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deadcactuswalking · 3 years

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 09/01/2021 (Justin Bieber, SZA, Jason Derulo)

Happy New Year, everyone, and welcome to 2021 on REVIEIWNG THE CHARTS – or I guess you could call it “Season 4”. I’m going into this year with cautious optimism – that goes for pop music, mind you, and not actual world events which I suspect will just get even direr as the years go on. For 2021 on the charts, I’m hopeful and I hope that’ll show in this next year as I’m in a better place than ever, partly thanks to my decision to renew this series in the Autumn, and we’ve got a busy week – or year – ahead of us. I can keep up with new releases every Friday like I used to and generally kick myself back into a routine with all these musical hobbies. I stay cautious in my optimism for 2021’s pop music because frankly, looking at this top 20, I can’t say I like a lot of this at all. I mean, I guess I’m fond of some of these tracks but I suspect a fair few of these songs to have their last shred of success this Winter and not turn out as year-long hits. I can’t say that for our #1, which is “Sweet Melody” by newly-collapsed girl group Little Mix, the fifth credited #1 for the group and their first since 2016’s “Shout Out to My Ex”. Admittedly, I feel like Little Mix ends here, hopefully with a bang as this was one of the few bonafide smash hits that lasted through Christmas, and I see it lasting a couple more weeks at #1 as a good send-off because I don’t predict the band getting back together without Jesy anytime soon... not that I care about pop-group politics, of course. On that note, let’s divert to our rundown. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

