#despite all my rage I am still just cicada screams | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

imperfectperfections607 · 5 years

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Kim Taehyung; Stigma

If we could turn back the clock, where should we go back to? Once we reach that place, can all our mistakes and errors be undone? Will happiness be ours forever?

When I close my eyes, I can remember everything that happened. The feeling of warm blood coating my hands. The iron, copper smell that tainted the air. The way my hands trembled like a newborn fawn’s legs. My heart was racing in my chest, a stampede of stallions across the midwestern plains.

Everything felt as if I was standing on the sidelines, watching everything unfold. Through the looking glass. Warbled and jumbled. I heard the sounds of the struggle. I felt the way my body trembled with anger. With fear.

I heard my mother scream. I heard the sound of her trembling voice, broken and cracked with fear. It tore through my barrier of numb, shredding the last of careful wall I had built as I stood outside the apartment door that the rancid smell of alcohol was so strong I could taste it coating my tongue.

And the utter hatred that raced up my gut, stealing my breathe, and tinting my vision red. In some distant part of my mind, I screamed that I wasn’t this person. That this rage isn’t mine. But my legs were moving, striding forward with a darkened purpose.

I shoved the door open with my hand. My mother was crying, arm over her face and her mouth moving in a plea that was falling on my father’s deaf ears as he yelled. Spittle flew from his lips. There was that dangerous gleam in his eye, glaring down at my mother who begged and pleaded.

He yelled something at her. I couldn’t make it out over the thundering of my own heart in my chest, the way my blood felt hot in my veins. Burning through my body like liquid flames as I burst into the room.

I watched as his head turned to me, that cruel smirk donning his features and eyes glassy from the drinks curdling in his head. But the smirk. The one he wore when he beat me in the late hours of the night, until my body is black and blue, and the way my mother screams and whimpers when his fists turn to her.

The smirk I so badly wanted to wipe from his face.

I ran forward. I wasn't thinking. I wasn’t even breathing. It was like slow motion unfolding right in front of me as I shoved him away. I felt hot all over, like the room was closing in on just me and him.

All the hatred. All the anger was bubbling up from my gut. I was so tired. So tired of pretending. I didn’t mean for my hand to get around the glass shard from his broken bottle. I didn’t mean to feel the way it bit into my skin like a soft, ominous warning.

I didn’t mean for my arm to move when he grabbed it, his grip harsh and bruising. I didn’t mean for the hatred to tunnel my vision and blur everything around me as I let out a cry and slammed the piece into the soft flesh of his gut.

Again.

And again.

And… again.

The stench of the blood was everywhere. It coated my hands in thick droplets, staining my tan skin scarlet and even then I couldn’t hear past the roaring in my ears. I couldn’t hear the way my mother screamed.

I couldn’t hear anything past my panic. I dropped the shard. My hands shook. I could only stare at them, stare at the floor beneath as the crimson liquid spread from the body. Blood was all over my white shirt.

Blood.

The shard fell to the ground, breaking off in tinier pieces. I was panting. Gasping, maybe, I am not sure. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the body. I couldn’t move even when my mother was in the corner, sobbing and trembling.

A part of me wanted to go to her. But the other part… the bigger part of me… wanted to run. To flee. To escape the blood. Escape the mess. Escape the fact the blood was staining my hands.

And I guess that part won.

I don’t remember running. I don’t remember anything other than the fear that was coursing so heavily through my veins. Urging my legs faster. Farther. Stronger. It pushed me through the city streets. Towards the only place I knew.

I knew that place. Our place. An old abandoned swimming pool by an old building that no one really knew about anymore. Overgrown with weeds and plants, littered with graffiti. It was the place where laughter ran rampant.

The place where we hid from our problems and pretended that just for a moment, those problems didn’t exist past our own bubble. Our bubble of warmth, friendship, and understanding. Of love.

I don’t know how I got there. Huddled in the back part of the building where white cement taunted me with it’s cleanliness. Just two black lines of graffiti that climbed up the little lines.

