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autumnbrambleagain · 2 years

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okay let’s do this. Dark Souls NPC rankings. bosses not included unless you interact with them in some way other than fighting them

Dark Souls 1:

The Fair Lady: Unquestionably top tier. Donate 9999 Humanity every playthrough. 11/10.

Solaire: Jolly, friendly, iconic. Introduces fundamental parts of the setting to you, joins in your adventures in parallel, two tragic endings. Enduring legacy. 10/10.

Siegmeyer: In quite a pickle! Iconic, fun, tragic. Also joins in your adventures in parallel. Two tragic endings. Great armor set. 10/10.

Lautrec: Didn’t pop off in memes like Solaire or Siegmeyer, but I think easily just as good. 10/10.

Patches: YOU. 10/10.

Quelana of Izalith: Great character, good lore, fierce fashion. Endearing relationship that develops as the game goes on. 9/10.

Priscilla: Mysterious and tragic and also like yeah she’s cute. 9/10.

Alvina: One woulds’st best not think not so unpoorly of this dear cat, no? [Yes][No] Plenty of story, strong presence and personality. Is a cool cat monster. 8/10.

Laurentias of the Great Swamp: Chill dude, good friend, teaches you how pyromancy works. Tragic ending you really feel sad for. 8/10.

Eingyi of the Great Swamp: His devotion is admirable. Sweetest simp. 7/10.

Domnhall of Zena: Aye simwae. Story is pretty sparse but what an impression. 7/10.

Big Hat Logan: Iconic hat. Iconic naked fight in the Archives. Doesn’t bring too much to the table but what he does is great. 7/10.

Frampt: *clacks teeth together* 7/10.

Gough: Great personality, tragic boy, great shot, 7/10.

Ciaran: Incredible fucking fashion and weapons. Shows up on-screen for 10 seconds. Would be way higher if she was more than an easter egg. 6/10.

Anstacia of Astora: Minor role, huge impact, great outfit. 6/10.

Oswald of Carim: What the fuck this is just like a jumpscare from Five Fuckers at Uncle Festers. 6/10.

Crestfallen Warrior: The classic in full form. 6/10.

Andre of Astora: Sure he’s all right. 6/10.

Darkmoon Knight: Good armor, memorable but doesn’t do much. 6/10.

Petrus of Thoroland: Fuck this guy, weird rapist-vibes asshole. Deeply memorable, very hateable, 6/10.

Giant Blacksmith: Yeah all-right. 6/10.

Shiva the East: MORE LIKE SHIVA THE DEC--eh decent fashion but that’s it. 5/10.

Ingward: I literally dressed as him for Halloween once. Otherwise not much to say about him. 5/10.

Marvelous Chester: ... okay? 5/10?

Griggs of Vinheim: Stuck in a barrel. Chasing Logan’s shadow. Some lore implications with him being an assassin? Mostly memorable for the barrel thing. 4/10.

Undead Merchant, Male: Kind of a jackass I guess. 4/10.

Dusk of Oolacile: Memorable, but only because of her circumstances. Kind of a non-character. 4/10.

Blacksmith Vamos: Eh. 4/10.

Rickert of Vinheim: Being in an underground jail is memorable, and he gives you your first sorceries, and I guess he does magic weapon upgrading? But not much else going on. Eh. 3/10.

Reah of Thorolund: Kind of bland. Damsel in distress. She’s there, I guess. 3/10.

Elizabeth: That’s a mushroom. 3/10.

Undead Merchant, Female: Eh. 2/10.

Crestfallen Merchant: Who. 2/10.

Dark Souls 2:

THE RAT KING: MY KING. The hottest Dark Souls character. Runs the COOLEST fucking covenant in any Dark Souls. Has an entire character arc where he starts out reluctantly allowing a human’s service to you becoming “one of the good humans” to you changing his mind and letting him dream that someday humans and rats can live and die together in peace and his voice fucking BREAKS several times with emotion as you change his entire life and fill him with pride, you, his dear SERVANT. AAAA. 99999/10.

