ok misc stream thoughts!!!

ANYWAY livestream over nice 30 pulls of aventurine funds for anni!!!! they didnt do anything insane but honestly it was kinda cope to expect them to, ratio for free was clearly a more of a spontaneous move and hes available throughout anniversary anyway so the "another 5*" were.... a little over the top im sorry wjkjwdjkwdjk altho i wouldnt have complained obviously. a free himeko or sth couldve been on theme for the cosmodussy event but eh cant be helped

im actually glad for the skippability of the reruns 😭😭 like i have luocha n jingliu (+ LC for latter) so by skipping acheron for now im gonna have a nice time getting aventurine and most likely his LC (2/3 of his 4* LC selection is so sad tho), love that fucker hope he gets to do proper mayhem in story too. cool death talk please dont actually die yourself for real for real tho i will be sad. like i do think its based of aventurine to pull off a stunt that appears to be what we in the business might call a certified chapter 5 komaeda moment but. ahahaha nooo dont actually die youre such a funny hat man .

(also sick boss form is sick but . bootleg FL im sorry aventurine. they hit perfection already and theyre never fucking topping the galaxy cape cyclops eye beak mask drip i swear JSWJWJDKWJKDWJK but also yes me biased? in favor of that ginger? i could never)

but it seems ill have a solid time getting aventurine and saving up for now??? since i dont think im too interested in robin or boothill either. i was kinda worried topaz' rerun would be in 2.1 for IPC antics with aventurine bc i am kinda curious abt pulling for her but now its gonna be 2.2 at the earliest so. Phew

the stream ran a bit too long lmao but like overall i tend to like the dev discussions so most of it was still neat, altho downside of dev streams is that not knowing chinese i cant just like. afk and listen on headphones and go get water or something 💀💀 and they were definitely dragging stuff out on purpose no way they werent but eh. people will live its just bideo game livestream. and like these folks do hard work on the game they can yap about what they do sometimes its only right lmao

leakers public shaming session was definitely a jumpscare but i do genuinely empathize w shaoji on that one. like. ive always been one for kit + banner leaks first and foremost and story leaks just. i dont care for them much. ive had my share of looking at them occasionally but i definitely agree with the way story leaks either by themselves or when misconstrued and misinterpreted really fucking mess with the intended experience for any given story and how that must feel like shit for the writers. like if story leaks stopped happening altogether id be perfectly content. and thats just ppl who look at story leaks on purpose cuz. im not going to even begin w how like. yes the leaks subreddits and most big leakers do spoiler warnings and keep the story stuff spoilered. but then theres literally the entire rest of the internet where shit gets spread untagged and without warnings the second they are posted anywhere at all and how that fucking ruins peoples experiences. like its 1 thing to click at a spoiler tagged post knowingly and get ur experience messed up with. but when u dont even want to see it its rly fucking bad and i v well understand condemning all story leaks (even those properly flagged) just on that basis alone. but yeah actually felt bad for him there and see where he was coming from for sure, even as a consumer of leaks

ok well that sure was a wall of text. didnt expect to write that much JWJKWJKDDWJK but ya

Anyway. biggest priority is holding strong w skipping acheron as sick as her animations are but def looking forward to her teaser and the animated short. like . even with the black swan dykery. (that was a fucking jumpscare too). i dont need her rn. despite how cool she is 😭😭

& also have to say im v happy they clarified their stance on hi3rd references like. the way theyre going abt it is absolutely how it should be going. hsr by nature is more directly linked to hi3rd like honkai is in the name but its such a dumbass idea (like some fan takes out there....) to want the stories of hsr depend on another games lore. rewarding old fans with easter eggs and tidbits is perfectly fine and im even interested in seeing where they go with acherons obvious raiden situation - especially knowing theyre not about to ruin their own story with "it was hi3rd all along!" (not that i ever rly thought theyd seriously blunder that bad lmao 💀) . so yea thats neat

i think story wise im not gonna say much of my thoughts bc unfortunately i have clicked on like. a leak or four. not the major stuff i dont think but enough that commenting on stuff w some of the things im aware of in the periphery is going to tint stuff . but im still excited to see where things go!!!