I don’t know how long I sat on the worn out mattress that smelled of mildew and regret, anguish from it’s long forgotten owners. I don’t know how long I remained, staring absently at the dirty floor.

Five minutes? Ten? A day? Two days?

Maybe not that long, since the blood on my hands hadn’t dried. It was still scarlet on my shirt. Warm tears fell from my lashes as I raised my hands. I stared at my long fingers, at the blood tainting them.

A mewl fell from my lips as I grappled for the water bottle by my side, grasping it’s cool edges and uncapping it. I poured it over my hands. I rubbed. I scraped. I desperately wanted the blood gone from my face and white shirt where the splatters mocked me.

I cleaned and scrubbed. The afternoon sunlight filtered through the broken window by my side. The cicadas are screaming, the birds singing in the distance as I work. The tears kept falling. Dripping salt down my stained cheeks.

And then I saw his face. My hands grappled for my cell phone. My fingers punched the number I knew better than my own cell phone number as I pressed it against my ear. I heard the dial ringing. The sound echoing in my skull.

But… I never got the click.

“Hyung… help me…”

And maybe that's why I decided to die. I barely remember stepping close to the edge. I barely remember falling. I only remember the sound of my body hitting the water. Of the cold water surrounding me like a freezing blanket and the way I forgotten which way was up and which way was down.

The water clung to me. It’s freezing depths stealing all my thoughts. There was no sound. There was nothing under the water’ s tantalizing depths. I could barely even hear my own heart. Everything around me slowed.

And then the first tick of desperation brushed my mind. My lungs started to plead. Softly at first, little hiccups. But then, with the darkness surrounding me, they started to screamed. They wanted air. But I didn’t.

My limbs kicked. Flailed. Thrashed. My body fought, but my mind was calm as I turned my head, air bubbles leaving my mouth. I don’t remember much after that. A flash of pain. Then… darkness. Nothing.

Cold, unforgiving death.

I saw their faces. I heard their laughter and the familiar way they said my name. I saw the smiles that adorned their features.

I closed my eyes…. and I saw it all again.

**The most beautiful moment in life**

The sun felt hot against my skin. My green jacket was a little much despite the sunny day, but I made no move to take it off as my combat boots scraped the grassy and rocky bottom of the abandoned pool.

The picture I was grasping in my hand bit into my skin, but the sting felt good as I walked to the center of the pool where the worn grey mattress rested. It’s cloth was stained, a spring a little loose that poked my back often, but I paid no heed as I collapsed onto it and stared up at the blue sky.

There was no white clouds racing across the vibrant blue. Merely the bright yellow ball that stared down at me, watching me as I escaped my house. I left early this morning. I didn’t want to be around when my father finally stumbled himself awake, screaming about his head hurting.

I knew if I stayed, my head would be the one hurting. And not just from his screams. I was sure I washed my clothes well- avoiding the stench of liquor and beer the best I could. I might had even burrowed mom’s perfume to mask the smell.

It seemed to have work. I walked all the way here, eager to escape from the run down apartment I called home. My stomach was still aching from the beating five days ago, but the bruising was going down and I could do everything normally again.

A sigh brushed past my lips as I turned my eyes away from the burning sunlight and glanced at the picture in my hands. My mother’s kind eyes stared back at me- delicate and warm. Her black hair cut nicely with the white backdrop and me. Little baby me nestled in her arms as she smiled at the camera like she was the most blessed person alive.

I wondered what had happened. It was the same thought that plagued me a lot. Haunting me in the wee hours of the morning before dawn broke and my mother finally fell into a restless sleep with a new bruise should would cover with makeup.

I decided, as usual, to not dwindle on it.

I crumpled up the picture, clasping it tightly in my hand and shoving it back into my pocket so I wouldn’t have to look at it anymore and returned my eyes towards the sunlight that filtered unforgivingly through the trees. I just remained still, eyes closed as I let the breeze take me away.

