#i am on pain meds rn btw | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

justfor2am · 1 year

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hi sry no dog pics today im spending the night w a friend .however i did walk for 45 minutes to a walmart (n back ofc) while also learning how to ride an electric scooter (i do not know how to ride a normal scooter. or a bike. or a skateboard. or roller skates.) it was very fun n the sunset was pretty :3 then i played beat saber n absolutely rocked at one of my favorite songs ever (nee nee nee by pinocchiop u will ALWAYS be famous in my heart 🫶) n then sucked at everything else why r custom charts almost always in expert or expert+ (my shit got completely rocked on a chart of hibana just for both my friend n their roommate to play it after me n easily clear it ..embarrassing) ANYWAYS!! hope ur day was good at least :33 food update uhhh we had pizza!! we each got our own n mine had alfredo sauce n a parmesan/asiago blend on top (i love cheese) ok bye :p just wanted 2 check in n send an ask today!!

wil im gonna level with you i am doing complete fucking ASS rn lol

i got a double middle ear infection, plus my left ear is impacted. which means i can't hear for shit, got hella pain, and have been guzzling ibuprofen like it's my last meal on this bitch of an earth. as i type this i've had several random stabbing pains in both ears, and i am moments away from clawing at the walls of my bedroom in despair

i got meds yesterday tho, which hopefully will help this shit go away. btw the american healthcare system is a sham and i hate it.

anyways: i have HORRIBLE balance so i can't ride a bike either lmao, i've always wanted to learn how to roller blade but for sure would bust my ass immediately

people that do custom beat saber charts are try hards i stg, maybe i just wanna lowkey enjoy a song without a whole ass work out (beat saber makes me dizzy as shit anyways so i can't play it lol)

waough alfredo sauce pizza........ i want pizza >:((( i can't really chew either so it's all been soft things uhhhhhh i had bacon grits earlier tho those were pretty good

kk i'm gonna try not to die bye friend

#justfor2am #justfor2talks #someone take me out back and put me down like a lame horse #do it. please. anything to stop the fucking ear pain.

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mugenloopdalove · 7 months

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I'm sorry for all the shit last night/this morning btw.

I'm under a lot of stress rn and am not eating or sleeping right+I'm missing one of my meds, so I'm cranky as HELL and seeing that post again and again finally drove me over the edge and gave me a massive meltdown.

I was also. Admittedly trying to seek out validation in the worst possible way. I should have directly asked for reassurance if I truly needed it.

I do want to find things other than Tumblr to do I just... Don't really have much of anything,at least not until I get a job and get this chronic pain shit squared away.

#gerard's diary

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adolin-is-best-boy · 2 years

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hey! long time no see haha, life has been busy for me, but i hope you’re doing well rn

anyway, i’m actually interested to hear more about your ocs! if you’re ready, that is. if not then i understand though, also looking forward more to your oc story and the progress for your fantasy aa au too lol

have a nice day btw ^^

hey anon!! it’s wonderful to hear from you again :D ! yeah it was busy for me for awhile but then it wasn’t but now it is again lol. im currently in LA for disneyland and vidcon! just had our first day at disney and i am in extreme pain but it was fun.

i am absolutely ready to share things about my ocs, but im gonna need a separate post for that since i’ve come up with a lot more and also i have asked my friends to create me some ocs too! love them all dearly and i’ll start drafting a post for them soon :)

honestly i haven’t worked on aa stuff in awhile bc my adhd brain is focusing on a bunch of shows i can binge, such as umbrella academy, stranger things, henry danger and technically mighty med though i just watched that 2 hour analysis on it and not the actual thing. im probably gonna rewatch the thundermans when im done with the danger boy. and then TUA season 3 is coming out and i’m gonna obses over that until st vol 2 comes out and byler happens (it’s happening 100%) and i’ll be going BONKERS over that for a good while lmao

back to aa, i’ve actually had about 5k words of the maya + ryunosuke group done for like awhile, and i could post part of it if you’re interested, and maybe it’ll help motivate me to actually write it lol. sadly none of the really cool stuff would happen in the first chapter if i cut it short, but i guess that’s okay lmao

you have a nice day as well!!! thank you sm for the ask :)

#speaking sylphy #byler is real #scattered fantasy aa au

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youn9racha · 2 years

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hello my sweets! just dropping by again to ask how you're doing -w- i'm on using laptop rn because i'm still doing some uni homework so i won't be able to use my favorite emojis (which i use as my tone indicator sometimes *sobbing*)

anyway, yes how are you doing because hhhh i don't think i'm doing well lmao TTwTT probably especially since i'm nearing my period so my emotions are whack. but most of all in terms of my health?? ig i'm feeling a lot of hmmm sickness? like i feel nauseous and dizzy rn *sobbing again*

now i get why my mom never let's me hang out or meet my friends outside TTwTT (or never lets me outside the house hhhhh) it's probably because i really am weak, especially nearing my period or during, because i tend to faint either from the pain or lack of iron ;;; not to mention my ent mention last time i'm somewhat in the early stages of vertigo sooo... buT LIKE I CAN TOTALLY HANDLE MYSELF ;A; even if i do have a lot of some health issues

okay enough ramblings from me ;; i hope you're doing well! especially doing better than me ;w; make sure you take lots of rest okay? stay hydrated and healthy! (btw, i'm still working on that surprise not really surprise anymore fic for you that i promised, but you'll eventually get a notif from me once i put it up! hehehe <3)

