#coda death note makes me literally cry it’s so beautiful
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15x18 Fics - !SPOILERS AHEAD!
I think we can all agree that everyone - fans or not - were pretty shocked by the reveal of last week, and everywhere (Tumblr most of all) seemed to explode. AO3 was not exempt from this massive outpouring of creations, so here are some fics based on That Scene. I will warn you that not all of them are fix-it fics, and most of them are quite short for obvious reasons.
Like Real People Do by prosopopeya on AO3. (4,490 words).
Tags: Coda, Episode Fix-it, Fluff and Angst, Spoilers, Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Angst with a Happy Ending.
My Rating: 5 stars.
Description: Castiel experienced a moment of pure happiness, expecting it to be his last. It wasn't.
Notes: This was so poetic and absolutely gorgeous.
The same old tears (wish you were here) by DestielIsFuckinReal on AO3. (1,992 words).
Tags: Temporary Character Death, Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Coda, Love Confessions, Angst with a Happy Ending.
My Rating: 5 stars.
Notes: The speech marks were slightly annoying, but other than that, this was beautiful.
Never Enough by make_your_user_a_name on AO3. (1,556 words).
Tags: Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Love Confessions, Supportive Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester Knows, Domestic Fluff.
My Rating: 5 stars.
Description: It took him hours to notice it. He hadn’t felt it in the moment. Hadn’t felt the Cas’ hand stick slightly to his shoulder as it pushed him away, leaving him to face the Empty alone. But now that he’d noticed it, it was all he could look at. That bright red handprint standing out starkly against his jacket. It was perfect, really. Not a drop out of place. Just a handprint and nothing else. That was all he had left. The handprint where Castiel had “gripped him tight and raised him from perdition.” And now he’d saved him one more time. Same shoulder, same placement, same sting when Dean looked at it. It was poetic in the cruelest of ways. And if it weren’t for everything, he would have thought this was Chuck’s writing. But, no. Castiel was the only part of Chuck’s story that he couldn’t control. Because Cas had fallen.
Notes: Now this fic brought out the ugly tears.
this is a good thing, dean. (prayer is a sign of faith) by cascountsdeansfreckles on AO3. (529 words).
Tags: Prayer, Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, post 15x18, 15x18 coda.
My Rating: 5 stars.
Description: Dean’s legs still don’t want to move. He sits propped up against the wall and stares unseeing at the chair in the middle of the room. Everything that Cas said plays over and over in his head. The image of Cas looking devastatingly relieved, content, as he was taken from Dean won’t leave his mind. He doesn’t know what else to do. So he prays.
Notes: Okay, and I’m crying. Again. The one time Cas can’t hear Dean’s prayers is the one time it is the most important.
all the things i’ve never said by Saffir on AO3. (849 words).
Tags: 15x18 Fix-it, Angst, Heavy Angst, First Kiss, Confessions, Sad Ending, Nonbinary Castiel.
My Rating: 5 stars.
Description: Castiel knows that their time has come. The past decade has been spent protecting Dean, living for Dean, dying for Dean. It finally comes time to sacrifice themself one last time. He wasn’t expecting it to hurt this much.
Notes: Confirmation of their relationship would have been nice! I mean, I firmly believe Dean reciprocated, but it would be nice to know for sure. And oh boy, I had not stopped to think about the scene from Cas’ point of view.
gay love pierced through the veil of death and saved the day by firefliesandstarlight on AO3. (444 words).
Tags: Fix-it, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives.
My Rating: 4 stars.
Description: Cas doesn’t die. That’s literally it.
Notes: Is it bad I found out that Charlie died through the end notes of this fic? Like, imagine writing a scene so moving that it overpowers the fact that several other fan favourites died in that same episode.
15x18 coda: it’s in the being by contemplativepancakes on AO3. (1,167 words).
Tags: Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Coda, Dean Winchester Can’t Cope, Hurt Dean Winchester.
My Rating: 4 stars.
Description: Blood splatters from a severed neck, the body twitching before it collapses to the floor. It sprays across Dean’s face, dotting red droplets over his cheeks and in his hair. Dean keeps his mouth shut so he doesn’t get the taste of copper stuck in it; he already can’t get Cas’s face out of his mind. Dean knows this is the last place he should be, that with the world ending, it doesn’t really matter if there’s one less nest of vamps in the world, but if he stops moving, then he’ll… have to think. “I wondered what my true happiness could even look like, because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.”
Fuck, they wasted so much time.
Notes: I don’t even know what to say anymore. My heart is simultaneously full and utterly broken.
1 Missed Call by glenien on AO3. (597 words).
Tags: Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Referenced Character Death, Angst, Dean Winchester is a Dumbass, Angst with a Happy Ending, Death!Castiel, Coda, Fluff and Angst.
My Rating: 4 stars.
Description: The buzzing never stops.
Notes: I love the implications of Dean literally flirting with Death here, and even though this isn’t the ending I think we’ll get, I can still hope!
