jisung is rlly doin it for me rn….

Mysterylover watches Bleach Episodes 140-141

mysterylover123

1. So there’ve been like a billion Bleach analysis vids dropped in the last week. I was curious enough to check them out, but did my best to make sure I skipped past spoilers. That was interesting, especially since they dispelled a bunch of myths about the show (like getting ‘cancelled’ or ‘falling in popularity’), and validated something I’ve kinda begun to suspect: Namely, that Bleach is actually kinda good and most of the  critiques of it are things that are problems with any Shounen. Which is neat. Got me plenty hyped for this episode. 

2. Darnit we’re starting out with Ura’s fight. I’m still mad at you Ura. 

3. Rangi is so fiesty. Kick their asses Rangi! Also: So Hitsu is a full on WaterBender?! Damn that’s cool.

4. Oh Damn back to Ichi vs GJ. Ichi’s gonna get fucked up this time, I just know it. He’s so screwed. Thank god he’s a Shonen protag or I’d be worried he’d be dead. 

5. RUKIA WITH THE RESCUE!!!! YAS!!!! GO RUKIA VS GJ ROUND TWO. And Ruki Ices him up good and quick, then saves Ichi from being all bound. She’s awesome. I kinda have the feeling turning her back on frozen GJ is a bad idea. HE’s gonna pop outta that ice any minute now...

6.th YUP THERE HE GOES. GRabs Ruki’s head and looks like he’s sucking out her energy, only for...something to get in the way? OK who’s here to save Ruki now? (seriously we’ve got such a circle of saving). OK it’s uh...(checks subtitles) Shinji. Blond guy. OK. I guess he’s cool now.

7. So Shinji’s gonna fight GJ instead huh. DAmmit that’s so much more boring than Ruki fighting him. 

8. Wow GJ’s actually scared of Shinji huh? And damn that was a pretty big blast. Hope GJ’s not dead, he’s still a cool villain. LOL and Ichi and Ruki just stand there watching like ‘damn’. 

9. GJ yelling Damn really makes him seem like this show’s Vegeta. Like the badass villain rival whose role is to get his ass kicked all the time and be mad about it.

10. ULQUIORRA?!?! WTF WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHY ARE YOU INTERFERING IN THIS FIGHT? not that I’m complaining. I mean more Ulqui is always good. But wow they just left like that. Cause they  already got Orihime so they don’t need to bother with any of these losers I guess.

11. So Arrancars ascend through their light columns while Ulqui thinks judge-y thoughts about Ichi while flashing back to capturing Hime. Cause again, they’ve got her so they win. 

12. OOH Ulqui gave Hime a Phaser/Invisible bracelet huh? She can say goodbye to one person? (I’m going to guess it’ll be Ichigo, though my heart wants it to be Tatsuki). And damn there’s some serious Phantom of the Opera vibes in this sequence, huh? Hey, he is letting her say goodbye and spend 12 hours getting chores ready for everyone. That’s something. Most anime villain kidnappers are not that considerate.

13. Invisible Orihime sequence! And Phasing! Damn it’s like being a ghost. Spooky.  

14. THAT DOOF SAID TATSUKI’S NAME. AND HIME HEARD AND FREKED OUT OMG. SAY GOODBYE TO TASUKI HIME. DO IT DO IT DO IT!!! OMG SAD TATSUHIME MONTAGE. YAS WELCOME BACK TO THE FOLD

15. Tatsuki be looking right at Hime even though Hime’s invisible. That’s some serious soulmates stuff. 

16. Sad Ichigo & Rukia scene next, as of course the minute Hime disappears nobody can heal him right away. Damn they’re gonna lose their white mage healer this arc! Without Hime the squad is gonna be so screwed, they’re  worse than Deku at avoiding getting injured.

17. OOH this guy described his powers as being like a ‘time reversal’. Is that how Hime’s powers work too? DOES SHE HAVE ERI’S POWERS?! (or maybe not since Eri doesn’t talk to fairies).

18. Rukia immediately tries to reassert her position as Hime’s main femslash pairing by worrying about her and ditching the injured Ichigo to go find her. Even though she’s hungry and Ichi’s nice sisters have dinner ready for her. 

19. I like how Ichi’s family has just kinda accepted that Ruki now lives in Ichi’s room. Like, it’s just the way things are.

