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greekbros · 3 years

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"greek-Bros: A Proper Replacement"

(The Boys™️ are on a quest to find a replacement for Theseus, whom has proven to be....in a blunt sense....a complete moron. With in several days, Theseus had caused problems for Perseus and Heracles than actually do anything useful. So Heracles and Perseus had decided to find their next best bet, a man who best emboded both of their best qualities, Achilles. Whom unfortunately has been roaming freely in the underworld.)

Perseus: ok Herac (pronounced like the name 'Eric'), ol'Achilles should be around here somewhere....

Heracles: As much as I enjoy the idea of leaving Theseus unattended back at the gate watching Cerberus....do you honestly have such a lack of faith in him?

Perseus: Yes. Yes I do. Plus the guy knows jack-fuck about fighting and everytime he tags along, some random animal starts attacking us.

Heracles: ....ok, I must admit that leopard that was rather out of place .....in the brig of a boat.

Perseus: Yeah. Anyway, Hades told me Achilles should be right around....*looks at the skeletons that litter the floor of this cavern*here..... hopefully he's...all there.

Heracles: All there? What do you mean?

Perseus: Well, you see, he ugh... didn't JUST fuck up his ankle....he also got well....shot in the head too. He's been a little....um.....jumpy.

Heracles: ....oh...yes...I've seen raiders from the north with injuries like those....they always seem calmer.

Perseus: Well Achilles isn't like most men. For example. *He flawless triggers a hidden trap Achilles had made by throwing a rock, triggering a comedically huge log crushes the space where he and Heracles were about to step to* .....

Heracles: ...yes. I can see he's a good candidate.....but there's something that has been bothering me since we entered.

Perseus: Yeah what is it? *is mildly impressed at the fact Achilles brought a huge ass log into the underworld*

Heracles: .....Why was uncle Hades completely complicit with the idea we could successfully bring Achilles back to the surface world?

Perseus: *it suddenly dawns on him that Hades probably assumed Achilles would kill him and Heracles thus they would be stuck in Tartarus* .................well fuck.

Achilles: *comes swinging on a rope screaming like a madman* RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Perseus: *leaps on to Heracles completely off guard and screams like a girl for two seconds*

Heracles: *stone faced, holding Perseus* ....oh look there he is.

Achilles: *swings past the two, over shooting his entrence, he jumps, lands on a cave ledge but he scream mostly due to his injured ankle. Turns around* *continues screaming like a Vietnam veteran*

Perseus: sorry Herac for screaming in you ear.

Heracles: *obviously joking* I shall never forgive you. *Puts him down* ..... ACHILLES PLEASE SHUT UP BEFORE YOU ATTRACT SOMETHING UNSAVORY!

Achilles: FUCK YOU AGAMEMON! SUCK MY COCK YOU LIMP DICK MAN COW! *Completely unaware where or what's going on*

Perseus: .....*takes out a fig* .....*whistles as if he is whistling to a dog* come here boy. Here's a snack.

Achilles: *goes silent, goes on all fours, climbs down the rock face saying "ow" every step, steps down, calmly limps to Perseus, takes the fig and eats it*

Heracles: *carefully takes Achilles and restrains him* ....*takes a look at a conspicuous hole in Achilles's helmet* ....Oh so that's what you were referring to.

Achilles: *chewing the fig* .....

Perseus: yeah *looks at Achilles's fucked up ankle, it's bent, with an arrow STILL embedded in it and it's beyond saving* ok.....ugh...Heracles.....I'm going to do something that hopefully.... Achilles won't be mad at me forever for....*takes the torche he accidentally dropped* .....*takes his sword, heats the sword with the torch*

Heracles: ! Perseus...... please....not while I'm holding him.

Achilles: *war vet senses tingling, looks at what Perseus is doing and starts singing the song of his people....which is just more incoherent screaming*

Perseus: OK GENTLEMEN TIME FOR SOME IMPROVISED SURGERY NOW HOLD ACHILLES STILL ITS GOING TO MAKE HIM A HELL OF A LOT BETTER!

Heracles: COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST INFORMED ME THIS BEFORE IM HOLDING HIM!!?!

Perseus, Achilles, and Heracles: *all scream*

*BACK ON THE UPPER GATES OF TARTARUS*

Theseus: *kinda just hangs out with Cerberus who's decided Theseus was not worth killing so he's just tolerate him* ......*pats Cerberus's fur*

Cerberus: grrrrrrrrrrrrrr........

Theseus: *puts his hand down* ......

Hades: *comes into check on Theseus* ....ah...you're still here? Do you plan on waiting for Heracles and Perseus for all eternity then?

Theseus: Nah, I know they'll comeback.

Hades: Right.....I shall comeback with refreshments th-*hears two men arguing coming up the stairs of Tartarus* ...no....no that can't be.

Theseus: See *has the dumbest look on his face, completely unaware that he's getting fired from being a brother to Perseus and Heracles*

Heracles: *walking up the stairs with Achilles, all calm and snacking on any snacks Perseus had with him, and one less foot* ......I have to admit....I'm not sure if my hearing will recover from this.

Perseus: *just satisfied his makeshift amputation was successful* Holyshit man quit whining....hey uncle Hades. *Waves to hades*

Hades: *speechless*

Theseus: Oh cool! You found Achilles!

Perseus: shut up. Apparently he's been suffering from chronic pain this whole time. Hey buddy you ok? *Gives a small pap to Achilles's knee*

Achilles: .....figs.

Perseus: yeah yeah figs.

Hades: No! No no! I refuse to believe you were able to catch him.....how did you both do it?

Perseus: ......*points to Achilles who's eating a snack* ....behold.

Heracles: it appears Achilles never REALLY crossed over. He's just been hiding this whole time.....also you wouldn't happen to have ugh.... something for his leg? *Motions to the newly cut nub on Achilles's leg.* Unfortunately we can't do very much about his other injury. *Motions his head to Achilles's left eye, where an arrow is sticking out*

Hades: .....*sighs* ....one moment. *Walks up to Achilles, and swiftly pulls the arrow out, uses a long leaf from Persephone's garden and wraps it around Achilles's head, healing the more external injuries* there we go.

Achilles: *blinks* .... headache's gone.

Perseus: Da'fuk did you do?

Hades: Many things can be healed with a "deusexmachina Pinaceae" plant.

Heracles and Perseus: *unamused at the bullshit Hades had pulled*

Theseus: So where to guys?

Perseus: ......*thinking about tying Theseus to Cerberus's collar*

Achilles: *waves his leg nub* ....foots gone.

Heracles: yes it is.

Achilles: ......oh.

#greek bros #greek-Bros #The Boys™️ comeback #greek gods #hades #perseus #heracles #Achilles #no not Hades Supergiant Achilles #Theseus #greek mythology

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