K !!!!!

omgg k, watch for yourself and please take care of yourself. pleasee eat/drink something water, take meds if necessary, drink water and most importantly rest and take some time to lay down at least !!!

if you have a heat pad use it to warm you up, if not a water bottle. please listen to your own advice or i’ll be mad fr 😾 your health is more important than anything.

also dw about me 🙏 im doing alright, and im excited for your piece. take your time with it ❤️

#ella’s mailbox （╹◡╹）#strwbrryblues

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greelin · 4 years

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dash stretch warning and medical talk ahead!!!

hey so! milo here! broke chronically AND mentally ill trans dude y’all know and possibly tolerate here! i really. really hate to do this and heavily went back and forth on it but the past month has been hell for me medically. our insurance went bust like a month before all this bc we couldn’t afford it due to covid. i had to do a trip to urgent care a few weeks ago, they assessed that i had a UTI, put me on meds, and i.. got infinitely worse. vomiting multiple times a day and a fever of over 101. to the point that my mother had to take me to the ER. they admitted me for several days bc the infection had spread to my kidneys and i was septic.

it was hell!! i have a lot of trauma wrt medical stuff (i was in the hospital for a month when i was six bc i’d contracted encephalitis/meningitis and it was. not a good time) and i was by myself (understandably with everything going on with the virus), and i was already super dazed and out of it and afraid but that didn’t help. at all.

they did manage to mostly clear everything up! i was on a lot of fluids and rosephin. they sent me home with about a week’s worth of antibiotics. i was supposed to follow up with a doctor in a week, as is standard procedure.

my stomach HATED me for that week. still does! i was having multiple issues that made it difficult to do anything besides, for lack of better, cleaner terms, either be in bed or in the bathroom. i got severely dehydrated. i started having pains again. not the same area, but still. massive amount of pain. my fever came back.

SO we went back to urgent care.... where literally all they did was take my vitals then call an ambulance bc my heart rate was over 160 and my blood pressure was super low and i genuinely was about to pass out. ($100 for that 15 min of waiting in the waiting room + 10 min of being in a room laying down bc i felt like i was gonna die, btw, but lol).

ambulance rides in the us are notoriously expensive, esp for poor fucks like me who don’t have insurance. but at the time i didn’t have a choice bc there was a chance of me going septic again and i wasn’t about to uh. die.

it was a deeply distressing experience but thankfully they did blood work, a urinalyses, another CT scan, put me on fluids, and i was discharged from the ER within several hours.

i know it’s a bad time for everyone rn and i feel immensely awful even putting this out there, i just.. do not know what to do rn lol. i am uninsured. i an unemployed and could not finish out my final two weeks at my previous job bc i was hospitalized (the reason i quit being i just moved and the commute wouldn’t be worth it ultimately), and the small amount of money i do have saved up has to go to like.. rent. car. mental health medication (that’s now $60 for half the amount i used to get for $5 🥴). i don’t know when i’ll be able to find a job rn due to my health being Everywhere at the moment + covid being a thing.

we received the first bill for my first hospital stint ($746 only but my mother jokes that that’s probably. for like. the motrin they gave me in the waiting room when i got there lmao) but we know there are gonna be tons more. they did multiple CT scans while i was there. tons of blood work. a lot of pain medication.

at this point i’m just.. super stressed. i know there’s tons of shit going on and i have absolutely nothing to offer in return, but if anyone happens to have like. a spare $2 or something to send my way, it would help immensely. all of this shit hit at the worse possible time, as life often seems to work, and i just... idk!

please, PLEASE, no one feel obligated to share this or help in any way; i just.. am super desperate and scared rn about how i’m going to get through everything with this much debt and no job. i’m sorry for the word vomit and wasting anyone’s time, it’s just.. a really hard time for me rn. i tried to apply for insurance but i haven’t heard anything back and i don’t know if i’ll be accepted

thank you for reading!!!! sorry again.

#idk what else to do here and again please #PLEASE do not feel obligated to do anything wrt this #i just. am super desperate at this point and this is a really low place for me #and i dont even want to buy groceries to feed myself at this point bc. Money #jst. thank you to anyone who even reads this #im really genuinely sorry

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confinedinthisflesh · 3 years

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11x04 rewatch reactions by remmie

👀 spoilers ahead 👀

warning i am in pain, more irritable, and not completely mentally here so take these reactions and any posts after this with a grain of salt

- freddie is so cute!!

- love that the preview is the first scene

- btw what lady?? who moved in to the house after tony??

- "i spy, you shoot" 😦 wow

- god i know i'm more irritated rn but i really just don't care about carl again

- ohmygod franny no! djsjfkd is that a normal experience for young children? cutting their hair by themselves? i mean i gave myself bangs by essentially shaving the front of my part. it seems normal.

