I have a second date with the bird I went rock climbing with. She's going to meet Whim this time which usually guarantees that things will go well (Whim is very charismatic and laypeople are usually impressed by her).

But this gal is working on her CPDT-KA so now I'm like. Oh no. Someone who actually knows how dogs work is going to See My Flaws.

Submitting to the mortifying ordeal of being known because I want the rewards of kissing a pretty woman 😔

historical context pt 2: on yi bang won’s brothers (and sisters), seon-ho and his father, women’s rights in joseon vs goryeo

a bit more focus on yi bang won’s family this time, since he’s always fascinated me as a real historical figure. he did a lot of good, but he committed a lot of terrible things in order to achieve the good and he’s always been a pretty polarizing figure to Korean historians. (the majority of them like him because he’s the father of Kim Sejong aka the King who invented the Hangul/Korean alphabet while the others are like ‘damn why this dude so murderous’)

yi seong-gye had six sons from his first wife and two sons from his second wife, but why are only like three of them mentioned in the drama?

- mostly because they don’t have any major relevance to the plot, tbh. yi bang won IS arguably yi seong-gye’s most talented/qualified son in a lot of ways. he really was the only son who passed the civil examination in that entire family.

Eldest Son Yi Bang-U

- yi seong-gye mentions him in the drama when discussing who should be named crown prince and dismisses him bc he’s an alcoholic. which was true, yi bang-won’s oldest brother WAS an alcoholic, but he only became so after Yi Seong-Gye seized the throne. he was so distraught by the rebellion that he literally retreated to the mountains and retired. imagine serving your dad and your country and then seeing him betray the very country you both spilled blood for your whole life?? he was granted a princely title, but otherwise stayed away from politics and the military until his death

Second Son Yi Bang-Gwa

- this is the dude who is currently king that appears in episode 14. the one who’s in the throne room while bang-won and bang-gan yell at each other lol.  basically he was just put on the throne bc he’s the second son (and the eldest was like don’t even contact me about this shit) and later in history he renounces the throne so yi bang-won can take it. he also had NO legitimate sons from his first wife (though he had many from his concubines, but they were all illegitimate and couldn’t become princes). meaning he was the safest choice to be bang-won’s puppet ruler. all in all he was supremely lucky in that he got to live in peace and avoid getting murdered by anyone

Third Son Yi Bang-Ui

- while he was on yi bang-won’s side during the first coup, he’s never mentioned in dramas/television because apparently he’s not all that interesting. he’s been described as someone who had a loving relationship with ALL of his brothers, which imo COULD have been interesting to see but what do i know

Fourth Son Yi Bang-Gan aka the One That’s Weirdly Comedic and Also Murderous and Has Like that Weird Sword Boner For Hwi

- bang-gan did in fact try to murder bang-won and seize the throne, but he was urged on to do so by a historical figure called park po who was bitter that all his efforts during the first coup were not recognized by bang-won. the most hilarious thing is that bang-gan is like “damn this is a great idea, im gonna do it” and sets an official date for murdering, and NEVER TELLS park po the day he’s gonna murder bang-won so park po is just hanging around in ignorance until bang-won arrests him and then has him executed

- bang-gan actually tells his father yi seong-gye and his second bother yi bang-gwa of his intentions and they BOTH tell him that he’s stupid as fck. at this point, the historical yi seong-gye is SICK of the fighting between his sons and tells bang-gan to stop (unlike in the drama when he purposefully eggs him on). 

- bang-gan obvs doesn’t stop though, but his attempts are foiled bc bang-won knew of his coup beforehand. bang-gan is not executed and is instead sent away in exile. the fault of the coup instead lands on park po who again has no idea what’s occurring until he’s arrested. (damn it would suck to be park po, though inb4 seon-ho becomes the park po of this sageuk)

The Ill-fated Crown Prince Yi Bang-Seok and his brother Yi Bang-Beon

- in history, Yi Bang-Won forces his father to remove Bang-seok from the crown prince position during the coup, which Yi Seong-Gye IMMEDIATELY does in order to save bang-seok’s life (bang-seok is still alive at this point in time). unfortunately, bang-won then murders bang-seok anyway. (fulfilling the queen’s prediction that no matter what he would have murdered her sons)

- there are two versions of the crown prince’s death: the first is what we saw in ep 12 when he was assassinated right after stepping out in the palace. (this is the official record. his final recorded words are “my brother promised to spare my life, do not worry.”). there’s another version that yi bang-won went into the palace and threw his brother into a well to kill him. which is... not recorded, but yi bang-won’s side framed everything in the records to make him and his people look good. (because they were the winners!!! winners in history get to frame themselves however they want)

- so what about yi bang-beon? aka the queen’s other son that never gets mentioned? he gets murdered too of course!!! though bang-won is content with just exiling him, his brother bang-gan murders bang-beon (of course in the show, we see bang-won approving of the assassination). (Bang-beon also suffers from the unfortunate position of having a.) envied his younger brother for being crown prince and therefore did NOT alert him or his father about the upcoming coup and b.) trying to maintain a neutral position that ultimately got him killed

- btw, yi seong-gye was absolutely in the palace during the Strife. He never left to go to a Temple. he was dragged from his throne and forced to abdicate during the coup after stripping Bang-seok of his position as Crown Prince in order to save him.

The Sixth Brother

 - died at a relatively early age, sadly.

Sisters?!

- yes, Yi Seong-Gye had daughters!!! Two from his first wife and one from his second and two more from his concubines (yah he had concubines). sadly, nothing else is known about them. Queen Sindeok’s daughter aka Bang-seok and Bang-beon’s younger sister outlived both of her older brothers, and died maybe nine years later. (somewhat comforting, but ultimately sad.)

