Just some ramblings about the differences I've found interesting so far between the A and B texts of Doctor Faustus:

1) A-text 1.3.14 "Then fear not, Faustus, but be resolute."

vs. B-text 1.3.14 "Then fear not, Faustus, to be resolute."

Not many thoughts on this except that in the first, being resolute is put in contrast to fear, as if by being resolute Faustus can assuage his fear. Whereas, in the second, being resolute is what is to be feared. It's Faustus trying to assuage his fears about being resolute.

2) A-text 1.3.45 "No, I came not hither of mine own accord."

vs. B-text 1.3 "No, I came now hither of mine own accord."

Just completely different meanings here. Did Meph come of his own accord when Faustus called or not? Well, you get a completely different answer to that depending on which text you read. (I like the second one, and I think it makes more sense for it to be "now" instead of "not." These two are close enough though that I feel like one of them is probably just whoever wrote the quarto mishearing the word)

3) A-text 2.1.136-142 "Faus:...cannot live without a wife / Meph: How, a wife? I prithee, Faustus, talk not of / a wife. / Faus: Nay, sweet Mephistopheles, fetch me one, for I will / have one. / Meph: Well, thou wilt have one? Sit there till I come. / I'll fetch thee a wife in the devil's name."

vs. B-text 2.1.136-138 "Faus:...and cannot live / without a wife. / Meph: Well, Faustus, thou shalt have a wife."

I thought it was interesting that the B-text didn't have this little spiel. In my other edition based on the A-text, the footnote for "How a wife? I prithee, Faustus, talk not of wife" says that Meph can't produce a wife for Faustus because marriage is a sacrament. Which I don't think marriage is a sacrament for Protestants? But it is interesting to think about how marriage is something holy, and therefore even when Meph eventually fulfills this request, he specifies that it's a wife in the devil's name, not God's.

I just really like that little bit of nuance about wives and marriage, and was like :// when the B-text didn't have it.

4) And right after that part above the stage directions for each are: A-text "Enter Mephistopheles with a Devil dressed like a woman"

vs. B-text "He fetches in a Woman Devil."

Which is just so so interesting. The distinction between a devil dressed like a woman and a woman devil. One is not a woman, just pretending to be. The other is a woman, but it's also a devil. Idk, it's just so so interesting.

5) A-text 2.3.17-24 "My heart's so hardened I cannot repent. Scare can I name salvation, faith, or heaven, / But fearful echoes thunder in mine ears, / 'Faustus, thou art damned.' Then swords and knives, / Poison, guns, halters, and envenomed steel / Are laid before me to despatch myself; / And long ere this I should have slain myself / Had not sweet pleasure conquered deep despair."

vs B-text 2.3.18-24 "My heart is hardened; I cannot repent. / Scarce can I name salvation, faith, or heaven. / Swords, poison, halters, and envenomed steel / Are laid before me to dispatch myself; / And long ere this I should have done the deed, / Had not sweet pleasure conquered deep despair."

Ok first of all, "My heart's so hardened I cannot repent" vs. "My heart is hardened; I cannot repent." To me, the first puts more emphasis on the degree of hardendness, which makes it feel more nuanced than the second. In the second, his heart just is hardened and that's why he can't repent. In the first, he can't repent because of the degree to which his heart has hardened. Idk, the first give off "how has it gotten this far?" vibes, while the second gives off "this is how it is" vibes to me. Add the extra two lines of the A-text to that, and it really emphasizes the way Faustus's fate is being shaped in contrast to the the B-text simply stating how things are. The hardendness is a degree; it has become hardened rather than it is or it isn't hardened. There is an echo that reminds him he is damned when he thinks on heavenly things, an echo that is followed by the appearance of various weapons. It emphasizes the series of actions that lead to an end instead of just stating the facts that Faustus can scarcely name heavenly things and that weapons appear before him. Idk, the A-text seems to show how Faustus believes he is damned while the second just tells us everything straight up.

6) A-text 2.3.76 "Never too late, if Faustus can repent."

vs. B-text 2.3.80 "Never too late, if Faustus will repent."

Can vs. will. One's ability to do something vs. one's choice whether or not to do something. Again, I really like the A-text, the question of can Faustus repent rather than will he. It's just so much more interesting to me to ponder how much control he really had over his fate than how he came to one choice or another. Like sorry, but that's so boring. Literally who cares what Faustus chooses. I care about whether he ever really had a choice to being with. That's so much more interesting.

7) A-text 2.3.161 "O, this feeds my soul!"

vs. B-text 2.3.63 "O, how this sight doth delight my soul!"

Nothing here except that I adore the A-text's line because of the way Faustus using magic is characterized as gluttony or surfeit throughout the play. I like how the A-text taps into that metaphor again.

Hello!!! May I request Staff x Reader scenarios or headcanons whichever you feel like doing where the reader gets very flustered and bashful at flirtation and compliments towards them? 👉👈😚

You bet! Thanks for my first ask! <333

This is pretty long since it includes everyone, so most of it is under the cut! Let’s see how I do, hehe

Dire Crowley 

- He gets a major ego boost out of it, your blush can only mean that his charm is still as all-encompassing as it was in his youth!

- He's going to act (very poorly) like he's apologetic about making you shy, but his apology is buried under him having a big head about it

-"Ah, am I too bold for you? I can't help that I am not only kind, but also debonair! It is a curse!"

- Also just because he apologizes for being bold doesn't mean he's going to stop! Now that he knows how much he effects you he's going to flirt with you at every chance and revel in the flush on your face

- "How cute, I've once again put you under my spell! Will you ever recover?"

- You can say goodbye to the days you could walk freely on campus, because now you never know when Dire is going to catch sight of you and yell out some super specific compliment at you even as you try to run

- No seriously, he pops out when you least expect him with the cheesiest lines on the tip of his tongue, if you weren't so busy being embarrassed for yourself you'd be embarrassed for him

- But it's okay, everyone else side eyes him for you, because it's actually painful how proud Dire is of himself whenever you can't meet his eyes

- The man is on cloud nine having an adorable being like you at his whim alright, you really need to understand how big his chest is puffed up because of you

- If you actually asked him to stop, let's be honest, he wouldn't listen at first. Dire is someone who needs it drilled into his head to get the picture and just one scolding isn't enough for him to give up his new favorite pass time

- If you truly mean it, he'll sulk about it and lament the loss of your rosy cheeks dramatically, but he'll back off if you don't budge

Divus Crewel

- Not surprised in the slightest, but highly amused.

