#how the fuck do you get ahead in life
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"people shouldnt keep cold weather dogs in hot climates" dude thats so cool and wise of you!! Now what do people do with their cold weather dogs in their hot climates? Whats the next best move, jackass?
#they already have the dog. what should they do now? hmm?#or did you not think far ahead aside from doing what everyone likes to do on here and shame ppl for Not Being Good Enough or Not Knowing#Exactly What You Do Or Whats Right#like fuck yall. have some fucking perspective here. we get it you're so smart and have figured it all out.#so then solve this lil issue if you know so fuckin much. if all your factual shit can just *solve* interpersonal human issues like this#bc sometimes you can just read a convenient blcok of text and think thats enough but not actually have any perspective on how to#handle these situation itl or the nuances of people and what theyre willing to do. etc#irl* not itl#shave the dog? not good for theie coat#get rid of the dog? good luck convincing families that have had the dog for years#kill the dog? bc thats the last solution here.#maybe life is messy and cant easily be solved and put into neat little boxes like some of yall want
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watcher lore dislikers are reported to be mildly scared and afraid during this season of life series
#discourse#SPOOKY SOUND EFFECT......TAG RANT AHEAD..... BEWARE !!!#you have no idea how worried i am that they're gonna pull some ''lore'' stuff#storytelling does not always need supernatural Mega Powerful Beings for the stakes to be high or for the story to be interesting#sometimes the interesting parts come from the clear Lack of those elements#sorry to martyn but i do not exactly fuck with his lore. and i'll be a bit disappointed if it becomes ''canon''#i say that like i wont just ignore it and then get on with my life LOL#i guess it's like. i enjoy the life series for the narratives it tells in regards to people and their choices#brushing that all aside to be like ''there's big evil space guys in control of the whole thing who are EVIL!!! or NEUTRAL MAYBE!!!'' -#- just feels really disinteresting to me. you don't need to invent a Big Bad. let the players tell the story on their own#this is a lite version of my actual frustrations with it but i'm not going in depth about it because like.#i've got more important things to worry about LOL
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#vent post alert vent post alert!#you can skip ahead this is 100% me being dramatic but ohhh my god#why the fuck do people feel the need to comment on every single tiny thing that i do that literally doesn’t affect anybody#except for making my life that little bit easier??#a list of Very Rude things that i apparently do that don't sit well with people:#working with my overhead lights off when i'm alone in the office (one day a month)#greeting people with a general good morning and not going into every single room to announce my presence when i get into work#working with headphones on#(not bc it's against workplace policies just bc i don't make myself constantly available for chats with my coworkers)#worthy to note i'm not even the only one who does any of these things apparently it's just a problem when i do it go figure#rn it was keeping the pantry door closed bc the noise the electronics in the room make is particularly grating#(pantry door needs to be open at all times for ???? reasons)#i could go on#as you can tell these are all Very Serious and Bothersome Offenses#like i'm sorry very unobtrusively accommodating my autistic brain is such a bother for you#please how can i make YOUR experience even more comfortable at the expense of mine#fuck this shit honestly
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#the more i stay around people the more i want to become like them out of spite#because i was so surprised these people are at least 24-26 years age some even did a minor bachelor's before coming here#some have completed post grad and then joined#like aren't you all too fucking old to act that immature#i grew so resentful of everyone how they keep on doing the worst low man shit and then victimize themselves#hypocrites full of shit they don't want to hear the truth#i know no one has the audacity to take a fight with me on here because they know im the youngest here#not because im the youngest but because im better#the girls frown upon me because i don't hear their low mindset humorless jokes and pointo out where they fall short#oh [my irl name] youre so stiff hamesha kami kyun nikalti rahti ho hamesha baat kaatne ki aadat hai learn to take a joke#mazaak hi to kar rahe hain kya yaar#ive cried so many times because i feel suffocated here and out of hate i want to act immature selfish hypocrite too so i do#i become self centered and look into my needs#but everyday bcg shows me how one stays firm in mindset even amidst surrounding of shit people#he points out to me all the time when i start acting like them he says why aren't you trying to rise above#i say ham bhi karte hai na unn chutiyon jaisa behave kyunki unhe unhi ki language mei samajh aata hai#achha ban kar honest banne se kuch nahi milta yaha#but he knows his stuff#he never does these things#however much i let evil thoughts take upon i get astounded everyday how he's practicing his rightful his honesty even tho no one's looking#it makes me want to cry#i hope he gets so ahead in life i hope he stands at the podium one day on a stage and deliver speeches where people actually can see him#like he sees the orator that come to attend our unis gatherings and says everytime kuch to baat hoti hai inn logon mei#i hope he achieves whatever he wants i hope he gets ahead of everyone all this fucking corruption#its not that he's done anything that im applauding he tries his best#and maybe teachers see that too all in class they're only looking at him and teaching they know#do you know how fucking hard it is not get corrupted in this uni and become one of those assholes that have done things unimaginable#im inspired everyday ill try my best to be like him#i do not just want to praise him i want to become someone he doesn't have to say fir tum bhi vahi karogi to kya farq reh jaayega#kuch bada nahi hota logon ki roz roz ki choti choti aadaton se pata chal jaata hai vo kaise hain
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idk if it’s at all important to the story (i am playing fallen london without consulting the wiki because im stubborn) but which side did the scoundrel take in the strike at the docks
well. with the knowledge that they're a gay-coded comically evil supervillain at heart. and they hate unions. and they actually think mr fires is pretty based. what do you think
(neddy men. it was neddy men. im so sorry)
#also based to go without the wiki but do be very aware that there are things permanently missable in certain ambitions#without knowing them ahead of time#if nothing else it's an excellent resource just to keep track of how to get stuff! bessemer steel ingots guide i owe you my fucking life#ask#fallen london#also if you wanna do certain lategame questlines or be Super Optimal during festivals it's a lifesaver#like. you CAN probably totally do discordance without the wiki? but also good luck#and knowing exactly what options will give you lacre every day in sackmas is a godsend
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I hate how every job says they're looking for a person like this because I am none of those things? Where are the jobs willing to pay top dollar for an unmotivated unprofessional cold unpersonable non starter who is disorganized and pays very little attention to detail?
