inspired by some discord meme shenangians

That’s the moment I wish it could wait a little longer ‘cause it’s over now. Well, so many things ended in a couple of days, am I right? But I’m gonna focus the day I went to my second Ed Sheeran’s concert. May 28th, 2017. That’s the date I’m gonna keep for my entire life and hold deeply in my heart ‘cause it will become now just a memory and everytime I miss it I’m gonna have to deal with it myself and remember the good memories, also the bad things, but off course that it actually happened. I gotta say this concert was way special to me than the first one. The reason why I claim this it’s because I enjoyed so much more than the other. I knew a little bit of Ed Sheeran in the first one ‘cause my friend James introduced me to his music in 2014 when we also met in another concert. I fell in love with Ed Sheeran so freaking fast, his voice, lyrics and the vibes of his music in general. I remember I first loved this one “Wayfaring Stranger”. The vocals are unbelieveable; all I gotta say I really need to hear that song live at least once in life haha. My favorite song of all the others is “One Night”, I won’t ever forget the first time I listened to it, like a first listened hah. But both are from his EPs so I don’t think he’ll ever sing it in a concert, but that’s fine. Me & my friend James went to the Guarulhos airport to make a chance to see Ed arriving from Rio in the afternoon or at night, but we didn’t see him. We still don’t know if he came to Guarulhos or Congonhas, or by car. Seriously, the fans from here are the worst, but it was so fucking awesome being there waiting for someone so we can give him love. It’s cliche or not, but I don’t care all I was thinking about was him getting there finally. Meanwhile I got to talk to someone for another country I don’t remember now, she was asking for help. It’s so sad I see so many people needing help to study, have a place to stay or even helping other people from their countries, I mean, how the world got so messed up in a way people need to go to airports to ask this kind of help?! I said God will bless you. 4 people came to ask us for help. I hope God help them in the best way they deserve it. I said to her we were just waiting for a British singer who was supposed to land there, she asked who, I said Ed Sheeran, she asked again, which kind of music does he play?! hahah I said a little bit of rap, but most of all love songs. She said it was not the kinda music she enjoys it. We laugh. I won’t forget it. After that the hours were passing very fast when we decided to smoke outside where we were. We found a place in the parking lot very fast from anyone or anything. I got high listening to the kind music we love. That’s one of the best things I love about James, he knows me, he got my taste in music better than anyone I have ever met. This is awesome. He said: “You gotta listen to a really strong music while you’re high, pick one.” I chose “In My Place” by Coldplay. I felt everything more intense and was just thinking about kissing the lips of one person I really like, it was awesome, but suddenly this thought changed into a family arguing. I opened my eyes and felt so weird, I wish the first thought was true, so many times I imagine that, I feel like an idiot. We had such a great time together on that airport. I listened to an airplane and got a bit scared but I didn’t find it. I don’t know if it was real. Anyways, I showed him a letter I have with me for over a month, he said “You’re so in love” so funny! We got some rest and woke up to leave the airport to go to Ed Sheeran’s concert line. As soon as we got at Barra Funda, we got into a supermarket to charge his phone, I didn’t charge mine ‘cause in some way I was upset with this person I like, I was hoping her to appear at the airport someway somehow, I knew she was not going, but our hearts make this to ourselves, it would be an awesome way to show me how much she wanted me, but remembering the fact we “broke up” whenever was what we had in the day after, I guess it was just an illusion. A good one I say. I don’t know why but I don’t feel any regret, just to say stuff without thinking hurting her feelings, but moving on... We ate there and went to the line, we met a few people. I found money on the floor for the first time ever hahah. We got in the place, Allianz Parque and waited the concert sitting there. I slept a few times on his arms. I love him so much! Such a lovely person to me like no one ever was before. I don’t deserve it, Ed Sheeran says, hahhah. What an amazing concert, I cannot wait for him to come back. It’s been such a great year for someone like me, a real fan. A real music lover. My love life is a mess, but at least I’ve got music, right?! Ed Sheeran’s a great musician and singer, all I wanted was him to sing “Afire Love” or “Barcelona”, but it was incredible the same way. After the concert we ate again and waited for some hours to go home. We were so fucking tired at the end of the night, but it was so worth it, I’ll do it again and again without thinking, ‘cause I love these kind of things. I mean, John Mayer’s coming back to Brazil since 2013, I’m already thinking ‘bout all the things I’m gonna do, the beautiful things I’m gonna live. I think this one all by myself, but I’m an independent person, at least trying to be. I thank God always for everything I’m living, for everything! Ed, never stop doing what you love, what we love you doing. I love music as much as you. I thank James for being there with me. While Ed was playing “Photograph” James hugged me and said: “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you”. I cried so fucking much. I was already crying with Ed, he said that to me and it make me glow hard. Thank you, babe, for being an amazing friend to someone like me. I’m always gonna love you! 

“I've been looking for a lover, thought I'd find her in a bottle. God make me another one. I'll be feeling this tomorrow. Lord, forgive for the things I've done I was never meant to hurt no one I saw scars upon a broken hearted lover..”

- A 

things i have learned delivering pizza

i’ve been a pizza delivery driver for about a week now and let me tell u it is both a surreal job and also far better than any other fast food job i ever did

-you will either hate rich people or love them. there is no middle ground. they either give you insane fucking tips (i’ve had several tips where it was like 6-10 dollars on like 30 dollar orders) or they will give you absolute garbage (2-3 dollars on an order that ranges from 20-40 dollars).

