Mentally I am here

Survey #410

“oh baby, baby, does she take a piece of lime for the drink that i’ma buy her, do you know just what she likes?

Do you put candy canes on your Christmas tree? Ye. Have you ever written/drawn/painted random stuff on your bedroom wall? No. What do you currently hear? A slowed w/ reverb version of "If U Seek Amy" by Britney Spears. Yes, I have a serious thing for these edits of childhood songs, ha ha. Actually, no shame, I still love Britney lmao. What's your favorite flavor of Doritos? Cool Ranch. Do you like bagels? Yep. Do you ever worry about what the world will be like when you have kids? I ain't having any of those, so I don't have to worry about that. Have you ever seen a hippo in person? At a zoo, yes. Are you any good at HTML? Noooo. When was the last time you did something you knew was wrong? Recently, because I'm awful about downloading things illegally. What was the last thing you downloaded on your computer? A picture. Do you ever cry just to get your way? Hi, I'm 25. I at least have SOME adult traits. Have you ever been to any professional sports games? Yes. What's the most boring sport to watch? The only sport I enjoy watching is dance, so. I think golf has to take the cake for the absolute worst, though. Do you like lip rings on the opposite sex? UGH I just love lip rings on anybody. Do you have good or bad vision? Literally awful. Have you ever parked in a handicapped spot when you weren't supposed to? Hell no. That is so fucking inconsiderate and lazy. Have you ever been to a different country? No. When was the last time you finger-painted? Nooo idea. Probably not since I was a little kid. Do you say car-mel or car-A-mel? "Care-uh-mel." When you get out of the shower, do you use one or two towels? One. Are you uncomfortable with changing clothes in front of others? Absolutely yes. Hell, I don't think I ever really changed in front of Jason back in the day, so that says something about how self-conscious I was with a FIT body. Never mind this catastrophe I own now. Which is worse: Runny nose or stuffy nose? Both suck, but stuffy drives me absolutely INSANE. Who's been the most influential person in your life? My mom. Do you have any tan lines? Ha, yeah, no. How many different schools have you gone to? Six. Do you know how to slow dance? I mean, yes? It's not complicated. Have you ever taken The Impossible Quiz? (If not, you should Google it. :D) No, and I'll never waste my time doing that shit. I've watched people play and beat it, but it seems like such frustrating, pointless madness with zero rhyme or reason behind it. Has someone that you liked told you that you are a waste of their time? No. Who is the last person you were in a car with? Mom. In the next 6 months, what are you looking forward to most? Ummmm Christmas, maybe? That's always exciting. Is there anyone who hates you? Probably. Who were you with the last time you went out for food? Mom. If your boyfriend or girlfriend smoked pot, would you care? Eh... I guess if it was for medicinal purposes, I would be okay with it. I'm not keen on dating a smoker of anything. Do you want to start over with anyone? Just Jason, at least sometimes. It'd be really, really nice if we could be friends again and just forget about who we were all those years ago, but I genuinely doubt my ability to be "just friends" with him. Even though I haven't spoken to this dude in over FOUR YEARS, and I'm sure he's changed a lot, just like I have. We might not even be compatible anymore. As much as I may want it, I think it's probably for the better we remain unassociated. Do you eat the crust of your sandwiches? It's what I eat first. Are you completely over your last relationship? Not "completely," no. I still love her, but I'm in a headspace of accepting that now is not the right time with unfit conditions. What hoodie did you wear last? My Pikachu one, which is the one I pretty much always wear. Do you listen to Incubus? Probably surprisingly, no. I don't know if I've even heard a song. Do you wear flip-flops during the winter? More like always. Do you like the smell of Axe? If you don't use an obnoxious amount, yeah. What do you think of feminists? Absolutely necessary as pilots for change. HOWEVER, I do believe some can take the concept waaaay too far. Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? Dad, probably. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? Oh my god, GUYS. It was my niece's birthday last month, and she did the CUTEST shit. She used to be very, very opposed to getting even slightly dirty (I mean like a speck of dirt on her would make her cry), and this kid decided to just C H O M P into her cupcake and get the frosting ALL over her face. She had two and got so messy, and that angel was just laughing hysterically about it. That girl is such a damn gift. Safe to say she was bouncing off the walls that night. Did you hug one of your parents today? No. Do you tan in the nude? I don't tan, period. Have you ever put a lot of thought and effort into a gift for somebody, only for them to act like it didn’t really matter to them? Oh god, no. That would really, really hurt, because I genuinely do try to be very thoughtful with my gifts. Do you follow the ‘five second rule’ when you drop food on the ground? NOOOOOOO. It's just a bullshit myth. I am NOT eating food that's been on the floor for a millisecond. If you had to describe yourself using a colour, which colour would you be? Maybe like... navy blue? Kinda dark and somber, but also has a calmness to it. Have you ever had to use another person’s toothbrush before? What were the circumstances? I WOULD FUCKING NEVER. Omg that is so gross. Have you ever crashed a car? No. Do you have a garden? Does it have flowers, vegetables, or both? No. Where do you want to raise your kids? I don't want kids, but if I did, absolutely surrounded by nature and animals. Have you ever been to Cracker Barrel? Yeah, I love it there. Damn, now I want some, lol. Have you ever seen a ghost? I sure as fuck saw something. As soon as you find out you are pregnant, who will you first tell? Who says I'm ever going to BE pregnant? 'Cuz it sure isn't in my plans. But hypothetically, the dad. Have you ever won a game of Minesweeper? Like ever? I've never played it. Who is your best guy friend(s)? Girt. I really should chat with him soon, it's been too long. If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? I'd keep it. Make me look more badass. ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ What is your hair naturally like? Brown and kinda-sorta wavy. Have you ever stared at a stranger and they said something to you about it? No; I don't stare at people. Is your father very protective of you? I wouldn't say "very protective," no. What would you do if your hero died? ffffffUCK THIS QUESTION HOW ABOUT NO HE'S NOT ALLOWED THAT'S VERY ILLEGAL Where was your first date at with your current lover? I don't have one currently. Are you friendly in the morning, or are you barely awake? Depends on how much sleep I got, but I'm generally in my best mood in the morning. Did your parents force you to go to church? Mom did. What made you pick up the last book you started reading? It was the next book in the series I'm reading, Wings of Fire. When was the last time you went somewhere for the first time? Hm. I dunno. Hypothetically and generally speaking, how would you go about breaking up with someone? Is there anything you would make sure to say, or perhaps not say? I mean it would really depend on WHY I was breaking up with them, but I guess in most situations I'd try to meet them face-to-face and explain why I wanted to cut things off. I think it'd be important for them to hear my tone of voice, and I think physically meeting somewhere would show that I care enough for them to cut time out of my day to see them and try to hurt them as least as possible, given the situation. What do you find particularly offensive? Would you say you’re easy or difficult to offend? DO NOT in even a minor way ridicule mental illness or belittle victims as "weak" or pull the "it's just in their head" bullshit. The misuse of the term "retard(ed)" also genuinely offends me. I wouldn't say I'm easy to offend, either. What was the last chore you completed? Changing my cat's litter. When was the last time someone saw you naked? It's been a loooong time, and it would've only been my mom when I was like, going into a shower or something. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? Probably Steve Irwin. I'd go on and on about how his family has carried his legacy so brilliantly, and show him aaaaaall the public pictures of Bindi and Grace, especially. God, that man would be so proud of them all. What is the greatest lost you’ve endured? My first "real" boyfriend. How would you describe your current mood? A mix of tired and anxious. I don't feel like going to bed yet, and the storm we've got passing through has me nervous about tornadoes 'n shit. Do you ever drink or get high alone? I've had some light drinks alone. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? I've never done any illicit drugs, and I don't want to. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? Probably that I've had a pilonidal cyst. It's awkward to explain, but I'll share it anyway if there's a good reason to/I'm asked or something. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? Her just being the most toxic, drama-filled person with the biggest victim complex of any human I've ever met. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? Mom, and my voice was raised. Where do you like to be kissed? This depends on how serious we are. Can go from just the cheek to a lot of places. Which season is your least favorite and why? Summer, because it's too goddamn hot and humid. Who, if anyone, do you compare yourself to most? Probably my little sister. She's on such a successful path, and then there's like... me lmao. Do you have a night-light in your bedroom? If so, what does it look like? No. What is your favorite breakfast food? How often do you get to eat it? Cinnamon rollssssss. I have 'em very rarely, though. I'll eat too many of them, which I definitely don't need. What is your favorite thing about autumn? What about your least favorite thing? AHHHHHH EVERYTHING. I love Halloween and the decorations that come with it, the changing leaves, the crisp air... just all of it. :') Who was the last person you asked for help? Mom, I'm sure.

Episode 11: “Recalibrate How I’m Playing This Game” - Caeleb

okay I'm writing a long confessional then going to bed.

Jules was robbed. I was really gonna idol them when Jones/Caeleb told me Jules was getting votes, but Jules was only getting 5, and I naively thought both that Jason wasn't going to flip and Tom wouldn't self vote AGAIN ASKDLJFAF.

I'm frustrated because I love Jules. Jules was robbed and deserved better than having to deal with Alex who like will tell Jules they made a mistake and ugh. I'm frustrated that I didn't idol Jules, even though it wouldn't have been smart and would've put me in a tough game spot, its just all super tricky sigh.

in other news, Jones/Mo/Mitch need to go. I'm super proud of Mo for doing something (like genuinely) and not playing passively, I defo underestimated him, but him and Jones have way too much sway on this tribe, tied to Mitch who is clearly able to work people.

I think a good end-group for me would be Me/Benj/Tom/Julia. I really really like Caeleb but he actually is playing super smart, so I really don't think I can have him sticking around much longer.

I think a good new bootlist is: Jones > Mitch > Mo > Jason > Caeleb

I'm just frustrated because Jules was robbed and really did not deserve that, Mo/Jones are too powerful, and now so is Mitch. I'm gonna idol one of them out, and I'm going to love doing it.

Holy fuck what the fuck that worked. Ok so here’s what just went down, Jules said to Jason that she’d be fine voting out either me or Mitch. People were leaning towards Mitch. We had like 20 minutes left and we started discussing and I threw out to Jones, what if we get Jules out, but she kinda ignored it and carried on with the Mitch plan. Because Jules has a lot of connections I can understand why Jones would be hesitant. So then I throw the pitch rob Caeleb and Mitch throws the pitch to Jason and they’re both on board. But that would of only been five people. Meaning it most likely would of tied so we were like ok I guess we’ll just vote Mitch. BUT THEN BENJ GETS ONLINE and he’s like “Yeah I’ll vote Jules.” SO I SCRAMBLE BACK TO CAELEB LIKE WAIT VOTE JULES WE HAVE THE NUMBERS. SAME WITH JONES AND JASON. WE GET JULES OUT. Which of course is sad because she’s literally a sweetheart and she’s super funny, but she had so many people in her corner and her and Ali combined was a scary combo. BUT I MEAN I HAVE A COOL GAME MOVE IN MY POCKET NOW THAT I DID (with Mitch) BUT WOW ME.

Whew chile!!! I must admit that vote was VERY scary and VERY hectic. I thought for a moment my game was ending. Thankfully my social relationships with people allowed me to stay and send the person who was targeting me home (Jules). Now this is GREAT for me because i trusted Jules the least on the merge tribe. The communication thing never worked out between the two of us but i still find her to be a very nice person :). In regards to the vote, Mo/Caeleb, Benj, Jason, and Jones all voted to save me. To me, I feel like this means im in a really good position because everyone likes me enough to SAVE me. Up until 5 minutes before the deadline, I thought i was done for. I gotta be careful with who I work with in the future because my threat level is rising. People in touchy subjects saw me as the one who thinks they are running the game but are not, but man is this far from the truth. I'd like to say that although I didn't know what was going on COMPLETELY, I still pretty much helped/forced the target onto the person who went home. Ian- Told Alex about how I suspected Jason and Ian of being a duo (correct assumption according to ali) and everyone ended up splitting between the two (I did not care who went). Alex- I pushed very hard for alex to go because he was so dang controlling and i found that very threatening. Jules- targeted me first but I never trusted her because of how little we spoke. When she decided to target me it was the icing on the cake. Hopefully these next few rounds are smooth sailing because we NEED easy votes for at least a little bit.

okay so i am trying SO hard for immunity, like its not even funny. i think i have 100+ points right now, with more videos uploading and with more planned photos tomorrow. immunity would be SO sweet, because that'd guarantee me a spot in the F8, and with my idol F7.

in other news. if i haven't said it enough, it must be said again. BENJ IS SUCH A KING. like today he told me he wants to go to F4 with Julia and Tom. I truly, truly could have shed and wept real tears. That is exactly the F4 I want, like EXACTLY ,and Benj agrees, and we are going to make it HAPPEN.