- Bang-won’s sisters lived a little longer, but ultimately they had little historical relevance (or they did and the records refused to record them bc they were just Women). mostly, they were just married off to build political alliances

more on seon-ho

- there’s a scene in ep 5 where bang-won makes fun of seon-ho’s bastard status and compares him to Sambong and i just want to say that imo this is very realistic of bang-won. Sambong is an incredibly important and vital figure in history -- he served as yi seong-gye’s aide and was actually the mastermind behind ALL of yi bang-won’s social/political reforms. unfortunately, yi bang-won murdered him because.... uh.... he wanted to carry out those reforms HIMSELF, essentially. (no one else gets to do it but ME!!) he disliked sambong strongly, and there were rumors that sambong was descended from bastards/had slave blood in his family, so Bang-won sneering at Seon-ho for essentially having the same background would be legit. the line where he mentions that “in his country, bastards will never gain status” is so sad... and also true, even though he introduced the new Slave Law (that law was immediately repealed later)

- in other words, illegitimate children from nobleman + slaves were still eventually barred from taking the government exam and owning property in joseon. seon-ho’s fate would have more or less remained the same.

Seon-ho’s father Nam Jeon

- is a fictional figure, but his status as Yi Seong-Gye’s aide in the show cooouullld place him as the stand-in for the actual Nam Eun who was one of Yi Seong-Gye’s trusted aides and who was also killed by Yi Bang-Won

- the difference here is that Yi Bang-Won regrets murdering Nam Eun after and gives government positions to Nam Eun’s friends as like a way of apology lmfao

women’s rights in goryeo vs joseon

- just wanted to talk about this because hee-jae is such a kickass figure, but the long and short of it is that women lose all the rights (what little they had) in joseon vs in goryeo. they’re forbidden to step outside their homes after marriage, are NOT allowed to mingle with the other sex, they lose their rights as land-owners and property-inheritors, and Confucianism gains a huge foothold in a country that already treats women as second-class citizens. they weren’t allowed to re-marry if widowed, and were encouraged to kill themselves if they were assaulted or harassed so like....... life continues to suck for bastard children and ladies

fun fact for that (1) Legitimate Child that Yi Bang-Won Allowed to Live

- in my last post I mentioned that Yi Bang-Won killed the children of the “traitors” who conspired to prevent his coup except for Sambong’s eldest son, who was demoted (name: Jung Jin). Fortunately, this son managed to rise through the ranks of the government again and became the Minister of Justice under Yi Bang-Won’s reign. 

the first taste of love (oh bittersweet) ; malex

i posted this on ao3, but i am nothing if not predictable so i’m posting a tumblr version too! 

basically uhh i wrote a roswell new mexico fic, oh no. im very nervous and very anxious bc there’s so many good writers in the fandom and i am. me. but like, i saw that post, with the still from the episode tonight and my brain went okay sure here’s this. 

its definitely AU because yknow. obviously what i think could happen isn’t whats gonna happen but sdlkfj. ANYWAY. title comes from strawberry wine by deana carter bc tbh michael guerin definitely listens to country music’s greatest women artists 

also yes i know the whole alien thing isnt like anyone but said aliens thing to tell maria but yknow. guilt. being in on something someone else isnt in on. blah blah

=========

He doesn't know how long they’ve been sitting there, just talking, but Alex isn't going to complain, not when it's the first time in ten years that they've been able to have this.

And it's comfortable and nice and Michael's leg is warm where it's pressed against his, his posture open and welcoming and Alex can't help but lean into it, watching, as if hanging onto every word—and he is, hanging onto everything Michael's saying, unsure of when they'll get this chance again, with everything going on.

He's so caught up in everything, in how right all of this feels that he doesn't realize Michael's stopped talking, that he's staring at him with this horribly vulnerable look on his face, something morphing into determination and then, then —

Michael's lips are soft against his, soft and dry and chapped at the corners where Michael constantly darts his tongue out against the skin when he's nervous or annoyed and Alex’s breath catches, his eyes open wide and Michael just pushes forward, firmer, hand coming up to cup the side of Alex’s jaw.

He inhales, sharp through his nose and then, then he relaxes, his hand gripping the center of Michael's button up shirt, holding on tight as the kiss deepens, as Michael presses into his side, other hand warm against his thigh, warm through his jeans.

A noise leaves Alex’s throat, something soft and pained and desperate all wrapped together as he kisses back, gives as good as he can, feeling something warm and heavy in his chest at the needy sound Michael makes.

At once, it all comes rushing back and Alex pulls away, jerks out of Michael’s reach, panting and flushed and wishing for once he could be selfish.

“Guerin, we can't do this,” he says, wishing his voice didn't waver as obvious as it did, wishing to be anywhere but here right now. “ I can't do this to Maria. She doesn't deserve this.”

Michael's face does something weird then, a look crosses it—half pained, half ashamed, and he pulls his cowboy hat off, runs his fingers through his hair, Alex’s eyes tracking where his fingers get caught up in the curls. “Yeah well, no worries. She's not really in the picture right now.”

Alex frowns, feels something protective bubble up in his chest, “Just because she's not here—”

“ No , Alex,” Michael says, cutting him off. “She and I didn't last. Y’know. We're on an indefinite break.”

“So what happened to Maria being something easy ,” Alex can't help but ask, the words twisted with grief and pain, “If you two can't last, is there even any hope—” for us , he doesn't finish, but Michael goes rigid beside him and once again Alex is hit with the stupid realization that he's reactive , that he doesn't think before he speaks.

Michael stands up, putting distance between the two of them, hat held tightly in his left hand as he paces in front of Alex. “Look, I fucked up, okay? I fucked up big time, I just. Didn't tell her about the big green alien thing and then she found Rosa and well, now she knows.” His voice is quick, not quite panicky but not all calm either, “She’s pissed at me, at Liz, probably at you too for keeping her in the dark the whole time. And well, lying is sort of a relationship deal breaker in the grand scheme of things.”

