lasciare suonare
chapter summary: the first song he writes after those months of silence is something he shows no one.
content warning: he beginning of this chapter delves a little into leo's downward spiral post-checkmate. there is one line where there's referenced self harm, but it's very much blink and you miss it.
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symphony masterpost
here on ao3
for the longest time, music followed leo wherever he went.
a symphony played in his head, the different sections melding flawlessly with each other to create a perfect harmony heād hurry to scribble down before it left him. whatever he was writing with ā pen, marker, pencil ā would end up smudged along the side of his hand, a reminder of all that he was creating. the rhythm would rise and fall with the staccato of his heart or syncopated tapping of his feet or hands, whichever moved to keep the beat first.
his life was full of music and leo loved every second of it, whether it was shared with others or stayed a concert for only himself in his head or on paper. steady for as many years as he could remember, a tune would greet him as he woke and he could just as surely rely on another to send him off to sleep as a lullaby.
it was a constant, and a welcome one at that.
or it had been until leo woke one day only to feel like a soloist abandoned by the group, horribly out of tune with no one left to synchronize with. he was left alone with no one to catch him if he fell off beat, missing notes the longer he stood on center stage.
rather than a reliable thrum of a song in his head, a staff of notes behind his eyelids, leoās world becomes silent for the first time in his life.
he isnāt sure what to do about it. thereās an uncomfortable quiet that grows the longer he skips school, the longer he stays in his room. so he tries to fix it the only way he knows how: by writing music, the one thing thatād never failed him before.
yet it doesnāt help. he canāt even get more than a few measures out after the first few tries.
leo loses count of how many hours he sits in front of blank pages, the clef symbols staring at him. mocking him. he tries to write, he really does, but every time his pen touches the paper, in the midst of writing a measure, whatever inspiration heād had, if any at all, would float away, leaving him there again.
it leaves him feeling empty, as if a piece of him is missing. and maybe a piece of him really did get lost somewhere along the way, between the broken pieces of chess, backgammon, othello.Ā knights.
he pulls his legs closer to his chest, hands faintly aching and bandaged, as he tries to ignore the crumpled papers around him, ignore the hollow in his chest and the ink smeared on the pages from tears of frustration. who knew something that had been as easy as breathing for him could turn into something that made him feel so hopeless.
thereās times when it feels as if this is where heāll be stuck for the rest of time, locked in his room with the blinds drawn. he isnāt even sure what day it is anymore, but itās not like that matters when heād resigned himself to a life like this, no use to anyone if he couldnāt do the one thing he was good at.
leo buries his face in his knees. a pitiful little noise falling from his lips breaks the silence. he wishes things could go back to how they were once, back when he thought people loved him and his music, not just the latter.Ā
when music chased him just as eagerly as how he chased it in return.
his music had brought people together once, hadnāt it? now it only feels as if itās destroyed everything he ever cared about.
leo desired to be on stage once.Ā
he wonders if thatāll every come back to him. after heād gotten the first taste of performing for more than just ruka or their parents, leo had yearned to return to the stage, to stand under the spotlight and receive applause and praise for a live well done.
he wonders if heāll ever return to those he left behind and hurt so badly before they could turn their backs on him first.
yet no matter how much he dreams to be free from these dragging, neverending days where nothing gets written and he feels further and further away from ever writing again, leo feels helpless.Ā
so, his world remains quiet.
it takes time and a lot of it for the first tendrils of a song make their way through his mind, whispered and incredibly muted. those notes surprise leo so bad that they disappear once he focuses too hard on them.
heās spent so long now, months maybe ā he truthfully isnāt sure ā being stuck in this rut, unable to form anything meaningful. the thought of this block thatās haunted him for all this time going away feels odd. the thought of being able to write a song again feels the same if heās being honest, but leo misses that part of himself. the part that could love somebody so purely and write a song about that feeling without even a second thought.
while he remains the soloist left behind, heās no longer so out of tune, no longer fighting his way through the measures on his own. it doesnāt feel so hard remembering a song that had been on the tip of his tongue but would never come out right.
