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pertinax--loculos · 5 months

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November

So, as it turns out, November went quite well for me.

My original goal was to do @winterandwords's CalmWriMo, with the goal of getting some words down and establishing a writing habit with my new job. The start of the month it didn't look like that was going to happen. The new job is kinda overwhelming with study (long story), and I just didn't have the brainpower to do anything else.

Then, on the 18th, I got hit with some inspiration for INUNDATE. And I decided fuck it, I'll jot down that scene, because I've lost a lot of ideas for that WIP from not writing them down when I think of them.

Then I continued jotting down scenes, and I ended November having added a total of 28,600 words to INUNDATE.

Which is fantastic. I'm not gonna lie, study did kinda fall by the wayside in favour of writing, but it's been a couple of weeks where that's not the end of the world. Going forward, I'd like to try and prioritise study a little more; probably do some writing straight after work, have a break, and then get into going over what I've learned for my job during the day.

There's also the small problem that yesterday I was fucking whacked with inspiration for a new WIP (my ultimate curse D:). So it's possible I'm gonna start writing that -- though at the moment it's all Vibes(TM) with absolutely no thought of any sort of plot. But they are, like, super cool vibes, so I'll just see what happens. I have an assessment on Monday regarding the stuff I should've been learning when I was writing rather than studying, so after a weekend of study we'll see how I go and whether or not what I've been doing is sustainable alongside the training of my new career.

(This past week has been a sorta follow-along with qualified employees; like A Week in the Life of what would happen if we pass the training. And that life is very conducive towards writing. Which is exciting. But I have to pass the damn assessments to get there, so, y'know, priorities.)

I will say that it being NaNo month definitely made a difference -- there was a few days this week where I could've not written, but knowing that I was adding words to a total I hoped would be pretty good for starting ~twelve days before the deadline was certainly motivating. I do love the NaNoWriMo energy, even if I very rarely ~technically~ participate.

But yeah, generally speaking, November was a success. I'm really glad I got some words down, including some plotting stuff for INUNDATE.

(INUNDATE in itself is an interesting WIP -- it's basically a romance story, but it only covers like the first two-thirds of the beats of a romance, because the other third occurs during CASCADE. So it's been a fun exercise to write, but I don't think it'll ever be properly, like, 'marketable', because it's so intertwined with another WIP/story and you don't get the conclusion until you read that (notably unfinished) WIP.)

But anyway! I hope everybody else had a good November -- whether or not you were participating in NaNoWriMo, whether or not you're in my hemisphere and enjoying the turn towards warmer weather, whether or not life is treating you well. With any luck I'll be able to be on here a little more often as we head into the new year (which, btw, it's December which is fucking terrifying). But even if I'm not, I'm always thinking of you guys, and almost always lurking to see what you're up to. ;)

#pockets muses IRL #pockets muses IWL #WIP: INUNDATE #<- i don't think i actually have that tag as of yet #and knowing me and this new fucking idea i'll use it this one time and not use it again for months #oh well #thinking of everyone #and always here in the background watching and cheering from the sidelines #love you all

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the-darklings · 3 years

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coa one year later & self-reflection

(*drags out a creaky metal chair and plops down on it heavily*)

Hi. It’s me, ya boi skinny--

Wait, wrong one. Do over.

Hi, it’s me, Kat, and I’m not dead. Clearly. Today being one year anniversary of COA has kinda put me in a reflective mood, so I guess I decided to sit down and just...talk about some things, thoughts and feelings I’ve been bottling inside for a hot sec. Especially given how radio silent I have gone on here and people deserve a bit of perspective.

And before anyone starts worrying, it’s all good, and I’m still around and currently in good health for the most part.

So, let’s take it back to the start. Regardless of how dramatic it may sound, we need to go back a year for that.

By technicality alone, COA actually turned one year old on October 12th. That’s when the first part was posted. However, the reason I’m treating today as the aforementioned birthday is simple: I had no intention of this story ever being more than a short two-parter. I told this to the discord gang already but COA was only going to have two parts. V was going to die in Tokyo and the rest of the story follows glimpses of John throughout the movies and it’s her ghost that haunts him. Skipping ahead, it was going to have a bittersweet ending of John eventually dying, having completed his task, only to be greeted by V, Daisy and Helen in the afterlife. A peace of sorts. Then, I realised that, well, no. I have more to say on this world and intrigue about this placeholder character V kept growing.

November 1st happened and I made a very last minute call to continue COA but with the added pressure of doing it during NaNoWriMo 2019. And boy did I. Most of the story was figured out during that very intense month. I posted Part 2 on this day a year ago because I was so eager to share it. Perhaps, in retrospect, a bit too eager.

