I haven’t posted in a hot minute. Happy (late) new year.

(Reblog this. please.)

Getting to know me :D

1. What is you middle name? I don’t have one. I think this question is thought for American people, because almost all of them have one, right? 2. How old are you? 23. 3. When is your birthday? March 2. 4. What is your zodiac sign? Piscis <3 5. What is your favorite color? Sweet, light pink 💗 6. What’s your lucky number? 13, surprisingly, but not my fav one. 7. Do you have any pets? No. 8. Where are you from? Spain. 9. How tall are you? 1’56-7 m. 10. What shoe size are you? Ummm, it depends on the shoes, but 37-8 normally. 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? About 10 or so. 12. What was your last dream about? Me peacefully talking with a kid while he draws in class. 13. What talents do you have? I think I can read people’s feelings and reflect about human’s condition pretty well. I can also draw in manga style (not a pro, though, but I love it). 14. Are you psychic in any way? Yes LOL. 15. Favorite song? “Stay the Same”, by Mai-K <3 16. Favorite movie? This one is difficult af, I don’t think I have one yet. 17. Who would be your ideal partner? WOW. Like… idk??? Someone really dreamy and encouraging. Empathetic, I don’t ask for him to understand me, but VALIDATING me/my values/ideals is a must. 18. Do you want children? Yes :) 19. Do you want a church wedding? No… I prefer a “castle” wedding. I’m very romantic in that aspect and, well, dreaming is free :’) 20. Are you religious? Not really… but I’m very spiritual/intrinsec and I respect everyone’s religious believings as long as they’re not dangerous for someone else. 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Yes. Not like hospitalized, but I have been there. 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? Never, not really planning to. 23. Have you ever met any celebrities? If a voice actor of my country ora n idol counts, yes :’) 24. Baths or showers? Baths, so relaxing <3 25. What color socks are you wearing? A brownish-pink colour J 26. Have you ever been famous? No, not that I’m planning to. 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? NO. 28. What type of music do you like? Many different kinds, but pop and j-pop anime songs are my favourite and what I listen to daily. 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Umm, nope. 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? A big one <3 (so comfy >-<) 31. What position do you usually sleep in? Either cudlle up like a burrito roll or spread up lol. 32. How big is your house? Not so much. We had a BIG chalet before but lost it because of the crisis. Now my family and I live in an ordinary, cutely little, flat <3. 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Cola-cao with cereals/toasts with butter and jam. Ñaaam 😋 34. Have you ever fired a gun? NO. Again, not that I want to… 35. Have you ever tried archery? No, but I’d like to try it al least once. I’d probably suck at it though 😂 36. Favorite clean word? Mm… don’t know D: Probably a cute japanese one ‘cause otaku life (2 dedos). 37. Favorite swear word? Whoa, I don’t think I should answer this xD 38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? A whole night, and I don’t recomend anyone, honestly. 39. Do you have any scars? A tiiiiny one on my knee, but nothing serious as to name it “scar”, I guess (children’s playful life c:) 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? Uumm… I don’t know, maybe? I had a guy who told me he had been trying to find me for 6 years after I moved the first time, but hat only got me scared, so… xD 41. Are you a good liar? NO. OMG no x’DD But I treasure that about me, you freaking dirty society :c 42. Are you a good judge of character? YES. Usually I am. 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? I suppose, but I don’t know if I imitate them well or not though ^^’ Sorry for that u.u 44. Do you have a strong accent? No. Not that I think. 45. What is your favorite accent? Uffff. In my country there are so many accents I like. The Andalusian one, the one of Extremadura… xD don’t know if those count. 46. What is your personality type? Type, like, in MBTI? INFP 💙🧡💚💗💖 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? Umm, I don’t remember… 48. Can you curl your tongue? I think I can’t xD 49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie xD I don’t get why, but I feel awkward about this x’DD 50. Left or right handed? Right-handed. 51. Are you scared of spiders? YES. Any insect really. 52. Favorite food? Don’t have ONE, but my favourite ones are “mixed” food (sorry, I don’t know how to name them, but I refer to foods made with a great amount of ingredients: paella, Spain stew, Russian salad, rice with lobster or Chinish fried rice) I’m seriously getting hungry now x). 53. Favorite foreign food? CHINESE FRIED RICE (“Arroz 3 delicias” in spanich, if you know what I mean :’)) 54. Are you a clean or messy person? Cleanly messy?. I can find anything in my own mess and I feel good about it. Though I can’t stand other people’s mess, I guess I just feel control over my mess (?). 55. Most used phrased? I don’t know really D’: “How can this be so cute?!!”? 56. Most used word? Kawaii. I love all fluffy, cute characters, persons, animals, objects, moments or whatever thing it is. Sorry, not sorry. 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 30-40 min. normally. 58. Do you have much of an ego? Not an arrogant ego, but I totally respect everyone’s honour because I hate feeling humiliated. And I have a say in that… 59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Suck them then bite them? 60. Do you talk to yourself? YES. Sorry not sorry. It helps organazing your mind. 61. Do you sing to yourself? ALSO YES. I sing every single of the day, practically xD I’m usually at home, listening to music in my PC.

