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fountainpenguin · 4 months

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Zombiewood, my beloved...

Man... thinking about how much I love Double Life Martyn & his interactions with Cleo again. There is... so much silliness going on there. Legit, they can barely hold a conversation without giggling. And the drama... Just existing together under the drama umbrella makes them fantastic story material. 10/10 soulmate pair.

Martyn's terrible game show flop. Devastating. Him getting in a fistfight with Cleo at the end of it. That little fast-paced vent he does while ranting to Jimmy about how Cleo is really into building bridges with Scott but not him, which pitches up into a scream. I love how 'into character' he gets there; it's so good...

The entire hilarity of Martyn building a giant heart in front of Cleo in an attempt to win her back, which she loathes and ignores while he spends the series fighting with the HOA for the right to keep it. Everyone constantly yells at him for dropping their property value. All he wants is Cleo's attention and Cleo just... is not impressed. so funny.

"It's small, but it's enough. Just like me." - Martyn, what??

The way Martyn builds his base "in Cleo's front yard." That's so nuts. From an in-universe perspective, I love that swivel from denial and anger in Episode 1 to bargaining in 2.

So many good tidbits throughout their 5-episode relationship... Martyn peeping at Cleo through his spyglass at night and muttering "She seems safe; she seems happy; she seems healthy" before zooming in all "Wait, she has to use the furnace OUTSIDE?? Take it inside! Look, he's ruining you!" Like... Okay, Martyn.

"This is all her fault, 100%!!" He's a needy, angry man grasping at straws. I love dumb roleplay drama. Ugh, the commitment to the bit is so glorious. What a great arc.

The way Martyn thoroughly convinces himself that Scott's the shoulder devil who swayed Cleo away from him, so he shows up to speak his mind ("We can be real, proper soulmates, but right now you're being really selfish. You let him speak in your ear! You let him tell you that I was off not caring about my soulmate! I was providing!" and Cleo hits him with "Martyn... I was the one who brought it up first."

Just... idk, the way he freezes right then is great. The "emotional damage" clip he plays right then just makes it for me. That right there is the moment that Character Martyn splinters. It's so good. And yet he doesn't give up?? astounding.

I really enjoy how Pearl took the divorce quartet situation and spun it into clingy 'crazy ex' roleplay with Scott, and Martyn went the complete opposite route and tried to woo Cleo over with grandiose gestures of affection, really playing up the "I'm a provider; I didn't want to show up emptyhanded" angle. They were so different in how they handled the break-up and I still think that's cool. They did such a good job. Fantastic season.

Martyn: I care about us! I bring the skill; you bring the vibes- That's what I was signing up for! Cleo: If you look at it this way- You don't have to watch out for me. I've got somebody else who's willing to lay down their life for me.

Like??

Martyn wants someone he can share affection with. Cleo wants stability and trust. The whole "This is better for both of us" is so good... Hilarious.

The part that really makes it for me is Martyn starting to protest "So this is what we're doing?" and Cleo softly shushes him, just like "Shhh... They're coming over."

They kick off a secret alliance they don't discuss in public... Cleo apologizing for misjudging him and extending a hand. Martyn playing the part of jealous lover who's got an open door waiting for him if he'll meet her halfway, which he can choose to do at any time if he swallows his pride... It's SO GOOD... What a set-up!

Martyn & Cleo, my beloveds... Where else can I find the goofy 'jealous ex with a flair for art and drama' + 'Annoyed ex who moved on with their life and got a new partner and a home' health-sharing soulmate combo with this much commitment to the anger and grief and forgiveness and regret... They're great.

Martyn: I don't know where I stand with her. She sort of seems to be looking out for me but absolutely wants nothing to do with me. It's all very confusing... and maybe Cleo will come back to me one day.

Well, I've got good news and bad news, boss...

