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plungermusic · 2 years

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It’s been ages coming, as Pan said to the actress ...

Rob Millis, session/sideman stalwart of the London scene and soi-disant “appalling liberal old hippie twat”, wears his heart (and several other body parts) on his sleeve in his long-planned, long-awaited debut release… and you can see from the cover how excited everyone is that he’s finally got it out!

Musically it’s heavily influenced by 60s American soul and R&B, and leavened with a large dollop of English irreverence (like many of the Brit bands of the late 60s / early 70s whose music was in deadly earnest but who didn’t take themselves too seriously). Politics and passion are the main themes as exemplified by opener For Want Of Love, a New Orleans-via-New Malden 60s soul lament for our times with fine Wurlitzer electric piano and smooth girly bvs, and the blues-tinged swinging political-philippic-cum-paean to his wife of That Thing Called You, which features nicely judged interjections from Mal Barclay’s guitar.

There are flashes of the Bonzos here and there, not least in Caution: Stoned Idiot At Work’s Stanshall-like take on a Band slow waltz, (whose jokey tale of cannabis-scuppered amour belies the complex chordal arrangements) and the very Neil Innes anti-Brexiteer broadside of The Swivel-Eyed, which again for all its acidic humour features a fine call-and-response with the backing singers, Jeff Savage’s measured harp solo, and an appropriately trenchant organ break. [Check out the video on YouTube for this, it’s a hoot...]

More humour appears in the Alan Price-meets-The Kinks (or X-rated Obla-di?) domestic ballad Dented Tins: a half time groove, with great fat brassy slide from James Beck, that encompasses “tinned food, cunnilingus-denial and vintage guitars…” A (slightly) more serious look at love comes in My Unrequited Flame, a Carole King-ish piano-led ballad to misplaced love-that-never-was: its conversational confessional is accompanied with lush girly bvs and tight, easy listening rhythm guitar and rich production to underline its earnest.

There’s further polish in Somebody Needs The Sack, another lament, this time for lost billions in the 2008 crisis with hints of Beatlesque psychedelia from reverbed guitars, mellotron and tricksy timings, and also featuring some excellent early-Preston organ from Rob.

Jokes and jibes take a back seat in two heartfelt numbers: Dear Friends is an organ-backed blues-doo-wop tribute to friends old and new who have buoyed him through these dark times, while Smile On is an unashamedly emotional tribute to his old West London musical sparring partner and chum Jules Fothergill. A slow Memphis soul-waltz sprinkled with tasteful ornamentation and double-guitar interplay from Mike Ross, great gospelly bvs, and a stonking Gregg-ish organ burst.

While Rob might not be a Brooker or an Allman in the vocal department, his heart (and spleen and everything else) pour out through his delivery - and he is no slouch on organ, piano (electric and non-), mellotron, clavinet, and on occasion even rhythm and bass guitars… and he has a crack bunch of musicians behind him (as well as those already named: John Gordon bass; Graham Walker drums; and combinations of Toni Fortune, Clarence Hunte, An'drusilla Mosley and Lauren Dove providing backing vocals.)

A record that’s as fun and provoking as the cover art (Parental Guidance - may offend the easily offended…)

Available to download/stream now from here: https://robmillisuk.bandcamp.com/releases

Rob will be performing songs from the album at its launch at The Cavern Freehouse on Wednesday 10th August - free entry!

#rob millis #debut album #wit and wisdom #pith and vinegar

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politicalprof · 4 years

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2019 in books:

David McCullough, 1776: A highly accessible, if somewhat naive, depiction of the year that defined the prospects for American independence. I wouldn’t go there for deep, critical analysis. But for a story of a year, it is well done.

Michael Palin, Erebus: HMS Erebus was a British naval vessel that spent much of its career in Arctic and Antarctic exploration. If you are interested in Victorian era explorations of hard places, a fascinating read.

Emilio Corsetti III, 35 Miles from Shore: The story of an airline crash in the early 1970s in the Caribbean. What happened, why, how, who survived and what we learned. Interesting if not brilliant.

Raymond Thorp, Crow Killer: Old-fashioned tale of the inspiration behind the Robert Redford movie Jeremiah Johnson. As much fantasy as history. But it offers a flavor of a time and a subgroup few Americans would know.

James Corey, Caliban’s War: The second book of “The Expanse” series. The protomolecule is working its mojo, and Earth, Mars and the Belters are none too happy with one another. A fun read of a massive space opera.