Part of him hurts for Michael, for Maria, bit the quiet vindictive part of him just whispers if I can't be happy neither can he , but he pushes that away, quietly berates himself for even thinking that and inhales deeply. “Give it time,” he says instead. “Maria might come around. I. We still haven't quite talked since everything but I can put in a good word for you. Bring up dear old dad’s plot to destroy all aliens, you included, help you save face.”

And even as he offers to help Michael fix his and Maria’s relationship, he feels tired all of a sudden, feels like he should be selfish in this situation but, but—

“No, no,” Michael says, shaking his head hard enough to make his curls bounce. “She's made it very clear she can't trust me or Liz right now. That we're on her shitlist and it's looking like we might not get off of it anytime soon.” He breathes in deep, steels himself, “And I’m coming to realize that kissing you was a mistake,” he continues, “Just. You don't deserve that from me, I’d be doing the same chicken shitted shit I said you were doing to me.”

Alex watches as he deflates a little, his shoulders go limp, and he stands too, taking a step closer, “Look, Guerin,” he pauses, “ Michael ,” he corrects, “I get it, okay? You just started something with Maria, now you're not together and it hurts , and the physical thing between us? It's always been easy. Something to fall back on when words or whatever hasn't been enough.” He rubs his hands on his jeans before crossing his arms against his chest, posture going stiff, “I said some things I shouldn't have and this is not like me stringing you on all those years.” He swallows, “You're hurting, and I get that. Sometimes, it's easier to mask the hurt with something physical than try to parse through it mentally”

Michael looks up at him, raw and open, incredulous, “You really are a self-sacrificing piece of shit, aren't you?” He asks, something akin to wonder in his voice.

The deprecating laugh escapes before he can stop it, “Who told you that?”

Michael snorts, rubbing his right hand across his face in annoyance, “Liz briefly mentioned it when she said you'd reenlisted, said you didn't know when to quit. That you'd rather see those around you thrive even if it meant you had to suffer.” He presses his lips together, “That's why you just left after that night, wasn't it? In the shed. If you didn't leave, what, your dad would have come after me again? Hassling a teenage boy for sleeping with his son?”

Alex swallows, feels dread creeping up along with the urge to leave, but he tilts his chin up, stares across at Michael, “I did it to keep you safe.” He says, voice more steady that he expected. “And as much as it hurt, I'd do it again, if it meant he'd never lay another hand on you.”

A sour, pinched look flits across his face, “And what, you'd rather be in his shadow than have your own happiness?”

Alex squeezes his arms tighter against his chest, “I don't like seeing the people I care about hurt,” he says, and he suddenly feels vulnerable again, like a teenager, “I knew if I'd enlisted he’d leave you alone. If I distanced myself from you, he wouldn't have a reason to go after you. And after Caufield, I’m glad I did, all those years ago.” He breathes in shakily, “And yeah, I know, it's selfish, I should have asked you. I should have talked to you before making those sorts of decisions for you because it hurts , it's what makes our relationship hard and painful for you. I know .”

He goes quiet for a few moments, then, “After the way he ran my mother off, after doing that, I couldn't let him destroy you too, Michael. That's absolutely no excuse for anything I did, because I did fuck up, I fucked you up, I fucked us up, everything. But god ,I’d rather have fucked any chance of us up than lose you permanently.”

Alex rubs his arm across his face, feeling his eyes well with tears, “So yeah, I’m a self-sacrificing piece of shit but if it keeps people alive then I’ll continue to do it.”

Michael stands there, across from him and Alex feels a pull of something, sees the way Michael straightens his shoulders, makes himself look taller, and then he's closing the space between them, arms wrapping around Alex’s shoulders.

“You are a goddamn piece of work, Manes,” Michael says, voice half muffled by his shirt. “When I said loving you was hard, I didn't mean for you to fucking lie to your dad about cutting me out of your life. I didn't mean that we couldn't still be friends , that you had to sell yourself back to the air force.” he says the words so fiercely that Alex believes them.

“I want you and Maria to be happy, I want you to be happy, and that makes me selfish. There's part of me that wants to convince you to be with me, but the other part of me wants you and Maria to have a chance because. If she makes you happy? Then I want that for you.” Alex says, voice shaky as his hands rest on Michael's sides, gripping his shirt. “As much as I want to just kiss you and forget about all of this, I know we can't. We can't do that. If you want to be with Maria. If you want a chance at happiness.”

Michael squeezes him tighter, and then he's pressing their foreheads together, “But what do you want?”

Alex blinks at Michael, eyes wet and red rimmed, “I want you to be safe. That's why I enlisted again, so I can take down whatever this is my dad's planning. I can't do it from the outside. I have to be inside.”

Michael makes an unhappy noise, “Stop. Think about yourself for once. You said you wanted to convince me to be with you? So do it, Manes. Show me you're even worth my time. Show me that what we had in highschool wasn't just a fling for you.” He challenges, “I know you want what's best for me, but maybe. Hell maybe I don't know what's best for me yet. Maybe I still want you. Maybe I still want an us .”

“I don't want to force you,” Alex says, fierce, “I recognize I fucked up and I know you were with Maria because you like her and it doesn't hurt to be with her. I'm not going to ruin what little chance you have left.”