For those of you who may not know this, I work as a writer full time for my actual every day job. I’m the main writer for an original webcomic called In the Bleak Midwinter on Webtoon.com and have been for almost two years now. Getting what is essentially your dream job is amazing. I’m very lucky on that front but it also taught me stark realities of having your job and only hobby overlap. It’s a dangerous creative mix. Especially because I was not used to being constraint in what I create or the feeling like I have to please anyone else. Writing as a job is a whole other avenue of creative exhaustion. I love my job a lot and am very, very lucky to have it but it doesn’t change the fact that those initial stages made me fall back on COA a lot for creative freedom that I craved so desperately. To an unhealthy degree looking back on it now.

But going back to November last year. NaNo time. I did it. Finished on the 24/25th I believe. A juicy final count of 52k+. All while maintaining a weekly update schedule for a fic that usually hit around 10k per update, if not more, even during those early days. Add writing an original story on top of that. Writing every day for hours on end (we are talking 10-12hr days) without any time for other hobbies or time for myself in general. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Losing weight and sleep in the process. I think the thing that convinced me that I should continue doing so is the fact that the outpour of support for COA ended up surpassing anything I ever expected or even dared to hope for. I’m not a huge numbers person but the outpour of love and just sheer investment in the story and characters blew me away. John Wick fandom is on the smaller side and has been going through downtime when I posted COA so my expectations were...well, small tbh. I like keeping expectations low to avoid any disappointments in general. But I’ve also always had an issue of being a massive 0 or 100 kind of person. If I love something, it consumes me. In this case, it brought me as much joy and freedom as much as it was steadily pushing me towards the ultimate crash.

That being said, I can’t thank you all enough for every comment, like, reblog and message and fanart. You’re the reason I got this far. With your support. It brightened some really dark days for me.

But.

To be frank, it’s never been about you guys. I never wrote or pushed because I felt like I had to appease anyone. That creative mindset is pure poison and I long since learned to let go of it. I kept pushing and kept working myself to the bone because I liked it. I liked how reading peoples’ responses made me feel. I liked the addictive nature of reading all the comments and theories after an update. I loved the idea of brightening peoples’ days and giving them something to cheer them up after what might have been a shitty day. Even if that was at expense of my own time/well being. But for a long time, it wasn’t. I love writing a lot but facts remain facts.

It was beyond unhealthy and burnout wasn’t a question of if but when and that when was approaching at neck-breaking speed.

So we come to the end of November. Part 4 has just come out. People were invested and I was invested alongside them. I was just finishing up Part 5 which (back then) was the biggest single chapter I’ve ever written and god I still recall my sheer dread because that was the beginning of Santino being established as a LI. Looking back on that now, it’s downright hilarious how worried I was about the reception of him and V together after John.

So honestly, I hit burnout at around Part 8. Because that’s the first time I recall struggling with writing a chapter. Part 8 came out on December 28th. I had a brief break for holidays. But my mistake was not taking longer back then. Because I continued writing with a barely healed burnout. Followed by almost a year of struggling and continuously creating through that state. It wasn’t like I eased off the pressure, either. Oh, no. The chapters grew in size, the world and the characters with it. AUs amassed quickly and while I adore every single one - again, I didn’t know how to pace myself well enough.

I’m spiteful though. The more the chapters struggled the more I pushed against the burnout. By the time Chicago arrived, however, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up writing 43k+ in a span of 2 months, I believe. And while to some it may not seem like a lot given the time frame, it’s a lot when you’re burnout to a crisp & writing an original story for work + deadlines. Which I was burned out and then some. Chicago was something I was looking forward to writing for months. I have built it up since Part 4. It was a long time coming. So while I’m still proud of it, I would be lying if I said that some scenes were not sacrificed for the sake of keeping to my invisible schedule that no one but me actually cared about. You guys have always been patient. I never felt pushed into anything. It’s always only ever been me doing the harm.

Chicago was the downwards spiral for me mentally. I felt like I was failing to live up to my own expectations. That people were drifting away from it. I was plagued by the thought that the story I poured so much into was falling apart and growing weaker. Which this has always been an issue with me: I am my own harshest critic. Always have been. In fact, I’m a downright mean little fucker when it comes to just tearing at myself. I know writing is for fun - and it is - but I still like the idea of being proud of my work which only made everything worse despite the love each update received.

This takes us to the beginning of June. Specifically, June the 2nd. Or, as I like to call it: Kat Makes Another Impulsive Decision but This One Actually Works Out For the Better. On this day, I created the COA Discord server. And damn, I’m not sure what exactly I was expecting when I did ngl. I did it for fun and as an escape more so than anything. But somehow it ended up being the best decision I made in a long while. I know some of you are reading this. So love you lots, dorks. It’s such a privilege to be able to call so many of you my friends even outside of COA now. That little community has given me some of the best memories from this year and helped me to crawl out of my own metaphorical pit I was stuck in. Mentally, I’m doing much better than I did beginning of this summer. Which could be summed up as a constant self-hatred cycle and a feeling of inadequacy.

