it was ganmina day today and i have emotions

Send a number ask 1-30

Mwahahahaha...don t blame me for the ling ass post, blame my dear hun^

Ok...so

1)how old werr you when you firat fell in love?

Now see this bothers me cause love can be very different. Cause romantically id say 14, but i do believe we must understand that when that is boiled down, the love and caring part is the same as in a platonuc sense, it s just added on attraction if sorts that makes it romantic. So truly, the first time i genuinely met someone i cared about deeply and, id say, loved a lot, more than anyone at the time, i was 13. And that was a pivotal point because i realised that being loved is a strength and power while loving someone is a great weakness.

2)name the first person who broke your heart.

My parents. Fuck them.

3) hiw many different best friends have you had?

Over a dozen by title, 3 that actually meant something

4) do you have a best friend?

Yes

5) do you have a specific talent?

The talent of being average. Im good at everything i try (except riding a bicycle)but im a jack of all trades, master of none

6)do you fit into any stereotypes?

Hmmm...don t think so. I guess depresses millenial/gen z kid?

7) sexuality

Confused mess

8) fav animal

Tarantula brachypelma, peacock spider, snakes, sloths....i love all animals more than people 😚💕

9)favourite pet names

Darling, pumpkin, asshole, the unknown material

10)what do you think love is....

WHAT IS LOVE? BABY DON'T HURT ME, DON'T HURT ME, NO MORE!

11)when did you discover your favourite band?

Hmmm 14, but last month i listened to palaye royale for the first time and i already know almost all their songs....still finding favourite bands

12) do you want to get married?

Ah, now this is important, see i am undifferent to it, i find the idea of parties and people repulsive and legal bindings are not the sort of bondage im into.....but...if against all odds someone i somehow really loved wanted to marry me i would fucking kill putin and make gay marriage legal for the person (or more reasonably just move to another country)

13) do you want to have kids?

I have a huuuuuge phobia of pregnancy and i have serious anger issues stemming from a meh childhood.. .i would fucking suck with children, but i think i could handle adopting a teen.

14) when did you have your first kiss?

Like for realsies like 2 and a half years ago (14 i believe, at a cinema, right next to a mutual best friend who didn t find out her friends were dating till like ages after, it s actually a hilarious story)

15) nope

16)have you been cheated on?

Technically no

17) how many times have you fallen in love?

Idk, twice romantically, and also back to like the first question, though it might not be defined as falling in love, i do love my best friend very much, like more than anyone else. this whole post is basically gonna be an ode to her.

18) have you ever rejected anyone?

I tend to get very violent and/ or cold towards people when they show me a smidgen of affection so never got the opportunity cause i scare em off....im surprised i even have good close friends.

19)have you ever cheated?

Omg....U CONFESS I CHEATED ON A HISTORY TEST ONCE BUT I FELT BAD AND MADE MISTAKES IN PURPOSE IM SORRYYY

relationships ..no

20) have you ever been in a ling distance relationship?

All of these do not really apply i dated someone once, it ended horribly, i think i just really wabted to answer the 2 i saw when i first looked through this. But i am a lass of great determination and i will do this

21) romantic or sexual aspects of relationship?

Ummm i prefer the aspect of having someone who gives a rats ass about you and who you give a rats ass about. But like. Sexual stuff is cool too, not gonna discredit that.

22)na

23)na

24) favourite thing about best friend?

Where do i even start? She s marvelous! She s incredibly smart, intelligent and she studies a lot. But she also has a great way with people. She s incredibly dimplomatic abd resppectable. She could be a world leader! But she s genuinely kind but not to a fault. Shes extremely trustworthy

However she s also very funny and cool and just a blast to hang out with. We re basically two sides of the same coin. The basics are similar (smart, hardworking, determined, sense if humour) but then she s just so much better than me at almost everything. She s brilliant.

25) do you want a significant other?

Idc about the label, i just want someone who i can trust and talk to about everything and vice versa, cause i don t like bothering my aforementioned best friend. She s too sweet and worries too much.