Sweet Shalquoir: Whimsical sarcastic fae cat jerk holy fucking shit 11/10.

Weaponsmith Ornifex: Skee hee! So now the boss-weapon vendor in this game is not only a hot monster but she’s adorable and friendly and likes to make spooky dolls too? 11/10.

Lucatiel of Mirrah: A character who adventures with you the entire game AND whose storyline is not only about what it means to be cursed with undeath but asks questions of memory and legacy and identity? With a great fashion?? 10/10.

Gavlan: Gavlan Wheel. Gavlan deal. When you with Gavlan? You wheel. You deel. 10/10.

Titchy Gren: I can’t cum unless you tell me how much you like blood, tell me more about blood please ooh hhhhh blooodddddddd 10/10.

Shanalotte: A lot of cut content keeps her story too secret. But it’s fun to have a guide with a mysterious past that’s with you the whole game. Bearer seek seek lest. 9/10.

King Vendrick: OOO dark souls 2 is just a pointless repeat of dark souls 1 fuck you Vendrick shows there’s an entire new paradigm of Kings with Manus-Shard wives and his story is weird and sad and you spend the entire game chasing after him and when you finally reach him you FINALLY discover... there’s nothing left of him. And then you go back in time and talk to him and it’s even sadder. 9/10.

Head of Vengarl: Talk to a decapitated head in the middle of a foggy, haunted wood, about finding peace in life. 9/10.

Straid of Olaphis: Asshole frozen for a thousand years continues to be an asshole to great applause. Ha ha ha ha! 9/10.

Crestfallen Saulden: This time the Crestfallen Warrior gets a happy ending and it’s wonderful. 9/10.

Laddersmith Gilligan: Gives you one of the nicest looking weapons in the game. Gives you one of the funniest looks in the game if you short-change him and he sets up a death-trap while glaring at you for being stingy while you WATCH him do it. Hilarious. 9/10.

Alsanna, the Silent Oracle: Powerful tragic queen defying her nature out of love. 8/10.

Maughlin the Armorer: You watch the undead curse destroy this man’s mind as the game goes on and it’s fucking heartbreaking but at least he’s happy. 8/10.

Three Firekeepers: Insult you the moment they see you. Tell you it’s Dark Souls and you’re going to die. Also respec you and come to respect you just a little bit. 8/10.

Bellkeeper Mannikin: UNDEAD! UNDEAD! What an amazing, insane jackass. What a GREAT covenant. 8/10.

Grave Warden Agdayne: What the fuck is your deal what is going ON in this setting tell me more I want to know more why is your sword SO BIG why are you so HOT. 8/10.

Jester Thomas: You can summon him AND he invades you so I’m counting it. He doesn’t talk but oh my god the personality this one asshole brings to the table. 8/10.

Darkdiver Grandahl: Darkness Grampa, I’m ready for the bonus dungeons. 7/10.

Felkin the Outcast: Gives you lore about the Dark, gives you cool spells, has the hat that everyone wears because it increases your casts. 7/10.

Benhart of Jugo: Your Siegmeyer equivalent. Uses the Moonlight Greatsword but OOPS it’s a counterfeit. Hilarious. 7/10.

Blacksmith Leningrast: Isn’t Andre. Good dad, faintly tragic story, dumbass locked himself out of his own house. 7/10.

Merchant Hag Melentia: Gives you backstory dump, helps Majula feel less empty, AND is creepy and old? 7/10.

Licia of Lindelt: Fucking miracle scam artist hilarious. 7/10.

Camptain Drummond: Appears in one scene really, but gives a good feel of the history of the world and that it isn’t just about your quest to kill bosses or whatever real people have lived and died between the cycles. 7/10.

Manscorpion Tark: Assigned malewife at birth by Seath. 6/10.

Magarold of Lanafir: I want to fuck this twink violently that’s all. 6/10.

