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votometrash · 5 years

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Love Choice Review

Okay so I had no idea Masquerade Kiss would be Love Choice, but this title has managed to tempt me into reading it anyway. I can’t say I’m happy about it but there are a lot of things I have to say, since the whole Love Choice (LC) system has been controversial, or just incredibly detested/undesired, ever since its conception. And it does suck since I’ve been wanting Voltage to release more mature titles (and the whole female spy thing was just a plus, I guess). Voltage did a really good job of hyping up this release and I love/hate them for it lmao. But yeah here are my two cents on the LC feature. Sorry for the longass rant in advance. If you only care about my opinion regarding Masquerade Kiss and Kazuomi Shido’s route then you can check out my review later on my blog (if and when I get to it). But I still mention the title here and there in this review since it is the first LC main story that was released.

For most people who have been with Voltage for a long time, LC is probably one of the worst things on the planet, right after the Love 365 app debacle which caused many to lose their stories if they weren’t aware of the transfer dates or not able to transfer their data (technically they’re losing the right/license to access those stories, cause they don’t own them) and all the other customer service horror stories you can think of. Generally, for people who think that converting coins into hearts and not being able to read the story however they want are terrible ideas, they will outright avoid LC titles/stories. Since LC is F2P, it isn’t much different from the other otome/visual novels that have premium options where people have the option to spend money.

But let’s just think about it for a moment.

The appeal of LC is that you can read the stories completely free of charge. Yes, there is a countdown timer which prevents you from reading the next episode immediately and you would have to spend hearts to bypass that. But let’s keep in mind that Voltage Entertainment USA (aka the subsidiary which creates apps catered towards Western audiences) is also doing something similar with the ticket system. Plus they don’t even give you the option to buy routes anymore, which is why we should be thankful that Voltage Inc hasn’t done that with their Japanese apps yet. I just want to make the best of what we are given (and hopefully try to get a little enjoyment out of it), even if LC is terribly implemented.

So just hear me out for a second. A very long second.

If you’re not one of those people who need every single CG and ending AND don’t mind the wait, this post is mainly for you.

PLEASE JUST READ THE DAMN STORY. LIKE READ MASQUERADE KISS RIGHT NOW WHILE THERE IS NO WAIT TIME (until 2/17). It costs you nothing and you will still get a pretty complete experience. Don’t be stupid and believe that you’re missing out if you don’t get the CG’s. Go look the CG’s up online or something if you have to because I’m sure someone has posted them regardless of whether it’s allowed or not. It has a decent plot that doesn’t make me want to ram my head into a wall from secondhand embarrassment. Sure there are aspects of it that weren’t written well (will be explained in my review later) but it’s still a good story and I don’t regret reading it. It would be a shame to miss out just because you’re too busy hating on the system. If you don’t want to spend your free hearts (or don’t have enough) on CG’s that cost you 20-30 hearts and options that require hearts, just use it towards reading the next couple episodes (for when they go back to subjecting you to wait times). At least you still won’t be using as many hearts. Yeah the CG’s and love choices are hella expensive and they shouldn’t be. It might even feel like you’re being punished for not choosing those choices because in the end you won’t be getting the happy ending. But they’re not NECESSARY. However, if you still want the CG’s/happy endings, just reread it again later when you get enough hearts. I don’t know, that’s not a priority for me so I can wait on unlocking those CG’s.

From Episode 1 up to the second to last episode, you’re getting the same. exact. content. Let me repeat that. YOU GET THE SAME EXACT CONTENT. The only thing is that you won’t get all of the CG’s or the super happy ending, which are what people are really paying for. Is it really worth it??? Voltage apps don’t have bad endings. They’re either the romantic/passionate alternate endings or it’s happy(or normal)/super happy endings. No endings where it’s game over, you’re dead or oops you screwed up this entire thing. You’re essentially getting the same ending, just a slightly different view of the events. Just more vanilla, if you don’t get the “better” ending. Slightly fewer lines of text, less description. Big whoop. That and well, you don’t get the CG. Too bad. No personal bragging rights for me to put on my metaphorical trophy pedestal. For me, reading the visual novel is the main goal. The art and CG’s are just a plus, a very much appreciate plus. I would care more about the plot because if you are reading a terribly written story, what’s the point in having good art anyways? You look at it for a bit and just move on to something else that isn’t a waste of time.