26)do you like anyone?

Yes, my 2 friends, my cat, and someone i barely ever talk to (also a couple of lovely people from this hellsite that im not tagging cause they ll be forced to try to figure out wher they re mentioned in this mess)

27) who was the last peraon you loved?

Well right now i love my friends and....ok i get that this is like a romantic question and as i said i had one shitty relationship that ruined a fucking awesome friendship, and though i still care about the person and xould talk to them, but it s just said. This whole topic is sad.

28)do you have a celebrity crush?

Though many celebrities are very attractive both inside and out i do not have crushes on them for i feel uncomfortable thinking that.

29)name a song that makes you want to fall in love?

Um....any song directed to someone else? If we re getting music into this i just want to violently sing my affection at someone. Especially ma cherie by palaye and the only hope for me is you by mcr and smithereens by top.....all of the emo bops

30) do you think you ll be happy later in life?

Hahahahahahah. Um...this hits too close to home. There are moments when im semi happy but...ye...i ve kinda been stuck with the same mood in the background for years and it isn t great. Here s to hoping it doesn t engulf me and that one day (hopefully soon) i won t be surrrounded by people i hate so much i gave my stomach erosions (not kidding, the doctor said it was stress making the burning sensations that s caused by stomach acid basically neating away at various areas inside the tum)

Heeey venting actually made me feel better! Like a bit.. Thank you @thegreenpea. Cause yes im making you scroll through all of this just to let you know that i do love you very much and i appreciate your existence and the moments whenever we talk :)

rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people tagged by @firebendingwolf thankss!! I am going to have so much fun answering these!
tagging: @windywriter, @cakeezz and whoever wants to do this! THE LAST · 1. drink: Water · 2. phone call: my mom! · 3. text message: my best friend 4. song you listened to: Nihils - Help Our Souls (not the remix tho) · 5. time you cried: Thursday · 6. dated someone: nope · 7. kissed someone and regretted it: for that to happen i would need to unlock the "kiss someone" feature lmao · 8. been cheated on: maybe? Betrayal doesn't only happen in the love field! · 9. lost someone special: yes · 10. Been depressed: uh, no? · 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: fuck no! 3 favourite colours · 12. blue · 13. orange · 14. green in the last year have you · 15. made new friends: yeah! · 16. fallen out of love: oui · 17. laughed until you cried: that's what i do on a daily basis lmao · 18. found out someone was talking about you: nope? · 19. met someone who changed you: i dont think so? · 20. found out who your friends are: i'm still trying to find them but every new year im almost sure of who my friends are · 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: hahahahahahahhaha no GENERAL · 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: eh some of them · 23. do you have any pets: i hAVE SHIRO my beautiful cat and i love him to death! · 24. do you want to change your name: not really · 25. what did you do for your last birthday: went to the pool and ate dinner at a tiny restaurant with my mom, some family I didn't know it existed and 2 friends · 26. what time did you wake up: 1pm · 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: fixing some stuff on my side blog · 28. name something you can’t wait for: my birthday tbh · 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: im seeing her right now 31. what are you listening to right now: nothing · 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: nah · 33. something that is getting on your nerves: tomorrow's camping · 34. most visited website: Tumblr, Twitter and youtube · 35. hair colour: Dark brown · 36. long or short hair: Short · 37. do you have a crush on someone: not now · 38. what do you like about yourself: i... don't know? · 39. piercings: noo · 40. blood type: O- · 41. nickname: bea · 42. relationship status: young aaaaaand singleeeeeeee! · 43. zodiac: leo · 44. pronouns: she/her · 45. favourite tv show: ml and voltron · 46. tattoos: I don't have any but i might get one, one day idk · 47. right or left handed: Right handed · 48. surgery: never had · 50. sport: karate! · 51. vacation: anywhere away from my problems would be nice! · 52. pair of trainers: all star! I love all star okay? Like 99% of my trainers are all star! MORE GENERAL · 53. eating: nothing · 54. drinking: nothing · 55. I’m about to: triple check my bag and go to sleep! · 56. waiting for: tomorrow! I am sorry but i am super excited for tomorrow's camping! · 57. want: right now nothing! · 58. get married: probably · 59. career: being a csi WHICH IS BETTER · 60. hugs or kisses: hugs · 61. lips or eyes: eyes · 62. shorter or taller: just a little bit taller, not too much · 63. older or younger: younger? · 64. nice arms or nice stomach: bro can I answer nice body? · 65. hook up or relationship: relationship! relationship! rELATIONSHIP! · 66. troublemaker or hesitant: im so hesitant that im hesitant of being hesitant lmao HAVE YOU EVER: · 67. kissed a stranger: no and why would i? · 68. drank hard liquor: I fucking hate liquor · 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: i dont wear glasses · 70. turned someone down: firstly i needed someone to ask me out lmao · 71. sex on the first date: wtf? nope! never! · 72. broken someone’s heart: no? I hope not! · 73. had your heart broken: yes · 74. been arrested: no · 75. cried when someone died: yes · 76. fallen for a friend: yes...? DO YOU BELIEVE IN: · 77. yourself: omg joke of the year hahahahahahah · 78. miracles: ye · 79. love at first sight: noo · 80. santa claus: nope · 81. kiss on the first date: it depends of maaany things · 82. angels: yes I believe in my angel joseph christiansen and if you don't believe in him as well you can go to hell :) (jk jk hahah) OTHER: · 84. eye colour: daaark brown · 85. favourite movie: I don’t have any

