Me being reminded of how Tallulah and Fundy are so different in how they have experienced love. That Tallulah is so loved by her father since the first day he met her, by the immortal man that had taken up the responsibility and love her the same as his other children, by her brother so devoted to her happiness and protection, by so many people on the island. There is a community of people that love her, unconditionally by choice for who she is. That despite her flaws and her needs, they understand and cherish her so much for who she is. That she has never had to prove her worth or change for the people around her to receive that love. But the one she wants to love and misses, isn't there. And it is a terrible thing to be surrounded by love, but feeling like it isn't enough. And then I am reminded of Fundy, who has never been able to find the love he craves for. That no matter how hard he has tried, over and over again, he ends up in the same desolate space he had begun upon. That he had to fight and do all the things that tore himself apart just to have a place to belong, giving up parts of himself to do so. He repeats the cycle, the same damned thing, making the same mistakes and choices. He tries to chase after phantoms and run away from them at the same time. That all he finds are empty spaces to occupy, and for some time, it is enough to distract him of its conditional nature. But eventually, he is and once again is he left devoid of the care and affection he desires so much from someone else. And it aches, his heart bleeds from all that rejection, by his father, his family and the friends and leaders and companions that he seeks for something missing in himself. But all his effort and who he was could never be enough to be both loved and respected. And that in trying, he has neither and fell apart in despair. So perhaps then, does that means he was never something that could be lovable, despite how he tries so hard to be. And just something something about how love struggles in different ways, in both absence and overflow. Wanting and needing love as different things, trying to hold onto it, even if it hurts. So painful is it to have the capacity for love when life makes it so hard to do so, how much does it matter that the world is both one that gives and takes it in the same space.