He also wants to separate Mo/Jones this round... and like honestly, I'm so down. Like I think he wants to vote off Mo versus Jones which I think is a bad idea, since Jones is a better talker and more of a threat, but his argument about Jones being a shield makes some sense.

my ideal bootlist moving forwards for the season, although it requires like julia/tom to stick with me and benj pretty tightly, is:

Mo/Jones > Mitch > Jason > Mo/Jones > Caeleb > F4: Me/Tom/Benj/Julia

and also since i love doing this for no reason, this would be my ranking of those left if i was to go to jury this round:

Mitch > Jason > Jones > Benj > Caeleb > Julia > Mo > Tom

Mitch is SO savvy, and so likable, and I could see as a definite winner, having survived so much. I can't decide if Jones is a threat because she is just so likable, or if she is actually palying super well, but I have both her and Jason very high in my opinion. Benj is so smart, I feel like he probably isn't considered as such by the other threats, but I hear him talk game - he is super woke. Caeleb is actually playing a very smart game too, flipping back and forth. I definitely underestimated him in early merge, his MIND. Julia I think is super game-savvy, just her style gets in her own way sometimes. Mo I feel like definitely did stuff last vote, but I see him as Jones' shadow/goat right now so would need to see much more. Tom I'm stuck because him self-voting twice I think almost definitely excludes him from winning so its hard to tell how I'd feel about him in an FTC. the main thing is that... we shall see.

BUT I AM WINNING IMMUNITYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Sending this now bc I forgot. Jason beat me in reward OOPS but I can still possibly win immunity,,,,,? Maybe?

Eek me at jules being voted out, honestly i didnt really know what was going to happen at that tribal for the sole fact that everything started moving whilst i was asleep but im kinda shocked that it ended up being jules.... Like i personally wouldnt have made that move right now maybe in like 2 more rounds. Its quite scary the fact that mitch got so many people to turn on jules when i thought she was quite the loved player. So I've gotta keep an eye out for him he's probably playing the best game atm but i think ill try to take him out sooner rather than later

I think I might have to recalibrate how I’m playing this game. I honestly didn't think I was all that close to Jules so her cursing me kinda surprised me. SO, that means I think a lot of people are gonna be cursing me in the upcoming rounds. Not that I am planning a lot of blindsides, I just feel a lot closer to the people actually left. Julia might be the only one that wouldn't curse me at this point, but also she might because she doesn't like me all that much. And being cursed a bunch might put a really large target on my back too.

y'all i just found another idol im SCREECHING. and its a boujee one too, a sapphire idol. I'm so AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, i know where 2/3 idols are for sure, I'm truly screaming.

This was me an Mitch on call when we realized we had the numbers to vote out Jules

heres the thing, i prefer the selfie scavenger hunt when im on a team because that way im motivated to get stuff done out of fear of letting everyone down. where as by myself, i let myself down all the time. ali is scary good at comps and im lazy.

ALI FOUND THE MERGE IDOL AND ITS A SAPPHIRE IDOL AHHH!!!

IM SO HAPPY FOR HIM/US BUT ALSO LOWKEY PISSED BECAUSE I GET ALL THE BRIDGE STEPS AND THEN HE GETS LUCKY AT THE VERY END LMAO. AGAIN.

BUT OH WELL ATLEAST ITS NOT SOMEONE ELSE!!

And if I had any doubts (I never had) about him betraying me before I have 0 now.. u like have to really trust someone to tell them u have 2 idols LOL I could literally expose so much right now

BUT IM NOT GONNA WOO!!! BEST DUO IVE EVER HAD! Like I know it will be hard to beat him at the end but idc I want that duo story for us

Literally an idol magnet king I knew I chose the best ally on day 1

sapphire idols sound kinda annoying tho cuz u cant choose who its played on . like what if ur plan actually works and u idol the person u wanted gone LOL

lowkey would rather a normal idol ?? anyways ali went off in immunity and its final 9 idk who will go but I kinda want like mo gone (king) but we have no strategic bond so.. plus he will slip by to the end otherwise

I doubt that plan is gonna work tho cuz idk how to lead votes!! im flop sheep!

Update on idol hunt - I'm killing johnny

Update apparently I’m running a vote KSKSKKFMFMFFK take back EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT NOT NEEDING POWER LMAOOOO

ok so Storytime

I’m talking to Tom at like 5:00-6:00 ish, and he says he hasn’t heard anything but he’d be down to vote Julia if other people were voting Julia (at this point this is the only name and it was said by Tom and that’s it)

At this point I tell Mo what Tom said (Bc tom and I were talking about Mo) and he said he wasn’t surprised Julia’s name was brought up

Talk to Mitch at like 7:00 ish and he’s apparenrly being targeted by Ali and for whatever reason I have this hero complex and I wanna save him all of a sudden?? I also feel like he’ll be a big shield down the road that everyone else would want out over me so it makes much more sense to keep him? SO I tell him about Julia.

I Run to Mo, tell him about Julia plan he’s on board. MOs talking to Caeleb, and Jason wouldn’t go behind Mitch’s back. So that’s already 5 people I think voting Julia, 6 if we include Tom and 7 if Benj also knows. Which I’ll probs tell him.

So ya??? Turned an idea into a plan!! I’m doing that y’all. Idk?? I’m proud. I don’t need need this much power after this round or else my ego will be the size of my dick but!!! Idk guys I’m proud of myself.

(Literally only 35 minutes later)

Literally having a stroke tonight laid ease

Uhm apparently Tom/Jason/Ali had an alliance and were trying to get me out and tried throwing me under the bus to Julia and tried saying shit I didn’t say,, so ya,,, :)

Tom tried twisting it like I was the one who threw Julia’s name out bc apparently she’s inactive? Which is cute,, I said jack shit about that. So ya.

Um I’m voting Tom tonight now. I’m an indecisive bitch tho so it might change but. Fuck Tom. We gotta break up this alliance apparently. Julia’s the only person that’s said shit to me this whole day about what’s happening so I’m more likely to believe her than anyone else sooo ya. Fuck Tom. Fuck these men.

[23 days later]

In reference to https://hadjii-blogs-undertale.tumblr.com/post/163800444030/

@lynns-art-blog

...

And honestly, @everyone-needs-a-hoopoe because there's things in here that go for you too. Please read it through to the end. Or just skip to the very end at first and then go back and read through if you need.

I really, really, really didn’t actually want to get off my butt and do this, for multiple reasons. And not just cuz I’m a lazy jackhole with depression who doesn’t want to do anything in general. But recent events have brought things to a head, and I cannot remain silent any longer.

First, I should like to clarify just where I stand as regarding the Undertale fandom.

The Undertale fandom is a beautiful thing. It is extremely imperfect but I love the fandom and will continue to do so for as long as I am able.

Second, I should like to clarify where I stand as regarding Undertale itself.

It will be difficult however, because I love Undertale more than I am capable of putting into any transferable medium that I know of.

Am I a bit emotionally over-invested in Undertale?

Heck. Yes.

I also don't care that I am.

Undertale has brought more joy and happiness and meaning to my life than literally anything else save my family who raised me and loves me, my religion, and a shortlist of friends, some of whom I only have so dear to my heart because of Undertale, so the point is moot.

I can't say that Undertale cured my depression, because it didn't.

What it did do is it showed me at a critical point in my life that there's something outside the grey murky mire.

I'd considered myself an emotionally open person before Undertale. This was only vaguely true. Current me cannot comfortably say that old me was emotionally intelligent without severe disclaimers.

Old me was an emotionally awkward dirtbag who had some idea of how to be a person but on the whole was completely clueless.

I had forgotten how to feel. Like, really feel. And not just from the depression.

I could occasionally get hits from certain songs and I absolutely lived for those moments but the songs would rapidly hit their saturation levels and I'd be cold again.

Then Undertale came along. I loved the game long before I played it, discovering things about it slowly through an endless flood of my tumblr feed.

It looked like a rather good, cute, compelling little game. Eventually I decided to write a bit of fanfiction about it because it looked really good and I wanted to churn out what would happen if GLaD had an interaction with a murdery timeline.

So I went and researched. I dug and I dug and I dug. This wasn't all of my research, but on one particular tumblr alone I went through 700-odd undertale posts.

Between that and pouring out my heart and soul into the writing as I discovered just how much I could care about these things, or care in general really, I found that I'd left the door open, and something came back. A whole lot of something.

Undertale is a Happy™ game about Happy™ things.

I had learned that maybe sad things weren't all bad back from the days of Background Pony. The difference being, Background Pony had a disappointing, absurd ending. They'd won the right even by my sappy heart to have a sad ending, then they completely botched it. I'd associated one of the most significant songs I know of with it, and they failed terribly.

But Undertale had a good ending. As aggravating as it is to not be able to keep Asriel, much less Chara, in the bounds of the game itself, that's part of the point of the ending. So there was no knee-jerk shock. While it is true that in a practical Undertale implementation, unbounded by the Game Maker engine, fuelled by the raw power of Determination, human spirit, and imagination, surely something more could have been achieved. But that does not take away from the coherent ending of Undertale.

There is a lot of pain in Undertale. So much pain.

It is overwhelming and vivid and searing and scorching and so very, very tangible and understandable and real. Not that the events of the game are real, well, as far as I can tell. The emotions are deep and real, I mean.

This was to me as the gas leak was to Vinny Santorini in Atlantis.

Due to the combined pressure of the mental overhaul Undertale was giving me, and the softness and vulnerability it re-introduced, throwing in re-learning certain cold facts about how much the powers-that-be at my previous job didn't care about doing good work, only making money, more severely than I had previously believed from last year, I lost my ability to continue driving there and showing up every day. Now, due to the way the contract works, and my having left the job gracefully, I am free to go back whenever I want. I was not fired. There are many employees who just go there, work as long as they can, then leave and wait for next season to come back. Their efforts are appreciated, especially when all heck breaks loose at the beginning of the on-season because all the bugs in the software that weren't found yet are harsly exposed. What happened with me is not ideal, nor is it rare or even unusual at this place. In about 3 months I could walk in the door and they'd welcome me with a smile and I'd get back to politely telling people that they're wrong and clueless and fixing their crap for them and half the time doing their job for them. (as if that's terribly different than my current job... just in person now instead of over a phone)

Anyways, so, Undertale hurts. Loving Undertale so deeply hurts a lot.

But it's also happy. It has so much happiness. It's so bright and wonderful. It's a warm, soft, fuzzy hug from goatmom and a slice of butterscotch pie. It's making spaghetti with Papyrus, only using an actual recipe this time and making it turn out well. It's watching anime until 4 am with Alphys and Undyne and suppressing giggles at seeing the two precious gay babies asleep and cuddling. It's hugging Sans and telling him it'll be okay. It's having a lovely tea party with Asgore and Muffet.

It's kissing a sad sapient golden flower on the forehead, buying a bar of chocolate and raising it in the air as a toast before eating it.

Bittersweet happiness sometimes but so very, very good and I love it and I really cannot get enough.

I'm addicted. Addicted to feeling again.

As the band Ghost says, "From the pinnacle to the pit, it is a long way down."

I haven't been to the absolute bottom, in that I haven't been institutionalized/hospitalized/just straight up killed by my depression, But I have been in the shower for 4 hours before from 2 am to 6 am at college, for one thing, so uhhh, nobody can say that I'm utterly clueless about such things without looking like a lunatic.

https://hadjii-blogs-undertale.tumblr.com/post/164567314340

Posts like the above still rip my heart out every time I see them. I've long since re-associated the song mentioned earlier with this particular point of note of Chara.