And like....come on. If you hate the LC feature, that’s all the more the reason why you should try it. It won’t even hurt you to read the story if you’re adamant on not spending money/converting coins. Even if it’s terribly written, you didn’t pay for it like you would have with a P2P story. No monetary loss there, just lost time and feelings of disappointment. And if you hate waiting or think LC is a waste of time, just think of reading an episode whenever you have time. You don’t have to commit to it. You could speed read an episode in a minute or two and then go on doing whatever else you want to do with your day. It shouldn’t take up that much of your time. And if you forget to, it’s fine. Not something you’ll be too invested in.

They’re not charging you for anything, so suck it up. I’m sure you have other things you can do in the meantime while you wait for the next episode. Your life doesn’t revolve around otome games (unless you’re adopting an unhealthy lifestyle in which case you have more things to be concerned about). Don’t be a whiny bitch about it. And that’s why the hearts system exists... for the impatient people. They WANT you to spend money on their products, since that’s the whole point of running a business. Yes you’re paying for a one-time access when you’re using hearts to read episodes. Yes you have to start over if you want to reread a specific episode. Ultimately it’s up to YOU to choose whether you want to spend money or not for LC stories, but you don’t HAVE to.

Again, I’m emphasizing the word ‘time’ because if you really don’t have time, then seriously just do whatever you’re supposed to be doing jesus christ. Don’t feel like I’m calling you out for not wanting to read LC stories because you don’t have time to wait around for it. I’m not telling you to prioritize LC over Voltage’s other stuff. Just give it a chance if you can afford to do so, because money isn’t the issue here if you can read the story for free. I know people look towards Voltage apps as a way to relax and so that I understand that reading a LC novel would not be a choice if you have limited time. Because why go for LC if you have perfectly good apps that you’ve already paid for and can read whenever you want? I understand. I really do.

In regards to people complaining about Masquerade Kiss being a LC novel, I have a couple things I want to say. Voltage has the right to choose whichever title they want to be LC. Besides, what criteria do you expect them to use in choosing which titles should be LC? It’s not as if they’ll be like “oh let’s choose an okay title to be Love Choice”, just to make customers glad that they don’t have to waste money. That’s not practical. And ideally they wouldn’t want to be writing shitty stories anyway. They need to make money off them or else it’s a waste of all the money and time they invested into producing the title. For the most part, all the newer titles have been decent, if not good. There will be people who love them and people who hate them. So how would you decide the best choice to be LC among all the good titles? And it wouldn’t make sense to make a title both LC and P2P because that would be when people will REALLY start to hate LC, especially when you have to fork out a ridiculous amount of hearts for the CG’s. Then there will be even more customer complaints yay. Also, if they made it P2P how many coins would they even charge for the whole route, considering how many hearts they have to spend for the CG’s? The CG’s are “free” only if you have enough hearts for those in-game choices that you want to choose, but if you’re paying for them that would mean it’s like $2-$3 per CG.

Since they announced this feature, it’s here to stay unless they decide to get rid of it (which I doubt). YOU DON’T GET A SAY IN IT. Their company, their products, their choices. They will make whatever choices in which they benefit the most from. Sometimes those choices will align with what customers want. Sometimes they won’t. You don’t like it then you leave. That’s what most people would do anyway. Even if you do leave, there will always be more people getting sucked into the Voltage trap anyways. If you don’t, then you will continue to rot in the sin bin that is Voltage and there goes your money. Sadly, that’s how the world works.

So yeah if you’re still reading, thanks for reading my very long winded, unpopular (probably) opinion. You’re a trooper. I have respect for you. I’m just here to get this off my chest. Please don’t hate me.

#review #voltage otome #masquerade kiss #love choice #voltage inc

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dragonwitch77 · 5 years

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Death’s Flower ch 2

“Stupid kid. Stupid gods.” Snatcher grumbled, stomping down the seamlessly endless steps that descended down to his realm. A realm that only housed beings that had left the mortal world for good, where there is nowhere else to go when their life came to an end. A domain that had many names.

