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#feel free to say i tagged you if you want to do this<3
markedbystars · 2 days
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I was tagged by @newreno to make myself in this picrew and post the last song i listened to 💕
I'll tag @ballafornian @chudchudchudchud @goatswoman @hauntedcatcafe @keziamydarling @lostflowers @mardelmarr @maslows-pyramid-scheme @sawsdoe
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destielfanfic · 1 day
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Group Ask #212
Relevant links to find lost fic
previous group asks - feel free to browse them!
spnstoryfinders
Guide to Finding Fic
Guide to Finding Lost Fic
PSA - Save Your Faves!
Lost and Found fic posts - when mods knew the answer!
when looking for fics similar to the ones you have read, check out our Fics like X Reference Post and Fics like X Tag
Before sending in a lost fic ask, please check out our Tags Page and see if the fic in question could be found under some plot/ trope/ pairing related tag! Big thanks to all followers who do check the tags before sending in the ask!!! Our anon is switched off for good but you can always ask for your url to be withhold either on the lost ask or the answer re fic.  <333
And even bigger thanks to all folks who help us to find lost fics! You guys are the real MVPs!!!
Ask #1 (Anon 1 ): there’s this fic…# 1
It's canon divergent and I think Dean and Cas get together in the middle of it. But it's a case fic where demons are gathering all over and Sam calls a bunch of hunters to the bunker. They split into teams and go to the areas where the demons are gathering. Dean and Cas are a team and they go to this office building and the boss is this lady who is possessed. I really really don't remember much else but there's one part that I recall vividly. Dean and Cas are caught by the demons in the office and tied up. The boss lady tells them that they actually want Sam. Dean asks her if she really expects him to give up his own brother. She says no, but Cas might. Cas says "he's my brother too." And that's basically all I remember. Also, I think Jody ends up rescuing them from the demons. And there's an asshole hunter that one of them punches. Sorry I know this is vague but I've been looking for this fic for months now.
Ask #2 ( ): there’s this fic…# 2
Hi! I’m looking for a fic, and I swear I’ve found it before and now I’ve lost it again, BUT. It’s an AU, that starts in like Roman/grecian times where Dean is captured and Cas (I think Cassius??) is the son of the lord and likes to taunt all the slaves his father’s got. Anyway one day Dean leads a revolt and ends up getting caught and killed for his efforts, and he vows as he’s dying to find cas in the next life. And then! They find each other in the next life!! But this time they’re falling in love! And I cannot for the life of me remember what it’s called or any relevant tags. I know I read it on AO3! Thanks!
Ask #3 ( @forthosethatwonder ): there’s this fic…# 3
Hi! I've been thinking about this fic for a while and I can't seem to find it. It's a very angsty story. I think it takes place in California. Dean and Cas are former foster kids who grew up next to each other. Dean, in a more normal house with Ellen or Missouri, as his parent. Cas was in a house with many other kids and had an abusive foster parent (Azazel/Allistar?) that he eventually has to kill to stop him from hurting the younger children. Cas eventually just disappears from Dean's life, but returns to the home when he finds out that Dean's foster mother is sick or recently died? The fic bounces between past and present. I hope those are the details, it's been a while since I've read it. Hopefully someone can remember what it is. Thank you!
Ask #4 ( @loveagoodstory2 ): there’s this fic…# 4
4.1 Hello I’m looking for a fic I read some time ago. In this story Dean takes a job as Cas companion. He saves Cas at a party by bringing him a phone call. Dean has a bad panic attack in the shower and Gabe helps him. I think Cas owes a security company.
4.2 There is also another one where Dean catches Cas in bed with Meg and it’s so heartbreaking. (He was able to catch them because he was driving a different car) Gabe and Sam are at the divorce proceedings with them because Dean had to go through therapy. Gabe feels bad because he introduced them.