20. ORIHIME KITTY PRYDES HER WAY THROUGH THE WALL. She’s picking Ichi? darnit. Ah well. OK let’s see whatcha got for Ichi, Hime. She lists all her ships to make sure we know she still remembers them. 

21. She’s sweet about Ichi’s sisters spending the night! And gets embarassed about being in his bedroom. This sequence is so wholesome. (except the “your scent” line wtf hime you been memorizing that?) Anyway, she puts her hand on his. 

22. DON’T KISS HIM WHILE HE’S UNCONSCIOUS HIME!! GUY CAN’T CONSENT IF YOU DO THAT!! Anyway we get a cute IchiHime montage, to make sure we’ve covered all the main Hime shipping bases this episode. And thank god her tears wake him up before she can kiss him unconsciously. 

23. DAMMIT HIME YOU’RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY. She wanted to do all this stuff. Damn she likes sweets huh? oh god she’s gonna make me start bawling. She wants to live 5 lives. “I would have fallen in love with the same person five different times” HOLY SHIT HIME. You are smooth. That’s a hell of a line. 

24. “goodbye halcyon days”.

Part of me wants to make a long emotional unus annus post bc it truly did mean sooooo much to me and I’m in tears as we speak just sadder than I’ve been in a long fucking time but I know like..... I’m just a cocktail rn lmao

(vent under cut)

Yesterday I was hit with a POTENT shot of anxiety later in the day relating to an interest that had previously been absolutely euphoric for several weeks so now I’m working thru anxiety over an interest (which honestly? Happens w almost all my interests at some point or another and I hate it lmao) and not being able to turn to it for joy and comfort until that anxiety somehow passes, and then bECAUSE I was anxious I’ve barely eaten the past 24 hours bc my stomach felt too gross (anxiety manifestation w me) so I’ve been super wonky bc of that even tho I’m tryna eat some things and drink tea and such. And then today we had a scare w one of my cats where we legit didn’t kno if she’d make it thru the day like..... I was sitting at my laptop watching the unus annus stream being like internally “is she going to not last through the week? are we going to have to say goodbye?” Which obviously feels AWFUL and scary as hell amidst my other emotions so it’s like.... she’s ok and stable now I think but holy shit...... I’m just soooo fucking sad about so many things it’s all hitting at once and I hate venting bc I don’t!! Wanna make anyone feel bad! Or have anyone worry!! Like I despise the idea of that! I don’t even rlly do that irl w family I only “”vent”” via mentioned sarcastic jokes and just. Process anxiety and sadness internally lmao. But idk sometimes writing things down and putting them out helps. And I kno it’ll b fine tomorrow and I’m gonna try to eat a little before bed or at least drink some kiefer for the protein + probiotics but damn....... last two days have fucking sucked I can’t remember the last time I was this sad and anxious HAVBSBDBFN even tho I’m anxious a lot it’s like. More lmao. Anyway. I’ll deeply deeply  miss seeing the vids on my YouTube and watching them w my sib and laughing to them and playing them in the bg when I need happy things to fill the space....... just generally having them as this consistent background of the year.... fuck..

ALSO I am anxious abt like. Lmao expressing on social media that I like unus annus and mark in particular bc I kno he can b a controversial figure? And I feel like at least some of my friends/ppl in my social circle rlly don’t like him and so I’m like aaaaaaaaa I rlly don’t wanna b judged I’m so afraid of ppl judging me bc of that idk if that sounds dumb...

Also damn bitch I’m fuckin lonely lmao. Not to b dramatic but I’m w my fam and chat w online friends all day every day almost (and sometimes voice chat) but I still feel lonely as shit 24 fucking 7 :P

i was at northeast trek con this weekend, if you couldn’t deduce it from my posts that must have sounded like they were coming from some sort of hallucinatory trip. to say i had fun would be a wild understatement. if you slot this con on an alignment chart, it would be wall-to-wall chaotic good. the theme advertised was celebrating the 25th anniversary of ds9... and boy did we celebrate.

what follows is everything i feverishly tweeted about the wildest 72 hours of my life.

the only reason i went to this con at all was @thylekshran, who wanted to see one mr. jeffwey combs very badly. @jadziadax happened to say to me one night, “hey you should go to this con happening where you live to see nicole,” and i said, “wait a minute, isn’t this the con dylan wants to go to? what if i actually Did go to this?”