Cleo giving Martyn a heart-to-heart and he quietly wanders back to his base, turns to look at them, and tells the audience "Maybe me and Cleo are more on the same page than I initially thought" while in Cleo's POV a moment later, she's like "Look, sometimes you just have to speak to him in a way he'll understand" [gameplay strats] ??? slkdjf

Cleo sending Martyn on his way with his first diamonds of the series to craft a sword with... the "Don't die" / "I promise; I'll do us proud- Don't you worry" / "[Sigh]... Do yourself proud" exchange just kills me. Martyn swivels to his softer 'serious roleplay voice' to 'pledge loyalty' to her and Cleo just Is Not Having It With Him and shuts that down so fast.

Cleo: You don't need to worry about me. I've got my partner. Martyn to the audience, so Cleo can hear: She's saying that even when there's nobody around. I am VERY confused."

Two dead, many injured.

Cleo tossing a flower in his inventory when he wasn't looking. Cleo offering to let Martyn stay with her after his base gets griefed. Also ??? Martyn and Cleo getting a house together when they were constantly fighting?? why did they do that.

Cleo and Scott on their bridge above the ravine, doing their daily axe crit to the chest... Martyn in Ep 3 whips around and yells "Do you two mind??" Cleo tells him it's their way of showing affection and Martyn immediately gets out his enchanted axe and goes for her. He looks Scott in the eye and says "At least I've got a heart" and Scott's instant reply is "Do you??"

Martyn later refusing to use the bridge because it would be "awkward"... Martyn sneaking around Cleo's house and getting upset that she joined the HOA, immediately followed by her chasing him out of her yard insisting that she didn't. Martyn's swap into bubbly music when he's in the panda reserve. "The admission fee is love!" / "Oh, I come with buckets of that because somebody isn't accepting mine."

On the way out the door, Scar tells Cleo and Martyn that he'll find more romantic music to play the next time they visit and Martyn doubles back and says "Yeah, if you could." Love that for him. All the man wants is a partner who doesn't want to kick him in the teeth. What a great episode.

I love how Martyn and Cleo interact on their weird stepping stone bridge above the ravine... He keeps pushing for "I'll take your gear and go down to the ancient city to get your enchantments sorted out," trying to kill two birds with one stone and play up that role of being "the provider," and Cleo just... keeps trying to reel him back.

"No, no, no! You don't even have to do that! All you have to do is say 'I'm sorry for abandoning you on the first day.'" / "Mmmmm... I don't understand." sldkfj. "All it takes is an apology, Martyn." / "You're not getting one. We both know you're not getting one."

Delicious self-inflicted drama. Cleo's so willing to bend and he's so dang stubborn. I love them...

Personal highlight for me is right after Martyn kills both Cleo and himself by punching them off a cliff. Scott puts himself between the two of them while Cleo seethes and Martyn apologizes profusely and he just keeps saying "You have ruined every chance of ever being with her as your soulmate. You have lost every opportunity." Cleo following it up with "Remember when I said Martyn would be a good person to have on our team?

Yeah, just drive that sense of "Nobody wants you" into the one guy who's been so desperately roleplaying affection... topped off by the fact that when they're alone, Cleo drops the loud angry voice and cracks up laughing. Your honor, they are literally just some guys.

The fact that Cleo had to save him from an enderman while he shrieked and buried under her bedroom floor. I cannot get over the mental image of "Take me back, babe" immediately followed by them almost dying twice in 5 minutes. Martyn literally runs inside and hides under Cleo's bed... they can't stop giggling. Yep. He's here: the perfect man.

DL!Martyn is so funny to me... He explicitly uses the phrase "I'm breaking up with you too" when he dumps Pearl at the end of Episode 1, and then he does it AGAIN when Ren says they should bring Pearl into the Broken Hearts club.

The whole "Uh... I broke up with Pearl, so this might take some convincing" bit just cracks me up. Ren so wanted this alliance to work and Martyn is like "... ah. Yeah, about that..."

Semi-related, but thinking about that one Reacts clip where IRL Martyn said "See, this is why me and Cleo are soulmates" while listening to them talk about his LimLife finale betrayal...

idk; that's funny to me- I like the in-universe image that character Martyn is still hung up on Cleo (and/or the mental image of character Martyn hanging out with her at a post-LimLife party, trying to study her and figure out why they were paired).