Ask #5 ( @heynow-urarockstar ): there’s this fic…# 5
Hello! Really hoping you can help me find a destiel fic set around season 7. Sam and Dean find Cas from the lake all wounded and take him back to patch him up. Leviathans are after them, Sam keeps seeing Lucifer, and lots of Cas-whump as they move around a bunch. Cas is blind for a majority of the fic. Been looking for it for weeks! I think word count is around 60-100k words.
Ask #6 ( @trueastoast): there’s this fic…# 6
A while back I read a longer kinda slow burn fic where destiel were childhood or highschool friends later turned lovers. They get married later in life and foster to adopt a little girl then when she’s older they foster a troubled preteen boy the Cas thinks might be a lost cause but Dean puts in the work and they bond over past parental trauma and fishing. Wish I could remember the name I just know it was an AU with a sprinkle of internalized homophobia in the beginning of their relationship and disagreements over adoption later. Any tips appreciated!
Other requests
Ask #7 - our follower is looking for a possibly deleted fic, “Castiel Takes Care of Dean Winchester” by asexualclassicist on AO3.
Ask #8 - our follower is looking for a possibly deleted fic, “I’ve got a Bad Case of Lovin’ you” by HigherMagic.
Ask #9 - our follower is looking for a possibly deleted fic "Castiel's Scars" by Martypom.
It takes a village to find a lost fic, every reblog is appreciated!
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20 Q's for Fic Writers
Thanks for the tag @grungeeuvu
1. How many works do you have on Ao3?
At present, I have 46 fics posted on ao3. Used to have over 50 but I deleted/orphaned some
2. What's your total Ao3 word count?
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3. What fandoms do you write for?
Haikyuu is the only fandom I write for right now
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 
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5. Do you respond to comments?
Yes, almost always
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Probably this one
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7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Most of my fics have happy endings so this question feels impossible to answer lol
8. Do you get hate on fics?
No, I've only ever gotten 1 comment that was a bit rude, though it didn't seem intentional
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Not often, the vanilla kind
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
Setting counts as a crossover, right? I used to have a haikyuu fic that was set in Neverland (like from Peter Pan) but I deleted it because I wasn't happy with it. Was going to fully rewrite it, just have not had time/energy to do so. And I have an outline made for a haikyuu fic that's set in the Jurrasic Park universe (starts out similar to the first movie and goes from there, and almost every single haikyuu character is in the story somewhere)
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I'm aware of
12. There was no question 12 so I'll make one up myself: What's the longest you've ever spent working on one fic? And the shortest?
I've been working on SGB for almost 2 years now, that's the longest. The shortest would probably be just a couple hours.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Nope
14. What's your all-time favourite ship?
Impossible to pick a favorite
15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
SGB😭😭😭 (jk, I'll finish it no matter what, it's just gonna take a few more years probably)
On a serious note, I don't think I'm actually going to rewrite the Neverland AU I deleted, and I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to finishing the Jurrasic Park AU
16. What are your writing strengths?
Ermmmmmm I'm not sure, maybe dialogue? I think I've gotten much better at that than I used to be
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Adding last-minute details that aren't necessary and only serve to create openings for plot holes that I later have to fix somehow
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
Don't really have thoughts on this
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Haikyuu
20. Favourite fic you've written?
Tie between these two
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I'll tag: @astrowaffles @wewindondowntheroad @paintbrushyy @stormears @axreliono @redrocketpanda @maybe-a-dinosaur @sunflowersatori @themultifandomdisaster @chameliyun @kleiner-ghost @tsukikitsune-exe @novatix
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waterfallofspace · 10 months
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Does anyone else hate writing the beginning of fics??
Like I know where I want the story to go, sometimes I even know where I want it to start, but trying to figure out how to open it?? Introduce the scene??
I just feel this pressure that it needs to have a good hook (thanks school-essay writing for that one) that HAS to catch the attention RIGHT away.