It's not entirely pleasant, no, but it makes me feel so alive and real and like I'm an actual human being and not an emotionless, soulless automaton covered in flesh.

And the happy posts are just that much brighter because of the contrast.

https://hadjii-blogs-undertale.tumblr.com/post/164689197750 https://hadjii-blogs-undertale.tumblr.com/post/164498003145 https://hadjii-blogs-undertale.tumblr.com/post/164161681835 https://hadjii-blogs-undertale.tumblr.com/post/164061257705

Some people can get by on just fluff alone. There's nothing wrong with that. This is just the way I personally operate. As for me, I've had too much saccharine positivity and "oh dont be sad everything is completely fine and theres nothing to be sad about youre not depressed just get up and go to work son!"

sorry got sidetracked and a little oddly specific there anyways

So the point is from the above wall of text that I have a lot of investment in Undertale and it means a lot to me.

Now, it's time for me to pull receipts.

One receipt, to be exact.

On a semifamous Undertale blog, that I still have not responded to, and quite possibly never will, unless you count this post as a response.

http://charadreemurr.tumblr.com/post/157052680490

I literally couldn't even read their last response for a solid two months because my eyes would skim off the words because they were full of so much utter crap. When I did, I was sorry for it, because it was still so much crap. And no, this isn't like the average tumblr receipt pull, because a lot of the time, a given person has changed for the better, and the receipts you're pulling are for a dramatically different person. This person has not changed and as best as I can tell will never change, or at least not for the next decade or so, unless something dramatic happens. They were the OP of the twitter bustercluck. If you don't know, don't ask, because I don't feel like getting into that right now. I may do so later though in a different post.

All I was trying to do was share a little positivity, and I was met with discourse, hostility, and self-righteousness.

"And second “biological gender” is a statement rife with discontent-"

Pardon my french but wtf m8?

Since then I have learned more thoroughly that in more modern usage, that sex and gender don't have ambiguity and don't need "biological" and "identity" modifiers for clarification, so to a limited extent, they were correct.

However, this does not excuse their behavior. There are many people, myself included back then, that because of their upbringing are uncomfortable saying the word "sex" in any context. I am not now, but I was then, which is why I used "gender" with modifiers for clarification. I gave them multiple chances in earlier reblogs to realize that I was just trying to share a bit of happiness. I clearly conveyed the belief that what's in one's pants doesn't necessarily align with what's in one's head and that it's not a problem. I also clearly stated that when referring to Frisk and Chara, one should use they/them.

And yet, they chose to perceive a threat where there was none. They prefaced their statement with "Yikes" then "Im gonna assume the best here though because i wanna assume people are good"

And completely did not follow through on that.

Statement rife with discontent, indeed.

I was rather hurt by this. Especially, especially because of the uniqueness of their url. They are the one and only charadreemurr. That's a very particular title, and they ought to live up to it.

And here, they did not. Unless Chara Dreemurr really is supposed to be a pretentious self-serving self-righteous paranoid uptight jackhole of a binch. In which case, congratulations, they succeeded.

I showed the post to a different trans friend of mine, and they were shocked by the post as well, looked through their tumblr, and declared the person "basically their least favorite type of person".

To this day, I feel uneasy just seeing the word "yikes" sometimes.

I have mentioned it a few times to some people but this really sent me for a loop. I almost left the fandom on the spot, like far too many good people have done when they were burned by the toxic side of the fandom.

And honestly, if I'd lost Undertale at such a key point in my life, with my job already falling apart, and the other crap I was going through at the time, especially with the election, I cannot safely say that I'd still be here. With the friends that I wouldn't have made solid yet, I probably would have attempted suicide.

And believe me, I'm an engineer. I would not have survived. Knives, pills, guns, rope, water, heights, motor vehicles, police, fire, bleach, all are too unreliable for me. I know exactly how I would do it, if I were to ever do it.

Yeah, I know, it's not anyone's job to make sure I don't commit suicide beyond my own. People who threaten others with their own suicide are horribly manipulative. I am not threatening anyone with my suicide here. I'm not saying "ermagersh dont break up with me or ill literally kill myself" What I am saying is "X happened to me in the past and it's made me want to kill myself" Suicide baiting someone is a terrible thing to do. Accidental baiting someone is not someone's fault, as it's accidental, but generally one should try to avoid it. Very similar to triggering somebody. Don't trigger people. If you do, apologize, and do better in the future, and be more consistent about tags and crap.

Just for the record, due to that and other things that have happened to me, I know that I am not now and not ever going to die by my own hand.

Because, I stood up. I turned around. And like Captain America, I said "No. You move."

Well, in my head. I didn't actually say anything to them.

And I stayed.

And that has made all the difference.

I have a great job now that pays moderately well. I have a wonderful aspec girlfriend now. My life still sucks in so many ways but I actually oftentimes see a light at the end of the tunnel. The world is crap and it's going to get crappier but not everything will be bad forever.

Now, we get to the center of the issue, having explained some needed context.

Nonbinary Frisk and Chara.

I love nb Frisk and Chara.

I have not and will never make a Frisk or Chara that is anything but nb.

At one point, a certain Frisk was going to maybe use She/They (or He/They, hadn't decided yet) instead of just They when they became a parent, but I scrapped that idea long before any of this.

It is completely correct to use they/them pronouns when talking about Frisk and Chara in general. These are all that are used in the game itself.

The pertinent question though is does this mean that Frisk and Chara are canonically nonbinary, and what of people who make variants/instances that aren't nonbinary?

Thus far, most of the argument I've seen in favor of nonbinary being a forcible requirement is only slightly more solid than claiming that the Boss in the Saints Row series must be nonbinary, as an example.

Yes, it is true that in SR2 and later, one chooses the boss's sex.

However, they also choose a voice, and the voice doesn't necessarily have to match the physical sex. Trans and NB Bosses are completely plausible within the game's canon. All dialogue just refers to the Boss as They/Them, regardless of player choice, to the best of my knowledge. Or just refers to them as "The Boss". In SR:GOOH, Satan (yes, the literal Prince of Darkness, ruler of literal actual Hell) refers to The Boss as "They" so yeah. Anyways.

Honestly the strongest argument I've seen in favor of NB Frisk and Chara being canon is "Because NB people could use the representation!" Which boils down to "Because I said so!" Which boils down to "Because f*** you, that's why"

Now, I personally love this reasoning and I'm already on board, but with three quirks.

1. I can see why other people may not be so satisfied with this. 2. I cannot see this as an absolute requirement preventing any other possible interpretation of Frisk and Chara being okay. 3. I do not find this a remotely strong enough reasoning to condone attacking other people over it.

I personally headcanon NB Frisks and Charas being by far the dominant kind across the entire Undertale trunk. And I look across the internet at the many, many wonderful creative people who have instanced Frisk and Chara, and I see that this is so. And this is how it should be.

Frisk and Chara are excellent NB representation.

I quite firmly believe Tobyfox intended this to be so, and created them as such.

On a side note, I just found out the "my last wish for undertale is that when discussion of it fades it dies peacefully instead of morphing into a garbage cesspool" tweet was faked. Probably should've figured that out a long time ago, that's not quite how toby tweets.

...

Anyways,

https://twitter.com/UnderTale/status/644614840925978624

Tobyfox, the one who made Frisk and Chara so readily NB, who put so much NB representation into the game in general, did not ask for this. He did not create them to be sticks to beat others with. They were a gift of kindness. To say "Hey. Hey you. You matter and are important and are valid. Have two complex characters who have no indicated and strongly ambiguous gender, not even barriers blocking a particular interpretation."

Thats the kicker. No barriers blocking a particular interpretation. The road goes both ways.

Frisk and Chara were meant to be characters one identified with. "It's me, Chara." "It's you!"

Frisk and Chara ought to be NB, yes. Unless otherwise specified, they're NB.

Thing is, not everyone who plays Undertale is nb.

real shocker there yeah

Point is, hurting someone who's not nb for identifying with Chara or Frisk is on the same level of behavior as yelling at someone for being kin with the same character as someone else, or yelling at someone for selfshipping with the same character as someone else.

It's immature, unkind, greedy, and completely unnecessary. Even illogical.

Even if Frisk and Chara were real in their own timelines and not just pixels on a screen, there are an infinite number of instances and infinite number of variations of them.

Even if infinities don't appease one, and they demand to examine the situation proportion/representation-wise, NB Frisk and Chara dominate the multiverse.

And if that does not satisfy, then what will?

Even if the entire infinite expanse was filled solely with nb Charas and Frisks, and there was only one Frisk across the trunk who was not nb, because they were created by one author in memory of a cis person who played and loved Undertale and fought through the entire game reset after reset, in a fruitless effort to save Asriel, will you rip that from their hands, in the name of "equal representation"?

Will you be like David in the bible, who had more than anyone could ask for, and lost it all because he wanted one last thing? One more person to be theirs as well?

There is a song by Tool which is very relevant here.

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tool/rightintwo.html

"Don't these talking monkeys know that Eden has enough to go around? Plenty in this holy garden, silly monkeys, Where there's one you're bound to divide it. Right in two."

I'm sorry, but I cannot condone vitriol over this. I cannot condone such hateful attitude and behaviors.

Just like the antifa who was punched by another antifa at a protest because they judged them by mere appearance to be a fascist, hatred doesn't accomplish anything.

There are times and places when due to the actions of other people, there is no valid choice remaining but violence.

This is seen in Undertale. Even when attempting to run a True Pacifist route, one has to beat down Asgore, and/or Flowey. This was seen back in WWII. We could not allow the Axis powers to enslave the world and murder whomever they wished.

This is not the case here.

Yes, there are those who purposely seek to misgender Frisks and Charas all around. Such folks correctly are rebuffed and banished to the shadows. And people who argue that Frisk or Chara canonically have to be a boy or girl really need to find a new hobby.

Those, if anyone, are the enemy. The lost, clueless, angry, bitter enemy, who need to be talked to and brought into the fold of those who know better, in true Undertale MERCY fashion. Or, if they will not listen, to be sent away, and blocked if harassment continues.

Random creatives on the internet who create a Frisk or Chara, maybe modelled after themselves, maybe after someone else, doens't matter, anyways, who happen to create one that isn't NB are not the enemy. Some young unlearned cis 12 year old who wants to be like Frisk and thinks Frisk is just like them, or that they are Frisk, and has little involvement with NB matters, or perhaps just hasn't yet heard of or seen how well NB and Chara and Frisk go together, is not the enemy.

NB folk have a lot of very, very real enemies. We have a long way to go as a species. Please, do not make up enemies where there are none.

I ask anyone who attacks others solely for having a different idea of Chara and Frisk's gender to please reconsider.

Please, spread NB Frisks and Charas all around the net. Let them enter the hearts of everyone who can appreciate this beautiful game. Not through anger and aggression, but through love and kindness and patience.

If you cannot abide my having such a stance on this, Mel, then I suppose this is farewell if you must break off all contact. And if you must leave, you may keep that commission money, whether or not you ever finish the art.

Thank you to anyone who reads the entirety of my words.

Day 1 - Angie

Monday 8:48 am:

Text from Dom:  “Hola!!! I miss you!  So curious how you be, wanna catch up? <3”

I wake up to this text.  3 mosquito bites on my forehead.  Some IG memes.  Snapchats.  Along with a slight depression because I am still funemployed and I hate not working.  Oh, and to texts from my other ex-boyfriend Jake who reached out because his step-father passed away this week.  

*Mind tries to swallow these feels*

9:50 am: Sends Mila a screenshot of Quinn’s text

9:53 am: Mila:  Oh my god.  Are you going to respond???????

*falls back asleep until MUFUGGING 4 PM* WHO THE FUK AM I.

