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ghostofasecretary · 7 years

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hooo boy, this week. it would be good to record things that happened this week, because Feelings are happening about said things

Sunday:

attempted to plan things with the Rat Bastard. that failed

applied to Wellesley

really, really, really did not do my ADLs

watched ASoUE

decided that, instead of homework, i should…hang up pictures? spent four hours hanging up pictures with help of parental unit

and then i had a bunch of new stuff on my wall

Monday:

no school! everybody panic! breaks are terrible and no one should have one!

finished ASoUE

plans with people. talking to people. people are good

GOT OBSESSIVELY LOCKED INTO CLEANING

like. usually i am able to focus on stuff for a while and then stop, but here? no. i moved everything in my room. i went through a substantial amount of papers of me, being a dork from 7th grade til last year, and felt extremely awful about all of them

i hate throwing stuff out! it is very good to do so, but also, ugh

moved and collapsed a bunch of stuff

got freaked out by how empty and new my room is

hung up new art

got extremely pissed at the movie “V for Vendetta,” because THAT IS NOT OKAY TO DO TO PEOPLE, HOW THE FUCK, WHAT KIND OF ABUSIVE SHIT SHOW, i don’t really have flashbacks but if i did, uh. yeah.

made some rice

had a panic attack in the shower, as one does

just felt really really terrible for mostly indiscernible reasons, which probably round to “breaks: they aren’t good”

felt okay by the time i went to bed, though

Tuesday:

fuck tuesday

did my homework in the morning because brains, what are brains

hey the principal needs to talk to you and your mom! for reasons! apparently!

HEY GUYS MANDATORY SURPRISED UNSCHEDULED SENIOR MEETING RIGHT WHEN YOU ARE SCHEDULED TO LEAVE WITH YOUR FRIEND

OOPS NOPE NOW THAT IS CANCELLED

then i got to see Joe, which was lovely

we went to the best coffee shop and hung out, and bullied each other into making lists, and we talked about our vastly different suicidal feelings and how i just sort of - process my suicidal intent as background noise, not really anything, like pain, like habit - don’t feel suicidal in the same way i don’t feel like a redhead, and i showed him all of rusalkii’s “the paint pettiness” tag because it is fantastic, and so that was delightful

then we went to an art studio so he could work on photos

i derped around and read poetry and walked out on the freaking awesome porch and admired pretty spiderwebs and sunlight

and then settled in to read for anatomy

and then Joe came in and did stuff in the computer lab, which was nice

AND THEN

hahahahahahhahhahah

a girl! blue eyes, blond hair, tan skin! name of “Maddy!” came in! to sit next to me!

like, i have a couple of things that basically always trigger me and they are all pretty unfortunate. like, being complimented by authority figures, especially in private, makes me want to die. certain bible verses. people making animal noises. churches, as a general rule. but the number one thing which upsets me is people who remind me of Maddy

like, fictional characters named some variation of “Madison”? yeah. can’t read Worm because there’s a short blond blue eyed bully with that name

people with a certain facial structure, even, if i’m having a Bad Time

which! guess what! the past couple of months! i have been having a Bad Time! for a while i could not go to coffee shops without screaming because tall black haired people had snub noses, okay, it has not been a fun season for the Traumz

and, to top it all off, i don’t actually remember her face or how she spells her name! i don’t! i just remember how her full name sounded/really accurate animal sounds/wanted to be a surgeon/blue eyes/snub nose/ambivalent coloring/blond bob, stacked, she didn’t use conditioner and then she did???/had duck pajamas at one point/SUPER AWFUL THINGS SHE DID AND SAID TO ME AND THEN THE THINGS I DID AND SAID FOR HER, hahahhhahaaahah!

so. had a really long and quiet panic attack

frantically texted Joe to ask if he knew her last name, which he did not

it was so horribly triggering, mother of g-d

then she left

and i cuddled Joe a bit, and he was v calming and good, and we talked about random shit and his photos and The Future, and i read him the english major articles and stuff, and overall it was quite distracting

and she came back, and then we left, and we had a brief interaction but it was...fine

and we went down in the elevator

her sign in didn’t include a last name

we walked to the car, and drove further in, and walked til we got to the gelato place in the deco building

the ice cream barista was v v v cute and relatively interesting and recommended pen&ink for tattoos

i really enjoy Joe, he is a good bean and a good friend and Quality

we walked back

i shouted “you go, running man” at a dude who was running very quickly, which was an Incredibly Impulsive decision and then something i felt shitty about, but it was also kinda funny