“We both fucked up, Alex,” Michael says, “We both did, and it's unfair that I blamed it all on you. We were teenagers who didn't know shit about each other except that we had feelings.” He looks into Alex's eyes, “I’d like to think that we're adults now and we can handle this more. Maturely. We can sit down, figure out shit out. And hell, maybe in the future we'll be at a place where we can be us again.” He slowly withdraws from the hug, dragging his thumb gently down Alex’s cheek, aching inside at the way Alex closes his eyes and leans into it. “Right now, we need to focus. We need to talk about all this. We need to shut your dad’s operation down. Somehow help Max and Rosa and Maria.”

When he pulls his thumb away from Alex's face, Alex opens his eyes slowly, staring at him with a sad sort of look on his face, “And if you and Maria somehow fix the mess between you, I don't want you to give up on that for me. Okay?”

Michael sighs noisily out of his nose, “I really need you to stop thinking about me and other people and please act selfish this once .” He says, “This isn't about Maria and me, this is about you and me, and the two of us reconciling , because I had a fucking good time today before I forgot to tamp down the unbridled lust I feel for you, and I want more of that. If we can be friends first, I’d just. I'd really like that.”

Alex inhales softly, nods somewhat tentatively, fighting back the urge to argue with Michael, stamps down on the voice telling him that they can never be friends because Alex feels too big for him. “Okay. Okay. You're right Guerin. I need this. We need this.”

“Just two guys talking about the past trauma they've inflicted on each other and the imminent doom of one's dad on an entire alien race,” Michael says, “Seems simple enough.”

And then, Alex pulls himself together, takes a few relaxing breaths, “We've also got to somehow bring Max back to life,” he adds dryly.

“Nope. No way, that's all on Liz. I'm an engineer not a biologist.” Michael says, finally placing his hat on his head again. “I’ll help where I can but she's taking point on that.”

Alex snorts quietly, and the tension eases out of the air, as he sits back down on the log, Michael joining him again, leaning back to stare up at the sky, their thighs pressed together.

“We're gonna figure this out, Alex,” Michael says into the evening sky, and though Alex is unsure of what exactly this is, he believes him.

Don't worry about the timing, have fun at the event! Here are my recs: first off, FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: BROTHERHOOD (predictable, I know)! It is a masterpiece that explores the adventures of two brothers, Ed and Al, on their quest to find a "Philosopher's stone", a mythical item that allows the possessor to ignore the First Law of Alchemy: "in order to obtain something, something of equal value must be given". The world is a wonderful mix of semi-advanced technology and "magic" (aka alchemy), and

gonna put this under a read more bc there are,,, 7 asks in total lmao! pls do read the end recap if you wanna see my plans on the next animes ill watch :)

pls do send in more recs yall! i love talking about anime lmaooo

it explores very real themes like imperialism, war, abandonment, relationships (romantic and non) and a bunch of other stuff, on top of being COOL AF and having an amazing, AMAZING cast of characters. The one detractor I’d point to is there are no canonically-lgbt characters except for maybe a minor character that’s a bit stereotypical, which sucks. But in terms of diversity it has super cool asian and black characters, strong women and even several disabled characters (including the protag!) I

personally may be a bit partial to this anime, but I love it and I think most people who watch it do, so I give it 5 stars. Second recommendation: Steins; Gate. Oh boy, I didn’t think I was gonna love this as much as I did. I will admit it’s a little bit more niche in terms of reception (my girlfriend, who shares my tastes in many things, sadly didn’t like it much), but I still recommend it. The show is about a wannabe scientist that discovers a way to send messages to people in the past, thus

altering the present he lives in. The circumstances evolve like crazy from there, with things such as evil organizations, an unidentifiable mastermind, time paradoxes, and other things burst into the lives of the main characters like me when I burst into the fridge at 2am. The show DOESN’T explain everything that you see immediately, so there are MANY moments where you will go “wait, what just happened??” but don’t worry, it’s because you are accompanying the protag as he unravels the mysteries

incredibly inspirational and downright desperation-inducing. (Also there’s like one scene where we are treated to two of the girls in underwear and I rolled my eyes so hard because for me it’s like one of the few stains on an otherwise excellent anime). So long story short, even though I know this anime is less likely to be loved by its viewer, just statistically speaking, I still like it so much I’ll give it a 5. Nichijō (or Nichijou): ok so here’s something a little different. This anime is

a slice-of-life anime about 3 girls, but I’m recommending it, as someone that usually isn’t that interested in this genre, because it’s downright hilarious and impressive at the same time. I’m 99.999% sure you’ve seen a bunch of gifs, clips and reaction pics from this anime because of how incredibly stupid but also awe-inspiring its visuals are. Google “nichijou mio loses it”, watch the first video, and if that doesn’t convince you to watch this masterpiece, honestly I don’t know what will. I

gotta give this 5 stars too, I’m sorry but that’s just how it is! I think I’ll stop for now, both because I don’t wanna flood your inbox too much and also because I can think of other anime but I would prioritize these suggestions. If I can think of anything else that comes close (in my mind, at least) to rivaling these, I’ll let you know! Thanks for listening and sorry for the gazillion messages! ♥♥♥

jesus that is… more than three. its alright tho!! it was fun coming back to 7 new asks lmao.

i have (obviously) heard great things about fmab from you and a couple of my friends and tbh i think im legally obligated to watch it and tell yall about it uwu

ive heard kinda iffy things about steins; gate. ik you said it had some niche reception, so mab ill like it? i think ill try a couple episodes and if i like it ill continue, if not yall just gotta deal with it lol

i HAVE watched a couple episodes of nichijou and i adore it! i, admittedly, do love slice of life so its rly fun for me,, and like you said, its not as slice of life-y as most of em. ill definitely continue, i might start over to remember whats happened up to the point i stopped!!

tysm for taking the time to write out these asks for me anon ily 😭😭😭 i was waiting for a couple hours after i got home and saw these to answer this whole thing bc i was emotionally tired, so im sorry for the late response!!

so to recap i think ill start either fmab or steins; gate in the next few days while also continuing soul eater? which one do you think i should watch first?

