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marigoldsinamber · 3 months

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The Devils on the Pew - Part 1

Summary:

Ned Flanders is a devil, a demon, Satan, whatever you want to call him. And his gorgeous wife is too.

They moved to Springfield with the idea of causing some trouble, earning a few souls, and having a little fun before they moved on. Their personas are perfect and their lives are comfortable but when they come up with an idea to seduce the local reverend and his wife, they don't expect to get into so much trouble. Or to actually grow this attached.

Ships: Devil!Ned Flanders/Reverend Lovejoy, Devil!Ned Flanders/Devil!Maude Flanders, Devil!Maude Flanders/Helen Lovejoy

Content Warnings: I suppose OOC for canon-Flanders but not for demon-Flanders.

Word Count: 3.3k

⋘ 𝑙𝑜𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑎... ⋙

When a devil wanted to choose a town to live in for a couple of years, there were a few things they considered. Sometimes, they looked at the folk who lived there and decided they were wicked or greedy enough to fall prey to a demon’s bargain. Occasionally, they chose a place filled with idiots who’d never notice. Hell, sometimes they’d throw a dart at a map and get lucky enough to find a place with both.

And that was exactly what had happened when the devil found his way to Springfield with his beautiful wife right behind him.

Maude draped herself over his shoulders, sweet thing that she was, and gently kissed the corner of his mouth. Her tail swished through the air lazily as she smiled. “Bored, honey?”

“Undeniably,” he said with a dramatic sigh. “Why, it feels like years since I got somebody to sign a contract.”

“It was three days ago,” she teased. “Still, if you’re bored, we can find something fun. Do you want to drive somebody crazy again by following them around and singing? That makes so many turn murderous.”

She sounded so eager that he couldn’t help but laugh.

He’d chosen the right devil to stick by his side. The perfect combination of sweetness and danger, perfectly hidden beneath her acting skills. Why, if he didn’t know better, even he would think of her as a perfect suburban wife.

“Or you could always call the reverend again. Tell him you got a paper cut on your tongue and you think God’s punishing you.”

“Even that’s grown tiresome now I’m afraid. He’s started just giving me the most random verses for any problem.”

But it was tempting. This town gave him more entertainment than he’d bargained for with just about every fool you could imagine. A small nudge and they all fell into various sins without even a second thought. Even the sweetest of children hid dark desires and he’d really never felt more at home.

Unfortunately, even that wasn’t enough to keep him excited. He got awfully, maniacally bored with small temptations. Sometimes he just wanted to devour souls and wreak havoc upon the land.

There were footsteps on the landing and he hurried to hide his horns and goat legs as the children scampered around the corner. They weren’t demons. Maude had thought it would help their image to have a pair and honestly, he’d grown quite attached to the skittish boys.

“Daddy! Daddy! They’re throwing rocks at the windows again!”

He gritted his teeth, eyes narrowing as he heard the glass crack from the other side of the house. How he wanted to burn them all but punishing or, heavens forbid, slaughtering a few children would make them better behaved as a whole. The worse the kids were, the more everybody in town suffered.

Why, just the other day, he’d seen a few teenagers stealing an entire slushie machine from the convenience store.

He knelt down beside Rod and Todd and pulled them into a reassuring hug. “Don’t you worry about those boys, alright? I know they seem scary and intimidating now but remember, God will always protect us. You just have to have faith.”

They nodded their heads and buried their faces into his sweater before deciding by themselves to read a few pages of their bible. They hopped up to go find one and Ned wondered if maybe he’d made a slight mistake with how Christian he’d raised them. Certainly seemed more ironic with each passing day.

Maude smiled at him as he stood. “They’re so sweet.”

“Aren’t they?”

“I think we did a good job,” she said. “By the way, I’m going to our book club a little later so do you want to drop them off with a sitter? I made some sugar-free, flour-free brownies and everybody’s going to have to eat some to be polite.”

Ned chuckled. “You’re crueler than the devil himself, you know that? I can watch the boys though, so we don’t need a sitter.”

She smiled and playfully bumped her hip against his. “I was thinking that while I’m with my friends, you can take the reverend on a few errands with you. Helen really wants him to get out more.”

Ned laughed and agreed. The benefits from being from Hell ranged from easily terrorizing his favourite humans all the way to lower taxes. And he did love tormenting the town’s pastor who seemed to be getting more and more exhausted of him by the day.

He pressed a sweet kiss to her cheek before he disappeared with a puff, arranging for a sitter who could come watch the kids. It was a shame they had to drive there but on a street with the incredibly observant Helen Lovejoy and the paranoid neighbour who lived close to them, they needed to take the long route. He didn’t blame said neighbour though. Anybody would be jumpy with that many stolen goods in their home.