friday: i grabbed dylan, somehow, from the bus stop that i think didn’t quite exist on this plane. we get to the con and we walk into the exhibit hall. nicole is right by the door and i cannot look at her, so we beeline for vendor tables, and suddenly before me is an extremely familiar spread of colorful images. it takes me a minute to process it, and then i’m pointing to this table and rushing toward it going, “OH MY GOD. IT’S HER! FROM TUMBLR! OH MY GOD WHAT.” it was none other than @abravenoise selling prints!!!! i had no idea she would be there since i didn’t look at anything before i left the house. just fyi she is irl just about the nicest person i’ve ever met!!!!!! and i’m so glad we got to hang out as much as we did!

we spent the day mostly going to panels and being big baby chickens regarding jeff’s and nicole’s tables, respectively. we did end up at jg hertzler’s table A Lot, because dylan, like, is recognized?? by him and his wife??? idk dylan’s just out here charming the pants off everybody, so i was like, okay cool, this is the first thing that is Totally Fine, just chilling with martok. we also met two cool dudes through jg who really enjoyed hanging out with us, and that was great! making friends all over the place! not the first and not the last!

one thing dylan and i were bummed about was that the klingon meet & greet party that night (where jg and robert o’reilly would get in costume as martok and gowron and duel to the death) was sold out. we really really really wanted to go... so dylan just... straight up asks jg if he can get us in dhfklshdfd. and you know what? he fucking does. just... put our names right on that list! O K A Y!

the friday panels were a sign of what would be to come, every one we went to was crazy. this was my first real trek con, so of course i have never seen hertzler and o’reilly in a room together, but now i have and my third eye is open and all that. not to mention: learning that garrett wang plays pokemon go, nicole cracking up at poop jokes like i said, hertzler doodling a little shran with glasses on jeff’s sign, the con’s power point file just being named DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. everything that was happening was so good.

chase masterson had a panel about her pop culture hero coalition, and currently working for a non-profit myself, i was really curious about what kinds of programming they do, so i went to her table to talk to her about it. chase ended up talking some about the why’s of starting the coalition, what it meant to her, her own struggles with depression, and i’m thinking to myself, “uhhhhhh well if chase is gonna share about her mental health struggles, then... i... will also do this.” the nanosecond i said something about experiencing difficulty with self-love, she was zeroed in on me like a cruise missile. i spilled everything to her about my job and how my old boss was basically the meanest, most miserable person alive, and how much she got into my head and how now that i was out of that department, i had to pick up the pieces and it was proving to be much harder than it has been in the past. well, god almighty, chase just had the nicest things to say in return, and we commiserated over being your own worst critic, and how ridiculously hard it is to have this fight against yourself over and over again, but that we deserve so much and going forward is worth it. jesus christ! i got a big hug and said to myself, “holy shit i can’t wait to tell my therapist that a star trek actor talked to me about mindfulness and now i want to learn the hell out of it.”

oh but then it was time for the klingon party that we were now going to thanks to jg hertzler. this thing was off the chain immediately, martok and gowron had their duel, first with sparkling bat’leths that fell apart, and then with whole baguettes, and i can’t believe i got to watch this with my eye parts. and that was the beginning; the party would go for another 3 hours, almost all of which i spent dancing with the most generous people i’ve ever met, who went out of their way to welcome everyone they could onto the dance floor, regardless of physical ability or skill level. there was one woman in particular who, if she saw even the slightest twinkle in your eye and you weren’t already dancing with her, she’d be like, “you, get over here!” i don’t know how my body did that for all that time without falling apart.

our esteemed guests began showing up, and garrett wang leapt into the middle of our jump around circle and gave each one of us a vulcan high five. jeffrey combs showed up which of course sent dylan over the moon, and he said, “you go, girl!” to her dancing. max grodenchik gave dylan one of his drink tickets and then asked us whether or not we thought the existence of god could be proven. chase found us and reached out her hand over a couple people’s heads to give me a supportive hand squeeze (!!!???). aron eisenberg, i don’t know what the hell he was doing, but i feel like maybe somebody asked him about terry, because all of a sudden i hear something like, “terry left because she was in love with nog and couldn’t take it anymore.” garrett has three pokemon go accounts, which he showed off at my urging, and let me tell you, don’t encounter him at a gym because he has three dragonites, two tyranitars, a monster blissey, and god knows what else. dancing, dancing, more dancing. then it was time for it to be done, and time to go home. we watched reanimator. i was wired as hell and barely slept.

