buddie + afraid of heights

a commission for the lovely han! @exhuastedpigeon thank you friend <3

Great Perhaps (Peter Parker x reader)

a/n: this is by far the longest oneshot ive ever written (10,292 words babey!!) but i really love how this turned out!! i hope u enjoy!! just a few notes; 1) this is based off looking for alaska so it’ll loosely follow the premise of it but it’s not exactly the same, 2) i don’t have a taglist so any & all posts will be tagged ‘oneshot: great perhaps’!! 3) endgame never happened in this lmao

warnings: language, making out, underage drinking, mentions/descriptions of bad mental health, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions/descriptions of death, grief, sadness™

please reblog/leave feedback!! 

moodboard/teaser

102 days before (8/24/19) Peter groaned, wiping the sweat off his forehead. Stacking up the last of the boxes, he sighed, grabbing the water bottle from his now empty dresser and gulping it all down. Leaving his room, he entered the kitchen where May was, making dinner for Peter’s last night home. “Hey May. Is dinner ready?” Peter asked, sweat drenching his clothes. “Not yet, go take a shower!” May grinned, knowing that’s exactly what Peter was going to ask. “Awesome, thanks May.” Peter replied, heading off to the bathroom. He tried not to think about not seeing Ned or MJ for a while, at least until Thanksgiving. MJ was going to NYU and Ned was taking a gap year to travel, but planned his travels so he’d be home for Thanksgiving to see his best friend. He felt the lukewarm water making contact with his skin, Peter sighing in relief. With the late August heat, warm showers felt like hell, but cold showers were still uncomfortable so Peter was stuck trying to compromise. It had been nearly a year since Peter got out of the soul stone. The months had been long, filled with therapy and nightmares, but he had made incredible progress and was ready to leave New York to go to a new state and get a fresh start at Massachusetts Institute of Technology. He hopped out of the shower, throwing on some sweats and an old shirt, before joining May in the kitchen. “Perfect timing, dinner’s ready!” May smiled, Peter sitting down as May served him spaghetti and meatballs with a side of salad. “I bet you’re hungry, been packing all day!” May commented, a sad smile gracing her lips. 