Martyn and Cleo are on the same page in so many ways... but they have different communication styles / preferences and they crashed and burnt so hard... Ah, the sweet tragedy of it all. I'd have loved to see how well they could've fared together as a team.

Cleo losing their Yellow life because Martyn scrambled towards her begging her to eat and she forgot she was drowning as she opened inventory to check her pockets... His "Leave her alone!" and "Cleo, we good? We good?" during the ancient city fight. Cleo inviting Martyn into her Red Life base. Yeah. Them... Messy to the end.

Anyway, they're hilarious. GG to them on the improv and the commitment to it, even though the break-up was probably a scary roleplay / gameplay choice...

Also that moment where Bdubs casually says hello to them while they're walking home from the panda reserve and they immediately go for their weapons and start threatening him "Your money or your life" is so perfect... Love me a couple improv troublemakers in total sync. They're my favorites.

I love them and their silly donkeys Glen and Schmoobles... Nothing like two soulmates both picking the same companion animal without coordinating and both giving them silly names in the complete opposite directions from each other. They're great.

I love them...

#Martyn InTheLittleWood #ZombieCleo #trafficblr #Double Life #Zombiewood #divorce quartet #traffic soulmates #mcyt #Bonus funny Martyn quote: Transport and property are like the two most important things. I guess family's in there somewhere as well #Also- Martyn: 'You can see the shadow of my heart on the water bed' / Etho: 'You have a water bed???'#traffic spoilers #traffic life smp #Long post #Riddle watches Traffic #director's cut

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vesperalia · 11 months

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"Director's Cut [Digital Collage; 2023]

--- {Prints Available}

#Collage #Morbid #Macabre #Surrealism #Surreal Art #Horror Art #Grotesque #Director's Cut #Vesperalia #Artists on Tumblr

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jthmcomic · 2 years

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Character Bios in JTHM: Director’s Cut.

#johnny the homicidal maniac #jthm #johnny c #devi d #squee!#director's cut #click for better quality

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worldmusicandcinema · 9 months

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Madonna - American Life - Director's Cut

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#madonna #Youtube #american life #director's cut #music

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lobsterenthusiastt · 10 months

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in honor of the one month anniversary of 196 shutting down, i want to gift you all the full version of the fash getting punched vid (with added subtitles)

#196 #rule #ruleposting #fashies get the bashies #heritage post #director's cut

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liquorisce · 6 months

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fave chapter (maybe?) in idily? :D

JO ILY!

my fav chap in i dreamed i left you is actually chapter 8 when mikasa talks about how much she desires eren. desire and longing is my favourit-est thing to write about in the whole world (you probably know this already lol), and it is one of the pieces of my writing that i return to when i am faced with crippling self-doubt.

this is the first time eren is touching mikasa's body. mikasa feels like eren is touching her soul.

eren has always had a greedy, impatient, demanding air to him, and mikasa feels as if she is being changed by it. when she kisses him she feels like she is drinking him in, stealing little parts of his personhood, and tattooing it on her skin.

rereading this part always does something to me because i feel like a love-drunk soul is akin to a child on their knees saying "i want this, i want this, i don't know why, but i need to have it. please give it to me." i think all of us experience this painful moment at some point or the other, when you strip back all the layers of carefully thought out reasoning to realise that you are just a creature made of want. there is a similar dialogue exchange in boy next door, in the chapter that i am about to post. i used to feel insecure about the fact that i am always writing the same thing. but i realised now that it doesn't have to be a weakness. i am obsessed with this: i will write about my obsession. i think good things are made from obsession, sometimes.

last snippet, i promise :) i really love this part too, because love can feel incredibly hopeless sometimes. here mikasa feels hopeless, and weak in the face of it. she feels as if it is making her and unmaking her simultaneously. mikasa is a fairly proud woman and she isn't fond of what this experience with eren is reducing her to; but she wouldn't give it up for anything. she is ashamed and overwhelmed and upset because she knows he isn't going to be her forever man, but if a piece of him is all she will get then she will take it.