and THAT. was only friday.

saturday: i had kept my eyes open for a copy of the lives of dax the day before, but didn’t see anybody selling one. this morning, i walk by a booth we went to the previous day and all of sudden, on top of a bunch of other books in a big tub, there it was!!! couldn’t have forked my money over faster if i tried.

then i had this bright idea. hey... here’s a copy of lives of dax... and nicole is here... and she should sign it... and then in the future i can get terry to sign it... boom, bang, let’s do it, right? i had dylan drag me to nicole’s table because i was like, “i am never going to make even eye contact with her if you do not physically take me there,” and one of us brought up that we missed her at the klingon party. it’s cool, we all gotta sleep, right? well, it turns out nicole had gone out with the gaaays in spaaace people to the bar where they were going to have their party later. so she says garrett texts her, “uhhh hey you know you’re kinda supposed to be making an appearance at this thing, right?” nope! no clue. so she texts him back, “hmmm uhhh well,” takes another sip of her drink, “i think i’m doing good work here.”

the thing about nicole that i somehow missed in my drinking in of all ds9 actor content is that she embodies pure shitposter energy, but if the shitposts were coming from a wine mom. she’s hysterical, 50% intentionally and 50% unintentionally. an extremely excellent human. she signed lives of dax, i had my tribble photo op with her later (that i almost missed due to getting into a conversation with larry nemecek!) and she said she was going to the gays in space party later. helllll yes. i hope somebody puts up her q&a because she told a RIDICULOUS story about auditioning for ezri and creeping on jeri ryan on a plane. i can’t do it justice, there are movements that have to be seen.

we went to combsland finally, and i grilled him about whether or not herbert killed the cat, and we learned jeff has two cats! show them off, man! where are the vids! then, and i had never planned to do this, i bought an autograph from him, and the shran i bought it on ended up selling out! crazy.

hertzler had doodled a martok above his table, and so this combined with the little shran from yesterday led me to these words coming out of my mouth: “can i pay you for a drawing? can i pay you for a drawing of jadzia and martok brofisting?” he gave it very serious thought, said he was gonna have to look at a lot of pictures of terry (relatable), and told me to give him my e-mail. between him and his wife, i hope to god one of them remembers my e-mail is in his wallet. let me give you money!!!

my next tweets jump right to gays in space - again, dylan knows a lot of the gis folks, so i didn’t feel like i was going into this totally unawares. we’re chilling at the bar, i’m drinking my cranberry juice, and then o’reilly, aron, and nicole arrive, telling everybody that jg’s probably going to be late because a bouncer pushed his wife and he might go to jail. like, kidding, but also... it’s jg hertzler and he could legitimately fuck you up. so he was gonna be late, regardless.

nicole sees dylan and me and comes to say hello (????!!!!!) and somebody ends up saying, “get this lady a drink!” yeah, dylan and i were on that. in fact, i pulled my credit card out like i cared not one bit about identity theft, fico scores, my own personal finances; i would purchase this alcohol in an alley from a guy using a card skimmer. few minutes tick by and then i’ve officially bought a drink for nicole de boer (?????????!!!!!!!!) and i’m giving it to her (????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and we’re clinking our glasses together (?????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i’m clinking glasses with nicole fucking de boer and somehow managing to be normal about it. i’m not altogether convinced i didn’t exit the universe entirely by this point and end up in another one.

the gays in space party was AMAZING, it was just as fun as the klingon party! if you have a chance to go to one, please do, there’s like no way you could ever regret it. you get treated to star trek-themed drag shows, get to mingle, there was a raffle, the people were just as friendly as the previous day, it was so great. we were out very late for my old lady body clock but it was worth every bit of exhaustion we felt the next morning, after the saga of actually getting home past a blocked off road and dylan slicing herself open on the bottom of my passenger seat.

