#dayonehundredandthirtyeight | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elle-stevens · 4 years

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Sooooo...I’m tipsy right now.

In my defense, I finally knuckled down today and started deleting X’s pictures from my phone and moving them onto my laptop where I’ll never look at them again.

You might ask: Why didn’t I just delete all of the pictures once and for all?

Because I just don’t do that.

I never deleted any of CH’s text messages from when we dated. I never deleted any of KA’s pictures either. And they were my exes just as much as X was, even if for a shorter length of time in comparison.

So I’m not getting rid of X’s pics. I did delete all of our saucy and flirty text messages though. That wasn’t so hard, mainly because I have those messages forever seared into my memory from a time when X and I were both freeer with our minds and bodies when it came to our love life.

Deleting the pictures was hard though.

Because I first looked through each picture.

X is beautiful and cute in every single picture she ever sent me and every picture I ever took.

And it fucking hurts to see her like that.

It reminds me that she once loved me.

Before everything went to shit between us.

I started the deletion process at Starbucks. When I got too emotionally tired to continue, I hopped onto a rented bike and pedaled like Satan was behind me to get home and away from X’s sweet memories.

Now I’m home and finally done deleting every single picture of X that meant anything to me, and I’m fucking miserable about it.

The tears finally came.

I want to hate X so badly for destroying my heart like this.

I really loved her.

I tried my hardest with her. I sacrificed so much to be with her, to give our relationship a fighting chance.

And it was in vain because X’s words and actions meant nothing in the end.

Everything she said and did was pure bullshit and it hurts to admit it to myself.

I know I did the hard part tonight, which was confronting those pictures and memories after avoiding it for months, and that’s good. I figuratively took the bandage off an old, pus-filled wound that wouldn’t recover on its own. I figuratively squeezed the pus out of that old wound and drained it completely tonight.

So with time, that old sore will stop being tender and disgusting if I keep disinfecting it and exposing it to the elements so it finally scabs over and heals on its own.

As for right now, it hurts like hell and I’m feeling every bit of that agony, even in my less-than-sober state.

But I needed to do this before the end of 2019 so I can finally move on from X.

She was my princess, the queen of my heart for a long time. But now it’s time to put the crown back onto my own head.

For now, I have to rule my kingdom by myself.

Thinking about X all evening drove all thoughts of my weird low-key crush on Ariana Grande out of my head for a while.

I told you it was a distraction.

The person I really miss is still X. Maybe I don’t love her any more, I’m not really sure.

But I do miss what we used to have. And it’ll be a while before I’m brave enough to give my heart to another soul on this planet.

I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.

X has probably moved on already.

Good for her I guess. I know she can’t possibly do better than me, not unless she’s had a lobotomy since we broke up, which I highly doubt.

I’m getting sleepy now from all this liquor.

Good, because I’m all cried out now. I don’t want to cry any more useless tears for X, she’s not worth it anymore.

Maybe she never was worth it to begin with.

She’s gone from everything in my life now and it hurts so damn much.

She was everything to me, and now she’s nothing to me, whatever that means.

I’m tired of missing X in any sense. I want my heart to reset on its own.

I should stop here so my heart can hurt a little less tonight.

If anyone’s reading this blog entry right now, thank you for sharing my burden with me.

You’ve been instrumental in helping me put this mindless grief behind me.

2020 has to be better than 2019 just by fucking default, right?

I guess I’ll wait and see.

#breakupblog #dayonehundredandthirtyeight

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