Walter Kempowski, All for Nothing: Set in the context of the collapsing Eastern Front during WWII, this story proceeds from the fractured point of view of the Germans who are about to be turned into refugees fleeing oncoming Soviet forces. The book, notably, does not make these Germans sources of sympathy: the mood is dissonant and disordered. A real piece of literature.

Hilary Mantel, Wolf Hall: Because who doesn’t want a point-of-view account of a key counselor to Henry VIII, one who rose to extraordinary wealth and power despite his humble birth and then managed the, how shall we say, removal of Kathrine as Queen? Replaced by Anne Boleyn? Who wouldn’t want to read it? It’s excellent, by the way.

James Corey, Abaddon’s Gate: Book three of The Expanse, and the protomolecule has remade humanity’s relationship to the universe. But we’ll probably screw that up, too. Another good story, filled with actual thought about the problems of space travel and space living.

MIchael Krondl, The Taste of Conquest: The Rise and Fall of the Three Great Cities of Spice: Venice, Lisbon and Amsterdam each in their turn dominated the global spice trade -- a trade that was one of the main stimuli for early colonialism and imperial conquest, and which strongly influenced the rise of the modern corporation as a linch-pin of global capitalism. The book is not as good as it should be, but the story is one that few people know, but should.

Hilary Mantel, Bring Up the Bodies: Hey, it’s time to get rid of Anne Boleyn everyone! Or, at least, to separate her head from her body. And let’s manage the English Reformation, too ... all just a few years before losing our own head. Welcome to the early/middle 1500s in England everyone!

Leigh Perry, A Skeleton in the Family: Who doesn’t have a skeleton living in their house who helps solve mysteries. I mean, who doesn’t?

JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone: So my son has started reading Harry Potter. So I have started reading Harry Potter. I liked this book: it’s tight, it’s focused, it’s a fun read. I see the appeal.

Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The answer to the questions: “What if the angels and demons charged with over-seeing Earth as humans go from the Garden of Eden to Armageddon decide that they like Earth and don’t want Armageddon to happen (even if their allies do)? And what if the Anti-Christ were raised in a perfectly mundane family in a perfectly mundane English village? How might it all turn out?” To delightful and funny effect.

JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Meh. Okay. Not as good as book one. But still a good story.

Gilbert King, Devil in the Grove: Thurgood Marshall, the Groveland Boys, and the Dawn of a New America: A broad pastiche of events surrounding one of the many civil rights cases of the 1940s and 50s: the abuses and murders of several African American men accused of raping a white woman in Lakeland, FL, in 1949. With a whole lot of associated discussions of other cases, the NAACP, corrupt and criminal law enforcement, race riots, and the like. A good read. And how can it be that the bastard George HW Bush, put Clarence Thomas on the Supreme Court to fill a seat once held by the staggering legal figure that was Thurgood Marshall. Shameful is the only word.

JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Certainly better than the Chamber of Secrets. A darker turn. But beginning to get padded as readers demanded “more” if not “better.”

James Corey, Cibola Burn: Book 4 of The Expanse ... and I didn’t like it. It seemed like filler, a book written to a contract deadline. Maybe it will pay off in the end. But another one like that and I’m not going to care.

Tom Phillips, Humans: A Brief History of How We Fucked It All Up: Did you know our oldest known ancestor, Lucy, probably died by falling out of a tree? If stories about how people have messed things up, have suffered both intentional and unintentional consequences, turn you on, do I ever have the book for you. Schadenfreude much?

JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Dear lord is this book long. Why? No doubt because the fans wanted it to be. But it is as gratuitously padded as any book I have ever read. It’s okay. But I wasn’t particularly impressed. Perhaps another six Quidditch matches would have helped ....

Adam Higginbotham, Midnight in Chernobyl: Thought the HBO miniseries was scary? It was tame. I mean: the Soviets, with their level of “technical prowess” and their industrial “quality control checks” ran the facility. Heck, Chernobyl wasn’t even their first disaster. Let’s just put it this way: the actual fuel piles in each of the FOUR Chernobyl reactors were so big that: 1) different sections had different characteristics, and didn’t all operate at the same rates or temperatures; and 2) the monitoring equipment couldn’t record how all of the pile was operating at any time. Happy now? Russia still has 10 Chernobyl-style reactors in operation. Enjoy your good night’s sleep everyone!

JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Yes, yes: I know. This isn’t Order of the Phoenix. Well, I read Order of the Phoenix many years ago, and thought it was deeply annoying. A pile of words with little point. A way to keep the audience happy with long passages about very little.

Meanwhile, I, like my son, roared through Half-Blood Prince. A ripping good tale. Much tighter than the last several of the series.

JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: A fine read. A bit slow getting going: let’s go here! Let’s go there! Let’s recap the plot! But after the first 1/3 or so, the story got moving and I enjoyed it. Didn’t expect great literature; didn’t get great literature. But then again, I deeply appreciate how much pleasure my son got from this, and how excited my daughter is to engage with it. If it hadn’t been conceived and written, it seems like there’d be a Harry Potter sized hole in the universe.

Neil Gaiman, American Gods: In all honesty, I didn’t really like the first 2/3 of this book: too many tangents; too many sub-stories for the sake of sub-stories. And I’m still not sure I think it was a great book. But I really enjoyed the last third of it, and there were moments, vignettes, and sentences that truly blew me away. So I am glad I stayed with it.

Kameron Hurley, The Light Brigade: A sci fi story of soldiers apparently engaged in a war with Mars who are transported to the battlefield as beams of light. One gets unhinged from time. I am not sure it was worth the work, and I came to understand it was based on a short story and so, at times, it seemed a bit one-trick pony-ish. But it had its share of moments.

Daniel James Brown, The Boys in the Boat: A bit slow going at first, but it grows more compelling as it moved forward. This is the story of the 1936 crew (rowing) team at the University of Washington that went to Berlin and won the gold medal as Adolf Hitler watched. An interesting story about crew as a sport (about which I knew basically nothing), and life in Depression-era Washington state -- with a little, somewhat gratuitous, commentary about life in Nazi Germany layered in. One takeaway? The actor Hugh Laurie’s father was the lead oarsman on the British crew at Berlin in 1936. Hugh Laurie rowed crew at Cambridge as well.

James Corey, Nemesis Games: The next in the Expanse series. Much more enjoyable than the last one, but still a bit strained. One heck of a plot “twist.” A perfectly lovely way to relax; didn’t change my life. Some interesting character twists. But also a lot of “here are some giant developments (a lot of giant stuff) that give us lots of things to write about going forward!”

Alan Stern and David Grinspoon, Chasing New Horizons: the story of the New Horizons mission to Pluto. Interesting behind the scenes look at how the mission got funded, planned and implemented. Accessible in terms of the explanations; thick with bureaucratic story-telling and summary. It turns out this stuff is really, really hard. Interesting, but it didn’t blow me away.

And to end the year, I am reading: Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal: What if 13 year old Jesus had a buddy who, 2000 years later, wrote a gospel that filled in those missing years of Joshua’s (as Biff calls Jesus) life? Well, here’s your answer.

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mixchronicles-futureboyfriend · 6 years

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Dear Future Boyfriend – Is My Picker Off?

I was listening to Lauryn Hill today. I know…. I know, how very retro of me. It’s like Urban Outfitters bringing back vinyl. Anyhow, I was in one of those snobby, ugh everything sucks, good music is dead and gone moods. You remember, the kind of moods your mom use to have when you were dancing around the house singing “Andele andele momma E.I E.I uh oh what’s poppin tonight”. Hummm she was on to something, those were stupid lyrics. Anyhow with my judgy nose in the air I dusted off my 8-track and whipped out a little L Boogie. When I was younger, I remember loving me some Lauryn Hill. Of course, this was before she let a man drive her to the edge of crazy town and “the man” lock her away like Ms. Sophia. But those days are so hard to remember. So yes, before Lauryn Hill became the one chord strummer taking all of your money for concerts she’ll either never attend or arrive when the band is packing up, she was the best female singer/songwriter/mc this game had ever seen. And she personally knew Sister Mary Clarence So she was kind of a G. But when I was younger I didn’t fully understand her genius. Skipping ahead a couple decades, I’m now listening to her music and hearing her lyrics through a different lens. She really was on another level, but like Kanye she’s now so much of a public nutcase we sometimes forget. Flipping throw the tracks, When It Hurts So Bad,has me now rethinking my entire dating history. “What you want might make you cry and what you need might pass you by if you just let him…” Hummmm now that some deep ish, Lauryn. And just like that, bam it hits. Future Boyfriend, it’s quite possible we’ve already met, maybe even shared a laugh, but never connected because I was/am just too foolish to see your full potential.