(Dom is a well-known (I guess you could say famous) DJ ex-boyfriend of mine whom I asked to never reach out to me again back in January after the X-Games.  That was my breaking point of our “trying to be friends after dating” situation.  He is the reason I have an unordinarily negative outlook on love, relationships, and men.  And yet I still compare every guy I date to him.  How obsessed we were with each other, how we communicated, how we loved...I can’t put into words how it felt.  The best part was that it was mutual each step of the way.  But as time went on, we both changed.  Unfortunately for me, he turned into a lying, egotistical fuckboi.  He was a world-class manipulator and controlled my every move like I was his personal puppet.   He was also the *only* person who could make me cum in 30 seconds.  Yay for me.  After I found out about his sleezy nature and about all the PLUR baby girls he was banging, I could no longer cum.  Not even once.  That was it.  The flame burnt out.  Sexually, mentally, emotionally.  We tried and tried and tried and it just wouldn’t happen.  You can still try to love when your mind’s not in it, but when your heart’s not in it too, that’s when it’s game over.  Time to move on.  I appreciate the times we had because now I know how to love deeply.  I also knew what it felt like to be vulnerable, for once.  

Year 1 and 2 he showed me what true love was like.

Year 3 he tried to have an open relationship with me (with it being open on his end only, mind you) and consistently told me it’s natural for men to have multiple partners because they crave “sexual diversity”.  Even though he thought I was perfect, he still wanted a taste of something different.  He would tell me “if you don’t want any guy to cheat on you, you’re gonna have to get with a plumber.  Because guys in this day in age, if they’re successful, attractive, and are charming, they are going to have multiple partners.  That’s how it should be.”  He told me, “I become even more addicted to YOU, because of how free you allow me to be.”  

Pshhh, keep that shit away from me mayne.

Here is where my negative outlook on men began to cultivate.

Anyway, so I wanted him out of my life.  I felt like he was toxic to my mind and I just didn’t want him to flood my thoughts anymore.  I politely asked him to stop reaching out weekly and he freaked out.   He tried to text me four or five times after, and my short and disinterested responses seemed to have worked.  I haven’t heard from him since April.  And it’s been great!

However, it’s hard to escape his entirety.  My friends in Atlanta are all obsessed with his music.  He developed a friendship with my brother.  I still even enjoy his music.  His old body guard still messages me.  I can’t escape Stage Name, but I can still try and escape Dom.).

This text was like woah for me this morn.  

Rewind two days:

I had just talked with the guy I’ve been seeing Quinn (who is also in the music industry) about how Dom and I don’t talk anymore.  He seemed curious about it and said, “Doesn’t he live like 20 min away from you?”  I said yes, but trust me, he doesn’t know I live out here.  And I asked him not to reach out to me a while ago.  He hasn’t.  It’s fine.  Don’t worry.”   This happened Saturday night as I lay in his lap, listening to Deadmau5, looking up at the sky (and his cute ass face).  He was asking me all sorts of questions.  How many relationships have you been in, how long were they, etc.  

Soon after, we all packed into Dan’s car heading to an after-party at Mike’s loft.  As I sat on Quinn, knee to face and ass in lap, he bit my ear, kissed my neck, kept turning my head to make out with me...all in front of everyone.  After we had talked about how he doesn’t need to worry about Quinn, how I’m a good girl that doesn’t just hook up, and how I’m a deep girl with deep feelings, he seemed to have no worries at all.  I liked that.  He couldn’t stop hugging me.  I noticed that I didn’t care about PDA at all either, which is unusual for me.  PDA?  Me?  Naw…..well, I suppose yes with him :)

We hung out on the rooftop overlooking the ATL skyline.  Soon we both got tired and head to bed.  Of course, we ended up having sex even though the bedroom had missing walls (I get that it’s a loft but like, what about privacy?  Y tho).  Pretty sure people heard us.  But, again…..we didn’t care.   

Sunday:

*Alarm goes off* 12:10pm

Angie:  Shit.  Need to get up.  Guess I’ll get up and see how I look.  *Looks in mirror*  Okay, not too bad.  We can make this work.  A little foundation, brushed teeth, and change of clothes and I’ll be Gucci.

12:15pm: *whispers to Quinn*

Yo...we have to leave in 15.  You don’t have to come, but just letting you know.

Quinn: Wakes up all squinty-eyed.  Curly-headed mess.  Zombie walks to the bathroom and moans.  Walks back to bed.

I sift through my tiny gym bag of necessities (thanks to Skiplagged even tho I love you Skiplagged) and find a cute, chill outfit to wear.  In 10 min, I look gewwwwwd.  Slight bags underneath my eyes but that’s inevitable after a festival weekend.

I tap on Quinn to let him know I’m calling the Lyft.  He gets up, stares at the wall for 30 seconds (I look at him like ...da fuq.  He spaces off randomly and IDK if he’s really not thinking about anything or what but...I curious about you sometimes dawg) but then he finally makes moves and puts his shoes on, and says “Mmmk.  I’m ready.”

We meet my mom and brother for lunch.  My mom is being extra cute and Asian and Quinn just giggles and stares at me the whole time.  I keep putting food on his plate to eat (Korean style) and he just kept eating.  What a doll.  He tried everything too.  What. A. Doll.  Even though he’s the second guy I’ve ever introduced to my family, my fam kept it pretty chill.  I think they know not to get attached to any guy I talk to now ‘til it’s reaaaal.  But still.  Props to my fam.  They were very welcoming and adorable.  I knew he really liked them.

My brother drops us off at the loft again and we pass out for a couple hours.  <Insert last quiet attempt at sex here>   We did ittttttt.  Both came too.  Tehe.  I still couldn’t get on top because the bed squeaked too much, but still.  Fun times.

We both head to the airport and he’s constantly touching and grabbing me along the way.  He asked, “You think we’ll have time to dine?” I smiled, “Dine?...Yes, I think so.”  And he smiled back.

We “dined” at Grindhouse Killer Burgers and just chatted.  Kept looking at the time, hoping time would pass slower.

I had 5 minutes until boarding ended, so we started to walk towards my gate.  Right before we got there, he asked when I’d see him again.  Of course I agreed to come down to LA.  We kissed goodbye and I hopped on my flight just in the knick of time.  Had bitch seat in between one chick playing loud ass electronic music and another watching football on her phone the whole time chewing her gum like Cardi B would (one of my biggest pet peeves).  And no TV.  So I decided to just try and sleep the entire way.

Decide to take BART home.  I see McD’s next to the station...so I decide to make moves.

Get home to wifey Mila.  I have a McDouble in hand.  I plop down on the couch and eat my burgz.  I barely ate all weekend so it was pretty fucking delicious.  We talk some then both decide to go to sleep.

I had awful sleep because I kept getting mufugging bit in the face by mosquitoes lurking in my room.  

I woke up Monday like…………………..is this for real?  Universe.  I see you.

Dom...really?  Now?

Also, last time I got bit in my face by a mosquito was when I was with Quinn on a hike a couple years ago and my forehead literally grew an inch because of how I react to mosquito bites.  He constantly laughed at me because of how cute it was to him.  Was this foreshadow, Universe?  Cuz...I still see you.

Anyway, all this is making me question if I could be with someone in the music industry again.  I lurked Quinn’s IG haaaard the other day and it was all fest/show life.  

I really dig Quinn, but during this next trip, I want to get to know him more and see what his everyday life is like.  And what his normal communication is like.  I can’t tell if he’s just shy and quiet or if he likes to keep the game interesting by being quiet.  I told Mila I want to have a communication level to a degree where Quinn and I shared, and she was like, “You compare every guy to Quinn,” and I was like…damn, you’re right.  But just because I want that communication level doesn’t mean I want a guy like Quinn.  Quinn is a broken dude who will always be broken.  I just look for the way our convo flowed.  Kinda like the way Mila and my convo flows.  I need that.  

So, bought my flight to LA (exact same one as Mila cuz she’ll be there for her poker playaz) today.  

Oct. 13…………oh lordt.

(I also messaged my bartending connect today.  We are meeting this weekend.  I think I’m gonna go this route for now.  Fukkkk sales.  I mentioned this so you don’t think I’m a lazy POS, lulz).  But really.  I am excited to see where this goes.

11:20pm:  Mila’s Jonah Hill doppelgänger just called.  He’s totally in love and trying to pay for her flight out this weekend.  She’s playing it cool by saying she has to check with her boss (which I’m sure she does) but I can tell wifey needs to think a lil about it.  I’m so curious to see how this weekend would go for her if she decides to go.  He’s suggesting she stay a good amount of time.  Her and this super sexy dark Kocoum look-a-like (who is roomies with Jonah at the cheez mansion) have this intense chemistry going on, and I’m sooooo curious to see how it unravels.  If she doesn’t go this weekend, Mila and I are both going to be in LA Oct. 13th wknd.  We are gonna have two completely different blog entries, I can tell ya that much, lolz.  I’ll be with Quinn mostly and she’s gonna have to fend off Chuck and Jonah, but try and sneak away with Kocoum.  Also while trying to slay at poker.  I happened to be at this mansion during fight night in LA a couple weeks before with Quinn and met all these guys.  Completely randomly with different connects.  The one guy I noticed and thought was cute was the guy she picked out--Kocoum.  Go Mila :) 

Arrrittttee.

****Time to sign off****

-Angie

Survey #302

“heaven ain’t close in a place like this”