The Underworld. The Realm of the Death. The Underground. The Forsaken Place. The Domain of the Snatcher.

Pretty much those names were enough to fill in the mortals and gods alike of what was down there. Being the God of Death, souls of mortals were sent to his domain to be dealt with after their parting from the living world. It was his sole duty alone to do this task, whether he liked it or not.

And he didn’t mind it one bit.

In fact he liked that he was the God of Death. If it meant that others feared him and left him alone, then he didn’t mind reaping a couple hundred souls each day. It was fun to see others squirm in his presence, fearing when he might snap and attack them or prank them out of the blue. He may be the God of Death, but he had to have some fun once in a while.

He took in the site of his world as he reached the final step, standing on it as his eyes gazed over the world he ruled. Some would say that his domain was a dark place that didn’t even have a speck of light in it, but he could prove them wrong once they saw what a wonder his world was. It was like a kingdom of darkness, the only light coming from the pools filled with souls he had yet to judge, varying from bluish greens to deep purples and sky blue. As long as it wasn’t too colorful, his world was perfect.

“Boss! Boss!”

Almost perfect.

“What is it?” Snatcher sighed, stepping off the final step, letting the earth return to its natural state as it closed up behind him for another year before he could leave again.

His minion, one of many identical beings that swore their service to him, fell to the ground in front of him in a clumsy manor. Picking themselves up, they stood tall, or as tall as their pudgy small round body could only reach the height just half way to his knee. “Boss! Thank the Sisters you’re back! We just got a new batch of souls! It seems like a bunch a them had drowned.”

Snatcher rolled his eyes, sighing heavily. “That’s the third time this month. Honestly, how many idiotic mortals are going to die before they realize that fishing out in a storm is NOT a good idea?!” He walked past the minion, grumbling to himself as he went deep into his domain. “What’s the status on our current pools?”

“W-well, we’ve managed to sort out all the young and old into the pools they should go in. Few have tried to escape.” The minion followed behind him, listing off the things that had happened while the deathly ruler was gone. “The dogs were getting restless after you left so we set them lose on some damned souls to keep them occupied. A child recently died of an illness. Someone was stabbed to death. Moonjumper is here. And we still—OOF!”

The minion fell backwards, looking up at the long black hair of their master.

“I’m sorry.” The minion coward as Snatcher slowly turned around, his eyes illuminating in the darkness, staring down the minion. “Did I hear that right? Did you just say, Moon. Jumper. Is here?!” A deep growl emanated within Snatcher’s throat as his cape began dancing with power.

“I-I-I-I-I’M SORRY! We tried to send him away but he wouldn’t listen!” The minion shook with fear as the dark serge of Snatcher’s power radiated. “He insisted that he needed to see you urgently, but you weren’t here!”

“WHERE IS HE?!”

“AT THE TEMPLE! HE’S IN THE TEMPLE!” The minion openly wept as Snatcher growled with rage, running towards his home.

)*(

The home of the God of Death was, as the other gods described it, not as fancy or well lavished as all the other homes of the other gods and goddesses. It wasn’t made out of white stone marble, but black cracking earth and vines with sharp thorns that held it together. It was just as big as any home fit for a god, maybe even bigger than the rest of them, but was not very appealing to look at with crumbling pillars, broken floors, skeletons of the many deceased used for decorations and furniture, and bodies of past intruders hung on the ceiling to show as an example.

But while the other gods and goddesses would find the thought of going to such place disturbing if not revolting, there was in fact one god who did not mind Snatcher’s strange taste of design.

And the only god to get on his nerves.

“MOONJUMPERRRRR!” Snatcher screamed as he burst open the doors of his home, forgetting to restrain himself as his power tore the rotten wood off their hinges and clatter to the ground in pieces.

“Ah! So he finally arrives! Though I can see he’s quite angry as a beehive!”

Snatcher growled as he spotted the god sitting in his favorite chair with a bowl of grapes in his hand. “What are you doing here you pathetic excuse of a god?! You aren’t allowed in the Underworld without permission from me!”

The god merely grinned, plucking a grape and popping it in his mouth. “Permission from you? Oh how silly but true. While indeed most do, I however can pop in out of the blue.”