There is a single song in the UK Top 75 – which is what I cover – that has not gained, returned or entered for its first week, and that’s “Love is a Compass” by Griff from Disney’s Christmas advert down to #50 – it’ll be gone next week, but I honestly don’t really understand why it lasted an extra week. Maybe Soul and Disney+ had something to do with it, because I cannot see this getting consistent streams. Otherwise, look: I’m not mentioning every single drop-out because I would just be repeating every single drop-out because I would just be repeating all of the Christmas songs that I’ve already listed every single week since late November. I will say this: “Last Christmas” by Wham!, last week’s #1, is gone from the top 75, alongside “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey, “This Christmas” by Jess Glynne, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Justin Bieber, “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring the late Kirsty MacColl, “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid and “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé are all gone despite staying in the top 10 in last week’s awkward grouping of holiday trite and regular pop. Everything else I’ve said over the last few weeks in the returning entries and gains sections, Christmas-wise, is gone, and I don’t want to list any other drop-outs, including even all of last week’s new arrivals. The only other notable song dropping off from the chart that’s not explicitly Christmas-related is Liam Gallagher’s charity single “All You’re Dreaming Of”, and that’s not exactly a surprise to anyone. Okay, so for our returning entries and gains, I’ll list them in some kind of janky order. Starting with returning entries, the category that fits most of these songs is: “year-long hits that have had one final and brief second wind after the holiday season that will later be replaced as Spring comes”. This includes “Giants” by Dermot Kennedy at #75, “Breaking Me” by Topic and A75 at #74, “Roses” by SAINt JHN and remixed by Imanbek at #71, “Rain on Me” by Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande at #70, “ROCKSTAR” by DaBaby featuring Roddy Ricch at #68, “Don’t Start Now” by Dua Lipa at #67, “Lighter” by Nathan Dawe and KSI at #61, “Ain’t it Different” by Headie One featuring AJ Tracey and Stormzy at #60, “Savage Love (Laxed – Siren Beat)” by Jawsh 685 and Jason Derulo and remixed by BTS at #58, “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi at #56, “WAP” by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion at #47, “Take You Dancing” by Jason Derulo at #46, “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles at #41 and “Looking for Me” by Paul Woolford and Diplo featuring Kareen Lomax at #39. Our next category is: “really old – and massive - songs riding off the coattails of a weak chart for a cheap additional week to add to their repertoire”. This includes “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper at #73, “Baby Shark” by Pinkfong at #72, “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran at #66, “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac at #64, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi at #45, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I at #38, and I guess even “Train Wreck” by James Arthur returning big at #18. Our third category consists of: “mostly more recent and decently-sized hits coming back because they’re still popular but won’t be re-peaking any time soon”. These include “Gnat” by Eminem at #69 (although you’d be stretching to call that a hit exactly – would have been without Christmas), “Show Out” by Kid Cudi, the late Pop Smoke and Skepta at #62, “Lasting Lover” by Sigala and James Arthur at #57, “Princess Cuts” by Headie One featuring Young T & Bugsey at #55, “no body, no crime” by Taylor Swift featuring HAIM at #54, “pov” by Ariana Grande at #52, “Tick Tock” by Clean Bandit and Mabel featuring 24kGoldn at #51, “Diamonds” by Sam Smith at #49, “Body” by Megan Thee Stallion at #44, “Plugged In Freestyle” by A92 and Fumez the Engineer at #43, “champagne problems” by Taylor Swift at #42, “What You Know Bout Love” by the late Pop Smoke at #36, “i miss u” by Jax Jones and Au/Ra at #34, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio at #33 and “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco at #32. Our last category consists of songs that returned and peaked this week, including many in the top 40. These include “You’re Mines Still” by Yung Bleu and remixed by Drake at #59, “All Girls are the Same” by the late Juice WRLD at #53 (still very strange to see that song from 2017 peak nearly four years later), “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals at #48, “SO DONE” by The Kid LAROI at #40 (more on him later), “The Business” by Tiesto at #31 and “Golden” by Harry Styles at #26. These are the most important returns because they signify what could be coming down the line for our genuine Winter hit parade, or at least the post-Christmas half of it. What might better show this are our gains, however, as these songs were sticking through the holiday season and took advantage of it this week to poke through even higher in the top 40 and often top 10. We have “Forever Young” by Becky Hill at #35, “Midnight Sky” by Miley Cyrus at #29, “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring Don Toliver and NAV at #27 (as soon as I can stop saying that full song name the better), “Monster” by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber at #25, “No Time for Tears” by Nathan Dawe and Little Mix at #24, “HOLIDAY” by Lil Nas X ironically up to #23, “positions” by Ariana Grande at #22, “Holy” by Justin Bieber featuring Chance the Rapper at #21, “Loading” by Central Cee (still growing on me) at #20, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #19, “Dynamite” by BTS at #17, “Mood” by 24kGoldn and iann dior at #16, “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish at #15, “Really Love” by KSI featuring Craig David and the Digital Farm Animals at #14, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd still here at #13, “willow” by Taylor Swift at #12, “Prisoner” by Miley Cyrus featuring Dua Lipa at #11, “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy at #10, “you broke me first” by Tate McRae at #9, “34+35” by Ariana Grande at #8 and “WITHOUT YOU” by The Kid LAROI at #7. I can reassure you I’m overjoyed about that last one – not because the song is good, quite the opposite, I just like having easy targets ready for the end of the year when I actually end up doing a worst list. Oh, and that’s not the end of it: “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd is at #6, “Levitating” by Dua Lipa and remixed by DaBaby is at #5, “Whoopty” by CJ is somehow at #3 and finally, “Afterglow” by Ed Sheeran is at #2. We already mentioned “Sweet Melody”, so now finally, it’s on to our new arrivals. What did you gain from reading me list sixty-odd songs in rapid succession with minimal commentary? Nothing. What did I gain from it? Whatever’s just above nothing, but as is the UK Singles Chart in early January.