62. Are you a good singer? As I said, I enjoy it, but I don’t sing well, so I’m not doing this publicly if it’s not with people I trust, and even then...

63. Biggest Fear? To die alone not prepared for it as I realice I didn’t live my way. And to be constantly critized by society. Why can’t I live my life freely?! 64. Are you a gossip? I hate it but like the 80% of my whole family is. So many times it’s very difficult not to be. I hate criticisms and don’t feel well recieving so I don’t want to be like this. I’m working about it now :c 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? Mmm… don’t remember L 66. Do you like long or short hair? Both. I have it shoulder-leight right now :D 67. Can you name all 50 states of America? No xD Not good with geography… if it’s Japan, then… 😝 68. Favorite school subject? Music/art. I enjoyed Language too. But my favourite ever was PHILSOPHY. 69. Extrovert or Introvert? Introvert. INFP, remember? ^^ 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No, but I’d love it too! :D I’m afraid of sharks, though, not sure if that’s actually a problem… (think) 71. What makes you nervous? SO. MANY. THINGS. I’m a little too much shy, so formalities/awkward social situations are the worst… terror and scary things, not feeling confident… normal things, I guess. It’s pretty easy to make me jump out of fright LOL 72. Are you scared of the dark? Only if I’m alone and not feeling well. 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Yes… sorry about that :c I like being corrected if I need to, though, so feel free to tell me so that I can improve myself J 74. Are you ticklish? OMG. I don’t want to answer this xD Yes, but it’s embarrasing. Shhh… >-< 75. Have you ever started a rumor? No. I’ve never thought about it, but they usually turn bad/worse, o… I don’t feel like hurting someone else’s feelings just ‘cause I can, thank you very much. 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? Yes, as a Preschool Teacher on practics, only J Though I’m not good with authority stuff xD 77. Have you ever drank underage? NO. Still don’t, and I don’t plan to, at least for the moment. 78. Have you ever done drugs? NO. Same as before. 79. Who was your first real crush? A high-school classmate. I’ve not fallen in love since then, btw. 80. How many piercings do you have? None. 81. Can you roll your Rs? Yes, I’m Spanish, so I’ll think of this as if I’m good with other languages’ diction. Yes, I am  x) 82. How fast can you type? I guess fast enough? 83. How fast can you run? Not much, I guess. Never good with P.E. :’) 84. What color is your hair? Brown. 85. What color is your eyes? Greenish brown (?) 86. What are you allergic to? I don’t know, I never did the allergy tests because our Sanity is so good  they never gave me an appointment ot it even if my family asked for it :’) 87. Do you keep a journal? No, but I’d like to. 88. What do your parents do? Jobs? My father’s tiler (?) and my mother “works at home” (I don’t like the “housewife” term). 89. Do you like your age? I… guess? I have had quite a number of existencial crsis already, but I want to enjoy the present and work on as many projects I can in life, so… 90. What makes you angry? MANY THINGS ABOUT THIS WORLD. Ass/arrogant people, cruelty, society giving pressure to our individual needs, … 91. Do you like your own name? Yes J It’s an ordinary one, but not that ordinary, and it’s kinda “beautiful”, I think (?) (like, it sounds good and I like it written too. There are words I just like, and there are researchs about synesthetic people, if you wanna try a look). 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? YES. For a girl, it’ll be Sakura or Hikari. If it’s a boy, I don’t know yet, but might be something related to Luffy, as the name of an Spanish youtuber (Lutffi, and yes he’s aware of the character, and no it wasn’t on purpose lol). I’m a weeb, aren’t I? Sorry ‘bout that >o< 93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? I don’t  know. I always wanted a girl, but now I’m starting to like the idea of a couple like siblings… 94. What are you strengths? Emm. I think I have great empathy, are good with psycological aspects and very flexible/open-minded. I like to try new things. 95. What are your weaknesses?Pysic aspects, not good with formalities and kinda socially awkward… I’m not a good at organizing (but I’m getting better) nor with  routines… 96. How did you get your name? My mother named me? xD 97. Were your ancestors royalty? No, I don’t think so xD. And NO, I don’t want to :( 98. Do you have any scars? What? Again? It’s a mistake, right? :o 99. Color of your bedspread? Many bright colors xD (light, not “shiny” though) 100. Color of your room? Purple and light pink.

