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badacts · 6 years

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more kid Kevin au? maybe the first day when Neil had Kevin's custody? Scarry thing to sign those papers, maybe he's insecure that he and Andrew aren't going to last, it's a really big step and they didn't even talk about it, it just happened, baby Kevin clinging to Andrew's shirt when he has to take a break from all of this responsibility. idk bee just break my heart in tiny million pieces. ily

hahahahaAHHAHAHAHAHAH

When it comes to dealing with death and its fallout, Andrew and Neil are far better adapted than most.

This isn’t like anything else though. Not even close.

When Kayleigh asked Neil to be Kevin’s guardian if anything happened to her, she’d been clever about it. She waited until he’d spent enough time with Kevin for it to be more of a question of whether he was willing to take on Kevin, his friend’s child, instead of a child he had never met when he knew nothing about children.

He and Andrew had talked it over carefully, but it was never anything more than hypothetical. Kayleigh was young, fit and healthy, barely older than Neil and vivaciously full of life. The issue of guardianship was just a matter of loose ends, and making sure that Kevin would always be safe.

Was is the operative word.

The first day is the hardest. They don’t have any of Kevin’s things. Kevin won’t stop crying, frightened in an unfamiliar place without his mother. Neil is shell-shocked, reeling with his new reality - Kayleigh, dead. Her child, in every way her male miniature, here with them for good.

Without Andrew he would be lost. He’s always been better with kids, a natural where Neil fumbles. He stays with Kevin while Neil drives to Kayleigh’s apartment and tries to figure out what Kevin needs. He puts Kevin down for the night. He also gets up with Neil when Kevin wakes, blinking sleep away, despite the fact that Neil was awake anyway.

It’s his inconsolable crying that makes Neil’s hands shake. Not the fact that he’s committed to a tiny human being now until that human hits eighteen at least, but the fact that he can’t explain anything to this defenceless baby who is just confused and afraid and yet too young to grieve.

Neil doesn’t wear uncertainty well. He’s gotten unused to feeling like this. More fool him - he should have learned by now that when he gets complacent, life has a way of correcting him.

Andrew, who doesn’t even seem to know the meaning of the word ‘uncertain’, steps in just like he always does.

For the first week, Neil keeps trying to work as well, in part because he knows Kayleigh would never have forgiven him for getting slack over her. It doesn’t work not because of Neil’s mindset - he’s a master of compartmentalisation - but because he’s sleeping maybe two hours a night between Kevin’s late-night crying jaunts and his own insomnia.

His head coach pulls him aside on the fourth day. “Josten, I mean this is in the nicest possible way, but you’re banned from this court until the lead-up to the Seattle game.”

“That’s at least two weeks,” Neil replies. It’s meant to be an exclamation, but he honestly doesn’t have the energy for it.

“I’m aware of that.” Steinham crosses his arms. “I have a vested interest in making sure my top scorer can throw in a straight line for that game.”

“There’s another game before that.”

“If we can’t beat the Panthers with you on the bench you should probably get your agent to find you a better team,” Steinham says. “Josten. Neil. I remember what having a baby is like, and that was without…look. Just take the time and run with it. Your partner will be grateful.”

Neil opens his mouth for another robotic reply, then closes it, nods, and leaves.

He probably shouldn’t be on the road, because when he pulls into his space in their parking lot he has no memory of the trip at all. He even takes the elevator up to their floor.

The first thing he notices when he walks inside the apartment is how quiet it is. There’s a half-unpacked grocery bag on the kitchen bench, and a cupboard hanging open. Andrew’s phone is lying beside it. His wallet and keys aren’t in their usual place.

The absence of crying is more than startling - it’s actually frightening. Or maybe Neil’s bar is just low right now.

Neil goes for the spare bedroom first, where Kevin’s crib is set up. He can’t quite explain why his heart is in his throat. The first sight of Kevin sprawled on his back with his tiny fists curled up isn’t enough to soothe him - he leans closer and watches the sleep-slow bob of his chest until he can breathe a bit easier himself.