NEW ARRIVALS

#65 – “Your New Boyfriend” – Wilbur Soot

Produced by Wilbur Soot

Before I put two and two together, I was incredibly confused to who this guy was and why he was charting – he’s doing particularly well on Spotify for this indie singer-songwriter, right? I did one quick Google search – literally typing in “Who is Wilbur Soot” – and soon found out that I actually already know the guy from “SootHouse”, a YouTube channel I think I might even be subscribed to. Huh, I guess that shows how faceless social media platforms can be – his name is in the videos and I should have assumed from “Soot” but that missed me until now. Right now he’s part of that whole worryingly popular group of content creators that tread the very thin line separating Minecraft let’s-players from commentary YouTubers and Twitch streamers from paedophiles. I’m too old to understand any of this garbage but from what I see trending on Twitter all the time, it seems toxic and frankly I don’t want in any part of that. I don’t want to have my grandparents’ graduation photos leaked to the Internet alongside my address, thank you very much, so I think I’ll distance myself from the whole “Internet celebrity” and just talk about the music. This is the last in a trilogy of E-boy indie-pop songs, because of Goddamn course that exists. Song number-one, “I’m in Love with an E-Girl” is a dreary acoustic duet that forgets that comedy songs are supposed to be fun or witty, relying on obscure inside jokes and references to recently-outed paedophiles. I do like some of the jabs later on about romanticisation of mental illness and Chevy’s voice is really nice, whoever that is, but it’s too little too late to be a worthwhile track. Now for song #2, “Internet Ruined Me”, which is a slightly livelier rendition of what is pretty much the same song, with lyrical gems like, “My Twitter feed’s like my brain ‘cause I have it on dark mode.” At least it feels like a more honest attempt at a song, but song #3, “Your New Boyfriend”, the one that’s charting, is obviously the most realised out of these acoustic demo skits, with some pretty sweet piano melodies and Wilbur getting into his comically struggling high register to depict his naivety as a teenager when attempting to get into both a long-term relationship and career as an entertainer. Sure, the song’s janky and awkward, but the chorus has a genuine punk groove, even if it wants to stop to interject ad-libs for no reason and kind of ruin whatever momentum is there in the first place. By the second verse, the punchlines devolve to “No homo, though” and though I do like how those horns sound, they are somewhat clouded in a messy mix that does not help Wilbur out vocally at all. Chevy’s background vocals do help here and add a lot to the floaty atmosphere of the song, and, okay, I’ll admit: the song’s good, if a bit ridiculous and almost Weezer-like in lyrical content... but hey, I like Pinkerton, and there’s certainly enough pointless noise in this song to fit the criteria, so... Goddamn it, I have to recommend this one. Let’s just date this episode – and song – even further by requesting Carson and Pyrocynical hop on a nonce-rock remix, perhaps. Bring Dream along too.

#63 – “Reminds Me of You” – The Kid LAROI and Juice WRLD

Produced by Aaron Joseph, Theron Thomas, Sam Sumser, Sean Small and Dr. Luke

Oh, and speaking of sex crimes by men in places of power, welcome back, Loctor Duke, Tyson Trax, or as I prefer, (alleged) rapist. I don’t like to get too moralistic on this show because it is about the music but I cannot think of any person who would in their right mind know of “Praying” by Kesha and still want to collaborate with this waste of space who uses his monopoly on pop songwriting to continue raking in cash from vulnerable young singers, to the point where I’m not sure if I can truly blame artists for ending up with Dr. Luke production or writing credits... oh, wait, yes, I can! I don’t let Saweetie, Doja Cat or even Kim Petras off the hook for actively collaborating with Luke seemingly in defiance of, you know, moral decency, so I definitely won’t give The Kid LAROI a pass, especially if he and the label are going to use this as another opportunity to milk the passing of a genuinely talented man in Jarad Higgins, or the late Juice WRLD, for the sake of a chart hit for this bumbling Australian wannabe and a sexual predator. This is not the first time, either, but I’ll admit the story gets fuzzy, as Kim Petras did reveal that this performance from Juice was in the studio as she was recording a song, supposedly, that is – I have no hesitation to say I think stories could be made up by record labels to make whoever’s involved look a tiny bit less of an ass. Oh, and by the way, this isn’t even originally a Kid LAROI and Juice WRLD track. Let’s talk about “Reminds Me”, a pretty mediocre Kim Petras song where she blatantly imitates Juice on a trap-pop instrumental that’s just pitiful, as is her vocal delivery that makes lyrics Juice clearly wrote unconvincing. Kim Petras isn’t doing a homicide, I mean, I hope she isn’t. So now we’ve got a “reimagination”, “revamp”, “remake” – or to put it realistically, remix – of an already worthless, disposable song made by a sexual predator and its enablers, spat on by The Kid LAROI’s unforgivably gross delivery where he essentially covers the Kim Petras song and does even a worse job of it, mixed bizarrely – especially in the vocal department – and topped off with a tacked-on Juice WRLD demo verse, so lazily put together that they just repeat his verse to awkwardly lead into an anti-climactic chorus where Juice is nowhere to be found. Everyone involved in the making of this song lost whatever shred of respect I had for them in the first place for putting this out – and that doesn’t include Juice, who’s clearly being mismanaged post-mortem. If The Kid LAROI sticks around, don’t forget this and don’t forget everything he’s done – intentionally or unintentionally – to heartlessly pinch pennies out of Juice’s legacy.

