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tavyliasin · 30 days

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Fooling An Incubus - April Foolishness One Shot! Haarlep x Multiple

Haarlep is bored... They manage to organise another little event, a buffet of desire to feast upon all night as various couples and groups enjoy their aphrodisiac tainted wine and specially prepared rooms. However, the wine was a gift from one Volothamp Geddarm. The wizard seems to have something other than tall tales up his sleeves, as Haarlep finds themselves experiencing pleasure through a different lens. It still feels good, of course, but there's something different to normal...

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This is the April Fools "write terrible smut" challenge to use as many awful words for genitals and sex as possible. I gave it a paper thin plot as an excuse to throw Haarlep into the ring with a bunch of favourites.

5,157 Words (Split into 5 Chapter headings)

Click Here for AO3 Version And Click Here for the AO3 Collection with everyone's wonderful terrible works for the challenge! Pairing: Haarlep with: Astarion/f!Tav/Halsin, Dammon/Karlach/Wyll, Abdirak/He Who Was, and a passing mention of Volo/Blurg/Omeluum at the end SPICE Rating: 3.5/5 Content Warnings and Tags: Intentionally Bad Smut, Biting, Blood, Vampire Bite, aphrodisiac, Oral Sex, Group Sex, Restraints, Power Play, BDSM, Hand Jobs, Spitroast, Pegging, Sex Toys, magic sex toys, Cockwarming, using tails for sex things, furniture play (mild), Exhibitionism, Voyeurism, pain play, riding crop whipping, Anal Sex, overstimulation

Spoilers Barely a thing besides characters and the House of Hope existing. Canon Compliance HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. Other Notes I gave myself psychic damage writing it and now you can join me as you read it.

Song Pairing Ok maybe this time I'm being less interesting, but I tried looking for something with fitting lyrics and came up short. So instead, listen to the elevator music that I put on while writing it, that should fit the mood just fine~

FULL ONE SHOT BELOW THE CUT!

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Chapter 1 - Boredom and Wine

Haarlep was bored.

A known dangerous state for an incubus to be in, they were not only bored but they were hungry . Few guests had entertained them of late, so their mind turned over their options. No events they were aware of were due in the near future, and after their last little party Raphael had said in no uncertain terms that he would not be entertaining another orgy. They rolled their eyes. Surely there was something…

—

A week later, the rooms in the House of Hope had been prepared and a banquet thrown. A Spring Feast, Haarlep had argued, a way to bring together those who should be reminded of Raphael’s influence and affluence. They even invited Volothamp Geddarm to ensure that the fiend’s grandeur could be properly recorded in his rise to greatness - or that’s what they told him to soothe his ego and push him to allow the event to go ahead.

The incubus stalked the banquet hall, observing with no small amount of pride the couples, throuples, and other groups of guests that were slowly falling to the spiked wine. They sipped from their own glass, allowing themselves a slight smile of satisfaction as Volo himself strolled over.

“Ah, there you are! Are you enjoying the wine? I had it imported over myself, you know, from a very special supplier. I assume you’ve already tainted it? The flavour has a distinct edge of spice that I don’t recall from my last sampling.” The bearded wizard was already talking a mile a minute asking plenty of questions without awaiting a single answer.

“You are already aware, then, of its effects? My usual guests should be retiring shortly~” Haarlep grinned a little wider, glancing down at the strange little man who had far too bright a look in his eye as he took a sip himself.

“That’s exactly what I’m counting on, my friend! A fine experiment, I should say, though it was not entirely of my own devising. You see there is a custom in a far off land for pranks at this time of year - nothing harmful of course, and I wouldn’t dare to interfere with your own particular feedings. I’m actually rather looking forward to a little dalliance with my fellow inquisitive minds.” He waved across the room at a hobgoblin standing next to an illithid, the sight itself making Haarlep relieved that Raphael had chosen to sequester himself away from the festivities for a change to focus on his contracts. “Now, do tell me everything tomorrow, I shall be very interested to hear of your experience.”