His sweater felt a little scratchy that day when they left the kids with a young demon who had nothing better to do and a healthy fear of him. It was the best way to know nothing would happen to the boys.

No demon wanted to experience his anger if his children got hurt.

Maude knocked and they waited patiently outside the Lovejoy’s house, both noticing the open window with sheets tied together that led from Jessica’s room. They exchanged glances but no words until Helen opened the door, her smile decidedly fake.

“Hi-diddly-ho, Helen,” Ned greeted. “Maude told me this book of yours is a real tear-jerker so I brought you all some tissues.”

Maude wrapped her arms tightly around Helen’s waist, hugging the other woman in greeting before she held out the platter. “And I brought my favourite brownies! I tried something new with the recipe this time.”

Helen smiled though the excitement didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Sugar-free?”

“Of course.”

Ned leaned down to give Maude a kiss on the cheek. “Have a good day, dear. I’ll be back around dinner time to steal you again.”

“Thank you,” she smiled. “And good luck with everything. Are you sure you don’t want company or anything?”

“I’ll be fine-diddly-doo. You enjoy your book.”

Helen’s attention had been caught. She couldn’t resist digging for information, even if it turned out to be awfully boring. “Are you up to something fun today?”

“My mother’s coming into town so we want to get her a small gift,” Maude filled in. “Neddy wants to pick it out himself but you know, I always worry because he gets so flustered about this kind of thing.”

Ned chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “I just want to make sure I get the right thing.”

Helen’s fake smile gave way for a real one as she had an idea. “Well, why don’t you take Time with you? My mother’s always coming over so he has plenty of experience and it’s not like he’s doing anything important today. He’s just playing with his trains.”

“Are you sure he wouldn’t mind? I’ve got to admit, I wouldn’t mind the help.”

“Of course, he won’t mind. Why don’t you come in while I fetch him?”

Maude smiled at him as she went to put her brownies down in the kitchen, giving him a small peck on the lips as she went past. The other guests hadn’t arrived yet. Ned had wanted to get there as early as was polite to make sure Helen helped them out.

If the reverend wasn’t able to go though, Ned had been eyeing out the mayor of the neighbouring town for a deal. Or if that fell through, Mr. Burns was always an easy target.

He could hear a faint argument and he stepped ever-so-slightly closer to listen without anybody noticing. Maude waved at him from the kitchen and he waved back, curious.

“Helen, we agreed that this would be my uninterrupted time with my trains.”

“But I already promised Ned you’d be willing to help and it would be great for you to get out for a while. What if the other ladies start feeling jealous that my husband is here? Next thing you know, Marge brings that awful Homer Simpson over.”

“It’s my house. I live here.”

“Do you have to be so difficult?”

“How am I meant to know what to buy his mother-in-law?”

“Get her the same thing you’d get for my mother.”

“Like poison?”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

Ned chuckled and strolled back to the front entrance when Helen reappeared with a promise that her husband would be out soon. It didn’t take long for him to drag his way up the stairs with an expression on his face that suggested he might be praying for salvation. It was too bad that Ned’s existence blocked off a good amount of divinity.

“Howdidly doodily Reverend,” he greeted despite the glare it earned him. “It’s such a beautiful day, don’t you think? Just filled to the brim with opportunity.”

“Truly.”

Ned’s smile was blinding as he bid goodbye to the two ladies. He kept up a stream of near endless and useless chatter the entire time he drove. Reverend Lovejoy barely responded to him but Ned made sure to intersperse enough questions to ensure the man couldn’t tune him out entirely.

Ned already knew what he wanted as ‘gift’ but he made sure to walk around the store and contemplated just about everything before he came to the selection of Bibles and hummed in appreciation.

He picked out two near identical ones with close prices and stared at them, contemplating which to buy with occasional muttered opinion.

“Ned, I believe those bibles are exactly the same,” Reverend Lovejoy told him after about two minutes passed.

“There’s a two-cent difference in the prices though,” Ned said and pointed to the sign. “There must be something missing from the cheapest one. What if I buy it for my mother-in-law and it’s missing two cents of content. I don’t think I’d forgive myself.”

“Buy her the more expensive one then.”

“But what if they haven’t taken anything out of this one and have instead added stuff to it instead?” Ned asked, sure to sound panicked. “What if they added something to the text.”

Reverend Lovejoy stared at him blandly. “I sincerely doubt that would have happened.”

“The devil works in all ways,” Ned said. “I don’t know if I can take that risk. Could you read this one and tell me if there’s anything untoward in it before I buy it?”

“You want me to read through the entire bible right now? In the store?”

“Well, the way I figure it, if anybody’s going to know if there’s something hidden it the pages, it’ll probably be you.”

“You can also get her both and then if she finds something strange or missing from one, you just replace it.”