- oh god gallagher relations

- oh my god stop with carl please

- oh wow ian felt that

- fjsjdjd LOVE THAT IAN IS WATCHING BATMAN DJSJDJDDJDJ

- WJAJDJAJFIS WHY IS IT SO ZOOMED IN- HE LOOKS LIKE THAT FISHEYE FILTER MEME SJSJDDJSK I CAN'T LAUGH

- frank you used to sleep in your vomit and piss- while i hate terry with a burning pit of firey hell- you are also unhygienic and shitty as fuck

- okay wow they really are trying to make terry and frank do the homer ned fighting

- AWW UNCLE MICKEY MOMENT

- ooooooo sandy made a point!!!

- mickey your family is awful see through it please (therapy would help 😉)

- what is this shit? no? TAM TAM????

- the antiacid tablets in the back

- mickey you're going to give your husband a stroke ohmygod

- wow once again amy vs gemma stuff again 😔😔😔 when will gemma have rights

- oh wow they really put the flag in there, shameless people who work on the show why did you choose to do th at especially with trying to make this "battle" just a neighborly haha battle thing (i don't make sense when in pain)

- okay the pain meds have kicked in, debbie did you just kick out your girlfriend?? i mean she was never invited to move in but??? you never kicked her out before???

- HEY IAN AND MICKEY PUT ON YOUR MASKS????!!!!?????

- okay at least mickey can see it- oh wow ian looked too proud of himself

- AJAJSJSIDDJ SJSJDJEJSSJD DNDSKKDDKDJDJSDJSJSJDJSFJSJ THE SJSJDJSJDKSF SMIRK AND THE "MICK!"

- oh wow carl's past is haunting him 😐

- EWWWWW NO GROSS STOP IT BAD VIBES BAD VIBES

- wow okay please go back to the lip and tami scene, this is fucked

- bro if the gallaghers all move out into a new house i might cry harder at the end of the season

- kev made a good point i hate that i laughed

- debbie you did not put your ginger kid in a blonde wig 😐

- wait you went to his house?? excuse me??

- a h okay teacher who groomed tami, fun, so much fun haha 😐😐

- hey british shit is good leave it be

- oh my wow milkoviches are just that name

- oh wow debbie's "don't do this to me", hey debbie your kid doesn't owe you shit

- SHSJJDJS ohmygod, badass walk though

- ohmygod kev

- ABAJAJDJAJFJAKD IAN HOLDING BACK MICKEY- i lauGHED and almost dislodged my gauze

- ... tami... tami... ohmygod tami... 😦 you were groomed and taken advantage of...

- can y'all keep a consistent mask policy please- ohmygod debbie that's not what she means by privilege

- the amount of new milkoviches they have now my god

- frank. 😐

- oh wow someone really wrote this script

- that's a lot of weed

- oh my god lip can you please like report him?? to someone??

- okay y'all both went too far with calling each other out please stop please just listen to what your kids actually want

- the fact ian let mickey answer that

- also w o w a grand?!?

- PLEASE REPORT HIM! PLEASE!

- okay good speech but i could tell they were just gonna announce the winner

- wow okay didn't need to picture that

- OH HELL NO

- wow okay tami i love you you just did your own therapy

- THANK YOU LIP- now go report him!

- see why can't carl be robin hood esque

- ew ew ew ew

good episode i think, can't wait to see how and where exactly the security thing goes

#shameless #shameless s11 #shameless spoilers #spoilers

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sp-ud · 3 years

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dont ecpect me to be super smart or nice rn btw. i am in pain and my fuckign pain meds are currently not avaliable to me.

#spud rambles #my mom is the one who prepares my meds and she hasnt yet #so i just kinda have to cope for now

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lifecftheparty · 4 years

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━ ☾ ✧･ﾟ “ he was full of light, in whom is no darkness at all”

ʻ / let me introduce you to a prized member of our environmental club , FAZIL IMANI . this CISMALE CANCER has been a student at our institution for 4 MONTHS and is currently a 21 year old JUNIOR. through the halls , he/him has/have always reminded me of aria shahghasemi , but there is always more than meets the eye , like the fact that he sells his dad’s pharmaceuticals to fund his own drug addiction . coral cape has made their future just as bright as their smile , i assure you . ʼ ( muse 15 , aubrie , 19, pst, she/her )

↪ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ 𝕗𝕒𝕫𝕚𝕝 𝕟𝕒𝕫𝕖𝕖𝕞 𝕚𝕞𝕒𝕟𝕚

BASICS:

nicknames: fazi

pronouns: he/him

age & dob: july 14, 1998 ( 21 )

origin: carnegie hill, new york

nationality: american

ethnicity: iranian

fluent in: english, persian & a bit of arabic

occupation: drug dealer freelance artist

height: 5′11

sexual orientation: ???

major: biology & art

clubs: environmental club

↪ *:✧ background

trigger warning ! drugs, drug abuse, car accident, death

IMANI PHARMACEUTICALS ━ a name you MIGHT recognize from the side of your zoloft bottle. from benzodiazepines to amphetamines, they specialized in at all -- A GREAT EMPIRE, built off of other’s sorrows and fazil was happily perched next to the throne. a family portrait, four heads adorning a thin-lipped line -- not a smile in sight. and just by glance, you could tell the family meant business. a serious group, all doctors, all their own achievements; a glistening image of PERFECTION, if not for the taint they liked to call FAZIL.