- "Precious." Is his first thought, seeing you wring your hands in front of yourself

- Well, of course you're flustered by him, he flusters everyone. However, if it's you, he's less bored and much more playful

- Since he's always making some innuendo or being flirty already, he makes it a point to turn it up to 11 when he's with you. He wants you to know you're special

- "If I lined up every precious puppy in the world, you'd still win best on show."

- He's more sincere with his compliments, and purposely dotes on you more than anyone else so you get the hint he likes your flushing face better than all the others he's seen

- And poor you, Divus is trying to make his intentions known but for you he's just turning up the heat until you can barely speak to him

- At least before you could calm yourself down by saying "He's like that with everyone" but then he goes and says things to you that he most definitely doesn't say to everyone!

- If you tell him off, he will obey. It is never his intention to cause you discomfort, and if his advances aren't returned he's not the type to pursue someone unwilling. That's just plain uncouth.

- If you make your stance clear Divus will go in the opposite direction, making a point to be professional and polite with you to avoid coming off as disrespectful of your rejection.

Sam

- He stops in his tracks and stares. Wait, hold on, you're flustered? By him? Surely you've got the suitors lining up where you're from, right?

- "You're flustered over little ol' me? Well now I'm embarrassed, having flattered a an evening star like you!"

- If you attempt to deflect or downplay yourself, Sam's not having any of it. In fact, now he's just offended because you're trying to convince him he's blind and you aren't the prettiest thing to walk the earth

- Sam is definitely the type to call out your shyness, not to be mean, but to give you some confidence!

- Because, seriously, you're flustered? You should be getting bigger and better compliments than his left and right! Why, have you seen yourself?

- It's too late to try and hide your face from him, no no no, Sam is going to remedy this right now!

- Sam is the best at showing off the good qualities of his products, he could sell a bottle of water to an ocean if he wanted, and now he's putting all that energy into convincing you you're the cat's meow!

- "Look at those eyes, that smile, that sweet demeanor! You can't find that just anywhere, I'll tell you what folks!"

- Every time you buy something now, it comes with a compliment and if you try to reject it he's going on another spiel about your beauty until you get it through your head that you're a dime

- Unlike the others, he is directly against stopping his campaign. He wants you to be confident and sure of yourself, so he's less likely to back off

- He probably wouldn't stop until he got some sort of sign he got through to you, like asking you call yourself gorgeous and tell him your good qualities. If you can manage that, it'll satisfy him enough to stop waxing poetic about you. For now

Ashton Vargas

- He won't ever admit it, but he was shocked. Ashton's a confident guy, but he knows he doesn't have a good track record when it comes to romance.

- He hides it under his bravado, but he's over the moon that you're so receptive to his compliments

- "Oh, you embarrassed? Yeah, I have that effect on people!"

- Inside he's squealing at the idea of you thinking he's worth blushing over

- You being shy over him complimenting you gives Ashton confidence to woo you in other areas, if you like his flirting then you'll totally like his flexing and showing off too, right?

- He acts like a whole fool whenever you're around, he's like a schoolboy shouting "Look at me!!" the moment he sees you

- He could be eating lunch one minute, then you come in and suddenly he's decided to bench press the table. Oh no, you just thought you saw him drinking from his water bottle, he was actually pouring it over his face and shoulders because he's just so hot from his work out!

- He doesn't care who's around, which makes you even more embarrassed because everyone looks at you two and now everyone is looking to see your reaction

- Everyone is sick of him and wondering why you put up with his shenanigans, honestly.

- If it gets too much for you, Ashton will probably take it harder than others. Ah, so it was too good to be true after all, huh?

- He won't let it show to you though, he'll laugh it off and treat you just as well as he treats everyone else. He's past his teenage days of anger at rejection, he's a big boy now.

Mozus Trein

- What do you mean, you're embarrassed? He's mortified!

- He sees your blush and thinks he majorly overstepped, and quickly tries to reassure you that he didn't mean to be so forward

- "M-My dear, I assure you I meant no disrespect! I am not that kind of man, truly!"

- Which in turn makes you want to assure it not his fault at all and you fluster too easily, and now both of you are apologizing in circles

- From that moment on, Mozus basically flees every time you're in the vicinity, he's tarnished your image of him and he can never show his face again

- Don't be fooled, he wishes he still had that bold streak he used to. He could have gone about things much differently and really swept you off your feet!

- But his delivery was all off and he's too old for all this now, he could never charm someone as lovely as you with how rusty he is at romance

- Eventually he'll get over his shame and talk to you as though it never happened, do not bring it up he will cry, but he chooses his words much more carefully from now on to avoid further embarrassment

- He does try to compliment you after regaining his courage, if only to prove to you that he's not always that awkward, but it's always aborted and you never get the chance to flush over it

- You won't have to worry about teasing with Mozus, you'll just have to worry about the fact that one of you shy fawns is going to have to make the first move at some point and neither of you are keen on the idea

CRY💀 Thoughts💜

“Current assignment? What assignment?!” Nancy, you’re jinxing yourself already

I still remember the first time I played this game and that feeling I got when the warning comes up on the screen before everything begins. Sp00py nostalgia vibes 👻

Ned: “Hey Henry, I’m worried about you, but not worried enough to get off my ass and check on you myself. Imma send my gf instead and then bitch at her a few games later about how I never get to go anywhere.”

Not even in the house two seconds and I’m already getting attacked. Renée and Henry are the worst hostesses ever and this vacation already blows.

Nancy, you are taking a drink from someone you don’t even know; it could literally be poisonous. But go ahead, chug it anyways

Actually, if Renée just poisoned Nancy now, it would have saved her a lot of trouble in the end. Game over. Roll credits!

Henry: “maybe I should call THEM and leave THEM on hold and see how THEY like it.” Me when I’m on the phone with any customer service representative from any company ever.

Henry definitely wore eyeliner, had an emo swoop, and listened to “Ohio is for Lovers” on repeat in his angsty teenage years. But I’m not judging because honestly...same

But Henry is hot af. Broody definitely works so fucking well for him

Henry: “I come across as a little needy sometimes.” Be needy to me, Henry. Be my stage five clinger. I don’t care. Suffocate me with your broody love.

“My parents died in a car crash when I was eight.” Nancy *thinking to herself*: “damn, I didn’t even get the chance to ask him what happened to his mother.”