Royal Sorceror Navlaan: Oh THIS asshole again. 6/10.

Rosabeth of Melfia: Vomits on screen for way too long and it’s hilarious. Can dress her as you like. Not unmemorable personality. 6/10.

Stone Trader Chloanne: Tragic story, but doesn’t go much of anywhere--but it’s DS2, part of the point is it doesn’t have a tragic ending. 6/10.

Dyna and Tillo: Gimme the FUCKING whip already. 5/10.

Blue Sentinel Targray: Absolutely average in every way. Nice armor though. Give it to me. 5/10.

Creighton the Wanderer: Nothing special on his own, but pared with Pate their storyline is at least interesting. 5/10.

Mild Mannered Pate: Well, he isn’t Patches that’s for sure, but he does have a fun bit of story. 5/10.

Nashandra: I love you get to talk to her before she’s the final boss, but I wish it was far more substantial than what we get. 5/10.

Ancient Dragon: Incredible lead-up to a confusing pay-off. We all thought he was Aldia but I guess he’s not? Why is he the same as the corpse by Freja? What’s going on. 4/10.

Chancellor Wellager: Eh. Gives you good exposition I guess? 4/10.

Steadyhand McDuff: Shape up, shape up. 4/10.

Carhillion of the Fold: Asshole. 4/10.

Milibeth: Hits you with a fucking ladle. Otherwise not much going on. 4/10.

Cale the Cartograher: I’m going to be honest even looking him up I barely remember anything useful about him. 3/10.

Cromwell the Pardoner: Wishes he was Oswald of Carim. 3/10.

Dark Souls 3

Patches/Lapp: At his absolute peak, the pinnacle of his storyline. 11/10.

Anri of Astora: You go on parallel adventures and they suffer the loss of their friend; then they either die avenging the creepy monster that raised and abused them as kids, or you hijack their story and turn them into your thrall-spouse in a weird mirror emulation of the cycle of kings and their dark-brides. Could have been better served not using the Elite Knight armor. 10/10.

Greirat of the Undead Settlement: He’s just a little guy and he wants to help! Oops--uh oh--oh no. 10/10.

Karla: Shard of Manus that never found a king. Great character, sarcastic but endearing and genuine. 10/10.

Ludleth of Corland: I may be small, but I die a colossus. 10/10.

Singing Cage: Has 4 lines of dialogue and they will never leave my head. Another nana’s disappeared... 10/10.

Firekeeper: Vaguely tragic. Sticks with you even if you decide the entire system is broken and it’s time for the quiet gentle of nothing to settle upon the world. 9/10.

Freide: Lots going on with her, from pretending to be a Priscilla to rule Ariandel, to abandoning Londor’s search for a Dark Lord, to being a failed Lord of Cinder who never linked the flame. Also, yes, fine, one of the best boss fights in the series. 9/10.

Company Captain Yorshka: Oh don’t do this to me oh no don’t ask me how Gwyndolin’s doing oh no oh no. Yes, though, I’m probably a bird don’t worry about it. 9/10.

Irina of Carim: Yeah okay let’s all get super depressed and miserable. 8/10.

Hawkwood the Deserter: This time the Crestfallen Warrior regains his crest and he tries to kill YOU! Okay. Decent twist. 8/10.

Yuria of Londor: You get TWO maidens guiding you this time, and this one’s got a katana and wants you to bring an age of dark. Neat! 7/10.

Eygon of Carim: Oh, THIS asshole. Yeah. Yeah this asshole. 7/10.

Holy Knight Hodrick: Great fashion, great asshole, gets killed by his own daughter. 7/10.

Knight Vilheim: A maille MANTLE? Yes I love that fashion. Doesn’t have much presence beyond appearance and threatening you but like, yeah it’s a good presence. 7/10.

Archer Giant: Okay you hardly interact with him but he’s a MEMORABLE set-piece oh god my standards are so low the NPCs in Dark Souls 3 fucking suck. 7/10.