the first song he writes after those months of silence is something he shows no one.
compared to his normal work ā can he even call it that anymore when he hasnāt composed in so long? ā itās clumsy. for a self proclaimed genius, the song feels more like a beginner wrote it. of course, leo wouldnāt call it bad. itās justā¦ a bit messy is all.
when he puts his pen down after writing a finishing fermata over the last half note, leo stares at the music in front of him. itās almost as if he doesnāt recognize it despite having been working on it for, at the very least, a few hours by now. his curtains no longer cover the windows and the sun had long set, though he hadnāt noticed at the time.
without warning and without trying, he begins to cry.
the past few days have been a bit of a whirlwind to say the least, from running into eichi and keito by pure chance to stepping back onto the stage for the first time in far too long thanks to madaraās gentle insistence.
heād missed it.
heād missed itĀ so muchĀ .
not just performing or the applause or the wide smiles from those in the audience. heād missed it all so bad that heād forgotten at some point that heād ever enjoyed that kind of thing in the first place.
leoās hands cover his face though heās alone in his room. the doorās cracked open, but itās late enough that no one but him would be awake. āi did it,ā he whispers.
he sniffles, wiping away the tears that seem to just keep falling with the heels of his palms. leo peers out from behind his hands as if the song wouldāve disappeared in the brief moment heād taken his eyes off of it.
unsurprisingly, the papers remain on his desk where he left them. thereās a few wet marks at the bottom from his tears, thankfully happy this time.
leo carefully grabs the song and holds it up in front of him. the notes remain just as heād written them, meaning that as much as this moment felt like a dream, itās not.Ā
his lips pull up into a smile without him noticing at first. spinning in his chair, another tear rolls down leoās cheek. what a sight he must be, smiling so wide while crying, but leo doesnāt care.
heād written a song again. finally,Ā finallyĀ written one again and itās real and in his hands.
āi did it!ā
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leo knows that the other knights have been planning a surprise for him.
he isnāt exactly sure what, but between hushed whispers and quickly hidden somethings whenever he happens to walk into one of their conversations, he knows thereās definitely something going on.
so, when he wakes up to nazunaās bunny shifting in the bedding left out for him, leo springs up with maybe a little too much enthusiasm for someone whoās only slept for a few hours. if the papers scattered around his bed and now on the floor mean anything, heād fallen asleep in the middle of writing a song.
of course, his sudden jolt up startles the rabbit, the poor little thing scampering around.
āoh, sorry,ā he says, careful as he gets out of bed to crouch in front of where the rabbitās hidden himself. āi didnāt mean to scare you, iām just excited! itās my birthday, yāknow?ā
all he gets in response is a little nose wiggle.
āhm, youāre right. i guess you wouldnāt know that.ā leo hums, reaching his hand out to the bunny, stopping in front of his nose, which once again wiggles slightly as he stays tucked within his little hutch. just as nazuna showed him, leo gives the bunny a few light pets to the top of his head then stands.
the other two beds in the dorm are empty. leo thinks heād registered that it was just him and the rabbit to some extent, but that at least explains why itās so quiet in the room. still, itās a little odd that neither of them are there seeing as itās still golden week, but then again, natsume doesnāt even return to the dorm some days and leoās pretty sure nazuna said something the other day about spending time with ra*bits.
or he thinks he remembers nazuna saying that. either way, he decides, it doesnāt matter much.
the only thing is that without either of his dormmates, he has no real way to gauge what time it is. the sunlight coming in through the windows also helps him none, so he stars to search for his phone. luckily it doesnāt take long to spot it as he moves his blanket around.
grabbing it from where it sits poking out from under his bed, leo finds that itās a bit later than he thought it was. that meant heād slept longer than he thought he had, though itās still the middle of the morning.
his notifications are filled with birthday messages and well wishes which only make him laugh a little, pleased at them all.
now that heās seen the time, leoās sure he has plenty to finish the song heād been working on last night; the agency party anzu planned wouldnāt be until later and per knights tradition, their own small gathering is still a couple hours out.