She was so proud of Peter, but she would miss him tremendously when he was at school. When Tony Stark knocked on her door to tell her Peter was gone, her world had ended. When he knocked on her door again, this time with a weak Peter, she hugged him so tightly Peter thought he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t mind it, though, he had felt so empty in the soul stone it was nice to feel contact with someone else again. Peter didn’t even have to apply to MIT, Tony knew what an extraordinary kid Peter was and when Peter said he wanted to go to Massachusetts for college, he used his connections to hook him up with a full ride when him and May were sure the nightmares had stopped, or at least weren’t happening as frequently. “Yeah. I mean you were too, but you got a break.” Peter teased, May feigning offense. “To make you dinner!” Peter chuckled, taking another bite of his favorite meal. After dinner, Peter helped May clean up. “You’re not gonna go back to your room just yet, right? Gonna stay out here for a bit?” May asked quietly, thinking of all the times in the days and weeks after Peter’s return that he shut May out, often returning to his room immediately after dinner without saying a word. As the months and therapy went on, Peter began opening up more and spending more time with May again. “Yeah.” He nodded, seeing her smile and pull out a DVD. “Anchorman.” She smiled. “Figured we could both use some comedy.” Peter grinned, seeing her pull out ice cream as well. “I got some ice cream, figured we could have a little movie night before you go.” She offered, Peter getting the ice cream scooper out. “Just like old days, yeah?” “Just like old days.” - The next morning, Peter woke up with a pit in his stomach. He was so ready to get a fresh start, but he was leaving his home. He was leaving May, Ned, MJ. “Honey? Ned is here!” May called, knocking on Peter’s door, before opening it and letting Ned in, who couldn’t get more than two feet with the boxes everywhere. “Hey man.” Peter greeted, getting out of bed. “Hey Peter, I know you’re leaving soon, but I wanted to stop by and say goodbye. Again.” He said, his voice cracking. “Aw man, it’s okay. I’ll be back before you know it!” Peter comforted his best friend, giving him a hug. “Yeah, but, I’ll miss you.” Ned whispered. “I’ll miss you too. Facetime me?” Peter asked, his voice low. “Yeah. Yeah of course. Good luck, man. Go save the world.” Ned smiled sadly, giving Peter one last hug before Peter walked him out. “Well, Peter. Today’s the day.” May sighed. “How do you feel?” “Nervous. ‘M scared to leave you. But I’m excited.” He answered honestly, chuckling when May pulled him into a tight hug. “I love you, you know that right? A-And you can always call me. Or Tony. He may get to you faster but both of us are here for you.” She rambled, the tears she had built up finally spilling over. “It’s okay, May, I know. I’ll call you a lot, I promise.” Peter comforted. May pulled away, cupping her nephew’s cheeks and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Let’s go pack the car, okay? We have a long drive.” - After a three hour and twenty eight minute drive, May was finally pulling up to MIT. “Why don’t you go to your residence hall and check in? I’ll wait here and see if we can park here or if I have to move.” May suggested, Peter nodding in response. He hesitated before he opened the car door and heading over to his residence hall. “Hey! Welcome to MIT, what’s your name?” The student asked. “P-Peter. Peter Parker.” He answered. “You’re on the second floor. 218.” The student smiled, handing Peter his ID. “Thanks.” Peter mumbled, before going out to find May, when someone approached him. “Hey, you Peter Parker?” He asked. Peter nodded in confusion. “I’m Thomas, your roommate. I just heard you check in.” Thomas introduced, extending his hand, Peter shaking it. “Hey- have you heard about a girl? Supposedly her name’s y/n, she knows one of my friends, Oliver. I’m sure she’s nice but apparently she’s super well known.” Tom told Peter, who shook his head. “No I haven’t. Hey, Thomas-” “Call me Tom!” Tom interrupted. “Alright, Tom! I’m gonna go find my aunt, I’ll see you back here.” Peter told him, earning a nod from his roommate. Peter made his way back to May, who had already began unpacking. “Peter! You all checked in?” May asked, wiping some sweat from her forehead. “Yeah. Met my roommate too. Said something about a girl named y/n who knows his friend Oliver.” Peter relayed the information Tom told him to his aunt while helping her unpack the boxes. “Hopefully they’re nice, honey.” “Yeah, I can’t wait to meet them.” - Hours later and Peter was moved in with Tom and all of them were drenched in sweat. Tom and his parents had gone to see what the rest of the evening entailed, while May and Peter hung out in the dorm. “Alright well, you’re moved in. Anything else you need?” May asked. “Maybe we should see where the counseling center is. You know, just incase.” Peter said, May nodding. “Of course, honey. Then let’s get some food.” She said, putting her hands on her nephew’s shoulders. The pair had found the counseling center, before going to get food. They ate with minimal conversation, neither of them wanting to say the one word they had to, though May would be staying in a nearby hotel because of the long drive. Eventually, the time had come and the two had to part. “Promise me you’ll call me if you need anything? You know I’m right up the street for tonight and my phone is always on incase you need me and you have Tony’s number- Oh! Let me give you Ned’s mom’s number in case you ever want to talk to her instead and-” “May, May, I promise I’ll call. I’ll be okay, yeah?” Peter promised, placing his hands on her shoulders. She pulled him into a hug, Peter tucking his head into May’s neck, a habit he had picked up since he returned. “See you tomorrow, goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you so much.” May whispered against his forehead before placing a kiss there. “I love you too, have a good night.” Peter responded. - Opening his dorm, he was met with his roommate on his laptop. “Hey Peter.” Tom greeted. “Hey Tom.” Peter responded, getting a bag ready to go take a shower. “Listen, when you get back, I think we should get to know each other.” Tom told him. Peter groaned internally. He didn’t feel like recalling his time in the soul stone tonight. He never did, but especially not tonight. He wanted to sleep peacefully, without nightmares brought on by those memories. “Yeah, uh, sounds good.” Peter responded, before heading to the showers. When he returned, Tom was still there, still clicking away on his computer. “So where ya from?” Tom asked him. “Queens. You?” ‘I’m from Providence. It’s in Rhode Island. What are you majoring in?” He replied. Peter put his things away, hopping onto his bed. He hoped Tom didn’t bring up the Avengers or what happened after he returned at all that night. “Brain and cognitive science with a minor in biology. How about you?” Peter responded, opening his phone to see a text from May, saying that she missed him already. Peter’s friends and family were surprised when he said he wanted to major in brain and cognitive science and minor in biology. They were sure he’d do chemistry or engineering of some sort. The other person who wasn’t surprised was Tony, but that was because Peter told him. After nearly a year of dealing with anxiety, numbness, and PTSD, Peter told Tony that he wanted to study what goes on in the human brain so he could figure out what what was wrong with him. Tony told him the symptoms he was continually experiencing were quite common, and to try not to think of it as there was something was something wrong with him, rather that he was in the process of healing and that it takes time. Peter wasn’t convinced, but accepted the explanation. “Nuclear science and engineering.” Tom told him, Peter muttering a “that’s cool” before turning his attention back to his phone to reply to May. “So you haven’t heard of her? Y/N?” Tom asked, breaking the silence. “No, why?” Peter replied, confused as to why Tom was so hung up on her. Maybe it was his ex, maybe it was his crush. Whatever the case, Peter didn’t see the big deal. “I guess we’ll find out a little later in the week. She’s friends with my friend and he said she’s cool but kinda shady.” Tom said, still typing away on his computer while Peter, though it was early, went to sleep, hoping he had a peaceful sleep. - Peter woke up at 6 am the next morning. He didn’t have any nightmares, but he didn’t sleep great. Maybe it was the feeling of anxiety he felt the entire night, maybe it was because it wasn’t his own bed from home. He grabbed some shorts and a t-shirt, heading to the bathroom to change and wash his face. Glancing in the mirror, Peter sighed. He had no sense of identity anymore, before he could say he was Spiderman, a hero, a kid genius. Now he felt as if his experience in the soul stone was his identity and it was filled with an empty hole. He splashed some water on his hair, trying to get his curls looking at least decent before leaving the bathroom. - “Okay honey. Time for me to go.” May said, holding Peter at arms length. Her voice cracked when she spoke, making tears fill up in Peter’s eyes as he nodded. “I love you. Please call. And no drugs or alcohol, please. If you’re gonna drink do it responsibly. I don’t want to get a phone call saying you’re in the hospital for drug or alcohol related accidents.” She cried, pulling her nephew in for a tight hug. Peter nodded into her shoulder. “I love you too.” He muttered, wiping his eyes. “I’ll see you soon, yeah?” May said, assuring both of them. “Yeah. Have a safe trip home.” He told her, making her nod. “I’ll text you when I get home, alright?” She smiled sadly. Peter once again nodded wordlessly, giving her one last hug before he watched her get into the car and drive off. “Hey! Peter!” He heard. Wiping his eyes, he turned around to see Tom standing there with another guy and a girl. “Hey man this is my friend Oliver and the girl I told you about. This is y/n.” **Peter had never seen a girl so beautiful. She was radiant and her beauty was so effortless. Everything seemed to move in slow motion when she moved, her hair blowing gently in the late summer breeze behind her. “Hey. I’m y/n.” She introduced, holding out her hand. Peter was frozen, captivated by her before he finally placed his hand in hers, shaking it gently. “P-Peter. I’m Peter.” He stammered. She smiled and Peter swore the sun got a little brighter. “C’mon. I’ll introduce you to some friends.” She offered, Peter smiling and following her. They made their way to an empty classroom, where there was a group of people all sat in empty desks. “Geez y/n we thought you wouldn’t show up.” One of them said, Y/N rolling her eyes. “Oh be quiet you know how I am.” She replied, a smile on her face. “She’s right.” A softer voice giggled. “Peter these are my friends. Simon, Charlotte and Paige. You already know Thomas and Oliver. Everyone, this is Peter. He’s Tom’s roommate.” y/n introduced. Everyone nodded and smiled, Peter returning the gestures as they sat down. “Simon and Paige are dating and Charlotte and Oliver are dating. I’m sure Tom would’ve told you by now if he was taken.” She grinned, Tom rolling his eyes. “Hey I’m trying, okay? College is supposed to be full of cute girls.” Tom pouted. “We haven’t even started classes! We only just moved in today!” Paige pointed out. “How could you possibly be trying?” “Hey y/n why don’t you tell us your relationship status since you’re roasting Tom about his!” Oliver interrupted, his arm around Charlotte, who giggled. y/n raised her hands in surrender, a soft smile on her lips. “It’s complicated.” She answered, winking at Peter, who blushed. - Peter spent most of the day with his new group of friends, getting to know each of them and each of them getting to know Peter. They knew he was Spiderman and that he returned from the soul stone, but respected him when he said he didn’t want to talk about his return or experience in the soul stone and didn’t bring it up. The group decided to get dinner before going their separate ways to prepare for the first day of classes the next day. “So you like her? y/n?” Tom asked as him and Peter entered their room. “Hm? Yeah. Yeah she’s nice.” He replied, reaching into his pocket to get his phone to text May. To his surprise, when he opened the message app, y/n had texted him, asking him if he wanted to get lunch the next day. Peter was confused. This was sent to only him, not the group chat they had made. “I’m going to take a shower!” Tom told Peter. Peter nodded, telling him he was gonna go take a walk around campus and familiarize himself with the layout. - The summer night air felt nice against Peter’s skin. It wasn’t too hot, like it was earlier. But it wasn’t too cold, like Peter knew it would get as summer transitioned into fall. Looking up to the sky, Peter smiled when he wasn’t able to see a few constellations and stars against the navy blue with a hint of pink and yellow sky. “Peter?” A voice called. “That you?” Peter turned around, seeing y/n. “Hey.” He smiled. “Mind if I join you?” She asked, Peter shaking his head. “Not at all.” This time it was her turn to smile, her eyes sparkling under the minimal light from the building they were in front of and the moonlight. “So how do you know so many people already?” “Orientation.” She responded as the pair walked. “We all met at orientation and clicked right away.” “That’s really nice.” Peter replied honestly, y/n nodding in agreement. “So what else is there to know about you, Peter?” y/n asked. “I dunno. Not much really.” Peter shrugged. “Are you single or taken?” Peter felt his face heat up at the question. “Single. Why?” He answered, making her shrug. “‘M curious.” She told him, glancing at him. “Ever kissed anyone?” Peter shook his head. “Hm. I thought you would’ve by now, you’re cute.” She said, grinning when he blushed. “You know, it’s okay to struggle sometimes.” Peter’s eyes widened. “How did you-” “I saw you going to the counseling center with your mom.” She cut him off, making him nod. “I may go sometimes. I wanted to check it out. You were just there at the same time.” “My aunt.” She looked at him questioningly. “I was with my aunt. Both of my parents died when I was younger.” He told her, answering the question she didn’t ask but Peter knew she would ask. “My dad died when I was young. ‘S just me and my mom.” She said. “I’m sorry. It sucks.” Peter spoke, making her nod enthusiastically in agreement. “The stars look so pretty at night.” She hummed, looking at the night sky decorated with the stars. “You like space, Peter?” “Not really.” He winced. “The stars do look nice, though.” “They do.” She sighed. “I love astronomy. I think it’s so interesting and space is so beautiful.” “I’m more of a chem person.” Peter answered simply, earning a ‘valid’ in response. “Well. I better get going. Classes tomorrow.” She grunted, pulling herself off the grass, Peter following her movements. “Well, it was nice talking to you.” Peter said. “Yup. I wanna do it again sometime.” She told him, grinning when he blushed again. “Do you mind if I kiss you?” She asked, taking Peter by surprise. “What? Is-isn’t your relationship status complica-” Peter was cut off by her lips on his cheek in a kiss that was over almost as quickly as it started. “I’m a complicated girl.” She winked. “See you tomorrow!” She called as she walked back to her dorm. As Peter walked back to his, his mind was reeling with what happened. He wondered why she wanted to kiss him, even if it was only on the cheek and why her relationship status was complicated. He wondered why she said she was complicated. Peter wanted those answers but coming from his own experience, he hated when people asked about personal things he didn’t want to talk about. His mind wandered to the interest he picked up after he returned: quotes. More specifically, last words. He loved regular quotes, ones that inspired him each and every day but since he became dwelling on his own last words, his focus shifted to last words. He became replaying his last words ‘I’m sorry,’ over and over again in the soul stone, wondering if anyone besides Tony knew his last words and if they made an impact on anyone. His favorite that he found was by Richard Feynman. He said “I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.” Peter hoped he wouldn’t die again for a long time or lose someone close to him. For Peter, death was more than boring. Death was emptiness; it was a void that was never filled no matter how much Peter yelled, screamed or cried in the soul stone. He hoped nobody would ever feel that way. It never occurred to him that someone might be feeling that way while they were alive. 