Before Haarlep could so much as enquire what in all the hells the odd little man was on about, he was already walking away. With several of the couples already making their way to their rooms, the incubus chose to finish their glass and begin to visit the rooms they had arranged earlier.

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Chapter 2 - The Pleasures of Elves

The first door opened to a sight that Haarlep drank in like a well aged spirit.

A familiar looking elven rogue was on the bed, her vampire lover on one side and their druid on the other. All three looked as hungry as the incubus felt, licking their lips as they padded softly across the cool floor to the bed where the trio were waiting.

“That didn’t take long, you owe me 5 gold.” Tav smirked, her body an open invitation which had been addressed to everyone in the room, and Haarlep was ready to lick the edge of her envelope to seal the-

They shook their head for a moment. That wasn’t right, was it? They looked back at her, admiring how her heaving bosom danced arousal with every breath.

“Come on, Haarlep, there’s room for everyone.” She beckoned them over, as her lovers began to ply her with kisses.

The incubus blinked away their confusion, savouring the rising lust in the room. Halsin was already guiding her hand towards his growing meatstick, while Astarion favoured pressing his mouth-hole against Tav’s neck, sharp points chomping down into her soft flesh. Tav moaned as his fangs penetrated her pale skin, legs spreading to reveal her moist garden of delight.

They felt their own ridged phallus beginning to try the strength of the leather harness that held them in place, though they were not concerned about seeking their own pleasure yet. They climbed onto the end of the bed, lifting her legs over their shoulders, savouring the little gasp as their spiked clothing pricked the underside of her thighs. Haarlep coiled their arms around her hips, fingers reaching around to dip into the well of her desire before using the ample lubrication to circle her hardened nubbin of pleasure.

Tav’s sounds grew ever more lewd as Haarlep began to taste the nectar of her private rose, with a tongue that could put a hummingbird to shame. They glanced up, seeing her head thrust back into the pillows, her own dirty pillows quivering with excitement as Astarion’s bite had moved down to her chest. The larger of the two elves was enjoying the ministrations of Tav’s clever fingers dancing waltz along the length of his organ, the chord sounding from his throat still far from its crescendo.

“My heart,” Halsin began to find his voice, “I need…more…”

“My, my, darling, greedy today are we?” The vampire looked up, a thin trickle of body ketchup trickling over his bottom lip making his teasing question outright hypocritical. “Whatever shall we do?”

“Astarion,” Tav moaned, cheeks hot and flush with arousal, “I have an idea…” Haarlep didn’t hear what it was that Tav whispered, but they saw the pale elf’s ears tint red. A moment later, he was kneeling on the pillows, straddling Tav’s head but facing towards where they were still drinking in her sweet love-juice before it could spill down her thighs. They slowed their motions, holding her back from finishing while her lovers rearranged.

They were almost disappointed that Tav’s soft little moans were being muffled by Astarion’s firm peach, her tongue clearly occupied with finding the pip at the centre of his forbidden fruit. Meanwhile, Halsin was eager to follow the vampire’s lead as he guided his lover’s head to devour his pink banana with a ravenous appetite.

Seeing all three giving way to such intense desires only served to whet Haarlep’s own already drenched hunger. They curled their tail around to tease a line up from Halsin’s knee, teasing the soft and tender flesh of his juicy ham hock, feeling a thin trickle of oil slick betraying his readiness for what they were planning.

The incubus was delighted to feel that the huge elf’s nether pit was ready to receive a fiend. They teased at his heated taint for a moment, relishing how he moaned his desperate need around the length of Astarion’s schlong bulging in his throat. The delicious noise only grew louder when they slid their tail several agonisingly slow inches into his tight and welcoming cave… They took a moment to imagine how good it would feel to slide their turgid meat-popsicle deep inside the druid instead, but that would have to wait for another day.