ahhh @joannaofarkham tysm for asking me to talk about idily. i love it, i love these characters, i love their story. i get some worried messages asking if i have abandoned it: i haven't. <3

directors cut meme

#mafia au #eremika #eremika fanfiction #aot #ask box conversations #director's cut

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fidjiefidjie · 11 months

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Bonne matinée💟👋🆕️

Cher 🎶 Walking In Memphis

(Director's Cut)

#new music #cher #new clip #walking in memphis #music video #director's cut #clip music video #youtube #bonnematinée #fidjie fidjie

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respectthepetty · 1 year

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Ghost Host, Ghost House - Special Clip Director's Cut

#ghost host ghost house #pluem x kevin #special clip #director's cut #this is AP Chemistry level #be safe #communicate

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bitterclan · 5 months

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Honeydew what are your intentions with this married couple 🤨

#He just arrived and went hiiii is your relationship open #text #director's cut

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mendfri · 2 months

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i would say that my favorite moment in the boardbot audit so far has been Diane's fish shield

#fish shield #toontown #toontown corporate clash #corporate clash #ttcc #director's cut #clo #boardbot

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brutermonger · 4 months

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Wes Craven's "Cursed" (2005) Original Cut: Monster Practical Effects

It's a crying shame during the theatrical/final cut release of "Cursed", we don't get to see a whole lot of the villain male werewolf (played by Joshua Jackson) practical suit in it's Full Glory especially during the final Climax of the movie.

Sigh.. 😔 maybe, just Maybe Wes Craven's Original Cut of "Cursed" will see the light of the moon one day and we can fully appreciate the beautifully, monstrous practical effect werewolves 🙏

The parking lot attack is the most we see of the male werewolf. Both male and female werewolves were designed by the absurdly talented KNB EFX Group.

(SPOILLER WARNING🛑: parking lot scene linked below)

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These are recent pictures of More scenes that were planned with the male werewolf from the Original Cut of Cursed.

#Youtube #wes craven #cursed 2005 #director's cut #werewolf #werewolves #practical effects #monster #creature design #KNB EFX Group #lycanthrope #creature effects #monster costume #horror movie #monster movies

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fountainpenguin · 27 days

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Added a tag on my blog for #flower exes in case you're a follower who wants to block analyses/commentary like this going forward. I'll try to make a list of other tags that might be useful for other relationships.

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ngl but I think this snippet from Scott's Real Life POV:

Scott: /kills Jimmy Jimmy staring as Scott hands him a flower: You know what happens if you give me this... [Marriage proposal] Scott, almost dismissively: Yeah, it worked last time Jimmy, after Scott hands him a flower: You are not forgiven Scott, having already walked away and not even looking at him: Thank you Jimmy for forgiving me!!

is just such a painfully accurate mirror of how I see their characters' roleplay in general. Like!!!! I just have to talk about it, sorry. I'm obsessed.

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This is about the Jimmy & Scott dynamic. Not using their duo name so it doesn't show up in tags.

This is about characters, not real people; my personal interpretation of their dynamic. I'm very aware IRL Jimmy lets people mock him for silly dynamics and that everyone is friends.

Disclaimer, I haven't watched their 3rd Life POVs start to end since late 2022, I think? I may have some details wrong.

---

To me, Character Scott exists in this void where he can do and say whatever he wants to Character Jimmy, including ripping him and his skills apart both in front of people and behind his back (Ex: Dogwarts banner burning / bringing up Jimmy's failure with their allies in front of Jimmy and mocking him).

Scott does this several times in 3rd Life. He calls Jimmy his husband, but doesn't seem to respect him... I really want to comb back through 3rd Life sometimes because I remember him calling Jimmy's house ugly and creating a wall so he doesn't have to look at it.

Anyway, he mocks Jimmy's skills and decision-making in regards to all 3 of his husband's deaths, I'm pretty sure (Stuff like "I told you not to step on it! Why would you step on it? I told you you have to shoot it!" and the lava game and the red desert battle).