and people kinda were screaming as we neared the car, so that was weird

i wouldn’t have gone out unless i were with Joe

but it was nice

and i kinda. felt shitty and lived with it, and didn’t think about stuff, and we talked about How To Comfort Ghost When They Are Dead - Joe has improved a lot and it’s nice to have these discussions - and i helped plan for Joe, and he tried to reciprocate, because trying to help other people is really hard to do well, and i really really love my friends and i love Joe and i love feeling comfortable and safe and alive around people. it was good

and i was home by 8

and my sister had moved to my bathroom? which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but also. ugh. i moved downstairs, despite it requiring a lot of leg movement for me, because she is so exhaustingly untidy. i had to force her to clean up, which was unpleasant

and i think this is when i learned about the subject of the mystery meeting? mr. Post decided i could not fully join the alum association because i am not a christian, even though he had earlier said i could! and i was never less than honest about who and what i am! and so either i could do something half baked or i could do nothing. so. wasn’t that a lovely surprise to top off my day :/

and then i went upstairs and my room was empty and i was empty

got to sleep by 9:30, which was at least one good thing

Wednesday:

i was so tired and everything was 10x harder

by lists, this was the busiest day of the week. gotta love that.

got to school at 7:15, due to my mother’s job

did classes

ugh

N, another good bean, immediately got why i was so stressed and was super sympathetic and also asked if it was the Maddy, and i hadn��t thought of that, and i don’t know, i don’t know, i hate my brain doing this to me

we had a super passive aggressive and rather inefficient senior meeting led by the principal, which exposed School Drama

and a disturbing view of how classes work, but that is another topic

i asked good questions and it was incredibly obvious that certain people were at fault and other people were acting decently and still others had no idea that this was happening and did not enjoy the guilt trip and scrupulosity triggers and, in fact, the knowledge of other people’s stupid high school bullshit

who doesn’t get their drama done in 5th grade and get super traumatized and decide to never do that again? honestly

AND THEN

(warnings for a lack of clarity in the next section, because rage)

ms. Cathey yelled at us for being “selfish”

and said we were “spoiling your reputation”

and more importantly, “spoiling my reputation. this reflects badly on me and my job.“

FUCK YOU

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT KIDS

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU LEAD PEOPLE

the only reason classes have a reputation is because you tell other classes about them

ALSO: PLEASE DO NOT INSINUATE THAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE BEHAVING SELFISHLY WHEN, IN FACT, THEY ARE ACTING LIKE PEOPLE AND YOU SEE YOURSELF AS A DIVINELY APPOINTED MEDDLER AND THUS THEIR PROBLEMS ARE A SELF CENTERED ATTACK ON YOU, AS A PERSON

you know the only person who was really, lastingly hurt by this? her aide, who spends 8 hours in her office and has her ear as no one else does and has noticeably become more like ms. Cathey in the last year

this is a fucking adult. a 30 year old woman. yelling at high school seniors about how they are selfish for attempting to solve their own, mostly self generated problems, without talking enough to the person you hear most from, who is probably being influenced by your own propensity for inefficient, ineffective, and frankly inaccurate communication

YOU ARE BAD AT YOUR JOB AND BAD TO PEOPLE AROUND YOU AND I WANT YOU TO BE FIRED, PLEASE STOP BEING AROUND PEOPLE WHO ARE EASILY HURT, PLEASE STOP BEING SO DUMB, JUST. Fucking stop.

(that’s not very kind, but at this point i am incredibly angry with her and my anger is justified, and so i will have to construct a positive case in defense of her, that’s good practice. once i graduate, though, i am asking for her to be fired)

no one came out of that meeting with anything resembling sanity

and then my meeting with the principal got cancelled

and i went to a coffee shop and hung out with The Coolest Dietz, which was pretty great

except i was, as noted, dead and full of rage and anxiety

but mostly it was awesome

and then i had philology club

and then i took a friend home

and then i took a bath

and then i figured out how to dress for prom

and then i had that kind of dissociation that’s so stark and unsubtle it can’t be anything but dissociation, where your hands aren’t your hands and your body isn’t your body and you aren’t alive, at all, really, you’re a floating falling non being in static space

and then i read someone’s trauma blog a bit

and then i talked to a person

and then i failed to do things, because exhaustion

and then i went to sleep really early

Thursday:

did not have homework done, which was unfortunate but could be fixed. also did not have headache medications.

why?

because who has the energy to remind people multiple times of your pressing need for medication

it was an understandable mistake, but also. ugh.