What I wasn’t expecting was to see Namjoon appear in front of me. His tall form towered over the mattress, blocking out the sun that had been dancing across my worn features that I felt didn’t reflect the twenty year old beneath.

Namjoon’s smile was contagious. It brought out the dimples that had made their home in both of his cheeks. His eyes danced with mirth and knowledge as he chuckled warmly at the sight of me. He reached down and jostled my shoulder.

“What is it?” he asked teasingly. I never answered, a smile twitching over my lips as my eyes caught sight of five other forms moving behind him, their own smiles and jests raising the air as I was pulled to my feet.

I stumbled a bit, but managed to regain my footing as the others greeted me. An entanglement of happy calls and teasing as they jostled my shoulders and ruffled my hair. Laughter broke from my throat as I caught sight of Min Yoongi, or Suga, and his smile that revealed soft pink gums.

Namjoon was chuckling, watching as Park Jimin ruffled his chocolate brown hair in the sunlight and gave his crescent eye smile that could light up the world it seemed. Of course the youngest was by his side, raven hair gleaming and ears pierced with two black helixes.

Jeongguk’s smile wrinkled his nose, giving the younger a soft bunny look as he cackled with the others, jostling my shoulder and his plaid shirt flapping in the breeze. His voice, lilting and soft, rose above the others to call out a ‘hyung’ and another laugh.

Hoseok was the loudest, brown hair flapping a bit ungracefully over his head and his smile brighter than the sun burning above us. His light dancing feet skipped over the gravel and dirt as he laughed along with the others.

“What were you doing, Tae-ah? Sleeping?” Jimin asked, his own sweet voice milling with the others as they gathered around me. I shrugged, unsure of how to answer as I chuckled again.

Before another one could speak, Jeongguk squinted to glance at something in the distance. His brown eyes lit up with recognition as he grinned and pointed towards the edge of the pool, his little bunny teeth sticking out.

“Oh! It’s Jin hyung!”

I turned to look where Jeongguk was pointing and saw a male standing wearing a blue sweater and black jeans. His brown hair was glittering in the wind and face half hidden behind a black camera pointed towards the small group.

At hearing his name, Seokjin moved the camera away from his face and offered a brilliant smile to grace his features. My own smile matched his as the older closed his camera and jumped down into the pool with us, hurrying over and opening his arms for a hug that greedily accepted.

When he pulled away, Namjoon grasped my arm and pulled my back against his chest before looping his arms through mine and held up peace signs as Hoseok happily hopped in, allowing Seokjin to film the moment that he was always eager to do.

Seokjin loved to capture our moments. He would film us with the little black camera or take pictures with his little pink camera that instantly print out the picture. He would grin at the pictures for a long time after- as if he was trying to remember the smiling faces for a long time.

We never minded. If anything, we allowed the photos and videos to happen. When we were in this pool, together, nothing else mattered. This was our turf. Whatever was beyond this little space never mattered.

If we are together, we can laugh.

Jeongguk grabbed Suga’s arm. With a excited noise, the younger dragged the older over as we split off to dwindle the day away. I couldn’t help but laugh at watching the faded reddish pink haired male, second smallest in the group, settle on a little broken flat cart with wheels and allow the youngest to race him down the pools feet.

They zoomed past us, Suga’s laughter and squeals breaking through the air as they whizzed by. Jeongguk’s cackle was tangled within, his eyes wild and hair wind blown as he dashed them down the pool. Seokjin chuckled from behind his camera, watching with warm eyes.

Shaking my head, I stood and strided for the middle. Eagerness shone on my face as the others joined me, putting our hands in the middle for a vicious game of rock, paper, scissors to start off our games.

Of course Namjoon was the unlucky one. His faded pink hair gleaming as he cried out in anguish at the punishment that was going to commence. Jimin giggled, a small hand covering his mouth as his brown eyes lit up, feet dancing in excitement.

“We should play Leapfrog!” he offered, eyes flickering towards the others. A smile wormed its way across my face at the idea, looking towards the others. Suga flipped and clicked on igniter, then flipped it closed against to extinguish the flame.