Iirc, two of his mockeries happen while he's standing over Jimmy's Minecraft corpse, sdklfj. This is not a man who is in mourning. I saw a post once that said 3rd Life Scott is like a widow who exaggerates her emotional displays so she can wear pretty mourning clothes and honestly. yeah. [Paraphrasing]

Found the post

He can be controlling and demanding (i.e. not letting Jimmy make his own decisions about their cows and very publicly arguing / belittling him / interrupting him when Jimmy comes home, all while several other people watch... Sir. Sir, I want to pick you up and shake you.)

It is not for no reason this man's nickname is Gatekeep. And he wears it proudly. aaah.

And the thing is!!! Character Scott lives in a world where he can just say stuff to Jimmy and Jimmy's not going to do anything about it. Yeah, he'll steal Jimmy's goats. He'll ignore Jimmy's goat horn call for a laugh. He'll capitalize on Jimmy's ranch dreams and try to crush him out of existence, laughing at him for having no goats (because he stole the goats). He apologizes to Tango for not replying to the goat horn, but not to Jimmy. He has no shame in playing the bit. That is his friend and he's going to torment him. lol.

He straight-up gaslights (Hilariously, without lying) when he's accused of killing Jimmy's goats. His word choice is so careful when he says things like "I will say, the entire time I could have seen [Cleo and Martyn], they were standing outside the ranch" and not admitting he dug underground and smuggled the goats out.

Character Scott is so fey-coded to me... He is trying to play. He's like a puppy that hasn't learned to control bite strength because he just keeps biting Jimmy and Jimmy doesn't get upset, so Scott is just playing in his POV but. mm. the outside looking in (me) is just. mm.

I can't stop writing 'fics where Scott is oblivious to how harsh he is. In his mind, it's play and he doesn't realize how far it's going- he just keeps escalating. I could talk forever about how Scott's version of 3rd Life heaven was living with Jimmy, but everything was prettier, and Jimmy came up to greet him because he missed him. Scott........ Scott, I just wanna talk.......

And then he seems puzzled when Jimmy doesn't flock to him. I feel like the Limited Life scene is a well-known one in the community: Scott says "I love you" to Jimmy and tries to get Jimmy to "say it back."

Jimmy chooses not to, standing his ground and seemingly implies that he will not express kindness to Scott in exchange for reward (Life), even though Scott's teasing and trying to coax him to because "uwu, don't you love your adorable husband? You would never hurt me."

smh... Character Scott, did you forget that in Limited Life, you've given Jimmy no reason to fawn over you? Why would he say he loves you? You can't just walk up to him and expect that, you silly man.

Shepscapades drew a gorgeous comic about this exact thing. The oblivious, smiling look Scott gives with his tilted head is just. my everything

Like!!! Scott, I don't know how to tell you this, but your actions have consequences and Jimmy isn't coming back. Scott is a satellite who revolves around him, feeling positive feelings towards Jimmy and expecting that Jimmy returns them..... ah.

In my mind he revolves around Pearl in a similar way (Ex: throwing her out without giving her a chance to explain herself when she came back in Double Life- I'm not judging whether it was the right or wrong choice because live your dreams, block dude, but... he really just made his own decisions about how that roleplay was gonna go down, disregarding their past nice times. One false step and Pearl hit the chopping block with no prior communication <3)

And he will just not let go of them. He is my clingy allay hybrid and I think he's fun. Augh. They are so toxic in my mind /positive; boy, that guy sure has multiple facets and a three-dimensional characterization

It's one of the reasons he vibes so well with Cleo... It's a relationship built on gaslighting and gatekeeping. They do not take each other too seriously. And he's considerably less snippy with her, especially in Double Life where he plays the role of fawning over her, and just. man.