he didn’t mean to be a fuck-up, but alas, his body was completed with error and corrupted by bad decisions. THE FIRST BEING ━ his art. an adorable skill, at first. though, like a flower, it started to blossom into more than a childish hobby, and that was when they tried to uproot it from the ground. oh, how his family DESPISED his art ; oh, how fazil despised his FAMILY -- it was a mutual passage of hate. really, painting was the only thing he had ever felt ambition for, otherwise a foreign feeling to the sullied son. he could care less about doctorate programs, but it was the path he was set on since birth -- a forced burden he could NEVER get rid of.

he lived to reject everything his family represented; the happy-go-lucky, irresponsible, reckless boy mirrored the solemn and dignified imani clan. taking to extremes to separate himself from those around him, he dived head first into the deep end. he began to get involved with drugs -- and lots of them. cocaine, xanax, morphine, you name it ━ all were party favors in the new york night life, those in which he was more than eager to dabble in. the feelings of euphoria that would shine down on him where storm clouds once reigned, the wide smile that would stretch across his face, and the body, that almost felt weightless. the highs they produced were those of which he could not experience on his own, and like a foolish wanderer, he followed them down a rabbit hole -- their effects so tantalizing even fazil could not resist. OF COURSE ━ he could stop if he wanted, but what happens when the bleary-eyed teen refuses himself paradise? shivers, aches, pain so sickening it would spew from his mouth. no matter how much he didn’t want to admit it, he couldn’t stay away. it held him in a choke-hold, ever-so slowly draining his life.

the result of making an already irresponsible boy forget the bounds of consequence? a totaled ferrari and a DEATH-- no, no, no, fazil wasn’t prepared for that. an unforeseen causality in the war with his family. god -- his family, how ENRAGED they were, his father noting that he had wished it was fazil that was the one lying lifeless on the ground. a plan had to be put into place, NOTHING could ruin this family’s image; not fazil, and definitely not a murder. a cover up was devised, could you be surprised? the imani’s were saturated with money, and with money, bought ignorance. and to save face, he was booted out to live with his brother in maine, and made to attend CAPE CORAL. nasty habits die hard though, and fazil’s fought back, refusing to lie dormant. no way could he be sober now, but how do you maintain your ever-growing addiction? WELL ━ it’s crazy what a last name and a forged signature can get you.

↪ *:✧ personality

on the outside fazil presents himself to be this happy-go-lucky, fun-loving guy. which, to an extent, he is. however especially since the accident he festers a LOT of shame, embarrassment, and remorse. he is so full of regret and it really does haunt him on how things went down.

as said, he has a lot of shame. not only for the accident, but also his addiction and how bad it is. he would absolutely hate anyone finding out about either of those, and would probably get really aggro with whoever did. especially if said person tried to take his drugs away or something of that nature?? would not be a happy camper.

speaking of, he cannot go without his drugs, and will literally do anything to obtain a high.

while he tries to reject his family, it does hurt him that he cannot appease them, insecure about the fact he really doesn’t live up to the family name.

on a happier note -- loves, loves, LOVES painting. really is one of the only positive things in his life, will gush on about it for days. if he shows you his art, he’d lowkey be so anxious for approval ( though he wouldn’t admit it ).

plant dad™ loves plants and the earth. if he sees you liter he WILL pummel you.

total flirt, has commitment issues and doesn’t realize it. kind of a fuck-boy but isn’t so brazen about...which is kind of worse?

in general, he’s a pretty laid back guy, doesn’t care too much about status. but really what you see is what you get, he will not let anyone past the front he puts on!

↪ *:✧ wanted connections

i want to say, first off, i am REALLY up for anything. pls feel free to throw any ideas my way i am sure we can work something out <3

best friend !! : someone that he just connects with more than everyone!! while he wouldn’t disclose much about his past, he’d probably let them in on more than he does with everyone else. and i mean lets be honest...there will be a point they find something out. imagine the angst....

someone he fools around with : i mean...im sorry he really is a fuckboy. he doesn’t mean to be though!! i think it’d be interesting to have someone he has a strong flirtationship with or something a little more ifyaknowwhatimsayin. i think it’d be cool for it eventually reach an unrequited love type of thing..whether that’s on his part or your muse. unless you just wanna keep it like they both kinda know what it is..and they’re both okay with leaving it like that. really up for whatever!

frenemies : yOU ALREADY KNOW!! the banter!!! the bickering!!! the annoying the hell out of each other!!! I WANT IT ALL

deep romantic connection : aka someone that really makes him tap into his feelings/emotions. really tests him as a person, and forces him to just really care?? this would be a slow burn thing but again....imagine the angst....