Ned tapped on his chin as though thinking about it. “That sounds like a mighty fine idea but I don’t know if I want a possibly butchered bible in my house at all. God has been a little more sharp-eyed as of late, especially after we flicked to the wrong channel the other day. You remember it right?”

“You did call about it.”

“I wonder if she read through the last bible I got her or if she only read part of it…”

“Have you ever considered getting her a different gift?”

Ned took his time looking around the shop. There wasn’t really anything else fun – just a few incorrect psalms etched into mugs and dishtowels. He’d love to get one for Maude’s mother but he didn’t know her favourite, he told the reverend.

Honestly, one day he should buy something like this for Maude’s mother as a joke. He could imagine how she’d laugh at the idea.

“Oh, this one is almost in the same shade of blue as the one you used last week,” Ned said, eagerly picking up a third. “But it’s a whole dollar more. Boy for that price, I’d be expecting a new verse toward the back, wouldn’t you?”

“Sure.”

“Which bible do you use for sermons?”

“I… can’t remember.”

They could always stop by the library and pick it up but Ned felt that would be a little too cruel for now. Instead, he put all three back and nodded his head. “We should go look at a few other stores to make sure we’re not being ripped off.”

“I really don’t think that’s necessary.”

“No, no, you have to be careful. No sense in wasting money.”

Meanwhile, Maude gasped politely behind her hand after Luann finished her rant about how she hadn’t finished the book because of her husband’s childish tantrums. It sounded as though getting remarried had ruined their relationship exactly like it had the first time. She couldn’t help but feel bad for that poor child of theirs.

“I thought things would be different this time but he’s just as much of a loser now,” Luann complained. “It’s so frustrating. I just want to strangle him sometimes.”

“Men never learn,” Marge said sympathetically and put a hand on her shoulder. “I can’t begin to count how many times I ask Homer to do things nicely and he ends up completely forgetting. He can’t even remember my birthday.”

“Not all men are like that,” Maude defended. “Ned is great about those things.”

Bernice nodded in agreement. “Julius too. The biggest thing we fight over is him wearing his doctor’s coat out all the time.”

“They also fight about her day drinking,” Helen whispered, leaning in close so only Maude could hear her.

Maude giggled. She’d wanted to be friends with Helen from the day they arrived in Springfield and she couldn’t help but be proud of the accomplishment. The woman had more power over the people in this town than most imagined. The fear of getting into Springfield’s gossip mill kept many on her side.

Maude took advantage of that. Neddy liked to torment through pestering and an ever-happy grin but Maude preferred a subtler approach. Nobody ever suspected she might be the way Helen found out so many private details.

After all, how could a regular person know what went on in their homes?

“Maybe we should have some of the baked goods?” she recommended to Helen. “I think everybody could use a bite of something sweet to help settle the nerves before we talk about the book.”

“Of course,” Helen said. “I cannot wait to taste those brownies.”

Such a lie. One day, Maude would make actual brownies and they’d all be hilariously surprised.

Helen grumbled under her breath when they entered the kitchen and immediately began snatching various catalogues off the counters. She shoved them into an overflowing drawer nearby with great effort. “I’m going to burn all of this nonsense one day,” she complained. “I keep telling Tim to leave his train stuff in the basement but he never listens.”

“It’s sweet he has a hobby though,” Maude mentioned and leaned against the table. “Neddy doesn’t really have anything like that aside from reading the bible.”

Maybe they should choose a more obvious hobby. She enjoyed having the reputation of being the bland, boring family in town, but eventually somebody might wonder what they do during the day and tormenting townsfolk never sounded good on record.

She did want to cause some ripples soon. Maybe she would fake her own death? If it wasn’t for the kids, she’d eagerly do it in a second. Imagine…

“At least reading the bible doesn’t send your electricity bill through the roof,” Helen griped.

“It can when Ned gets to a really exciting part of it and he just can’t stop turning the pages. Once, he stayed up the whole night without even realising.”

She should read the bible again to keep up her charade. She had no idea how Ned had managed to remember all those verses and passages when the most he did was flip through the pages in between signing deals and cashing in on them.

Helen sighed and took out a few large plates to put things out on. “It’s rather funny, don’t you think? We complain all the time about our husbands but it could be far worse. I can’t imagine living a life like Marge’s.”

Maude shuddered dramatically. “I feel so sorry for her.”

Although years of living alongside the Simpsons had helped her realise Homer wasn’t all bad, she still didn’t like the man much. His children were menaces also and she hated inviting the family over even when Ned asked her to.

“And Luann’s husband somehow managed to be even worse. I think he must have stalked her the entire time they were divorced.”

“That’s very sad,” Maude said though she didn’t mean it in a pitying way. “I feel so sorry for their kid. He probably needs far more attention than they give him.”

Helen scoffed and rolled her eyes. “It’s pathetic really. I don’t think Luann’s mentioned him once today.”

