Bruh, Shen Jiu reminds me sm of my mom I'm having conflicting feelings about him

Now I can't stop thinking of an AU where Binghe responds to SJ the same way I did as a teen: with the same anger. You insult me? I'll insult you. You treat me as less? I'll treat you as less. You want to use a whip (a belt in my case) against my legs as punishment? I'll stare you down without screaming nor crying even though it hurts really bad bc Fuck. You

And yet if someone asked I'll say that I love you, you're the best (mom) shizun, that you're doing your best, that you're misunderstood, you deserve better...

And then, after the Abyss arc, I spent 20 years missing you but not wanting to see you bc I'm doing a lot better now and can understand a lot of things I didn't understand as a kid and I heard you soften up with the years but I'm afraid. I'm afraid you'll hurt me and I'm afraid I'll see you and I'll got back to the angry child I used to be and hurt you too. I'm not good to you and you're not good to me...

(that last part is partially based on someone's else experience)

... Basically I'm asking for a reverse blackening! Binghe AU fanfic lol