looking forward to finding out what theyāve been hiding helps his inspiration return, so he hastily hops back onto his bed in search of his pencil, which he finds a lot easier than his phone. despite this, he doesnāt get very far back into the song when thereās a knock at the door.
leo ignores it at first, at least aware of it, but he makes no move to answer as heās in the middle of a crescendoed section and he wants to get the build up perfect before heās interrupted.
the knock returns, this time with a voice accompanying it. āleo-san, are you here?ā
that catches his attention.Ā
reluctantly, leo leaves the piece on his bed and opens his door. āsuo, whatāre you doing here?ā
ādid you not see myĀ messagesĀ ?ā
leo simply blinks at him. āno.ā
tsukasa sighs. āi donāt know why i expected anything different,ā he says. āwell, iāve come toĀ escortĀ you to yourĀ partyĀ .ā
āwait, i thought that wasnāt ātill later.ā
āiāve been sent to retrieve you early.ā
leo doesnāt quite buy it, narrowing his eyes. tsukasa has never been a good liar, but he sees no reason to continue questioning him. heād been looking forward to his birthday to see whatever this surprise is and if theyāve sent tsukasa to bring him, then it has to be something big, right?
āokay! lemme get ready first though,ā he says. leo only catches it out of the corner of his eye as he turns back into his room, but heās pretty sure tsukasaās shoulders lose some of the tension in them. he motions for tsukasa to follow him. āhere, you can look at this, itās not done yet.ā
tsukasa takes the song offered to him, placing himself awkwardly on the edge of leoās unmade bed. āis it a newĀ knightsĀ song?ā
leo shrugs as he looks through his clothes. ācould be, i think itāll fit.āĀ
tsukasa doesnāt reply, most likely looking it over as leo continues looking.
ever the stickler when it came to fashion, izumi had taken him shopping when they were in florence, saying that if the two of them happened to be out together, it would be best for their outfits not to clash.Ā
leo doesnāt really see the issue, but he went along with it anyway even though he knows any shopping trip with izumi is him picking out far too many things to send leo off to a dressing room to try them all on. in the end, they ā more izumi than leo, but he did at least take leoās opinion into account ā managed to narrow down their choices to one outfit that izumi said to consider as a birthday gift.
and if thatās the case, then thereās no better time to wear it than now, right?Ā
speaking of izumi, heād most definitely nag leo if he shows up with unbrushed hair, so leo makes sure to do that next. heās been lectured about his unkempt hair plenty of times, but still, itās really not his fault when he gets inspired and sucked into his next composition to remember do those kinds of things.
the flipping of pages fills the air.
āi think so too. we canĀ discussĀ it more later,ā tsukasa agrees once heās finished looking through the unfinished composition. āare youĀ readyĀ to go, leo-san?ā
just having finished retying his hair, leo says, āmmhm! ready, suo.ā
tsukasa returns the song neatly stacked back to the bed as he stands. āthen, letās set off. i donāt wish to leave the others waiting for long.ā
leo nods in agreement, more than eager to see whatever they had planned for him. he sets his hands on tsukasaās shoulders and pushes him towards the door. ignoring tsukasaās protests at being handled in such a way, leo says, ābye, bunny,ā glancing back at the play area where the rabbit lay sleeping as he shuts the door behind them.
leo waits until they step out of the dorm building to ask, āwhatās the surprise?ā
tsukasa splutters slightly. āwhatĀ surpriseĀ ?ā
knowing that tsukasa has more likely than not been sworn to secrecy, leo figures he wonāt give anything up. heāll try his luck a little more anyway. āyāknow, the thing you guys would hide whenever i showed up.ā
tsukasa very clearly is avoiding his gaze when leo looks over at him. āiām afraid i donāt know what youāre talking about.ā
leo canāt help but laugh at that. āyou really are bad at lying, suo!ā
that earns him an offended gasp. āthe point of aĀ surpriseĀ , leo-san, is that it stays aĀ secretĀ ,ā he defends.Ā
āso, does that mean there is one?ā leo presses.