Maude did find it hypocritical for Helen to lecture anybody about not paying attention to their kids when her own daughter was far worse than any of the town’s hoodlums. Jessica wasn’t a bad child deep down but Maude had never gotten the opportunity to properly speak to the poor thing. She wasn’t often home or at events with her family.

Helen hadn’t mentioned her daughter either though she did leave one brownie in the tin, likely for either Jessica or Tim. Maude winced. She didn’t want to eat the things herself.

“He has a crush on Marge’s girl, Lisa,” Maude offered, providing enough gossip for Helen to be happy. “But from what Todd saw, I think she’s more interested in one of those crass boys who terrorise everybody.”

“Oh really?” Helen asked. “Gets her taste in men from her mother.”

“Obviously.”

Maude brought the cupcakes from Bernice and Helen carried out the brownies when she noticed the light in the basement had been left on. She mentioned it to Helen who quickly hurried down the stairs to turn it off, muttering the whole way.

Maude peered down curiously, only getting a brief glimpse of the massive collection of model trains before everything plunged into darkness.

“His collection has grown since I last saw it,” she commented to Helen. “It’s almost impressive.”

Helen rolled her eyes. “Of course, it has. It’s the real love of his life, don’t you know? The other day, I saw a receipt for flowers and I got so happy, only to find out they were fake miniatures for the grass next to the train. We haven’t been on a date in forever but he’s there every day.”

She was keeping her voice down to make sure nobody else heard. A lot of her superiority came from the idea of her life being better than the other woman she surrounded herself with. Maude had a strong suspicion she was the only one who knew about Helen’s true feelings surrounding her marriage.

And the more she thought of it, the more of an opportunity she saw.

“Maybe we should go on a double date,” Maude said. “We can do something we’ve never done before like go on a camping trip or a hike. Wouldn’t that be lovely?”

Helen’s eyes brightened at the promise. “Oh, I don’t camp but I do know where this lovely little log cabin is we can rent. It would be amazing! You could even bring the boys if you wanted to.”

“They’ll be so excited! They’ve been getting much better with nature lately.”

Maude watched Helen carefully for the rest of the day, appreciating how her expressions stayed neutral even when she was irritated or smug. She couldn’t even deny that Helen was quite pretty when you looked past the judgmental sneer.

When Ned picked her up, she had a plan in mind.

Tim looked awfully unimpressed as he marched back inside his house, rubbing his temples as though a headache had formed over the day. Three bibles sat on the front seat and she laughed and she put them in the back after they’d driven away. Ned’s day had been a stunning success it would seem and she was mulling over offering Luann a deal.

“I have a brilliant idea,” she cooed as they made their way home. “I thought about it while I was talking to Helen.”

Ned raised an eyebrow at her; the very edges of his horns were beginning to poke through and she laughed, pushing them back down. It usually meant he was using some of his more demonic forces to watch the road while paying attention to her.

“You know I love your ideas,” he said.

“The Lovejoys have been going through a rough patch in their marriage,” Helen said. “And I think we could help them out in a more… physically fun way.”

Ned chuckled almost demonically. She wouldn’t even run a contract by him so this must be something far more interesting. “And how will we do that?”

“I just think they could use another avenue to release their frustrations.”

He inclined his head to her. “Well, that does sound like the best diddly idea I’ve heard all day. So neighborly of you and I know your devilish temptations are strong enough to charm just about any man.”

Maude preened beneath the praise. She knew she had talent when it came to drawing men’s eyes to her but no, she had no interest in seducing the Reverend. He’d never been that interesting to her. Not like Helen was.

“I’m thinking more about his wife.”

“You want to seduce Helen Lovejoy?”

“I want to try,” Maude said. “I like her Neddy and I think it would be great fun. Her soul would practically be mine after that. She’d have to sign a contract rather than let it get out.”

He chuckled. “Now, you don’t have to lie and say it’s for a contract. If we get one out of this, all the better but you know you’re allowed to have your fun without stealing any souls.”

“And I want you to seduce her husband.”

There, Ned hesitated. He tilted the car’s mirror down to look at himself, wrinkled his nose and frowned. “I don’t know about that. Maybe if I’d chosen a better form but… not this one.”

Maude rolled her eyes. “Are you joking? You’ve taken your shirt off before, right? This form is delicious.”

“Maybe to those who like men but I don’t think the reverend of a church is going to let his gaze wander to me,” Ned said. “You, I think, might have a chance.”

Did she notice a hint of jealousy in his tone? Her attention hooked, she leaned forward to ask, “Do you find him attractive?”

Ned scoffed. “Obviously. Why do you think I bother him as much as I do.”

“Then why not try? If he’s not interested, you leave it to me and I’ll just swoop Helen right out from under him. Best case scenario, we end up with only one soul rather than two but I have some stories from Helen that suggest you might have a better chance than you think.”