Henry: “no offense but are you sure you didn’t just pass out from the heat and humidity and dream that you saw this skeleton dude?” No, but in a few games further down the line, I will hallucinate seeing a ghost due to carbon monoxide poisoning. Hahahaha forshadow af.

“What was in that concoction you gave me?” You are supposed to ask this before you take a drink from a stranger, Nancy.

I. HATE. SPIDERS. ANIMATED OR NOT.

I love this game so much. The setting, the atmosphere, music, characters, storyline, puzzles, EVERYTHING.

“Finding Fish by Bill Kessler” OF COURSE BILL AND HIS NORTHERN PIKE POPS UP ONCE MORE TO HAUNT ME *eye twitches ever so slightly*

Henry: “Do you always go digging in other peoples’ fire places?” Actually, yeah. That’s how I found out some poor sap of a homeless handyman was living in the basement of the house he was renovating lol

Bruno and the Bolet family as a whole are so fascinating and I must learn everything about them

Nancy just ate a whole bunch of candy from Renée’s stash and then proceeded to vomit all over her bedroom floor. *places newspaper on top of puke and slowly backs out of the room, whispering to herself*: “I was never here...”

Ned: “it’s about time you called!” “Call again, like soon.” Um, I listen to no one or no thing, u controlling piece of cardboard

Ugh, I love Bess so much. She’s such a precious, innocent bean.

Bess is the friend who gave into peer pressure in high school: “you wanna underage drink and smoke some weed?” “Absolutely, unequivocally no.” “Come on, it’ll be fun!” “Ahhhh...okay!!”

Lamont’s Lament: Part 1

*grits teeth* these motherfucking wasps around this mother fucking tree

Henry: “Don’t worry, we got plenty of food here, beds-“ CAN I SLEEP IN UR BED? I’LL BE THE BIG SPOON!

HOTCHKISS IS BACK. SWEET AS THE SMELL OF FRIED CHICKEN!

Poor Hotchkiss has early on-set Alzheimer’s and Nancy is shaming her for it

“Sorry ‘bout your loss.” “...my loss?” Nancy, you got so annoyed that Hotchkiss couldn’t remember your name, but you can’t even remember what you said just a minute ago..pot meet kettle¿

Yeah, scurry the fuck out of my way, you hairy eight-legged motherfucker and give me my damn key before I squash you with the bottom of my shoe run away screaming like a lil bitch

Great, time to talk to creepy Gilbert and cringe as he openly hits on a girl at least 30 years younger than him. There is no May-December romance going on here, buddy.

Thanks for the gumbo, Shorty, but it does not make up for the fact you attempted to murder my best friend. And no, she has not picked those vegetables for you yet

Okay, I just laughed my ass off. After eating spicy gumbo, Bess burped out fire. I had no idea she was a dragon

I played this goddamn skeeball machine so many times. The things I do for eyeballs and Easter Eggs.

Summer, Summer, Summer. Smh. Now I ain’t sayin she a gold digger...

Henry: “I bought her a bunch of CDs to keep her occupied while I was gone.” Yeah...Summer is just gonna sit in her room, listening to the CDs you bought for her on a loop, just waiting for you to get back...

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN SUMMER. YOU DESERVE ME.

I love Iggy so much. Dressing him up is adorable af

🎶 Bernie with a tooth so sweet. Likes marshmallows but it’s you he’d love to eat🎶 (I sang this to the tune of Brigitte’s Ballad)

Renée: “oh my, I forgot to warn you about Bernie, didn’t I?” *grins evilly* Could you contain your excitement that I was almost devoured by a crocodile until I fucking walk away?

I actually like the cemetery scavenger hunt, a lot

I love how Iggy just huffs and dips the fuck out when you dress him up as a clown. “You get nothing for this. I ain’t coming back with anything. WHO’S THE CLOWN NOW?”

Lamont’s Lament: Part 2

I seriously feel for Lamont. All he wants to do is run his curio shop in peace, and here comes this blonde twister wreaking havoc all over his night

Someone give Bess a Xanax. Poor girl is gonna have a panic attack with all of the stuff Nancy is asking her to do

Infiltrating the Jolly Rogers meeting is definitely my favorite sequence in this game

Y WOULD U CALL ME WHEN U KNOW I’M AT THE MEETING UNDERCOVER, NANCY? Thx for almost killing me, ur bff xoxo

Yup, just toss the priceless skull up to Renée like it’s a freakin’ football. You are not on the same team here, Nan.

Bernie the Immortal crocodile. Who would have thought at the beginning of the game, we’d end up with this resolution.

Hahaha of course, Lamont is out in the swamp looking for Bernie. If anyone in this game deserves the skull, it’s deff him anyways.

One of my favorite games, ever. So happy I replayed it🖤

31 Days of Dead | Day 19: Row Jimmy -Mountain View, CA 6/21/89 // Althea, West L.A. Fadeaway – East Troy, WI 7/19/89 // High Time – Passaic, NJ 6/19/76 // Stagger Lee – San Francisco 10/18/78

December 19 

First Set Delights

Row Jimmy (6/21/89 – Shoreline Amphitheatre • Mountain View, CA)

Althea, West L.A. Fadeaway (7/19/89 – Alpine Valley Music Theatre • East Troy, WI)

High Time (6/19/76 – Capitol Theater • Passaic, NJ)

Stagger Lee (10/18/78 – Winterland Arena • San Francisco, CA)

Here are a handful of Hunter-Garcia songs that usually had their home in the first set. The band did not overplay these songs. You would only hear them once or twice a tour, which made their performance all the more special. The added bonus was that anytime the band played them, it was generally a good omen of things to come.

“Row Jimmy” remains one of The Dead’s most treasured ballads, but I’ll be damned if I know what Hunter’s cryptic lyrics are about. I’ve read so many interpretations that I’m left with the conclusion that it means different things to different people. (Remember  Hunter’s line in “Eyes of the World” that “Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own.” Coincidence? I think not.) The band debuted “Row Jimmy” on February 9, 1973, at Stanford University. It was a big night of maiden voyages with the Dead playing (in addition to “Row Jimmy”) the very first “Eyes Of The World,” “China Doll,” “They Love Each Other,” “Wave That Flag,” “Loose Lucy” and “Here Comes Sunshine.” The version I chose is from Shoreline Amphitheatre on June 21, 1989. It was the summer solstice, and the band was in fine form. If you don’t lose yourself in the lyrics, then you’ll definitely get blissfully lost in the solos from Jerry and Brent. The description on headyversion.com sums it up best – “When I hear this I see the spinners.” It was the perfect song for spinners.