Maybe this is just me but it's my least favourite part of writing ;-;
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cowardstiel · 10 months
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i think it should be mandatory that everyone watch The Social Dilemma at least once every six months
#dear everyone saying that tumblr doesn't have an algorithm: yes it does oh my GOD.#i see people say this so often irt twitter and reddit migration#just because tumblr has a different feed system to facebook/inta/twitter doesn't mean the only things you see are exactly what you want#free of influence or coercion#simplest example is tumblr suggesting users and tags for u to follow. what do you think is informing its suggestions?#how does it know which blogs are similar? it's not by fucking chance#please i know we all clown on what a mess this website is and how poorly it delivers ads but let's not forget that that's a choice they mak#if tumblr wanted to deliver ads in the way other social media sites do they could. but it's part of the image they've created for themselve#hence why they feel they can offer a paid subscription to remove ads that has an off switch so u can still see their weird crazy zany ads#because they know how much we love to clown on their shit ads. they know users will screenshot and share ads if they're weird enough#and they want you to. they're not so incompetent that they can't get us classy ads lol. this is their brand. let's not forget that!#anyway this is all triggered by me sending someone (hi bunni <3) a post of misha collin's sfx make up in gotham knights that popped up as a#recommended post despite me never having watched it or searched for it etc. what triggered that post appearing was me searching/tagging spn#a couple times recently. and of course misha collins and spn are frequently cross tagged. anyway since then i have been bombarded with that#godforsaken show constantly on my dash#sorry to gotham knights enjoyers i get the appeal and i am a dc simp but it's just not for me ig#if u read all this i love u im kissing you sloppystyle and or giving u a firm and warm handshake and or a friendly nod like we're walking#past each other on a beautiful day <3#my post
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thinking about how someone tried to insist to me that hellcheer was 'gross and pedophilic' because they had 'a huge age gap' and i thought it was the stupidest shit i'd ever heard so-
in true Extra Ass Bitch fashion i calculated roughly what the oldest/ youngest possible ages chrissy could be and the oldest/youngest possible ages eddie could be based on canon evidence (eddie's 2 failed years, chrissy's '86 necklace, etc.) and approximate school cut off dates
anyway, this is a rough approximation (not that it particularly matters because they're both still in the same age range/stage of life so a few years isn't rly much of an issue given their canon interactions) but if anyone was curious:
eddie should have been born in '65 or '66. backwards calculation places chrissy either late '67 or early '68. eddie failed his senior year twice and was supposed to have graduated in '84, he's on his third try. chrissy is head cheerleader and wears an '86 necklace, she's a senior in '86.
the youngest Chrissy could be is about [17yrs + 7 months] assuming a birthday around August of '68
the oldest Chrissy could be is about [18yrs + 6 months] assuming a birthday of around September of '67
the youngest Eddie could be is about [19yrs + 7 months] assuming a birthday around August of '66
the oldest Eddie could be is about [20yrs + 6 months] assuming a birthday in September of '65
even in the 'worst case scenario' where eddie is the oldest he could be and chrissy is the youngest she could be, eddie is 20 and chrissy almost 18
if you go with the opposite, with chrissy being as old as possible and eddie as young as possible, then eddie is almost 20 and chrissy is over 18
the other combinations average out to a 2 year age gap, which for the record, for high schoolers is still incredibly common. again, this is a stupid argument, but i can be spitefully pedantic sometimes and i enjoy having all the possible information i can before i talk shit
and i love to talk shit. so i went to go get the data myself
anyway grace van dien once said that she thinks chrissy is a pisces and i trust her so assuming that's true then chrissy was born sometime between mid february to mid march of '66, meaning chrissy would haven just turned 18 as s4 began, while eddie is still in the 19 to 20 range depending on when you place his birthday
but all of this seems ridiculous when you realize that based on what school year they're in during s4, chrissy was a sophomore the first time eddie was a senior. so like. everything else is just being pedantic for the sake of finding smth to be mad about
either way i rest my case this is a dumb argument to use against the ship, hellcheer haters get bent just say you don't ship it and go
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malikselfindulgence · 6 months
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how about 10?
