#cuttin isn't too different in that way I suppose | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rottingsick · 1 year

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I realized that when I have the urge to puke from emotional distress, it isn't because I actually feel nauseous, but because it's a way of validatin my pain. and thats fuck up

#text #rotting #no rb #mine #as a child I was never sick enough to be deservin of care until I puked #and I do sort of remember I guess purposely pushin myself to puke when I didn't feel well even if I didn't want to. to have some sort of #evidence I was sick.#but at the same time I feel scared when I puke because I was yelled at if I didn't puke in a 'clean' way. i.e. where there was no mess #such as in the toilet or trash can #so I was definitely taught that there was a wrong and right way to be in pain #both in how to measure if I was in pain as well as what to do to express it #tw emeto #so I've trained myself to push myself to extreme distress to have validation of my pain #yet still express it 'wrong' so I just end up spirallin further #cuttin isn't too different in that way I suppose #like before I actually started I only wanted to because it felt like a way to have proof of my pain #but now I suppose I only get the urges to cut at the 'wrong' times so it's all around just fucked #ignorin my other reasons for cuttin cause thats a whole fuckin list but just pertainin to this topic #tw self harm #I was also taught anytime I was hurt by someone else esp if accidental it was always just actually my fault #and so I turned inward to hurt myself further because I don't know how to deal with the feels other than hurtin smth #and turnin outwards is not acceptable I've learned that over a long period of time.#so I metaphorically just get stabbed then continue further stabbin myself in some attempt to mitigate the pain #and I develop a complex of wantin the other person to hurt me so its 'fair' and I can be relieved of whatever consequences #but the whole problem in the first place is that I'm hurt so it really doesn't make any sense. I get hurt. hurt myself further.#then ask to be hurt to calm down. what is actually wrong with me #failure to understand what's right and wrong naturally further disrupted by abuse I guess #I'm paralyzed by even the idea consequences that I make things worse #cause of course I do not have the compascity to actually care about the action #it's frustrating and painful

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