“Althea,” another favorite, was recorded for the 1980 album, Go to Heaven. It was the band’s first release with new keyboardist, Brent Mydland. Like “Row Jimmy,” “Althea” contains vague lyrics and deep, hypnotic guitar solos. This version from July 19, 1989 at Alpine Valley is a fine example of the song on a very good night. I’m surprised it didn’t make the cut for the video, Downhill From Here.

“West L.A. Fadeaway” is probably the least elusive of the group of songs I am highlighting today, but it certainly wasn’t overplayed either. Hunter’s lyrics contain fairly explicit references to John Belushi’s death, especially the line “Looking for a chateau, twenty-one rooms, but one will do.” Written the same year that the comic died, “West L.A. Fadeway” doesn’t mention Belushi by name, but is obviously inspired by his death in the Chateau Marmont on March 5, 1982. The band became friendly with Belushi during their appearances on Saturday Night Live in 1978 and 1980. Belushi, in turn, joined the Dead on stage, singing backup (and doing cartwheels) during a wild “U.S. Blues” encore on March 30, 1980 at the Capitol Theatre in Passaic, New Jersey. In addition, Belushi’s band, The Blues Brothers, was one of the opening acts for the Dead at the Closing of Winterland on December 31, 1978. For today’s live track, I once again, drew from Alpine Valley on July 19, 1989. However, unlike “Althea,” this version of “West L.A. Fadeaway” was included in the video, Downhill From Here. Thank goodness for that because it is the real deal. For many, this version is the GOAT. I love it!

“High Time” is a song about lamenting the loss of a lover, which makes the title quite ironic. It appears on the 1970 album, Workingman’s Dead, and it is the most elusive of the songs today. The band debuted it on June 21, 1969 at the Fillmore East, and it remained in the repertoire for only about a year before being dropped. It was revived again in 1976,  which represents what I consider to be the best time for “High Time.” My favorite is from the Capitol Theatre in Passiac, New Jersey on June 19, 1976. It’s an absolutely gorgeous performance, sung with every ounce of passion and soul in Jerry’s body. Check out his vocal inflection when he sings “go on out when it’s gone” in the last verse. It gives me chills every time I hear it. There is another thing I love about this version that has absolutely has nothing to do with the band or the music. In between songs the audience is going nuts calling out requests. If you listen very carefully, exactly one second before the band plays the first note, you can hear a fan scream the next song (correctly) in his best New York accent – Hoy Toyme!!!! It’s another one of those amazing cosmic moments that seemed to happen all too often with the Grateful Dead.

The last of our “first set delights” is “Stagger Lee.” The song derives from a series of tales and songs in African-American folklore. In Robert Hunter’s Box of Rain, the lyric is entitled “Delia Delyon and Staggerlee.” The band recorded it on their 1978 studio album, Shakedown Street, and the debut live performance took place at Red Rocks Amphitheater on August 30, 1978 along with the debuts of “I Need a Miracle” and “If I Had The World To Give.” It was played pretty regularly in 1978-79, but went MIA in 1980-81. It re-surfaced for two performances in 1982, and then disappeared again until the band’s 25-year anniversary run on June 14, 1985 at the Greek Theatre in Berkeley. After that, the band played “Stagger Lee” no more than about 10 times a year. The version I selected from Winterland on October 18, 1978 has a huge ending that must be heard at all costs.

Behind The Lyrics:

Row Jimmy – http://artsites.ucsc.edu/gdead/agdl/row.html & https://songmango.com/the-deads-best-row-jimmy/

Althea – https://www.dead.net/features/greatest-stories-ever-told/greatest-stories-ever-told-althea

West L.A. Fadeaway – http://artsites.ucsc.edu/gdead/agdl/wla.html

High Time – https://www.dead.net/features/greatest-stories-ever-told/greatest-stories-ever-told-high-time

Stagger Lee – http://artsites.ucsc.edu/gdead/agdl/stagger.html

MediaFire: 

Row Jimmy – http://www.mediafire.com/file/37urxo43uoks153/51_Row_Jimmy_%25286.21.89_-_Shoreline_Amphitheatre_%25E2%2580%25A2_Mountain_View%252C_CA%2529.mp3/file

Althea – http://www.mediafire.com/file/kc2ncz9tgz8vhom/52_Althea_%25287.19.89_-_Alpine_Valley_Music_Theatre_%25E2%2580%25A2_East_Troy%252C_WI%2529.mp3/file

West L.A. Fadeaway – http://www.mediafire.com/file/lfvphizq389cd6u/53_West_L.A._Fadeaway_%25287.19.89_-_Alpine_Valley_Music_Theatre_%25E2%2580%25A2_East_Troy%252C_WI%2529.mp3/file

High Time – http://www.mediafire.com/file/csn0gqwshgf3tut/54_High_Time_%25286.19.76_-_Beacon_Theatre_%25E2%2580%25A2_New_York%252C_NY%2529.mp3/file

Stagger Lee – http://www.mediafire.com/file/g2e62mbrn32ir59/55_Stagger_Lee_%252810.18.78_%25E2%2580%2593_Winterland_Arena_%25E2%2580%25A2_San_Francisco%252C_CA%2529.mp3/file

Live Music Archive:

6/21/89 – https://archive.org/details/gd1989-06-21.sbd.walker-scotton.miller.83718.sbeok.flac16

7/19/89 – https://archive.org/details/gd1989-07-19.138808.sbd.miller.fixed.flac24

6/19/76 – https://archive.org/details/gd1976-06-19.prefm.nickspicks.10186.shnf

10/18/78 – https://archive.org/details/gd1978-10-18.sbd.miller.89335.sbeok.flac16

Relisten:

Row Jimmy – https://relisten.net/grateful-dead/1989/06/21/row-jimmy?source=97470

Althea – https://relisten.net/grateful-dead/1989/07/19/06-althea?source=96918

West L.A. Fadeaway –

High Time – https://relisten.net/grateful-dead/1976/06/19/high-time?source=90869

Stagger Lee – https://relisten.net/grateful-dead/1978/10/18/stagger-lee?source=91553 

YouTube:  

Row Jimmy – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1j9y0oWRbk

Althea – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eL2_Mdc_NfI

West L.A. Fadeaway – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vegTr8pXTQo

High Time – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_bXHbUqOd0&t=495s