#also i wish my guidance counselor in high school had sat me down and said dont go to college without a career plan#instead of what he did do which was tell me my grades are so good i absolutely should go to college#wish he had said at least make sure you get an aa in like accounting or something to fall back on#am i bitter about never finding a job that uses my degree that wouldnt also include needing grad school?#kinda#capitalism makes fools of us all#crap#its shut down week at the ethanol plant that does nothing with my english or fine art degrees#and also nothing with my 15 years of retail and customer service experience either lmao#i fucking hate shut down so much it is inevitable i start thinking of quitting even tho i am making more money than i have in my life#how fucking insane is it that jobs that require a masters degree will pay 15 an hour and yet this job that requires a ged at most starts at#like 25 and this plant actually starts low judging by what other plants are offering like damn#every job ive ever had needed no degree at all how much farther ahead would i be if id just gone straight to work?#like i fucking loved the college experience but it didnt do a fucking thing for me other than saddle me with life crushing debt
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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how do i tell my mother that coming into my room calling me "lazybones" if i'm still in bed at any time past 7 a.m. for YEARS has done near-irreparable damage to my self-esteem and created shame about being able to just fucking relax?
#but she can rot on the couch playing mahjong on her ipad all day it's fine#i don't feel at all angry when i come home dirty and tired from work#and she tells me i'm making dinner#while she sits curled up on the couch with a cup of tea and a book#sure mom. let me just take a shower and i'll get right on that#but please do let me know how hungry you are five times while i'm trying to scrape together some energy#i need to get out of this house#some small part of me kinda hopes she just doesn't come back from vacation#and. and .#as i'm giving her a VERY NICE vacation pedicure last night#she goes 'hey could i maybe use your hardcase on this trip? it'd just be easier in a customs search'#oh the brand new really nice hardcase suitcase that you got me for my birthday? that one?#not one of the four other suitcases you own?#sure. go ahead and take it#anythign else i can get you queen?#my belongings are not my own#my life is not my own#my time is not my own#yes i know i have control issues but i think i've earned them a little bit#i never learned to set boundaries and could never say no to my mom without being reprimanded#and i feel like a shell of a person because she's belittled my individuality if it doesn't conform to her worldview#and i feel like i'm dangling this husk in front of people and saying 'yep this is me. my whole essence'#all because i can't say no to her taking my fucking suitcase like it was never really mine to begin with#like she's just entitled to all my shit#i'm fine. i have a meeting with my therapist next week. i'm fine.