Jeongguk took that as a sign of acceptance. “Namjoon hyung, go stand by the edge!” he called, turning towards the unofficial leader. Namjoon sighed, raising his brows, but obeyed as he ambled over.

“Good luck, hyung!” Hoseok laughed, wagging his brows playfully. Namjoon shook his head, sucking on his teeth but the sneaking curve on the corner of his lips stopped any threat of true anger.

Giggling, Seokjin put down his camera and was the first to charge towards the waiting leader who stood with his legs spread slightly apart and hands in his pockets with practiced aloof. At the sight of the charing broad shouldered male, however, he flinched and bent down a bit.

Jimin, practically dancing on his toes, was eager to join his hyung. He shot me an excited look, eyes gleaming. His smile made his puffy cheeks swallow his eyes, the little crescents seeming to smile along with him.

I gestured with my chin for him to go. He beamed before he let out a small cry, though it was about as threatening as a puppy’s yowl, before he ran after them. I shook my head as I watched him leap on to Seokjin, who grunted and groaned at the impact.

I couldn’t stop myself from giggling and taking off after him, eager to join the small pile that we were forming while Namjoon feigned being hurt. Basing on the weight that joined after me, I grunted at weighted muscles of our youngest.

By the time all seven of us were a tangle of random limbs and shouts of false pain. I was laughing, feeling their weight on my body before some of them clambered off and I was helped back to my feet.

I couldn’t stop giggling as I witnessed Jeongguk grinning from ear to ear, standing closer to Seokjin with that wicked grin and mirth filled eyes. “Come on, old man! Let’s see who is stronger,” he challenged, voice carrying over the cheers and ‘oh’s’ of the others.

Amusement tickled my innards as they laid on the ground, clasping at each others hands to prepare for a match of arm wrestling. Seokjin made a serious face, while Jeongguk feigned a flex or two that had Suga tousling his shoulder.

“Kim Seokjin verus Jeon Jeongguk!” Hoseok announced in his best announcer voice that had Jimin cackling. Namjoon shook his head but was biting back his own smile as Jeongguk wiggling his fingers before the game begun.

I laughed as Suga sounded off and the battle began. Seokjin gasped in shock as his arm instantly started lowering but he fought back, grunting a bit as he focused. Jeongguk had stopped smiling, focusing on the prize.

Unable to stop myself, I reached over and placed my finger on Seokjin’s hand and lightly pushed down. Crying out in three’s, he whined as Jeongguk got the upper hand and pinned him. “Hey! That’s cheating!” He cried, turning to pin with a glare. I gave him a quick, innocent smile before darting off.

“Hey guys!” Namjoon called, drawing everyone’s attention as he held up a couple spray cans of different colors. My brows raised. Seokjin clambered to his feet, beaming as the others grabbed a couple of cans. Namjoon waved me over, tossing me a can of red. “Come on, Tae-ah.”

I grabbed the can mid-air, turning around in my hand as I saw Namjoon lean against the wall, settling on the gravelled ground. His outline was formed by the sun, but an idea brightened in my mind.

Beaming, I hurried over and shook the can. Pressing down, I formed a red line of his outline while Namjoon watched with careful eyes, faded pink hair lifting with the wind. When I was done, he stood and laughed at it.

“My shadow?” he asked, looking at me. I shook my head and gave a wicked grin, adding two floppy ears and two eyes so that it looked like a cute little creature. Namjoon shook his head, feigning like he was going to kick me, but I stepped back and laughed.

“Nice one, Tae-ah!” Jeongguk called, his phone blasting some music that Suga was already dancing around to. I preened proudly of my work, eyes flickering above me where Hoseok and Jimin were playing swords with sticks from the woods. “Jimin! Hobi hyung! Come dance with us!” Jeongguk called louder, following my line of sight.