That, however, does not mean my burnout magically disappeared. If anything Chapter 17 just put a nail in the coffin so to speak. 2020 has been a shitty year just across the board for obvious reasons I don’t need to go into here but that can only partially be attributed to my mental state. Chapter 17 was...exhaustive. To say the least. But I was determined to stick with my vision and not split it up. I was also starting to be a bit more forgiving towards myself in terms of how long I may take to write it thanks to guys on discord though the feeling of failure and worry never quite faded fully. I’m proud of Part 17. Truly. But that was also when I hit rock bottom creatively on COA. It drained me completely.

I tried writing Part 18 for weeks after, day in and day out, not getting past the first scene and hating every word I wrote. So I took a deep breath and stopped. Figured I let it marinate and wait instead of trying to piece one of the most crucial chapters in this story like some Frankenstein monster two sentences at the time.

So my solution was simple: give myself some distance from it and write other things. Get my spark back. Of course that’s always a good idea. Having multiple creative escapes is the best thing you can do for yourself creatively. There was just one tiny little problem.

I was still burned out. Still am. The problem went deeper than just being burned out over COA. I was burned out over writing itself.

Which is an issue for a person who only has writing as a creative outlet.

I don’t have any other way to express myself. So I was stuck in a runt, trying to write because it’s the only thing that makes me genuinely happy even when I really shouldn’t have. And let me tell you. It’s a shitty fucking feeling. My burnout worsened. I had a thousand ideas but every time I tried to get them down it felt forced, fragmented, and weak. Repetitive and dry. Now, this is also in part because English isn’t my native language, so my vocab is limited as a result, but I hit that sweet rock bottom in that regard, too.

So, I worked on V (but in her OC form Clara), Lucien and The Elites. All those characters have grown so much since you last read about them. I have multiple original projects planned down the line that will feature all of them existing in their own world, with their own stories and no longer constrained by JW canon.

Which, finally, takes us to the end of October and beginning of November 2020.

I was convinced that the best course of action was to do NaNo again but with an original story this time (involving V). Suffice to say, it took a grand total of maybe 5-6 days and hating every second of writing it while also feeling like this project I’m so passionate and excited to write (still am) is just...going down the toilet to be blunt, to realise I may have made the wrong call.

Still, the stubborn ass that I am, I pushed through. Convinced I can get into it if I just keep going. The realizations that I am sharing with you right now won’t have been possible if it hadn’t been for a rather curious turn of events about a week and a half ago.

I recently bought a gaming laptop, all in preparation for Cyberpunk 2077 dropping ofc. But, in the meantime, I kept recommending a game to a friend on the COA server. That game? Far Cry 5. (It’s a blast to play btw, just a side note.) And playing it brought back all the feelings of nostalgia from the days when I used to write for that fandom. So I revisited some old work. Checked the stuff I never published and that has been sitting ducks in my docs for months and hoo boy. Let me tell you it was a vibe check of the worst kind.

The stark difference in the prose and the ease with which it flowed was...startling. It made me remember why I love writing so much and how proud I used to be of what I wrote back in the day. Which is not to say I’m not proud now, but it was just such a sharp dip in quality it was impossible to ignore.

So I didn’t.

I paused NaNo, moving it to another month. I paused writing for everything but work, which with our season coming to an end I will also get a rest from soon, too. I kinda paused in general. For the first time in a while, I finally forced myself to switch off. Rest.

The reason why I haven’t been on here is simple: guilt and not having energy to be on here. I like making my blog a safe space for everyone. Similar to escape it has become for me. I couldn’t pretend I was fine when I wasn’t. I felt obliged to perform and being here became exhausting. I haven’t been checking my inbox. Haven’t done much of anything except occasionally dropping by and reblogging a random post so people know I’m alive.

And that’s that, folks. That’s where I am currently. Resting. Completely exhausted mentally but resting. Getting my energy back.

So where does that leave us, huh? If you read this far, dunno what to tell you. Thanks, I suppose. It’s still odd to think people actually care about my existence sometimes.

I know what you’re likely thinking, too. So does this mean COA is never gonna be finished? What is gonna happen to it? Are you abandoning it?

The answer: no. 17 out of 25 chapters and 250k+ in, I’m too far in not to give it a proper conclusion. Not because I owe it to anyone other than myself. I want this story to be a stepping stone for my future as a writer. I want to prove to myself that I can get this done and finish it. As of right now (as you can no doubt tell with how long it’s been since last update) it’s on a soft hiatus while I rest. This rest? Not sure how long it may last. Right now, my plan is till mid December at which point I will reevaluate. Ideally, I finish the year with an update. But my New Year’s resolution is to finish COA. That timeline has become a little more murky now but, again, ideally it’s within the first quarter of 2021. Will that happen? I don’t know. And I don’t want to make false promises, either.