Snatcher stormed his way up to Moonjumper, slamming his claws into the seat’s armrests and growled dangerously. “I REALLY insist that you stop with your ridiculous habit of rhymes you—”

“Temper temper! There’s no need of this distemper!” Moonjumper rose from the seat, shoving the bowl in Snatcher’s hands. “I only came for a visit! Now that’s not such a crime, is it?”

The god giggled, going around Snatcher as he threw the bowl filled with fruit away. Most would say that the two were look similar to one another. But while their faces did seem to mirror each other, that is where the similarity ended. While Snatcher was thin, bony, pale skinned, golden eyes, had wild long hair that reached to the floor, covered in darkness and wore pants, Moonjumper was a class of his own with his short pure white hair, blue skin, bright red colored clothing with chains wrapped around his torso and neck, wild red eyes, and scars covering his face.

And majorly legless. Everyone could spot the lack of legs from miles away. And it was no secret to how he lost them in the first place.

“You little pest! How many times do I have to beat it in you that I do not want you here?! You have your own domain! Go use that instead of here!”

“I do not wish to be this pestering! I only dropped by to see what your mind is festering.” Moonjumper grinned, floated around Snatcher. “You seemed quite tense, I should know. Tell me, what’s bothering you so?”

“I don’t need to tell the likes of you!” Snatcher shoved past Moonjumper. “I know your tricks God of Corpses! Don’t think for a second that I won’t know what you’re up to!”

“But that is not true! I really came to see you!” Moonjumper followed him, keeping a distance between them in case the Death God decided to get a little… slashy. “Say all you want with your skilled tongue of lies, I can see it in your sad eyes.”

“Stop following me.” Snatcher growled. “I’ve already got enough to deal with, and your visit is not helping.”

“Indeed all this talking isn’t much help. Shouldn’t you be searching for the thieving little whelp?”

Snatcher froze in his tracks. He slowly looked over his shoulder, glaring at the other god behind him. “How… did you know something was stolen from me?”

Moonjumper clicked his tongue, waging his finger at Snatcher. “Oh silly Snatcher, can’t you see? There’s a connection between you and me. Though knowledge and memories we do not share, you tend to let you emotions go wild without care. Though it was only just very brisk, I could feel that the balance of the world is at great risk.” He grabbed to cloak that Snatcher never took off, pulling it up so that the tear was visible for both of them to see.

“For such a precious item that you deeply tend with care, seems that someone defiled it with a horrible tear.”

Snatcher swatted Moonjumper’s hands away, tugging the cloak close to him.

“This act is quite shameful, but who is very blameful? Mortal or god? This act has got me quite awed! For stealing a piece of the cloak that belongs to none other than you Snatcher, must be feeling deep satisfactory and rapture.”

“If it were a mere mortal that stole from me, they would die instantly when they touch the piece even by a little.” Snatcher glared at the tear. “No mortal can do such a task and get away with this without consequences. Even with help from another god, the task is impossible.”

“Ah! But to have a piece taken under your nose and gone! It seems that impossible was in fact improbable along.”

Snatcher shot a dirty look at Moonjumper. “… I don’t have time to deal with you. I have work that needs my attendance.” With that he stormed off, leaving Moonjumper to giggle madly at nothing.

)*(

“Thank you for coming Caitlin. I know this was sudden with what happened earlier today and with your help with the guests.”

“It’s no trouble! I was happy to help! Plus, I hadn’t had the chance to use my whip on someone for a long time now so I felt it was necessary for some practice.” Caitlin grinned, patting her trusted whip hooked on her belt. “Besides, I wanted to see the little cutie again~! I just can’t get enough of his tiny little fingers~!” The goddess purred, making Zaman laugh happily.

“Yes. Lyvia has certainly made a cute… child…”

“… Is something the matter?” Caitlin asked, noticing the sad look in Zaman’s three eyes.

“It’s nothing old friend. Just… Lyvia never showed any deep desire for anything other than looks before. I knew she had a soft spot for children, but… to go this far to make one. Without a partner no doubt. I… I honestly don’t know how to feel! I would never allow her to sleep with any man of course! She’s still too… too arrogant I fear. I feel like she only did it for attention and has no real desire to care for her daughter.”