Jimin dropped his stick, lips pursing in mock anger as he leapt down from the high edge of the pool and landed on his feet gracefully. “I think ‘hyung’ is supposed to be in there somewhere!”

“Not with that height!” Jeongguk rebuked, his impish grin reflecting in his eyes. “Any shorter and you would fade out of existence.”

Seokjin snorted back a laugh as Jimin lunged forward, moving to kick the younger but Jeongguk danced out of the way. He darted to the other end of the pool, Jimin fast on his heels. My smile wouldn’t leave my face watching them.

Suga turned towards Namjoon. “Five bucks on Short Stuff,” he said, grinning as he flicked his lighter once and then closed it. Namjoon snickered.

“You’re on.”

I raised my brow towards the pink haired. “You are seriously betting on Jeongukkie-ah?” I asked, pursing my lips. The older shrugged, brushing some of his fringe from his eyes as his black butterfly tattoo stood out against his tan skin.

“Guk-ah can hold his own,” he answered. I shrugged at the reply and returned my gaze to Suga who grabbed Jeongguk’s discarded phone and pressed play. Instantly music poured from the speakers that had Seokjin start dancing away, camera still in hand.

At the sound of music, the others came bursting forwards. Despite the two dancers being there, no one made the dance serious. I giggled and laughed as Jimin came up with some interesting moves while Seokjin was still filming.

By the time the three songs were over, all of us were panting. Jeongguk cut off the music, wandering after Suga with his chocolate eyes shining. I caught Namjoon’s gaze and saw him lift a little toy yellow car. My head cocked to the side.

“Where did you find that, hyung?”

“Here. Along with everything else that has been forgotten,” he said softly. There was a trick to his tone, a sadness that mellowed out his gaze and caused his smile to slip away. For a moment, he wasn’t in the abandoned pool.

He was back in the world that we came here to escape.

I glanced behind me, catching sight of Suga who knelt to the ground to rest his legs while Jimin stood near Hoseok, both watching with curious eyes. Namjoon held up the car a moment, showcasing it, before placing it on top an empty water bottle.

Seokjin and Hoseok sat on the edge of the pool on the other end, their silhouettes shadowing the shallow rainwater that had gathered at the end of the pool and lingered with the grass and gravel.

Namjoon was quiet as he pulled out a golf club, another forgotten memory, and aimed. We watched as it flew off into somewhere in the water, landing with a soft splash. Jimin cheered, offering a cute hug and a grin as the others gathered.

The hours were dwindling. The sun was streaking across the sky and lighting our time. As it got lower, the energy that we possessed began to go down with it. I felt exhausted from the long day of play tickling at the back of my had but I pushed it away.

Hoseok was caught sleeping, resting his head against the edge of the pool and face serene as it was tilted towards the sun. Gummy smile showing, Suga hurried over and knelt next to him, holding up a peace sign for Seokjin to take his picture.

Jeongguk was wandering the edge of the pool, arms out and testing his balance in the dying sunlight. But as soon as he caught sight of Suga and Hoseok, he broke into a run and leapt down from the edge to join them in their photo.

Suga laughed and jostled his shoulder. “Ya! Watch it, kid,” he laughed. Jeongguk only smiled and managed to gather his bearings. Hoseok, awoken by Jeongguk’s arrival sent a glare towards the older.

“Says you, Yoongi hyung,” he moaned, sleep still edging around his eyes. Suga rolled his eyes but didn’t answer as they posed for the picture.

Later, everyone was sitting around the edge of the pool. The sun was beginning to set and the sky turning into shades of pink and purple, orange creating a halo around the burning sun. I felt restless, antsy, so I wandered off and found a tree.

The leaves and wood led to the small rock overhang near where they were sitting. Licking my lips, I grappled myself up and stepped onto the grey slate. The breeze tickled at my cheeks, the sound of their laughter echoing to greet me as I climbed into view.

The pool house below my feet held steady as I stride over to the edge, peering down at the empty pool and my six friends that hung on the side. The sun was watching on the far side, it’s light dying just a little more each second as I stared down.