āiām not answering that.ā
leo gives an amused hum to that.Ā
tsukasa levels him with a tired stare. āplease, no moreĀ questionsĀ . youāll find out soon enough.ā
content enough with that, leo nods and stays quiet even once they reach the building and step into the elevator to go up to newdiās floor. while on the elevator, tsukasa takes out his phone and types out something that leo canāt make out from the corner of his eyes, trying to make it not obvious that heās trying to cheat his way into knowing early.
the elevator dings once it reaches the correct floor and leo asks, āis it the same room as normal?ā likely thanks to tsumugi doing the boring administrative work in the agency and taking into account leoās multiple complaints about getting lost in the building, most knights meetings between the five of them tend to be in the same conference room.
āyes,ā tsukasa replies, his phone dinging in his hand. ābut weāll have to wait aĀ momentĀ .ā
the elevator doors open and leo considers his options. he could do as tsukasa said and wait, but heād been waiting for way too long now. he wanted to see what theyād been keeping from him, so as they step out onto the floor, leo runs off down the hall in the direction of their conference room.
āleo-san!ā tsukasa yells after him.
leo, of course, doesnāt stop. he instead bursts into the room and says, āhi, guys!āĀ
rather than getting an equally enthusiastic greeting, he finds three pairs of eyes on him as tsukasa catches up.
ākasa-kun, i thought you said you could distract him,ā izumi says.
tsukasa purses his lips. āi thought i could,ā he objects. ābut he knew we wereĀ planningĀ something, so he ran ahead of me.ā
ādonāt blame our darling child, secchan,ā ritsu cuts in from where heās setting up what looks like a cake at the end of the table. per usual fashion, the decorations on it are a bit grotesque, but in a fun way. āwe all know how free spirited tsukipi is.ā
āis that what weāre calling it?ā izumi mutters.
arashi waves her hand dismissively, ignoring izumi as she says, āwell, it doesnāt matter now, does it? weāre pretty much done setting things up, so it doesnāt hurt to start things a little early.ā
leo, though he doesnāt really get what theyāre setting up for in the first place since the birthdays they spend together are hardly planned things, nods eagerly. āexactly, naru gets it!ā
that gets him an eye roll from izumi.
ritsu, apparently pleased with the placement of his cake, joins izumi and arashi. āiām all done, so we can start now. i think tsukipi might jump at us if we donāt get to it soon.ā
leo bounces on the balls of his feet. āsee, iĀ knewĀ you guys were planning something!ā
ritsu smiles at that. āyou could put it like that.ā his gaze shifts to tsukasa and gives him a brief nod.
tsukasa leaves leoās side and pulls a chair out from the table, turning it so the back is now to the table. āsit, leo-san,ā tsukasa says.
leo eyes him curiously but does so anyway. whatever it is theyād been planning has been going on for at least two weeks since thatās when he started noticing them hiding things, so to say heās excited to be only moments away from seeing what theyād been up to is a bit of an understatement.
tsukasa joins the others as they move to stand in front of leo. arashi looks over ritsuās shoulder as he searches on his phone for something.
izumiās eyes catch his. āwe spent a long time on this, so you better like it, leo-kun.ā
āiāll love anything you guys give me,ā he replies easily.
arashi giggles, glancing up at him. āizumi-chanās just prickly ācause heās the one who suggested we do this in the first place.ā
at that, izumi conveniently looks over to ritsu when leoās gaze falls on him once more. ācan you just start it already?ā
ritsu looks up from his phone, an amused little smile pulling at his lips. though rather than the teasing the normally accompanies that look, he simply says, āyeah, yeah, secchan. i just wanted to make sure it was the finished version.ā
āthen are we ready toĀ beginĀ ?ā tsukasa asks on arashiās other side.
