#hes sticking to the fact that it was coerced. there is no way goro would ever kill someone if he wasnt forced to! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thepancakeboi · 3 years

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63. “Is this how little you think of me?”

Note: spoilers for today’s (2/2) ingame date in Persona 5 Royal, including final palace details. Especially under the cut.

“I will carve my own path for myself.”

Why do I have to be telling Ren this? Well, when I had decided to come to Leblanc the evening before our deadline, I had expected a calm evening with Ren going over the plan for tomorrow, probably with some coffee. Or maybe we’d go somewhere else. The jazz club comes to mind, or even Penguin Sniper for darts or billiards.

What I hadn’t anticipated was for Ren to be in the middle of a conversation with our target upon my arrival.

I had to speak with Ren immediately before he did something foolish. Sure, the calling card had been given and the plan’s in motion, but I can still see the hesitance in his face. All this time, he had been as steadfast as the rest of us in breaking free from this fake mirage. He had been the one person who had seemed unaffected and knew something was amiss.

Until now, that is.

To hear Maruki confirm my suspicions, that I could be dead in the real world and that Ren’s wish is to “have a fresh start” with me...it’s exasperating. This is nothing more than a setback. Can’t Ren see that this is a trap meant to coerce him to Maruki’s side?

When Ren doesn’t say anything to my words, I continue to assert my position on the matter. “I refuse to accept a reality concocted by someone else, stuck under their control for the rest of my days.”

Ren finally speaks up, sounding distraught as he says, “But then, you’ll...”

Die. I know. It’s better than the alternative: living a life without agency. “So what? That’s the path I chose.” It’s simple. I would rather be dead than controlled again. Once was enough. “All you have to do is stick to your guns and challenge Maruki. Or are you really so spineless that you’d fold over some bullshit, trivial threat on my life?”

He looks stunned that I’d talk so callously about my own life as if it doesn’t matter. Frankly, it doesn’t matter. If I can’t live my life the way I want, then it’s simply not worth living. “Trivi-Goro, this isn’t small potatoes!”

“It is!” I snap, looking away from him. My life is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It would probably be better if I wasn’t around. I’ve caused enough misery to everyone who was unfortunate enough to meet me in these eighteen years, yet here’s Ren being decidedly stubborn about it. He’s the only reason I’m still alive, even though my disappearance from this reality would be better for everyone else. I clearly don’t deserve this blissful happiness, but Ren thinks otherwise. And it’s infuriating. “Do you really think I’d be happy with this? Being shown mercy now, of all times? I don’t want to be pitied.”

“I’m not-”

“This isn’t something I’m debating with you!”

“Goro...?” Ren hesitantly asks as I shift my gaze to the ground. “Please-”

“Your indecisiveness on the matter is essentially a betrayal of my wishes.”

“I...I’m not...”

I look back up at Ren as he trails off, unable to answer. I’m going to have to press him for one, it seems. If he won’t give me an answer by himself, then I’ll just have to pry it from him. “I want to hear you say it aloud. What do you intend to do?”

After a few seconds of agonizing silence, he finally responds, “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“I don’t know what I should do.”

I scoff. “You really are that spineless, aren’t you?”

“No!” The only reason I don’t interrupt him is that he looks completely vulnerable right now. “It’s just...Maruki was right. When I thought you had died in...his Palace, I...wasn’t okay. After we stole the treasure, I just wanted to sleep. Everything hurt. I couldn’t stop when we had to defeat Yaldabaoth, but...I wanted to stop. I had to force myself to keep moving. And now that I have you back...I can’t bear the thought of losing you again.”

This is not good if Ren is admitting all of this to me. He’s not the type to tell others about his problems as he doesn’t want to burden his friends. I know how that is, being the same way myself around everyone except him. It’s the only reason I know that about him; it’s yet another similarity between us. The fact that he is sharing this information now...worries me. It means he might be seriously considering Maruki’s offer. I refuse to be the reason Ren falters, after everything we’ve done. We’ve come so far that folding now over something as worthless as my own life would be inane. “Is this how little you think of me? If you truly cared, you wouldn’t even consider accepting Maruki’s offer.”

“I do care!”

“Then why the hesitation? How can you possibly be so indecisive when the answer should be so blatantly obvious?”