someone who knows/finds out about his secrets : this can tie into plots and doesn’t have to be just it’s own standalone ( if that makes sense ). but i think i’d really like someone just eventually figuring it out and kinda being like fazi ??? what are you doing ?? now this can come at an angle of concern OR maybe your character finds out somehow and hangs it over his head. I would also like to note that fazi came into the school randomly, showed up in the middle of the school year like nothing, and when asked about it he has a bullshit excuse. so mayhaps someone tries to really look into it and pesters him about it. and it makes him turn into the panic emoji

customer : someone he sells drugs to, which btw! would only be over the counter meds his father makes !! the harder drugs he buys himself for his own collection

anyhoot, that’s all i could think of rn but i’m sure i’ll add more in the future! and like i said, i am open to ANYTHING. please please hmu <3

#this was way too long i am sorry ;-;#about.#capecoral:intro #drug tw #drug abuse tw #death tw

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teachers-are-nerds · 6 years

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why does my brain keep saying very loudly and rapidly “i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die” even though i absolutely do not want to die right now i dont even have the motivation to scream but i wonder if a solid scream would be cathartic

theres just so many things i need to complain about my heart is pounding so hard im in pain and im shaking and everything feels bad and i cant change my meds bc i cant contact my psychiatrist from france or like... more importantly figure out the logistics

i dont wanna go back to the states though bc gburg is probably gonna be hella toxic for me again even though my schedule for next year is super good and im super looking forward to it

why did i send home all of my sheet music and why didnt i send home my jackets holy wow that’s gonna be a lot of weight i cant pay for with the luggage on my way home

what if im not mentally ill enough for meds i know i have to change them bc at this moment i am NOT feeling helped by them but what if another med will make me even worse and what if i am actually just shitty at managing symptoms and how come everyone else seems to be able to manage or hide or work through their shit and i have to go and make a big fucking deal out of it all and i literally even wrote my prof like “hi btw ive been suicidal thats why i havent been in class” and that’s just using mental health as a fucking excuse it’s not like an hour and a half of sitting through a class from which i glean approximately nothing would actually kill me, as it were lol

i have to get the key to christine but that means 20 min walk home and 20 min walk back and maybe the sunlight will be good for me but i also need to write the other two pages of my paper that im obviously not doing now since im complaining and making a bajillion zillion posts all over social media lol it is a cry for help how come i cant make myself do the things i need to do im literally in physical pain because i cant make myself do the paper that was due an entire week ago !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how the actual fuck did i even graduate high school how did i fucking survive

well i mean i didnt drink in high school but i also got apx 3h of sleep a night so idk

im not drinking today though like i refuse to do that today bc money and also i need to just uhh not drink for a while because that’s what healthy people do. not day drink on weekdays.

i thought i was better abt that this year than last year but i guess not as much as i thought but at least im not sleeping in my friend’s bed every other night?? which is an improvement

god i fucking hate that i cut myself out of the queermmunity like that even though it’s better for me i just wish i did it in a more mature way im so fucking angry at myself im not even homesick at all i miss like 4 or 5 people from the states in total and i feel fucking awful that theres a bunch of people who will message me like “omg miss u” and i know i miss them too but like i feel like im lying when i respond “miss u 2″ and that isnt fair at all and i hate it i hate feeling like im lying to my friends i hate that i dont miss them i hate that this semester is supposedly the best semester of my life and i still have to convince myself not to step in front of a bus sometimes and i hate that The Brain Demons are clawing my stomach out from the inside but at least i havent purged in a while so there’s that and usually i can talk myself out of other self harm shit

and putting the content of my complaining post in the tags is to warn people if they read it but also it’s gonna make some people like OH NO UR IN DANGER LET ME READ THIS and i dont ?? i dont want that???????? but i also do???? good fucking lord i hate being such an attention whore

i hate that im a whore in general

like i dont regret any sexploits ive had whatever but i hate that i feel jealous of some people because i dont want to monopolize their lives and i dont want to prevent them from sharing love w other people i jsut want people to cuddle and kiss and be romantic with and it hurts but i also cant ocmplain abt it with my friends bc they also are like dammit i want a partner and me i have a few consistent sex partners but i want romantic partners but i need to change the people with whom i spend my time because they are not great for my mental health and i hate that bc i love them dearly but im destroying myself just in a different way from last year

the people i loved last year are driving me up a goddamn wall and i hate that i hate that i hate that so much bc i still care about them but im such an idiot i cant stand up for what feels right or against what feels wrong to me bc ill jsut get yelled at and i know that means i shouldnt be close to them im so hurting today

everything feels like too much and im shaking and still avoiding responsibilities and idk if writing this post is gonna get it out of my head enough bc on one hand i might tire myself out and not feel the need to write about it more to people and not have to bother them or like idk continue distracting conversations or maybe having people worry and try to talk to me will give me something to ignore so i can make myself write my paper idfk!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand uhh what if this is just going to make me fixate even more on my problems im screaming in sid e

oh ps im realizing that my family dynamic, while much much miuchn much much better than so fuckin many other people (feels conceited to say but im grateful for it and feel i cant or shouldnt talk abt it in case it triggers something in those with shitty home situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) im recognizing that smth about the dynamic feels unstable as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if i finish my paper, turn it in, sit for 20 minutes of class, go breathe, come back for the end

idfk othe rstudents need to talk to the prof too i cant monopolize him with the same content from my email to him and the same “i need help but idk what help i need” statement from last week or whatever

idk

idk idk idk will summer help me at all? will i live at home? will that be better or worse for me? can i remove all the materialism from my life? obv no but i feel i need to get rid of everything i own to cleanse myself of whatever and also i feel like cutting my own stomach and other organs out of myself but i obv cant and promise i wont try that lol

what work will i have or internships i dont have money i feel trapped will i hate myself forever will i be stuck in loops forever i will absolutely live long enough to find out and i will overcome things but like jesus chriiiiiiiiiiiiist im Not Good rn im sorry

yells

#blah blah blah #negative #suicide tw #i dont want to die but i want my brain to shut up #self harm tw #ed tw