Only know you love him when you let him go by Azura_lights_18 on AO3. (1,365 words).
Tags: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Hurt/Comfort, Dean Deserves to be Happy, Angst with a Happy Ending.
My Rating: 4 stars.
Description: Destiel is finally canon... for ten seconds. My hopes for the upcoming episodes (just let Destiel live, please.)
Notes: I am loving the inventive ways people are bringing Cas back! I have hope, but that might just be me putting my clown wig on.
maybe just this once (let me keep this one) by psyiocke on AO3. (1,678 words).
Tags: Episode: s15e18 Despair, Canonical Character Death, Angst with a Happy Ending.
My Rating: 4 stars.
Description: Dean Winchester listens in silence, and he mourns in it too.
or the aftermath of hearing your best friend say he loves you and then watching him die.
Notes: Oh boy here I go again. That tag, by the way, is much too soon. But if this is what happened at the end, I would be happy.
Instinct by CKLizzy on AO3. (510 words).
Tags: Fix-it of Sorts, Episode s15e18 Despair, Episode Fix-it.
My Rating: 4 stars.
Description: Dean reacted on pure instinct. Instinct he didn't know he even had.
Notes: Oh, if only. I would have passed out.
A World Redeemed by Lif61 on AO3. (732 words).
Tags: Season 15 Spoilers, Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, POV Dean Winchester, Romance, Love, Happy Ending.
My Rating: 3 stars.
Description: Cas is gone, and the world is saved. But not for Dean.
Notes: I do really hope Cas comes back. Otherwise, I’m gonna have to go and have some words with someone.
Happiness is What Makes You Cry by AnotherWorld3111 on AO3. (358 words).
Tags: Angst, Referenced Character Death, Canonical Character Death, Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Hurt No Comfort, Love Confessions.
My Rating: 3 stars.
Description: Just... read the goddamn tags
Notes: Oh man, if Dean actually breaks down in front of Sam, I will die on the spot.
All Out of Love by asofthesea on AO3. (681 words).
Tags: Not Actually Unrequited Love, Angst and Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Post Episode: s15e18 Despair, Homophobic John Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Jack Kline, One Shot, Brotherly Love, Feelings.
My Rating: 3 stars.
Description: After the events of 15x18, Despair, Sam and Jack rush back to the bunker to find Dean alone, and falling apart at the seams.
Notes: John Winchester would have been homophobic and no one can change my mind.
Tag to “Despair” (15x18) by Alvinola on AO3. (793 words).
Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort.
My Rating: 3 stars.
Description: Sam has to pick up the pieces when Cas is gone.
Notes: Seriously, these fics are making me cry all over again. I mean, what can Sam possibly say to make any of this better? That’s heartbreaking in itself.
And a shameless self-promotion:
‘I love you’ by LinaRai on AO3. (420 words).
Tags: Angst, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Spoilers, Canonical Character Death, I’m Sorry.
Description: "I love you." Dean just stares at him.
Notes: I wrote this in a Criminology lesson while eating a bag of crisps which basically equated to my lunch because I was a mess and I had to. And yes, I am fully aware that I write things with major character death too often. So sue me.
So, how is everyone feeling? I’ve started re-reading Angel’s Wild in a wild (get it) attempt to cope. Also, this led to me having a full conversation with one of my teachers about Sherlock. ‘Maybe next time don’t use a current show as an example of queerbaiting,’ she said, as if any of us expected Destiel to go canon. Seriously, how do you explain to a 40 year old woman who only just realised that BBC Sherlock might possibly be queerbaiting how much no one expected that to happen?
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Even in the iffy machine translation, the end of the last extra story left me all sorts of emo. Sniffling from joy because this is so perfect as a coda and sniffling from sadness that I have no more.
I have been reading 2HA for almost two weeks, since May 31. I am a notorious speed reader (an average 300 page book takes me two hours) and I was reading it very steadily for these 11 days (though it was only the last few days where I basically stopped watching or reading anything else, obsessively binging.) The fact that it took me 11 days says something about both the immense size of this novel and the fact that I (a) reread my favorite parts mid-read and (b) had to take breaks from the emotional onslaught.
I went from disliking Moran and being not keen on Chu Wanning - the former was an immaturely evil reincarnation of a monster and the latter cold and unpleasant, as far as I was concerned - to bawling my eyes over both of them together or separately and being so invested, it was honestly a little scary.
Funny thing is I can pinpoint the exact moment I fell for CWN - when he throws his exorcism fee into the face of the evil elder who amply earned the wrath of his particular ghost and proceeds to restore justice. But I cannot pinpoint such a moment for Moran. I have no idea how I went from “I don’t like novels with an evil protagonist” to “I am sobbing over him so hard I want to barf” but there it was. I also can’t pinpoint when I went from “this is kinda random as a novel” to “this is really interesting” to “you can pry this novel out of my cold dead hands and then my zombie self will still fight you for it.”
But here we are.
