Can there be a positive side to mental-health problems?

Well, it's been about a month...so article-time.  WHAM, BLAMMO, straight out the pot etc.  Nah.  In truth I wasn't sure what to write about as I didn't want to potentially drone on about the fitness or weight-loss routine and I'd prefer to stick to more positive things these days.  Unless of course they involve various customers at my workplace getting abused by a hairy Mexican cucumber called Steve.  In which case, go ahead.  Just take pictures.

So.. Having touched on the issue before of the various mental health issues I've had and still cope with on a day to day basis, I thought I'd actually go against the grain and write about some of the oddly positive effects that I've experienced having lived with clinical depression on and off for most of my adult life as well as psychosis.  Now.  This might seem a bit odd, obviously most articles touching on mental health deal with the negative effects as well as how to cope with day to day issues and all that shit.  But hey, we've read all about those and to be frank most of us have lived with our own mental health issues or most certainly known somebody with them.  So something different then.

Where to start?  Let's start by saying that what I'm about to write is obviously based on my own experiences and deals with my own philosophy on the subject coupled with my own coping strategies.  So it's my perspective.  That doesn't mean I'm not unaware of those that have much more crippling mental health problems than I've ever experienced or those that are dealing with them right now and feel like every day is hell.  This isn't meant to insult anybody or seem unempathic.  It's just my own way of seeing things.  Which you're here for I hope.  If not.  Get out.

So funnily enough, speaking about perspective.  That's one of the things that's changed for me quite considerably over the years.  I've found that as a result of spending various sections of my life utterly depressed and in some cases, incapable, I've learned to enjoy some of the simple things in life and not to take things too seriously.  You could say that I've brainwashed myself to be happy just because I'm not getting repeatedly curb-stomped by life right at this present moment in time, and you'd be partially correct.  But the interesting side-effect is that when shit happens, both mild (some idiot just pushed me out the way) or the more severe (getting cancer) you find yourself able to cope with it more.  Now, obviously some of this can always be attributed to life experience and growing up.  But part of those experiences for me have been getting utterly shat on at various points in my life by both body and mind and funnily enough, they've helped me to adapt and grow.  Also, while I still wish for better things in life, I realised that breaking your soul over the life you think you should be living is a pointless waste of the life you actually are living.  By all means, change what you can and improve, but don't fret over things that are never going to happen or simply out of reach.  It's a waste of mental energy and serves no purpose whatsoever other than to bring you down and make you even less capable of doing what you need to do to survive.

Second thing I've noticed that's improved is empathy and my general understanding of other people.  It's a weird one.  Because when your mind's hit the floor and you've spent some serious time considering whether or not life's actually worth living and if you'll ever be able to hold down a job again or even manage to walk out your front door, you find yourself suddenly not hating other people so much for their weaknesses and failings.  Sure.  The ignorant as shit chav scumbag you have to serve at work who doesn't know even basic manners would be a much more productive member of society if somebody turned him into glue or fed him to a horde of ravenous gerbils...but part of me can't help but think "Fuck.  What type of life has that guy had to become such an utter shitstain?"  Okay.  Maybe I'm confusing empathy with something else but you get where I'm coming from.

"No.  No we don't." - Everyone

Fine.  In short.  People are all flawed.  None of us are perfect and now I've come to terms with what an imperfect and occasionally cuntish person I can be, I've finally realised that the key to happiness is to simply not expect other people to live up to our expectations of what they should be, but to accept them for the lying, hypocritical and beautifully flawed human meatbags that they really are.

Basically every Disney movie ever.

"Too much Dij, too much." - Brain

So yeah.  Empathy covered.  What else?

Oh yeah.  Now this one's a bit personal to me and involves my psychosis I had several years back that had me experiencing complete delusions, visual hallucinations, a general inability to do anything and an overwhelming constant state of near suicidal misery that lasted for the best part of several months.  Oh and of course, the biggest part - the auditory hallucinations.  Aka, voices in my head besides my own.