See I don’t have a type… at least I don’t think I do. Physically I’ve dated all types of men. Tall, short, slim, stocky, and douche-y. And yes douche is a physical characteristic. It’s all over their face, especially in their eyes. Personalities have varied as well. I’ve dated serious guys, goofy guys, considerate guys and the good ole fashion a-hole guys. But it seems like I’m not dating the good guy and especially not the right guy. If anything, the worse he is for me the harder I’ll try to make it work. Yeah, my picker’s off. And I know, I shouldn’t be picking – I’m the catch he’s the prey. I get it, but I’m too vain to end up with a wildebeest so I keep trying… unsuccessfully. And now I’m frozen in fear. I don’t know what’s a good catch, or rather who’s my catch. And Future Boyfriend, this year has been the worse year yet. I started the year saying, maybe it’s me. Perhaps I come off too strong. I should do something totally different. The next guy I meet, I’m going to chill and see where it takes me. Well it took me to the land of nowhere. Some men aren’t built to be leaders and after two months of getting dressed up to go on movie “dates” with a handsome prospect who never made a move… like he never tried to hold my hand or even kiss me, and after the 6thflick, I had to accept this was not dating. He was just practicing for his future in a senior living facility. It was time to get out before he graduated to Bridge. From there I decided maybe it’s the looks. I keep picking these handsome men who are a disaster on the inside, maybe I should put away my shallow cap and dig deep into the character of a man. So, I dated a seven. Someone who’s not too ugly to sleep with… eventually, but not so handsome he’s forgets, I’m the prize in this pack. Well that too was unsuccessful. Mainly, because LA grades their men on a curve. So, the seven thought he was a dime and I just couldn’t see myself getting played by a seven. That would be tragic. Which brings me to my last guy. An emotionally unavailable man who calls his ex his “best friend” as an excuse to spend time with her. And unfortunately for us both, I’ve stalked her Instagram, purely for research purposes, and the conclusion is… I don’t do threesomes and I’m not sure he understands the definition of the word “ex”. So Future Boyfriend, I’m officially stuck. Everyone I pick is pointless. Dating them long term, I’m destine for a road of tears and heartache. But those are the ones I keep getting. And you, well I’m sure you have looped past me twice. So, it’s time you get a bit more aggressive. Trip me, catch me, hell hold up a sign. But identify yourself, because honestly, my choices just can’t be trusted these days.

Xo,

Mix

#dating #bad dating #love actually #lauryn hill #when it hurts so bad #bad picker #exes #movies #seven #urban outfitter #good music #dear future boyfriend #mix chronicles

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locshar · 7 years

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The White Princess Diaries- Ep 2

This is how the Yorks do York!!

The White Princess –Episode 2 but feels as if it should be Episode 14…

And he’s still not in it – even as a ghost…

Good news TWP diary readers!

This one will be a lot shorter!

Partly because I got bored half way through and decided to find out how long it took my colour-changing kettle boil water. Honestly!

BUT – I had been told my most favourite guy (next to Aneurard) would be making a star appearance – which was very magnanimous of him as he never appeared anywhere in TWQ (at least not in the Starz version eh diary readers…he! he! he!)

So – I girded my loins, poured a very tall drink, and began:

Warning! Social media revelation!

Remember that little craze about the ‘is the dress black and blue or blue and gold?’ I bet you didn’t know it was a Tudor invention. Mini-Lizzie-ish wears one gown throughout the whole of this episode, despite getting rounder with a big- but big- but definitely a bit bigger baby. I was so relieved to see that the Battle of Bosworth made very little change on the budget for women’s clothing (apart from a significant reduction in the size of Cecily’s hat collection and the fact that Henry now seems to be clad in the finest carpet)

Going back to said gown (yes we are) What is interesting ( to me anyway) is that the top of the gown was blue (I think) and the bottom of the gown was gold ( I think) and to me it seemed in danger of merging totally into one colour as she got bigger.

Or – it could have been a cleverly crafted represented her transition from the House of York to the Bungalow of Tudor – so she sort of became a Yudor - not to be confused with Yoda! (Jedi is she? In the wrong production she is).