I am always leery to claim I can be objective about something I loved so hard so I don’t know if my view of this novel as amazing is objective. All I can tell you is that it is impeccably plotted, has complicated characters and some beautiful language. It also hit my particular narrative and character kinks so hard they are still ringing - period setting, men with weapons, love beyond death and then beyond even that, redemption narrative, view of the power structures as hypocritical and corrupt, heroism, and above all for yours truly SO MUCH ANGST. I am a notorious angst vampire but despite that (or perhaps because of that), I don’t tend to cry over angsty things much. This novel made me full on bawl five times - (1) when Chu Wanning sacrifices himself for Moran at the rift and Moran realizes what has happened and the bit with the body and the wontons (2) Nangong Si’s sacrifice (3) Chu Wanning rescuing Moran from execution and fighting the whole world for it and then Moran dying in his arms and aftermath (4) destruction of Siseng Peak (5) the ending - though this time from happiness...And we are not even going to get to all the times I sniffled like someone with a permanent cold. Hell, I am getting sniffly now just thinking about it.
I could try to be objective and ask whether it would have been better to not have as many dubcon/noncon flashbacks (though for once, some of the sex scenes actually had to do with character development, which is a total rarity in any book) or whether Chu Wanning really needed to be the resident psychopath magnet for every psychopath in a hundred mile radius, but at this rate it honestly would feel churlish to nitpick anything that gave me so much pure emotional reading pleasure. Plus, one of the joys of this novel is how unrestrained, how far-flung, how gonzo it is in every way - from emotional to physical to plotwise. It’s like a feast with so much food some of it is going to fall off the table.
Don’t worry, I am going to go back to my regular scheduling programming soon but before I do, a little fun:
Favorite Character: Moran. Yeah yeah I know, it seems everyone’s favorite is Chu Wanning. I adore CWN and he’s a close, very close second, but I am such a sucker for painful redemption narratives. (Moran’s narrative is redemption of his character; CWN’s is slow revelation of his character.) Plus, he’s had the worst childhood of anyone in this book and you know me...
Most Hated Character: DUHHHHHH!!!! Past life Shimei. I am still pissed off he didn’t get a more gruesome death. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about him - even XSL, mad and evil as he was, still had a warm feeling for his teacher. But there was nothing but rot and murder inside past life Shimei. (I hate current life Shimei also, but nowhere nearly as much.)
Biggest OTP: duh! Moran x CWN is everything I love in an OTP. They literally died for each other twice. But it’s just wonderful to read about them in every way and it’s a rare OTP with big drama that I can also see happy in every day mundane surroundings. Nangong Si x Ye Wangxi are my runner up.
Best family: The Xues. Is there any doubt? They are amazing and loving and righteous. They managed to bring up Xue Meng who despite being loved and spoiled is a total pure, righteous puppy. They took in Moran and made him family (and even once they find out he’s not really family, they still love him every bit as much as if he’s their own; but then Uncle Xue was the best, most loving, and most proud father to Xue Meng, even if XM was not his biologically.) And they ran a cool righteous sect and were fun and warm and awesome. There is a reason why Chu Wanning, who is a paragon who every sect would love to have, stayed there for so long.
Biggest (for me) plot twist: there are so many, but for me it was the plot twist that Moran became Taxian Jun by absorbing the demon flower that controlled him and turned him into a monster with Shimei as controller voluntarily to protect Chu Wanning. That was the only way he had to prevent Shimei from turning CWN into the monster he himself later became. The bitter irony that he gave up his soul to protect CWN and thus became the soulless monster who reveled in destroying CWN is !!!! (Side note - I just now realized that alternate life Moran freaked out the way he did when he thought he saw Shimei with a knife while CWN was in seclusion was because he subconsciously remembered when he walked in on Shimei attempting to harm CWN with the demon flower years earlier (in either timeline) even as his conscious memory was erased.) Runner up: porridge. The fact that it was teen Chu Wanning who fed starving five year old Moran and saved his life and that it’s that encounter that made CWN leave the monastery and try to help the suffering world.
Character who died that you wish had lived: Nangong Si. Proof that being an awesome, noble person is not enough; I bawled when he sacrificed himself.
Character who lived that you wish had died: Nangong Liu. Yup, that murdering horrible monster made it through the whole book. JUSTICE where is it!
Coolest setting: I loved Netherworld. And not just because I am a sucker for Orpheus themes.
Angstiest moment: that’s like asking which pine needle on a 30 foot tree is your favorite. But to me, it’s Moran’s death after core extraction - when he asks if he has finally expiated and still worries he’s too filthy for CWN - my heart! And then CWN tucking in his body in bed as if he’s still alive and making food for him because Moran was always hungry as a child and so food is his love language. I was crying SO HARDDDDD!!!
Most wholesome character: Xue Meng. Are there even any other close competitors? He’s another character I started out rolling my eyes at and ended up loving.
Most romantic moment: Literally every single one, but to me it’s Chu Wanning coming to that hut at the end and finding Moran alive and waiting for him.
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