idk if id call ryan the peoples lister anymore.. especially after those controversial bucky takes….

Lets talk about SSRI’S (wooooo)

I wrote this because a couple of years ago, I was in need of a non-sensationalist or provocative review of SSRI’s. This is obviously entirely subjective and my own experience, but when I was researching meds for depression on the internet, literally ALL I saw were horror stories. I appreciate that the horror stories do happen and no medication is to be taken lightly (even if, more often than not, doctors throw whatever they want at you without so much as a conversation). Also I appreciate that the internet is a shit storm of misinformation and you shouldn’t neccesarily being looking for medical advice on there but you know we’ve all done it. ANYWAY.

I went on Sertraline (an SSRI) at the exact right time in my life. I’d had a deeply awful year when it came to my health, relationships and money (just to name a few) and I felt completely hopeless and devoid of any strength, motivation or joy. I was in near constant pain with endometriosis and was reeling from a horrible yearlong encounter with someone I should never have known. I had quit my job(s), left everyone I knew behind and gone to a new city to re-join the world of academia after seven years. Looking back, I don’t know how I could have thought that going on medication was some kind of dramatic choice because I honestly would not have coped without it. For those who are wondering what the conversation with the GP goes like, they are usually keen to get you to into therapy whilst being on the medication and I found the combination very effective (and HARD of course but endlessly worth it). It’s really important that you be honest with them about all the bad feelings and don’t minimise them. A lot of the time as soon as your dark, upsetting thoughts are shared they become a lot less consuming. So even if you’re not at the stage where you want to talk to a doctor, you can try and confide in someone close to you (my inbox is always open and I will always listen – but please bear in mind that I don’t have medical knowledge and can only advise you based on my own experiences). At the same time as beng prescribed Sertraline, I was put on the waiting list for ‘Step 3 High-Intensity Counselling’, basically a talking therapy that explores your childhood and past experiences to help understand where your continuing feelings of depression might come from. The first few weeks of Sertraline were difficult but bearable, mainly anxiety and physical symptoms like twitching and leg restlessness that interrupted my sleep. I also experienced one of the rarer side effects – urticaria (which is a fancy way of saying I got really rashy and hivesy). Although my GP didn’t mention these side effects, I know that they’re pretty common and if you’re worried about any of them when you go on an SSRI I would definitely contact your GP to make sure all is well. The Sertraline was excellent for the following months and the course of therapy had helped me figure so much out. It was the reason I started this blog, started to feel that I could be more open about my mental and physical health and start to find my own boundaries when it came to relationships. The side effects did, however, catch up with me and these were the ones I couldn’t deal with. THE DREAMS. Up until I started these meds I had the most pleasantly dull dreams imaginable. Then along came these chemicals that made me have the most vivid, bizarre, twisted scenarios play out in my head every night. At first, I kind of found it funny - I would write them down on my phone and almost weirdly look forward to what I would dream about. But they turned from surreal and harmless to disturbing and triggering within a few months and I felt they were actually quite detrimental to my mental health. I became anxious about falling asleep and I would dream so deeply that I never felt I had properly woken up. Reality and dreams became blurred together in my memories and I sometimes felt as if I was losing my mind, unable to establish events that had actually happened from what was happening in my head when I slept.

Another significant side effect was the loss of human connection I felt. This is a weird one, and again a feeling I initially enjoyed as I’ve always been deeply empathetic and felt other people’s feelings almost to the point of discomfort. With Sertraline it honestly felt like a switch had been flipped and I could be the ‘rational’ person I thought I’d always wanted to be (contrary to now where I feel rationality has absolutely little value to me lolol). I enjoyed that feeling for a while. Having always been a deeply emotional person, I felt like I needed a break from myself – my overthinking, over loving, over everything – and again, Sertraline provided that. I threw myself into university work and absolutely adored it. I dated someone and was able to stay distant, think sensibly about what I wanted from the relationship and end it when there were red flags.

All in all, Sertraline gave me A LOT. It gave me better mood stability and the ability to get up and go most mornings. Coupled with therapy it allowed me to do the most imporant thing - forgive myself for feeling so hopeless. The part of me that felt extreme guilt, that I was a burden and that no matter what I was just not good enough quietened down and allowed me to live my life.

It’s still strange to me that depression is considered only a mental health problem when the symptoms are often so physical - not sleeping, not eating right, no energy, no ability to socialise or connect with others. The body and mind are intrinsically connected and that's something we can't forget when discussing mental health. SSRI’s can really help with the physical effects and in turn the mental ones, but it’s important to check in with yourself and establish the pro’s and the con’s on a regular basis. It’s also important that you don’t believe the hype around them (the media love to trash them, doctors love to think they fix it all) - and make a choice based on you as an individual.

 The feelings that come with depression - hopelessness, low self-esteem, an urge to harm ourselves - can directly leak into the formation of relationships and the day to day of our lives and it’s important to keep a check on that and be able to speak openly how you’re feeling openly. It is difficult but imperative to your happiness. If you don't vent the bad it can be impossible to appreciate the good.

I realise none of this has been very profound but I simply wanted it to be a non-intimidating piece on anti-depressants. I went to a mental health awareness course last week where we endlessly discussed medication, psychiatry, counselling and everything in between. After a lot of talk on pills, therapy, etc, the resounding opinion was that honesty and empathy with yourself and others is a very important part of the healing proccess. Sometimes it's not the medical professional, or a pill or a therapist that makes the difference. Sometimes it's just the person who says I believe you and I'm here. And we can all be that person.

its funny how ryan pronounced destiel And castiels name.. what a silly guy he is….

i love christmas!!!! the cold weather, warming up with hot cocoa, cute outfits, fuzzy blankets and socks, scarfs!!!!!!!, christmas music?? i love christmas music., also snow <333, DECORATING THE TREE!!!!, buying your friends presents, pretty town squares lit up and decorated, downtown bustling with people all bundled up and having their own lives, christmas movies (yes even the bad hallmark ones), just. i love christmas.

little death by the beths is my current fav song. like.. its constantly stuck in my head bro. its also so fucking pretty??? the beths only put out bangers, but that one in particular just scratches my brain so well

you get a badge for being a yapper ????

i have too many tumblr accounts.. this was my third try trying to log into this account because i kept logging into the wrong accounts....

i fucking need glasses its becoming a problem lmao 😭😭

i hate riding a public school bus with autism lol!

HELLO MY SILLY LITTLE LIKE FOUR TUMBLR FOLLOWERS!!! I JUST GOT A NEW PR IN ARCHERY!!!!!!