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shirawords · 1 year

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as Easter fast approaches i would like to take this moment to tell all my newer followers about the incredibly sacrilegious Easter Jesus zombie movie idea that my friends and i came up with freshman year of college

the basic premise is that Jesus rises from the dead every year at Easter and, as a reanimated dead guy (don’t start with me about the nature of the trinity ok), brings with him the zombie apocalypse

but since it’s Jesus who’s the zombie the movie protagonists can’t kill him normal ways and instead they have to sin as hard as possible so that enough sin will accumulate that Jesus will once again die for humanity’s sins and the zombie apocalypse will end

so the movie follows a group of weary Terry Pratchett-style atheists (they know Jesus exists, but they don’t *believe* in him as it’ll just encourage him) as they do as many Seven Deadly Sins as quickly and intensely as possible to put Jesus and his army of zombie Evangelicals (infected by taking Communion, the literal blood/body of zombie Christ) back down before they destroy society altogether

there are gory Wrath scenes and needlessly objectifying Lust scenes and they hire the chocolate guy to do gorgeously crafted Gluttony scenes and get some real good naps in for Sloth scenes etc etc

at the end, our heroes have managed to sin enough that Jesus dies again and his horde of Evangelical zombies become human again

that is, until next Easter, when Jesus will rise again.....

#credit to Teague and Matt for the Easter Jesus zombie movie idea #i capitalized the Christian words in this one because when im being incredibly sacrilegious its only proper to show that modicum of respect #think of this as a shitty c-list movie that gets played at 1am on like the syfy channel or whatever #it could include some sort of ritual Good Friday ceremony where the protagonists all get together to channel the power of the day Jesus died #its a really fun idea for a campy cheap effects gratuitous sex and violence slasher-type film ok #sorry Christians #i wish you all a meaningful and happy Easter #go have a good time attending church and collecting magic eggs laid by a rabbit #zombie Jesus #I spam

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