Allay hybrid who finds someone to circle, but also can't let go of anyone. He will swap around with no ill intent or sadness, interchanging, picking up where he left off... (To me)

Anyway, this is why in Dog's Life, Jimmy cut ties with all his romantic relationships and is spending time by himself- He's quietly working through all the things Scott and others have said to him while he's vulnerable in a relationship, but he'd never tell him or anyone else this unless he had to. He puts those feelings aside so he can do co-worker things... but he needs time alone.

Even in his POVs, he doesn't explain that to the reader. It's not the reader's business. He's taking time for himself and he's not going to talk about it. He will not demonize his friends... He struggles to even say anything negative about his friends. He doesn't want to look like he's upset even on accident.

There's an upcoming scene where Scott's very overwhelmed and has basically come crashing down, practically begging Jimmy to explain why he dumped him (in this 'fic universe). Jimmy caves and explains a little about why he didn't feel they work, but doesn't go into detail. Even with the simplified explanation, Scott is just... mind-boggled and offended. He was just playing!!

Scott. You NEED to grow as a person. Aaaaaaaah. I want them to have their arc where Jimmy has handled everything as quietly, privately, and gracefully as he could and meanwhile Scott is unraveling everything he knows about himself and starting to look at himself from outside eyes.

All this to say... I liked that moment in Scott's Real Life POV. Jimmy hesitating. Scott being like "Well, last time you excused/forgave all my behavior.

Jimmy digging in his heels... "You are not forgiven."

Scott, walking off... "Thank you for forgiving me!!!"

Aaaugh. I'm gonna be sick about them. It's such a cycle of Jimmy pulling away and Scott oblivious... It is so important to me... and yes I did spend like 2 hours on this post just thinking about this 3-second exchange in the April Fools episode and now it is so late at night... do u understand, though? Them <3

Closing Disclaimers - This is a personal observation about their characterizations because I draw on these moments a lot in my fanfics.

Please don't reblog this post out of anger- I am aware they are a popular ship and that my view is not a popular interpretation, but I like them this way. I like dropping the characters in situations where they need to face who they are. I get excited when I see crumbs connected to my interpretation show up in the canon and I wanted to talk about how something I saw fit my interpretation.

I have absolutely 0 problem with others liking this ship. Heck, I've read some awesome fics of them! I did my best to tag and warn appropriately (and not use their ship name so it won't be in tags). I don't normally talk about them, but I'll use the #flower exes tag in the future when it comes up.

Please don't leave mean comments in the replies, send Anon hate, etc. You don't have to agree, so just block and move on if you're uncomfortable. It's never my intention to bash- I just want to convey the joy I feel when I see a portrayal I like. Thanks! <3

#See. I like duo tags because they are not inherently romantic. but do you understand my predicament.#Sorry to my followers who have my MC tag blocked; not adding it to this post as I don't want it in main tags :')#Flower exes #ridwriting #director's cut #Pixels Imperfect #Dog's Life #Dog's Life spoilers #ridspoilers #Long post

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eilinelsghost · 5 months

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⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Once more continuing to gradually chip away at the Director's Cut asks! (And as before, still taking asks if you have any you'd like to send in—the more specific the better. 😊)

Today I am being the bravest little Frankie and making myself answer a star question. I have so many things I want to babble on and on about when I'm writing, but the moment someone asks me with free rein, I promptly forget every single one of those and can't think of anything at all to say. So uh here's hoping this makes sense!

(And apologies to all of you who sent in star questions—I promise I will eventually have answers for all of you!)

One thing that I've tried to be very intentional about throughout the series so far is how the "exes" (for lack of a better term) are portrayed. Ok no, I tried using "exes" and now I feel so desperately guilty because poor Esrid is not an ex. She is a dead. I'm so sorry, Esrid, I will never call you Balan's ex ever again.

Anyway.

Something that frustrates me in a lot of fiction (in general, not just in fanfiction) is the tendency to portray previous relationships as inferior to the one being featured in the story, as though in order for the featured one to be valid, anything before it had to be negative in comparison. Most often I've seen this done with women, though I'm sure it happens with men also.