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riibisel · 6 years

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btw thats my life rn soo what happened is that i woke up at 3 am today with intense pain and thought i was dying. so my mom gave me ibuprofen but it didnt help and i started shaking so bad i made her call an emergency doctor. he came and gave me more pain meds but he couldnt say for sure what was wrong so he called me a transfer to a hospital. at this point i didnt feel much pain anymore (it was like a 9 before and my pain tolerance is pretty high) anyways then i had to wait for an hour until the doctor did the ultrasound and then she decided that she needed urine directly from my bladder and jammed a catheter up there (i had blood in my urine before but i should get my period soon sooo) ANYWAYS my left kidney was swollen (that was the side that hurt) and there was a lot of blood in my urine sooo she still wasnt sure what i had but i probably suffered a renal colic but she said it was only "sand" not a stone bc it wasnt blockef up there but all the symptomps fit sudden intense pain at the kidney, moving to the back and gentital area shaking swollen kidney (normally you have a fever but i had 36.6°C ... thats technically normal but my normal temperature is 35.5 bc i was born early ...) anyways i was only perscribed more pain meds but i didnt need them hah sorry for grossing yall out

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conspiracy-crows · 7 years

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Men-Stration!!

Fml Period started mid shift like I predicted, it's weirdly light but super painful(after a full dose of ibuprofen) and causing sciatic nerve issues, like normal. Add to that that it's Bridge Petal today and Trimet is kinda fucked to hell rn, and I am one grumpy boy. At least soon I can get some help cleaning my room and soon I'll be evaluated for ADD/ADHD, which means I might get medicated!(yay more meds, br also, yay something to help my fucked brain more). Yes men do get periods btw, and they suck balls

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bpd-black · 7 years

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hey guys, so this is gonna be a long ass post, but here’s the tldr version: i love you and i hope you continue to learn about yourselves, and advocate for your mental wellbeing cause y'all are literally so beautiful and important and an integral part of our universe, the world literally wouldn’t be the same without you ✊🏾💕

SO, i just wanted to let y'all know that if you’ve ever messaged me (and this is for my black followers, btw, the rest of y'all … i don’t know why tf you’re here, but none of this is for you so ✌🏾bye, you can leave lol) please please know that i almost always read whatever’s in my inbox right away, and that i do care about your questions and what you have to say, even when i don’t answer right away or at all. you guys reaching out to me is NEVER bothersome. NEVER dumb. NEVER ridiculous. and tbh, it’s always flattering to think anyone would come to me w/ mental health concerns, considering that this blog literally started as a place for me to just vent out into the void & that i used to block anyone that followed me, lol.

(i jus didn’t want people to follow my blog ??? idk, i just felt like i had no other outlet to scream, and i was in a really bad place back then, idek, it made sense at the time. anyway, NOW this blog is a place for me to store information, affirmations and links to resources that i find informative or helpful. and i actually really love getting feedback (cough and validation cough) from you guys 💖 so pls, just know that you mean a lot to me.)

THE THING IS, though: i’m still not a professional. and when it comes to something as serious as mental health (especially in the black community) i just feel like i still have too much learning to do and too much healing to do before i’m qualified to offer any real advice. rn, all i have to say to most of y'all is ‘damn, thas unfortunate, me too’ and i really don’t want to give anyone a half assed answer like that, lol. it might take me a while to research what you wanna know, so yeah. bls be patient with me.

also i kinda wanted to introduce myself, since i don’t think i’ve ever posted an intro on this blog lol:

in summary, i’m a twenty one year old black girl, gay as hell, still living at home, still unemployed, still on leave from college, and still struggling just to shower and get out of bed every day :)) which sucks and i hate my life rn and i battle with like, intense self hatred cause a lot of my family is very disappointed in me and, quite frankly, i’m very disappointed with myself.

moving on, lol, more about my mental state: i’ve only ever been professionally diagnosed with depression and gad, though i personally believe i experience too many bpd symptoms to rule out the possibility that i am, in fact, borderline, and so i consider myself as such.