GOT TAGGED BY @kikyd AND @tandexx THANK YOU GUYS THE LAST 1. drink: lavender juice ? its weird, my mum makes it BUT ITS GOOD 2. phone call: um well lately the only person who is doing calls on my phone is my mum but the last call i did myself was with my best friend but that was also some days ago 3. text message: eurovision internet friends 4. song you listened to: ruelle - storm 
5. time you cried: idk a while ago 6. dated someone twice: i havent even dated someone once yet 7. kissed someone and regretted it: i havent even been kissed 8. been cheated on: ????? im only 13 soon goddamnit 9. lost someone special: 2 years ago 10. been depressed: not really 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: i'm not even allowed to drink alcohol 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS 12. navy 13. burgundy 14. some pastel purple maybe? IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. made new friends: yes 16. fallen out of love: i tried to get over celebrity (and actually one irl) crushes, i said TRYING 17. laughed until you cried: uncountable times 18. found out someone was talking about you: yeah but no big drama or something 19. met someone who changed you: i dont know, probably 20. found out who your friends are: yes 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: im not on facebook lololol GENERAL: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i still dont have an account there 23. do you have any pets: noo 24. do you want to change your name: yeah i dislike it 25. what did you do for your last birthday: i ate cake on my own and then went shopping with my sister lol 26. what time did you wake up: 12 lmao 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: listening to music, editing (even though i suck at it) 28. name something you can’t wait for: my birthday! less than a month wooo 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: 3 minutes ago she walked into my room lol 31. what are you listening to right now: karpe diem - sulten (arif cover) 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: no... 33. something that is getting on your nerves: bad wifi?? idk 34. most visited website: instagram, youtube and idk netflix maybe 35. hair colour: chocolate-ish brown 36. long or short hair: well i had waist-long hair until i cut it off almost a year ago, now my hair is some long bob ish mess 37. do you have a crush on someone: uncountable celebrity crushes 38. what do you like about yourself: legs, hair 39. piercings: i dont even have ear piercings hahahah 40. blood type: i think i'm A+ 41. nickname: bobs, bobsie, babs... 42. relationship status: single 43. zodiac: leo 44. pronouns: she 45. favourite tv show: omg friends, the vampire diaries, shadowhunters, gossip girl etc 46. tattoos: no??? 47. right or left handed: left!!!! im suffering 48. surgery: none 50. Sport: uM you mean watching right?? hahahahahahah 51. vacation: NORWAY!! always norway 52. pair of trainers: converse 53. eating: LASAGNE 54. drinking: surprisingly i love that lavender juice from my mum and its like the only thing we have at home lol 55. I’m about to: watch youtube videos or some show 56. waiting for: GOING ON HOLIDAYYYYY 57. want: to get better at playing guitar tbh 58. get married: someday but i still have time 59. career: absolutely no clue, something creative for sure WHICH IS BETTER: 60. hugs or kisses: HUGS 61. lips or eyes: eyes 62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: um idk 64. nice arms or nice stomach: stomach¿ 65. hookup or relationship: iM NOT EVEN 13 YET U GUYS 66. troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker HAVE YOU EVER: 67. kissed a stranger: no 68. drank hard liquor: no 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: i dont have either of them 70. turned someone down: not really?? 71. sex on the first date: im way too young to have sex?? 73. had your heart broken: no 74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: yes 76. fallen for a friend: no DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: depends 78. miracles: no 79. love at first sight: yeah 80. santa claus: nei 81. kiss on the first date: idk maybe? 82. angels: no OTHER: 84. eye colour: brown - green 85. favourite movie: im not a movie person???? idk paper towns

