Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

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Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

Love Line

Chapter 2

"Let me see that!" Nayeon tries to grab my paper from my hand. "No! Why should I?" "Well if I'm going to sing it I wanna know what the lyrics are!" "What!? No! Not till I finish the song! I've only written a few lines!" I run away and attempt to hide in my room. "Fineeeeee, but you better eat the pizza I bought." "Whatever!" I pop my head out the door and stick my tongue out and sneak back to the lyrics I wrote down. I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. I want to see Mina again. I close my eyes and reminisce about what happened today. Am I really falling in love? No way, I just met this girl. But...but there's something about her. I open my eyes and I'm blinded by light. "Ahhhh! What the...what time is it!?" "Relaaaaax it's only like 7 am, you shouldn't have another class for 2 hours or something."

I see Nayeon sitting in my chair. "What are you doing at my desk?" "Well I came inside to yell at you for falling asleep before eating dinner, which I've never seen you do before, and then I saw this so I decided to read it." "Saw wha-HEY! I told you it's not ready!" Nayeon starts laughing as she runs away with my lyrics in her hand. "What are you so ashamed of!? These are cute lyrics! And not just that, they're good!" I stop in my tracks and catch my breath. "Re-really?" "Yeah! My Jeongyeon is in loooove. With who!? You wanna tell me?" "What!? I'm not in love! Even if I was I wouldn't tell you!" "But we're best friends! You can tell me anything! Ah! Unless...Jeongyeon are you in love with me?" I look at her in complete disgust. "Please, I didn't eat dinner, I don't want to throw up." "It's ok Jeongyeon you can admit, come here cutie." She runs towards me and tries to kiss my cheek. "Nayeon! Stoooop, god I hate when you do this! Ahhh!" "Booo! Whatever then, here's your lyrics back. You seem to be on a good track, keep it up!" I swiftly grab my paper and run before she tries some sneak attack. I sit at my desk and stuff the paper in a drawer. I look at my phone to check the time. 7:30. Ugh, I want to sleep some more, but I need to get ready for class. I hear a loud roar from my stomach. Oh that's right...I should probably eat too. I take a quick shower and get dressed. I eat some of the leftover pizza nayeon left me, after throwing away the pineapple of course. I grab my penny board and head to class. When I finally get there I see Mr Peterson inside. "Sup Jerry!" "It's Professor Peterson to you Jeongyeon." He glares, "You're on time to class for once, what's going on?" "I got some decent sleep, I guess." "Well let's hope it was decent enough that you'll stay awake today." "Yeah hopefully." I laugh. I take out my notebook and pencil and get ready. Rrrrriiiiiiinng "And that ends today's lecture." Damn it, not again. I grab notebook and look at what was supposed to be notes, instead it looks like I was drawing how to unravel a ball of yarn. I try to sneak away before Mr Peterson tries to call me again. "Jeongyeon!" I smile as I slowly turn around, hoping he won't yell at me again. "Have you been working on your song for the talent contest?" "I have actually!" "May I see what you have so far?" He says with intrigue in his eyes. "Oh I left it in my dorm room, but I've been working on it really!" "I see, you've at least signed up for the contest correct?" "I have to sign up?" He looks at me in shock. "Jeongyeon did you even read the flyer I handed you the other day?" I take out the crumpled piece of paper and read what's on it. "Let's see...sign up for talent show...blah blah...sign up by the 7th at 12pm at the performing arts building. Ok what about it?" "Jeongyeon, today is the 7th, and it's 11:30." "WHAT!?" I run straight for the door and ride my penny board to the performing arts building. It felt like I was going 100 miles an hour. "Move! Get out the way!" I yell out I check my phone again and its 11:45. Ugh! Why did my stupid class have to be on the complete opposite side of campus!? Soon, I can see the performing arts building coming up and I check my phone again and its 11:50. I run up the stairs and I see a girl walking out of the entrance. "Hey you! Where do I go to sign up for talent show!?" "Third floor, now let go of me!" She yells.

I didn't mean to grab her but I was in a hurry. "Sorry! Thanks!"