#rowjimmy #0621989 #althea #westlafadeaway #07191989 #hightime #06191976 #staggerlee #10181978 #gratefuldead #roberthunter #jerrygarcia #bobweir #phillesh #billkreutzmann #mickeyhart #pigpen #tomconstanten #keithgodchaux #donnagodchaux #brentmydland #brucehornsby #vincewelnick #31daysofdead #linernotesmusicblog

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Dumpster Files: Elissa omnom’d

"Kachim? Oh. I thought you were the driver for a second there... He's supposed to be waiting for my call. - Oh, Well I suppose that can't be helped - Oh you don't have to - I can just call a taxi... Oh Okay, I'll see you soon then." Elissa smiled softly as she hung up her cellphone and picked up her coffee off the counter before picking up her shopping bags. She didn't go to town often alone but she wished to get some shopping done under the pretense of 'personal items' and it wasn't a complete lie as she had grabbed some things she deemed personal like a hairbrush for example. But, mainly? She'd been trying to find a gift for Kachim for all his kindness and help with her family and everything else...  She'd found a store online that was in and unfamiliar part of the city that had a bunch of Russian snack foods that she figured would go well with the other two things she found... The coffee wasn't even as good as Cafe 42 on this side of town and frowning as she stared at her cup but lamenting as she drank it anyways...She'd have to remember to give Michael and Lucas a hardy tip next time she was in Cafe 42 and had some good coffee. She began her stroll up the street to where Kachim had said he'd meet her, He'd be a minute or two so she took her time to look at the windows of the various stores and lingering outside of the new clothing store. It mainly did wedding dresses but occasionally did orders of other stuff and the display tended to show off the designs of a there new designer, Genevieve. Elissa had met her a couple times here and there and although it was a bit odd she liked the 'Sequin crime' line that she'd seen at the fashion show and now was here. The line was all-white clothing from dresses to suits with 'blood' splatter made out of sequins. Her favorite being the 'bleeding heart gown' that was this elaborate wedding gown that had a heart made of sequins that led down into heart-shaped drips down one side of the gown. Morbid? Yes. Interesting? Definitely.   Although she hardly saw it as and omen as she continued, noting the crowd of three that walked up behind her talking to one another about things that didn't concern her.  A short woman with dark hair and blue eyes and two men who seemed to either be brothers or very close looking. Both had black hair at different lengths but one was longer than the other and had several blue and lavender streaks in it; judging by there attire they were getting back from a club or heading to one...   Her fingers plucked her phone back out of her pocket as she debated about calling Darcy or Kachim while she walked as just a lingering unease came from the strangers... It was getting dark now and she shrugged her shoulders as she assumed she was just being paranoid - She'd been such a homebody that she got nervous even when she was in 'safer' areas. She'd raced home after getting spooked by a dog and she didn't want to be that person. Though she should've.A s soon as her phone hit her pocket she felt someone's footsteps come up behind her and before she could turn she felt and arm go around her arms and waist and another one clamp over her mouth, muffling her attempt at a scream.  Her bags hitting the ground followed by her purse falling and somewhat spilling as it hit the ground as she tried to get free and felt the man dragging her towards a nearby alleyway although he wasn't honestly concerned - no one would intervene here. And they knew it... Elissa winced as the man held her close and the other two laughing a little as she squirmed and fought and the sharp prick was extremely familiar as Kachim had bit her once before and as his teeth sunk into her skin. That wasn't the worse part... She'd experienced this and knew what to expect and she was surprisingly calm even in their opinion as he began drinking. As the other man stepped forward was what upset her, feeling his fingers slide under her shirt and pushing it up. But it seemed that was what they were interested in aside from the blood... Her panic and the sound of her heart starting to race and her body shaking... The fear. They weren't like Kachim as they just wanted to see her suffer. Elissa winced as she felt a blade suddenly slide through her wrist smoothly. It hurt more however as the female pressed her lips to it, Sucking and digging her teeth into the parted flesh. Tears stinging her eyes as they began running down her cheeks. The other male continuing to play with her clothes and his hand rubbing against her thighs and laughing at her as her legs pressed together tightly and firmly.  The girl tossing the knife to the other one who used it quickly to slice open her leggings and her thigh, purposefully quite high up to make her more uncomfortable as he pressed his tongue into the wound and a loud cry of pain left her lips as he did so. "Mmph! Off!" Elissa finally managed to bite the vampire's hand only to have him grasp her jawline uncomfortably firmly, Forcing her neck back. "S-Stop! Stop!" She protested loudly as she tried to fight but her fight began to fade rather fast - Kachim was one thing. He was one person and he didn't even mean to hurt her and was upset about it for several days until she'd made it clear he was forgiven...     He took a lot of her blood that first time but it wasn't that bad - If it hadn't been the shock of the entire thing she probably would've bounced back fairly quickly. This was different, there were three vampires and two of them had inflicted deep wounds in places that were bleeding profusely and the lightheaded feeling rushed over her in seconds as her eyes rolled back a little and her entire body went pale as she trembled, slumping back against the vampire behind her and her eyes blurring as she tried to focus and continue fighting. "N-no..." Elissa heard something she couldn't quite place as heavy footsteps were followed by a yell - The language was a blur in her current state but she knew it wasn't English.  She felt a lightness before her body hit the ground - unable to hold herself up despite her failed attempt at it. The blood loss was far too severe as everything blurred and swirled above her. She heard the sounds of a fight before she blacked out.   /x/ Elissa gasped harshly as she woke up and felt a stinging on her wrist almost falling off the counter she was propped upon. Kachim's hand placing against her stomach gently to keep her still and to stop her from falling. "It's okay, Elissa. You're home..." He said quickly and softly to attempt to calm her down. She nodded slowly after a moment as she groaned and leaned back a little... She had large bags under her eyes and felt so weak that even holding her head up felt like severe effort...  She felt several more wounds she didn't recall having and as her eyes focused she noted some faint bite marks here and there and another deep one on her leg that looked like someone was 'dragged' off her and their teeth took some of her flesh with them. Nothing was severe enough to warrant a hospital visit or at least she assumed as much as Kachim seemed to be fine with taking care of her... Though he did look somewhat concerned. Elissa closed her eyes a little bit as she let out a heavy sigh... feeling the soft bandages wrapping around her wrist... The feeling of his fingers sliding across part of her wrist gently - the scars that were there hardly occurring to her as she was still focused on the attack. "What happened...?" She asked softly. " I - I mean I know they were vampires but..I don't remember anything after I fell." He just smiled a little as he reached up and pushed some of the messy strands of hair out of her eyes.  "Don't worry about it right now...Just rest," he assured her and despite her attempt to protest, she found herself already dosing back off even despite the peroxide hitting the wound on her thigh... and lower leg.   /x/ The sunlight hit her eyes and she rolled up into a ball as she pressed her face into the blanket a little bit... She still didn't feel great but better than she had in the bathroom as she pulled herself upright slowly, squinting. The faint sound of something crunching beside her drawing her attention as Kachim smiled, sitting on the other side of the bed on top of the blankets with one of the many Russian snacks she'd bought him in his hand as he yawned a tiny bit.  She noted the faint blush lingering on his cheeks... but simply smiled herself as she let her still weak body rest against his a little. "thank you." she mumbled...  