im scared about what i’ll do

you know its messed up that i watch a documentary on the columbine killers and i actually relate to them. i think alot of people overlook the fact that sometimes when everything becomes pointless it just comes down to what that individual will find fun. i think that bullying and envirionmental conditions for the shooting for a catalyst for their nihlistic outlook on life. but when nothing matters because you have no hope sometimes the reason for things is just why not.

i want to genuinely care about people. i really do. but i dont think i ‘ve felt happiness in my life. i mean thats obviously a lie, but who cares. i want people to actually about me. everyone just seems so distant, i just feel so disconnected to humanity. i feel like my only hope is to satisfy my human and material desires. theres no meaning to anything that i want to do. i want there to be something meaningful that i can achieve. but how can anything be meaningful in a world where nothing means anything? why does it feel like i dont have any friends when i have friends? why does it feel like no one cares when my mom and grandma love my alot. i think i want to do something for the people in my life who’ve sacrificed so much for me. 

yeah.

i think thats the way to think about it, my mom is smart she spent so much money and sacrificed so much to have me as a child and she has so much hope in me, i cant let her down, she means so much to me and if i let her down i dont think i’ll ever forgive myself. 

i feel alot better now

thanks mum <3

ill achieve what you want me to be, i dont know you want me to do the things you want me to do, but i dont care atleast i can think about you when im wokring hard at it.

i just want to have some hope and i dont care how false it is. and you know today i’ve been having this pain my heart and its finally fading.

you know recvently i’ve feeling like love means nothing and doens’t exist.

but i know my mom loves me thats the only explanationf or the things that she does for me. and i love her for that.

i really really really really do.

(joke) this almost feels like Oedipus complex

i just want someone to love me i want someone to work for, i dont care about my life enough.

someone give me hope please. i’m missing it right now. why cant i wake up everyday and be ready to do something i believe in? i dont belieeve in anything i dont think i can and i think dont there’ll ever exist such a thing.

im weak. i want to be strong i want to be confident in my life and in myself. why do i feel so fucking empty? i hung out the whole day wiht my firends and i still fucking empty why?

anyway im gonna add some tags to this post. maybe someone will want to be help me hahahahahahah i doubt it. no one my real life can see the pain is real and its not just something i joke about. no one cares. i could die tomorrow and i would make just as much impact as if i died in 50 years.

i want to cope xd

anyway, i hope when i die hopefully soon, that people can be nice. i want people to be nice. i want to be nice. i want to feel wholesome. but i feel like that world just doesn’t exist. how can wholesomeness exis tin a where with beings that are naturally egotistical and meaningless. 

there is no meaning with a universe of plain chaos.

were not special, were simply part of that chaos.

theres no meaning in that chaos

theres no meaning in us.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that main my chest is pain.

i legitimately feel a tightness in my chest right now.

how intersting.....

i just want to be feel alive.