(( a small rant about that real quick: imo, and tbh, labels are just terms that researchers make up to help organize studies, keep track of patterns, and come up with plans and solutions to help large groups of people. so, basically, i am a strong advocate of NOT beating yourself up too much when it comes to finding the ‘right’ label for you and NOT attacking someone else that you don’t think ‘fits’ the description for a disorder or illness according to your research. like, yeah, fake ass neurotypicals are annoying as hell and they can all choke but ! the only person who really knows what’s going on in someone’s brain is that person themselves. and NO ONE owes you a dissertation on their mental struggles just to ‘prove’ they’re in pain. so, imo !!! it’s just a lot more important to recognize and identify what SYMPTOMS you struggle with, and the severity of said symptoms, and worry about umbrella terms later !! cause that insight will make it easier to look for help and advice and !! mental illness and personality disorders are all on a spectrum. so yeah. go easy on yourselves 💕 anyway, i struggled a lot with that concept, and for far too long, SO just wanted to get that out of the way before i continue (hope that made any sense) but i digress!!! ))

i also struggle with both intrusive and suicidal thoughts, a few minor self destructive habits, and i’m currently taking medication for my depression and anxiety. and tbh, though i still have some pretty terrible days, i will say the meds have helped a LOT. and i’m so glad, cause i’m the first in my family to openly take medication for a mental illness (stigma stigma god fucking stigma) and i was so so scared the meds would just make it worse, but they didn’t, so yeah :)

also, and this is a bit personal (but i’m willing to be a bit vulnerable with you guys, if it’ll help anyone at all) but, i planned on killing myself last year. it didn’t happen (evidently lol) but i ended up staying at the hospital for a week and then participating in a two week partial program after that. i’m currently looking for a new partial program or support group that i can join, and i’m trying to get a job and get back to school.

also, i have been seeing a therapist since my senior year of high school (which !!is a bit of a wild tale tbh, but long story short, my parents literally refused to believe mental illness was a real thing for the longest time. and it wasn’t until i told them i literally wouldn’t graduate high school if i didn’t get some help that they believed me.) my first two therapists were awful racist white women (still fuckin hate them btw) but my third therapist was a really cool white woman who actually introduced me to my current therapist who is this really amazing black woman and so far, i feel like she’s been the best fit for me. but i’ve very recently had to put my therapy sessions on pause cause i’m poor as hell and couldn’t pay for them anymore, so yeah. and, tbh, that’s really been stressing me the fuck out as of late, but what i’m trying to do is make the most of whatever other resources are available to me (helplines, textlines, self care strategies, forums, blogs, google, etc.) and i still have a social worker so idk, i should be okay 👌🏾

anyway, that was a lot of oversharing but, now you all know where i am atm ;) and i only share this with you guys cause a lot of asks i receive are about feeling like shit for not knowing what pd you have, or about being too poor to afford good health care, or not knowing how to convince your conservative ass black parents that you’re dying and need help and like !!! all of those topics are so so important to me on a very personal level !!! and i wanna help y'all so bad. but tbqh, i’m still trying to figure this shit out myself 😕 so, what i’m hoping is, just by letting you know more about my experience and being as honest as i can about it, at least one of you readin this might feel a little less lonely dealing with your pain. idk.

anyway, second to last thing: fr tho, i hope y'all know that it is both a rare, and amazing trait to be as insightful as so many of you are. even just trying to figure out ‘god, what is wrong with me’ and taking the time to do the research, is self care. it’s defiance. it’s acknowledging that a better life is possible, and it’s straight up refusing to settle for the pain you’re in now, for a life less fulfilling than what you know you deserve. i feel like the generations before us didn’t do that enough (with good reason, tbh, even today it’s still hard to know who we can trust) but it’s high time black people start healing our minds and our hearts. so power to you ✊🏾

and yeah. that’s all i wanted to say this morning. i’ve been wanting to say all that for a while, but wasn’t sure where the hell to start. i just hope that was all coherent and made sense, lol. don’t ever hesitate to message me guys. i may be an emotional wreck that takes too long to reply, but i do love you. lol.

and please please please continue to research things on your own as well, like. keep up with the latest studies, the TED talks, the blavity articles, the mental health blogs etc. etc. learn as much as you can about how to take the best care of you, even if my executively dysfunctional ass can’t help right away lol.

also !! (last thing, i promise) a quick update about this blog: i edited it a bit, namely my tagging system, to make it a bit more useful. i won’t go through all my tags here (maybe i’ll add an about page and a tag page later) but, for example, there’s my new affirmations tag (full of helpful reminders that i like to think about everyday) my positivity tag (just, yk, positive shit that makes think positive thoughts) and my black tag (whatever content i feel like pertains to just my fellow black + mentally ill peeps, cause lbr a lot of our struggles only happen at the intersection of both identities) 💕

i also have a music tag for music recommendations!! cause i like to believe music is very healing all on its own ;)

AAAAND that’s it lol 😘 stay safe out there guys !! this world is wild but, tbh, we know better than anyone what it means to make the very most out of our lives no matter what. happy black history month 🖤

#bpdblack.txt #ask #about me #blackness is ethereal #recovery #medication #self dx #hospitalization #bpd

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garbageivereleasedintothevoid · 5 years

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01-17-19

Idk if I can do this. I'm so panicky. I feel like just going and killing myself right this instant. I feel so much all at once. My mind is absolutely racing. I forgot how awful this shit felt. I fucking crave death right now and I wish that was a goddamn exaggeration but it never has been and this is hell. My stream of consciousness is going WAAAAYYY faster than my fingers can type. In the span of fifteen fucking seconds I imagined a scenario where I went to the ER for suicidal ideation and they tried to make me go to cross pointe and I bolted and escaped. Why? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA AND I'M BREAKING

I feel like I'm a wind up toy that was wound up too tightly and just went for a while and then exploded. I just want to feel okay again. Fuck getting better. I just don't want this shit back.