He shrugged. “I suppose there’s no harm in it. We should try not to get our names too messy though. I don’t want to have to move towns.”

“I promise. I’m a very smart devil.”

Ned smiled proudly at her. “That you are and hey, I’ve always rather liked those collars he wears.”

This work was inspired by this absolutely stunning artwork:

#the simpsons fanfiction #the simpsons #the simpsons fanart #ned flanders #maude flanders #devil ned flanders #reverend lovejoy #helen lovejoy #flanjoy

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marigoldsinamber · 3 months

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The Devils on the Pew - Part 2

Summary:

Ned Flanders is a devil, a demon, Satan, whatever you want to call him. And his gorgeous wife is too.

Ships: Devil!Ned Flanders/Reverend Lovejoy, Devil!Ned Flanders/Devil!Maude Flanders, Devil!Maude Flanders/Helen Lovejoy

Content Warnings: I suppose OOC for canon-Flanders but not for demon-Flanders.

Word Count: 3.7k

⋘ 𝑙𝑜𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑎... ⋙

The log cabin was cute. Maude imagined it hadn’t seen a thorough clean in several years but she understood why Helen would prefer it to a tent still. There was a warmth to the aging furniture and barely working fireplace. Though she did want to give the chimney a good sweep before she dared to use that.

She left Ned to distract the boys as she headed in first, armed with a duster and certain to find as many insects as she could.

She shook the heavy green curtains clear of moths, chased the various beetles out from beneath the dark brown couches, and shood the spiders away from their homes in the rafters.

Helen laughed when she entered the kitchen to find Maude busy in the pan cabinet, wiping out some of the dust. “My sister mentioned she hadn’t used the place in a while.”

Maude smiled affectionately. “It’s so quaint. I spoke to the boys and they’re very happy to share a room with Jessica. You don’t have to worry about a thing when it comes to them.”

The only problem presented by the cabin arrived when Helen called, disgruntled and unimpressed because Jessica had been coming with them. With two rooms and a fold-out couch, the house didn’t really have enough space but Maude had spoken to her boys and they agreed they could share one of the twin beds in the spare room.

They were young enough for Helen not to worry too much but even the mention of her daughter wiped the smile from her face. Apparently, the drive hadn’t been the greatest experience.

“She also promised to behave,” Helen said firmly. “She didn’t want to come but she’s chased away almost every babysitter by now. I even asked Marge, if you’ll believe it, but she said no. Her son apparently has some issue with Jessica.”

Maude couldn’t imagine why. “It might be good for her to experience some nature,” she reassured. “I’m sure it’s the stress from school that’s getting her worked up.”

Helen offered her a gracious smile and started unpacking some of the food they’d brought. “Most likely.”

Maude kicked off her shoes and grabbed one of the nearby chairs, climbing atop it to reach above the kitchen cabinets for spiders. When she still proved too short, she took a weary step onto the countertop, wincing as it creaked beneath her. A rather large cricket leapt away from her cleaning and she stretched to reach the crevices.

“Oh, what are you doing up there?” Helen asked, immediately rushing over to help. Her hands hovered at Maude’s sides, trying to balance her better. “Be careful.”

Maude smiled thankfully and, with backup if she fell, finished dusting the last cabinet. “My boys and Neddy are all so nervous around bugs. I want to get them all out before they come inside so we can get them to bed easier.”

“Well don’t break your back,” Helen laughed.

She offered Maude a hand, holding her steady as she climbed down her makeshift ladder. Once her feet were back on the floor, Maude smiled, their hands still together for a second longer than they needed to be.

“Thank you,” she said.

“Don’t climb on too much of this furniture. You have no idea how old it is,” Helen lectured though she kept her smile.

Maude laughed. “I’ll try to avoid it in the future.” She made her way to the kitchen window which gave her quite a fight as she pushed it open, calling through, “Boys, you can bring your bags in now! It’s all clear.”

Rod and Todd immediately jumped up to listen, hurrying away from the side of the car where Jessica had been standing. Maybe they were trying to be friends but Maude somehow doubted it. She’d watched the Simpson kids play around for long enough to recognise when a child was up to something.

And Jessica was looking for trouble.

“You know, I wouldn’t really mind if you took the master room with Ned,” Helen offered. “Tim will complain about whichever bed we’re in.”

Maude smiled and shook her head. “Oh, it’s perfectly fine. Neddy and I are more than happy to take the couch, we even brought an extra blanket or two. I’m only hoping his sleep praying doesn’t wake everybody up.”

“He does that?”

“Most days.”

They giggled to each other and then her boys entered so she hurried to help them. Helen watched her almost fondly and a small flare of pride danced in her chest at the knowledge of her plan slowly working. At least, she really hoped it was. Helen was looking quite pretty in a soft blue dress down to her calves.