What color are your eyes? Grayish blue. What's your favorite type of milk? If we're talking the basics, ig 1% is fine. What would you change about your appearance if you could? Oh, hunny, you got time for an essay? What would you change about your bedroom if you could? I need to fucking finish decorating it... It's not finished by no fault but my own laziness. Are you rich or poor? We're definitely pretty poor. Are you double jointed? I don't think so. What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? I once had a large infected cyst that had to be drained by applying pressure to it, and I swear to Christ I don't know how I didn't faint. They gave me morphine and multiple numbing shots, but none of that did SHIT. I'm not even embarrassed by the fact I was shrieking and sobbing and swearing because I'm pretty fucking sure any sane person would've cried out many times. I'm convinced they either didn't numb me enough for someone of my size back then, or I should've just gone under for it. I have no words for how painful it really was. Do you like shots? Uh, given that nobody LIKES getting a shot with a needle, I'm going to assume you mean like, taking shots of alcohol, in which case I've never tried, but I can almost absolutely guarantee you I'd hate them. I hate the taste of alcohol (hence why I only drink sweet and weak stuff), sooooo, I've got my doubts I'd enjoy something so potent. Are you afraid of spiders? Yes and no? Small ones don't tend to get to me, and I LOVE tarantulas. Big spiders are absolutely fascinating and I love *watching* them, but if I was surprised by a sudden spider, I'm going to probably cry out and jump/scramble away. But on a real note, respect your spiders, whether they scare you or not. They are so important to the ecosystem. See one in the house, take it outside if you can. Have you ever had an allergic reaction to something? To some earrings, yes. I have to wear ones that don't have silver in them. Do you like to read? Yeah, but not nearly as much as I did as a kid. I'm even slacking on WoF lately... Do you know what your purpose in life is? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* BITCH I WISH I KNEW What's something you would like to improve at? Not being a socially anxious catastrophe. Do you believe you have great potential? Everybody does. You just have to use it. What is the most beautiful scenery you have ever beheld? Probably the mountains when driving to Tennessee. Or New York? I really can't recall either so clearly as to have a favorite. Are you flexible? Noooot anymore. Back in my WiiFit days, I was a gotdamn snake. List a song lyric that you like. Oh Jesus, don't make me think. Uhhhhh there's so many. Flipping through artists in my head with lyrics I tend to love, there's Otep with: "hey, hey, NRA, how many kids did you kill today?". Simple, but spine-chilling to me. Huh, time to listen to it actually, lol. That song murders me with the goosebumps. Do you meditate? No; I can't. You can't tell me to "free my mind," man. It's way too hectic at all times up there. What's one place you've been to that you want to visit again? I'd love to go back to Chicago one night when I actually learn how to do nighttime urban photography. What's one place you want to go that you've never visited before? I always answer "South Africa" to questions like this, so for variety's sake, I'll say the Bahamas. But a conspiratory bitch is afraid of the Bermuda Triangle, so... lmao. What's your favorite type of tree? I like big, impressive weeping willows. How many times have you seriously injured yourself? Only two occasions I can think of immediately. Maybe there's more, but idk. Did you attend Sunday School as a child? Yeah, even though I hated it. What is the longest your hair has ever been? Maybe a little passed the small of my back? What about the shortest? (not including being a toddler or baby): How it is now and has been for a couple years: shaved short on the left side, and it transitions to a length near my chin as you go to the right. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Are/were you in the school band, and if so, what instrument did you play? I did, and I played the flute. I'd choose the saxophone if I could go back. Who does the grocery shopping in your household? Well, it's just Mom and me, so her. If you were to donate to charity today, what would you donate to? One that focuses on ovarian cancer for Mom. What is your favorite card game and when was the last time you played it? Even though I was never great at it or knew every single rule, "Magic: The Gathering" is honestly really fun, and I loved looking at the card art. I haven't played it since I was with Jason, so at least five-six years. Would you consider yourself to be good at spelling and grammar? Yeah, but I've somehow gotten worse with time???? I question the spelling and tenses of words I write a lot. What is your favourite seasonal candy? (only available at certain times): Probably like, chocolate rabbits. NOT hollow. Way to break my heart. Or gingerbread cookies. What was the last chocolate bar you ate? I think a Hershey's? It was a while ago. Who was the last person you talked to on Skype/video chat? I was in a Zoom session with multiple people for my partial hospitalization program. Have you ever dreamt about sleeping with someone other than your partner? If so, did that make you feel embarrassed? I've never had a dream like this while in a relationship. The last time you had butterflies in your stomach, what was the reason? I have no idea. Has anyone told you that they miss you recently? No. Has anyone ever asked you out or told you that they liked you, and you rejected them? Can you explain why you didn’t like, or didn’t feel attracted to that person? There was this one guy in the 4th grade who asked me if I would go out with him so much it almost became like a joke. I just... didn't like him like that. Then there's Juan; I'd just been warned that he had a bad rep by a very reliable adult, and the idea of dating him was kinda... intimidating anyway. Plus he was a smoker, which was and still is a no-no for me. What part in a movie would you love to play? The clinically insane villain or something because I feel with my history, I could channel that very well IF I actually wanted to act in the first place. What piece of furniture have you replaced the most? The couch. What’s the best part of your favorite movie? When Simba walks up Pride Rock in the rain and roars and all the lionesses join in. Chilling. What do you think is the most over-rated candy ever? Candy corn is repulsive. What was the highlight of your day? My mom was raving to one of my therapists in the PHP about my art and how badly she wants me to just get everything out there. I was smiling really big but looking down with how shy but also flattered it made me. Do you know anyone who is anorexic? I don't think so. Who has hurt you the most this year? Ha, myself. What's the last insult someone said to you? Hm. How much did your car cost? N/A What is the last picture you received on your phone of? Uhhh Mom mighta sent me a meme or Sara showed me a drawing someone made of Suriza, I think. Have you ever let someone go because you thought they deserved better? No, though I've felt that way before. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now? I'm still not over the fact Dad was a druggie before me and my sisters, apparently. It's almost like... hurtful in some weird way? Idk exactly why, it's just something I know I feel. What do you hear right now? I have Motionless In White's cover of "Somebody Told Me" playing in another tab. Do you do anything to help the environment? I do what I can as someone who isn't financially independent and reliant on another person for transportation. I won't litter for anything (and this includes shit like letting balloons go in the air, fucking stop), I'm trying to use my metal straw always in place of plastic, and to use less plastic bags, I try to spread out the times I clean Roman's litterbox to a few days; not to the point it's disgusting or uncomfortable for him, of course, though. Three days without is pretty much max. When's the last time you did something you knew was wrong? Ha, a little while ago... I was trying to avoid eating the two last biscuits Mom made for dinner 'cuz I really gotta lay off the carbs, but Mom "joked" that "it's your birthday, you get to do whatever you want," so I kinda just said fuck it lmao. Do you think that you have a pretty smile? No, because my eyes squint badly, and I also hate my teeth. When's the last time you cried over a guy? A few days ago a little bit, actually. I was reminiscing too much and recalling some of the warmest memories. Are you scared to lose the person you fell the hardest for? I already did. Oh well. Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now? Yep. Do you have any friends that actually model? No. Do you care about the last person you kissed? A fucking lot. Do they care about you? Yes. Is there someone you wish you were with right now? Yes, just because of past birthday memories. I keep hoping a "happy birthday Britt" pops up in my FB messenger, and I hate myself for it. Have you ever imagined how it would feel kissing a certain someone? I legitimately just huffed in humor, guess, lmao. What are the bad things you've heard people say about you? That I'm a martyr, going nowhere, lazy, not trying hard enough, y'know, all that good stuff. Do you flirt a lot? Definitely not. What phrase or saying do you use the most? Probably "oof" lol. What mood are you in right now? I'm doing pretty all right. Kinda dreading Miss Tobey coming over, mean as it is, but I just... don't wanna deal with her and her judgments on my birthday. But I'm looking forward to seeing my sisters, and therapy went very well. Have you ever kissed someone that was high? No. Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Yep. How many exes do you have? I only consider two exes "serious," as I've only been in two deep and long-term relationships, but if we're counting everyone who's had the label of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," there's six. Do you want to be single or with someone? Ugh, I don't know. It's probably better I don't 'til I figure my shit out, but I really do miss the companionship a lot. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because I love her and I was leaving her at the airport. Does your mom think you’re a virgin? She doesn't know for the same reason I don't, really. I think she leans towards I am, but idk. Is there someone that wants you to give them a second chance? I don't know. What size bra do you wear? Uhhh I genuinely don't buy bras enough to know this exactly. C-something. Does the person you last kissed still like you? I don't know if she still like-likes me. Are your parents still together? Noooo. Was your first time good or bad? I dated an Italian, if u kno what I mean. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Which friend-turned-enemy do you miss the most? Colleen, sometimes. Have you ever used an epi pen, and it worked? I have not. What is on your top priority list for today? Make this fuckin' day for me. I'm trying to not let the depression sink in and make me feel worthless on today of all days. So I'm trying to stay in a positive headspace. Do you own any sand art in a jar? Omg, those are so cool! But no. Does the sun come in your window in the morning or at night? Not really; there's houses in the way. What was the last piece of art you created? A drawing of a meerkat with its mouth open angrily, done with colored pencils, against a black background. It's on my second dA. What time of day do you take medications? I have prescription meds for when I wake up and at bedtime. What's your newest hobby you've started? A new hobby? Huh... What are some things you wanted to do that your parents didn't let you do? They wouldn't let us stay home alone until a certain age, we had a timer on the TV at bedtime to shut off after a while, we weren't exposed to certain music or shows, no cursing... stuff like that. What YouTube channels do you recommend? This is a BAD question to ask me, 'cuz I could just about recommend channels for just about any niche. I watch soooooo many. What is your favorite day of the week? Tuesday, because it's reset day in WoW, haha. Meaning, I get to do my stupid mount farming raids again for the week. Blackhand, gimme your FUCKING clefthoof already. Ballet or cheerleading? Ballet is beautiful. What are your favorite sports to watch? Only dancing, really. Were you ever in the marching band? No. Which holiday has the best decorations, in your opinion? My contrasting aesthetics make this hard, haha. I love Christmas with all the beautiful light displays people can make, but let's not sleep on Halloween, y'all. I loooove Halloween decor, like c'mon, that's where I get shit for my room year-round, lmao. What do you want to be known for? It'd actually be kinda cool if I built up some sort of rep in the vulture culture community with my photography of roadkill. For how few shots I actually have on there and minimal interaction, my Instagram for it is doing quite well, if you consider those factors. They've gotten some pretty decent attention on dA, too. I would love for people to know why I do it though, of course: awareness and respect for the animal's life. How often do you wear make-up? Almost never nowadays. Think of the person you are jealous of...what are you jealous of them for? She's actually making a career out of her photography. Do you have art that you made in high school? Oh, plenty. Do you have trauma in your past? *clears throat* take a fuckin seat Favorite type of frosting? Chocolate. Have you ever tried cake decorating? No. One of my sisters is actually one, though! She's great at it. What clubs are you a part of? None. What was your favorite book that you had to read for school? The Outsiders. 6th grade, to be exact. Do you like to read classics, or do you usually read new arrivals? I don't prefer one over the other, honestly. Were you a big partier in college? No, I never partied. Is your college one you would recommend? My most recent one, fuck yes. They're amazing and care so deeply for their students. Would you go camping in the woods alone? Yikes, no. Would you name your kids after anyone? If I had a son and I had my way with the name, he would be named after the Most Selfless Man in the World, Damien from WKM. :'''''( Do you have any supernatural gifts? No. Are there any good churches in your town? You're asking someone who has a bad relationship with religion. Do you want an indoor or outdoor wedding? It really depends on the season and venue my spouse and I pick. Do you think you would be a good salesperson? HEEEEEEEEEEEELL NAW fam. I ain't pressuring people to buy shit.

Survey #247

“i tried to choke my mom with my umbilical cord, the doctor was too busy amputating my horns.”