I closed my eyes and let the wind kiss my cheeks, letting their laughter chase away the demons lurking within the dark corners of my mind. This was what felt like the most beautiful moment in life.

Our laughter. Our games. This day that went as fast as a blink of an eye. Home didn’t matter here because they are home.

Opening my eyes, I turned to look at them. Watching their smiles and laughter. My heart warmed in my chest. I caught Namjoon’s eyes, understanding alighting the soft brown as he offered a small smile and patted next to him.

That night, when the sun finally said it’s goodbyes and the moon was the one lighting our path, Suga had started a bonfire. Seokjin had set up the old video player to play against the back of the old pool house and we all sat in wickered chairs or frayed leather couches as forgotten as us.

Jeongguk had settled his head on Suga’s lap, who was staring absently into the fire and flickering his own lighter on and off, paying no heed to the youngers head as he rested with his legs over the edge.

Jimin was sipping at some soju, his smile content and amused. Hoseok and Seokjin were nibbling on some pretzels, talking quietly to one another. The crackling of the flames was soothing as I listened when they all went quiet, enjoying the sound.

Seokjin set down his drink, pulling out one of the photos he had taken that day. I watched silently as he stared at it a moment, a smile ghosting his features as the fire light danced over his beautiful face.

He glanced at Hoseok, showing the picture. The brown haired dancer examined it. “We will do this, right?” he asked. Hoseok nodded before Seokjin glanced towards me. I nodded softly, unsure of what he meant.

Namjoon glanced at Seokjin, his smile soft and warm while Jimin looked on a little cautiously before a smile twitched at his lips. Suga flicked on the flame from his lighter, not really answering as Seokjin showed him the picture.

Jeongguk pushed himself up, glancing at the picture before he blew out the flame.

And with it… blew out our light.

**June 18th**

Hot ramen burned the roof of my mouth, the steam ghosting over my face and stinging at my tan skin. I wince, keeping my mouth open and chewing quickly as I sit up behind the table of Seven Eleven, eating cheap ramen.

The sounds were the usual boring sounds- the dull greetings from the cashier when the door jingled and the whir of the machines nearby. The rich smell of the ramen caused my stomach to growl in pleasure at finally being filled.

My green tinged bangs fell in my eyes, which I brushed away as a flash of something in the security mirror caught my attention. My brow furrowed at the sight of a girl, wearing a cap and hair shoulder length and a rich dark chocolate. She was glancing around, hand shoving small packets of food and other items into her black backpack.

Stepping away from my food, I peer around the corner to catch a different glimpse of her. Worry was creasing her brow, eyes shielded by the cap she wore. Licking her lips, she reached to grab another handful of items.

The girl reminded me of someone. The curve of her brow, the careful and knowledgeable look in her eye. The way she stood and the careful way she hid her gaze. A memory was pressing at the back of my head.

I strode forwards, grabbing her wrist. The skin beneath my hand was soft, clammy with slight nerves of being caught, and pale as if she didn’t a lot of sunlight. She made a startled noise in the back of her throat as I grasped her bag and shifted past her.

I felt her gaze pierce my back, and my mind grappled at something, lingering like a lost memory on the tip of my tongue. I could recall a dark night, late in the city, and man standing next to me. His dimpled cheeks present around a lollipop and beanie that covered his hair.

I heard sirens, the racing of my heart and the desire to escape. The freedom I felt as if I had wings that could take to the sky and fly me far away from there. Me and the man I was with. My heart clenched and I desperately brushed away the memory. I banished the name from my mind.

I placed the bag on the counter, offering a little smile towards the worker as I pulled out my wallet. The dings of the items being rung up distracted me from her piercing stare when suddenly I heard the door jingle and the stare was gone.

I craned my head, realizing that she left. I finished paying, thanking the worker, before I grabbed the bag and walked out of the store. The door jingled as I saw her standing by the doors, hands shoved in her pocket and face downwards.