71 Days before (9/24/19) It was nearly a month into the semester and Peter was slowly but surely adjusting to college life. It had taken him a little while to get used to waking up in a place that wasn’t his apartment in New York and in the beginning, Peter found himself waking up in a panic some days because the thought of ‘what if I’m back in the soul stone?’ made its way up to the front of his head and manifested itself in his thoughts. Since it was nearly a month into the semester, midterms were coming up. Students all over campus were panicking about midterm grades and exams, as well as the occasional midterm project. Peter and his group of friends had been spending lots of time in the library, prepping for exams. Peter was most worried for his cellular and molecular neurobiology midterm. He understood the information, it was just a lot of information. Plus, he had three other exams to worry about. Despite the stress that came with midterms, Peter had enjoyed getting to know his new group of friends, particularly y/n. He still thought she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen and she intrigued him. She was closed off and reserved, yet was so open about other things. She barely had to study but got all As on her assignments. She was spontaneous, yet planned out things like getting lunch or dinner. She was an Anthropology and Humanities double major, a combination that would stress most people out to no end, but not her. Peter got lunch with her often, if he wasn’t eating with her, he was eating with Tom or the whole group was eating together. They laughed and joked around and most of the time on the weekends, they preferred to go to someone’s room, make a ton of popcorn and watch a movie rather than go to a party, though they did go to the occasional party and make fun of who was the funniest while drunk. While the weather was still nice, Peter found himself studying outside in the quad, looking over his google doc of notes and diagrams while listening to spotify-made playlist. He usually made his own, but since coming back, he found he barely had the energy or creative motivation to make new playlists. “Let me guess. Studying for cellular and molecular neurobiology.” A familiar voice interrupted the instrumental music playing softly in his headphones. Taking them off, he was greeted with y/n sitting across from him, smiling softly. He paused his music, putting his headphones away before turning to her. “How’d you know?” He chuckled. “‘S what you’re always studying for. Do you even study for your other exams?” She teased, making Peter roll his eyes, though he couldn’t ignore the way his heartbeat sped up. “Have you studied for any of your exams?” He retaliated, making her feign offense. “I have, actually! I studied a solid hour for my intro to anthropology exam!” She replied. “Wow I’m shocked.” Peter laughed. “Are you here to study or did you just want to come tell me that you studied for one exam?” “Wow, Parker. Wanna get rid of me that badly?” “F course not. If I wanted you gone so badly, I would’ve asked you leave ages ago.” He chuckled, earning another eye roll. “Listen, midterms are over on Friday for both of us.” She started, Peter nodding. “Wanna do something fun Friday night?” “Like what?” Peter asked, curious as to what she had in mind. “Dunno.” She shrugged. “Like a party or something.” “Yeah sure. Um, is everyone else going?” Peter felt his heartbeat pick up again as y/n shook her head. “Nah. Pretty sure some of them got midterms on Monday. Besides, I think we should be able to have a night to ourselves. Don’t ya think?” She asked him, eyes wide and sparkling under the fall sunlight. “Yeah. Yeah for sure.” He answered nervously. “Cool! I’ll text you on Friday to tell you the details!” She spoke enthusiastically, getting up from the table, giving Peter a wave before heading off in the direction of their res hall. - Friday was here before Peter knew it and while the thought of his exam was all he could think about at first, after he finished his exam, he felt himself getting nervous about going out with y/n. Was it a date? Did she like him? Did he like her? His thoughts were interrupted by his phone vibrating, signaling he got a text. Checking his phone, he saw it was from y/n, telling him to swing by her dorm around 8 to head over to the party she had decided on. He replied, telling her that sounded like a good plan, before checking the time. 5:30 pm. He sighed before texting Tom to see if he wanted to get dinner. Tom replied quickly, telling Peter that sounds good and to meet him in the dining hall. Peter made his way to the dining hall, seeing Tom walking up to the entrance. “Tom!” Peter called, waving at his roommate from a few feet away. Tom paused and waited for Peter, greeting him with a pat on the shoulder. The pair headed inside, asking each other about their days and if they had any exams and if they did, how they went. The conversation was mundane until they finally sat down with their food. “So do you have any plans for tonight?” Tom asked. “Uh, yeah. y/n and I are gonna go to a party.” Peter responded, seeing Tom tense up. “Just you and her?” Tom asked, Peter nodding. “She said it’s to celebrate finals being over for us.” He replied, Tom sighing. “Is there something going on between the two of you?” Tom looked at Peter, hoping he’d tell the truth. “I dunno. Don’t think so.” Peter muttered. “Do you want there to be something between the two of you?” Peter only shrugged at this question, the two of them eating in near silence before they headed back to their room. Peter got ready fairly quickly, letting Tom know when he was planning on leaving to go get y/n. “Be careful, man.” Tom cautioned. “Yeah I will, don’t worry.” Peter responded casually. “No I mean with y/n. You don’t know her.” Tom warned, Peter mumbling a response before leaving. Peter knocked on y/n’s door, smiling when she swung open the door. “Ready to go?” She asked, Peter nodding. “Where are we going?” Peter asked, curious as to what party she had found. “Just a frat party on campus should be fun.” She replied, leading the way to the party. They arrived in a few minutes, y/n greeting the boy at the door, briefly introducing Peter before dragging him to the kitchen where the drinks were, grabbing shots glasses, pouring alcohol into one and handing it to Peter. “What is this?” Peter asked as y/n finished her first shot. “Vodka. Drink.” She instructed, taking another shot. Peter did as she told, nearly vomiting at the feeling of the alcohol running down his throat. She poured him another, and another, and another until they were both drunk enough to let loose, but not enough to blackout. Don’t Tell ‘Em played hazily in the background, Peter and y/n dancing as well as they could with the alcohol in their system. When My First Kiss came on, y/n turned around to face Peter, throwing her arms around his neck. “You’ve never been kissed before, right?” She asked, Peter shaking his head. “Perfect.” Next thing he knew, her lips were on his in a messy kiss, her hands cupping his cheeks while his made their way to her waist. Peter knew in the back of his mind that they would have too talk about this at some point, but between her lips on his and the alcohol in his veins, he couldn’t find it in himself to care and pushed the thought away to deal with it another day. 50 days before (10/15/19) It had just about been a month since Peter and y/n went to the frat party and they hadn’t talked about what had happened. Peter brought it up to her briefly, but y/n had brushed it off as being and it not meaning anything. Peter couldn’t lie, that hurt, but he tried to ignore it. That worked for a while, he was able to ignore the butterflies he got in his stomach when she was around and the way his heart beat faster when she walked in the room. But then they kissed again. And again. And again. Currently, she was sat on Peter’s lap, both of them fully engrossed in a messy kiss, her hands cupping his cheeks, his resting softly on her waist. “Hey,” He mumbled as she pulled away. “Can I ask you something?” “You just did.” She replied, her eyes still focused on his swollen lips. “What are we? What is this?” He asked, gesturing to the space between them. “We’re friends, Peter.” She muttered. “Friends don’t kiss. At least not the way we do.” He replied. “Fuck, Peter. We’re just fucking friends.” y/n groaned, climbing off his lap. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. If you wanna be just friends, we can be just friends.” Peter soothed, as much as it hurt him. “Good. We’re just friends.” She grumbled, turning away from the door. Peter sat down on his bed, allowing her to climb right back onto his lap, Peter brushing some of her hair out of her face. “You’re really pretty.” He sighed, earning an eye roll from her. “Shut up and kiss me.” She mumbled, pressing her lips to his. Their kiss was interrupted when Tom walked in, immediately groaning and covering his eyes. “Jesus can you two get a room?” He grumbled, putting his stuff. “Technically, we did.” y/n giggled, making Peter smile and Tom roll his eyes before y/n turned back to Peter. “I better get going.” She climbed off his lap once again, this time Peter following her, watching as she put her shoes on, before giving Peter one last kiss and leaving. “Sure there’s nothing going on between you two?” Tom asked, sitting down at his desk and taking out his computer. “Nope. She says we’re just friends.” Peter insisted, taking out some homework to work on. “Well what do you say?” Peter shifted uncomfortably under his roommate’s gaze. “I say…whatever she wants to be, that’s what we’ll be.” Peter responded. “I’m telling you, man. You gotta be careful. She’s playing you.” Tom warned. “I’ve talked to Paige and Simon and they said that y/n told them she’s been hooking up with some frat boy on campus.” Peter felt his heart clench at the revelation, but didn’t say anything, rather, put some music on and focused on his homework, even though it was Saturday and he’d much rather be reading a book or playing video games. The next day, Peter went to y/n’s room, where rather than make out, y/n just wanted to talk. “What d’you want to talk about?” Peter asked nervously, y/n shrugging as she let him into her room. “Anything and everything.” She replied, laying down on her bed, motioning for Peter to join her. “What’s something no one knows about you?” Peter thought for a minute before responding. “I, uh, kind of got interested in last words and quotes about death after I came back.” “Why?” y/n asked, looking up at Peter. “I don’t know. I guess I had just had so much time to reflect on mine before I came back, I just wanted to know what other people had to say.” “That’s fair.” She replied. “What was it like?” “What was what like?” Peter answered nervously, knowing she meant being in the soul stone, but wanting to hear her say it. “Being in the soul stone.” She told him, making the knot in Peter’s stomach grow tighter. “Um,” He sighed. “It was really dark. And empty. And cold. No matter how much I yelled or screamed, no one heard me.” “Do you think that’s what it’s like when we die?” She asked, looking up at her ceiling. “Yeah. I think that’s exactly what it’s like when we die.” Peter told her honestly. “Wow.” She sighed. “Yeah. Wow.” Peter felt her move to lay down on his chest. “Do you have plans for Thanksgiving?” “Nope. I was planning on staying here. That’s far away, though.” She replied. “Really? Not going home?” He asked, surprised. “Nah. Going home is hell for me. I’d be going home to a loveless house.” “You could come to my apartment.” Peter offered, making her look up at him yet again, this time her eyes full of surprise and hope. “Really?” “Yeah I could ask my aunt. ‘M sure she wouldn’t mind, though. Especially given your circumstances.” He assured her. “Wow, uh, yeah, sure Peter! I’d love that.” y/n grinned, cuddling back into his chest. The two of them laid in silence for a little bit before Peter decided to confront y/n with what Tom had told him the day before. “Hey y/n?” He asked. When he got no reply, he looked down to find the girl fast asleep on his chest. He smiled, giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead, deciding that asking her about who she was hooking up with could wait for another day. - It wasn’t until Wednesday of the next week that Peter could ask y/n about what Tom had told him. “Hey y/n? Can I talk to you about something?” He asked, sitting next to her on a picnic table outside in between classes. “Sure. What’s up?” She replied, looking up from her anthropology book. “Uh, someone told me that you were hooking up with a frat boy on campus. Is, um, that true?” He scratched the back of his neck, something he did when he was nervous. “Yup.” She replied. “So what am I?” Peter couldn’t help himself asking. “What are you? Peter you’re my friend. We’ve been over this.” She groaned. “y/n you’re just using me.” Peter snapped. “Yeah, and? I don’t date, Peter. You should know this by now.” y/n replied, both of them getting frustrated. “Okay so you don’t date. But you’re leading me on and hooking up with other guys in your free time!” “Not my fault you fell for me, Peter. And if you seriously can’t deal with me simply making out with you and nothing else, maybe we shouldn’t be friends anymore.” She spoke harshly. “I’m not gonna keep hurting myself to please you.” Peter mumbled softly after a moment of silence.