Haarlep refocused their efforts on Tav now, shifting slightly to change how they were teasing her planes of pleasure. Their fingers reached to curl inside her, tongue tracing out limericks on her sensual protuberance, sharp teeth just grazing her skin as she keened a wail deep into Astarion’s pleasure pocket.

She was, of course, the first to break. The incubus was well versed in how to reduce Tav to a quivering mess of flesh, her liquor of desire coating their lips and tongue as they sucked every last moment of her climax into full and shaking overstimulation. Her lovers were not far behind, Astarion spilling his essence into Halsin’s waiting throat, the larger elf happily devouring it all as his own orgasm began. For a moment, Haarlep was concerned their tail might be bruised by the clenching of the druid’s muscular sphincter, a volcano of spicy mayonnaise spurting forth from his thick tally-whacker as Tav continued to pump it in a tight grip. Satisfied that the three would be more than able to continue without them, Haarlep licked the last of Tav’s personal syrup from their fingers. Above them, Astarion was doing the same for Tav’s hand which was dripping with Halsin’s honey-milk. Everyone had eaten well, and their shared pleasure had easily risen the incubus’s greed to sample something from as many rooms as they could before the dawn brought an end to the festivities. Although, as they stepped back out into the hallway, they couldn’t help but wonder what exactly it was that Volo had put into the drinks. Or, perhaps more concerningly, how they were becoming accustomed to the pervasive strange mood permeating their sexual exploits.

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Chapter 3 - A Tiefling Roasting in Hellfire

The second room was hot. Hotter than usual, which Haarlep soon realised was due to the presence of a certain one-horned Teifling who was eyeing them suspiciously. Wyll’s eyes almost mirrored Karlach’s asymmetrical horns as he leaned back on the chair with his arms folded behind his head, watching as the incubus closed the door.

“You look…comfortable~” Haarlep greeted the pair, before indicating the third in the room with them. “Though he looks distinctly less so.”

They were referring to the other Tiefling, peach hued skin completely devoid of clothing as he was on his hands and knees, blonde strands falling from the messy bun tied high at the back of his head. He didn’t turn to look at the new entry to the room, nor did he make a sound as his head was completely flush with Wyll’s lap. “Not to worry,” Wyll smiled, “Dammon’s fine where he is for now.” The blacksmith’s tail twitched slightly at the mention of his name. “Shh you stay where you are, good boy.” Karlach shifted in her own seat, bringing her legs up to use her lover’s back as a stool as she addressed Haarlep now. “Listen, demon-”

“Incubus.” They corrected her, a little annoyance in their voice only quieted by the wave of arousal that beckoned to them, drawing their eye to the dripping manhood beneath Karlach’s footrest.

“Whatever. I don’t usually associate with your sort, but given we are here on your invitation, and I’m able to breathe pretty freely here, you can stay.” Her brow furrowed, the glow in her chest looking all the more like a flashing warning. “But there are ground rules.”

“And what would those entail?” Haarlep began walking towards the trio, inspecting the slightly trembling limbs of the man on the floor with interest.

“First, no touching me. Look all you like, but I don’t want your hellish rod anywhere near my womanhood, and if even one drop of your infernal splooge gets near my minge I will personally incinerate you.” Her tone left no room for argument, and beside her the warlock was nodding.

“Him you can touch, me perhaps. But it might be best if you sit back and watch.” He paused for a moment in thought. “You don’t need to be a direct participant in fornication to feed from it, right?”

“I do not.” Haarlep nodded. “Although most find it far more enjoyable when I am an active player in our little games~” Wyll idly stroked the his lovers horns, pushing him down a little further onto his semi. “Good boy, a little more tongue now.” A slight mewl sounded from the blacksmith, muffled but carrying the taste of his lust in the noise. Haarlep licked their lips, savouring it. “Be that as it may, we have enough pieces on the board without your assistance, no matter how capable that might be. Do you agree to our terms?”