PAIN HAPPENED

skyped my principal while i had a migraine. that was…fun.

i don’t feel like detailing it but it went well, i guess, and we decided a thing, mostly

apparently i am “groundbreaking” or w/e

remember how compliments from authority figures in private make me want to die? yeaahh

laid in the dark while in pain for a while

got meds at 12

read about s t o y a, because why not

got increasingly horribly anxious about my freaking homework for Friday

talked to a person; said person attempted to help and had me do some ADLs, which was good

got an SD card, which was a surprise but a good one

still did not even begin to do things. SO. TIRED.

stayed up til 11, decided this was unproductive because i could not move

went to bed

Friday:

decided to go to school even though i had done nothing and was dead, because i have a fun Dr. V class on Fridays

read the German in a rush before school

went to class

went to break. oh! turns out! we’re streaming the whole inauguration! and today has no schedule! and Mr. Post’s secretary isn’t here, so we can’t ask her why!

i hate surprises

one of my two classmates is incredibly, incredibly pro-Trump

it’s so exhausting.

the other was absent

we read some stuff, it was good, the fact that i didn’t have my homework mattered less than expected

Dr. V did not actually call me and The Coolest Dietz, who decided to hang out in our classroom, quote man-hating dykes unquote, but holy shit, that was hilarious

and very inaccurate, in Dietz’s case. after he left Dr. V began talking about how he could “clean up nice” and “all the boys at our school must be blind,” which was even more hilarious

(also this saga was a bit awful, but there are things that you forgive in order to live in the world, so)

S U R P R I S E

YOU HAVE TO GIVE A SPEECH!

SORRY THAT I, THE GREAT MS. CATHEY, DIDN’T TELL YOU THIS

ALSO I GAVE YOU BLATANT MISINFORMATION ABOUT THE BANNER, SORRY

WHO DOESN’T LOVE FUN SURPRISES

ALSO I WAS GONE ALL DAY BECAUSE I WAS GETTING MY HAIR DONE, LOL

called a college b/c application bullshit

prepared for Teh Prom

was at Teh Prom

it was exhausting and i was temporarily blinded due to masks

Surprise! the person who made last year’s third quarter miserable with her wedding showed up and hugged you from behind! gotta love it!

she wasn’t at my table, thank fucking god

sat next to M and K, and M wanted to talk about 3D printing and K wanted to write notes, and it was altogether pretty satisfactory

the food wasn’t great, but it existed, so that was good.

i waltzed with Joe’s little sister, the same K, which was pretty fun

wrote a lot of notes, always a delightful Teh Prom activity

i wrote a speech in the car on the way there

THAT WAS SO ANXIETY INDUCING

it was a Work for me and my co-banner-bullshit-committee-member to divide the speech into a nice, thematically appropriate thing, BUT WE DID IT

THANK GOD

and my jokes carried! and we played off of each other! i fucking love public speaking

and the NOA thing happened

it was surprisingly not awkward, if anxiety-inducing

and then it was over

and i went home

and i was home

and i slept

Saturday:

slept for 12 hours and woke up at 11

good talks in the morning

mostly was a person

felt bad

did laundry

took a bath

cleaned my room some more

went to a tea shop, which was nice

cleaned some stuff

read about how to resist Trump

goofed around on tumblr

drank a delicious oatmeal type mocha and had an extremely filling triple layer chocolate mousse

went home

ate a lot of food

kinda crashed

talked to people

realized HEY, i feel like an automaton or a cyborg and usually that means i am festering

wrote this thing! thanks again, rusalkii, you are a delight and an extremely helpful human

now: put up laundry

slep

i don’t know how i feel, still, but i now understand the magnitude of shitty stuff which has happened. the thing on Tuesday has made everything 10x harder, even though i was able to ground and be comforted and think the past was post, it still sucked a lot. and there were other triggering things this week! there was a frankly ridiculous amount of pain and also walking!

surprises kill me so much and so thoroughly and i never remember this.

next week will probably be hard. i might not feel it. i first thought i wouldn’t react for a while, but i seem to be reacting a bit. maybe something will pop up later and maybe it won’t, who knows. it’s okay that things suck.

a few quotes: not the spring dawn: i strained, i suffered, i was delivered. this isn’t the present. nature isn’t like us, doesn’t have a warehouse of memory.

lucky nature.

(not everything has to bloom. that’s how gardens work: you plant seeds, you wait. something imperfect grows, still, maybe.)

#emotional sorting #senior year here i come #this got out of hand #the week: a recap #trigger warnings probably i guess idk

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