semi-incoherent babbling

terminal velocity. I'm trying to reamin hoepful and keep the arrow in my mind straight, to pretend normalcy, but he mentioned i might be burnt ou t and he is aboslutely correct. i have too much on my plate. I regret to say that my hypothesis on my trip was correct in that i figured it was going to be a throw of the parking brake only for the lurch forward once it was let off again. dgmw im glad I did it and Im glad I went, but it felts like temporarily ejecting a tape i had to inevitably put back in, in terms of attempting to soothe my focus. and i dont mean "too much" as in mild annoyance in my circumstance or of fun things and plans that i can just move around and cancel, I mean "too much" to the point of feeling o nthe edge of defeat w no way out. I'm struggling to reply to people appropriately or at the very least to a capacity I would prefer to would otherwise intend (in timing or pattern or depth or without mask). I have so much of work and personal work, I try to fall to hobbies and art as an escape but evern thinking about personal endeavours makes my ears ring. its not anyone's fault, it's all just become a lot and then some and more. I keep thinking about three things: "ceci n'est pas une fucking drille," Han-Tyumi's "critical density," and the "& Secure" comic strip wehre they're at a traffic light.Thinking about work makse me feel sick, thinking about going out this weekend makes me dizzy, thinking about finishing new art makes my throat uncomfortable, trying to talk to people is like sludge. its not anyones fault; i dontn owe anyone here anything. or anyone really. this life has been feeling more and more like a video game and every day I feel more and more confused as to why I dont just play a different game. and i dont just mean "work vs hobbies"--that would fit the metaphor in that i *could* "just" play something else--but i mean basic functions and further basic circumstance. i have to sleep? xyz? what a disappointing game mechanic when the difficulty setting is already jacked. and before i get pinterest advice, i should clarify: i dont know what relaxing is. i know that sounds dramatic, but i dont. I've discussed it before, but "winding down" doesnt make sense to me. It either is or it isnt;y. So what do i do? I cant tell if I'm genuinely asking or if its rhetorical. maybe i should try picking up skating again but i know how and why that ends every time. thats the only thing i can think of that can brute-force myslf out of my own head. though, thn, begs the question: with what time?

i do hate to whine cause theres nothing anyone can do do about it. but i digress, i do feel i owe him and that ive disappointed him. I know he'd/he'll argue against it, but if I am disapointed in myself, he is autmatically encompassed in that cocophany within my own perspective. idk if that makes sense at all. it just seems that the second i pause to think about anything other than work/duty, i realize how loud my ears have been ringing,. and I still have a long way to go. I question, i suppose, if I will spend my rest--once i finally get it--recovering rather than enjoying. it always ends up this way and, honestly, it doesnt feel like its my fault. and that just makes me enraged with nowehre to go with it.

this must be how altamont felt, hm? im writing this to just say, if i vanish its because i need it. it's because i need it.

❛ I’M NOT LOOKING AT YOU. I’M NOT LOOKING AT YOU! ❜

Mr Numbers and Mr Wrench — Fargo, FX

this would have to be far after i've moved and settled, but I have been planning to do a series of Stein/Soul Eater pieces based around entire music albums (ie pieces for each song, in sequence)

uuuggly-laughing in the realization ive put 7k miles on my car in four months since I last got new tires

Hatred.

from the other day

[my stomach growls]

me: "I understand you're hungry, but daddy's busy. I'm writing literary analysis."

something we heard on the street the other night:

person 1: [surprised] "Wait, did you say you're having real feelings?"

person 2: "OF RESENTMENT!!!"

self-care phrases to boost your confidence

this shit ain't nothin to me man

I'll fucking kill you

.

i have been guerilla warfare-ing my vertigo. I didn't think that .1 second of fear could be eliminated, but my reactions to it really have been reduced to "are you kidding me? piss off." and just straight up ignoring it until it goes away instead of readjusting to immediately please it

idk if I've told this story before so if I have here it is again

at one of my friends houses, there's a spot where the wall meets the arch of the hallway under the vaulted ceiling that just radiates energy. it's hard to explain, it feels like being glued to a tv--it doesn't necessarily ask for attention, but it's hypnotizing and always always always catches my focus. it doesn't matter if we're preoccupied with activities or what season it is or what time of day it is--that spot radiates energy, and it has for years ever since they moved in. I can't place it. I can't describe it. it's not positive or foreboding, it just is.

anyways, one day I was at said friends house and his mom had come over to visit. its equally difficult to describe my friend and his mom so idk take my word for it when I say they are not strangers to "strange." She asked me, "You keep looking over there. what is it?" I didn't feel inclined to make anything up in that moment, so I replied with the truth, something along the lines of, "Oh nothing its just that spot always radiates energy." and what she said I will hopefully never forget because she asked me then, quote, "What does it tell you?"

I was so baffled (/neu, pos) that I barely even knew what to say. i mean I also don't know what it tells me. it just is, it just has been. but something about her being so genuinely neutral and also reflective(??) on a level I've never seen before was so profound.

i think we're at critical density

hey but im not done with my footnote

It’s actually impossible to not make the Hannibal wendigo look good I can’t 😭

surprised my co-worker the other day by singing this song when it came over the radio.

when I was maybe 16ish i had this song stuck in my head for a week straight and it was driving me up the damn wall so I sang it over and over again like releasing pressurized steam until my mom finally snapped at me to stop hahaha. anyways, I always think about her yelling at me in the garage when I hear this song LOL

✨ Please reblog the polls to make them reach out to as many people as possible, but KEEP IT SPOILER-FREE to make people listen to the music with an open mind 💖 Artists and titles will be revealed after the poll's conclusion, check the original post for an update! ✨

on my long car ride home thinking about how Wes Wrench and Grady Numbers are the ultimate sociopath/psychopath dynamic duo.

in canon, they knew each other as kids and grew up together, but what brought them together? id like to think it was that Grady finally found someone who didn't force expectations on him, so he learned to communicate with Wes

I'd go so far as to say that they DONT inherently perpetuate the dangerous psychopath stereotype, as--quote Numbers--"Let's just finish this and go home." Their hitman gigging is just that: A job to pay the bills.

every time I see or suspect a stealth cop I fake-gasp and then scream at the top of my lungs, "IS THAT THE GRIM REAPER!?!?"

given his bickering with Numbers at what time they should eat breakfast, I'm sure it's enough canon to argue against this but, fuck it, hc till I die that Wrench has a sweettooth