Now she just needed to Ned to somehow draw Timothy’s attention if he could work out how to stop annoying the man so much.

Ned was, admittedly, somewhat distracted though as he was quite sure he’d packed his suitcase in the morning but a second inspection of the car still left him pretty darn empty handed. Where could it have gone to? He’d seen Homer walking past his car in the morning but, while he wouldn’t put it past his neighbour to have nabbed something small, an entire bag seemed a wee bit unplausible.

Well, he might have to teleport back there and see if he could find it when he got a second.

He heard a huff and glanced around the side of his car to find Jessica struggling with her bag which honestly, seemed a bit large for a long weekend. “Can I help you carry your bag in?” he offered but she shook her head.

“No. I’ve got this.”

“Okily-dokily. Just don’t hurt yourself.”

Strange child. He took Maude’s bag and a few of his emergency medical supplies (he had two, one for the car and one for inside) before he locked the doors and made his way toward the front of the cabin where the reverend stood on the porch, staring into the trees.

“This is really lovely, isn’t it?” he asked, cheery mood a sharp contrast to the other man’s sullen stare. “I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend this long weekend than wrapped up in the great Lord’s creation. Almost makes me want to break out into hymns.”

“Indeed.”

“Who’ll be looking after the church this Sunday if you’re out here with us?”

The reverend shrugged. “I’m sure they have a substitute buried somewhere. Otherwise, I imagine there isn’t too great of a difference. The congregation can sleep through a sermon just as well if I’m not there.”

Ned chuckled. “We do have a lot of sleepers at the moment, don’t we. It’s good they enjoy the word so much but I do wish there was a smidge less snoring. It can really grate on a fella’s nerves, especially when he’s been up all night.”

The reverend made a non-committal sound and Ned decided to try make conversation a little later. He’d barely brought his bags in, preparing to explain away his absence with a walk through nature, when he heard the frantic calls of his boys, shouting for help form behind their bedroom door.

Maude had her ear pressed against the oak, trying to reassure, “It’s alright, boys. The spider can’t hurt you if you stay away from it. Are you sure that the door’s locked and not just jammed?”

“We checked!” Rod said, panicky. “When the monster in the woods let the spider through the window, it must have stolen the key!”

“Monster in the woods?” Ned asked as he approached.

Maude’s lips were pressed into a thin line as she glanced toward Jessica. “Yes. It seems that a spider magically flew through the window and closed it.”

Jessica was sitting on the couch, drawing circles with her foot, and looking awfully bored with life. Alright then. Ned didn’t imagine she’d have had much of an issue slipping a spider into his boys’ room without them looking.

“Maybe the hinges have just stuck?” Helen suggested. “I can’t find any key in the cupboards.”

Ned shouldered the door twice but it didn’t move; definitely locked and not just jammed. Dust rained down on his head and he coughed, brushing the filth off his glasses. “I can’t take the door off from this side either,” he said. “I didn’t bring the tools for it.”

“Can they climb out through the windows?” Helen asked but a wail from the other side of the door reminded them that that was where the spider was.

“Did you boys see a key when you went in there to unpack?” Ned called.

“There was one on the table,” Rod said. “But I looked for it and now it’s gone.”

“Daddy, are we going to starve in here?” Todd asked, his voice a soft whisper.

Ned smiled sadly and tried to calm his sons through the door as best he could. “No, no. Nobody’s going to starve. Just try to keep your voices down and we’ll find the key for you as quick as we can.”

“Somebody must have taken that key,” Maude said and almost in perfect unison, the three adults turned to look at Jessica.

She crossed her arms and glared at them. “I don’t want to share the room with those two babies. They’re going to be crying through the entire night.”

“You’ll probably find they cry less if you don’t scare them,” Ned said, trying to keep them calm. “The boys are just a little sensitive to things like bugs but if you speak to them, I’m sure you’ll find they’re the best-diddly-est roommates a girl could ask for.”

“Why can’t I have the whole room?”

Ned chuckled awkwardly. “Well, there’s just not enough space for everybody then.”

“Reasoning with her is pointless,” Helen said, already looking perpetually exhausted. “Jessica, give us the key. Now.”

“I don’t have it.”

Maude stepped forward and Ned let her take the lead before his own anger boiled up. He could practically feel the flames of his powers boiling beneath the surface, agitation lending itself naturally to the more devilish tendencies. Maybe he’d become too protective of his fake family.

“Jessica, I know you’d rather have the whole room to yourself but there’s just not enough space,” Maude explained, her voice soft though Ned could hear her annoyance. “Rod and Todd won’t disappear because you’ve locked them up. They’re excited to share the room you know and they’ll be on their best behaviour.”