AAND OH. ACTUALLY i do have one more thing . so the multiple POV thing being actually implemented is SOOOO good im so fucking happy theyre committing to it being a thing 😭😭😭 like SO many story pitfalls can be avoided by just letting it be that TB doesnt need to be fucking everywhere a major thing happens as the centerpiece of events so we as players can see it. like it gives a way of showing different events and sides of characters in a much more natural manner its sooo good that theyre implementing it already. like this alone has me in such high hopes for the story going forward. like yea theyve branched from our POV before already and in penacony as well but expanding on it even more is 100% the correct way forward

last thing: god they did jingliu so dirty in her concert illustration. WHAT is she wearing 💀💀💀anyway yeah lesgo 2.1 its cool

i lied real last thing: siobhan . siobhan i would do anything---

oh my god im sorry but i HATE reading analysis discourse so fuckgin much. its so annoying and unnecessary and cruel bc per usual ableists just Scream over everyone and manipulate the view by focusing on the wrong points. disrespect towards this issue is never gonna work and yall would get that if you actually listened to the way the (usually nd) people felt about it and why, but ur too busy mocking them so you look good for consuming the Proper Medias tm. i mean you literally have to know this isnt productive, yall keep going bc you get a kick out of laughing at ‘unintelligent’ people.

‘uu ur teachers didnt oppress u by making u read to kill a mockingbird instead of the hunger games” ok listen 1. media you dont personally care abt can still definitely hold depthful value and be analyzed. oh my god lmao. the people who prefer ~that kind~ of media arent stupid and dont prefer easy thinking, its your own fault for Not looking into it yourself and just assuming its worthless, literally judging a book by its cover. LITERALLY avoiding the analysis skills you claim to have by assuming anything you read in highschool = smart, valuable and anything mainstream = stupid and useless. most books inherently contain symbolism and morals, a lot of these people CAN understand it, theyre just criticizing the inaccessibility of the writing that was forced on them academically. the people analyzing those medias instead of your favs are still taking in lessons even if they prefer to do it in a different format, i mean for instance THG is literally about fucking classism and racism and war you dumb hypocritical tunnel vision bitch, young adult media usually has a Lot of real world parallels in it that very much pertains to how teens see the world, thats the literal POINT, just cuz ur too elitist and dont respect children enough doesnt mean some books are ‘too stupid’ to analyze with any real social value, and 2. A BOOK NOT BEING EXCITING... OR EASY TO UNDERSTAND... IS LITERALLY SMTH VALID TO CRITICIZE IN MANY CASES, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE GIVING IT TO CHILDREN.... if a kid says “this is boring/too long/uses words that i dont know, so i cant make any sense of it” that doesnt always mean theyre lazy or w/e, if its not a book made for kids (bc kids can understand mature themes but that doesnt. mean you can just throw all the other skills they arent experienced with yet at them, they still need writing tailored to them), Thats your first problem, but sometimes ur book is just fucking boring all together. a book can have as much symbolism as it wants, if its not there to open the mind and provide necessary depth, but to feel self important and make you feel self important for getting it, thats not a good book. and with books i do respect now like TKAM i remember outright saying, “i literally cannot read this and dont get it at all” at like 10 yrs old, and my teachers didnt do shit to explain it or help me or give me any skills at all, they were just like. :) keep trying!! according to your scores we know you can do it!!! so, i did not keep trying, i gave up, and i guarantee if it had been a few years later it would have been easier. if i had been given the opportunity to read stories with similar morals that were made for my age range that i WANTED to read, i guarantee i wouldve gotten so much more out of that. but i was literally DISALLOWED, bro if i grabbed a book that actually interested me, i was told i couldnt check it out at ALL unless it was in the ‘range’ i was assigned, which was college level since i was in 4th grade. so if you think i shouldve kept reading, im being unironic rn, you need to go get a degree, become a teacher, and if a kid or teen says to you what i said, sit them down and TEACH THEM without shame, and fight for better regulations of what reading levels can be pushed on what age groups. if lit analysis is this important to you, FUCKING TEACH IT PROPERLY, that is literally the ONLY REAL SOLUTION to the problem you have, NOT SHAMING the people who were ALREADY FAILED BY THE SYSTEM.