I run up the third floor and see people cleaning up the sign up booth. "Oh no! Please tell me ...I'm not...too late... to sign up!" I yell in bits and pieces trying to catch my breath. "Yeah, you still can! We were just getting ready to leave a little early, here's the sign up sheet." This girl passes me this clipboard and sit down in relief as I fill out all the information. I hand her back the clipboard as I stand up. "Thank you so much, I thought I was doomed." "No problem! My name is Jihyo Park, I'm in charge of organizing the event this year, if you have any questions feel free to ask me." "Yes of course, thank you again so much." She smiles and as she turns around I can hear light footsteps coming in this direction. "Wait! Please tell me I'm not too late!" Jihyo turns around and laughs. "Mina! I would've thought you signed up already!" Mina? They know each other? Mina runs right past me and stops right in front of Jihyo. I can smell her perfume as it lingers in the space she passed. Smells like lavender, which I love, and honestly I can't get enough of it. "I know, but I kept putting it off since I'm here everyday and I didn't realize I hadn't signed up until just now." "Well don't worry about it you can still sign up. Besides you're not the only one." Jihyo looks at me and smiles. Suddenly Mina turns around and looks at me too. Then, I realize I'm still dripping in sweat from the ride here, and I hide behind my penny board and try to walk away. "Jeongyeon?" Hearing Mina say my name stops me in my tracks. "Jeongyeon it's you right? The girl from the other day? You're signing up too? Oh wow!" She says with her gummy smile. "Yeah, yeah I am haha." I say awkwardly. I don't wanna be here, I feel so gross. This is so embarrassing. "What are you going to perform?" Mina asks as she writes down her info on the clipboard. "I...I'm not really performing, I'm writing a song and my friend is gonna sing it. It's just some dumb thing..." "Oh I like it! That sounds awesome! What's the song about?" I can feel my face heat up. I can't possibly say it's about her. "Umm it's about this girl who fell in love and is trying to express it...I guess." God she makes me so nervous. Oh how cute! "What about you? Is this what you were rehearsing your dance for the other day?" "Yeah it is! Wait, how did you know I was doing a dance?" Oh no, I obviously can't tell her it's because I was watching her dance without her knowing. "Well uhh you said you were rehearsing the other day when I saw you, and you were in a dancing outfit and so I kind of just assumed." Please buy it, please buy it. "Oh duh! Haha of course." She says with that again adorable gummy smile. "Oh! Jeongyeon you're sweating a bit." Oh no, after coming all the way here and seeing Mina I realize I had still been sweating this whole time. I feel so disgusting. How is this even possible? "Oh boy, I'm sorry, I should g-" Mina starts wiping my forehead with a hankerchief.

"What were you doing before you got here?" "I...boarded all the way from the music building to here so...I guess I'm pretty tired...hey Mina! I'll just do that myself, you don't have to do this haha." I grab the hankerchief and wipe my sweat on my own, Mina suddenly coming in close certainly didn't help. "Oh sorry, my friend sweats a lot while she plays piano and I do that for her when she's getting in the zone, force of habit I guess." "Oh I see, don't worry, you just caught me by surprise that's all." "Mina, I'm still here. And I'm gonna need the clipboard." "Oh Jihyo! I'm so sorry! Here you go!" "It's fine, is she your girlfriend or something? Jihyo laughs, you two are awfully close." "Me and Jeongyeon! Oh no, we're just friends we've only just met!" "Yeah! Yeah...just friends...we met like yesterday." I say hesitantly. "Yeah ok, good luck to you both on the talent show, make sure you stay friends if one of you wins and not the other." "Jihyo! Don't be like that!" Mina scolds. Jihyo laughs and walks away. "I'm sorry, she's such a tease." "Oh no it's fine really, that was nothing compared to someone I know." I shiver as I remember this morning. "Oh Mina, here's your hankerchief." As I hand it to her I realize this thing is drenched and instantly I take it back.

"I'm so sorry, let me wash this before I give it back." "Oh umm sure, but how will you get it back to me?" "Do you have a number? Once I wash it I'll send you a text." "Oh ok! Sounds good to me. Here you go." As I'm putting her number in my phone I realize what I'm doing and I try to calm myself down. "Ok thanks again, I'll let you know when I've washed it." "Of course! It's a nice hankerchief so don't keep for yourself now Jeongyeon!" She laughs. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted. I wave bye to Mina and board back to my dorm. Finally, I can relax, and I lay on my bed. As I think about what happened just now, I decide to get up, sit at my desk, open the drawer, and grab a pencil. To be continued...

Your scent, your gestures Even the way you call my name You’re like, oh like it Now please know my heart, my boy oh neoui hyanggi neoui sonjit nal bureuneun ne maltu hanakkaji neoneun machi Oh Like it ije nae mam arajwo My boy Oh 너의 향기 너의 손짓 날 부르는 니 말투 하나까지 너는 마치 Oh like it 이제 내 맘 알아줘 My boy oh