PD: Sorry, I’m not really an interesting peroson, but I can’t help sharing this tests, I love doing them x)

*sigh* I have to keep reminding myself not to be That Kid. I mean, I loved a few musicals back in high school (I was that rare kid in all the plays and musicals who wasn’t actually in a theater class, just chorus), but I also remember - even then - feeling so out of my depth with the sheer number of musicals out there, and feeling frustrated and left out because I just didn’t have the energy, the focus, the time to look all of them up. This is why I am always wary of the whole Broadway Fandom thing. Things move too fast for me to keep up, with new shows popping up constantly (not to mention a seemingly endless pool of older shows) and not enough time/energy/focus -- essentially not enough of me -- to learn them.

Story time! [Apologies, I’ve lately taken to treating this blog as... more of a blog? Like not just for reblogs, but for action journal-style entries about my life? Feel free to bail, this is mostly self-reflection.]

As previously stated, I was a theater kid in high school. I loved being on stage, I loved the community built up around a show, but I wasn’t a real theater kid, cause I wasn’t in the every day classes. You’d think this wouldn’t be a big deal. But, y’know-- high school. Luckily I had chorus, and I was exceptionally active in that. But my schedule didn’t allow me to take the academic classes and arts classes I wanted to take, so I chose fashion design over theater and I was super happy with that decision.

And then came the Big Dramatic Huge Deal For Depressed Me at the end of my senior year when I had my final showcase for fashion design which involved managing a team of assistants to create x number of outfits for a final fashion show. This was going to be around the same time as the last show of the year. I’d gone 7/7 being in every mainstage show in high school (two a year, the first three and a half years of high school), I felt super close to all my theater friends, but there was no possible way I’d be able to do both things, and I’d already applied to school for fashion design, and this was a class, I couldn’t just blow it off, it was a big deal and it would be a showcase in front of an audience of peers and family and friends and teachers etc. So I missed out on the last show. And let me tell you, I didn’t realize how much I would miss it.

Not the process of being in a show - I was way too busy, and way too ADHD to have the presence of mind to think about it while I was trying to get my showcase work done - but the,.. maybe the community? I don’t remember feeling any kind of loneliness before the show happened, though my memory (as previously stated) is crap. I just remember attending the show - alone - and having a great time and cheering people on, but being seated in the audience with empty chairs on either side (that one slow sunday matinee, I think? did we have those? or maybe I’m just misremembering, like I said, my memory is crap; maybe I wasn’t actually alone, I just didn’t know who I was seated beside). And I remember afterward, greeting my friends in the hall where everyone was doing the standard congratulations and just having these people who’d I’d thought I’d been so close to basically ignore me. It was... pretty awful.