#37 – “Goosebumps” – Hvme

Produced by HVME

I’d make the easy, cliché joke that this isn’t living up to “goosebumps” by Travis Scott featuring Kendrick Lamar, but... this IS “goosebumps” by Travis Scott featuring Kendrick Lamar. HVME is this boring faceless nobody—I mean, “mysterious” Spanish DJ who made a garbage deep house remix of a pretty decent Travis Scott song, but not using the original vocals and stems, which would have probably made this listenable, but instead covering the song himself, stripping of it of Travis’ original energy that carried the eerie trap instrumental and pretty pathetically attempting to replicate the “Straight up!” ad-lib. The mix is fine but puts way too much emphasis on all the swooshing and nothingness synths that do little to get in the way of the typical pumping bass-line you hear in this type of house, and, yeah, this is pitiful once again and reeks of no-effort dance music made in a bedroom you wouldn’t even hear bumped in clubs. He doesn’t even try and re-sing Kendrick’s verse – good – and his attempts at picking up Travis’ masterful flow from the original is comical at best, to the point where I genuinely laughed out loud as his measly “brr-brr-brr” sound effects. I don’t understand why this is so high, yet it has 112 million Spotify streams as his only release on the platform, and I can only assume this is thanks to Ministry of Sound and some Lithuanian record label (don’t ask; I don’t know either). I don’t see this surviving January, thankfully, so you can say goodbye to this guy and his awful, awful cover for good... hopefully.

#30 – “Love Not War (The Tampa Beat)” – Jason Derulo and Nuka

Produced by Nuka

I don’t think there’s any “Tampa Beat” to speak of so Jason Derulo, are you just putting “(Blank) Beat” at the end of all of your songs now? What do you even gain from that? Except there is a “Tampa Beat” – unlike Jawsh 685’s original track, however, it wasn’t called that. Nuka is a New Caledonian producer and she made a song called “4 Bryleans (WayzRmx2018)”. Alright, well now it’s the “Tampa” beat, because I’m sure Florida is close enough to a French territory in Oceania, right? Maybe he’s talking about the ghost town in Australia, or the... small Transylvanian mountain. Okay, I’ll stop kidding myself: this title is complete nonsense. At least he asked for the sample before using it this time, and if Derulo makes careers out of this, then I’ll be glad for these underground Oceanian producers. The difference is here it just feels lazy and co-opting a style he’s clearly not in tune with for the sake of hits for himself. It would make more sense for him to keep on working with Jawsh if he really had good intentions for producers out there in the Pacific. Anyway, much like the title, this song, produced by someone who claims to make the best cheesecake in the Pacific (which I wouldn’t think is that hard of an award to claim), is nonsensical. It’s stuck in 2014 with gross synth leads, clipping percussion and finger-snaps straight out of DJ Mustard’s older stuff, along with what I guess is the sound of the Pacific: Jason Derulo doing fake accents over incessant horns and over-produced garbage that seems like its sole purpose is to annoy... and I liked “Savage Love”! I think my favourite part of this production is when he pitches the horn line down for the verse and then it comes back mid-way through as annoying as ever, even if this mix is crowded enough for you to just barely ignore it. Derulo isn’t doing much here either other than straining his voice for a belt no-one asked for and having a complete dissonance between verse and chorus in terms of lyrical content. Oh, and there’s a copious amount of remixes that are all garbage. The instrumental’s on Spotify too under “Waterfall”, so I guess that adds another name to the list of names this song has for no reason. At least with “Savage Love” I got to hear BTS drop F-bombs, this is just worthless.