-you thought you got lost in suburbia before? you knew nothing. sometimes not even your gps can save you.

-i have formed a strange bond with every other pizza delivery person i see on the road. if they’re from my company, i give them a nod and i kinda wanna flash my lights and honk excitedly (SAME PIZZA! SAME PIZZA!). if they’re from a different company, i have to resist the urge to get into a physical fist fight with them.

-this has lead to me mocking other companies in my car loudly. YEAH LETS GO DOMINOS ILL FUCKIN FIGHT U U WANNA GO PAPA JOHNS I’LL KICK UR ASS.

-i have never seen a pizza hut delivery car. i know pizza hut exists here. yet they seem to be a myth. terrifying.

-you will listen to the same pop song over and over. and over. and over. and over. it’s reached a point now where i flip through my presets and have to find the one i hate the least or at least have heard the least, and even then i find myself singing along to the ones i fucking hate to keep my sanity.

-i am so tired of ed sheeran’s shape of you guys.

-sometimes when i grow tired of the constant pop songs, i use the time alone in my car to practice character voices for my d&d campaign. i can only imagine how i look, having conversations with myself, in different voices, as i try to figure them out.

-sometimes people have dogs. it’s the best fucking thing in the world. one time there was this golden retriever sitting on the corner likely held back by an invisible fence thinger, and i drove by and this dog lost its fucking shit to see me. it was so excited to see me. i was like “SHHH DONT TELL MY BOSS” as i sprinted across the street to pet it

-even rarer, sometimes people have cats. that’s always a reason to be excited. most of the time i talk more to the pets than the customer, filling the awkward silence as they sign the receipt with “how are u buddy are u a good friend yes u are im giving ur owner pizza yes i am”

-i don’t know if this endears me to the owners or not, but typically pet owners give solid tips.

-one time i came across an address that had numerous military veteran stickers all over their apartment door proclaiming them to be a vet, etc etc. but they also had an “i love cats” sticker. they were an old man. it was the weirdest combination of facts about a human being i have witnessed.

-another man apparently got cortizone shots to his back. he ordered a large pizza and 4 diet cokes. his door was open. he asked me to come in. i gave him his food as he was on his hands and knees on the ground. i think he was lonely, as he kept talking to me about how big the needle was. he was like “you would have cried”. i said “yes i would have absolutely have a good day” and left. that was the end of our conversation.

-one time a lady got excited that i was a female pizza delivery driver. apparently they don’t get many. this seems to be the case as there’s only one other female pizza delivery driver. she works weekends with me. most of the ladies are counter girls. you’ll take my driver position from me over my cold dead hands.

-one time i accidentally switched the pizzas for a customer. one was a supreme, one had anchovies. the supreme house got anchovies, and they wanted their proper pizza. (anchovy house got the supreme and was startled when i went to their house with the wrong pizza. i was like “sorry about the mistake” they were like “what” i was like “.......you got the wrong pizza right” they were like “oh yeah hahah i didn’t care thanks for the pizza tho”) anchovy house, however, was the one who put in the call. they handed me back the anchovy pizza with disgust written all over their face, they were like “please take it back we don’t want it”. my only other food experience was in fast food where u don’t take back the food u trash it so i tried to argue. they were insistent. i returned to base with an anchovy pizza.

-when asking what do i do with the pizza, my boss was like trash it no one will want it. another driver did not realize it was anchovy, shouted “LET US EAT IT!”. saw it was anchovy. immediately said “nevermind”

-it was left on the top of the oven where the reject food goes.

-someone went to take a slice.

-speaking of reject food, that’s the biggest difference between the fast food place i did and the delivery place. in fast food, they trashed fuckin everything the customer returned. in pizza, the managers were like “fuck it bro have some pizza”. it gives me life.

-we got a call from someone the other day whose only instruction note was “exterminator friend!”

-he introduced himself as raul the exterminator.

-we do deliveries to an adult detention center (it’s just called the jail. that’s just what we call it). the other day we get an order back because one of the guards didn’t get the ketchup they wanted and were very upset. this lead to a following conversation between the driver and i:

me: “so they’ll arrest us for not bringing the ketchup huh”

him: “no, not for that. but when they do end up arresting us they’ll remember us for the ketchup and be nicer”

me: “so ur going to the jail to give them their ketchup”

him: “yup, but im goin home afterwards anyways”

me: “oh so it’s a ketchup drive by”

-he would later have a bag filled with several ketchup packets, ask if it was enough. i was like haha just fill it up all the way with ketchup. the driver was like nah then we’d look like assholes. and THEN when they arrest us they won’t be as nice.

-related to the jail, the second or third shift i did, my manager was like “so have you been to jail yet” i was very confused. i said no. this is when i found out we deliver to the jail, and also people get lost very easily in the jail and the guards tend to want to be ur buddy once they find out ur bringing them their food, but this process can take a very long time because they gotta make sure ur the food guy if they don’t recognize you or something. there is a lot of bureaucracy involved.

-my very very first delivery was a credit card receipt. i had no pen. i was sitting in my car, with no pen, screaming in agony because how was the customer supposed to sign. so i finally go “hello this is my first delivery ever. and i don’t have a pen. do you have a pen.”

-they had a pen.

-they gave me the pen. i was like “no take it”

-they were like “you will need it more than i will”

-i was very touched and used that pen all weekend until i guess i set it down on my desk and it escaped as pens are oft to do

-i still think of this blue pen and this friendly blue pen man. one day i hope to deliver to him again so i can thank him. one day, i will give him a pen.