#did someone order a uhhhhh big fuckin yuki essay
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this moment with yuki stands as a really excellent reminder of where his core socialization struggles started in the series, and shows us where he is currently on his path to healing and better self-esteem.
it’s been a while since we’ve seen how the general student population treats yuki. obviously we’ve gotten the continuation of the prince yuki girls heavily revering him, but we see this still, too, with the rest of his peers -- now also in part because he’s the student council president, but definitely still due to his reputation as the prince.
this reverence was something that had heavy hand in how he feared being ostracized by his peers, as he was both constantly pushed away from them (above them) because of this false image they had of him, and as he pushed his true self away from them because of his deep social anxiety. he blamed himself for his social standing, simultaneously high and isolating, and believed that any positive traits people viewed him as were fraudulent --
“And I still can’t associate with ‘normal’ people. I don’t mean to turn them away, but some part of me can’t deal with people. I cut myself off from other people because I’m afraid of getting hurt, and because I’m [cursed]… I’m only being nice because I want people to like me… My being nice is entirely selfish.” (ch. 4)
now, as he nears the end of his arc, there’s a visible shift in his character. he’s done a lot of inner work and growth in order to deal with his social anxiety and his self-esteem, and at this point no longer feels isolated or lonely as he did at the start of his story. the isolation he experiences in this scene specifically, while similar to how he was isolated by his peers at the beginning of the story, takes a different color: his self-blame has diminished considerably, in part because he has a social group that knows him as himself, and in part because he doesn’t feel as though he’s faking himself or his kindness around his peers anymore.
there’s still some sadness as his offers for help get denied and he ends up patrolling alone -- while he’s able to look down at this group of friends from afar with some fondness, it’s tinged with something a little bittersweet. he’s experiencing this scenario once again, but from a different and better place in his life. this bout of being alone, while it no longer conflates with loneliness, is still somewhat of a tender spot for him because of how this scenario previously played out for him in the not-so-distant past.
now that he isn’t self-loathing about his social anxiety, though, there is a part of his self-esteem that isn’t quite realized yet: viewing himself as someone worthy of befriending because of what he can offer.
this ties thematically with his offers of help being declined, but also with the climax of his character arc in season two -- he doesn’t want to just be someone who receives the benefits of being in a relationship, but someone who can give just as much back. while he was speaking about romantic relationships specifically, this extends to his closest friendships as well. we see him carry a lot of guilt over not being able to give as much back to people like tohru and haru, and is later revealed to be entirely unaware of what he offers in his friendship with kakeru, who considers his friendship with yuki to be the reason why he was able to grow into a better person.
he no longer contends with doubts that people want to be friends with him at all -- it’s been proven to him that people can see the real him and still want to be friends with him, even if he doesn’t necessarily like himself. his issue at this stage in his story is if he has anything to offer, as an individual, that would have others seek him out.
this ties back to his earlier insecurities revolving around kyo and kakeru, and even ties to how he views tohru -- these are people who seem to emit a warmth that others are naturally attracted to. he doesn’t believe the same is true for himself, and while it’s not a point of distress for him anymore, it’s not something he’s entirely grappled with. though he’s more secure in his close relationships with tohru, kakeru, and haru (versus how he felt about his role in these relationships earlier on), he does still wish to be a friend that is sought out specifically.
this scene where he finds himself alone, his help having been denied because of his dual role as the student council president and the school prince, and feeling somewhat like an outsider again as he observes a group of friends having fun, leaves him feeling acutely aware of this current dilemma he’s having. it’s only when machi runs into him, and tells him she’s been running around trying to find him just to say hello, that this insecurity is momentarily shattered for him.
[an aside: this issue is never fully addressed in the narrative. while it’s a natural progression in his journey through his social issues and self-esteem to understand how important he actually is in his relationships, the way that it’s concluded offers an awkward commentary on how he views his role in these relationships, which up until this point is the primary focus of his narrative. rather than going the route of becoming more secure in his relationships without needing overt confirmation that his friendship is beneficial, the story instead decides to go the route of him becoming so enamored with being sought out specifically -- by a girl who has no other relationships she feels she can confidently turn to, no less -- that he eventually conflates this with being romantically in love with her, and never returns to address this insecurity he still feels within his friendships. it’s a thread that’s lost in the midst of takaya wanting to wrap up his story with a romance that had very little foundation for the sake of having him have a “happy” ending, i.e. an ending with a romance, despite his narrative being about finding happiness in strong and trusting platonic relationships.]
machi is still a new friend to him at this point, and one that he’s been friendly towards since they started working together. while she’s only just started to warm up to him, his offers of friendship and general kindness towards her never hinged on whether he believed she would eventually become friends with him. he was kind to her for kindness’ sake, especially since she was someone who was otherwise intensely reserved, unsocial, and lonely.
this sounds like an obvious statement because yuki is, on the whole, a kind person, but again: he once believed that he only extended kindness in order to be liked in return. at the beginning of the series, he couldn’t differentiate between him lacking boundaries in order to be people-pleasing, and him being genuinely kind. now that he does understand his own boundaries (as a result of respecting himself more + healing his self-esteem), the kindness he extends is very much of his own unselfish volition.
that said, his kindness is something he acts on without consciously thinking of its benefits -- he doesn’t do kind things in order to receive something in return, or because he expects that his kindness is going to be the singular thing that helps someone. frankly put, he’s not arrogant. but this also means that when someone does overtly show that his kindness has had an effect on them, it catches him off-guard. (i say overtly because yuki’s kindness has had a deep effect on kakeru, too, but it’s very plainly stated that yuki doesn’t know this because kakeru never tells him directly.) machi chasing after him just to say hello isn’t just a sudden leap in their friendship, after she’s more or less appeared to not want to be emotionally involved with her place in the student council -- it’s a direct outcome of him consistently reaching out to her even when she didn’t react or respond. she’s seeking him out individually because he holds that same warmth that he was previously so wanting of.
and he has that warmth because he’s overtly, genuinely kind. that kindness that he previously thought of as being selfish is the benefit he’s doubtful that he possesses as a friend. the very thing that he thought he faked only to get other people to like him is the foundation for why others seek him out and love him -- because from the very start, his kindness has been real.
#fruits basket#yuki sohma#did someone order a uhhhhh big fuckin yuki essay#god i really do just love him sm just. yeah 💖#fruits basket spoilers#yunsoh meta
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