That’s that lot off my chest, so here we go, *strains of all too familiar music are heard ..*

Well – King Whoenry appears to be wearing a smoking jacket (pity its not blazing) and Mini-ish Lizzie s in said confused about its identity dress. (apparently now available to buy £40 should do it). All to show you that he now really fancies the bloomers off her and she is playing all hard to get (see that attitude disappear by episode three…) #spoileralert?

Oh for George of Clarence’s sake – now we have the Battle of Bosworth being reenacted in a bird cage. Honestly! It’s a bird cage! ‘How cheep’ I hear you say! And you would be right to twitter! I think they made it out of all the spare wood from the trees they hauled into Bruges – er I mean – Westminster –when Eddie had that marvelous masked ball! You know! The one where his wife wore a unicorn head and his brother went beserk!

But who is that by the door? Oh my god – its Moaning Morton – we know it is him because he tells it is and is very helpful by also reeling off all his titles because he is also very peeved that he was not in the earlier episodes. After all, did you know it was him who actually persuaded Rory of Buckingham to have that awful haircut!

Now Dr Whoenry is going on a royal progress. An ideal time for the flowers in the attic (which is where Woodiwitch and her children now appear to live) to regale us with lots of little details that we would not know have happened since King Richard was killed (sob sob sob wail! I will never get over that….obviously)

Apparently Stafford has not bent the knee (well there were two of them really so there would be four to bend)

Hang on! Cursed Codpieces! Francis Lovell did what?

Now apart from all you first time TWQ watchers who may be going “Who?” I can assure you that Francis Lovell (King Richard’s best mate and part-time camoflague expert) NEVER EVER EVER bent his knee to Tudor.

Now – I admit. He may have wanted to bend his knee and plant it squarely in the royal jewels area of a certain Chewdor bloke, but that’s it. Now it appears “Lovell is our man and when we find him…”

Well best of luck with that then as I searched all ten episodes three years ago with a tooth comb and a magnifying glass and never got a sniff! But, for dramatic licence I bet Nokia Ned may suddenly have his GPS turned on and find him with no trouble at all #spoileralert

Now they are all getting dressed in up in everything to go everywhere (Yes they are EE Mobile) – but not York. It seems there is no service there. Or no one wants to pay service to him. King Henrywho decided to wear black (very fitting) and even found a sword to play with. Even if he wasn’t quite sure which was the sharp end.

Shirking Stanley loves his new velvet beret so much he has hardly taken it off at all since he bought it. And I bet is it reversible!

Even the horses are decked in gold plastic – sorry – expensive gold armour.

King Whoenry is in a real strop because he keeps telling us there is NO WAY he is going to York as they are all bad men up there who loved a man who according to some historians never ever went further than Warwick. But Mini Lizzie-ish is determined he will go to York, because she is secretly writing to her ex-lovers very best ex-mate who you haven’t seen before and asking him to kill the husband she now has and making him an ex-husband! This series is almost ex-rated. (its certainly not ex-citing)

Because King Whoenry is scared, he puts his best crown on and crows on about Margaret of York (last seen in 1468 exiting over the channel) has attacked two ships with the aid of Captain Jack Sparrow – and has obviously done that because Henry is such a clever usurper he has stopped all her trade restrictions (God this is painful and apologies – I invented the Capt Sparrow bit in there just to liven up the script. It was actually Capt Birdseye)

The silent ladies-in-waiting can't be bothered to wait and all bugger off somewhere to be silent somewhere else but no one realises – or cares.

Now there’s rather a lot of royal mail – and no where near enough of a certain royal Male –as there are letters flying about all over the place. To Francis Lovell, and Harry Stafford (the dead one?) and my sainted the king’s lady mother.

Ooh look – just in time! it's Nokia Ned. And he has a letter saying Henry’s no good in bed – does no one realise he could have just sent a text and stayed in the stables?

Lizzie-Mini-ish is now off to York because King Whoenry has been told if he doesn’t go to York he will have to go to bed with no dinner.

Everyone is worried about Mini-Lizzie-ish because although her child is blooming no-one can even see it beneath the very slim 22 inch waist encased in the gold-not blue-not gold gown. I’m not. She is not pregnant – obviously – only in this epic – sorry episode!

But now she can’t go because of the swearing sickness – oh sorry – it’s the sweating sickness – its just this episode which is making me swear. So instead of her daughter the older Lizzie-ish decides she is going to York and even packs a nice flock suitcase –and uses Nokia Ned to print off her bedding – sorry – boarding passes.