The baby is fine. Neil closes the door soundlessly behind him and goes to the balcony, which is empty. So is his head, until he pushes into their room and sees Andrew lying on the bed.

He’s still wearing his coat. His keys are beside him on the mattress. With his eyes closed the dark circles carved into his face are more than obvious, cutting down into his cheeks. He looks exhausted.

Neil’s heart, done pounding, shivers somewhere in the bottom of his stomach.

When he leaves the room he takes the baby monitor off of the dresser on the way past and closes the door behind him. The part of him that wants to lie down too is ruthlessly shut down by the idea that…where he has been, anyway? Playing a sport?

He puts away the groceries, then steps out onto the balcony with the monitor in his pocket. There’s a packet of cigarettes and a lighter lying on the table, but Neil’s first thought when he looks at them is that he’ll have to put them away so Kevin can’t get into them. Sacrifice. Something like that.

He rests his crossed forearms on the metal of the handrail, then drops his forehead on them.

He’s not sure how long it’s been when he hears Kevin stir through the monitor and start to make unhappy noises. He slips back inside and goes to him before he can get louder, and finds him standing up in his crib on wobbly legs and sniffling.

Kayleigh emailed Neil a picture of Kevin pushing himself up on the couch to stand for the first time barely weeks ago. Now she’s going to miss him taking his first steps, and everything else-

Kevin reaches a hand to Neil, lower lip quivering. Neil sweeps him up and curls him into his arms before that can progress to wailing.

Neil’s sympathy has never been anything to write home about. His self-pity is much more remarkable. That and the way Kevin clings to him is enough to make his eyes burn. He closes them and rocks in the sway which is already becoming second nature, swallowing.

A familiar hand clenches tight about the back of his neck and stays there.

After a moment, Neil says, “You should have kept sleeping.” His voice sounds rough, but it doesn’t crack.

The hand squeezes tight and then releases. Andrew doesn’t say anything, but Neil is helpless to do anything but follow him when he leaves the room.

“I’m staying,” he bursts out halfway into the living room, coming to a stop. “For a couple of weeks.”

Andrew drops onto the couch and looks at him. “Alright.”

“I should have stayed,” Neil says. “I told you I wouldn’t run.”

That was so long ago now that it’s fogged in Neil’s memory, the way even the strongest good memories do where bad memories are always crystal clear. It had nothing to do with Kevin, nothing to do with anything except the two of them and the shadow of Neil’s long-dead father.

“You aren’t running,” Andrew replies. He still looks tired, but there’s an animation to his face that fills the hollows of his cheeks, turns him regularly implacable.

Kevin wriggles in a request to be put down, and then crawls for the pile of toys Neil threw onto the area rug Allison gave them when they moved here because ‘a nice apartment demands nice furniture, boys’. Neil watches him, for a moment exactly like the baby he knew who visited instead of lived here, and swallows.

When he looks up, Andrew is still watching him. “You’re not going anywhere. None of us is.”

Neil would like to say that Andrew seeing to the heart of whatever Neil is feeling and saying it out loud before Neil can recognise it in himself is a recent thing, but it’s always been the case.

It’s not a promise. It’s not faith. It’s realism, based on probability. Neil guesses even they can only get so unlucky.

#the foxhole court #andreil #kid kevin au #my fic #minor character death #Anonymous #andrew doesn't lose his shit until like a month later #because being in a couple means taking turns for emotional breakdowns where possible #kid kevin verse

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mattiehawkins · 7 years

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All of the questions😎😎

I have a feeling that, because all these questions are quite complex I won’t be able to give massively satisfying answers. But I’ll do my best, and this is just for fun, and to have a little look at how I’m feeling right now…

(Also all of them?????? Megan, really???? jkjk ily babe x)

(This did take me an exceedingly long time though… I think I overthought it…)

1. what album do you feel best describes your mood

My mood right now? That’s difficult…

I don’t think I can give an answer that fully satisfies myself for this question - but it’s somewhere around Wild World by Bastille, maybe?