sunday: nicole sees me, mid-yawn, and gives me one of those, “eyyy you and me went through some shit last night huh?” looks and tells me good morning. ( ? ? ? ? ? ! !  ! you know this drill.) combs ended up on the escalator behind us after his panel and i turned around and i said to him, “hey jeff, you got any pictures of your cats with you?” (no, but he has a black cat and a very vocal calico.) i went to chase’s table again and got another hug right out of the gate, we took a pic together, and she told me i was powerful! yo! or rather yooooooooooooooooooo!

the con was winding down at this point, but there was one more thing left: jeopardy. the jeopardy game was done at the first northeast trek con and was so popular they did it again, and i really, really hope someone uploads it to youtube because it is beyond description. first of all, the whole draw were the contestants: you could enter a raffle to end up on either hertzler’s, aron’s, or garrett’s team. the champion from the last game ended up buying half the tickets, so he was on it again, and not on aron’s team, much to aron’s annoyance because god almighty did he want to win. he was about to commit murder in there. someone said nicole was upset that she wasn’t in the game because she really wanted to play, lmfao. so the guys running it were like, “well, go get her, she can be on garrett’s team!” which sent aron into a fucking tailspin. now we got a team with two people on it?! they got nicole and drew the other winners, and the game began. 

one of the rules was “this isn’t going to be fair. at all.” actually, it was two of the rules. despite this, you’d have thought aron was bitten by a rabid raccoon. every lost question almost got him flipping the table over. nicole belatedly, i’m talking like 5 minutes into it, realizes she doesn’t understand the rules of jeopardy and can’t figure out why “their” question was answered by someone else. she can’t believe someone knew what voyager’s registry number was. one of the questions was, “a young kid called ensign kim this name instead of ‘ensign’,” and with no hesitation, she answers, “asshole,” and wasn’t even joking, that was her actual guess.    R E A L    W I N E    M O M    H O U R S

the winner was hertzler and the previous champ. aron wants to ban the guy from buying tickets ever again. we head to the closing ceremony but it doesn’t happen? lmfao. well, guess the con’s over!

@abravenoise, one of our other con pals, and dylan were all taking the same bus that night, so we all went to grab dinner with two other guys, one who was a con pal and one i hadn’t encountered at all, and halfway through our dinner larry nemecek strolls in and sits down with us. things just keep happening, huh? the guy i hadn’t encountered at all was really impressed with me unhinging my jaw to consume my burger, and halfway through doing this i have to stop because he says, “hey, why the HECK did jadzia die?!” ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh here go hell come. my time to shine.

larry like looooves asking people what brought them to star trek, and this time he was asking us the -whys- of what brings us to star trek. i said the characters, for sure. he asked us about our favorites. i told him mine had changed throughout my life, but that when i was a kid, dr. crusher was my first favorite. he said, “in high school?” i said, “no, i mean, when i was REALLY little. like 4 or 5.” he asked me, “wow, have you ever met gates at a con and told her that?” pfft well, no, but first of all, now you got me wanting that, second of all i said what i really wanted was to swap cat pictures with her.

that was the end. i took everybody to their bus, went home, snuggled up in bed, and just asked myself, “what the fuck happened?” i still don’t know! but it was fun as hell, and amazingly impactful, if i’m being honest with you. i was surrounded by so many people brimming with enthusiasm, so many people who were happy. then there’s me, a curmudgeon who’s done everything in her power to stamp down her happiness all in the name of being ~cool or whatever. and it hasn’t made me very happy. i mean, i am also clinically depressed, there is that. but i’ve stopped sharing the things i enjoy with others, especially in recent years. i’ve closed myself off, mostly out of fear and attempting to survive my old job, but even here, i tend to keep myself at a distance, and i thought it was just because i’ve run the whole gamut of loving something before and just want to hang out with my friends. i think it’s more than that, though. i think it’s more of a defensive posture, and it’s that same posture which is running my life right now. it’s exhausting. this weekend wasn’t exhausting. it was in the sense that the human body needs rest and sleep and food and i wasn’t getting nearly enough of any of it, but emotionally, i was unburdened.

it would be nice to be that way all the time. i don’t know if it’ll be possible to be happy again like the people i met this weekend, but i do know that i want to experience this over and over and over again.

now, next time, maybe @rootmacklin and @jadziadax will be with me and we’ll be showing off our friendship necklaces to a very tall lady. that would be a good step toward unlocking my happiness...