I then got very confused – but maybe because my kettle actually started to boil colourfully! There were some children, the sight of King Henrywhos chicken legs in bed and then the children appeared to be being attacked by Cardinal Moaning. (Well we didn’t see any of that in TWQ did we ladies! Hmnnn? What does that say about a Tudor court?)

Basically Lizzie-Maxi – is now a prisoner to prevent her going north of Warwick and Moaning Morton will pray for her - like bugger he will!

Can I summarise this next bit? Please? Great!!

1. Henry has a cloak by Axminster. It certainly isn’t a shag pile!

2. His armour appears to be gold PVC

3. Everyone is getting sick (I know the feeling)

4. Lady Elizabeth De La Poodle (geddit?) is shocked when she is told she can no longer ride side-saddle because times have changed! Bloody hell! Thank god for the Tardis! We are obviously now in the 19th Century!

So they all sod off to York (other northern cities are available)

Lizzie Maxi is now ripping up her underwear, writing on it with blood, and giving Nokia Ned another ring. Unluckily this time, he doesn’t pick up. He’s a bit thick and it takes his horse – Shergar – to tell him his phone is ringing (sorry – show him where Elizabeth’s ring has landed in the long grass!)

Suitably engaged (he! he!) – she now flings her underwear out of the window so that Nokia Ned can hoof it up to a nice country mansion where Francis Lovell may well have been living since 1473.

Now that King Whoenry has left London – Moaning Morton is shutting the whole of the city down and leaving everyone in the dark. Teddy (the Earl of Warwick – not the dead one tho) wants to play “Fox and Geese” but Moaning Morton has hidden all the toys away. Bloody spoilsport! I bet that is because even Teddy could have beaten Dr Whothehellishe at board games.

Now The Duchess of Hatlessfield is back and so goes to visit everyone in the dark and is so pissed off she decides she is going to Burgundy because that’s where all the booze is!

But meanwhile…somewhere in leafy England… the postman has arrived…..Nokia Ned rings a bell ….a door opens… an old man with an Aneurin-Bur coloured beard answers the door and takes a letter from him…no one speaks a bloody word mind you during this scene…..so this could be a completely different programme or the adverts…but then, the letter says….something like…

“Dear Francis Lovell, I know you really have lots of important titles as you were the most influential man in England apart from the King in 1483-85 but I am rapidly dying of blood loss and have already written 40,000 words. We are so sorry but we won’t be able to meet you in York now as my battery is flat and London is completely in the dark. As we can’t get there would you mind awfully forgiving Emma Frost and Philippa Gregory for leaving you out of The White Queen completely and for not casting Henry Cavill in your character now they have realised you actually existed - and go and stab Henry for me. Thanking you in anticipation. Ex Queenie and her sprogs”

Now I know we didn’t see Aneurard’s best mate inTWQ (neither did he) but I know a few things about Frank (we are on good terms!)

a) He was not older than Aneurard – or King Whoenry – in fact he was about the same age as King Whoenry.

b) If he had a beard – it would not have been that one.

c) He did not spend his months after Bosworth living in a house, a very nice house in the country….he spent most of them in sanctuary

d) He did not bend his knee….oh, done that one.

So – after a lot more of whatever went on – we are in York! And the good people of Yorkshire have already heard about King Whoenry as the mayor ( I assume) steps up – looking all northern in the best Starz tradition – ie he is wearing a pork pie hat – and hands over all his money to the king. You didn’t see that in TWQ either #justsaying

There is a flurry of activity, Gandalf in a blue cloak – oh sorry I think that is supposed to be Francis – and because King Henrywho can’t hide behind anyone this time he gets wounded. Disclaimer – other versions of this historic visit to York are available.

Cue horses riding about in Sherwood Forest ( aka Yorkshire) Bells ringing – a very dark church where the king takes refuge and a sudden clarity when he remembers he is 28 years old. Nice to know they got his age right here – they couldn’t make their minds up in TWQ.

So, the rebels with a bloody good cause ride north and are chased by Stand Up Stanley. But him and his 30 men are stopped by 5 rebels parked across the road and as Francis disappears into Sherwood forest in his hood ( this is how legends start girls and boys) Stanley – or it could have been Grasper Chewdor – bored now - decides that 30 against 5 is not good odds for him so they let them go.