Have you ever had confetti pancakes? I don't believe so. Do you obsess over your appearance? To a degree, ex. in regards to weight. Are you responsible for stuffing someone’s stocking? No. What’s your favorite romantic comedy? Ah man, idk. I like romcoms, just none are coming to mind right now. Do you stock up on make-up palettes during November? ????? no????? Have you ever taken a class online? Yes. Do you have a Neopets account? Omg I have so many piled up, I'm sure, lol. Loved that shit and kept going back. Do you make your own smoothies or juices? No. Do you think time really does heal all? No. Are you more sensitive to heat or the cold? HEAT, FUCKING CHRIST. Has anyone searched your room for anything recently? Mom helped me search for one of my mood stabilizers that the cat got out of my basket... We never found it. A new bottle. Thank god my psychiatrist just gave me a sample pack til my prescription can be refilled. Is anything in your room purposely hidden? Yes. Do you get a cold around the holidays? I rarely get sick, regardless of the season. Does it snow where you live? Rarely. Have you ever been pranked via hidden camera? No. Is hair gel a turn off on guys? "Not necessarily, but too much can be." <<<< This. Do you think cursing makes people sound unintelligent? Lol fuck off. What’s something you can cook extremely well? The only thing I CAN cook is cheesy scrambled eggs but I mean they're exceptionally good lol. Have you ever been bitten by a snake? Nope. How about a spider? Possibly at some point. If you don't want kids, was there ever a time you did, and vice-versa? The only time I ever wanted kids was deep into Jason's and my relationship. It's funny because I wanted three and now I'm just all NOPE. I stopped wanting kids after him. What is your favorite color for bridesmaid dresses? Idc. Do you ever count sheep to help you fall asleep? No. Do you have a youtube channel? If so, when did you start it? Yeah. I was on YouTube real early... don't remember the actual year, though. Do you have a secret crush right now? No. When was the last time you called customer service? I haven't. Do you take birth control pills? Not currently for mood reasons, but with my incredible fear of being raped, I kinda wanna go back. Do you like chocolate cake? Yeah man. Do you know anyone who doesn’t want to have kids? Plenty of people, myself included. Do you regret letting a certain guy or girl slip away? Ugh idk. There's no telling how awfully or well that path would've gone. Have you ever fainted? Yes. Do you consider yourself a good artist? Decent, anyway. Do you ever play board games anymore? Not really, I don't enjoy board games. The only time I ever really do is if Girt's over cuz that's like our "thing." Who was your first celebrity crush? Whew, Jesse McCartney. Who in your family did you get your height from? Mom. Who did you get your smile from? your hair color? your eye color? Smile, idk. Hair, also unsure. Dad was born dirty blond like me, but his hair turned black. Meanwhile I think Mom has always had brown hair, but hers is very dark/almost black. My maternal grandpa had blue eyes like me. Do you have big or small hands? Idk, normal. What was the name of your first imaginary friend you remember having? I never really had one. Do you pray to God regularly? Considering I don't believe in Him, no. What is your favorite version of the Bible to read? Even growing up religious, I sure never spent time reading various versions of the Bible. Have you been baptized? If so, how and where were you baptized? I was as a baby in a Roman Catholic church. You know, the traditional baptism with being dipped in water. Do you eat meat? Sadly. What college did you go to? and what was your major? I'm not sharing what college I go to, but my major is Art & Design. Do you miss living with a roommate? I look back on living with Jason, Jacob, and Amanda fondly most of the time, but idk if I can say I miss it. I at least don't miss my mental health. Have you ever been abused in any way? I feel incredibly thankful that I haven't... It seems like most people I know have been in some way or form. Do you like unicorns? Yeah man, they're dope. How old were you when you found out Santa wasn’t real? Idk, some year in elementary school. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Ha ha no, I've got a cat for that. He insists on being cuddled most of the time. Name 3 things you are allergic to. Just pollen and silver. Oh, I do get headaches from artificial sweeteners, but "allergic" seems like the wrong word. Is there one book you have read over and over again because it’s so good? if so, which is it? The only two books I know I've read more than once are Because of Winn-Dixie and the Meerkat Manor book. Who was your favorite Rugrats character? Uhhh I think it was just regular ole Tommy. Which fairytale resembles your life the most? Uh idk. Do you play games on your phone a lot? No. What’s your favorite thing to do on your phone? Text Sara. Where do you buy most of your clothes? Wal-Mart or Hot Topic. Who is your favorite cousin? I don't have a favorite. Do you have family that lives in another state? Oh yeah, we're all the hell over the place. What states have you lived in? Only NC. Do you watch birth vlogs on youtube? bitch what the fuck What is your favorite type of cake? Red velvet. Favorite arcade game? I neeeeeed to find an arcade one day that actually has the Silent Hill game. It's so rare. I'm sure I'd love it. Have you ever found a roller coaster relaxing? Uh no, but I've never been on one, nor can I even imagine one ever being relaxing. Have you ever seen a spirit? I believe I have. Have you ever been kidnapped? Yikes no. Is there a running trail near your house? Not that I'm aware of. A game you cheated on in elementary school? None that I remember? Do you wear a retainer at night? I'm SUPPOSED to, but I haven't in so long that it doesn't even fit anymore. Where is the last place you had a kiss? The airport. When was the last time you cried out of physical pain? I think it hasn't been since that infected cyst was drained in like late '16. FUCK that. Have you ever done anything to Support the Troops? No. Do you donate blood? I did once, but now I'm too nervous to because I know I don't drink enough water and don't wanna faint. Have you ever owned the socks with toes on them? Ha, yeah, my sisters and I did. They were just a silly gift sometimes. What were you the last time you went trick or treating? WOW I couldn't even try to tell you, that's reaching far back. What was your favorite part about studying ancient Greeks and Romans? The badass names lmao. Where did your mom go to high school? Somewhere in NY. What’s a subject you would never major in? Mathematics. Is there someone who you can turn to for money and not be ashamed? No. I'm only EVER capable of doing so with Mom, but even then I don't like it. Have you ever swam in a river? Yeah, as a kiddo. I don't think I would now. What food do you love the smell of while it’s cooking? Cinnamon rolls omfggggg. What food do you hate the smell of uncooked? Fish, I guess? Has a bee ever stung you? Yes, once. Where did you last go camping? Never been. In what month do you start Christmas shopping? I can't Christmas shop considering I don't have an income. Have you ever slept in a bed with someone with bad BO? Yes. Do you have a favorite flavor at Baskin Robbins? No. Have you ever had a crush on a celebrity of the same sex? HUNNY Hannah Hart is a GODDESS godDAMN What kind of flowers would you plant in your garden? I'm too lazy for a garden. Do you believe that kids should be taught abstinence? I would definitely inform them of it being a completely valid and safest form of STD prevention, but I don't believe it should be what is "right." What's important is educating them on safe sex and to choose whom they're intimate with very carefully. I absolutely encourage them being taught what being "too young" means, too. Now what "too young" is can be argued, but let's be a late teen at least. When’s the last time you went to Chuck E. Cheese? Boy, I don't have a clue. What’s your favorite cheese or cheese flavored food? American. Cheese-flavored food is absolutely impossible to pick. Do you like black licorice? I hate licorice. Do you watch anything on the E! network? No. Have you ever tried out or thought of trying out for American Idol? Nope. Did you keep any momentos of high school dances? I had my... what's it called? The flower band on your wrist? Whatever, I had that for a long time. Do you still have clothes from your high school dances? I have both prom dresses. I'm probably gonna try to sell them this prom season though because I have absolutely no reason to keep them, and I'm poor lmao. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No. Ever been to the original 13 colonies? I live in NC so like,,, Have you ever been to a concert that got out of control? Nope. Can you jump rope double dutch? I used to be able to as a kid. I loved jump rope. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? Eek... idk. Actually, I might know. I want to know, but also don't, if whether or not how I treated Jason after the breakup was abusive or not. I've asked people in my life, old therapist included, if it was from what I told them (which was honest), and the unanimous answer has been no, that I was sick/actually insane and heartbroken beyond words, but yeah. I still wonder about it. Do you have a bucket list? If so, what are the top three things? Not really, but I mean of course there's things I wanna do, top two (idk about three) being to meet Mark and visit the KMP to photograph and pet the meerkats. Do you feel you had a happy childhood? For the most part, yeah. When did you last cry in front of another person? Last week when I was having a meltdown about school. How do you feel about tattoos and piercings? Explain. I LIVE!!!!!!!! FOR THEM!!!!!!!! As someone who never felt totally comfortable in her body, one thing that has always helped me has been new tats and piercings. It's like a more permanent form of make-up, you could say. All they've ever done is make me like a part of myself. Do you wear a lot of makeup? Why/why not? I almost never do unless I want to take a "pretty" picture. Talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. JINKIES!!!!!!! UHHHHHHH man that's hard 'cuz there's a whole whoppin' load. I guess I can talk about some lyrics from Ozzy's "Life Won't Wait" that used to make me really emotional back in the dark days: "Every day that you wait, you're falling faster / no sleight of hand, no twist of fate, no ever after / when it's gone - it's gone, a fight to the bitter end." Just that whole song used to sting so much when I felt like I really was just entirely wasting my life being sad every day. Just like... a lot of Ozzy's lyrics have really resonated and stuck with me. I still have the hardest time believing the Parkinson's news. God, life's cruel. Poison a legendary singer's voice. I hope, so long he feels truly capable, this concert still happens so I can actually hear and see him one time and literally sob and okay I'm getting emotional basically I Love Ozzy Osbourne. List the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. Ha, speaking of concerts. Only seen Alice Cooper, but it was aaaaaaamazing! Outside in a (mostly light) thunderstorm playing some classic good shit. It was a fun adventure, especially having my younger sis, a full-on redneck, come along just because she was bored and came for the ride. She was so, so, SO confused and creeped out and was NOT fucking happy when he brought his python on stage as he usually does. We were absolutely drenched when it was over; the ride home, we were freezing, and changing out of those soaked clothes was like a holy experience. Who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? Jason telling me he forgives me and doesn't hate me. Do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organized/not organized? I don't, sadly. My bed is where I do like... everything, which I hate. I'd love to turn my sister's old room into like my "work" room, where I do homework, draw, etc., but I can't for a number of reasons. What is your night time routine? Go to the bathroom, take my meds, go to bed. Not very complicated. What’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? Certain places I've "done things" oops. If you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? I wanna dye my hair lilac currently. I wouldn't change the style. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? N/A What’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? Murder, to name just one. If you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? If you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? My hair is short now. What is the most important thing to you in your life right now? My mental health.