Episode 4 - "We get to form the narrative" - Patrick

I lost my two closest allies I am pissed. Vilma come home (Ginger too I guess). I do NOT trust Clash and Allan those people will backstab at moment's notice I am FUCKED

----------

So tribe split is 3-2-2. Logically if the 2 other tribes will work together and uh take us out. And uhh I have def been the biggest impression person. And uhh merge is decently soon so maybe they use that as a reason. My predictions have been correct so far but how about not this time? :) 

----------

Goal is to beat Vilma in the scavenger hunt

----------

hosts' mean making me doubt my life 

---------

I really want to make merge so I'll actually get my game on I guess. I'll throw Allan and Clash under the bus if I must. I'll do my best to befriend these people as part of my game because all other friendships are fake as we know. So far I'm trying to get with the aussie gang. Yanks will burn 

----------

I am slightly less mad about the swap now. But it's for personal reasons. Here are the power rankings of my new tribemates: - SluggyG - Stephen - Pat - Randy. Randy and I don't seem to click sadly.

Just like our tribe predicted there was a tribe swap and i ended up being in a tribe of 7 with 2 people from my previous tribe - Stephen and me. Having Stephen here is honestly great because although we didn't look like we were a pair in the old ala mai, we actually were and made a solid 2 man alliance before tribal council. I also told him about how Jacob and Michael were playing in the middle to gain some trust and so I believe we're tight. Every step from here on out is crucial to our game. We need to take out faatasi, there's two ala mai and two salaotoga (however u spell it), we just need to make sure we are together as a 4. 

I hate swaps, when zwooper did its first 40 person swap survival game, my social and strategic game at the first stage was perfect. I was aligned with everyone. Once the swap came all of my allies disappeared to the other tribe and I flopped BADLY ! 

FINALLY WAS PUT ON A TRIBE WITH VILMA! I HAVE BEEN BLESSED BY THE SURVIVOR GODS! hehe. anyway. for real though, love this new tribe. my analysis of each person: liana: of all my old tribe mates, I wanted to be with her the least. but it's fine I guess. she's nice, I'm just not close with her. if the tribe wants to vote her out I'd do it. vilma: amazing active queen goddess mOM she told me she's heard good things about me and was saying in her host chat that she wanted to be on a tribe with me this whole time and GIRL me too!!!!!!!! I want her to be my closest ally I adore her. she's also a great challenge help! I truly don't think we'll lose this scavenger hunt because we have some hard workers on our tribe like her ginger: very sweet!! I love her. I think we'll align. she mentioned how she liked how many girls were on this tribe and to that I say hell yeah - we love some girl power! she's somewhat of a weird texture but like a lot of emotion gets lost when typing? lots of people sound bland to me? but she's cute and been talking to me a lot today! I appreciate her tyler: I'm like low key scared of him for some reason I remember watching him in a game a while while back and he was like so mean?? so I'm hoping he's not mean anymore? or if he is mean that he isn't mean to ME like pls like me? but also he kinda gives off a I am scared of women and only like men vibe......... uh idk? jacob: okay I love him he's so sweet! interesting that he got the 1 vote from the ala mai tribal - kind of shows he's more or less in the bottom of the ala mai bunch so maybe I can infiltrate that and make him a good ally for me going forward! he said tribal was hard because everyone was pretty active and got along. so it seems he thinks the tribe is all big and happy - maybe he's not in any alliances? who knows michael: barely talked to him tbh. but idk how much I really like him? seemed really good in the w4 c9 challenge so ???? maybe he'll be good challenge help and someone to look out for at merge. I also feel like he and tyler would be good allies together. so yeah. that's just a hunch based off of their personalities overall: I have hope that my tribe won't flop and HOPEFULLY we will win these upcoming challenges!! and I'm going to pull my mother fucking weight so they know I'm good in challenges and that they should keep me if they don't want to go to tribal! I really really really do not think randy will do anything in the scavenger hunt LMAO like no tea no shade I don't think I remember him doing anything in mongolia and he's in four fucking games. also never goes out of his house. so it's like we're a tribe of seven vs a tribe of six? lmao let's hope!! 

God I am really not photogenetic, really don't like how I come off in videos but oh well what can you do. I used to struggle with my looks but honestly I really like how I look nowadays. Issue now is manerisms :/ Slowly but surely. Hope you enjoyed this deep dive into the psyche of Veni 

----------

I am going out with friends today to go all over town in search of hopefully doing really well in the scavenger hunt. I can do almost everything, the ones that are doubtful are all the DVDs, the book, the airplane and the sandcastle. I might build a sandcastle. I wanna build a sandcastle. 

----------

Man I really miss Vilma the more days pass. Some people are just a drag to talk to and now I can't share my determination for the challenge with anyone. It is disheartening 

Tribe Swap: Well It was bound to happen, at least I got swapped into a tribe with possibly my 2 closest allies in Tyler and Jacob. Vilma is also on this tribe, I'm thinking we might be able to use her as a target due to how strong she is in challenges and that we wouldn't want to take her to merge. I have spent some time cultivating new relations with Emily and Vilma, Chatted a little with Ginger and now trying to chat with Liana. Need to find out where votes are going. Immunity Challenge: Why are the big challenges like this when Im at work for most of the time. I can get most of these selfies and videos, unfortunately I wont be able to get to a Zoo, Beach or Airport for some of these points :( Flags apparently don't exist in South Australia either... WTF?!?! A bit concerned with amount of black spaces in out hunt, hopefully during the night it will pick up again. Time zones are making it difficult to chat with people, but I will continue to try :D 

So you would be thinking that with a tribe swap you'd have a breath of fresh air meeting new people and having challenges in a new environment, it's actually quite the opposite. In this challenge so far only 3 out of 7 people have pulled their weight which is why we're likely to head to tribal sooner than we think. Having NA people on your tribe is so different because I'm 12 hours ahead of them, I sleep when they wake up, they sleep when I wake up. 