They then report back to King Whoenry that they lost him at Middleham. Where? Is a entire audience now looking around at each other and saying “Where’s Middleham?” OK – think north of Sheriff Hutton…sorry Woodville Manor North Yorkshire!

And still Francis has not said a word as he rides of back to Bestwood…with his merry rebels and a friar – they are so tired they need to find some tuck….

Well that excitement over – heres the rest in a nutshell…

I. Lizziemini is still in the same frock

II. People are dying of the swearing sickness – I call it that because Dr King Whoenry swears it was nothing to do with his mercenaries brought out of prision to usurp a country

III. Lizzie maxi is playing Rapunzel in a Tower

IV. A priest is smoking in the diddly diddly cloister

V. Henry can write (see below)

VI. Lizzie ish pisses off Moaning Morton by breaking into the treasury and stealing all Henry’s (well Aneurard’s really) gold

VII. Breathing in very deeply is apparently a medieval form of abortion

VIII. Teddy and his sister give all the gold away to the poor ( Hurrah for the Yorks)

IX. Everyone is now playing ‘Fox and Geese” at least they are all wearing beaks

X. Lizzies (x 2) are both fed up of being cooped up ( I told you HortonhearsaWho was a chicken!)

XI. James of Scotland needs a wife – so Henrywho thinks it could be Lizzie (which one? Who cares? It doesn’t happen!)

XII. Mad Cags is told to stop flirting with NotGrasper

XIII. Princess Cecily doesn’t do much but at least she’s got off the bed but is writing secret letters to Mad Cags – well no one else want to hear her whinge

XIV. All of the people are suddenly cured and thank MiniLizzi for it – which pisses of her mum because she wanted everyone to die, whoever was left to blame the king, and whoever was left, probably Francis, to kill Dr Who.

XV. Yes, I am losing the plot. And the will to live (and what plot?)

XVI. King Henrywho suddenly realizes Teddy is not so bare of lineage as he thought – remembers he is a York – and locks him up in the Tower. That will be the last you see of him – until he is at least 54 and meeting Perkin Warden

XVII. Oh yes – where has he gone?

XVIII. The peasants are revolting ( the old ones are the best)

XIX. Dr Whoenry is so frightened that Mag Cags is going to knit him a personal bodyguard.

XX. The king is not at all happy that his wife is more popular than him and people shout out for her in the street (note to Lizzie – avoid Paris and Mercedes Benz cars)

XXI. Francis is now in Burgundy – I hope he has taken his Visa-card with him as if he ends up in the wine bar with Duchess Dyson it could be expensive. I bet she sucks up some drink!

XXII. Grasper and Strange – or it’s that Strange Grasper are being sent to Burgundy (psst don’t mention the trade restrictions!)

XXIII. Stanley is pissed that he wont get the chaunce to shew erf his accent and his nuu beret!

XXIV. As it is now raining the king is in a pac-a-mac. Its not just any pac-a-mac – it’s a designer leather pac-a-mac. Its DickheadNY!

XXV. Suddenly Not so Mini-Lizzi is nine months preggers and it is time for her confinement. The bloody lycra in that blue-but gold-but blue dress is amazing!

The end – I can’t wait for Ep 3 – apart from I can- just to see what happens when the booze cruise hits Burgundy.

Appendix 1

“Dear Mrs King Whoenry, this is your husband writing to you from York. Well, its my scribe writing actually as I don’t now how to and all the furniture has disappeared and so I am stuck with standing up, swanning around in my best Berber, and glowering at everyone like a sulky teenager. A man you will never have heard of called Francis Lovell has stabbed me in the flesh! Yes! Me! I have flesh! Ok I know it looks like scales but I am using medication and hope it will get better soon….anyway… so I am wounded. Not mortally. In fact, its barely a fleshwound. More of a scratch really. In fact, it probably never happened at all. So, I am coming home. Its raining, my carpet is very wet and heavy, my plastic armour chafes and as I have eaten my fill of Yorkshire Parkin. In fact if I ever hear the word ‘Parkin’ again, I will have someone’s head. Honest! Your Tudor husband, Doctor King Henry the King of Kings. PS…will you still be wearing that blue-but gold-but blue dress when I get home you minx? You know how partial I am to a bit of parti-coloured damask!”

Appendix 2 –

Dear Francis Lovell

If you fancy a pint, I can hop on the next P&O Ferry!

Much love – your favourite diarist (and author of Desmond’s Daughter).

2 notes · View notes