It’s not like I’m trying to get Kristie to write his perspective. (but I am)

"Kachim? Oh. I thought you were the driver for a second there... He's supposed to be waiting for my call. - Oh, Well I suppose that can't be helped - Oh you don't have to - I can just call a taxi... Oh Okay, I'll see you soon then."

Elissa smiled softly as she hung up her cellphone and picked up her coffee off the counter before picking up her shopping bags. She didn't go to town often alone but she wished to get some shopping done under the pretense of 'personal items' and it wasn't a complete lie as she had grabbed some things she deemed personal like a couple bra's for example. But, mainly? She'd been trying to find a gift for Kachim for all his kindness and help with her family and everything else...  She'd found a store online that was in and unfamiliar part of the city that had a bunch of Russian snack foods that she figured would go well with the other two things she found... The coffee wasn't even as good as Cafe 42 on this side of town and frowning as she stared at her cup but lamenting as she drank it anyways...She'd have to remember to give Michael and Lucas a hardy tip next time she was in Cafe 42 and had some good coffee.

She began her stroll up the street to where Kachim had said he'd meet her, He'd be a minute or two so she took her time to look at the windows of the various stores and lingering outside of the new clothing store. It mainly did wedding dresses but occasionally did orders of other stuff and the display tended to show off the designs of there new designer, Genevieve. Elissa had met her a couple times here and there and although it was a bit odd she liked the 'Sequin crime' line that she'd seen at the fashion show and now was here. The line was all white clothing from dresses to suits with 'blood' splatter made out of sequins. Her favorite being the 'bleeding heart gown' that was this elaborate wedding gown that had a heart made of sequins that led down into heart shaped drips all the way down one side of the gown. Morbid? Yes. Interesting? Definitely.  

Although she hardly saw it as and omen as she continued, noting the crowd of three that walked up behind her talking to one another about things that didn't concern her.  A short woman with dark hair and blue eyes and two men who seemed to either be brothers or very close looking. Both had black hair at different lengths but one was longer than the other and had several blue and lavender streaks in it; judging by there attire they were getting back from a club or heading to one...  

Her fingers plucked her phone back out of her pocket as she debated about calling Darcy or Kachim while she walked as just a lingering unease came from the strangers... It was getting dark now and she shrugged her shoulders as she assumed she was just being paranoid - She'd been such a homebody that she got nervous even when she was in 'safer' areas. She'd raced home after getting spooked by a dog and she didn't want to be that person.

Though she should've..As soon as her phone hit her pocket she felt someone's footsteps come up behind her and before she could turn she felt and arm go around her arms and waist and another one clamp over her mouth, muffling her attempt at a scream.  Her bags hitting the ground followed by her purse falling and somewhat spilling as it hit the ground as she tried to get free and felt the man dragging her towards a nearby alleyway although he wasn't honestly concerned - no one would intervene here. And they knew it...

Elissa winced as the man held her close and the other two laughing a little as she squirmed and fought and the sharp prick was extremely familiar as Kachim had bit her once before and as his teeth sunk into her skin. That wasn't the worse part... She'd experienced this and knew what to expect and she was surprisingly calm even in there opinion as he began drinking.

As the other man stepped forward was what upset her, feeling his fingers slide under her shirt and pushing it up. But it seemed that was what they were interested in aside from the blood... Her panic and the sound of her heart starting to race and her body shaking... The fear. They weren't like Kachim as they just wanted to see her suffer.

Elissa winced as she felt a blade suddenly slide through her wrist smoothly. It hurt more however as the female pressed her lips to it, Sucking and digging her teeth into the parted flesh. Tears stinging her eyes as they began running down her cheeks. The other male continuing to play with her clothes and his hand rubbing against her thighs and laughing at her as her legs pressed together tightly and firmly.  The girl tossing the knife to the other one who used it  quickly to slice open her leggings and her thigh, purposefully quite high up to make her more uncomfortable as he pressed his tongue into the wound and a loud cry of pain left her lips as he did so.

"Mmfh! Mffh!" Elissa finally managed to bite the vampire's hand only to have him grasp her jawline uncomfortably firmly, Forcing her neck back. "S-Stop! Stop!" She protested loudly as she tried to fight but her fight began to fade rather fast - Kachim was one thing. He was one person and he didn't even mean to hurt her and was upset about it for several days until she'd made it clear he was forgiven...    He took a lot of her blood that first time but it wasn't really that bad - If it hadn't been the shock of the entire thing she probably would've bounced back fairly quickly. This was different, there was three vampires and two of them had inflicted deep wounds in places that were bleeding profusely and the lightheaded feeling rushed over her in seconds as her eyes rolled back a little and her entire body went pale as she trembled, slumping back against the vampire behind her and her eyes blurring as she tried to focus and continue fighting. "N-no..."

Elissa heard something she couldn't quite place as heavy footsteps were followed by a yell - The language was a blur in her current state but she knew it wasn't english.  She felt a lightness before her body hit the ground - unable to hold herself up despite her failed attempt at it. The blood loss was far to severe as everything blurred and swirled above her. She heard the sounds of a fight before she blacked out.  

/x/

Elissa gasped harshly as she woke up and felt a stinging on her wrist almost falling off the counter she was propped up on. Kachim's hand placing against her stomach gently to keep her still and to stop her from falling. "It's okay, Elissa. You're home..." He said quickly and softly to attempt to calm her down.

She nodded slowly after a moment as she groaned and leaned back a little... She had large bags under her eyes and felt so weak that even holding her head up felt like severe effort...  She felt several more wounds she didn't recall having and as her eyes focused she noted some faint bite marks here and there and another deep one on her leg that looked like someone was 'dragged' off her and there teeth took some of her flesh with them. Nothing was severe enough to warrant a hospital visit or at least she assumed as much as Kachim seemed to be fine with taking care of her... Though he did look somewhat concerned.