To explain how ANY of this could have a positive effect, I should explain that in general, the lack of really living at the time as well as the utter lack of joy and lack of interest in ANYTHING coupled with a confusion about my own existence does tie in with the first point.  Perspective.  So yeah, living in such shit times obviously helps you appreciate what it's like to have your mind working normally.  Or relatively normal enough that you can function.

But the main issue is the voices.  Now, before explaining, I should explain what they are and what they were like in the beginning.  Well, they were the first noticable part of the psychosis that I really remember.  I don't actually remember the initial delusions, or the confusion, but I always remember the voices.  I remember how at the moment of breakdown, I suddenly heard friends, family members, all suddenly talking to me as loud as if they were in the room.  All conversing with each other and with me.  Some of them explaining the situation I was in, some trying to convince me that I was dead, others telling me they hated me and wished for my suffering.  Suffice to say.  It was a bit of a headfuck.

Would.  Not.  Recommend.

Now, without rambling on, these voices stayed strong for, well, years.  Even when I started my current job and despite the anti-psychotics, I struggled with voices, delusional thoughts and fantasy day-dreaming merging with reality.  But I managed.  And through coping strategies, I got better at managing them. Finally, I got off the meds and if anything, my thinking has never been clearer. But here's the thing I generally don't mention too often for fear of making people uncomfortable.  But sod it, I'll just say it because it's kinda necessary to make my point... The voices and delusions never totally went away.

Now, the delusions.  They still waft into my thoughts.  But I cope.  I ignore them. I'm firmly enough invested in "this reality" enough so that I discourage or ignore the idea that the universe might be different somewhere and somehow.  They're not overly beneficial, perhaps they make me more imaginative even when it's not necessarily appropriate but hey ho.

The voices however.  Now this is where from my perspective, things have taken an odd turn.  Of course, the negative personalities that seem to gain utter joy from my occasional bad fortune and actively wish me harm and indeed sometimes will it with all their strength are still there, but I've learned to ignore them so much over the years that now it's second nature. As for the positive side?  Well, I remember before the psychosis, I used to think my way through problems or life in general by doing just that.  Thinking about it.  Weighing up pros and cons, looking at the various outcomes and deciding what seems best at the time.  Same shit no doubt that everybody does.  Now though, I do all that but the different voices (or personalities would perhaps be more apt) chime in and give me their perspectives on the matter and actually discuss whatever's on my mind.  With occasional input from me of course.  Of course, occasionally they talk utter shite for their own amusement but to be fair, who doesn't?

Before I finish I should point out that of course I'm aware they're just different aspects of my subconcious.  Not demons.  Or spirits.  But, to be honest, who cares?  They come in useful and seem to help for the most part.  Weirdly enough from my own musings, they occasionally point out things and even ideas or viewpoints that I hadn't or wouldn't have normally been consciously aware of - difficult to explain, because of course, as soon as an idea pops into your head, you're aware of it, but this is different to that.  It's hard to describe, same mechanism probably, but a different way of delivery.  Suffice to say, it's quite different to thinking to yourself and having something occur to you.  But it's a positive, so what's not to like?

Either way.  Perhaps the greatest ability I've learned from all of my experiences so far is to follow the constant advice of many grandparents everywhere and simply try to always look on the bright side of life.  It doesn't mean you can't be cynical, or angry, or even hateful...but it's how quickly you turn it around or turn a shit situation into a manageable situation in your own head.  Because at the end of the day.  That's where it counts.  Not how somebody else feels about something, or how they manage something, but about how you manage to live with something.  You won't always succeed at fixing your head when something goes wrong, but try your damndest anyway and refuse to let the universe win.  That way you can't kick yourself too hard in the balls if and when you mess up.

So anyway.  Hope you've enjoyed reading my somewhat self-indulgent post.  To be totally honest, writing about it for others to read (judge/hate/lambast/poo self laughing at) has been kind of relaxing.  Who knows?  Maybe I am a people person.  I'll have to dig one out the freezer and find out.