10: how do you deal with art-block?
Redrawing old stuff! No thinking required and also seeing my improvement helps motivate me :33 besides that I also rlly like going through pinterest boards for outfits I had saved to draw my ocs in!!
I also have tabs on my fav books of scenes that made me want to draw or scenes that felt really colorful in my mind while reading, so if I'm feeling emotional I'll look through those as well!! THANK YOU FOR THE ASK AGXHXHFv
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malewifehenrycooldown · 3 months
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Playing around in Blazblue’s tutorial sections for each individual character but I am astonished at the fact they didn’t leave sample footage of character moves in said tutorial section. Idk man but to me that’s a BIG oversight.
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quickhacked · 2 years
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>> wip day
was tagged a long time ago by @adelaidedrubman, @turbo-virgins and @shellibisshe to share a wip and was tagged by @morvaris and @aartyom to share six sentences from a current wip, thank you so much!! i decided to combine them and rather than sharing a wip, i'll share some information about the broker, a new character i recently introduced into the story of my cyberpunk ocs :) tagging @reaperkiller, @arklay, @steelport, @cultistbase, @faarkas, @swordcoasts, @ladybeniko, @necro-hamster, @strafethesesinners, @henbased, @coffeebucko, @awful-roffle, @bluemojave and anyone else who wants to do this!
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A powerful fixer in Night City, operating from the shadows and only known by their alias. Cold and ruthless, focused entirely on wreaking havoc in the existing mercenary world by planting seeds of distrust and paranoia, to pit everyone up against each other. While their interference is still minimal, the long-term consequences can be felt in every corner of the city.
Once a powerful Arasaka asset, the Broker has access to a tight network of assassins- a few highly skilled killers who serve as their security network, all ex-Arasaka as well. Through connections they also have an entire division of Militech in their pocket, and the NCPD tends to turn them a blind eye.
The Broker is a horrible fixer, presenting themself as "one of the good guys" and luring mercs in with eddies and empty promises. With their charismatic nature, they're able to use the backstabbing and corruption in Night City's underworld as a tool to manipulate mercs into thinking no one can be trusted and the entire network has to be destroyed for good, and they themself are the only person in the whole city they can trust; this way, their mercs end up developing a strange dependency on them, meaning they'll do anything they tell them to do without giving it a second thought.
Though once the Broker has lured the mercs in, they stop paying them well and give them little support while they do all their dirty work, uncaring about what happens to them and whether or not they'll make it out alive. The mercs are mere tools to the Broker to achieve their long-term goals, and they even take pride in killing those who dare to disagree with them- turning them into an example for others.
Some time after Vincent has been cured and is no longer actively dying, one of Vitali's cargo trucks is intercepted by a group of his old mercenaries- all people who felt betrayed and abandoned by him after his departure from Night City with Vincent about six months ago, when they left for Arizona in hopes to find a cure. The attack leaves Lauren, Eddie and Mikhail gravely injured and it can be traced back to the Broker; while it is still unclear what their deal with Vitali is, they now seem to be targeting him and his entire fixer network specifically.
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ace-with--a-mace · 1 year
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i definitely think quarantine stunted everyone under the age of like 25's growth and its detrimental to society today
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vvanessaives · 2 years
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i was tagged by @uldwynsovs to make drinks that represent my ocs in this picrew, thank you so much beloved <3
i’m obsessed with the idea and i love making pretty drinks BUT i’m not that knowledgeable on them tbh (i only drink, zero idea of what tho) so i just came up with drinks that represent visually my ocs + i guess i’ll spend a few words on the choices under read more!!
tagging: @nuclearstorms, @swordcoasts, @camelliagwerm, @reaperkiller, @arklay, @montliyets, @faarkas, @steelport and whoever else wants to do it, just go ahead and say i tagged you!!