They took a moment longer, considering the offer, and the other offers that awaited them in the other rooms. “Very well, entertain me.” The incubus pulled up their own chair, choosing a position with the perfect view of the trio.

Karlach removed her feet from the blacksmith’s back and leaned over to lay a sloppy smooch on Wyll’s waiting lips, guiding his fingers to find the pearl of her dripping clam. “I’ve been waiting all day for this, soldier, please -”

He wasted no time in drawing her to breathlessness, the man below still warming his swiftly stiffening pipe and shifting to accommodate the growing swelling in his mouth. Wyll made short work of whipping his lover into a frenzy, expertly twiddling his thumbs around the nether-nipple between her folds. He added to her sensation with his fingers hammering into the meat of her snatch, savouring the howl that fell from her lips as she creamed over his hand. Haarlep licked their lips involuntarily as they watched Wyll devour the splooge from each finger in the manner one might enjoy the last hint of icing from a slice of cake. They continued to watch, enraptured, as the Tiefling woman recovered her senses and began searching through her pack that had been left carelessly on the floor nearby. Their eyes widened as she pulled out several metal dongs, increasing in size until she was finally satisfied with the one she held.

The final one she chose was almost impressively large - even by their own standards. She held it out towards the warlock first as she sat back in her chair, legs spread and feet resting on Dammon’s back again. Her weeping quim was clearly desperate to be filled, and Wyll obliged by casting mage hand to grip and manipulate the huge steel tickle-stick. “Gods, more!” She cried, gripping at her own heaving bosom as the mage hand increased its thrusting with a motion from Wyll’s hand. “We have to get it…good…good and warm…for him…” She panted heavily like a dog with its head sticking out of the window of a fast moving carriage, her hips bumping around like the carriage was going down 3 flights of stairs with the thrusting of the toy.

The tiefling on the floor remained as still as he could, his tail betraying his excitement as it quivered behind him. Karlach managed just enough presence of mind to coil her own tail beneath him, taking a grip of his turgid knob to give it a good yanking.

She jizzed with the force of a typhoon, barely releasing the blacksmith’s favourite hammer in time before she risked ripping it clean off his body with the force of her explosion. Her breasts danced erotically, nipples spinning with delight in the waves of pure bliss that took over her mind and body.

Haarlep raised an eyebrow as they watched, not entirely certain what tricks reality was trying to play with physics, but it didn’t seem to matter to the three. Wyll was holding Dammon’s head gently, soothing the blacksmith while he still did not empty his mouth of the warlock’s mighty staff. Karlach took a few minutes to recover, finally fishing the leather harness from her pack and fixing the huge unit to it with ease, though it seemed a little difficult even for the barbarian to move around with it swinging about in front of her drenched muff.

She made sure to spread more of her slick moistness over the ridged metal before taking hold of the blacksmith’s tail and lifting it up. She pulled out a plug that was about half the size of the massive wanger she was wearing and tossed it casually to one side. It didn’t take much longer for her to knock on his backdoor, taking his muffled approval as invitation to thrust all the way in with one strong motion that made him almost choke on Wyll’s skin flute.

The barbarian soon set a pace that could be described as barbaric, her breasts dancing to the rhythm with enthusiasm. Her tail curled around again, taking a grip on the blacksmith’s wing-wang and guiding his tail underneath herself to stuff it into her flesh pocket. Meanwhile, Wyll had his hands wrapped around Dammon’s horns, imitating a pole rub as he continued to have his soul sucked out of his ween.

Haarlep felt a little pang of jealousy, but the lust in the air tasted better even than the lingering hint of Tav’s body on their lips. The licked them, straying one hand over their harness as they watched the trio spill out across the floor - or in Wyll’s case down his lover’s throat as he held the man close in place, hips bucking into him as he spooged enthusiastically.