Jessica looked away, not immune to Maude’s persuasive nature. She came off so gentle to others but Ned knew her anger lasted longer than even his. She’d never really bought into the idea of forgiveness.

“They’re really scared of spiders,” Maude said. “If we let them out now, they’ll probably quieten down by bedtime at least. Otherwise, well, they might be awake the whole night.”

Jessica looked at the three adults slowly before she sighed and pulled a key out from her pocket. “I was just messing with them.”

Ned took the key and unlocked the door in record time, freeing his children who both immediately ran to him, latching onto his sides and hiding from the spider. Maude slipped into the room to get rid of it and he walked past where Helen was lecturing her daughter to get them outside.

They bumped into the reverend as they opened the door who seemed to finally have decided to come looking for the commotion.

“It looks like Jessica’s a little upset that she has to share the room,” Ned explained as he stepped through.

“Is that all?”

“Well, she did lock my boys in the room so they were panicking a little. Maybe you could talk to her about it?”

Ned offered both of them an affectionate look. Rod had latched onto his left arm while Todd had the right, their grips tight and their skin pale. It was a shame they hated insects as much as he did. It made life quite frustrating.

The reverend rolled his eyes and went back to staring at the trees. “I may as well speak to the clouds for how much she’d listen. That girl does whatever she wants.”

Ned pressed his lips into a thin line, trying not to agree verbally. She was one of those bad eggs like Bart Simpson; constantly destroying property and causing trouble wherever she went.

“Do we have to share a room with her daddy?” Rod asked, voice small. “Can’t we sleep in the bed with mommy and you?”

“Why, I don’t quite know that we’d all fit,” Ned said with a small laugh. “The couch is already a little small.”

They both looked as though they were about to start crying and Ned pursed his lips to think of a solution. The couch was small but maybe he could take Helen up on her offer and take the master bedroom? That way, he could probably set up some blankets on the floor and sleep next to the bed.

“Maybe we should pray on it?” Todd asked. “God will know what to do.”

If they were using divine powers then Ned could easily deal with the situation himself. Grow the bed a little or maybe even jump home and sleep in his own room. Actually, that might be an option as long as he was back before anybody else woke up.

“What a good idea! Join us, reverend?”

The reverend looked utterly exhausted but he took Ned’s hand regardless and Ned smiled coyly at the sky while he recited the words that had become almost drone-like to him.

And maybe it did work because Maude had a solution by the time that dinner was served. One that benefited both their boys and their plan.

“If we push the beds together, I can share the twin room with the boys,” she said. “Helen could share the other room with Jessica and then the two of you could maybe share the couch, if you don’t mind awfully much?”

Ned looked up at her, humoured and immediately spotting the comical glint in her eye. Oh, she had worked this out perfectly. Brilliant.

“If that would make everybody happier, you know I don’t mind at all!” Ned said with a smile.

Jessica looked up at her name but switched back to pushing her food around on her plate when she caught the glare of her mother. At least she appeared more placid now as she often did when her parents were upset with her.

Maybe he’d been living next to the Simpsons for too long but Ned rather liked the idea of having somebody watching her at night. He never trusted troublemakers in the early hours of the morning anymore.

The reverend though, didn’t seem to agree.

“Now, I don’t see that as necessary,” he hurried to say. “I’m know Jessica had a brief lapse in judgement but there’s no need to change sleeping arrangement for that.”

Rod and Todd shuffled closer to their parents at the suggestion of sleeping in the same room as her. Ned sighed. Another thing he’d need to consider before putting them to bed would be the threat of little girls releasing spiders in the room.

“Tim, you know she gets like this sometimes,” Helen said, trying to convince. “She’ll be happier sharing with me. Girls at her age are always awkward around boys.”

“It’s not because they’re boys,” Jessica defended.

Helen waved her hand and gave the rest of the table a very unsubtle wink. “It’ll only be for a few nights and Maude reassured me that Ned sleeps like a log.”

“That I do. Why, I never move an inch.”

The reverend looked like he wanted to argue more but his wife had made up her mind and Ned learned very early on that Helen stuck things out. If she wanted to share a room with her daughter, that was how it would be for the next few days.

Maude cleaned up after dinner and shooed off anybody who tried to help, getting them to prepare for bed while she swept through the kitchen. She’d started to delight in menial household tasks and, as she packed away leftovers, realised that she could surprise everybody with some of the sugar-free desserts she’d brought.

Though she had put the boys to sleep already and dessert would make them far too much of a handful. That didn’t mean she couldn’t have something small.

Beneath her flavorless ice, she took out her tub of ice cream and stole a scoop with a hum. Delicious. She knew Neddy wanted to keep temptation away from their boys (ironic, wasn’t it) but he couldn’t fault her snacks.