----------

I must move forward with some sort of plan even though I'm trying to take it round at a time, Stephen and I aren't going anywhere. Originally I wanted Veni gone seeing he's a threat and could go back to OG Faatasi at the merge. But after thinking about it, he's a THREAT. He's the meat shield that I need to get further in this game - if I work with him, even at the merge, the target will be on him and all the heat will be of me (unless he wins immunity). EITHER WAY (dnnyys says that a lot) there are more pros keeping Veni around till merge - doing well in challenges, having someone to talk to, plus veni is also part of the old community Michael, Jacob and I are in so if we all make it to merge something may happen? That's a maybe but the idea is keep Veni and gain his trust and his loyalty. He seems fine taking out anyone who isn't contributing so we'll just do that for the timebeing.

I am really sweating right now hopefully my tribemates actually post points. If not hopefully they don't vote me out as a challenge threat and keep me around. 

----------

Pat is rising in my power rankigs. Seems like a really chill dude with a heart for trying stuff. 

----------

Allan and Clash are being kinda bad at talking to me. I want to stick with them but bleh. I don't know.. 

----------

Pat is my #1 in the power rankings

----------

Well I can't blame anyone specifically. And I got beat by 1 point by 2 differnet people. This is rather depressing.

This tribe is so much more inactive than Ala Mai... also we’re gonna lose this challenge. Sluggy says he wants to work with the US guys to take out the EU guys, but I’m thinking the opposite, for several reasons. First is the europeans timezone is closer to ours, so we have more time to talk. Another is the europeans are more active and social in general, and better in challenges. Finally.... I just don’t trust Sluggy, hes hard to read, he seems to be hard to work with cause he won’t let go of ideas :/ For now I’m gonna bide my time, see what develops, but if the opportunity to work with the europeans comes up Im definitely gonna consider it.

Um so this vote is gonna be real messy trust me I want to do sluggy but it might be Veni or randy and I honestly don’t know... I just hope whatever is done is done for the best and I stay safe 

Winning the challenge is great, but the lack of communication coming from Ginger and Liana is a little annoying. They seem to be very inactive, whereas Emily and Vilma are amazing. I actually like this tribe more than the original Ala Mai. I feel like Vilma and Emily were a good trade for Stephen and Sluggy. Sluggy and Stephen were great and reliable, but Vilma and Emily are more active and seem to have a much more bubbly personality. 

Things are looking alright this vote. I will have to betray someone either way so that sucks. I am bad @ Randy though for the 6 points. 

----------

I believe the current plan is, EU and AUS/Sluggy unite against Pat and Randy. In case of idol we split the votes 3-2-2. 3 being on Randy. 

----------

I wanna make merge I wanna make merge I wanna make merge I wanna make merge I wanna make merge I wanna make merge I wanna make merge I wanna make merge

----------

So like genuinely I really like Pat Sluggy and Stephen more than the rest of tribe in terms of working together and such but like, the OG tribe lines are really bugging me. If I at some point vote out Allan or Clash then I lose potential trust from Ginger and Vilma maybe and definitely from Allan/Clash depending whoever goes. I want to tell Pat the alleged plan so I really hope it does not backfire. I am uncertain yet. 

So we expectedly lost the challenge and now we have to go to tribal. Stephen and I are in the middle of the OG Faatasi and OG Salotaoga (is that how you spell it?). Anyways my original plan was to go for the europeans because if we get small in numbers the europeans can as a force of 3 pick us off, but now because of what happened in the challenge and Randy's performance people like Stephen and Veni wanna vote Randy off. I've made my case to Stephen and it really comes to a cost benefit analysis for him and I and I'm honestly looking at it from a long term point of view, hope it pays off.

Getting bad vibes from the vote. I mean honestly as long as it's not me go nuts

----------

I am really struggling with what information to give to people

today i went to counseling then ate a biscuit for lunch. and i want to host a bachelorette org. nothing is happening in the game tho because guess what MY TRIBE WONNNNNNNN THE CHALLLLLLENGGGGEEEEEEEEEE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i love this tribe because we can actually win things and people actually talk to me :-) also i shared my idol guesses with vilma & liana and they shared back. either way i think it’s already found. i just wanna find the spot that it’s at ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just so i know know know for sure

This week has been very interesting. Coming with randy was exactly what I wanted so that I know I could trust my old tribemate and he’ll vote with me no problem. I just hosted a game with clash in it and we clicked instantly and both had the same excited energy when coming into this tribe and seeing each other. Me him and randy have all formed an alliance and then also have another alliance including Allan, whom I enjoy a lot, we’re planning an attack on veni/sluggy tonight because Veni is playing to hard too fast and it’s super obvious. He’s also super close with vilma (who I already perceived as a massive threat) and ginger. So voting out veni prevents Veni from going back to those two and telling them everything that happened. We get to form the narrative 

Okay so I have a lot to talk about and very little time to do so, let's get into it: So at the start of this week (after immunity) Us Europeans decided it would be a good idea to team up with the Australians and get Randy out. However, my first issue came up with Sluggy said he had to "check with Veni and Stephen". That immediately set off alarm bells with me because why would Sluggy have to check with Veni?? Then, Veni brings up some plan to split the votes in case of an idol. Splitting the votes seemed like the dumbest idea I'd heard of and everything started to sound suspicious af so Clash and I got together and decided to work with the Americans to make sure we would be safe. While we're doing all this, Veni makes about 4 alliances (All without me) promising final 2's and stuff. I'm honestly so done with him so we've all (hopefully) decided to vote him out. If I'm wrong then I guess my game is tanked but right now I feel good. 