Elissa closed her eyes a little bit as she let out a heavy sigh... feeling the soft bandages wrapping around her wrist... The feeling of his fingers sliding across part of her wrist gently - the scars that were there hardly occurring to her as she was still focused on the attack.

"What happened...?" She asked softly. " I - I mean I know they were vampires but..I don't remember anything after I fell." He just smiled a little as he reached up and pushed some of the messy strands of hair out of her eyes.  "Don't worry about it right now...Just rest." he assured her and despite her attempt to protest she found herself already dosing back off even despite the peroxide hitting the wound on her thigh... and lower leg.  

/x/

The sunlight hit her eyes and she rolled up into a ball as she pressed her face into the blanket a little bit... She still didn't feel great but better than she had in the bathroom as she pulled herself up right slowly, squinting. The faint sound of something crunching beside her drawing her attention as Kachim smiled, sitting on the other side of the bed on top of the blankets with one of the many Russian snacks she'd bought him in his hand as he yawned a tiny bit.  She noted the faint blush lingering on his cheeks... but simply smiled herself as she let her still weak body rest against his a little. "thank you." she mumbled...  

“If you get more of Me, is that enough?”

Usually, starting a new year leads to reflecting on the past year. (I’m only a month behind in posting about 2017, don’t judge). For most, a new year brings excitement for the “new-ness” ahead and anticipation of all that is to come. This year, and other years, too, I dreaded the calendar turning from 2017 to 2018.

Why? Because I allow my attitude to be far too impacted by culture and by the expectations that I feel weighing on me. I look at life in 2017 compared to the year prior, and I see: same job, same roommate, same relationship status, same city, same bedspread, same wardrobe, same car, same struggles…same same same. So what did I really accomplish this past year, anyway? What do I have to show for that time if everything is the same as before?

If I let myself judge my life by external measures of success-- by society’s view of how my career should progress, by how close I am to accomplishing my “5-year goals,” or by whether my circumstances match the plan I would have envisioned for my 26 years of life-- it seems like I am failing. Because the few external changes and resume-worthy accomplishments of my past year only include adding a few letters behind my OTD, paying off a chunk of grad school debt, and joining a Relay for Life team.

God challenged me in the midst of this “new year funk” to look deeper. To reflect on how I had used my time intentionally and faithfully. To shift my perspective from “What did I accomplish?” to “Was I faithful?” And to reflect on what He taught me in the 525,600 minutes of 2017.

In 2017, I attempted to love people well, use my freedom with time and my resources purposefully, understand more deeply what rest looks like, capitalize on my gifts and use them for His glory, pursue adventure, deepen my walk with the Lord, bake a lot and sew some stuff, grow professionally, take risks, pursue vulnerability, and watch “Friends” with my roomie.

God was good to remind me that 2017-- though by external, worldly standards seemed uneventful--was not in vain.

Almost ironic, because the word I chose for 2017 was “perspective.” Not only was it a theme throughout the year, but God also challenged my perspective on the success of the year as it came to a close. Good one, God. (Insert high-five emoji here).

Reflecting on 2017, there were two key truths that I relied upon, clung to, and came to understand more deeply: 

That I don’t walk through any circumstance alone, and 

That nothing God walks me through is in vain; He uses it all for good. 

Both are relatively straightforward truths that I felt like I had learned already. But, as a good friend once told me, it isn’t that we didn’t learn it well enough the first time or that we have to re-learn a truth. Rather, God chooses to go deeper, to the next level, with the truths we have already begun to grasp. So here are some of my (somewhat disorganized) thoughts on those two truths.

1. I don’t walk alone. (You don’t either.) 

God started working on my heart with this one during OT rotations in 2015, and He has continually brought more depth to this truth.

I can give an exposition of verses on the Lord’s faithfulness in this, but to keep it short and sweet, check out the verse I often share with my patients:

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” -Deuteronomy 31:8

He Himself, not just an angel, goes ahead of and with me. 

One of my favorite women (and arguably one of the most wise and godly women in my life) told me this year how she had been comforted by the line “I am never the first one to arrive on the scene; God is always there first.” And it’s been one of my favorite things to remind myself, too. 

In every unexpected schedule change at work, every season of waiting, every adventure, every minute of time spent in the Word, every relationship: He is present. He is near. He is with me in it. And the details- messy or good- don’t surprise Him one bit; He was there before I ever stepped foot into it. 

2. Nothing is in vain: He uses it all for good. (Yes, even that thing.)

(Here’s where I will get wordy.)

I was in Argentina the summer before my senior year of college, and one of the missionaries there said that it would be vital to have an understanding of the sovereignty and goodness of God in order to walk through life’s trials well. How wise she was.

By the grace of God, He has used Scripture and the circumstances of my past 5ish years to bring me to a greater and deeper awareness of His sovereignty and goodness. Of the way in which they dance together and are both entirely true of His character. That He is in complete and utter control and has power to orchestrate any circumstance as He deems fit, yet He also loves me enough to ordain that whatever occurs is for my good. (Side note: my definition of “good” is often not congruent with His. His ‘good’ usually involves growing me and refining me, which is far from enjoyable a lot of the time.) Isaiah 40 and Romans 8:28-29 are just a few passages which have deeply impacted me in this area.

Understanding (minutely) the balance between His sovereignty and goodness had led me to look at situations in which I have felt disappointment, rejection, or loss and ask “Why that, God? I know You are sovereign and good, and I know you are doing something here, so why did You allow that? What was Your purpose in this thing? How are you getting glory through that? Why not? Why so? Where are You at in this, and what are You doing?”

My black-and-white, “everything has a purpose” mind leads me to try to discern the ‘whys’ behind my circumstances and justify them by listing ways God has worked in or through them. Just steal my journal someday and you’ll see lists and lists as evidence of this. It was sure the case for 2017.

And yet many times this year, as I tried to glean out of situations the tangible answer to how God used it for good, I heard God say, “But Bets, you got more of Me through that situation; was that enough of a reason? Do you need more of an answer to ‘why?’, or is knowing more of Me enough? The good I gave you was deeper dependence on Me, greater understanding of My character, and greater knowledge of the depth of My love for you.” 

Talk about convicting.

So in that “new year funk” of mine, I started reflecting on the faithfulness of God. I landed on Lamentations 3 in a passage I’d memorized in the past, but this time it hit with new meaning as God connected some dots. The question above that I heard Him asking me was backed by His Word.