“Okay. Bye, then.” She waved him off, turning back to whatever she was doing, while Peter walked away, unsure of how this would affect everyone else in their friend group. 

20 days before (11/14/19) Barely a month had passed since the fight between Peter and y/n. Tom, Paige, and Simon supported Peter and his argument while Charlotte and Oliver favored y/n’s side. The group all hung out together, but there was an unspoken tension in the air that was splitting them apart. Thanksgiving was coming up, but with Thanksgiving, came finals soon after. All the students kept this in the back of their minds, but still looked forward to their few days off. Peter had texted May briefly, but hadn’t called her in a while or told her what really happened between him and y/n. He was in the middle of doing homework when he felt his phone vibrating, prompting him to pick up and check, seeing an incoming call from May. “Hello?” He answered. “Hey honey! How are you?” May asked cheerily. “‘M okay, just doing homework.” Peter responded. “Yeah? How are your classes going?” May’s voice softened when she heard her nephew’s soft voice. “Good. They’re good.” He told her, almost sensing the frown on the other side of the phone. “And you, Peter? How are you doing?” May asked again. “‘M doing okay.” He told her, hearing her sigh. “Peter, sweetheart, you can be honest with me.” May told him. “Are you going to the counseling center?” “No, I don’t need to. ‘M not having nightmares.” Peter replied honestly. “Well that’s great honey, but you don’t sound like you’re doing alright mentally.” May pointed out, Peter sighing. “It’s a long story, May.” He nearly whispered. “I got into a fight with one of my friends.” “Aw sweetie I’m sorry. You wanna talk about it?” She asked sympathetically. Peter shook his head, forgetting that May couldn’t see him. “No, ‘s okay. I’ll tell you about it over Thanksgiving.” He responded, “Okay honey. I can’t wait to see you again.” She smiled. “Can’t wait to see you too, May. ‘M excited to come home.” He breathed. As much as he loved college, he was getting homesick. “Good. I’m glad. I miss you, Peter.” May told him. “Miss you too, May.” Peter sighed. “I’ll let you get back to your homework now. Love you, Peter.” May smiled. “Love you too, May. See you soon.” Peter said, hanging up and putting his phone down. He did a couple more problems before he was interrupted by Tom coming into the room. “Hey man.” Tom greeted, taking out one of his earphones. “How were your classes today?” “I mean they were good but I’m so tired. I could fall asleep right now.” Peter chuckled. “Oh same. I just wanna sleep.” Tom replied. “Early night tonight?” “If I can finish these problems.” Peter laughed. “Did you wanna get dinner tonight?” Tom nodded. “Wanna go soon?” Peter felt his stomach growl. “Yeah. For sure.” “Cool. I think I’m gonna take a quick shower and then we can go?” Tom suggested. “Sounds good.” Peter told his roommate, who gathered his stuff before heading to the bathroom. Peter watched as Tom walked out before turning his attention back to his homework, trying to concentrate. His mind however, filled with thoughts of y/n. Even though they had fought and even though she hurt him, he still couldn’t stop thinking of her. To Peter, y/n was the prettiest girl he had ever met. The thoughts of her were still enough to give him butterflies and make his heart beat a little faster. He wished they hadn’t fought. He wished he could still be with her but as her boyfriend. His thoughts were interrupted by Tom coming in, towel drying his hair as soon as the door closed. “Ready to go?” Tom asked Peter, who nodded. “Yeah.” He responded quietly, making Tom look at him with concern. “You okay, man?” Tom checked, Peter nodding slowly. “Yeah. ‘M fine.” He muttered. Tom didn’t think Peter was fine, but he dropped it. If there was one thing he learned about Peter since meeting him, it was that Peter would open up if and when he was ready, but not to pry.