(Idk, feelings are hard to interpret and express sometimes.)

2. if your name had to be a song title which song would it be

Arabella - Arctic Monkeys

3. what is your go to sad song when you need to cry

Me & Magdelena by The Monkees (although, it isn’t necessarily sad, but it almost always makes me cry) and sometimes, when I’m a special type of sad, Thought I Was A Spaceman by Blur.

4. what band would you want as the rest of your superhero team

Gorillaz, mainly just because Noodle could survive the apocalypse, and that’s the kind of power any superhero team needs.

5. if you had to live in the world of an album which one would it be and why

This for me is a really hard question; it’s difficult to choose an album when so many albums that have a theme and build a world aren’t the nicest places to live (or at least the ones I listen to).

My first thought was MEKAKUCITYDAYS by Jin, but even though I love the Kagerou Project and always will, those kids have gone through a lot and I don’t want that.

So then I thought of Modern Life Is Rubbish and Parklife by Blur, but my life wouldn’t really change that much, other than living in a slightly more idealistic London.

So I’ll settle on those, I suppose…

(Unless film soundtracks count, in which case I firmly choose How to Train Your Dragon, give me a dragon, please!)

6. what song best describes the person you think your soulmate would be

I really don’t know… (It doesn’t help that I don’t listen to a lot of overly romantic love songs.)

7. create a poem out of song titles

(Can I only use song titles? Okay, I’m gonna do this my way - Capitalised is a title, lowercase is just linking words)

This Town Called Malice, where The Beautiful Ones and The Drowners live,

I Walk The Line along The Edge Of Heaven.

I Broadcast my thoughts, Go Out, walk this Lonesome Street,

In The Heat Of The Moment, clutching my Heart Of Glass.

Strange Birds on a Cliff’s Edge,

Wild & Free, flying on Wings like Icarus towards the Crystal Sky,

and Strange News From Another Star.

Snap Out Of It, we’re all just an Echo, a Lost Boy, Nomads, the Last Living Souls.

Run Away With Me, Sweet Young Thing,

You & Me could have the Adventure Of A Lifetime.

(artists in order: The Jam, Suede, Suede, Halsey, Wham!, Blur, Blur, Blur, Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds, Blondie, Birdy, Hayley Kiyoko, Lena, Birdy, Lena, Blur, Arctic Monkeys, AmaLee, Ruth B, Highs, Gorillaz, Carly Rae Jepsen, The Monkees, Damon Albarn, Coldplay.)

I’m actually pretty proud of that.

8. which album art would you get tattooed

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh, I don’t really know! That’s a big commitment, and I’d have to love the album so so much, and the cover would have to be pretty, and be a good tattoo.

I guess AM by Arctic Monkeys, or The Magic Whip by Blur.

9. is there a song that you feel could have been written about you

Sleepsong by Bastille.

(And at times, Tell It Like It Is by Graham Coxon.)

But also! Other really happy songs! (I can’t think of any right now, and I just want this done tbh.)

10. if you could only speak in the song lyrics of one artist who would it be

Oh man, that’s a Commitment™

I guess Damon Albarn, because then I get his solo stuff, Gorillaz, and Blur, so that’s a fairly wide range.

11. if you could have your favorite artist sing one of their songs to you which song would it be

I’d 100% have to choose Gorillaz, because as far as bands go, they were literally my first love - the first band I listened to every recording of every song of theirs I could get my hands on; the first band that I listened to the discography of all the time, for month-long stretches playing the same album; the first band that I went out and bought the music of myself, without being given it or my mum paying for it; they were the first band that for me the music was bigger than just a few catchy singles by some people I was aware of, but didn’t actively want to know more about. And they still, after all these years, make me feel the same strength of emotions as that very first time I saw the video for On Melancholy Hill on the Top 40.