the problem is not ‘idiots think symbolism is stupid’ the problem has ALWAYS been ‘the education system is flawed and how and when children are taught certain skills is so corrupted and damaging, the children growing up with it cannot Help but struggle later in life, and your issue should be with the system”. like can i be real. learn how to Emotionally ~analyze~ posts from sad kids with mental illnesses saying smth as basic as “i wish i wasnt forced to read mature books as a child without any themes pertaining to me at all bc it hurt my already fragile motivations for learning :/” without your ass getting defensive over the classics. bitches stan ‘the door is red to symbolize anger’ but think thg is just a stupid dystopia love triangle book................ ur not even that smart like yall are just elitist like LITERALLY just elitist if you mock the values ppl see in other books and claim theyre too stupid to understand ~real books~. a fucking mickey mouse cartoon could hold the exact same moral lesson as a 1200 page novel written by a college professor of 30 years, like the Exact Same Conclusions CAN be drawn no matter how many words and analogies and metaphors are thrown on top!! for many those fancy details make it more enriching but its literally possible to get the same concepts from “EASIER” material, that is not Lesser it is ACCESSIBLE and it should be ENCOURAGED all the same. yall are gatekeeping and its stupid, if you actually want ppl to analyze media then you’d applaud how they analyze their passions even when you dont share it, not shame them for struggling with understanding other stories. this rly boils down to either ‘i hate ppls preferences and wanna make them feel stupid’ OR the ever so lovely ‘i hate whiny disabled ppl and kids who were pressured to the point of burnout, and wanna make them feel stupid’. its fucking exhausting. idc how you guys feel, you talk to hear yourselves talk and its all just talk and nothing helpful, your disrespect doesnt work bc its an echo of the root problem. for gods sake shut up already lmao

also earlier i had heard you correct yourself and call b your ex-girlfriend which made me smile cuz last week you said girlfriend a couple times and it freaked me out but this is the first time i’ve heard you say ‘ex’ and it was a relief.

so we go to the bus stop and i make you keep walking bc theres people at all the bus stops and im like UGH. i take your hand but its a little awkward so i try to pull it away but you wont let me bc you know i want to touch and we do a little hand dance and then let go and its nice. then as soon as we get there the bus is coming. and im quite frustrated and youre like do you want to get on? and i’m like, i want you to take care of your business but also NO i don’t i dont want it to be here this soon but... what do you want? and the bus is coming and you’re like uhhhh and im like now or never dude and youre like no. dont take it. lets hang out a little longer and im like good. yes. bc thats all i want in that moment. 

so we walk and come eventually to volunteer park and you tell me that’s where you buried your other rat. we walk for a bit. im exhausted, like i havent felt so tired/happy/confused/heartbroken/heartfull/vulnerable in a long time. i just want to go to the dark. so i collapse by a tree and you collapse next to me and we’re already touching so i know its okay. i just turn to you and bury my face in the crook of your shoulder and then its too much and i want to hold you like i do at night when i think of you. and i do. you stretch your arm around me and we just breathe and you hold me. i feel so safe and comfortable and like slightly relaxed for the first time in hours, maybe all day. and we just do that for a while. you hold me and the energy shifts eventually so i switch and hold you so you can feel safe and comfortable and taken care of. and you want it. you want to be held by me. you run your fingers through my hair so soft but firm and i feel so loved. i rub your shoulder and put my fingers deep in your hair and its so thick and beautiful just like mine. your hand is curled on top of your shoulder and one arm is slung across me and when i brush your hand you grasp for me and so i hold your hand while we lay curled together, mostly silent, in the dark. 