“Zaman, old friend, do not worry!” Caitlin took Zaman’s hand between hers, grasping it tightly. “Your daughter is taking a big step. Motherhood is rewarding and learning. She will learn to be less immodest as she cares for her new child and learn to take her responsibility well. She now has someone who will depend on her and rely on her to take care of them. I’ve seen plenty of new mothers in my time and she’s no different.”

“But what if she strays from her duty as a mother? Children need constant care after all. I would know this well when Lyvia was but a small child herself and I had to raise her on my own.”

“Ah, but that is where you are wrong dear friend. You were not alone! You had friends who were willing to help. And now, your daughter has friends that are willing to help her raise her child when she is in need of that help.” She gave her friend’s hand a squeeze.

Zaman sighed, shaking his head with a smile. “You… are a very wise old friend. And very right. I’m still worried about her, but I will give her a chance at being a mother.” His smile grew wide as his three eyes gleamed with a spark of giddiness in them. “And it will be a joy to be a grandfather. After all, someone needs to spoil my grandchild!”

“Oh you!” Caitlin slapped his arm in good fun as the God of Time roared with laughter.

“Father? Caitlin? Can you come to the garden please?” Lyvia’s voice called out from the garden, catching both of the gods attention. They shared a look before heading over to the garden.

The garden was a beautiful place, filled with flowers and fruits, with decorations that wild the imagination of any mortal, and small animals that played in the trees and sang lovely songs gifted by the goddess herself. Lyvia was seated by the edge of one of the many lakes in the garden, watching the colorful fish swim about.

“Lyvia? Is something the matter child?” Zaman asked, approaching her quietly as her child was sleeping in her arms.

Lyvia continued to stare at the fish swimming in the water before slowly turning her gaze to the moon. “… Father? How, high are the walls surrounding the garden?”

Zaman, taken by surprise by the question, shared a glance with his old friend. “Well, very high my child. Why do you ask?”

Lyvia looked away from the fish, fixing her eyes on her father. “Is it not possible to make them higher? I… would like them to be taller.”

“Now why in the world would you want that? The walls surrounding the garden are very high already.” Caitlin questioned, one of her ears tilting down in confusion.

“I know they are high as they are now Caitlin. And you are right to question my sudden request.” Lyvia stood up slowly so not to disturb her child’s rest. “But, please understand. It’s for my child’s safety.”

“The walls are tall enough for you not to worry for her safety my daughter. I made them myself and with the finest builders! Why has this worry come upon you?”

“…”

“… It’s… because of him, isn’t it?” Caitlin’s ear flattened against her head, her tail dipping down low to the ground.

Zaman sighed. “Lyvia—”

“Please father! After what happened today, I’m worried for her safety! Not fearing the God of Death is one thing, but to laugh in his face is another! Have you ever met someone who has laughed in the face, the actual face, of death himself?”

Zaman’s mouth hung open, yet no words came out. “… well… no. I can not tell you who has done such a thing.”

“Exactly! You both have told me what he is like. He will not take this lightly! What if he tries to do harm to my child? Or worse, kill her?”

“Now now! There’s no need to worry about that!” Zaman placed his hands on Lyvia’s shoulders. “Snatcher has used his one day of walking on the surface of the living. And he may be the God of Death, but he’s never taken a life of a god before!”

“But… but what about the Dark Days?”

The two older gods cringed, looking away from Lyvia.

“… Snatcher… does tend to hold a bit of a grudge against others.” Caitlin spoke quietly, her tail swishing to and fro. “I’ve seen firsthand of what he can do when he’s pushed far enough. He can turn things rather ugly real quick.”

Zaman sighed, rubbing his neck. “He’s an unpredictable one. With a variety of tricks up his sleeve.”

“Please build the wall higher father! My child must be protected from his wrath!”

Zaman glanced at his daughter, looking deep into her pleading eyes and found great worry deep within them. He looked to his grandchild, seeing the peaceful look on her sleeping face. So innocent and untainted by the world.

“… fine.” Zaman sighed with reluctance. “I shall see to it that the wall gets built taller.”