7 days before (11/28/2019) “I think you should talk to her.” May told her nephew at Thanksgiving dinner. Just like previous years, it was just the two of them enjoying a meal they made together. “What if she doesn’t want to talk to me?” Peter asked quietly, taking a bite of turkey. “Sweetheart it’s thanksgiving. Didn’t you say she wasn’t going home for the holiday? She’s probably all by herself at school. Give her a call.” May responded. Peter sighed, knowing she was right. He smiled softly, letting his aunt know he would call y/n when dinner was over. The two finished their meal with Peter telling May all about school and how classes were going and which finals he was most worried about. When they were done, May excused Peter to give y/n a call rather than help her with dishes like she usually insisted he do. “Are you sure?” He asked, May smiling and nodding in response. “It’s getting late, go call her before it gets too late.” May instructed. Peter thanked her and told her he’d be back to help her after he got off the phone. As he made his way to his room, Peter felt the pit in his stomach grow. What would he say? What would she say? He took a seat on his bed, took a deep breath, and pulled out his phone, glancing through the text messages from Mj and Ned who were both asking when they’d see him again. He made a mental note to reply to them afterwards. Dialing her number, he shakily brought the phone to his ear while it rang. The more the phone rang, the more nervous Peter got. The phone rang and rang and rang and eventually Peter thought she wouldn’t pick up until- “Hello?” “y/n?” Peter asked, shocked she picked up. “Peter.” She responded simply. “Um, Happy Thanksgiving.” He mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. “Happy Thanksgiving. You at home?” She asked, Peter nodding even though she couldn’t see him. “Yeah, I am. Where are you?” He asked, this time she shrugged on the other side of the phone, even though he couldn’t see her. “At school.” She told him. A silence took over the pair before Peter broke it. “Hey y/n?” His voice was soft, almost a whisper. “Yeah Peter?” “‘M sorry about the fight.” He mumbled. “Me too, Peter. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She said softly. “‘S okay. I miss you.” Peter smiled sadly. “Miss you too. You coming back on Sunday?” She asked. “Yeah. Looking forward to finals.” Peter chuckled. “Shut up. Don’t remind me.” She laughed. “Wanna hang out when you get back?” “Of course.” Peter answered. “Awesome. See ya then.” She grinned. “See you then. Nice talking to you, y/n. Hope you had a nice holiday.” “You too, Peter.” And with that, they hung up, both of them relieved. Peter texted Mj and Ned back before heading back to the kitchen where May was setting up dessert. “Hey honey! How was it?” May smiled. “Good. Really good. We’re okay.” Peter answered, smiling. “Good. I’m glad.” May grinned. “Me too, May.” 1 day before (12/3/2019) y/n was in Peter and Tom’s room. The three of them were hanging out and y/n had a little too much to drink. Both boys knew she kept alcohol in her room and knew she must’ve been drinking before she sloppily knocked on their door. 