#28 – “Good Days” – SZA

Produced by Los Hendrix, Nascent and Carter Lang

I came into this episode all optimistic and ended up just moaning about sex crimes and Jason Derulo but I think if there’s going to be any shred of true quality from our new arrivals, it’s the new SZA track that’s shaping up to be genuinely big organically on radio and streaming, “Good Days”, from that new album, whenever Top decides he’s going to let her release it. I’m not the biggest fan of SZA; you probably don’t remember that she ended up on one of my worst lists a couple years back, although that’s mostly at the fault of Travis Scott more than her. This doesn’t mean I’m not excited to hear from her, though I did like some of the stuff off of CTRL, particularly “Prom” and “20 Something”... and, yeah, in terms of what I want from contemporary R&B, I’m not mad at “Good Days” at all, though it’s going to take a lot of growing on me because I immediately hate this mix and production, which relies on slick, lo-fi guitars being drowned out by overweight percussion that sounds organic but pretty unfitting and awkward amongst the reverb-drenched vocals and unrecognisable mix that doesn’t compliment SZA’s at times awkward delivery. That’s a shame to say because I think she harmonises well with co-writer Jacob Collier, especially on the chorus, where she wishes for good days ahead, which is lyrical content I can get behind: coming out of a bad place and knowing you have no authority over your future but wishing for good days regardless. When the synths come in after the third verse at about three minutes and SZA’s voice disappears from the mix, becoming less overbearing than it is, I can appreciate the song more and especially when that final chorus comes in... except there isn’t a final chorus to leave this song off with much of an impact, rather just a tacked-on instrumental section that felt like Jacob Collier was tasked with just extending a snippet, which given how the song was teased in “Hit Different”, might actually be the case. I like the lyrics a lot, and do think it picks up after the song practically ends, but I’m not sure about this right now, and could see it growing on me as good days either become more imminent or drift even further away.

#4 – “Anyone” – Justin Bieber

Produced by watt, The Monsters & Strangerz and Jon Bellion

I’ve done a lot of writing and reviewing this week so I’m glad I can sum this up in a few sentences. Justin Bieber is an overexposed hack who I cannot feel any emotional connection towards at all, so him continuing to make any art is moot. This song has a loading screen of a synth melody, and that’s before that really ugly chorus that Bieber really can’t save with his Auto-Tuned whine of a voice, alongside acoustic guitars that clearly do not blend well. Jon Bellion’s production at the end of this just barely saves it by doing some kind of 180 shift into slow synth-pop, clearly coasting off of the Weeknd’s success in the same style without realising what made his record worthwhile. Camila Cabello recorded a demo that I’m glad isn’t the official version because her squealing would not sound good here either; really, I think Bellion could have kept this to himself but he knows he would put a lot more effort and character into his own lyrics than this – he would also write an actual bridge for his own album, I’d hope. It isn’t catchy, it isn’t intriguing and it is gutless, like Bieber has been for the past two album cycles and I guess it’s not changing this time.

Conclusion

What a downer for my optimism about pop music going forward this was! Even the best songs here I feel mostly ambivalent on, to the point where I can give Wilbur Soot of all people Best of the Week for “Your New Boyfriend”, which shocks me since I thought SZA would run with it, although “Good Days” does grab the Honourable Mention. Worst of the Week should be a toss-up if it weren’t for the fact that The Kid LAROI exists so he can get that for “Reminds Me of You” featuring the mangled remnants of whatever’s left of the late Juice WRLD’s Google Drive folders full of demos and leaks. I suppose Dishonourable Mention can go to HVNE for “Goosebumps”, but I’d understand it for anything else here. Here’s this week’s top 10:

Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more rambling – I swear I’m not usually this angry – and I can’t really predict anything going forward either, other than unfortunately more Dr. Luke, but we’ll see what the charts decide to bring us next Saturday when it comes. I’ll see you next week.

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