All I’m saying is that it will be done. I’m just no longer sure how long, exactly, it may take me to reach that Epilogue. I don’t expect many people to stick around for however long it may take me, but if you do, thank you. Truly. I really and deeply mean that.

So what’s on the cards for this blog in the meantime? Well, CP77 is coming out in under a month (if it doesn’t get moved again lmao rip) and I expect that to be my soft return to posting my writing on here again. We will see where the muse takes me, if at all. Regardless though, I’m excited.

One doctorate thesis later, here we are at the end of this really long rambling session. I hope that this has given you some perspective on things going on behind the scenes. I spared you some of the gorier details but I think this post has been long overdue. I suppose I, myself, was just too unwilling to face these things despite knowing about them deep down for a while now. I’m too self-critical not to notice but acting on correcting this behavior has been a whole other matter clearly.

Thank you for reading this post, my writing in general, and supporting me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still around. More is on the way in the future. I’ll be seeing you all real soon. And all my love to all of you.

Love,

- Kat.

#kat speaks #blog psa #i suppose

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nadunacreates · 4 years

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NANOWRIMO 2019 • TOTAL ROUNDUP & STATS

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TOTAL WORDS: 62′668 MOST WRITTEN IN ONE DAY: 7’414 (day ten, right after a write-in) LEAST WRITTEN IN ONE DAY: 21 (day twenty-nine, right before a write-in) AVERAGE WRITTEN IN ONE DAY: 2’088 (according to the nano website at least…)

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PLAYLISTS I MADE AND LISTENED TO WHILE WRITING AND DAYDREAMING

heroes bleed red • writing mood (for general scenes, action and emotions)

heroes bleed red • bones break (supposed to be the angsty playlist for when bones and hearts break; betrayal and hurt, when trust gets broken and you’re left bleeding)

heroes bleed red • hearts heal (the one i initially started out with, but then added more and more songs that only fit for the comfort mood and not really the rest of things, so)

important to note here: i don’t really listen to music? like, i don’t hear the words and decide that yes they fit for a particular playlist, most often i have no clue what is being sung about. it’s more about the tone of voice and the atmosphere of the song? idk, i’m weird like that

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more below, including stats and future plans

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ABOUT THE WIP

current total word count: 62’956 characters: 350’516 pages: 220 (all these are according to scrivener) current word count goal: 180’000 current self-imposed deadline: end of april, 2020

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RAMBLING & FUTURE PLANS

the regional write-ins in zurich, switzerland, really have been my saving grace this november. without them, i wouldn’t be nearly where i am at right now. i would have given up on this long ago, especially after i really struggled in the last week.

in the hopes of not giving up on this story the way i did with last year’s nano project i’m going to try meet up with some of the same people throughout the year and get these damn words out, keep the motivation up. i’m gonna try be more active on here as well, help us writeblrs motivate each other and maybe join a discord or two. because even though this first draft is far from ready to be read by anyone i do hope to be able to pick up on some better writing techniques along the way, sharpen my outlining (and sticking to those outlines) skills, and get comfortable in my writing again. it often felt stilted and awkward during this month, but once or twice i got into the kind of head-space that really lets the words flow and lets me actually like what i wrote, which is… something that doesn’t happen often, let me tell you.

but. despite it all and my own constant procrastination, i do not want to give up on this story. i finally want to get to the point where i can put THE END under a piece of writing and feel like i accomplished something, even if it’s just a self-indulgent story written for myself.

(and if any one of you feels like i don’t post enough content or that i’ve been absent for a while now - do feel free to come kick my butt. i’ll appreciate it. and if you’ve got any questions, feel free to ask! i’ll be happy to answer them, even if it might take a few days to get around to it, because i’m just horrible at time management and i always feel like i’m gonna say (or write) the exact wrong thing when i’m communicating with actual people on here and not just screaming into the void as i do with these kinds of roundup posts.)

some final words: THANK GOD IT’S OVER, but it was also really great? i really like nano as a way to challenge myself, and even though i haven’t interacted with as many of you guys as i wanted to, during this month, i really feel like this whole community is something i’ve really grown to like and want to take a more active part in (as soon as i manage to get off my ass and do these things, of course.)

#wip: heroes bleed red #nano 2019 #writeblr #wip progress #nanowrimo #nanowrimo 2019 #i'm bad at doing these kinds of posts #i am hella proud of my overall progress though #i didn't think i'd get anywhere close to this #it definitely was a success!#and i wrote every day #now i just have to keep the habit up!#here's hoping #naduna rambles #oh and as for further future plans: i’ve discovered the fluffcember prompts yesterday #hopefully i’ll manage to fill a few of those for hbr this month #or any other fic / wip

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