A year ago.

My phone suggested a photo of when I was in Raleigh and I had to go look through my album because I looked pretty good and was that before my foot got fucked up? Was that before the infection? And I kept looking and looking, all the way back to Georgia and then all the way to my hospitalization and to my drive back to Iowa. And I was just struggling that entire time. I was not keeping it together. The few walks I managed felt like they wrecked me. And then I started shaking a bit and crying. I don’t know how I survived all that. And with all the time and exercise and medication

I’m still struggling.

My mom has extra bonus cancer. She’s already on the treatment that might treat the new cancer so at least no more chemo or radiation for now.

I want to see my mom. But I know when I was in GA right in her house for 6 months I barely saw her and when she was here for the memorial and I spent every second I could with her I barely saw her. It’s the nature of our mother daughter relationship. So I called her today and that went okay. We mostly only had medical stories for each other. She’s not doing great and there is an appointment at the beginning of October that she feels like will be bad news. Idk man it’s all been pretty bad news.

Apparently everyone in the state is in line for a colonoscopy based on how tricky it has been to schedule one. When I started my healthcare journey last year I had this long list of procedures and tasks to complete and I didn’t know how to do any of it but I slowly chipped away at it by looking at my healthcare websites and calling and calling different offices. I have no idea if I did it the “proper” way but I got almost all of it done. As the year was ending I confessed to my PCP that I couldn’t figure out how to schedule my colonoscopy. And she told me “oh I have to do a referral and it will take awhile to schedule that.” It did take awhile. Well over a month to get a call from the scheduler, which I missed.

I’m calling every 15 minutes. Yesterday I went to the bathroom and missed the scheduler’s second call. I know it will get scheduled and this is like the least stressful thing I’m handling.

This is me giving myself a reward sticker. The twilight sleep will be reward enough though.

My mom leaves at 6am tomorrow. We don’t really talk much. I sat with her as much as I could. I don’t know what else to do. Even if I wasn’t destitute and didn’t have a bunch of health issues of my own now I know that going to Georgia to be with her is a bad idea. I did that already. Today we marathoned Dirty Laundry and laughed together a little. She wants me to order something from Amazon as a present for myself. I don’t know it’s just how we are.

I already have my resolutions locked down. I wanna feel good next year.

I feel almost okay today, I mean, my bar is super low. My misery, like sexuality, is a spectrum. But almost okay is pretty big for this fucking year.

I think it is because there is almost a plan. My surgery is likely going to be on the 9th of December. I should know by Monday. I think there might be time to get most of the medical things done by the end of the year. My blood sugar readings have been bonkers but I’m hoping that’s because I’m on antibiotics. I’ve been able to manage it with some quick thinking meal adjustments. I have more delicious cinnamon sunset tea. I had enough energy to make a nice dinner. Even after going to my appointment maybe because of it? I really need to feel better next year so I can go out and get some actual social interaction but I honestly loved talking to all my nurses about their holiday plans and their families. I even showed one of my frequent nurses a picture of Fafner after she showed me her adorable pup. My brain cannot accept that tomorrow is thanksgiving. How the heck can that possibly be true?

We are having a memorial for Uncleducey at the end of June almost the year anniversary of him dying and me being hospitalized. Gonna be a real banger. Murble and I joked we should reenact what we were going through a year ago, me in the boot her recovering from chemo (my mom undergoing chemo and radiation, auntpretty1 struggling with like sanity I guess). I still don’t feel much of anything. Not even much relief which I very much would like to feel. It will be nice to see my mom and auntabides and uncleCiP. I don’t think my brother will be here because of a job he’s probably taking for the summer.

I’m getting rid of most of my shoes. I’m not going to risk anything that might injure me. I was always pretty fucking sensible about shoes so I find this all ridiculous and mildly insulting. But I’m going to give auntabides first dibs on my shoes before I donate or sell them. I have some gd lovely shoes. I’ve been digging through all my packed belongings in the attic and basement the past few days. That’s what I’ve been doing with my little bit of energy.

I’m pricing local party buses because the memorial is in another town and we are a big group that definitely shouldn’t be driving. Most old, all tired, and some will be under various influences. So far the prices are too high. About to message one of the companies if there is any wiggle room on the price like “what if this is absolutely not a party? Or is there an extra fee for that?”

Might cry about the sofa futon today. Might draw and make a gif about the sofa futon today. Gosh, the options are limitless.

Photography really can’t capture this outfit.

Tumultuous day with a 4am start. Puppycamp for Fafner and a movie and a doctor’s appointment for me and then a sleepover at dad’s.

What a weird dark single thing to heart.

The despair is HEAVY today. I didn’t get any of my watercolor project done but I made another medical appointment and requested drugs and went through my financial stuff for last year in an attempt to prep for my phone meeting tomorrow to see if I can get help with food. The dizziness lessened a little after lunch, do I need to constantly eat cheeseburgers to minimize my vapors? I finished one load of laundry, changed the linens and cleaned my body. This is so much stuff for me now. And had a lot of little crying jags. I worked so hard last year to try to have something for myself and I was still insanely under the poverty line and it was the last straw for my body. I’ve just been trying to get out of this hole for most of my adult life so maybe I would have a chance but everything is gone and the hole is just deeper plus I’m much weaker and dizzy all the time and I have to take life giving medications 4 times a day.

My mom’s brain scan showed good results for the radiation. She has another scan at the end of the month to check on the last round of chemo.

It’s been 0 days since my last crying event but I went so many days without crying! I kept meaning to make note of that. Wtg me! There were just several events this morning that made me too nervous to not let some of it out.