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not one of my kids emailing me a MONTH before school starts asking if there will be any exams the first week of school like honey please throw your school chromebook in the east river and go to the park and play a made up game with your friends i didnt give summer homework on purpose please be a child please be free
#i get that grindset culture is really pervasive and this kid knows shes gonna have to bust her ass to get ahead in life but damn#i should not be telling 12 year olds how to deal with burnout#constantly torn between telling the kids fuck all this shit do what makes you happy#and being like yeah youre right if you ever want to be able to move out and have financial independence in this city you gotta bust ass#i hate it here#parents if your kids are this stressed and obsessed with school please do not see this as a good thing
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I feel like growing up with parents that are rabid conspiracy theorists about anything and everything affects you like. way way way deeper than most people do (or maybe want to?) acknowledge. and I just wish it was talked about more honestly
#misc.txt#ventish#(<-not too bad just tagging for blocking purposes)#like. this is embarassing to say but my parents were and still are severely anti vax. so at some point I need to go get#proper rounds of vaccines#bc obv I was not fucking allowed to#preferrably uh. fucking soon if I can work out how to do it without them knowing#(and if I can't I guess. I'll have to figure out some health insurance stuff bc I could literally be in danger if they did know.)#(which is a whole can of worms on its own.)#and EVEN THOUGH I fully 100% know that everything they fed me was bullshit#I still have so much deep fear around it bc it was drilled into my head so fucking hard growing up#x will kill you. y will make you sick. z will probably damn you to hell forever but maybe not who knows better to be scared and 'safe.' etc#and it's so hard to even explain it to ppl because they go 'oh so you still believe that stuff' and no!! no I do not!!#Ive just been trained since birth to be afraid of anything n everything!! I've been fed lies for my entire life!! thats hard to shake off!!#I WANT to do good things for myself but my stomach drops on instinct just thinking about it#and I am so so so tired of having to be brave about things I never should have had to be brave about. that's all ig. I'm tired.#like either ppl think you have also inherited their insanity OR they just look at it like 'oh haha funny quirky kooky'#no it's kind of torn my psyche to shreds in ways I'm still uncovering. but w/e go ahead and laugh <3
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you know I actually have an Andy fic in my special children au that I’m trying to write and the biggest reason I haven’t finished it is that every time I get really into it, it suddenly switches into second person
#this fic wants to be in second person so bad you have no idea#it is literally wrestling with me every other sentence okay#I was writing a bit of it and boom: ‘-but you’re getting ahead of yourself’ LIKE?? FOR FUCKS SAKE STAY IN THIRD#Andy ily but why does your pov want to be fucky okay I have established that this series is in third person already we can’t do this#I think it’s because it is v like. stream of consciousness. tangent-y.#you know. how you would expect someone’s thoughts to be after experiencing something traumatic a la shooting their newfound brother#in the head and then losing his best friend because fucky mind control reasons. he’s a little. dizzy.#stressed little bong man just wanted to live in his van and now his life is so messed up :(#anyway that’s why I keep having to force it back into third person it’s v frustrating
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ngl besties but i am not doing so great right now. anyone else not able to function because of constant thoughts of hurting yourself and crushing depression?
#im good dont worry#i don't even know how to feel better#all i do is try to keep myself distracted 100% of the time but that means I can't do things that i need to do#im in a therapy program 25 hours a week#but i don't know what to share during process group because there was no trigger for all of this. i just feel so shitty for no reason#i did a lot of cbt and dbt when i was younger so the skills aren't very useful to me even if i wanted to use them#when i talk to the therapist one on one i just tell her about how i want to kill myself and stuff#i don't even really want to get better because that means that i won't kill myself and have to be alive#but i know that i can't kill myself so i need to get better. i don't want to though.#i feel like no one can help me including myself even if i tried really hard because i just can't stop these thoughts#i can't go on like this. when you feel like this and don't feel safe then you're supposed to go to the emergency room#and they will probably send you to the psych ward. but i was just there and they barely helped me.#i know that i have a bright future ahead of me and i will get my degree next year from a good university in an employable field#i know i have such a good life and a bright future but i don't want it#i feel like a horrible person and so ungrateful for saying that#anyways i guess i just need to keep trying to get through each day even though i don't want to and it's so fucking hard#my suicidal thoughts are actually getting a little better but they are still almost constant and overwhelming#and sometimes i can't help but make suicide plans which i know if concerning but i haven't actually taken any steps towards carrying out#those plans#i just wish that that i could be dead. it would solve all my problems. but my family and ffriends would be sad.#if i can't kill myself and i always feel so bad how do i keep getting through each day?#i don't know how much longer i can live like this. ive already lived longer than i thought i would before i was hospitalized#but if i can't die and i can't feel better then what do i do? i can't function like this or do the things i need to do#and each day it gets harder and harder#i think i need to share some of this shit during process group tomorrow lol#i guess just about feeling stuck and like i'll never feel better and not being sure if i want to get better?