“Thank you father!” Lyvia threw her arm around her father, hugging him tightly. “Thank you! Thank—Oh!” Lyvia pulled back as her child started to cry. “My poor baby, did mommy startle you? Oh, I’m sorry.” She rocked herself, heading off for her chambers.

Caitlin watched as the young goddess walked away, turning to her old friend with a deep frown on her face. “Would building the walls higher even make a difference? Snatcher is a crafty one and you know that walls won’t stop him if he really will go after her child.”

Zaman rubbed his chin, stroking his small beard. “He is crafty. Too cleaver for my taste, and, dare I say, smarter than me and the Sisters. And terrifyingly dangerous. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries anything, but I’m sure he wouldn’t try anything so soon. But then again. It wouldn’t hurt to prepare and add a little guard to the place.”

“Yes, but would it be enough to stop him? He can be very persistent on his tasks, nothing will sway him from what he sets his mind on.” Caitlin huffed. “To think… he was once one of us on equal ground.”

“Now now. The past is behind us all Caitlin. What happened, happened. There’s nothing we can do now but more forward with time of the future.”

“… Zaman… how… how can you be the only god I know who doesn’t hold on to the past without a deep grudge? Everyone else seems to still hold it against him for what he’s done but you—”

“Caitlin, let’s just say for now that we all were young back then. Snatcher may almost be as old as me and older than you, but sometimes, you have to look at all angles before you see the whole picture.”

Caitlin stared at her friend for a moment before sighing and shaking her head. “I love you old fool, but sometimes, even with the clearness of a cat, you still remain a big mystery to me.”

Zanam smiled. “Because too much curiosity can kill the cat.” He laughed as Caitlin gave him a solid punch to the arm, leading her back inside for a few drinks before seeing her off that night.

#ahit #ahit au #ahit fanfic #a hat in time #death's flower au #snatcher #cooking cat #moonjumper

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iamprish1-blog · 7 years

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I have always felt defeated in life, lost not knowing my ‘purpose’ or meaning in life, I think this once abandoned space can prove it all. However, since the past weekend, I think a huge part of me has changed, something I can’t put into words has happened in me.

It was last Friday 23rd of June 2017, when i came home around 12 or 1pm and I saw she posted on instagram that her dad had passed away, i was shocked and found it hard to believe, just a day before that she was thankful for the miracle her dad almost missed death. but that day I was so sad that i cried loool....i cried because i realised a few things, 1: my crush for her was really foolish it was a meaning that is meaningless because there’s nothing i could do to comfort her or anything.. i do not know her, 2: from the text message she shared on instagram i could tell god has taken away a great man/father and its so so so unfair and she really had such a great blessing to have had a father like that! she always said that her family is estranged but she doesnt know its not at all... maybe they didnt always agree with each other but it was still a very beautiful family 3: there’s nothing i could do...and i really wished that i could exchange my life for her dad’s...because at this point in my life i dont have anything thats precious to me and i dont have anything i look forward to...besides my petty dream of buying 1 or 2 audi with cold hard cash...which got me thinking if it were anyone else would i wanna do this obviously nope i wouldnt...and this thought really scared me that why on earth would i have thoughts like this???? then i remember i think i used to say like i would exchange a few years of my life for love LOLOLOL WTF like seriously i just wanna punch myself in the face/body/anywhere i totally regret saying something like that...and im not sure if i would regret saying this...honestly i wouldnt even exchange my life for my parents’ and thats for sure but zac maybe yeaaa

actually last week i deactivated the fb account which i created just to stalk her, but somehow after the news i reactivated it cause i wanna know if she shares any stories on fb...but who knew that the next day she posted for the funeral service...and till today im still curious why she shares her fb posts for everyone to see...she shouldve at least only share the details to her fb friends cause she wouldnt want to message everyone about it...but maybe i should be grateful for that cause obviously i went for all 3 days ! at first i only i wanted to attend on monday...cause its weird for me to even be there like why on earth should i go!! but of course knowing me i have always been sooo sooo sooo so obsess with her... i just went i mean like i dont even know why i went because i wouldnt do something like this at all what more to attend your crush’s father’s funeral?????!!!!!! its so ridiculous i didnt even go to saint’s open house when i was actually invited twice.....and now i attended to someone’s dad funeral when I have NEVER MET THEM OR KNOW THEM AT ALLL?????????? oh yeaa and i actually unfollowed her on insta but then re-followed her again cause i was so afraid she would make her page private and i wouldnt know anything that fear was seriously real lol