So the name of this round is “Is Veni a Snakey-Snake?” The answer is yes. Clash tells me he has alliances with everyone, so we’re gonna vote him out. Gonna double check my facts first tho 

Hello this stupid european freak thinks he can outplay the greatest america player in history aka me so im just j chilling in this tribe when we swapped. and like this aussie sluggy rat comes to me and is like "american and aussies work together" and i said ok cool. and then i went on inactive mode because i didnt want to talk to anybody. then we had an immunity challenge and i didnt compete at all for it practically because i hated the challenge! but nobody else did stellar so it didnt matter. so we lost immunity, i get told real quick by pat and clash that the europeans want 3 votes on me while aussies do 2 votes on pat. we wanted to mix that up so originally we were going to vote together as 3 and just take Slugg out. But then we added Allan so we had four votes Then veni decides to heat up  his fucking crack pipe and take 4 hits before messaging me. Telling me things like "pats getting out, fix it" and "hey  i really trust you! hopefully you make merge". like stupid shady shit that doesnt look good so i g o to the alliance and i said vote veni out now we're about to go to tribal and we're going to see if the american brat gets his way. wish me luck

For those who think I wasted an idol I technically did but remember I just woke up to hear my name that Veni, my second closest ally in the tribe wants me gone and is rallying others to vote me off, so if Veni had Pat and Randy and got one more to flip I would have definitely gone home. It was definitely scary and I'm not afraid to admit I was scared and shaking in front of my computer, but I made up my mind about playing it since half an hour before tribal so. I guess now is the real test to see if I can make it further in the game without any sort of extra protection on my back, but Veni was a sneaky guy despite being not fluent in his speaking.

----------

Veni a huge threat is gone when I wanted to take him to the merge to use as a shield but that didn't work. That goes to show how important it is to make sure you're not playing hard in the first few parts of the game, but timing is really key in this game, and i gotta pick the right timing to strike and when to back off.

Woooohoo! We wonn!! I'm so happy to have a night off. I am loving this tribe switch and have liked everyone I have talked to so far. I think we just got the power tribe both with challenges and socially. Emily actually shared where she has searched for an idol with me so we could cover more ground. It makes me sus of maybe her and someone else working together on Saratoga. (although maybe they were all just social flops) I'm still really happy I found an idol on the first try because I feel like I look semi inactive (always working) so no one would suspect it would be me who has the idol. My plan is to maybe blame Ruthie? Idk i haven't thought it through yet, but she definitely seems like someone who would find an idol first. Anyway my lying has already started because I told Emily how frustrating it is to have so many combinations to make it seem like I don't have it.

Uhhhhh so we swapped. Immediately I was excited to be on a tribe with Emily, because I've heard she's super nice and people were absolutely right she really is!!!! I like everyone on my new tribe to be fair, but I'm kinda spooked because Ginger is the only og Faatasi who swapped with me and I've been performing fairly well in challenges so I'm scared I will be targeted fast if I end up going to tribal with these guys. I'm glad Ginger and I have a good relationship though, plus he is super social (unlike me) so hopefully he can help me in that regard and use his social skills to build new bonds. Obviously I'm trying my best to do that too but I'm not too convinced in my ability to succeed at that. It's just a lot. I'm too introverted all I wanna do is keep to myself and hide in my cave even though I know that's not smart. I've chatted some with everyone though and they all seem nice.... But yeah I could definitely step up my social game some. Emily and I have been sharing our idol guesses and Ginger told me he is becoming close with Tyler and Emily... We'll see how things develop from here. Personally I've enjoyed talking to Emily and Michael the most. Plus Michael seems to be quite a challenge threat as well, I'm hoping he would like to keep me in as his shield. That's what I'm gonna try to pitch for at least, if we ever end up in tribal. We won the scavenger hunt challenge which was neat because I love scavenger hunts. I went all out in the challenge ONCE AGAIN and tbh we need to talk about my threat level in a bit but first let's have a Moment of Silence for my NUMBER ONE ALLY VENI WHO GOT VOTED OUT ON FAATASI AND I'M VERY UPSETTI SPAHGETTI. :'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''( VENI ROBBED HE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT. I'm so shocked even Clash and Allan turned on him and I NEED SOME EXPLANATIONS. I'm dying to know what happened there. I really wonder if Faatasi threw the challenge to get rid of him, but Sluggy played his idol though, so he must have thought for real there was a chance he was going home tonight?? That's what confuses me. But it's cool to know he had the og Ala Mai idol and it confirmed my suspicions that it had already been claimed thanks to all the reward challenge clues they got. I wonder if it will be rehidden now though... Doesn't hurt to try and search anyway, I guess? But yeah let's talk about the fact how screwed I am if I ever go to tribal with this tribe. Veni going was definitely a reality check for me, and now I feel super uncertain about my own position in the game. For some reason everyone and their mother seems to think I'm a big threat and I guess it's mostly due to me performing well in challenges and that SUCKS. Because music videos and scavenger hunts happen to be my two favorite challenges and I simply don't know how to hold myself back when it comes to them. Dennis asking me the threat question at first tribal plus the judges hyping me up in the music video challenge definitely didn't help my case either ugh ily guys but I'm in TROUBLE. KAJSHDKAHF. But to be fair I've always done middle tier / poorly in flash game challenges, I feel like my challenge threat status isn't completely accurate. Most of the immunity challenges so far have been those kind where those who put in the most effort have been rewarded (Music videos, The 24 hour challenge, Scavenger hunt). I've done well in those because 1. I happen to love 66% of those challenges and 2. I have no life. But if we had skill- or luck-based challenges like flash games or puzzles I don't think I'd perform very well at those at all. Even Ginger told me I need to stop performing so well in challenges and I agree with him. But I'm just scared it might already be too late now. Also challenges are genuinely the part I enjoy the most in orgs, I hate the backstabbing and socializing, so it feels stupid to restrict myself from enjoying the game just to do better at it... Ugh. What an internal struggle. I hope the next challenge will be something I naturally suck at so I don't even have to think about it.