It was entertaining, though. She was rambling and telling funny stories, Peter thought she was adorable. “I can’t believe finals are soon.” She gasped suddenly, sitting up on Peter’s bed. “Came up fast, didn’t they?” Peter chuckled. “So fast. Like…like a race car on a racetrack.” She mumbled, eyes wide. “Oh my god..I’m in college!” “Pretty sure you have been for the past three months.” Tom chuckled. “Well yeah but I didn’t ever think I’d make it to college.” She responded. “Thought I’d be dead by now. Surprised I held on for so long.” Peter and Tom went silent. They knew exactly what she meant, though it was a shock to them. She was so happy and energetic, seemed like the happiest girl in the world. Neither of them suspected she was anything but happy most of the time. “Wanted to die for so fucking long.” She mumbled softly. “‘M doing better, though. I feel better.” “That’s good, y/n. Really good.” Peter told her honestly. “Won’t feel good in a few hours though.” She muttered, taking a sip of vodka from a half empty mini bottle. “Will feel sick.” “Uhh where’d you get that?” Tom asked, confusion taking over both him and Peter’s faces. “This?” She responded, holding up the mini bottle of alcohol. “Brought it over here. Want some?” Tom shook his head. “Peter?” She offered. Peter shook his head. “Well,” She shrugged. “More for me.” She continued drinking until the bottle was empty. “Peter.” She spoke, sloppily moving over to Peter, who was sitting on the floor. “Yeah y/n?” He replied. “I like you. A lot.” She giggled, resting her head on his chest. “I like you too.” He smiled. “No! No like…I like you. In a more than a friend way.” She giggled again. Peter froze, not knowing what to say or how to react. “Oh shit.” Tom mumbled. “I really do.” “y/n you’re drunk..” Peter’s voice trailed off. “Drunk words are sober thoughts, Peter.” She said softly, laying on his chest a little longer before sitting up. “I’m gonna go back to my room.” “Are you in the right condition to walk back on your own?” Peter asked. “It’s only a few doors down, Peter. I’ll be fine.” She laughed. “You sure?” Tom asked, earning a nod from y/n, who got up, stumbling slightly. “Peter, we will continue this later.” She declared, giggling before leaving their room. Peter and Tom chuckled, before getting ready for bed. Peter picked up the now empty mini vodka bottle, threw it away, turned off the lights and him and Tom went to sleep without a second thought. 