Yoel of Londor: Does a good job establishing the stakes and setting this time, and is a neat dude. He dies, it’s surprising and sad. 7/10.

Shrine Handmaid: Time-travel fuckery and a cranky grandma make her a fun experience yeah. 7/10.

The Painter: Priscilla’s... daugther? Reincarnation... narrative continuity? It’s good to know the painted world can continue outside of the cycle of light and dark I guess. 7/10.

Horace the Hushed: Basically an accessory for Anri but nah he’s got his own backstory implications going on. 6/10.

Pickle Pee: Pump...a--RUM! 6/10.

Orbeck of Vinheim: Basically a retread of the mage assassins from DS1. Eh. Not a bad remix though. 5/10.

Ringfinger Leonard: At least it’s a covenant with someone to tell you what the covenant is about. 5/10.

Forlorn Corvid Settler: It’s painful to see Ornifex’s people became a bunch of rotting birds dragging their poop around, but that’s a good thing. 5/10.

Drowsy Forlorn: Okay, he only has a few lines of dialogue but it’s such a strong introduction to Ariandel. 5/10.

Slave Knight Gael: Kind of shows up once, then you summon him, and then there’s a few messages he left, and then he’s... what, the final fucking boss of the ENTIRE franchise? Excuse me? Yes, he’s one of the best boss fights in the ENTIRE franchise, yes, but why, who, what? He’s just the Dark Soul at that point, and YES sure the point is he’s a nobody like you who managed to last until the end of time or whatever, sure, I don’t care. My reaction to him being the final boss of the series was not “Oh hell yeah” but “... huh? What? Why?” 5/10.

Rosaria, Mother of Rebirth: ... are you Gwynevere? Who are you? I want to know more, and I don’t know if that’s a good mystery or just a frustrating lack of content. 5/10.

Cornyx of the Great Swamp: ... eh? Okay? 5/10.

Sirris of the Sunless Realms: ... okay? Sure? Okay. I guess killing your mad father is a story at least? 5/10.

Pilgrim Butterfly Nascent: That’s... neat? She becomes an immortal angel dream supported by a cocoon of her own flesh? Why? Because it’s neat? Sure, it’s neat. 5/10.

Old Woman of Londor: She’s in the game I guess. 4/10.

High Priestess Emma: She tells you what direction to go I guess. Guess she raised Prince Lothric? Okay that’s nice. 4/10.

Blacksmith Andre: Hey remember dark souls 1 you liked dark souls 1 right you like andre right we brought him back please like us. Why is he here. How is he here. What is any of this? 1/10.

Archdeacon McDonnel: Oh, a covenant leader without any dialogue whatsoever. I love not even being given a reason to join a covenant or learning anything about it. 0/10.

Old Wolf of Farron: Oh, a covenant leader without any dialogue whatsoever. I love not even being given a reason to join a covenant or learning anything about it. 0/10.

Siegwhatever: Long may the sun shine! You’re just fucking Siegmeyer YOURE JUST FUCKING SIEGMEYER stop trying to tug at my nostalgia sure you have your own plot with Yhorm that comes out of nowhere but YORE JUST FUCKING SIEGMEYER TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT FUCK YOU 0/10

I’m not doing one for Elden Ring because even if I controversially don’t like Elden Ring much, it has a ton of great NPCs and even if it’s fucking OBNOXIOUS finding where they’ve gone in a fucking open world game without a guide without checking every single location in the game every time you do anything spend just 10 hours combing the entire map becausue who knows maybe Alexander is here now maybe Blaidd is inthe fuucking evergoal fuck you--

ahem. excuse me. despite all of that Elden Ring has great NPCs.

BUT MY POINT IS

fuck Dark Souls 3 it has the weakest npcs it fucking sucks

Dark Souls 2? Best NPCs. Best most fun wonderful. Dark Souls 2 best dark souls.

#autumn says things #dark souls #dark souls 1 #dark souls 2 #dark souls 3 #npc rankings

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