Skip to verse 25 if you don’t want to read my rambling, because that’s the verse that really got me.

Lamentations 3:19-26

“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” 

 At this point, I could just type the word “boom” and stop writing because that passage says it all itself. Read it again and you’ll agree. But here are a few ways it spoke to me.

“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope.” -v. 19-21

I can understand this bit about his soul. Life can stink. My soul gets downcast, too. (Hence, my “new year funk.”) 

What do I call to my mind when I am in the midst of affliction? When my soul is downcast? I know myself well enough to know that my mind goes somewhere and dwells on something. So what do I call to mind? What do I dwell upon? It is an active, intentional thought process to call to mind that which brings hope.

“Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” -v. 21-23

Jeremiah called to mind that which brought hope in the midst of a downcast state. What brings hope? Remembrance of the Lord’s great love, the Lord’s faithfulness, and the Lord’s compassion. Because of His love, I am not consumed by sin or fear or worry or doubt or lies or insecurity. Because of His love, I remain. And when do His compassions fail? Never. They are new every morning, they reset daily.

Call that to mind, Betsy. Reset your perspective to my unchanging, unfailing, unshakeable character. I love you recklessly and relentlessly, I am entirely faithful toward you- I don’t reject you or change my mind about you- and I have great compassion toward you. Dwell there, rather than on your affliction and unanswered questions.

“I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ -v. 24

ˆWhat do I say to myself? I don’t have multiple personalities, but I do talk to myself throughout the day. What things am I telling myself? Do I speak truth to myself or speak down to myself? Do I speak discontentment and self-reliance, or claim the sufficiency of Christ? Do I remind myself that He is enough, even when my heart doesn’t feel it to be true or when my soul doesn’t see it? Do I claim Him as my portion? Do I wait for Him?

And finally, verse 25: 

“The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” -v. 25-26

I used to read this verse and view it through the lens of “The Lord does good to those who hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.” That very well may also be true. But in reading it this time, God opened my eyes to something different. It reads “The Lord IS good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.” Re-read that slower. Then track with me for a second, cause this is more difficult to communicate through writing than in person.

Those who hope in and seek the Lord, to those ones, the Lord makes Himself known as good. 

Those who hope in and seek Him see His goodness firsthand, all because they see and know Him. Those who hope in and seek Him get Him, the ultimate good. They grasp, they perceive, they comprehend--they GET-- His goodness. In the seeking and hoping (note that the seeking and hoping is a vital part of the deal), they get a deeper understanding of His character, a bigger view of His faithfulness, a clearer glimpse of His unfathomable love. They get a deep, personal, intimate, fulfilling, sustaining relationship with Him. Those who choose to seek and hope in Him see just how stinking good He truly is, in every way. They grasp that in its fullness in the midst of pursuing Him. (How many other ways can I try to say it?) But truly, what a gift. 

And grasping His goodness shifts everything. At least, it should. For even when circumstances may be far from desirable, God is faithful, gracious, sure, merciful, just, constant, unfailing, near, forgiving, sovereign, true--- and thus He is good.

The next line in my journal was: Let my greatest good in this life be knowing You. 

Followed by the same idea in question form: God, is my greatest good in this life knowing more of you?  

I pray that question challenges you as much as it does me. Because He keeps bringing it up again and again and again. And if I’m honest, most of the time the answer isn’t ‘yes.’ 

Most of the time, I want God AND “(fill in the blank).” 

Betsy, Is knowing me a greater “good” and of greater worth than anything else? Greater than being respected at work? Greater than marrying a like-minded laborer? Greater than being known and loved? Greater than paying off grad school loans? Greater than having and raising little munchkins? Greater than your reputation? Greater than your success? Greater than your self-image? Greater than being wise or faithful? 

Talk about a kick in the gut. 

In light of that, my prayer for 2018 is for God to continue to deepen my understanding of these two truths- of His constant presence and His sovereign-goodness. I pray that I would see God as the greatest good I can attain, that I would pursue Him as my greatest good, and that doing so would lead me to actually treasure knowing Him as my greatest good.

The greatest gift God can give you is more of Himself.

And a side note: When adventuring leads to spiritual analogies.

Ask my adventure buddy Em, and she will tell you that I come up with analogies during every backpacking trip we’ve taken. I’m like on the struggle bus to catch my breath hiking uphill (while she is trekking along with her heart rate in the 80′s) and I am thinking up analogies. (Things like how we miss beauty in life when the going gets tough because we get so focused on the rough terrain in order to prevent tripping and faceplanting- and how we need to stop and take a minute to look up at the beauty surrounding us. Stuff like that.)

Well, we went snowshoeing in January, and trekked 7 miles and 2,500 feet up into the Colorado mountains to a remote cabin. Gorgeous and totally worth it. Up there, I saw the most incredible stars I have ever witnessed. I am so not exaggerating here- those stars were brighter and more numerous than I have ever seen before- and likely will ever again experience. And the reason they were so incredibly visible and beautiful? It was because our cabin, though up a mountain, was surrounded on three sides by massive rocks and was removed from any outside source of light.

In the darkest places, light shines the brightest.

I think the same can be true in life. 

Yes, it is in the hoping and seeking Him that I truly get Him and see Him as good. And often the times when I am most aware of the depth of my need for Him, the times when I hope most and seek most-- those can also be the toughest times. The darkest times.

But take heart, because in the toughest times, His nearness, love, sufficiency- and ultimately His goodness- can be most evident. I know this from experience. Let that be a truth to cling to in the midst of the trial. In the ‘whys,’ in the midst of the struggles of this life, in the darkness, choose to see the light. Look for Him and how He is drawing you close, revealing Himself, and going before and with you.

I love quotes, so here are some of my faves from the year on this concept.

I know now Lord why you utter no answer; you are yourself the answer. -C.S Lewis

God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything He knows. -Tim Keller

The one aim of the call of God is the satisfaction of God, not a call to do something for Him. -Oswald Chambers

One does not surrender a life in an instant. That which is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime. – Jim Elliot

His goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you His. -Max Lucado

We are restless until our hearts find their rest in thee. -Augustine

Waiting upon God is an evidence of love to him. -Matthew Henry

“You are entirely faithful.” Psalm 89:8 NLT

“How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.” Psalm 31:19

I also love John 9:1-3 and John 11 for seeing God’s purpose and plan behind the circumstances I am so quick to question.

Here’s to seeking the greatest good in 2018.