After 

Peter and Tom woke up the next morning to one of their RAs knocking on the door, announcing a hall meeting. They stepped out, choosing to simply sit in front of their doors, as most of the other sleepy students had chosen to do. “Okay guys,” one of the RAs said, their voice shaky. “Looks like everyone’s here so we’re gonna get started.” Peter glanced to his left, across from him, and to his right, but there was someone missing. y/n. “Wait!” Peter blurted out before he knew what he was doing. “y/n’s not here. should we wait for her?” The RAs glanced at each other, debating what to tell Peter. “Please?” Peter whimpered out. “Can we please just wait for her?” “We don’t usually announce things like this, especially not in this manner but since she lived on this floor, we thought this might be more appropriate. Last night y/n y/l/n was killed. She was walking around Cambridge when she was hit by a car. The driver wasn’t paying attention to the road and ran a red light. They hit her going full speed.” One of the RAs finally told the students, who gasped. “If any of you need any grieving resources, we’re here, but the school will also bring on grief counselors for anyone who needs them. There will also be an email sent out later today.” Peter didn’t hear the last bit. It felt as if he got the wind knocked out of him- the hall was spinning and he felt sick to his stomach. Tom sat there in shock, his hazel eyes filling with hot tears. “They’re lying.” Peter whimpered. “They have to be lying, Tom! We saw her last night- She can’t be dead! She went back to her room!” “I don’t think they’re lying, Peter.” Tom mumbled, hot tears spilling from his eyes. He didn’t bother wiping them away. “I don’t think she went back to her room last night.” “W-What if she’s okay, though? Maybe she’s just in the hospital or maybe…she died on impact.” Peter finished softly as reality began to set in. “She’s dead.” Tom nodded, bringing his roommate in for a tight hug in the middle of the hallway while all the other students went back to their rooms to process their emotions. “Peter? Tom?” One of their RAs approached them. “Do you guys need anything?” It was clear that they weren’t okay, but how could anyone be okay after getting news that their friend died? Peter and Tom both shook their heads. “Thanks though.” Tom told the RA who smiled sadly, giving them each a pat on the back, letting them know that they were there for them if they needed anything before they all went back to their dorms. Peter felt numb. There was no other way to describe it. He physically felt the tears falling down his cheek and the sunlight coming in through the window of his dorm, but emotionally he felt numb, as if someone froze his emotions. Tom and Peter sat on the floor of their room in silence that was broken by the occasional sniffle. Both of them sat still, allowing the tears to just run down their cheeks. 

“We have classes today.” Peter spoke quietly, standing up slowly. “Should get ready.” 

“Guess so.” Tom replied, both of them starting to get ready for the day. Unlike other mornings, the boys were silent as they got ready. There was no music that played, nor was there conversation between the two of them. They just got ready, grabbed their stuff, and went off to classes or to breakfast without a word. The rest of the day went by in a blur. Peter went from class to class in a daze, his body physically doing the actions of walking from building to building to his various classrooms, taking down notes and information he’d need to know for finals next week, but his mind was somewhere else. In his mind, y/n was alive. She was alive and thriving, making jokes and rambling about the stars and her favorite constellations. And that’s where Peter wanted his mind to be. He didn’t want it to be focused in reality and he didn’t want it going back to when he was on Titan, so his mind opted to be somewhere where y/n was happy and alive. It was a sunny day. It was sunny but that didn’t make sense to Peter because even though y/n was alive in his mind, he still saw people crying and he still heard people talking about it walking around campus. It didn’t feel like a sunny day because y/n wasn’t here with them on campus. It felt like it should be cloudy and rainy even though it was December and people would much rather prefer snow. May called him later that same evening, after she knew all his classes were done. She wanted to check up on Peter- she got the email from the school about what happened. “‘M okay, May. Really.” He told her. “Are you sure Peter? I know you guys were friends-” “Yeah. Yeah I’m sure. I have finals to worry about.” He assured his aunt, who didn’t believe for a minute that he was okay. And worry about finals is exactly what Peter did. Over the following week, he buried himself in his work, only taking a break to eat or to get a few hours of sleep. 

He seemed to be doing pretty okay on the outside. He saw his friends, he was eating and sleeping, and he felt pretty good about his finals (which, as a college student, is a rare occurrence so feeling good about finals is a different level of feeling good). 

Anyone who knew Peter, knew differently. He saw his friends- Simon, Oliver, Paige, and Charlotte, occasionally and only for a short amount of time. He was isolating and distancing himself from his friends, including Tom. They had all picked up on it. And Peter knew that on the inside, he wasn’t doing well. When he took food breaks, he ate very little. Nights were the worst. He could no longer look at the stars, they were just a reminder of y/n and she wasn’t there anymore to tell Peter if another planet was visible or if you could see the big dipper and outline it for him. He could barely sleep at night, the thoughts and nightmares keeping him up. In his nightmares he was back in the soul stone. Surrounded by darkness, completely alone. But then there was y/n, crossing a street. No matter how much he yelled and screamed, Peter would only be able to watch as a car collided with her body. So he did what he could. He went into denial, not allowing his feelings to surface and distracted himself with whatever he could. He attended the memorial service for y/n with his group of friends. As soon as it was over, he went right back to studying for his finals while his friends went to hang out and spend time with each other. Finals came and went, and soon it was time for Peter to go home. May picked him up, greeting him with a big hug and asking how finals went, followed by how he was doing. Both questions were answered with a simple, one word answer; good. May didn’t believe Peter. She noticed it pretty quickly- he was just like he was when he came back from the soul stone. Withdrawn and in denial. The pair enjoyed their holiday season and for a brief period of time, it looked like Peter genuinely was doing okay. That ended pretty quickly. Peter soon went back to spending time alone, cooped up in his room, shutting May out. It was New Year’s Eve when May called Tony. She told him what was going on with Peter, how he was exactly like he was upon return from the soul stone. Tony was worried about the kid. Grief and guilt are not easy to deal with, Tony knew that better than anyone so he told May he’d be there as soon as possible. It was 2 pm on New Year’s Eve when Tony knocked on Peter’s bedroom door. May went out to get Peter’s favorite foods for later. “May, I’m fine I told you-” “It’s not May, kid.” Tony replied. There was a pause and some shuffling before Peter opened the door, shock written on his face. “Mr. Stark? How did you-” “Your aunt called me. You wanna come out here or should I go in there?” Tony asked, glancing at the mess that was Peter’s room.