And yeah, okay, it was high school, I was a moody teen, etc. etc. but even thinking about it still makes me really emotional. There was this visceral overwhelming feeling of loneliness and maybe betrayal and some element of crisis, disconnectedness (not helped by the fact that minor friendship dramatics in middle school started my whole depression thing), and -- oh, also, that person who I mentioned before, the one who threatened to kill himself? He was a techie. He worked the show. I may have possibly felt a little uncomfortable hanging around too long in case I’d run into him, may have felt alienated from the group when my friends took his side in a disagreement no one knew we were having (not even him, probably). And I’m fairly sure my memory is correct that that sparked one of the worst breakdowns of my high school career. I don’t think it was one of the Active ones (pretty sure it wasn’t that time I overdosed on otc pain meds or the time I briefly thought of hanging myself), but it was definitely a ‘wrap myself in a comforter and listen to Blue October and bawl my eyes out because no one cares about me’ kind of breakdown.

The more I think about it, and how awful it felt, the more impressed I am that the next year (or the year after?) I decided to go to another show. Of course, this was after I dropped out of college. And I brought friends for support (and y’know what, that was a good choice. I needed people there to talk to, people who I knew, so I wasn’t going alone). And the more I think of it the more I realize that, fuck -- props to me for being okay being alone, with the sheer amount of stress, anxiety, depression I’ve had centering around friendships and my inability to maintain lasting ones. Good on me for spending two years attending Capitol Fringe completely alone, attending show upon show alone, having the courage to put myself out there and try to make friendly acquaintances in an environment where everyone had their groups or duos or whatever. Like, I may be lonely but fuck if I’m gonna let myself come across as that creep in the corner of the tent bar. Sure, maybe I’ll keep my resting bitch face walking the streets of DC, but on fringe fest grounds I was giving out stickers and being really goddamn sociable. Good for me. Fight self-consciousness with aggressive sociability.

Anyway...

Yeah this... this got way off the rails.

My point is that I’m doing that thing where I’m getting into a thing (Hadestown) and I have these opposing sides in me because 1) I really really like this music - this show - but 2) I am really fucking intimidated by these teenage Broadway aficionados who know all this shit about casts and are name dropping all these shows I’ve only heard of (or never heard of) and fuck there are so many and it’s so overwhelming and fuck I forgot how much DRAMA is in drama, shit, y’all are vicious about people deserving one thing or another, like please lets just enjoy things for the sake of enjoying things, so 3) the more I try to explore this the more I keep running into posts that are somehow stirring up all this anxiety in me over ridiculously stupid things (yes, musicals are stupid. the concept of music, theater, and musical theater is not -- the idea that music/theater/musical theater can have such a profound impact on people is most definitely not stupid. but each individual musical, to me, a person who has not heard nor seen nor been involved in most of these shows, is a stupid thing to fix on as an annoyance. my point is not that musicals are stupid but that my own reaction to them is occasionally nonsensical. or something. idk, I’m rambling. whatever.)

I dunno. This ended up getting muddled. I’m just frustrated, is the point. That this thing that I enjoy has become tainted by this shitty experience from way back when and the intimidation I feel around an environment I used to consider my home.

Also I’m sorry if I post over enthusiastically about a musical. Please do not mistake me for a member of the broadway fandom. Please do not engage with me as a member of the broadway fandom cause I’ll be way out of my depth, overwhelmed, and - depending on my state of mind - will either be a) happy go lucky and clueless, shrug, and say ‘sounds cool’ or b) get immediately overwhelmed and have fuckin flashbacks to this shit from high school. Please don’t recommend things to me because I just can’t process things that quickly and there’s just too much out there.

And jesus fuck, for a person who considered their high school years pretty good they sure fucked me up over stupid things, eh?