#cider ciphers
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Chapter 26 of human Bill doing his best to arm-twist his captors into doing anything he wants, featuring: the gang going to the mall, where Bill tries on some of the most ridiculous outfits known to mankind, to Mabel's delight and Stan & Dipper's despair.
(please click on the second image, you can't imagine how long it took to make those two patterns. (Okay you probably can, it was a couple hours.))
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Bill said, "Well, you can tell Stanford that if he's got a problem with my drinking, I'd like to see him try to get a good night's sleep in an alien body without some kind of sedative! I've got a fresh new liver, three little cans of cider a day won't kill me before one of us finds a way to get me out of this body!"
Exasperated, Mabel said, "Why do I have to tell him? Just talk to each other."
"You think I don't want to? He's the one who's put two doors, an elevator, and a trick vending machine between him and me."
Mabel supposed that was true. "Okay, fine. More importantly: what do you think of going shopping?"
Bill shrugged. "Sure. I'll take any opportunity to go outside. It'll be a good test run for other trips."
Mabel frowned, clearly disappointed by the reaction. "That's it? I thought you'd be more excited. You can finally get more clothing!"
"How much clothing do I need?" He gestured down at himself, wearing his hoodie and a borrowed skirt. "I'm not naked, what more do you want from me?"
"To like your clothing!"
"Oh, right. I keep forgetting you have a whole thing about people other than you being happy."
Mabel socked his arm. "Do you just not care about clothes? I didn't expect you to be like Dipper about it."
Eugh. "It's not that I don't like fashion in general," Bill said, eager to distance himself from the household wet blanket. "I have very strong opinions on other people's fashion! It's just..."
It was just that he didn't relish the idea of standing in front of a mirror, partially nude, staring at the bone-caged skin prison he was locked inside.
He still put towels over the bathroom mirror when he showered.
"Well," he said, "isn't the whole point of fashion self-expression? And my self can't be expressed in this body." He tugged on the collar of his hoodie, "This is as close as it's gonna get."
"Does clothing have to express your self? Can't it just look really cool?" Mabel asked.
Bill considered that. "I do like looking really cool."
Maybe he didn't have to see it as dressing himself. Treat it like inflicting his design whims upon a helpless human puppet. He'd done that before, he liked doing that. He was lucky, at least, that as far as puppets went, this was an incredibly good-looking one. Aside from the neck.
"Do I have to wear that, though?" Bill skeptically eyed the knit garment held in Mabel's hands.
"Yep! Grunkle Ford's orders! It's to make sure you don't talk to people."
"Can I put it on over my hoodie?"
"As heartwarming as it is that you love it so much: no, you've gotta take it off."
"How come?"
"It's safer this way! Your hoodie might freak people out."
"Freak them out how?"
####
Soos trudged into the kitchen at 3 a.m., yawning, and turned on the lights.
The Bill Cipher, triangular and angular, gold-bricked and one-eyed, hovered in the air.
Soos screamed. "He's back! Everyone watch out! You stay away from my family, you—" Soos picked up the nearest weapon and chucked it at Bill.
The spatula bounced harmlessly off his chest and clattered to the floor. Bill took his hood off. "Wow. Thanks for getting my hopes up, Questiony."
"Oh, whoops. Sorry 'bout that. At a quick glance, that hoodie makes you look a lot like... you." Soos looked Bill up and down again. "Hey. How come you're standing on the kitchen table in the middle of the night?"
"Eh." Bill shrugged. "It passes the time."
####
"Sometimes I curse your species's overactive pattern-detection instincts." Bill snatched Mabel's offering out of her hand and trudged to the bathroom to change.
He emerged a moment later wearing the tank top Mabel had knit for him, and tugged out the hem to examine it. She'd cross-stitched on the chest: "STAY BACK! I BITE SALES PEOPLE!"
"I'd be pretty insulted," Bill said, "if this wasn't the funniest thing I've ever worn."
####
Stan pulled the old Diablo near the porch to minimize the amount of time Bill would spend in open air between confinement in the shack and in a vehicle; then waited leaning against the car, glowering at the ground like the world's surliest chauffeur (he'd even put on his suit), for Dipper and Mabel to escort the prisoner outside.
The second Bill stepped off of the porch, he looked up in amazement. "What is that?"
Dipper and Mabel looked at Bill's face, then in the direction he was looking. He was staring straight into the sun without squinting. Mabel said, "The... sun?"
"No, not the sun! I mean the—" Bill gestured toward the sun. "Whatever it's doing."
Mabel looked skyward again. She didn't see anything else Bill could be referring to. "Shining?"
"I know what sunshine is!"
"Then what are you asking about!"
Bill studied the sky a moment longer. Finally, he said, "Guess I don't know what sunshine feels like! It's been a long time since I've been naked in the sun."
Stan's head snapped up to stare at Bill. Bill was still completely clothed.