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Siigghh
#vent#idk man. feeling hopeless again#it is. so hard to be optimistic about the future when it is genuinely difficult imagining myself anywhere else but here#its difficult imagining myself getting out of this house that’s actually through a realistic scenario and isn’t just wishful andromanticized#my friends are trying to help me get out of here at least but is it even going to work out? is this all even going to be worth it?#idk.#imagining myself in a happier scenario genuinely truly does not feel right. it doesnt feel realistic. it doesnt feel possible.#and whenever I think about it I just feel weird because I know I can’t get my hopes up like that#the thought of myself being happy doesn’t feel normal.#i feel like i’ve just been stuck in the same place i’ve always been and i always will. both literally and metaphorically#i’m always going to be in this shitty house around my shitty parents rotting away like i have been for nearly 18 years now#and i feel like despite my age i haven’t actually grown up. I havent grown as a person or changed or anything.#i dont have any big achievements. i’ve never worked. I put off getting drivers ed for years until now#I don’t know how to cook or to do things the right way unless i’m shown#literally 80% of my fucking life has been spent in my room or in school#i feel like i’ve just been in stasis for years and the thought of actually having a life feels impossible.#i get the whole ‘you don’t want to die you just want an escape’ thing people say but I genuinely can’t think of any other way I could really#escape this.#the only thing that’s really keeping me from actually going ahead and killing myself is the fact that it feels selfish. i feel selfish.#because its going to hurt my friends and im going to feel even worse about it if i survive#I’m honestly envious of all my friends lives. why couldn’t i have gotten that lucky.
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oh I love feeling somewhat hopeful and excited about academia again :( I just have to get through this hellish year and then next year should be so much better. KNOCK ON WOOD.
#tbh my term is basically over i just have to write fourish essays and then do an exam#but it's so hard to get the motivation to do them i just feel so far behind after Everything that went down#and I'm sleeping ok now (KNOCK. ON. FUCKING. WOOD. ) but what happened with it fully did wreck me#and i went from actually being pretty ahead of everything i had to do to being way behinf#**behind#and btw i asked for an extension and she was like yeah I'll check and get back to you. and then never responded#and it doesn't even go toward our grade. so that essay isn't getting fucking written lol#especially when i have one due worth 80% like be serious...#<- it's worse too because the 20% assignment was due in. you'll never guess when. february. so you can guess how that went#oh and i STILL haven't gotten my shitty february essay back from that professor i emailed either!!! girl HELLO#anyway. hope u enjoyed that tour to my terrible academic life#the thing is. and i don't know if this is worse. when i actually do do the work even when it's last minute etc i do well#like if i just crack down for a day i can get a first in whatever essay. but lately i just can't do it. because of the illnesses.#but it's fiiiiine i have a month and I'll write them and they'll be good and it'll be fine. knock on wood. 😐#**YEAR. not term. my term IS over. and then i have my third one next month. I'm sure you don't care about this#but i like accuracy.
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The Beach Boys Love You (1977) is such a questionable album I mean it’s barely even a Beach Boys album based on who contributes what but she’s so silly to me ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
#talkingcore#could YOUR fave make a song all about how manly Johnny Carson is? what about fucking planets#what do the planets mean!!! and have you ever seen sun shine in the morn??#its batshit insane it pioneered synthpop almost 40 years ahead of time#being seconds away from divorce struggling with substance abuse and being abused by your therapist can make some good songs#actually they just lead you not to make music for like 10 years but that’s besides the point Thank You Brian Wilson#Pet Sounds is the greatest album of all time? I’d like to see where in Pet Sounds there’s a song about honking down the gosh darn highway#i think it’s gonna be on loop this is not looking good for my future#like okay literally it’s a Brian Wilson solo album but they were like fuck it The Beach Boys need to put something out#so it became the bbs love you and not Brian loves you#which like yes the other members contribute vocals but literally All the lyrics and instruments are Brian#which by the way it’s all synths which is really insane and fun for the time#and also given the point in his life he was at he absolutely should NOT have been allowed to make lyrics#i mean hell during his accepted peak he had other people handling lyrics#so you want him making words while his brain is melting???? okay ig#that’s how you get roller skating child……. but it slaps though!!!!!!#omg I’ve not explained hey little tomboy on here oh my god#it’s not on love you I don’t like the album it’s from but ohhhh my god what a song………#OH FORGOT TO ADD you have a duet between Brian and his wife about like love shit and it’s actually really pretty#but like they’re on the brink of divorce when it was recorded so it’s amusing in that sense
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Weekends are just a never-ending argument with myself about why I need to stop spending money on things in what feels like a Sisyphusian effort to feel less sad
#it doesn't MATTER that those cute heels are on super sale dumbass!!#because you never fucking go anywhere to wear heels and have nobody to wear them for so they languish in your closet 99% of the time#you don't NEED another tattoo no matter how fun they are or how happy the idea makes you#you SHOULDN'T go get fancy weekend food there's cheap shit at home aren't you supposed to be on a budget idiot#you have ENOUGH random hobby distractions you don't need another one to add to the stack you never even finished that last jigsaw puzzle#but then like counter-argument... when I don't do things that make me feel better at least for a little while then i just think about dying#and being empty and alone and having my whole life stretching ahead of me in a featureless fog until i die anyway#so maybe it's ok to say fuck my budget and go get that nice sandwich and maybe see how much a small new tattoo might cost#because it's not like my budget will matter if I just Succumb To The Horrors#retail therapy#depression#honestly money spent and calories consumed on the weekends just shouldn't count 😤
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