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cyanocardiotype · 6 months

Text

Moderately questionable character summaries by AU

SCOUT

.mm: Imagine if your Dad ditched you and wasn't even sorry about it so you had to deal with your flesh just melting sometimes on your own

.sf: Any further allegations of this guy smelling like the ONE werewolf who HASN'T taken a bite at him will result in a lot of yelling and several deaths, even though it's 100% true

.ks: Oh good god the fae genes have made him worse. I didn't know that was possible without making him completely unbearable

.9: Local idiot runs a successful business getting paid to fistfight people in the street; uses proceeds to buy batteries and eat them

.rs: When you think about it a rocket launcher is a lot like a baseball bat and a rocket is a lot like a baseball, except for everything about rockets and rocket launchers, but if you ignore that they're basically identical. Yeah. Do you think we can yell the enemy to death

SOLDIER

.mm: Eight thousand identity crises in a metal box

.sf: Area werewolf gets entangled with local vampire; drinks unusual cocktail; fails to identify flowers he is allergic to; attains magically-mandated fursona. He is inordinately pleased with this

.ks: I don't know what you mean by 'Godly', ALL Americans of any good standing can run on pure patriotism! AMEN!

.9: Do you want to be a vet, just like the rest of all the honourable citizens of this country? Great! Injecting rats with steroids is an excellent way to get started in the profession! You'll have an army in no time :)

.rs: Fire is the greatest American invention, which is why it burns in Red, White and Blue. If you're cold, it's cold; put it on your jacket!

PYRO

.mm: At a certain point you have to accept that there's just no way to prove that you're actually real, and all you can do is move on and do what you feel is right for the situation

.sf: Living for 700 years is really boring. You know what isn't boring? Setting things on fire when you yourself are extremely vulnerable to fire. And grabbing people to yoink their blood but that's a given yknow

.ks: Just because the dragon is DEAD doesn't mean you have to give up on draconic activities. Good grief, what are you, a quitter?

.9: Area man might actually develop pyrokinesis out of sheer frustration if his best friend/longtime crush doesn't stop dancing around the problem and just buy him the goddamned flowers

.rs: 'I am going to cause problems on purpose'

DEMO

.mm: At a certain point destroying yourself will stop being worth it; the only question is whether you've overstepped that point already. Probably. Perhaps it's best not to think too hard about it.

.sf: There are many benefits to being a marine vampire, even if objectively speaking the sequence of events that leads up to such a thing really really really sucked

.ks: Being the only son of a long-standing vampire clan means a lot of things being handed down - traditions, the habit of stabbing other vampires, cool swords, and beef with the Vatican

.9: Guy who kind of longs for the adventure of his youth gets his wish granted when his fertiliser business spontaneously combusts

.rs: You know that comic about the guy who made a sword and was really smug about cutting himself on it because it was so sharp. Yeah

HEAVY:

.mm: The deep-rooted dread of knowing you've surpassed your family completely and utterly and your struggles exist on a scale they can't hope to fight is only matched by the relief that at least you're not an absent father lol

.sf: Once upon a time there were a lot of very evil baby men and then a vampire bird came along and ate all of them. The end

.ks: Come closer. I promise I won't do significant damage to your skeleton with my trusty dwarven tools. I promise I won't tunnel under your house and make the foundations collapse, killing you instantly. I promise my skin is soft and human. Pleeeeease

.9: Imagine you're the only literature teacher in a small town and you're just trying to have a nice day and pretend the Incident didn't happen and then you find out that not only is your brother in law breeding an army of megarats, your boyfriend is the one supplying him with rat steroids

.rs: You know what's good at killing bears? Improvised mega bear traps. You know what's good at killing mercenaries? Improvised mega bear traps also

ENGINEER:

.mm: The flesh is delicate and weak but good lord no I'm not going to upload myself to the cloud, that'd be reckless and stupid. I'm just going to weld some metal onto my skin instead, which is normal and safe

.sf: As per tradition, the Conagher family will now turn its latest scion and hope this one doesn't get staked. Again.

.ks: World's shortest elf (well, quarter-elf) goes into the oil business; decides that the homeland is Texas and promptly gets sort of high just from being in Texas

.9: Area farmsteader has absolutely no bodies buried in the backyard, and absolutely has never asked anyone to help burying any, and absolutely is not guilty about it. He will shoot people over this argument

.rs: Do you ever get the weird feeling that you lucked out tremendously in this world despite not really doing much that's unusual. Weird huh. Anyways who wants a ride with the lasso medigun

MEDIC:

.mm: Unsurprisingly, fucked up robots tend to act a little bit fucked up. Whoops! Better luck next time you bui- oh you're dead. Ok then. Go have fun fucked up robot

.sf: Experimental Log 18 - Five different types of vampire blood and one of werewolf is an acceptable number to have in a human's system, but I do feel like my blood is made of bees

.ks: Have you ever wanted to be Frankenstein AND his monster at the SAME TIME? Or are you a MASSIVE COWARD? That's what I thought

.9: Did you know you can pass off a driver's license with Sharpie corrections off as a medical license around here? Yeah, weird huh. Hm? No, no, you can trust me. I'm a doctor. Here's my medical license

.rs: Be unprofessional enough and it loops around to being efficient again.

SNIPER:

.mm: Area man finds out he's got meat inside him, freaks out, finds out he has metal inside that meat, freaks out, finds out there's meat mixed in with that metal, etc.

.sf: Many things in this world are very obvious, but not worth bringing up when you've finally got a decent number of people who don't mind you chewing on them

.ks: Surely being bitten on the butt by a dingo on a full moon night will have zero lasting consequences. Definitely not worth writing home about. Hahahahahahhaaaaaaaaagh

.9: Guy moves from small town in AUS to small town in the US, swaps bog spiders for mysterious miasma that makes your skin feel like it's being sandpapered off. Is that what they call regret?

.rs: Professionalism is very important when your entire mode of operation involves grabbing someone really close and strangling them. Or maybe just shoot them idk

SPY:

.mm: Man trapped in cage that's like 40% his own making. With pissed off estranged son

.sf: Imagine the biggest asshole you've ever met. Now imagine they ate a god once and won't shut up about it

.ks: Guy who is incapable of lying but so good at twisting the truth that you may as well just give up when he says "Good Morning"

.9: Mentoring the son you ditched while not actually telling him who you are and getting him into the small-town business of causing unsolved crimes is perfectly normal and acceptable behaviour, shut up

.rs: Old man takes advantage of tech to go beyond the speed records of his youth and generally just cause problems and run away from them

#tf2 au #cyano.au #cyano.au.mm #cyano.au.sf #cyano.au.9 #cyano.au.ks #cyano.au.rs

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