Also Erin's mom is in the hospital and might have cancer because they found a tumor on her spine and she couldn't walk. SO THAT'S JUST FUCKING WONDERFUL. MY BEST FRIEND MIGHT LOSE THEIR FUCKING MOM WHILE I DRIVE OFF THE FUCKING DEEP END. HOW FUN! /S

Fr tho fuck this.

Don't think I told you this last time because I forgot but I had cut myself the night before our last appointment. I hate this. I fucking hate this so much. I just want to be normal or go away. I fucking hate myself so goddamn much. Why was I born a fuck up? Why am I such a drain on everyone? Why can't I just be like everyone else and not the freakish asshole piece of garbage that I am????

I never asked for any of this. I never asked to be born.

I hate myself. I hate me so much. Why can't I just be a normal person. Fuck everything.

I just called and cancelled that luzio appointment btw. I know I for sure won't be ready to deal with it next month so I'm not doing it. Maybe sometime in the future idk.

I'm a little calmer now. Idk. I feel like I'm just caged up rn. Maybe that's all of this or maybe that's because it's winter and I'm not going anywhere if I can help it idk. I just feel trapped. Trapped in a lot of different ways. Trapped in this apartment because I can't save up money to afford somewhere else. Trapped because if I didn't have Yoshi I legit would have gone to live in the woods already. And just rented motel rooms for the winter or stayed with friends. I 100% would have done that if not for him. I feel trapped in my own body and with my pain levels. And worst of all I feel trapped in my own mind. I'm having pretty much nonstop panic attacks for the past few days. It's fucking awful. I'm angry nonstop. I want to just be back to how things were again. Winter is always hard but comparative to how my summer was, this has been the worst winter since I moved out of my parents house.

This blog really is a chronicle of my descent into madness. My return, really. Fuck. Fuck this.

Maybe everyone would be better off if I just made them hate me and then I silently killed myself? Idk. That has always been my plan. Say some nasty baseless stuff and block them and tell them never to contact me again. Wait a few weeks and just do it. I'm pretty sure Sara would realize what was going on but she'd be unable to stop me. Sam would too but she has more freedom. She has a key to my house and no patient confidentiality to uphold.

I mostly just want to kill something/someone. Absolutely obliterate someone who makes me angry. Like physically beat the shit out of them. Not just call them horrible things and walk away. I want to personally remove Wally's face from his skull and pour bleach over it. I want to tie my father up and repeatedly push a scalding hot metal poker into his gut. And torment him psychologically with it. I want him to fucking suffer like he made me suffer. I want to fight Trevin one on one and pin him to the ground and bash his skull in.

I want to be an animal basically. I want to absolutely destroy my enemies. I feel like I'm a primal monster right now. I want to impale the severed heads of my enemies on a fence post as a warning to anyone who would try anything. A warning that lets them know I mean it. I want to kill and that's fucking terrifying.

I am not usually this blasé about taking the life of another. Normally I believe very much that I would feel remorse. Now... I'm not sure depending on who it was.

I'm frustrated because I'm pretty sure once you read this you'll probably want me to go inpatient but that's only gonna make things worse because they'll nonstop pressure me to start psych meds that won't do jackshit for me.

The "help" medical professionals always push on you is such a farce. I realize it's often like a liability thing but like fuck that. People with mental illness shouldn't be forced into a place where they're only gonna get treated either like a problem or like a baby who can't handle their own problems. Or both. I feel backed into a corner because you and Sara always want me to open up to y'all but like how do I do that without getting shoved into Brentwood or cross pointe??? Because the truth is a fucking liability and I feel like my freedom is being stripped from me every single time I do. At least with Sara, she knows me well enough to know when to back off. I get that you're trying but I can't open up if I tell you I want to die and that means you gotta get me sent back there.

People with mental illness aren't allowed free control of themselves. We aren't allowed to say no to being hospitalized. If I had cancer, I would be allowed to refuse treatment and die at home. But if I have suicidal ideation I'm forced into a place that makes it worse??? Fuck that and fuck anyone who supports that. This isn't just a me thing. I know people who won't go to therapy anymore because that happened to them and they're terrified of going back. They won't risk it. This shit kills more people than it could ever save. Also knowing you have to get naked in front of a nurse and a tech. How the fuck is that even legal??? The whole system is fucked up and therapists have to actively refuse to use parts of it in order to be able to actually help people without sending them into the pits of hell. They take all your shit and shove it in a locked box out of your reach so you can't use it. You're threatened with your insurance refusing to pay if you don't go to every single group and then what? Debt. Fuck that. So what do you do? Fake it. Fake your way out. Pretend your happy and they'll let you go. And for most people, that's easy as hell. We've been doing it our whole lives. I can't tell you how many times I faked my way outta cross pointe. Cross Pointe doesn't even try to care. They're like okay a happy label for you and have a nice life. Holy shit this post is long af.

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