So Gorillaz, but that brings me onto the question: what song?

My favourite Gorillaz song is probably Empire Ants, but would that be the one I’d most want to have performed to me? I guess I could ask for a track from the new album, but if I didn’t like it as much as Empire Ants, I might regret it. But I really love how Hong Kong sounds performed live, so maybe that? Or Don’t Get Lost In Heaven? Dirty Harry?

12. describe where you want to be in ten years with a song title

This is so difficult!

The Scientist - Coldplay

13. which song would be the national anthem of your country if you ruled one

Oh man, I have no idea. But White Flag seems by Gorillaz seems at least somewhat appropriate, and I swear I can never tire of Kano’s voice.

(Also I’m getting tired now, and this is the last question left to answer and this is all I can think of #LetMeLive)

14. what is your go to happy song when you need to feel better

On of the really poppy singles by the Spice Girls, or Alright by Supergrass.

Also, on occassion, I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor by Arctic Monkeys.

15. is there an album that feels like a friend to you

A couple, but other than Headquarters by The Monkees, listing the others here feels a little uncomfortable… It feels like kind of a private question, idk

16. what is the album that you always blast too loud

Gorillaz, Demon Days, Plastic Beach - Gorillaz

(What’s The Story) Morning Glory? - Oasis

Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not - Arctic Monkeys

17. which album do you always listen to with headphones

This Is Hardcore - Pulp

Queen of the Clouds - Tove Lo

Art Angels - Grimes

18. what song are you unable to resist dancing to

so very many - if I love a song, no matter where I am, I’m always moving about (I’m terrible to go shopping with because I have a terrible habit of dancing subtly/singing quitely if a song I love comes on)

But I guess I should list a few (this is in no way the entire list):

Alright - Supergrass

I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor - Arctic Monkeys

Dolly Dagger - Jimi Hendrix

19. what song do you always have to sing along to

see above

But here’s a few:

Don’t Look Back In Anger - Oasis

Fluorescent Adolescent - Arctic Monkeys

Daydream Believer - The Monkees

20. what song do feel would be a beautiful painting

This Side of Paradise - Hayley Kiyoko

21. what album do you wish you could unhear and discover again

I don’t know? There’s definitely albums I wish I could’ve had better appreciation for when they had just come out, but I’m not sure which I wish I could just experience all over again.

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, maybe? Possibly a Blur album from Modern Life Is Rubbish, Parklife, Blur, 13, or The Magic Whip? Or a Gorillaz album?

I really honestly don’t know.

22. which album do you want to be the soundtrack to your life

Bad Blood - Bastille is very likely my soundtrack, it has a good range of themes which I have encountered, or likely will in the future.

23. which band would you want to be your family

I don’t think I’d want any band as my family?

24. what song do you think of in association with beauty

Quite a few, but none that spring to mind immediately? (Other than that one by James Blunt, which I heard on a TV show the other day.)

25. what song do you think of in association with pain

Very many, but possibly To Binge by Gorillaz has the strongest association.

26. what lyrics do you feel were written especially for you

I’m just going to pass this one, I don’t have the time, and it could be kind of personal.

27. what lyrics do you want to doodle on every piece of paper

Oh man, so many, I have a list. But the one that springs to mind is: “All of which makes me anxious, at times unbearably so.”

28. what music do you listen to at 3 am

Very soft music - I clear my mind and just let it wash over and through me.

29. pick three albums to take with you into the afterlife

Another Commitment (this is why I could never go on Desert Island Discs).

I’m going to just plunge myself in the deep end for this question, and just pick three that right now I’m feeling I would need:

Demon Days - Gorillaz

Make It Big - Wham!

(What’s The Story) Morning Glory? - Oasis

(I can 110% assuredly tell you that I’ll be kicking myself over my choice in like 3 hours thinking “This album! You idiot! How did you possibly think you could survive without this album!”)

30. what is music to you in one word

hope

#about me #this took so bloody long rip me

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