Survey #231

too lazy to even think of song lyrics to put, just have this

Do bridges make you nervous? Somewhat. Are there any movies that you find so dumb, you find funny? Aha, Napoleon Dynamite. Do you have any older siblings? Four + one I don't know. How often do you vacation? Pretty much never. Are you currently having any cellular problems? My phone is ACTUAL horse shit. Have you ever tried to meet up with someone from online? With Sara, multiple times now. :') It'd be fantastic if when I go to South Africa I can meet Shaylee when I visit to the KMP, and my other friend Alyssa knows how badly I wanna meet Mark, so she insists on me going with her one day if he ever goes back to PAX East. I'd love to meet Connie, too. If you could have any car right now, what would you want exactly? Eh, I don't know car types. Something medium/smallish (I don't want very small for safety reasons) that's either burnt orange or red and just pretty and sleek. Do you think it’s cruel to leave a live fish to die in an ice box? Um???????? YEAH????????????????? Have you ever done anything sexual with someone of the same sex? Yeah. Do you collect issues of a certain magazine? No. Have you ever pawned anything off at a pawn shop? Nah. Do you have stomach abs? Ha, I wish. Do you know anyone who is trying to physically impersonate a celebrity? No, but oh my god, so my friend Leon, right? He looks UNCANNILY like Leon Kennedy (WEIRD name coincidence????) from the Resident Evil series so much that he dressed as him one day. The resemblance is fucking unbelievable, especially when his hair was longer in the front. Do you have the Bakery Story app? Haven't heard of it. Do you watch Sister Wives? Haven't heard of that, either. How do you feel about polygamy? It's definitely not for me, but if it's KNOWINGLY between a consenting, happy group of people, you do you, man. Just hardcore practice safe sex. Have you ever seen a shuttle launch? No. What would your parents say is the worst thing you’ve ever done? I haven't got a clue. I'd assume Mom would probably say me texting her "fuck you" even though she deserved it. Dad, probably the letter I wrote him after the divorce. Are we having signs of the apocalypse? I don't even remember the Biblical signs besides like, swarms of locusts and humanity's focus shifting to materialism. I say rather we're having actually scientific signs of a mass extinction coming in the next few centuries, probably, or sooner. Historically, we're extremely overdue for one, anyway. Global warming, the ozone, overpopulation, pollution... you know, all that jazz. We're killing the earth. Would you rather see The Blue Man Group or Fear Factor live? Blue Man Group. Do you have any vintage clothing? Man, I wish. Are you glad to accept any certain person’s hand-me-downs? "As long as it fits and it’s like, clean, I guess?" <<<< This. Have you ever bought anything at Rue 21? Yeah, I like that store. The graphic tees section, at least. What color of colored contacts would you like to have? Like, purple or something. NO, cyan. Gimme a Manson feel. What’s on your bed? Me, Teddy, Roman, my laptop and mouse, my pillows, sheets, blanket, phone... Your floor besides furniture? My bookbag and purse. Wires. Shoes. Your dresser? My meerkat collection, along with some other plushies. The top shelf in your closet? I have no clue. Are there any dead stuffed animals in your house? Uh, you mean taxidermy? No. I am viciously against hunting "trophies." HOWEVER, I'm deeply into vulture culture and have mixed feelings about making art of NATURALLY deceased wildlife... A part of me says that's disrespectful, and then the other says it's very honoring and respectful, to immortalize an animal's beauty as art after experiencing a good life. It's something I semi-want to get into, but again, I'm torn on my thoughts about it. Do you know anyone who goes fishing, but doesn’t like fish? Do you mean like, eating fish? I'll fish with Dad if he invites me (I otherwise stopped as I don't support it if not necessary for food, but this has always been my and Dad's "thing"), but I hate fish as food. If you mean they don't enjoy fish as animals, I don't think so. What’s the best prize you’ve won on an amusement park/carnival game? I don't have a clue. Have you ever done anything sexual in a school? No, besides simple kisses. Have you ever been indoor skydiving? No. Would you have any interest in going on a cruise? No. Being out in the ocean scares me. Have you ever been to a Chinatown in any of the cities you’ve been to? No. How old was the oldest person you’ve dated? Maybe like, five years older. Do you know anyone who has their own podcast? No. Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No. How many children do you want, and how did you decide on this number? None. I decided because 1.) I would be a terrible mother, 2.) I'm not putting anyone's well-being above my own ever again, 3.) I'm not dedicating the remainder of my life trying to raise someone who might end up not even caring about me, and 4.) they're fuckin expensive and I've been poor my whole life and will do almost anything to keep my bills and expenses in general as low as possible. Where did your last kiss take place? The airport. Did you often read for fun when you were a kid? Oh, definitely. I loved reading. ^ What were some of your favorite books? Little-little kid books included Stellaluna, What Makes a Rainbow?, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, The Rainbow Fish, 10 Minutes 'Til Bedtime... a lot. As like an elementary student, I was really into the Magic Tree House and Hank the Cowdog series. Then in middle school, Warriors dominated my bookshelf. Are you more of a visual learner or an auditory learner? Visual. Do you have any dietary restrictions? No. Do you prefer Google Maps, Apple Maps, Waze, or something else? I've never used any. What is your favorite coffee brand? N/A What is your favorite tea brand? N/A Have you ever worn false eyelashes? No. I probably only will for maybe my wedding. How old does someone have to be for you to see them as an adult? 21 I guess. Do you ever ‘manspread’ when you sit down? Uh. I actually don't know. I don't pay attention. Which of your good habits has made the biggest positive difference in your life? Coming to understand I have to put myself first, probably. Or learning how to talk to myself gently. Have you ever dated someone who was very lazy? No. Have you ever turned down a job offer? No. Have you ever been fired from a job? No. I always quit too early for that, really. Do you overuse smileys? I don't think so. At least not anywhere near how I did as a pre-teen in the "LOL rANdoM!!!!!! XD" phase. Who is better; Madonna or Blondie? Idk. Who is better; Elton John or Billy Joel? BILLY!!!!!!! Name three website you visit every day: YouTube, Kalahari Manor, and deviantART. Have you seen all of the Jaws movies? Tyler and I watched the first one. I don't remember what I thought about it, really. Have you ever worn black eyeliner? "Yeah. That’s the only kind I wear." <<<< This. Have you ever worn blue mascara? No. That'd look weird on me. Hm, or maybe not. Maybe it'd bring out my blue eyes. Ever spiked your hair? No. How long have you had a computer? I don't have a clue. Have you ever written something, and published it on the internet? Well yeah? When was the last time you played cards? (not on the computer) Hell, forever ago when I was at Colleen's with Girt and we played CAH. Can you play chess? Nope. When was the last time you read a book over 700 pages long? Shit man, no clue. I don't know if I ever have. Have you ever drank cherry Coke? GOOD STUFF Do you prefer using pens or pencils? Pencils, considering you can erase. I avoid using pens if I can. Have you ever skipped for a long distance? Maybe as a little kid? Are you excited for the holidays? Halloween was disappointing, as I did absolutely zip. I honestly don't care about Thanksgiving. We always just go have dinner with Ashley's bigot in-laws. I'm VERY hyped for Christmas 'cuz I'm probably gonna be with Sara!! Can you play any instruments? I played the flute for years, but I don't think I could remember how to now. Are you a Facebook addict? Nah. Are you afraid of stink bugs? YEAH. I hate beetle-like insects. Do you have a printer? Yeah. Does anyone own any embarrassing pictures of you? HAHAHAHA I HOPE SHE DOESN'T STILL HAVE IT, MY FRIEND ONCE TOOK A PICTURE OF ME IN THE MIDDLE OF EATING A HOT DOG AND I JUST REALLY HATE IT. Do you still live at home? Yeah. Are you currently enrolled in college? Yep. Do you care what others say about you? Way too much. Have you ever played Farmville? No. What is your favorite video game? Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus. What song represents your life the best? "Get Up" by Mother Mother makes me think of myself A LOT. Are you into anime? Yeah. Name one movie that has made you cry more than once. The Notebook. Always. Do you watch the Disney Channel? Not anymore. Do you swear? Way too much. Do you overthink things? You wouldn't BELIEVE how much I do. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet? A fuckin ginormous black lab until Ashley moved out. He wasn't even full-grown. Do you own any kind of helmet? No. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? As a kid, I was running on the gravel road and slipped and fell. I scraped my knees to the point of pus coming out. It took a loooong time to heal. I cried SO fucking loudly. Bad, bad memory made only worse because Dad got so annoyed by it that he yelled at me to shut up. Happy beyond words he changed so much after the divorce and stopped drinking. What is something you like to have conversations about? MARK and other YouTubers I love to an unreasonable height, meerkats, vidya games I enjoy, RP, bands I love... What all is in the trunk of your car? I don't have a clue. Do you ever put fruit on your cereal? EW no. I hate that shit. How do you usually celebrate your favorite holiday? By doing nothing, lately. I don't have anywhere to go, so no point in even dressing up. Plus I can't afford costumes. When was the last time you drove something other than a car or truck? Uh. I have zero clue. Have you ever eaten/drank something and then realized it was past the expiration date? Probably at some point. Do you own any jewelry containing your birthstone? I have an amethyst angel pin from my grandmother. When I was in high school and going through my most suicidal phases, I wore it on my shirt underneath my hoodies. What is something unusual that annoys you? Hm. Well, I think this resonates with a lot of people at least to a mild degree, but it really angers me when people don't put their shopping carts back and just sit them in/by a parking spot. Fucking lazy as hell. Does mind over matter work for you? Rarely. What was the last thing you were invited to? No clue. Well, besides the obvious things like my niece and nephew's b-day parties, I don't know. What item should never be shared? Stealing the last person's answer: your toothbrush. What do you usually order at Taco Bell? A cheese quesadilla and fiesta potatoes. Sometimes the cinnamon delight things instead of the potatoes. Have you ever sat all the way through Gone With the Wind? No. Does drinking alcohol make you act more like your true self? I don't know if it's my "true" self, but I'm more extroverted and calmer. Have you ever googled a name and found somebody? Uhhhh so this is probably so incredibly creepy, but I jumped through hoops finding Jason's landline a few days before my suicide attempt because I was absolutely desperate to talk to him. It was in the dead of night and his sweetheart mom picked up and spoke with me for like two whole hours trying to calm me down. Jason was asleep, apparently. I miss that woman. She was so patient and gentle that night. Okay I'm honestly getting pretty emotional recalling that night so MOVING ON. What is your favorite possession? My iPod, really. I've had it since middle school and has 1k+ songs on it that I, like an idiot, am too lazy to back up... soooo when it dies, which it's WAY overdue to do, I will probably tear the world in two. What makes you feel like you are young again? Laughing hysterically. Especially when I do this little squeaking sound. Girt pointed it out all the time and since then I've actually paid attention to it and it's fuckin cute tbh. Are you picky? You. Don't. Even. KNOW. You have one wish, what would it be? World peace. How tall is the person you like? Shorter or taller? She's just like two inches shorter at 5'2''. How tall was the tallest person you’ve dated? Fucking hell, Girt was AT LEAST 6', I'm sure taller. I only reached his chest. How many foreign friends do you have? Oh boy, plenty. Well, I'd say most are acquaintances, but still. I've been on the Internet too long. In which countries do they live? European countries and Australia are the ones I know off the top of my head. What was your dream birthday party as a kid? Hmmm, probably going skating with my friends. What’s the most interesting story you’ve never told anybody? I don't know. What’s the most complicated meal you’ve cooked? Nothing. Have you ever come up with your own game? As kids, my sisters and I did a lot. What is something you value a lot in your life? Having a home, food to eat, a family that loves me... the basics that unfortunately many people don't have. Whose hand did you hold last? Sara's. What was the last thing you planted? Habanero peppers, I think. What or who was the last thing you gossiped about? *shrugs* When's the last time you helped a senior citizen somehow? Probably by holding doors open? What's the most selfless act you have done? Probably compromising my mental health to help others. I dunno. Have you ever intentionally fed a house spider? wtf no get out of mah swamp Are you clumsy? If so, how? I'm a newborn deer ffs. I bump into and trip over shit every day. How many Lidls are there in your town? None. I think. I think the closest is in the next town over. How do you like your favorite beverage? Cold and freshly opened 'cuz carbonation. Are you going to any concerts this summer? Ozzy Osbourne is very likely and I am NOT over it even though that was decided forever ago. Have you ever been to a concert? Once. What do you do when you can’t escape thoughts of your ex? I have PTSD from that relationship, getting away from those thoughts isn't a thing until my brain decides it's over it. Like I mainly just look for a distraction, but honestly, the only thing that seems to be truly effective is time or sleep. Do you watch any TV shows where the setting’s a hospital? I enjoy The Good Doctor, but I've talked about my disinterest in TV plenty. Did your first real significant other change you at all? HI HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE BREAKUP??????????????? Are you waiting to have sex until you’re married? Nah, not anymore. I broke that "promise" anyway through total cheat methods or whatever you want to call them, but I'm ultimately glad I thought I was obeying abstinence through that time considering honestly with how serious we were and how impulsive I was, I genuinely wonder if I would've wound up pregnant. Let's NOT IMAGINE THAT ROUTE. How many schools have you been to? Six. What’s your favorite color to wear? Black. Isn’t it lovely when your S/O smells good? I mean yeah, would anyone answer "no"???? Who’s your favorite actor? Mark is an official actor now don't even fuckin try me about this Who can make you laugh no matter what? *points up* + Sara and Game Grumps. Has a movie ever made you cry? Which one(s)? The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, Titanic, Old Yeller, The Lion King, Coco, Finding Dory, Johnny Got His Gun... man, a lot. I'm a baby when it comes to movies. Do you keep a list of movies you want to watch so you don't forget? No. What was the last song you heard for the first time and enjoyed? It was one of Highly Suspect's new songs. I think it was called "Snow White." What do you prefer -- the original fairy tales, or the Disney versions? Disney. Would you like more film adaptations of traditional fairy tales? Yeah, I enjoy them. Are there any comic books you'd like to see made into a movie? I don't read 'em. Are there any comic book movies you wish had been better? ^ Have you watched the Good Omens series yet? Thoughts? No. Who are some of your favorite female fictional characters, and why? Yrel from World of Warcraft is a fucking badass that needs to come back, I love Heather Mason from Silent Hill 3 with her being a realistic, relatable, and headstrong female protagonist that takes no shit, Bayonetta is my Mommy like have you seen that girl work (she served as some of my first evidence I wasn't straight, actually), I love Cynder from The Legend of Spyro saga with her personality overall and story... there's a lot I love. OH! Ellie from The Last of Us is impossible to not mention. It's beyond debate she's one of the toughest females in video game history, and it was interesting to watch her grow up in a post-apocalyptic world where horrors and tragedy were so normal. Something you didn't like that happened in one of your fave shows/books? GINGA DENSETSU WEED SPOILER: I will forever be livid Jerome died sobs I loved him more than I love myself. THE OUTSIDERS SPOILER: Dally's death devastated me. A character (in anything) you wish hadn't been killed off? Vol'jin's death in WoW was fucking stupid and entirely anticlimactic. Make the guy warchief & then Blizz doesn't know what to do with him and lets trash kill him, such shit writing, look guys I'm fuckin tilted about- What was the last video you saw that made you smile? Oh my god, I watched a clip of Shane Dawson at the Mall of America with Jeffree today, and he was physically in a state of shock, entirely speechless, and in tears. My lips were about to split my face in half smiling and almost crying. He deserves all he's getting right now beyond words. What's something exciting that's happened recently? A Heist With Markiplier was the best thing that ever happened to me ok. What about something upsetting? My grandma going downhill so fast. Cancer cells are now clearly visible in her blood. Do you have any calluses on your feet? So possibly TMI so look away, but I used to walk SO MUCH that my feet, especially my big toes, have the thickest calluses you could probably imagine. They bother me so much that I want to see whatever kind of doctor that can get rid of the damn things. Nothing I've ever done has helped get rid of them. I've CUT areas off in hopes of them going away, but it always heals BACK into a callus???? What was your last big purchase? Teddy's vet visit. Have you ever eaten grits? Grits are disgusting. What is the name of your YouTube channel, if you have one? 0zzkat. Do you wear the same shirt and shorts multiple times before washing? It depends on how long I wore the shirt and if I sweat. You'd never see me in shorts. What color is your favorite lip gloss? I don't use gloss. How many different states have you lived in? Just one. Are you allergic to bees? No. What color is the rim around your bedroom mirror (if applicable)? Black. What is your favorite flavor of saltwater toffee? I don't know if I've ever tried that. Have you ever vacationed on an island? No. What does your favorite bikini look like? Remember how I said you wouldn't see me in shorts? That goes even more for bikinis. What flavor was the last slushee you had? Strawberry limeade.