you say i dont want to move and i say i dont either. eventually youre like ‘i really dont want to get up. but i have to’ and im like i know its okay. lets try a practice run and you dont move and neither do i. we move closer somehow and i bury my face in your hair. but eventually you do get up and i do too and its okay. we walk back to the bus stop, not touching. 

we get to the bus stop and it comes v soon but before it comes for some reason we’re talking about raccoons. there’s a ladder and you say raccoon ladder? and i say nah, they’re too heavy. but then i remember theyre hella smart and fast and i tell you about jes and the raccoons and the lake. and youre cracking up even tho you don’t know her and i love you for it. and i need to tell you, have been meaning to tell you for a while. so we see the bus and you reach out your arms and i fall into them. and i say ‘i love you’ in the real way and you say ‘i love you too.’ 

you sort of let me go but not really. i hear/feel you kiss the top of my head. you don’t want to let go. i look at your face and its so beautiful and cute and shining with love and i say like a little kid ‘bye raccoon’ and you say bye. get home safe. i’ll see you soon. sweet dreams and i say sweet dreams for you too. and get on the bus which is gross and full of fuckin weirdos but im not focused on that. bc i am focused on this. i text you when i get home and i think you’re not going to text me but at 1:35 you do. you say “<3 me too i think (re: being okay). i hope youre having sweet dreams” its like the fourth time we’ve said that to each other. i love that you texted me even tho you think im asleep. its also at the exact moment i am thinking of you and specifically of sex and how incredibly much i will fall apart when/if we ever have sex. and i hear my phone ding and its just like wow. wow. you love me. you even said it. we said it. 

i just... i dont know what to think or feel or anything rn. i still rly want a spliff but also not. its just wow. its so funny how we cant stop touching now that we did once. like i cant turn off my vulnerability and i keep expecting you to run from it or me but you dont. you just get CLOSER and MORE LOVING and its so weird to me!!! we’re so well balanced!!! because thats what i do for you, is i am always grounded and can always support you and be close to you and make you feel beloved and special but you are so good at doing that for me and its just. wow. it felt so fucking good to hold you. ive spent so many nights imagining it and thinking it would never happen and you must have to. but it did. that happened. i said i love you and you didnt run away, you said ‘i love you too’. which i mean i knew but also!!! to hear it!!! it still doesn’t feel real.

so. that was last night. idk exactly where we go from here except everywhere. you just kept making such an effort to tell me how important and special i am to you. you said it multiple times, at the nus stop too again i think. i know you did bc i said ‘when you say those things i want to respond, but i cant. bc my brain doesnt know how to process. bc it feels so much. if i cant make eye contact with you, i am overwhelmed. thats what that means. it means so much to hear and so i get really quiet and look away but its just bc i want it so much that i dont know how to handle it.’ and yr like its okay, and you just understand. you understand so much. work is hilarious bc we’re so fucking telepathic, esp when its busy. like fuckin lmao we bussed a table in like 15 seconds flat and i saw you about to knock over a waffle batter container and i s2g i CAUGHT IT halfway between the fridge and floor and saved it bc we are that in tune. 

you thanked me at one point. idk why. i said thank YOU then said i mean also like, i accept and that’s sweet. but also. thank you. god. it was so incredibly sweet. i can see how much you love me written over your face all the time but esp when we were in your apartment. no one has ever, ever ever soothed my vulnerability like that. not even dylan or tat. no one has been that sweet with me and known what i needed except myself. to just be held. and loved. and cuddled. by you. the sweetest, smartest, kindest, most beautiful person i have ever met. the most interesting person i’ve ever met. im so fucking in love with you and you... feel that way about me and know i need to hear it and tell me and it cant even be for the reaction cuz i cant GIVE you the reaction in the moment but you know anyways because you can read my eyes so well. thats why i cant look at you sometimes. cuz you’ll see my whole face and know. 

jesus jesus jesus christ.