Before I could say anything, she tore the bag from my grasp and marched off. The sound of her sneakered feet echoed after her as she left. I stared after her, wondering why I bothered, or why I felt the need to help her.

Shaking my head, I clenched my fists and went back inside.

But I guess fate has this funny way of tangling with lives, stitching them together like glue because I hadn’t seen the last of the girl. The girl who reminded me of windblown hair, the sound of laughter echoing over darkened tunnels, and the slapping of boots against the ground.

Reminded me of something I felt I had lost. A dimpled smile, calm, knowledgeable eyes that filled with understanding. The constant presence through the long night of healing wounds.

I never was one to believe in fate, but sitting at the edge of the subway rails, an old wooden boxes beneath me as the heat surrounded us. The cicadas were humming their song, brining back tendrils of the summer.

The girl, Jisoo, was crouched against the gravel. The cap was gone, revealing her soft brown hair and giving light to her soft features. Her cloth shirt was unbuttoned and it played with the wind as the trains came and went.

I shouldn’t have been surprised that she had re-appeared at the store. Her dark eyes searching the shelves, black backpack clenched in her small hands, and her heart racing until she caught sight of me.

I shouldn’t have been surprised when the same thing repeated itself. Like a wound clock, caught on the same time. I really shouldn’t have been surprised when this time she followed me, like a lost puppy who was slightly vicious but curious and needing attention.

“Why do you keep helping me? Isn’t there something better for you to do?” her sharp voice broke the quiet of walking through the city streets. My legs faltered, pausing in the center of the sidewalk to turn back and look at her icy gaze.

“Probably,” I answered, shrugging my shoulders. “Are you saying you rather be arrested? Seems a little counterproductive.” The girl eyes narrowed, but her lips pressed together and she didn’t budge. I wish I had budged. A sigh whistled past my teeth. “I helped because you remind me of someone.”

“Who?”

“Me.”

Shock filtered through her eyes a moment before I turned back around and continued my stroll through the city streets. I expected her to wander off, like most would have done, but instead the sound of her boots followed my own softer steps.

“I’m Jisoo,” she mumbled past the city sounds, though I barely heard her. I glanced over my shoulder to see her trailing, just a bit aways, and eyes downcast.

“Taehyung.”

That was where it started. I don’t really recall meeting up, or setting times. It was more like we saw one another and she would follow me. It became a habit that just hasn’t broken. I was grateful for the company, even if it brought pain to my wandering thoughts.

Sitting on the wooden boxes, the sounds of the subways and trains whizzing past did nothing to stall the strain of my mind as I glanced at my phone. I guess I was waiting for a call. A message. Anything.

My screen remained so blatantly empty.

Jisoo glanced at me from her place crouched on the ground. I ignored her, tilting my head up towards the sky so the sun could kiss my skin, the breeze playing with my hair.

And there I saw his face, leaning over with the dimple grin as he jostled my shoulder to pull me away from my thoughts. I remembered the way he beamed at me, pulling me to my feet.

Namjoon.

I saw the happiness that radiated off my face as I painted over the pools walls, glancing up at him with a hopeful look that he would approve of my work. His faded pink hair glinting in the sunlight and my own caramel swaying in the wind.

I remembered the little creature that I had created using his bodies form. I could hear his laugh reverberate through my mind as he feigned anger, kicking his leg but missing me by a mile as I laugh.

My heart clenched, stealing the air in my lungs. A weak smile twitched at my lips but it didn’t last with the pain in my heart. I lowered my head, trying to banish his laughter from my mind. I clutched my phone tighter, as if willing it to ring.

I glanced down at Jisoo, who met my gaze and let a smile cross her features, the rock in her hand pausing. “Are you alright, Taehyung oppa?” she asked softly. I gave a smile, a bit truer one before I clambered to my feet.

She watched with curious eyes as I grabbed a plastic water bottle and then placed my phone on top. If she was curious or worried, she didn’t show it. She just watched as I grabbed a pipe from nearby and then shot her a look before I swung back and pretended to hit.