The incubus stood to leave while the trio were still regaining their breath. “Done so soon? I thought you devils had more stamina.” Karlach called out, still thrusting slowly as her overstimulated lover whimpered into Wyll’s groin, twitching and dripping onto the floor below. She slapped his toasted buns and drew a longer, muffled moan. “You could keep count if you like, see if we break our record with him.”

“A tempting proposition,” they replied already turning to head to the door, “however I have plenty of other guests to attend to. Ones who are not averse to my participation.”

“Suit yourself,” Karlach shrugged, looking back towards Wyll. “Ready, soldier?”

“Gods, Karlach, give me a minute…” He stroked the loose hair of the man betwixt his thighs. “Good boy, keep me warm a bit longer…mmmyes right there, your tongue-"

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Chapter 4 - A Dictionary of Discomfort

Haarlep strolled down the halls, passing through a few rooms as they went. They spent some time with Shadowheart and Lae’zel, helping them to settle an argument about who was taking which role by taking their Archduchess form and allowing the two to compete. It was a spirited debate, and it was nice to finally have their own personal Cania flooding at last.

The gith and the half elf were not done when they left though, the ‘argument’ turning into a full battle of stamina. The incubus made sure to leave them with plenty of water in reach, neither seemed willing to back down until the other passed out from the exertion.

The next though… They paused in front of the next door, hearing the sounds of a far more intense session. They could almost taste the desire emanating from behind the solid wood, the door creaking open to reveal the sounds of the penitent and the priest beyond.

—

The scene was even more enticing than Haarlep imagined. He Who Was balanced on his toes, ankles chained to a sturdy pole with the hint of the toy at the top of it between his pale rear cleavage. At least a third of its length was filling his tight hole, a little oil trickling down his thighs. Abdirak was stalking around the nude Shadar-Kai, still fully clothed and wielding a thin crop that was leaving reddened welts across pale skin.

“You are here to witness his penance? Or to join it?” Abdirak turned towards Haarlep, a wicked light reflecting off the cold steel of his face orbs. He had a way of looking right through Haarlep that sometimes put even their iron nerves on edge. They closed the door behind them, the click of the latch adding to the metallic mood of the room.

“That depends~” The incubus stalked forwards, tail swishing behind them, wings rising and stretching in anticipation. “Do you wish to remain in this role? Or to endure your own pain for your Maiden’s blessings?”

“I will not object.” He Who Was gasped, still trying to stay upright on his toes as Abdirak walked around to his front, tilting his chin up with one finger to observe his reaction.

“You are certain, Dear One, that you can endure the agony delivered by another’s hand?” The priest checked, still watching closely even as Haarlep stalked around behind him to peer at the bound elf balancing on his toes. The incubus leaned over the spiked pauldrons of his shoulder, sliding their arms around his waist and savouring the jealousy in the green tinted eyes of He Who Was.

“You need not concern yourself with what I can endure.” The Shadar-Kai responded firmly, the inky void of their gaze meeting the fire in Haarlep’s own eyes with a dauntless intensity, despite his current predicament.

“Then so be it.” Abdirak leaned back towards the incubus. “I trust you will not disappoint. He has been… prepared , as have I.”

Haarlep caught the meaning of his words - there would be no need to butter up the back alley of either man, nor would they need to be concerned about an abundance of pain. That was what they both wanted most, after all.

It was the work of a few moments to pull the strands of the Weave in a spell that summoned a handful of red imps from another part of Avernus. The creatures sprang into the air with a brief and acrid scent of smoke and sulphur, and issuing orders in the infernal tongue was just as swift. Haarlep stepped back from Abdirak, though their hands drifted across his bare torso first, lingering and dragging a hint of claws as they moved away. Before parting completely, they slipped the crop from his hand, tapping it against his side to make a point.

