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sumergosuigeneris · 5 years

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January 2, 2019, Part II

I had a therapy session today. It was weird. To start with, I didn’t know I had a session. He called looking for me, and I told him I thought he said it was closed today, plus I didn’t get a reminder. He met with me after his last appt.

It was a weird session.

First, he wants to record the session. I felt so threatened. I was going to go ahead with it, but it made me so upset I said no. I explained he’s the only person I feel safe with. God, it’s making me upset even now.

I was telling him the pertinent stuff from the last 2 weeks, and he interrupted me to talk about how we have to manage time. But he look like 4 or 5 minutes to do the talking. He tried to give me a time limit. I got a bit angry, and then had to say that a)it’s my time, b)I’ve been conscientious of how to use it since the beginning (based on the IOP fiasco), c) I mostly only talk to tell him things I think are pertinent to my treatment, just in case he wants to give me a specfic skill, which he never does, and d)we’re on the same page, so we don’t need to have this conversation again.

Some other stuff. I explained that I was concerned about my progress, or my effort. I didn’t want to say anything about him since I’d already fucked up the appt. He then asked me about my previous therapy experiences, and sort of in relation to him. Like, he had a vague recollection I’ve done it before. I didn’t want to be mean, and in all this time I hadn’t bee able to exactly describe even to myself the problem. I talked about his approach being esoteric/theory, and others being more practical. As I left, I realized the concept I was trying to explain to myself is ‘personalization.’ He’s got a protocol and everyone must fit into it. Everyone else, it felt like they personalized the skills we worked on based on my situation.

We went over that fucking mindfulness shit. I told him I hadn’t done it all over the last 2 weeks. I had to tell him why I didn’t like the link he gave me. He then spent a lot of time explaining his thoughts and basically pussyfooting around telling me to do it. As in, we’re not going to move forward until I listen to his fucking mindfulness crap link for 7 days in a row. I am fucking stuck with his shitty rendering of mindfulness. And he acted at some point like me not doing my homework is common. I had to point out to him that this was the only assignment I hadn’t completed, and frankly it was because I didn’t know I had to do it for a whole week before we could move on.

A couple of times he tried to recap what he thought I was saying or what my MO on something was. He was always wrong. I don’t know if it’s everyone, or just me, that he has trouble ‘getting.’ I’ve been aggravated about it to a certain extent, and tonight was no different.He spends so much fucking time on that sort of shit, without just allowing/encouraging me to tell a whole story, or explain what he doesn’t get. But then I started wondering how many other therapists didn’t really ‘get’ what I was trying to get across, and just faked it? Certainly, my IT at the IOP, after the fact, appeared to me to not get me at all. With that in mind, it occurred to me that my viewpoint was wrong. I should be appreciative that he’s trying.

After I left his room, I thought I should work on being able to trust the recording situation person, so I went back and asked what the what. He said only his supervisor will hear it, only once, and the recording will be deleted after a week. I don’t know.

I just still can’t figure him out. Tonight, my theory du jour is that he’s just veeeerrrry much a student therapist, compared to most of my past therapists, even if he has done a couple years in the field with his LCPC or whatever counseling title he had before he started his psy.d. But then again, the chick I had when my IT was on vacation had just gotten her psyd and she really worked for me. At this point, I’d go back to her in a heartbeat. So maybe he sucks. Maybe he’s just not the one for me.

And I guess I misrepresent myself as not using any skills or techniques or trying to do things on my own outside of therapy, so I had to make a point of saying so today. Like, you want to hurry the talking but then don’t understand why you don’t know the whole story? Oy.

But either way, I think this new fad that therapy works without, or even better because it’s without, knowing an individual’s story is extremely flawed. And that’s being nice.

I don’t know. Maybe I should get another therapist maybe not. We’ll see if and when I get a new fucking job.

I’m reading the second book in the series. Yay the library has the sequel. But technically, I checked to make sure they had it before buying the first one. So I wouldn’t have to buy them all, I could justify buying one. I’m really not a fan of reading electronic books, but it is a cheaper way to do things.

And on my mobdro, guess what reappeared? The linke to bbc america. Which I couldn’t find when I want to watch something specific a few days ago. I’m like 3 1/2 seasons behind on Dr. Who. So annoying.

I should get shit done. But I think I’ll go to bed. After reading a few more chapters.

#me

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