And maybe I should have known that day, when she had said nothing but seemed to accept the fact my phone brought me pain. The way I hated the dial tone with a bitterness that stung my tongue.

But really… I should have known better than to show her my version of escape. Maybe I was angry. Could it be the sadness pressing against my heart? Deeper, deeper, the wound just gets deeper. Like pieces of broken glass that I can’t reverse. Deeper, it’s just the heart that hurts every day.

I clutched the spray can tightly in my hands. I felt the cool metal beneath my fingertips as I glared at the sign where the words tumbled off. I saw the words I painted before- words with Namjoon.

I gritted my teeth. I gripped the can tighter as the night breeze brushed over my skin, urging me one like I use to do with him. Stand like a broken knight as I found my escape in defiling these.

Shaking the can, black blotched out the red. All the while, the words ‘save me’ echoed in my head as I worked. I heard Jisoo’s own can as she sprayed away at something below me, so I sprayed the only thing I could think of.

“Butterfly.”

If Jisoo wanted to say anything, she never did. She was lost to the beauty of the thrill. And maybe that was my downfall as headlights brushed over me, highlighting my form in the darkness.

I looked over and saw the police. Eyes widening, I grabbed my bag and shoved Jisoo. She stumbled to her feet. Without hesitation, I remembered what Namjoon and I did- we ran. We were good at that.

Running.

We were always running- except instead of two, sometimes it was seven.

Shoving away my dangerous thoughts, I booked it down the street. I made sure Jisoo in front of me. Her eyes were wide, panic clear within them as her boots slapped against the ground and the wind turned biting.

My breathing whooshed through my lungs as i glanced over my shoulder but I wasn’t with Namjoon this time. They were right behind us. Realization was like ice through my veins. We might not make it.

I grasped at Jisoo’s hand, taking the lead as I led her down a darkened alley. She clutched tightly to my hand as I pushed us faster, turning into a sharper, more narrow alleyway to hide. I pulled her through, bringing back into another open street but the sirens kept blaring.

I shoved her into another alley, my plaid jacket flapping and reflecting the blue and red lights of the police cars as we ducked into the narrow space. Her body was trembling next to mine, shaking like a newborn fawn. I remembered that being me.

I grit my teeth, my breathing laboured and fast from the run as I pressed my back against the wall. Jisoo followed my role, her eyes wide and chest heaving. She stared at me with furrowed brows, fear clear in them.

I turned, giving her a weak, shaking smile. “Taehyung oppa?” she breathed. I shook my head and touched her hand.

“It’s okay. Everything is going to be fine.” I glanced towards the entrance and realized the police were already starting to surround us. Her eyes widened as I pulled away. Swallowing, I stepped out of hiding.

Lights flashed over my form, lighting up my white shirt and plaid over-shirt. I flinched at the light- the light so familiar but instead of having Namjoon beside me, I was alone. I raised my hands slowly, peeking through my lightened fringe.

See, that’s the problem. Sitting in the police station, the scent of coffee and ink. The desk in front of me cluttered with paperwork and folders with too many laptops open. The officer was looking at me like a lost kid- eager to break the rules and do whatever.

That’s the problem, isn’t it? My stigma. My curse.

How could I tell him that I didn’t want this? That this wasn’t my life? I use to be better… didn’t I? My finger scratched at the wood of the table, the sound of ticking clock creating a dull harmony.

“Name.” He sounded cold. Bored. Another juvenile delinquent to scold. I scratched my finger a couple more times. Debating.

“Kim Taehyung.”

“Age.”

“Twenty one.” The answer rolled off. Is this really my life? I wondered, where did my happiness go? Where did the sound of their laughter go? Where was the faded pink hair, the pool where we left everything behind?

“Parents?”

I froze, tears glittering in my eyes. Like a train that slammed into my gut. I remembered my small apartment, my bruised mother lying on her mat and my father in the corner drinking like he hadn’t beaten her.

Blood.

“There is no such thing,” I answered.

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