Peter wordlessly stepped out of his room, him and Tony taking a seat on the couch. Peter was, in simple terms, a mess. His eyes were red and puffy, his curls were wild and untamed, it was obvious the kid wasn’t doing well at all. 

“Why’re you here? Not that I don’t want to see you but May didn’t tell me you were stopping by.” Peter spoke, his voice hoarse. 

“She’s worried about you-” Tony started. 

“I’m fine.” “Yeah your current physical state and the state of your room really reflect that.” Tony replied sarcastically. “What’s going on, kid?” Peter paused for a moment, his eyes drifting down to his lap. “It was my fault.” He finally whispered, hot tears filling his eyes. “What was your fault?” Tony asked. “y/n’s death. She’s my friend.” Peter answered. “Er, was my friend.” “May told me about what happened. How was it your fault, Peter?” “I didn’t stop her. I didn’t walk her back to her room and make sure she was settled in. I didn’t tell her that she was too drunk to walk anywhere by herself. She said she was fine and I just believed her!” Peter muttered. “I should’ve done something. Maybe she’d be alive if I did.” “Peter, listen to me.” Tony told Peter, who had tears falling down his cheeks. “This was not your fault. You didn’t know she was going to go out after that, you believed her because she didn’t give you a reason not to. You can’t blame yourself for that. Trust me, I know what you’re feeling right now.” “No offense, Mr. Stark, but I don’t think you know anything about what I’m feeling.” Peter mumbled, a silence coming over the two of them. “Remember Titan?” Tony asked quietly, Peter closing his eyes and nodding. “When Thanos snapped?” Another nod from Peter. “Do you blame me for what happened to you?” Tony asked Peter, who shook his head furiously. “No! No absolutely not Mr. Stark! You couldn’t have known I’d be one of the ones who’d get dusted.” Peter assured Tony. “I blamed myself for so long.” Tony whispered, tears now filling his eyes. “But Mr. Stark it wasn’t your fault.” Peter told him. “I should’ve made sure you got sent home, I never should’ve let you on the spaceship. I should’ve done more to stop Thanos. I should’ve done more to save you.” Tony said. “Mr. Stark-” “Eventually I got to the point where I couldn’t live with the hypotheticals and being so totally consumed with the past.” Tony explained. “I had to move forward and accept that I did all I could.” “How long did that take?” Peter asked quietly. “Time, kid. It took time for me and it’ll take time for you. It doesn’t happen over night.” Tony smiled sadly. “Were you angry? Because..I’m really really angry.” Peter said, his voice still quiet. “What are you angry about?” Peter let out a breath before answering. “I’m angry at y/n for walking around Cambridge drunk. I-I know that’s not fair but if she just stayed in her room than maybe she’d still be here. I’m angry at the driver who ran the red light and hit her. I’m angry at the universe for taking her away.” Peter spoke, his voice getting louder until he paused and took a breath, allowing some tears to fall. “God, Mr. Stark! It’s not fair! I was happy! I was doing really well! And..and then all of a sudden she was gone! Is it me? Do I not deserve to be happy?” Tony pulled Peter into a hug, his body shaking with sobs. “That’s it, kid. Let it all out.” Tony soothed. “You’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay.” Peter cried until he thought he’d run out of tears and then more would come. Eventually, Peter pulled away from the hug, wiping his eyes. “Sorry.” He mumbled, Tony shaking his head. “Don’t be sorry, kid. This is normal.” Tony assured him. “And, uh, you deserve to be happy. Sometimes these things happen and most times, the timing sucks. It doesn’t mean that you’re being punished for anything or that you don’t deserve to be happy.” “Sure feels like it.” Peter muttered. “I know it does.” Tony paused. “Have you put on your suit?” Peter knew what he was referring to. The suit Tony made for him that Peter got in Berlin. Peter shook his head. “No. Don’t feel like a hero right now.” He told Tony. “I know you don’t. You don’t have to put it on right now.” Tony assured him. “Do..do you think I could ever be able to put the suit on?” Peter asked hesitantly. He was scared for the answer. “I do.” Tony answered confidently. “It may take some time, and that’s okay.” “How much time does this…process take?” Peter asked, earning a shrug from Tony. “It depends, kid. It comes in waves.” Tony answered honestly. Peter nodded. “Guess I should clean up my room.” He said, a small smile tugging on his lips. “Don’t worry about it, kid. Take a shower first. You need to take care of yourself first.” Tony smiled, Peter nodding. “Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Mr. Stark.” He said sincerely, going to take a shower. Tony texted May and updated her before going to Peter’s room and cleaning up what he could, at least enough for Peter to walk in it again. When Peter came out from the shower, dressed in a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, Tony could see he looked much better, even if his little curls were flopping onto his forehead. May came home as well, bags of Peter’s favorite foods and a couple movies. She gave Peter a hug, rubbing his back softly, mouthing a ‘thank you’ to Tony. Tony gave Peter another hug before he left, telling Peter to call him or stop by whenever. Peter spent the rest of that night with May, eating ice cream and watching the ball drop at midnight. Over the course of his winter break, Peter started reaching out to friends more. He reached out to his college friends, the group of them deciding to go out for dinner at y/n’s favorite restaurant when they’re all back and settled at school. He reached out to Mj and Ned, the three of them reuniting. Tony was right. The grieving did come in waves. There would be days where Peter felt great and genuinely happy and days where he was sad and down and just needed to have a good cry. The nights became easier. Peter found that the nightmares were going away and if he did have one, he was able to fall back asleep. Little by little, he worked his way up to putting on the familiar blue and red suit, then to swinging around Queens again, until eventually, he found himself sitting on the rooftop of an apartment building, staring up at the stars. y/n was right. The stars were beautiful. He easily found her favorite constellation (the big dipper), a nearby star shining exceptionally bright. He knew that was her. Even though she wasn’t able to shine down on earth, Peter knew she was among the stars, shining down on him and their friends, a beautiful sign that maybe things would eventually be okay.

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