VESPER — this so clearly represents her for the color combo alone, purple/violet is her trademark at this point. lots of ice because she likes to munch on it after she finishes drinking and the red fruits because she loves them. she drinks...i can’t say moderately nor too much but just know that in the right company she can really go off. usually the easy pick is beer (since it’s also cheaper) but if she can pick something more elaborate then she either prefers those simple looking cocktails that give off a fancy vibe like martini (french martini for the raspberry) or just very strong concoctions that make her throat burn. really loves vodka.
FENIX — this one is funny. he makes me think of summer, he’s italian: have some oranges. the straw is heart shaped because it makes me laugh and he would for sure drink from one shaped like that. the color is a deep red because he actually likes drinking really strong and bitter drinks and deep colors remind me of the italian amaro, which is also one of his fave things to drink. not a meal is finished without a shot of amaro, amaro del capo (-20°C temperature of course). he’s the kind of man that drinks negroni or good old whiskey.
AKIRA — another one that gives vibes based on the colors: the blue of their hair and the red of their eyes. it’s simple, stern, austere. just like akira. they aren’t the biggest drinker either, a social drinker i would say but they aren’t the most social person in the world...business drinker? the drink of choice is either sake or the yamazaki whisky.
MOIRA — she is fun, lively, love fruity drinks, IS fruity and likes the color red. what else can i say? all of this made that drink appear in the picrew. she’s a lightweight but she refuses to admit it, she will drink and get drunk and the gang will make fun of her. she likes fruity drinks as i said and sweet ones so piña colada or sangria.
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miengsol · 1 year
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because alex @theimpalpable​ just popped up on my dash:
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Calum: *plucks cigarette out of Sigye’s fingers* “dOn’t yOu knOw sMoKinG iS bAd for YoU?!” 😤😤😤
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englishflagcumrag · 1 year
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this is kalevi he's a cunty middle aged man who likes horror films
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drzone · 1 year
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That previous reblog, actually something I think about a LOT, LOL. Everyday I’m sad fnv didnt get more development time because i think I could really love it… and while I consider it the best fallout game, its not my favorite. fo4 takes the cake there its just too much fun to play, regardless of the story… i SOOOOO desperately want to enjoy fnv more but the gameplay makes it REALLY hard for me. as a stupid bad gamer. dont come at me with “skill issue” i KNOW!!!! its a phenomenal game with awesome art direction and storytelling and characters. but the tiny amount of time they had to develop it Does show. You and i both know that.
fo1/2 are a close third place because i think theyre really strong basis :] and i love the art direction in them. Praying bethesda will one day stop making us be vault dwellers though. It could be so much more interesting. this is fo4 lovemail… ily fo4.
edit bc i should mention this YES they should put back the story-based gameplay elements that were in previous games. the karma system most notably. when i say better gameplay here i refer to Action gameplay and not Story gameplay. But they SHOULD bring back the story gameplay elements bc they rule and i miss them.
rant in tags dont argue abt it with me if you come across this by searching fo game names this is for my own BLAG!!!
TLDR; i like all the fallout main games. Dont hate on my girl 4 so much… I know shes the poster child of bethesda mainstreaming the games. its not her fault… its still SO much fun to play.
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alchemiclee · 16 days
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as a fellow introvert; we are social creatures. introverts who purposefully see no one for months on end are usually just in a cycle where its been so long since they’ve hung out that it’s too intimidating for them to do anymore. i 100% feel tired after hanging out with my friends but i DO also feel happy and refreshed! tl;dr - you’re super normal lol. try to reach out to a couple people just to chat this week <3
thanks for reaching out I really appreciate it❤️ but I have to rant a bit. I allow you to ignore it!
I wish to not be a social creature because going too long without having a friend to talk to or not having someone to talk with almost daily feels bad and it's so hard to have a friend when I need one D:
i've been reaching out to people for the last few weeks or so but they don't reach back. try playing games with people but they play with their other friends or dont feel like playing. invite people to hang out but they say maybe and never give an answer or don't respond.