āmmhm.ā ritsu nods. he presses something on his phone then hands it to leo. āhere, hold this for me.ā
leo accepts the phone as the four of them align themselves in front of him. it takes a few seconds, but notes played on piano make their way from ritsuās phone. the song doesnāt sound familiar, though leo can recognize the playing style as ritsuās. he taps the screen only for the track remain untitled.
itās not until the begin singing that he realizes that theyāve written him a song.
for a brief couple of seconds, all he can think of is that they wrote him a song for his birthday. the joy he feels at that is something he could never hope to put into words. a wide smile makes its way across his face as the performance continues.
while the song itself seems finished when it comes to the score and the lyrics ā he very easily recognizes the latter as being written by izumi, though he canāt tell if heās imagining rukaās influence in certain lines or not ā the choreography seems like it was thrown together last minute. itās nowhere near as polished as their normal dancing, but leo figures it would be hard to schedule practice for this without him noticing around their normal practice.
still, he isnāt about to complain; heād never complain when someone would give him a gift as nice and thoughtful as a song.
the tune itself is charming, pleasant to the ears, but itās not like he expected anything less from them. after all, he likes to believe the time spent together rubbed off some of his musical genius onto them, but that would be severely discounting the talent each of them has.
leo finds himself swaying along with the beat, trying to capture and absorb as much of this moment as he can, though itās hard to pay attention to the chords and the lyrics and the choreo all at once in this first listen.Ā
before he knows it, the song is over. it continues on in his head once the recording ends, the four of them coming together and holding their final pose briefly.
āleo-san?ā tsukasa says, falling out of order first. thereās a certain edge of worry in his voice that leo doesnāt quite understand until he blinks and his vision goes watery. he doesnāt even know when he started crying; leo just feels so happy. more tears fall.
leo swipes at his eyes, ducking his head down slightly to do so. āhow embarrassing,ā he mumbles.
āit wasnāt that bad, right?ā izumi asks, a tinge of concern leaking in.
he laughs then sniffles. āno, it was perfect,ā he says. āi loved it.ā
as he looks back up at them, leo sees the concern on arashiās face fall mostly away as she quietly sighs. āare you sure youāre okay?ā she asks.
he nods. āiām sure,ā leo says, though heās not sure how reassuring that is when more tears fall even as he wills them to stop. āi just wasnāt expecting that. iām just so happy.ā he rubs a few more tears away.
tsukasa, despite the worry clear on his face, looks a bit proud at that. āsee, i told you that he wouldnāt expect aĀ songĀ .ā
needing to show his appreciation, leo stands, sleeves coming away damp as he wipes at his eyes. the four of them say nothing, simply watch as he nears just for him to hug whoever happens to be the closest, which happens to be arashi. she lets out a quiet noise of surprise, but her arms fall around him easily to return it.
it doesnāt take long for the other three to join in the hug, even if thereās some quiet bickering about it.Ā
leo feels so warm there in the hold of four of his closest friends, protected and comforted by them all at once.Ā
theyād written him a songĀ . he still couldnāt believe it.Ā
āthank you,ā he says. a hand brushes over his hair. he canāt tell whose it is, but it doesnāt really matter.
āof course, tsukipi,ā ritsu says by his left ear.
leo wants to say so many things, wants to write so many songs now that heās received one of his own. itās such a new experience that he isnāt sure what to make of it all yet. he wants to ask what writing it was like, how each step of it went. heās almost a little upset they didnāt ask him for any advice, but that wouldāve ruined the surprise before it even began.
he wants to ask them for an encore and then another and another until he memorizes it all by heart.
even so, leo knows that heāll have plenty of time to ask all the questions bouncing around in his head and then some, so he settles for saying, āi love you guys so much,ā and hopes thatās enough to get the message across.
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end notes: i was between two different titles but decided to go with this one in the end. lasciare suonare means allowing a sound to continue (to "let ring") without dampening it. in the past, leo's sound was dampened, but he was able to move through that into where he is now where his music is allowed to continue on, ringing loud and clear. symphony, the title of this fic, refers to a piece that is typically in four movements.
happy leo day!! being done with posting this feels so weird. leo means a lot to me and i'm glad to have been able to put all of that into words for these past five chapters. thank u for sticking around until the end <33 i was already sappy about this ending on twt so i'll spare you all from that but i hope you liked it.
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