So going into writing this series, I knew this was something I would need to be aware of with both Finrod and Balan, and I wanted to be very careful not to fall into that trope by accident. I'm not completely sure if I've achieved that goal or not, but I really hope so because I've become quite fond of both Amarië and Esrid in the process.

As part of this aim, I wanted to make both women full characters in their own rights, even while neither is around in the events of the series. Each nevertheless has a tangible presence in the narrative, both through Balan and Finrod's memories as well as through how each woman has shaped the way our main characters operate in relationship, both to each other and to the world around them.

Balan & Esrid

In Balan's case, I wanted to play a bit with the idea of it being a marriage of convenience, which could easily fall into the framework of "it wasn't about love." Balan occasionally tries to categorize it this way to himself as a coping mechanism, because he has never fully let himself mourn her loss. In Grief in All Her Guises, for example, he tells Finrod:

"In truth, I believe my wife’s death rent Estreth’s heart in many ways that never touched mine—to my lasting shame. Yet in times like these when memory is the most brutal, Estreth remains, not just in the encampment but alongside them, present and attending despite all of it. Whereas I…” Balan let out his breath in a rush of exasperation and clenched his fists to still the trembling.

He leads with this line about Estreth being rent in ways that he was not—yet throughout the entire scene that follows, his actions and relation to his wife's memory show the exact opposite: Estreth and he were both wrecked by Esrid's death, but while Estreth has acknowledged, mourned, and befriended her grief in some sense, Balan remains in denial and tries to mitigate the pain by a) closing off the memory and b) insisting to himself that he had less right to mourn, less love that could be injured. While the reality is that he loved her deeply—and he knows that, even while he tries to downplay it to ease the loss.

And in this, his pain is two-fold. First, and most obviously, it is the grief of her death, and the grief of seeing that loss through his sons' eyes as well. But secondly, it is the pain of believing his love was at least partially unrequited, which is a large part of why he often narrates it in a way that downplays his own devotion. He is very conscious of the reality that she married Geberic from love, and from a love deep enough that it was worth uprooting herself and her sister from all they knew in order to bring it to fruition. And then Balan led his people on the westward road, which brought them into the skirmish that killed her husband. “She never loved me the way she had Geberic, but the love that was there was enough," he tells Finrod, because he cannot shake the conviction that his love was never returned in kind—because he was not the one she had chosen, and because he was (at least indirectly) the cause of that loss, that he was a poor substitute offered in atonement and only accepted from need. But Esrid did love him, and loved him as fully as he loved her, which he is gradually able to see as he finally lets himself mourn her. A helpful summary for this, I think, is from Chapter 5 of Atanatárissë in Balan's closing letter to Belen:

I deemed myself broken through when thy mother was lost, and in many ways it was a true perception. But I forced her memory ever from me, afraid to touch it lest the break rend further and leave me insensate to thee and thy brother. Thus at the thought of her, I held my heart in ice, for fear of what should arise in the thawing. Yet my reticence faltered once and in that brief moment she rose beside me—a balm and not a sharp thing of shearing edges. And she has remained there ever since, steady through the tempests, my first love gone before me as I go now before those who remain, a loss abated not deeper delved.

However, the upshot of all of this is that Balan is consistently afraid of the strength of his own feelings, while also being convinced that in any relationship he will always be the one who loves more than the other, that love will never be fully reciprocated. This results both in how bold he can be re stating how things are (see the snowdrop sequence in A Heady Fragrance of Honey, the entire conversation between them in Vassal, literally all of A Shifting Mirage lol, the confession scene in In These Holy Waters, etc.), and also in how he immediately shifts into a defensive fear response whenever he suspects the not-fully-reciprocated situation with Finrod. Once again, see Vassal for a good example of this:

“I would give everything to thee, but not as a stray once smiled upon who ever after limps hopefully at thy heels; to be some brittle leaf, wind-tossed and in its delusion of flight thinking it might reach the sun."

And when Finrod hesitates in response to this, his immediate reaction is jump to defensiveness and anger:

“Yes is a simple enough word.” Balan’s face was etched with the fury of his grief. “Athon. Sá. Nai, even. But I see thee instead pondering how to explain without wounding me. No matter. It is the blow struck in silence that fells the swiftest. I take my leave.” He turned abruptly and walked back toward the village.