Survey #188

“don’t you try to hide with those angel eyes.”

Would you rather take a walk in the cold rain, or in the blistering heat? Ha, the rain, any day. What is your favorite card game? Magic: The Gathering. If it were revealed that religion in its entirety did not actually exist, would your outlook on life be any different? No. If you had the chance to slip through a portal, despite being aware of any of effects and/or consequences, would you do it? No. Which parent was more strict when you were growing up? Mom. Worst facial hair, in your opinion: The pedo mustache. You know the one I'm talking about. Have you ever eaten dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets? Yes, I like, demanded we get those instead of regular as a kid lol. McDonalds, do you like it or does it disgust you? I honestly don't see why people hate it?? Do you like the state you live in? No. Did you ever own a Tamagotchi? I believe so. What do you hope you grow out of? The laziness I have with chores oops. What is the healthiest and unhealthiest thing you do on a regular basis? Healthiest, drink at least one bottle of water... even though I know that's nowhere near where I'm supposed to be lmao. Unhealthiest, drink soda. What is the most embarrassing thing you own? Ummmm idk. What is the strangest habit you have? I have to go use the bathroom literally right before I lay down for bed. Doesn't matter if I did ten minutes ago, I /have/ to go again because if I feel even a damn drop in my bladder, I can't sleep. What movie made you cry the most? The Notebook, probably. Titanic really got me, too. What was one of the happiest moments of your childhood? Getting my dog. What’s your favorite vacation memory from when you were a child? Watching the fireworks above the castle at Disney World. What impression do you try to give when you first meet someone? I try to be very polite. Who or what inspires you to be a better person? Mark. What’s the TLDR description of your last relationship? I didn't like him like that. If you found out your current life has been just a dream, would you choose to wake up? (You don’t know if your real life would be better or worse.) No. Well... do I ever wake up? If I was going to at some point, then I would, as I'd just be hurting myself by living in a word I would only leave. What dumb thing did you believe for a really long time? I'm not even remotely kidding, I didn't put together what "PMS" stood for and thought it was about mood swings 'n shit *during* your period until a few months ago. Where would you like to retire? I'm not thinking of that yet. What brings you the most joy in life? Talking/being with Sara. How many windows are on the upstairs part of your house? We don't have an upstairs. Do you own many hats? I have a Carolina Hurricanes one somewhere from going to a game with Dad, maybe two actually, but idr where they are or if I even still have them. When was the last time you were kept off school/work etc because of snow? I haven't been in school in a long time and I'm unemployed. Have you ever taken an underwater picture? No. Ever been on a ride and hated every second? Not seriously. I went on one I was terrified of (one of those circles that goes waaay up and then abruptly drops you) just to step out of my comfort zone, but I didn't hate it. Scared tho. What were an average day’s tasks at your favorite job you’ve had so far? I most certainly don't have a favorite. Does your car have a backup camera? I don't have my own car, but Mom's doesn't. Are you working on any goals? Yeah, not going well. :') Do you enjoy reading? Not particularly... I kinda just stopped enjoying it, but I also associate it with the hospital because that and coloring was all I ever did. The only thing I really *enjoy* reading is our RP because I'm so deeply invested in our characters, but even then, I procrastinate reading long posts. I'm genuinely trying to start reading again, though... I used to adore it. Are you interested in politics? No, though I should care. Did/Do you enjoy high school? Not usually 'cuz I was a depressed shit. Have you ever watched The Golden Girls? YES Ma and I love that shit. Did you ever like the Ninja Turtles? No. Ever been in a meaningless relationship? Tyler, yes. Does anything on your body hurt right now? Not at this very instant. Know anyone on birth control? Most girls I know + myself. Would you go swimming right now if you could? Yeah, that'd be nice. How long was your longest relationship? Over 3 1/2 years. What are you looking forward to in the next 3 months? My birthday. Have you ever gone frog hunting? No. Who’s the last person to seriously hurt you? Mom. Do you like getting dirty? NO. Are you a very flirty person? No. Who was your favorite babysitter? "Uncle" Donny. Do you swear? I think I make that pretty obvious. Are you gullible? Not usually. What is the last dream you remember? (describe) A nightmare with Dad that I don't really remember the details of. What is something that you fear will happen to you in the future? (Also why) I'll develop Alzheimer's. "Why" is obvious. Thankfully, it doesn't run in my family at all. Describe the best day that you can remember? First day at Sara's. Describe your worst day? The night of the breakup. What are some of your favorite songs right now? The SYN remix of Slipknot's "Psychosocial," "Incense and Iron" by Powerwolf, the "Closer" cover by Asking Alexandria, "Sex Metal Barbie" by In This Moment... I really have a lot rn. Do you ever have reoccurring nightmares? Describe? I've had four nightmares with my dad, all with horrible themes. I guess you could call that "reoccurring." Name a fictional place you would like to go? Take. Me. To. Azeroth bitch. Stormheim in specific, or Feralas. What criminal (dead or alive) would you like to sit down and talk to and why? None. If you read books, what are you reading now? I'm very, very slowly reading The Fault in Our Stars. Do you think that forgiveness is mandatory to move on from something? No. I still don't know if I forgive Jason, yet I'm over it. Do you believe in the death penalty? In extreme cases, yup. Some people have no right to life following some crimes. What is something you want to do but are scared of actually doing it? Ride a rollercoaster. Name three things you would buy if you had the money to buy them? A PS4, drawing tablet, another tat. Are you in a relationship right now? If so, do you think it’s a healthy one? Definitely! (Follow up) If it’s unhealthy, what makes it that way? N/A Would you ever date someone long distance? I am now. Name a person that you can’t stand and tell us why? My former best friend for a plethora of reasons. What group do you hate the most on Tumblr and why? SJWs. I'll stay away from "why" because I have extremely strong feelings and don't wanna offend anyone. What is the meanest thing you have ever done to someone, and why? Messaged Jason before leaving for the ER, directly blaming him. I mean the cause was what he did, but like... you don't fucking contact someone telling them "hey I'm off to the ER because I'm suicidal because of you." I don't care what I feel about him now, that was fucked up. Have you ever sent anon hate to someone? Nope. If you could write a book, what would it be about? I actually think it'd be pretty cool to create some sorta novel series involving all the RP stories, like divide the books into each mob's story... If you could make one rule that everyone had to follow, what would it be? Don't exhibit violence. If you could star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be? ONE W/ TIM BURTON. In your opinion what is something horrible everyone should try once? ?????????????????????????????? What is the hardest lesson that you have ever learned? Someone can fall out of love with you. What mistake do you keep making over and over again? Jumping to conclusions. If you could have a video of one event in your life, what would the video be? The moment Sara and I met. What is the most illegal thing you have ever done? Pirated a computer game I desperately wanted to play afsjjwoeuqowe I'm glad I don't have it anymore, that guilt. People in the past were buried with things that were important to them, what would you be buried with? The pebble from Holly Hill. What is something you are against, but find yourself doing anyway? Being sarcastic as hell when I'm mad. What was the last photo that you took? A leaf, I think. What are your favorite lyrics from a song? Probably "a bloody war behind my eyes; I'll come all right on the other side." Have you ever hit someone? Who and why? Nicole when we were little for making me mad over something I don't remember. What do you think they should teach in school that they don’t? Basic adult skills. What’s your favorite language? German. It sounds so powerful to me, especially in metal ajsfoawoejaw. What’s the most vivid dream you’ve ever had? I don't remember. Who’s your favorite celebrity? Korean Jesus. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Rebel's Market rip. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? No, far from on my to-do list. I don't support them in the very least. How many tattoos do you have? Six. If you don't have any, have you ever thought of getting one? N/A When's the last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Like, '16 on a sandwich. Are you a good cook? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Do you know how to pump your own gas? No. What do you think about the most? The future. What do you do most when you are bored? Watch YouTube. Which came first: the chicken or the egg? Chicken. What kind of books do you like to read? Fantasy. How far away from your birthplace do you live now? Like, <10 minutes. Ever been stung by a jelly fish? No. Could you cope with the paparazzi if you were famous? FUCK NO SOMEONE WOULD GET KNOCKED OUT. Do you wear foundation? Veeeeery rarely. Would you ever adopt? If I actually wanted kids, sure. Are you sexually active? No. Last person you sang happy birthday to? Sara. <3 Was the last jacket you wore yours? No. Last thing you won? Uhhhh good question. What level of brightness do you usually keep your phone at? A bit above the middle. Have you ever attended a religious or private school? Well, I went to Sunday school. How many cars does your household own? One. What's your favorite meat? Ummmm pork or chicken. What's the best amusement park you've ever visited? Well, Disney World. How old were you when you got your first car? I still don't have one lol. Do you know anyone who's gotten pregnant over the age of 40? I don't think so? Who does most of the grocery shopping in your home? Mom. Are you listening to music right now? If so, what's the theme of the lyrics? "Adrenalize" by In This Moment. Sex, like it seems most of their songs are about lmao. What movie/game/etc. helps you calm down? Shadow of the Colossus. What does your room smell like? Dog, probably. Do you like to organize? Not particularly. What song is your aesthetic? "She" by Dodie is so Soft and Good. Do you believe in auras? Maybe? Idk. What do you wish you hated, but actually like? Blood On The Dance Floor. I've never really looked into the concrete facts, but I know supposedly they've been sexually involved with those underage. I like a good number of their songs, though. Is there someone you have mixed feelings towards? I'm sure there's someone. Do you prefer space or the ocean? Spaaaaace. What form of government do you like the most? (capitalism, socialism, etc.) Honestly? I don't know actually what they are and I don't care enough to research. What do you think our purpose is in the universe? Hell if I know. Is there a song you can’t handle listening to, even though you like it? "Stairway to Heaven." What ex do you miss the most, if you have one? I most miss who Jason was, not who he became at all. But it doesn't matter, I have someone way more important now. What is your favorite thing to learn about? Meerkats. What country’s history do you find the most interesting? Idk. What breakup was the hardest, if you had one? lol y'all know Do you have someone where you can’t decide if you like them romantically or just as a friend? Not anymore. Do you have any strange interests? RP. What is a topic you are uncomfortable with discussing with most people? Sex. What is something you dislike about the dating world? People don't seem to take love seriously. What gives you confidence? Feeling knowledgeable on the subject. Have you ever dated someone with very different sexual tastes than you? No. Well, not that I know of. I've only been sexual with one. Have you ever said anything you regretted while drunk? No. Has anyone ever been extremely jealous of you? Do you know why? Idk. What was the angriest your parents ever were at you? Dad, idk. Mom, probably when I said "fuck you." That was a night. Or when she tried to kick me out of the car for some argument I can't remember. What was the longest you stayed in your own home for? Weeks, I'm sure. Right now, what is your number one desire? Get a job. Do you feel as though someone ‘won’ in your last break up? No. Whatever happened to the first person you ever loved? I haven't spoke a word to him in almost two years, idk and idc really. Are you currently healthy? In some ways, but no in most. What is something most people are turned on by but you’re not? Extremely muscular men, like wrestlers. Has anyone in your life changed drastically (for better or worse) since you met them? How? Not that I can think of. What song reminds you of good times from high school? "All Signs Point to Lauderdale" by AD2R ironically lmao. Have you ever inherited something? What and from who? No. Who is the last baby that you held? Keegan. Do you know of any twins with rhyming names? No. Last time you saw fireworks? Long time ago. Do you have a black dog? Teddy has some black on him. Do you have a top price where ethics and morality are no longer an issue? No. Well, I guess it depends. What is the greatest physical challenge that you have accomplished? Losing ~60 lbs. Have you ever played naked Twister? No. If tattoos didn't hurt and you could get anything, what would it be? The #1 tat I want is dA's NukeRooster's painting "Denialism" (I got her permission), but I'm going to have to go to an extreme professional, and it's gonna be priiiiiiiceeeeeeey. Have you ever been ghosted before? No. Did you ever get caught watching porn? No, because I've never watched it. Were you ever the bully? No. What's the worst prank someone has ever done to you? Idk.