it might sound totally ludicrous but i actually felt like there’s some sort of ‘force’ or what that made me go there...i didnt hesitate much not as much as i thought...i was only worried that she might see me and then that would annoy or anger her....however, maybe at first i gave the excuse that i can finally see her...but then it felt more like i just want to be there...i just wanted to be there i dont even know why...the first night i went i was late to appear right at the parlour, so i missed her eulogy, but i was glad cause i could give myself the excuse to come again...the first moment i saw her i felt a sense of relief i think, nothing like anything too much of emotions, but once i was there i just wanted to be there even more....just awhile after i was standing right outside the corner window i saw just waving at first i thought she was like waving at me or what lol cause she was looking at my direction, i couldnt see well cause the windows were tinted and kinda blurry...but then i thought oh she must be waving at someone from the crowd cause she doesnt even know me lol...and then i left early once people starting to queue to pay respect to her dad, i wanted to stay longer but there’re toooo many people soon the sight of her was buried in the crowd...so i left cause i saw her friend and i panicked a bit...the funny thing must be...when i arrived quite early for malaysian timing i stood in between juncture in front....i made myself looked like i was attending the one on the right and kept my head down sticking my eyeballs to my phone...then like around 830 i was like i gotta do something...so i just tried walking towards the right i wanted to see whats behind....thank god i walked till behind and found their room...there’re so many people standing outside but once i heard someone talking i just couldnt care much and stood right infront of the window...then i saw her with her sisters...and of course all the people outside must be think im so weird cause now they know im here for the same person lol i was quite embarrassed for that....but then the next day while waiting at the airport for boboy to arrive....its sooo long i was thinking sooooo much i wondered hmmm why did she only wave to the person at that time wouldnt she see them earlier already??? haizzzzz i was just tooo confused

the second night i went and i was shocked to see when i arrived that there’re no people standing outside...but this time i didnt take the back road...and when she was presenting her eulogy i stood in front of the door only cause theres where i could hear clearer from the outside, i couldnt hear everything she said tho...just she mentioned about now her definition of sadness is different and she almost almost burst out crying and after that i heard something like ‘you know.... someone to walk us down the aisle’....when she finished i asked the worker to help me give the money cause i didnt want to go inside cause i know i shouldnt even be there...but when i walked towards the window where i was standing the previous night...i think i saw her head turning towards where i was going....she must have felt confused like whats happening and of course i think by then she must be wondering who the hell is this person! and so i gave the money with my nickname zenn....cause i thought it would seriously wayyyyy toooo stupid and moronic if i used a fake name like seriously i just couldnt lol... and then when i was standing there i think she was looking at me cause her head was like at my direction but just didnt know if her eyes were on me or what....and then i did something seriously dumb i thought that for her to not see me i could just hide my face behind all the photos hanging there...but then it only laterrrr i realised that from HER PERSPECTIVE she would still see me cause ughhhh like seriously cant believe im SOOOOOO DUMBBBB!!!! ohh and then at one point when her sister walked behind to take something or what she followed behind too....so means i could have see her standing right in front of me but then i turned around cause like of course i was afraid she would like know which now i realise its all soooooo stupid cause i mean like seriously its sooooo bloody obvious i was looking at her the whole time...but then im not sure if she knew who i am.....when people were like paying respect to them i was standing on the other side of the window means i was standing behind them, and then suddenly i think i saw her friend looking at my direction cause i was like the only weirdo standing outside looking inside! but then actually i still cant be too sure cause i was standing quite a distance and i couldnt see well through the blurry window and then i got panicked more and ran away lolol....but i was glad that there’re a lot of people giving them comfort SO MANY HUGS LOL! sometimes i wish i could hug her lolololollll