A small gasp made her spin quickly. Helen looked far too smug as she spotted the ice cream tub. “Maude Flanders, are you eating ice cream?”

Maude lowered the spoon from her mouth and shook her head but the damage had been done. Helen swiped the container from her hands before she could defend herself and playfully gasped again. “Chocolate chip? How could you?”

Maude shushed her, glancing at the door to make sure the children didn’t hear. “Oh, Helen, you can’t tell anybody. The boys are an awful menace on sugar.”

Helen laughed. “Does this mean you know how proper brownies are meant to taste and you’ve still been giving me the sugar-free kind? Shame on you.”

Maude blushed. “Well, I only bring sugar-free brownies to your book clubs and some of the members really don’t need it.”

Helen glowed with happiness at the small dig. She did so love being made to feel better than the other women in town and really, Maude couldn’t fault her for it. She was already far prettier than the rest of them.

She stole Maude’s spoon from her hand and stole a bite of ice cream, smiling all the while. “Don’t worry, your secrets are safe with me.”

Maude didn’t believe her for a second but she smiled anyway. “I’ll buy your silence with more chocolate chip when we get home.”

“Make it rocky road. I’m more of a marshmallow person.” Helen sighed and leaned against one of the counters. “Your boys want to sleep on the couch so I’ve put the two men in the master bedroom.”

“Oh? How come?”

“I think they’re quite scared of the spiders. I do hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. I’m sure Neddy will set everything up.”

Ned took his time in doing so, checking the bed for anything that might bite or nip in the night. He collected his spare blankets from Maude’s bag and brought them in, setting up his side of the bed.

Something about it made him feel almost nervous. As though sharing a bed meant anything at all. He couldn’t help but smile, knowing this could help him move forward with his plan.

If he played his cards right.

“Do you really need more blankets?” the reverend asked, dull as ever. “It’s the middle of summer.”

He hadn’t moved to change or unpack, still wearing a tie and dress shoes as though he planned to sleep in them. Helen had chased him into the room to get ready for bed but since then, he’d been standing rather awkwardly in the corner as though he’d rather be anywhere else in the world.

“The more layers, the more the mosquitos have to fight through if they want to bite you,” Ned said with a firm nod. “I know the bible says we should love all creatures but I don’t want to make their jobs any easier.”

“I don’t believe the bible speaks of mosquitos at all.”

One of the worst things Ned had ever come up against was mosquitoes. It actually impressed him how they were found with humans rather than in hell where, to be quite honest, they belonged. Right alongside footlongs, kumquats, and the post office.

He would know, after all.

“I think my boys will just be happy to not have to sleep alone,” he admitted with a chuckle. “Why, I already think we’re going to be dealing with nightmares for the weekend if their mother isn’t with them.”

The reverend frowned at the bed. “I suppose. Should I create the wall of pillows?”

Ned raised an eyebrow. A wall of pillows? It felt awfully childish but also somewhat endearing. “If you want to, go right ahead. Do you mind if I get changed? I think Helen’s busy in the bathroom.”

“If you must.”

Ned ignored the sarcasm and pulled off his sweater to get changed. Though he knew modesty was preached in the bible, he’d never seen much of a reason to worry about people seeing his body. He worked hard to keep it in such good condition after all but he did forget that while his neighbours may have seen the product of his efforts, the reverend certainly wouldn’t have.

It sounded like he was coughing on something and Ned spun quickly to make sure he wasn’t dying. The faint pink flush on his cheeks and the surprise in his eyes gave away the reason pretty quickly though.

Well, perhaps Ned was wrong. Maybe the reverend wouldn’t be immune to his more devilish charms if his chest alone got him that reaction.

“Something wrong?” he asked. “Do you need water?”

“No,” the reverend huffed though he sounded hoarse. “I’m going to get changed.”

He grabbed his clothes from his suitcase and hurried from the room, leaving Ned to laugh at the situation. Oh, that wasn’t even intentionally brilliant. He reached out with his tail and locked the door, transforming into his regular self for a quick stretch.

His hooves clopped against the floor as he made his way to the mirror, twisting his head to the side so he could polish his horns quickly. At least now he got a chance to do that.

Having fur meant he should really brush it before bed but that would take suspiciously long and if the reverend was coming back soon, he shouldn’t risk it by staying as a devil. He couldn’t help it though. Sometimes, it felt too claustrophobic to be wedged into his human appearance.

A shadow moved in the window and he transformed back instantly, adjusting his glasses as he quietly made his way to the glass.

He stuck his head out the window. A soft wind rustled the bushes beneath him and tickled the edges of his mustache as he stared into the darkness. Nothing. It could have easily been a bat.

A mosquito buzzed past his face and his eyes narrowed. A flick of his hand ignited the tiny parasite; its body erupted into flames and drifted down to the wooden floor of the cabin, extinguishing itself.

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