talked to and just trust that I'm not on the bottom? Of course I realize that Blake is a huge threat and needs to go before f3 or he will be the winner. I had a good chat with Tara and Lynn separately and we all agree that he needs to go. Hopefully it'll happen in two tribals from now since he has an advantage/immunity that can only be used at next tribal.
Tim
So Raffy and JG voted for me? They really think I was playing some middle when in reality I was just being social and going into survival mode. Like Raffy I didn't even vote for you to go home so fuck off and JG you went home because of the blind round and you dont even have any proof that I voted for you so bye!
Blake
Hi yes Goodmorning. I woke up from my peacefull slumber and was INTERROGATED! TIM i guess was like ima ask who Blake wants int the F3 and i was shook bc none o my allies were awake or off doing something to help me formulate a response... AND WELLL PEOPLES BLAKE IS NOT THE BEST AT JUST NOT RESPONDING OR GIVING A GOOD RESPONSE! TIM asked if i was takin tara and lynn to F3 or Tara and Eric (really cnfused bc i thought i was obvi i was takin lynn not matter what?) SO ME BEING THE GENIUS THAT I AM AND NOT REFUSING T RESPOND SAID " Well i want to win so I wanan go with ppl who I think I can win against" in all honesty im scared if i said someting with names eric might freak or some shiz! bc i am taking tara and lynn. i know i could of lied and said im takin lynn and eric but that just sounds rude. you know taking? lol. oooo WELL NOW TIMMY IS PLEADING HIS CASE WITH ME. I REALY LIKE TIM TBH. PHOENIX IS THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHOO DOES NOT TALK TO ME OR TRY TO AT ALL ITS REALLY RUDE. BUT OMG THIS IS THE LORDS DAY AND IM FEELING ATTACKED
Blake
The lords day is Timmy's day today
Blake
I just had i thought. I think the winner of this game will either be more or whoever takes me out. (TIM) STAY AWAY. maybe it wont even be me and i think to highly of myself XD
Tim
The longevity of my game relies on these immunity results. If I win, I fight on to another round. If I lose then... well looks like I can't afford to lose.
Blake
OBVIOUSLY MY ASS HOLE IS GOING NEXT ! SOOOOOOOO WOW I HATE EVERYTHING AND NOT KNOWING WHAT THIS ADV WAS
Lynn
OHMYGODSHAHSBSB i feel like this vote is gonna go to rocks and that is gonna be rocks between 3 people and odds are not in my favor ajsjdn i have awful luck ohhhhh my god okay well honestly going out by rocks isn’t the worst way to go
Blake
OMFG ok im like 99% sure that i am safe! bc i think tara and lynn will vote for tim! all we hav to do is get phoenix to flip! omg this is stressfull i hate i hate! WHY AM I BEING TARGTED ALL THE TIM OMG AHHHH! ERIC IM COMING AFTER UR ASSHOLE U BETTER WATCH OUT BUD U BETTER KEEP WIINNING OR U R GOING HOME!
Tara
omg so just got back from hanging out w phoenix n had a bunch of fun! we watched love simon and i had to try not to cry like 5 times, happy tears tho. also ijust remembered like a couple rounds ago i said that i would get phoenix to buy me ice cream and he offered but i said no!! and now i realised it ruined my whole thing n yikes! i guess the offer counts? and he also bought me m'n'ms which i am eating now n they r delicious. also phoenix i just want u to know u that i don't think of u just as an object to buy me things HAHHAHA fbdksf i REALLY ENJOYED HANGING OUT WITH YOU!!! and i hope we do it again sometime soon!!!!! sorry for forgetting u're lactose intolerant like twice. but ya phoenix was super fun. hopefully this is the start of a new alliance!! i think this round i'm going to vote tim bcos i feel like it'll make f5 a lot more cruisier and less stressful for me than having to rely on lynn not flipping on me or anyone else not flipping on me. hopefully eric can win immunity again so we can vote out blake. it was rly weird talking about game with someone face to face? and like planning about it and stuff. idk thank u phoenix for the fun day out!! also I MADE F5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't believe i did that!!!!!!!!!!!!! woooh!!!
Eric K
I am so happy that I won two immunity challenges at once!! I chose the advantage hoping that this would be a good chance to take out Blake. Since I talked to Tara and Lynn about eventually cutting Blake out, I think this would be a good opportunity. I just hope he does not have some sort of advantage to screw this up...
Tim
So I lost the challenge and I'm not dissapointed in myself, Im just unhappy that I couldn't win the challenge when I most needed to. And now I'm in jeopardy.
Tim
So Eric pretty much nominated me and Blake up for elimination which sucks harddd. I guess I have new hope in the game. It sucks that he didn't just do Blake and Phoenix but I guess he considers us his biggest competition to win.
Tim
So Ive been heavily campaigning to Tara and Eric but who knows how this will turn out. Hopefully Eric just lets me go to rocks.
Eric K
I am very frustrated that Tara is not willing to go for Blake. The things she's saying are making me think that she would rather keep Blake long term and is potentially just using me... Even with me voting Blake, the numbers wouldn't be there and I would be outing myself early on. I guess I just have to keep on winning immunity challenges and hope I am not being played.
Tara
omggg so the most awkward thign happened i tried to call tim bcos i felt rly bad that we hadn't talked all season and i genuinely rly like him n i just wanted to chat but he turned it into a plea session, idk why i didn't expect that, n then i just like waited it out until he stopped fkdfs and then he started talking 2 me about his day so yay but then he was like ok i'll go grab some food and i was like ok seeya tim sorry about everyhting n he was like so you are voting me? and i was like yaa i'm sorry and then it just got rly awkward and silent and he was just looking at his computer screen like looking like he was about to cry and it wasl ike FIFTEEN WHOLE SECONDS of like silence and oh my god. i am an awful person. i love u tim. i'm glad i voted him out bcos i don't rly trust eric all that much but it forces him to work w me now so he can vote out blake n lynn n then i can hopefully take phoenix to f2 or convince eric to take me to f2. yayayyyay can u believe i'm here and i have a PLAN go me
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