And again in In These Holy Waters where he faces what he sees as Finrod's refusal to choose to love him, Balan's "words lashed from him like a blade, no longer caring where he struck so long as he could wound in return."

So throughout all of this, Esrid (or his love for her, his grief for her, his loss of her) operates as a consistent character throughout Balan and Finrod's relationship as well.

Finrod & Amarië

Likewise, it was important to me that Amarië was not just some idealized Beatrice-esque character who sat over the narrative like the lady of a courtly romance. I needed to believe that she was more than an archetype, and understand why Finrod specifically cared for her, in order to understand why he was operating in the insane-making way he is so far in the series.

(Agh. I've already gotten SO long-winded here, so I'll try to keep this one shorter than Balan's section.)

To start, it was a non-negotiable for me that he did genuinely care for her. I think there's a very clear reason for his indecision and hesitance referenced in A Heady Fragrance of Honey: specifically that he is operating in a context where he's constantly pulled between varying sets of expectations and thus orients himself toward those in order to keep peace; and as the oldest son in a branch of the royal line, he is expected to marry in a way that continues the line, so he does not consider that marrying a woman might not actually be what he wants. Nevertheless, I don't think that Finrod as a person could consider marrying someone—no matter how many expectations were in place around him—if he did not genuinely love them, at least to some degree.

So what is it about them that meshed together? For me, that came down to the same thing that lies at the foundation of his love for Balan: someone who can see past the veneer and name (and love) the person who exists behind the expectations he tries to fill. In the same sequence of A Heady Fragrance of Honey, the context is set as such:

Torn between his father’s expectation of distance and Tirion’s expectation of knowledge and poise, he mimicked first the one and then the other till each was pleased with his performance. He followed his cousin’s studies, learning swordsmanship alongside Turvo’s intrigue for the art and dance of it, he studied architecture, learned the planning of cities, mastered the dialogue and form of court. Then alone in the night he would read philosophy, he would slip out on quiet days to wander through the hills and greet the fauna and new growth, he would sing beside the streams and laugh as he watched children chase and play. Then he returned to Alqualondë and donned the old facade, taking up the mantle of his father’s mediation, the calm analysis of ethics and theology, and the light banter of Olwë’s court.

With Amarië, he is operating in that middle section—as the person he is when he's away from observation and expectation, reading philosophy alone in the dead of night:

[S]he had been a student of philosophy and he was drawn immediately to the conversations they shared, discussions and theoreticals that bored his cousin when he tried to engage him. But Amarië was versed in all of these and her mind sharp and eager, finding the same intrigue and challenge in these debates that drew him ever back to the study. It was not long before they sought each other out independently[.]

She enjoys the parts of him that others find tedious, she sees the things that intrigue him and names them (and consequently names him) as good. He sees in her someone who challenges him and is not afraid to debate and push back, and for whom that is in fact an embodiment of respect and affection, someone who operates from a consistent posture of openness and truth—and this draws him to her immediately. In short, she lays the groundwork for what Balan later builds. Having had that foundation, Finrod is able to see it for what it is when he realizes his feelings for Balan are far beyond friendship: he has the comfort, centerdness, and mutual respect he felt in Amarië's company, but now with all the certainty of affection he was lacking in Valinor.

But this also undergirds one of his primary fears re how he interacts with Balan. As he sees it, all that his love for Amarië gave in return was to leave her wounded and abandoned, which is one of his deepest regrets. He is terrified that he will do the same to Balan, that if he allows himself to love him, he will end up hurting him by default. That, similarly to Amarië, any love they have will end in an irrevocable parting that leaves both of them broken in its wake.

There's a whole lot more I could go on about re Finrod and all of this, but the length of this thing is getting out of control, so I think we'll call it a wrap here 😂

Thanks so much for the ask!

#asks and answers #director's cut #finrod #bëor #Amarië #my fic #atandil

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