Hmm the universe is really testing me fuck. Money money money u guess that's the focus now. Now I def can't move out not yet. Fuck. Why is my mom so selfish fuck if she had if waited a month and payed her part of the bill we wouldn't be in this situation ugh FUCK why ugh fuck I feel overwhelmed it isn't fair that everything is happening right now I'm gonna have to drop like all my money into the power again and water like fuck I'm terrible with money and shit but why are my parents worse then me????? Now everything I planned for has to be delayed again while I help them deal with this mess. Fuck FUCKKK I'm not even mad just sad like it's like they forget we have little children around. Food, power, water WiFi kids shouldn't have to worry about bills! Or that the basic utilities might not be around. This def is gonna take me over the edge I'm just so frustrated. No I can't get too fucked over all of this. I just gotta pick up more shifts and do what I haven't to do. I've had to pull money and solutions out of thin air before I can help fix this. You know what's funny this was in the reading I had. More burdens and responsibility will be put on me. I've been saying for a while now that I've reached a lvl of control on myself emotions and it's now being tested. Just gotta dig deep and do what's needed. This year was already predicted to be hard for me. That the change I want to see will be something I work for. From the jump tho 😂 the universe don't wanna play around ugh. Okay I gotta make whatever I make from this chart reading last for a bit and whatever I get from this check last too. I got whatever impulsive selfish buying I needed out of me the past December so now I should he good. Though I really wanted to buy a part with this paycheck it gotta go to food. Okay nah it's not all that bad tbh I'm just like overwhelmed so as long as I take it slowly and do the small things I'll work through it just puts a delay to what I want to do fuck. I still gotta wait for a call from avalon so I can start doing my counselling to get over the fucking rape, take extra shifts at work, pay the bills and really really be easy on myself. I'm trying and if I bully myself I'll fuck it all up. AA much as this news suck I'm happy I can finally release these emotions. I just want to curl in bed and do nothing but smoke and listen to music. I feel alone but I know I'm not I just gotta reach out I know that. This is gonna be a hard month but January is never east. I'm nappy batman been coming in my room in the mornings cause waking up to him purring is so soothing. I need to do a face mask and get ready for the reading. I still got a couple more signs to work through before I can head to her place. I got two more charts to draw up then I'll take a break from charts. Astrology has lost its charm a bit but I enjoyed meeting with people and taljjh about it with them. Oh what's soooo fucking funny is how everyone is bothering me now. Like all the people I left on read told that I don't wannabe hang around them or talk suddenly hits me up. You know I never believed the saying that they always come back but they literally do! Just leave me alone I can't stand men right now Jesus is the only one I'd even want to connect with. Hmm maybe it's because I feel weak right now that they hit me up now. If I was back to my old destructive says I'd prob respond cause I been feeling really lonely all I wanna do is have someone hug me do I can like cry and just like dump all my emotions out.I forgot how sad I actually am. Inside me just lives this very disappointed sad girl. But I gotta take care of her. All those crusty men just want to take from me anyway and I been knowing that. I hate when people fake care when all they want is some pussy honestly the fact that they hitting me up is making me so mad. I'm blocking then fuck them nah honestly the audacity. It ducks cause since the city not the biggest I know they see me travelling frim work and shit I'm so happy I got these headphones cause no ond wanna talk to me. I'm so mad abd the funny thing is most of them think im crazy ! It's so funny I'll be trying to idj treat them like a person and have conversation and they call me crazy for not assuming I don't wanna fucj! They're the crazy ones not me. I'm over here trying my best to live a good life and they like ugh I'm deading this right now. I'm not wasting my energy on it I've already wasted enough just writing about it. Okay I feel better. I know what I gotta do so imma do it. I feel the heaviness lifting. Good. When I get back I'm gonna do an inventory of my finances abd see what I'm working with. Capricorn gonna whip me into shape. I got until November to shoe the universe what I can do. I can do this I can handle it I might cry about it the ENTIRE way but I'm gonna get through it. I'm grateful everyone I love is alive and safe. I have a job that I can work at that I kove,peope who care about me and I'm alive. Be present be grateful be hopeful. A quick fuck you to that white boy who ruined new years for me and fucked with my gig. I hope he gets his karma abd regrets EVER fucking putting something in my drink. I'm so mad I even gave a window of oppritubity for it to happen. Never again nah I'm so mad a bit at myself for looking away for asec but mostly at the dumb ass who couldn't get me unless he had me unconscious. I'm ma's that I gotta deal with this. I'm mad that this happens to women and it happens often. In mad that my friends are all going through it. I'm just fucking mad I gotta be so on gaurd with people and I'm mad that people get upset when I'm cautious. I wish I didn't have to be so closed abdsuspicioys like I want to be trusting and kind abd soft but I can't! Only NY friends get to see that side because they would never try to hurt me. I don't deserve all this fucking nonsense but too bad thats bit how the universe works. Ugh htddgfrthhgddryyyrrguh I gotta charge my phone and do my face mask. Lmao my face a mess rift now! Gotta get cute before I go see Angarad. Such a pretty name I bet she's pretty too. I night of astrologyyessir. I wish I could just sleep tgo :-; I Jeep having terrible drereajs I can barely memba but I wwake up on high alert abd mad. Anywaysss