#even if assignments r easy n i understand all my lessons in general. i'll pass CETs certainly i'll succeed in the future i know that's who
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hdflkjasdklf i'm just thinking of certain characters n stories hehe
#π.rambles#no bcs why out of all gbf characters it is Belial that is on my mind lately.. π he's so sus but there's smth sad abt him to me that i think#uh. makes me. feel drawn. SOMEHOW. charas in general that like i don't like them just bcs they're sad. i just Like them n later realize how#similar i am in a way n huh. maybe part of me. perhaps not really relate but i think i understand ^ him with lucilius. but. nyways#sometimes i find myself having ideas from time to time for. scenarios n stories n maybe not super concrete? even just the idea or the#emotion & sentiment of it. even if it's a mess bcs i just dump phrases n words from time to time.#i really like reading my own words. they remind me a lot of myself n resonate a lot with me.. i wrote them all after all before.#π ok i just got a notif bcs i have smth due in 24 hours from now.. (-> i ended up venting again but i have no more space to tag it)#there's a lot i'm stressed abt. anxious even. it's not rlly a big deal in the end n eventually the burden of my regrets will hurt less but#noooo i keep on rambling abt that i guess there's rlly just so much weighing me down in my mind But i will persevere!!!!#imagining stuff or wtvr n indulging in. idk any form of self-expression n being creative brings me so much comfort#when the break comes i'll read books i'll write stuff too i'll watch stuff i'll play video games i'll play/listen to music i'll. yeah. Live#like i want. but like success has always still meant a lot to me i'm too strict on myself w that so w school i constantly just feel trapped#even if assignments r easy n i understand all my lessons in general. i'll pass CETs certainly i'll succeed in the future i know that's who#i'll be but every single mistake just tears me apart and makes me forget who i am as a whole. i've always been 'better' in a way than your#average person i've always mostly generally done well & good but never ever quite the 'best'. so while i do love my intelligence n all as#a whole. ffs i know better but i end up being too harsh when it comes to my shortcomings. so. stuff like stories n games n yeah#those allow me to be free in a way. from my own restraints. from my own cage. so to not. be able to do that too rlly makes me forget myself#while w work n personal stuff like that i'm mostly sure of myself but when it comes to. me w ppl in this world. it's so. unpredictable?#that's just how ppl r. it's. intriguing to me definitely but. confusing. i long to belong but it's hard when most of my life i've felt..#i'm not rlly sure how to phrase it. it's in my head but yeah. so.. i'm rlly just a mess w that. i think i tend to isolate n distance myself#so easily bcs i fall far too much w the thought that. nothing much wld change? recently i'm so confused too bcs i'm aware of reality but#then i'm also just so confused n then a mess in general but i'm returning to like my old self when it comes to stories. embracing that agai#understanding myself a bit more while being distant w others but also lost for the very same reason. ITS SO CONFUSING n complex ofc.#which is. v human ig. but i'm not taking care of myself well so ffs it feels like i'm falling behind but i'm technically productive w work?#stuck between remembering. v well. i'm not too brain empty in the present too. n. i've been v keenly aware of the future#it's all going far too fast n i'm not keeping up Well Enough. the helplessness i think i wrote a while back#bcs i want to stop or i want to do smth or just change n get things done but it's not That easy. n it's been like this for so long now#i'll be fine my mind's just a mess rn n i'm just so frustrated w myself but i'm well enough. a bit empty but i'm fine.#there's a lot more to write n i could have done this in my notes but i'll stop anyways i'll work now. i'll try not to stay up Too late π₯Ήπ«ΆπΌ
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