mister impossible chapter 10 i am kissing you with tongue

Declan Lynch... Declan broke first. Declan Lynch was liar. He'd been a liar his entire life. Lies came to him fluidly, easily, instinctively. There were, Declan thought, so many things to be afraid of. Declan Lynch knew he was boring. He'd worked very hard to be that way, after all. It was a magic trick he didn't expect any prize from but survival, even as he looked at other lives and imagined them his. Declan never gave away a truth unless it was taken from his cold, balled hands. Because the safest shape was being both unknown and unchanging. But he was a liar, even to himself. He didn't have it in him to love another dream. It hurt too much. Loving anything did. It was not Niall Lynch's fault, but Declan wordlessly cursed him anyway, out of habit. And I never actually lived either. Declan said he hated him, but it was aspirational. Goodbye, whatever Declan Lynch would have grown up to be. He had been prepared to be the last man standing his entire life. "Our story was always a tragedy." you were the story I chose for myself Declan had been practicing secrecy his entire life. He had never practiced trust. How badly he wanted to be a son again, a kid again, to let someone else carry this. Carry him. Declan Lynch had become such a liar.

GOODBYE WHATEVER DECLAN LYNCH WOULD HAVE GROWN UP TO BE

he loves his younger brothers so deeply he can't function without them. his entire sense of self is predicated on service to his family. he is everyone's least favorite family member. he hates his brothers. he needs to be needed by them because he's never felt wanted. he has the shape of Matthew's forehead and the texture of his curls memorized. goodbye to whatever Declan Lynch would have grown up to be. his mother isn't real and maybe that's why he doesn't love her like he should. keeps an attic full of paintings that make him feel things tucked out of sight where no one can ever see him do it. he drives a 4 hour round trip every sunday to worship a god he no longer believes in because it's the only time Ronan concedes to spend with him. he dates three girls all with the same name and knocks his mother's wedding ring down the garbage disposal. he is a perpetual motion machine, never alone but always lonely. coffee and antacids and sleeping pills so he won't dream. he misses his father so much it hurts. he curses his father's name with every breath. trained so thoroughly to lie that telling even innocuous truths feels like giving something away. "fuck, do not fall in love with this girl." he's his father's only natural-born child. his father doesn't remember his birth. he was the first to love Ronan and so Ronan lived. off the rack suits and italian leather shoes. he wakes up every day wishing he didn't have to. goes to work, goes to school, takes Matthew to organ practice. his mother isn't his mother but his mother left him behind so maybe that's for the best. he gets beaten bloody by the hitman that killed their father and neither of his brothers pick up the phone when he calls to make sure they're alive. he still drives 4 hours to share a pew with them.