“You won’t be needing any of this either~” They commanded the imps to remove the priest’s clothes, stacking though they saw no point in reminding the creatures to be careful with the sharp edges. Abdirak appeared pleased that the blades and points of his outfit tore at his flesh. Next, the imps wrapped their tails around his body. Some on the legs, some on the arms, a couple around his tender belly meat, fully supporting him as he was lifted into the air and suspended in a manner similar to the intricate rope patterns he often enjoyed. Haarlep stood facing the pair as they were held apart, eyes locked on one another. First they gave He Who Was a little whippy whip with their tail, striking his legs and watching with delight as the elf struggled on his toes, the end of the pole sinking deeper to probe his desperate prostate. Abdirak was granted a firmer slap to his nip nop with the whip crop, a deep grunt of appreciation reaching Haarlep’s approving ears. Both men were clearly craving the sweet agony of well applied domination, which the incubus was more than happy to provide. They continued a while in the same manner, alternating which got the crop and which took the hit from their tail instead. They were like a cat toying with its prey, adding their claws and teeth to the mix when the impact became dull.

They needed more though, more than just the panting and keening of two masochists who were about ready to nut if someone bit them in the gonads. Although…there was an idea. The imps followed instructions well, lifting Abdirak and turning him face down, bringing his face close to the elf’s twitching stiffy. Haarlep moved behind the priest, pressing his legs apart and digging their claws into the soft meat of his rump.

Their height worked to their advantage, finally dismissing their harness to let their gurt wanger flop out - although if there was one thing to be said about their sex right now it was certainly not floppy . They pushed into him, feeling how tight his ring felt despite the ample preparation, commanding him with a simple motion to begin to give He Who Was a little sucky-sucky.

The incubus stretched their wings behind them, pleased that the only sounds they could hear were the wet slaps of their bollocks smacking against Abdirak’s ass, and the keening wails of both men enjoying and enduring their session. They made sure to provide the priest with as much pain as Loviatar demanded, sinking claws and teeth into his back and arms, commanding the imps to tighten their grips and pull at his joints so he moaned with a mouth full of elf-boner. They wrapped their tail around his hot manhood and teased at his leaking hole with the tip, threatening to plug it before it could spill, yet not following through on that threat either.

He Who Was appeared to be struggling to control his voice, calling out long and loud, torn between succumbing to the pleasures of Abdirak’s skilled mouth and trying to prevent the pole he was balanced on from driving too deep and filling him completely. Eyes flashed from inky black to bright glowing green and back again, names Haarlep didn’t care for leaving with his composure presumably through an open window somewhere. Did the room have windows? Did it matter? Eventually Haarlep felt the building peaks of both men, licking the flavour from the air and savouring it before they blew their respective loads. Abdirak dutifully took every drop of his lover’s protein shake, swallowing with a satisfied moan as Haarlep filled him from the other end, the pulsing inside finally shattering him into squirting his jizz across the floor.

Once all three had regained their composure - hardly a tough task for the incubus, though they did enjoy teasing both past their limits before they were done - Haarlep commanded the imps to set Abdirak on the floor once more, even motioning for a couple to support He Who Was. The Shadar-Kai was drunk on pleasure, the shaped end at the tip of the pole now fully seated within him.

“You were both…delicious…” They mused, taking a moment to caress the cheeks of both men in an almost loving gesture. Almost. “I trust you can take care of yourselves from here?”

“Until next time.” Abdirak nodded, before releasing the ankle restraints and taking He Who Was into his arms, lifting him from the pleasurable prison he had been placed upon. “Ah, Dear One… Let me savour your pain like a fine wine. You still wish for more, do you not?” Haarlep left them to it, knowing the screams of pleasure and agony entwined would echo from the walls from both for hours to come.

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Chapter 5 - Coming to an End

“There you are, my friend!” Volo beamed excitedly as Haarlep finally arrived at the last room. Their other guests had all been attended to and left more than satisfied, though the remnants of the wizard’s particular wine still left their head full of strange words and thoughts. “Come, come. We have been awaiting your report rather eagerly.” The incubus followed the excitable man inside, noting the mindflayer and its partner were sat, fully nude, discussing a notebook whilst filling its pages. “They’re here.” The hobgoblin spoke plainly, turning to face them.