on monday it was the funeral service in the morning, and i think the timing was right from the beginning cause papa was already planning not to go to site on monday, so i had no reasons not to go....and again i just felt like i gotta be there...and this time i went inside and sat at the last row which then after that i saw the guy i was sitting next to was actually her friend lol cause he hugged her...and then he was with her other friends....and then i was like damnit! damn i miss one thing....her family went to calvary church...i think i heard that since the first night but didnt bother so much....but then on the second night when a pastor was like giving his short speech....i had my head on the ground cause you know standing for so long is back breaking and tiring plus i have working so hard at the site :( but then suddenly a familiar voice had my head raised up....i looked through the blurry window and thought is that the very very very very fussy pastor????? ok so i just googled yep the pastor should be pastor richard that one i know...but im not sure if the one there was the same....however its on monday pastor steven that really made me think was i really meant to just be there? cause again most of the time my head wasnt looking straight up except when her sister was singing and damn her voice is greattttttt i dont think any chinese can sing sooooo well!!!! even betterrrr than jacklyn victor or something lol! too bad she isnt a singer....but then again too bad im not a film star when im so funny i could be the chinese gianna jun lolol HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA AHA AHAHAHA ok pls prisha! right....the pastor his voice was so so so familiar and comforting like i just heard it yesterday not like literally but like just recently, which is weird cause its been yearss since i last attended to calvary and thats before they moved, plus have i even been there more than 50 times??? lol! idk but now i really want to hear his voice again cause its like reassuring...and im not sure if i could remember voices or its just that pastors’ voice is more anointing to the ears.....and also there’s another pastor who share the story her dad made him a charger thing....its really weird cause i never expected to remember pastors faces cause theyre all like old men right all look almost the same....but then i know i will never hear pastor steven’s voice again cause i will not go to such a huge convention center it just doesnt feel like a church thats so commercialised....tho dumc hall kinda big too...but then i now realise i really prefer their voices more than the pastors in dumc lolol i think im weirder than the person who married eiffel tower lel

anyways when i was sitting down i turned behind and saw some of the pictures there, i knew i could easily walked up and take a closer look at all the pictures, but i didnt cause i know i didnt have the rights or deserve to do that, just like how i wish i could have the chance to see her dad but i couldnt, there’s no reason for me to. i wonder if anyone believes that true love can actually transcends space...no doubt i could feel the unconditional love he had in him...i mean i didnt need to listen to all the testimony to know like seriously his face showed it all ! ! ! one thing for sure i definitely felt inspire that i would like to dedicate all my faithful love to someone...i dont know who it will be or what will actually happen in my future....but i know i will wait patiently for the person to show up....it makes me wonder if she actually has TOOOO much love in her that she sorta a player tho HA HA AHAA....ok jokes i shouldnt tease people when their loved one just passed away....but i know even if i have way tooo much in me i would still only give it to one person, there will always be room for only one in my heart....maybe its also why now i just feel like shutting myself out from the world....i dont even feel like talking to shalinn i mean i wanted to at least remain some kind of acquaintance and go to their final studio presentation....but now i really cant....i dont know how to process what im feeling is too weird i need time to forget this i need time for my prayers to come true then only can i open my heart.....meanwhile i will do whatever i was planning to do slowly and hopefully the day i stopped stalking her will come soon.....truth is im kinda frustrated too...i dont get why is it that i felt like there’s some sort of i dont ‘spirit’ or whatever shit pushing me to go there....but god doesnt even bother to tell me WHAT I SHOULD DO NEXT WITH MY LIFE!! i just want the feeling whereby it just flow and its smooth and everything feels right....because i didnt have anxiety at all when i was there, just nervous cause first time going to a place where no stranger would ever go is seriously something lel! and maybe a bit of panic and trying to run away trying to hide which all didnt work didnt make sense lolol...like when after her dad casket were inside to be cremated...her friends were like walking out and coming towards my way, i panicked that i was like damnit now i gotta go for real...but then i was so nervous i missed the entrance just on my left then walked a round and then got shocked confused why the hell i came back to the same place....and seriously at that moment i thought i was gonna faint cause the weather was bloody scorching hot and i had a cap on and i didnt eat breakfast and i was confused like where the hell is the exit??????? but then i ha d the chance to stay longer like to look at her lololol like seriously damn stupid...till the end i finally leave when more people were leaving

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