“I love you.” Well, that unexpected confession stuns me into silence. Part of me is wondering why he would ever love someone like me, someone who is undeserving of anyone’s love, let alone his. At the same time, I’m hopeful that it’s true. Wait, no. This isn’t the time nor the place for these thoughts. All this could ever be is detrimental, a temptation that I’m afraid Ren can’t resist. “You’re not like the others. Everyone else just sees what they want to see. I can’t be myself around them, so I just wear a mask and show them what they believe I am. You’re the only one who understands me and accepts me for who I really am.”

“Ren, you’re in love with a fake version of me living in some sweet fairytale kingdom full of false happiness.”

“That’s not true,” he immediately refutes. “I love you for you, Goro, flaws and all. I don’t want to give up on you, but if I go back to reality, I...I can’t let you go.”

I jolt as he tightly embraces me as if he’ll lose me as soon as he lets go. He can’t be doing this. It’s only going to make my possible death much more painful. I shove him off of me. “Don’t you get it, Ren? You can’t save me.”

“At least let me try. Maruki’s not evil. He just wants to make everyone happy. Is that really so bad?”

“What the hell’s gotten into you!? He’s the same as Shido!” I snarl. It takes immense mental restraint to stop myself from lashing out at Ren. “His intentions may seem ‘pure’ to you, but a gilded cage is still a prison. He wants to take control of the world and everyone’s lives. And I don’t want to be controlled again.”

“I...”

I’ve had enough of his indecisiveness. He has to make a choice now before he becomes too bogged down by the “what ifs” to decide. “What do you intend to do?” I ask him again. “I won’t wait a moment longer. Answer me.”

“I’m...I’m sorry. We’re taking his offer.”

I stare at him in disbelief, not believing what I’m hearing. Sure, I knew it was possible that he would take Maruki’s offer after what we have learned tonight, but I had been denying that he would be so foolishly sentimental. “Are you serious?”

“I am.”

I search his expression, shocked to find that he’s...he’s actually being serious. He fully intends to accept Maruki’s reality as the truth. And it doesn’t seem like he’ll change his mind. He’s...going against my wishes. I’ve dealt with backstabbing and insincere people in the past, but this? Being betrayed by the one person I’ve come to trust...it hurts. It hurts so much. I’d rather Ren just stab me in the heart with a rusty, serrated knife and let me bleed out. I sigh, not even bothering to keep up false pretenses regarding my feelings. “...Well, I have your answer.”

“Goro-”

I slap Ren’s reaching hand away, turning my back to him so that he doesn’t see the tears starting to form of their own volition. It pisses me off that I can’t even fight against him. His friends don’t have the backbone to refuse him if Morgana’s earlier comment of leaving the decision to Ren is any indication. And, despite my own strength, I know I’m not capable of bringing down Maruki on my own. The only thing I can do now is to accept Ren’s decision. I want him to be happy, I do. Even so, I’m furious with him and his choice. At this moment, I don’t want to see his face ever again. Not that it’ll matter. Starting tomorrow, I won’t have a choice. I’ll be nothing more than a puppet, stuck under another’s whims with no chance to escape. “There’s nothing left I can say. Our deal’s off.”

I stop with my hand on the door. I expect Ren to try and say something, attempting to convince me he’s doing what he thinks is best. Instead, there’s only silence. I turn my head to stare him down. His steadfast, stubborn determination is what pushes me over the edge. If he’s going to hurt me like this, then I have no regrets about driving my own metaphorical knife through his treacherous heart. I won’t get another chance to be myself, so I might as well make the most of it. “I hope you’re happy, Ren. Happy you’re living a lie that you know is wrong. I want you to remember that you’re forcing me into a situation that I don’t desire. I’ve explicitly told you that I refuse to be controlled by another, and what do you do? You stab me in the back with your betrayal because you say you love me. You may call it love, but you don’t love me at all, do you?”

I don’t give him a chance to respond, to deny my accusation and claim that he loves me with all his heart. I’m already out the door, tears streaming down my face as I try to get as far away from Yongen-Jaya as I can. I ignore the door slamming open, Ren desperately calling out to me as he tries to follow. He isn’t able to keep up, and I manage to lose him in the night crowd. There’s no destination in mind. I just want away from here, away from him for whatever length of time I have left before I’m no longer me.

Leaving Leblanc, and Ren, tonight...is the last action I will ever take with my own free will.

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