“Take a seat, my good incubus, I have been so desperate to hear how inspirational the evening has been!” The wizard’s grin spread to every whisker of his beard, pulling a chair close to where the lovers sat together, Omeluum’s tentacles idly caressing Blurg’s body as it greeted them telepathically. “The wine has been of great interest to our studies. One has been taking note of everything within your mind, recording it, for posterity. Do all of your kind possess such an appetite?” It regarded them, with what they could only assume was a judgemental gaze, though something in its eyes also looked…impressed? Curious? Haarlep wasn’t entirely sure how to read the expression of a being with tentacles for a face and no genitals to speak of.

“You’ve been…writing what’s in my mind?” Suddenly things began to make more sense, and they turned to Volo who was still smiling like a fool. “Is this what you poisoned the drinks with?”

“Oh, no! No no no, picking up on thoughts is a particular skill of our tentacled friend here. I just added a little of my personal supply, a particular potion developed in the far lands of-” “The point, if you please.” Their tail batted at his shin like an irritated cat.

“No appreciation for a good story these day-” Another swipe, higher up his thigh and dangerously close to the end of his personal staff. “It’s one I drink when I wish to write the more…erotic literature, you see. I find it makes the words flow far more freely, dissolves away all those nasty little blocks where one can’t find the right word to describe the situation.” “So you end up with the wrong words…” Haarlep sighed, the plethora of wizard sleeves and tickle-sticks running through their mind finally adding up to the sum total of fuck this guy. Although, that might not be such a terrible idea… “Tell me, do you have any other uses for that mouth other than running it a mile a minute?”

“We do have room for another chapter.” Omeluum addressed the room through their collective minds. “One might wish to experiment with the effects of an incubus…”

“Agreeable. Fine data to add, while the opportunity presents itself.” Blurg agreed, dutifully presenting himself as another point of data.

“Hmmm I have yet to bed such a collection of creatures at one time, but I shall endeavour to please one and all, in the name of research!” Volo ejaculated, from his mouth this time but it was clear he was quite keen for other options with the speed in which his clothes hit the floor.

Haarlep contemplated their options. By now, Raphael would be passed out over his desk, drenched in sweat and his own emissions from the amount of stimulation through their deal’s connection. They had planned to go there soon, wake him and make him beg for a their full attention, to feel pleasure firsthand and not just ecstasy’s lingering echoes through Haarlep’s copy of his form. But…this was an intriguing proposition, and it would be a way to take a little revenge on Volo for tainting their night’s pleasure for his own gain. Not that they hadn’t enjoyed their time, of course, but…

“Agreed.” They nodded. “But the wizard will need a gag.”

—

By the time Haarlep was in the baths in the Boudoir, the light of whatever passed for dawn in Avernus tinting the room a brighter orange, they were entirely satisfied. Raphael’s stomping around and complaining washed over them like the scented soaps that smoothed their skin, as they completely ignored his rampage over how they had taken far too many lovers in one night and ruined his favourite underclothes. A copy of the manuscript, complete with the final chapter with the wizard and his cohorts, was already tucked safely away under the bed. Perhaps they could bind him to the bed and read it to the furious Master of the House later. He might quite enjoy hearing about how his Little Mouse had let her breasts bounce boobily as she squeaked with delight… They shook the thought from their head. Later. For now they continued to wash the kisses of a hundred lovers from their skin whilst trying to scrub the last of the terrible literature from their mind.

--- --- ENDING NOTES --- --- Thank you for joining me on this misadventure! Be sure to check out the other works in the collection or tagged on here with "BG3AprilFoolishness" This was...an experience? Let's call it that~ Really though it was fun to play with things being silly and using the worst terms I could drag from the depths. If you found this erotic, I'm not sure if I should thank you or apologise, either way NO REFUNDS! Until next time, loves, I promise I will never write anything this intentionally awful again. Probably. Until next year.

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