I don't want to bother my closest friends in our group chat too much in our group chat but the chat is mostly me sending messages with no response and even couple times saying I need a friend when I was having bad days but they didn't want to chat and I dont want to force anyone to entertain my lonely depressed ass. (especially when all I really needed was to talk about the new star rail stuff to distract me but I don't think they've finished it yet so I don't want to spoil) they live together so they always have to socialize and probably make each other tired without needing to add me to it.
so i've also been trying to reach out to new people, like joining twitch chats again for the first time in years. but that never goes well and doesn't satisfy my social needs. too many people talking at once and being the new person no one cares about and all....getting to know a new is very exhausting. but it's so hard to just be able to skip all that getting to know each other stuff jump straight into talking about a thing we both like (in this case it's star rail and cosplay and maybe art) I don't have enough already-known people to reach out to and i'm too tired to do the small talk dance until it's appropriate to jump into special interest territory. being autistic is so exhausting. I with to be one of those rare autistics I sometimes hear about that have 0 interest in social interaction at all
so as you can see, i'm trying. so hard. to the point I'm exhausting myself. it's been too much work for no payoff and makes things feel worse when the outcome isn't what I need and its constant reaching with no one grabbing my hand back. so I keep making annoying tumblr posts about it. i'm so sorry to anyone that reads my nonsense 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 this is a normal thing with me but it's usually kept to my other blog that's reserved for more serious posts like this but I tried posting here as a way to "reach out" and see if it invites any friendly friends or something but I don't think i'm doing it right...
(but I am going to a con tomorrow with someone I haven't talked to in like 2 years. but we don't have anything in common anymore so theres not much to talk about. he's the only person who responded to me after trying to reach out for like a month but I fear it will only exhaust me being around too many people and not help this gross need to have a deeper connecting socialization D:)
#i dont know how to ask for attention without asking for attention because attention seeking is bad and annoying#the more needy and annoying you come off the more people will ignore you. saying i need someone to talk to or hang out with gets me ignored#but being vague gets me also ignored???? like just trying to start a convo by throwing things out randomly doesnt work either#so if i cant be direct or indirect or invite people or ask to be invited or anything else ive tried ehst do i do?#how do i satisfy this stupid social need im cursed with? it takes me a month or 3 to recover from socializing so its not like i always ask#but its still too much. and “you need to find the right people” isnt helpful. because how!!! ive been looking for that for 30 years lmao#i just need someone to invite me and always invite me every time and always reach out first every time (well not every time. just dont make#me be the one every time because thats how it usually seems to go)#but no one wants to do the work and tell me when its ok to bother them. if i bother someone too many times in a row and get no response#then i will stop and wait. and wait. and wait. and give up eventually. or after certain amount of rejections i give up.#so that i dont come off as needy and attention seeking and obnoxious. if people want me they can come to me. and when no one does#that just feels bad. i hate that it feels bad. i wish to make that stop. i wish to turn off feelings.#i cannot figure out the line between bothering someone too much or just enough. how much am i required to push people#and how much is too much where i snap the line while trying to reel them in? because ive snapped more times than ive caught#or the bait just gets completely ignored and i get bored of waiting#oops im slipping into metaphor territory now. that means its time to stop saying words.#hopefully no one reads my annoying tags. i just needed a free space to ramble and vent amd tags are lile little whispers to do that in#but also it is autism acceptance month. people should be adopting a local autistic(me) person to show them what having friends is like#lee rants#im being super particular about how i need to socialize right now as well. dont want trauma bonding/life talks/depression sharing type stuff#only want special interest light hearted goofy fun talks. but those are so hard to do. its easy for people to default into doom conversation#but its hard to keep them on my topic of interest and to stay positive 😭
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prettycottagequeer · 1 month
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ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)
SO these I should start on asap:
50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make
100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week
150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)
200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)
these can wait longer:
300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect
500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)
1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks
2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.
Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese
here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)
How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks
I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.
that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.
the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.
On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started
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