After another few seconds, arms outstretched, staring in blank-faced wide-eyed wonder at the sky, Bill concluded, "I think I'm photosynthesizing again."
This time Dipper looked over. And, Bill was still completely human—a species notoriously well-known for not photosynthesizing. "'Again'?"
Bill didn't respond. Instead, with a shrill cackle that startled the nearby birds out of the trees, he took off at a full sprint.
"Hey!" Dipper tore after him. Stan tensed up, but then grunted, leaned back against his car, and waited for Bill to trip.
Bill's run was the awkward bouncing gait of a moon astronaut on fast forward: someone who at some point had definitely learned how to run, but clearly wasn't used to doing it in this body on this world. He switched to an odd sideways crab-walk gallop—which was, surprisingly, faster—and then attempted, and failed, a cartwheel. Dipper dove for Bill, Stan laughed at them both, and Mabel shouted encouragement at Bill from the porch; Bill hopped back up just before Dipper could catch him.
He attempted a second cartwheel but was caught in the middle by an invisible force jerking his wrist. He yelped and tumbled to the ground. "I think I twisted my arm!" He sounded way too giddy about this.
Mabel looked down at her own wrist and the chain bracelet. She wasn't being actively pulled toward Bill; but nevertheless she couldn't pull her wrist any further away from him. "It worked."
"Of course it did!" Breathing heavily, Bill got to his feet and leaned backward on his heels, using the tension of the bracelet around his wrist to keep from falling. "What, did you ever doubt me?"
"Yes," Stan said. "Always," Dipper said. "Every time you open your mouth," Mabel said.
"You're all haters."
Mabel took a flying leap off of the porch. Bill toppled on his back again.
Once they were all loaded in the car—Dipper in the front glaring in the rear view mirror, Mabel and Bill in the back with Bill making faces at the mirror—Stan said, "Okay. I'm not getting you anything nice, because you're not worth it."
"Aww. And after I made you almost five grand?"
Dipper's jaw dropped. "He what?! When did—"
Raising his voice, Stan went on, "So we're going to Shop Thrifty. Any complaints?"
Bill said, "You don't wanna go there."
Stan turned to give him a dark look.
"You don't," Bill said. "They were robbed this weekend. Security's gonna be high."
"No they weren't, you can't know that. You're making that up. I'm calling your bluff."
Dipper cleared his throat. "Actually... yeah, they were robbed. I've been investigating the possibility that it might've been..." At the sight of Bill's keen gaze in the rear view mirror, Dipper trailed off into mumbles.
Bill waited a second longer to ensure Dipper was properly cowed; then said, "See? You can trust me! But if you want to go to the thrift shop..."
"Ha." Stan drummed his fingers on the steering wheel; then reluctantly said, "I guess we could go to the mall—"
Mabel pumped her fists in the air. "THE MALL!"
"Yes! Finally!" Bill dragged his hands down his face in relief. "Civilization! Other people!"
"Hey!" Stan turned around to point threateningly at Bill. Bill held up his hands to block the accusatory finger. "This still isn't a social trip. Talk to anyone and we're going back to the car."
"I know, I know. I just wanna look at people. That's all!" Bill said. "You know that feeling when you come out of a couple weeks in the hole? When you're grateful just to see anybody?"
Stan's frown deepened; but he didn't say anything. He just turned around, ignored Dipper's curious look, and started driving.
Mabel and Bill high-fived.
####
As the car pulled into a parking spot, Mabel handed Bill a pair of mirrored sunglasses with one lens popped out. Bill rolled his (yellow, slitted) eye, but he switched his eyepatch over to the lensless side of the sunglasses and put them on. "Nobody'll notice my eyes. They only look inhuman at certain angles."
"We're being extra cautious," Mabel said.
"If you're gonna make me wear shades any time I'm in public, can I at least pick a pair I like while I'm here?"
Mabel said, "Sure!" at the same time Stan said, "Not a chance." Dipper looked between the two of them, and said, "I'm with Stan."
"I wasn't taking a vote." Bill leaned forward to shove Dipper's hat over his eyes, and followed Mabel out of the car before Dipper could retaliate.
Bill's grin got a little wider and his gait a little bouncier the closer they got to the mall, until he was practically skipping through the automatic doors. "Look at this place! I can't remember the last time I visited a bazaar this booming in person! Two stories, even! Wow!"
Dipper and Mabel exchanged a glance. Gravity Malls was, by far, the smallest mall either of them had ever visited. You could see from one end of it to the other in a straight shot, and the anchor store was just a more popular chain's discount outlet location. Dipper muttered, "He's trying too hard to talk up the place."
Mabel giggled. "Maybe he's easily impressed."
Bill evidently didn't care. He was too busy taking in the sight of all the stores and all the people who didn't hate his guts (or, at least, didn't know they did). He chipperly said, "Hey there!" as he wove around a haggard teenage kiosk salesman.
"Hello?" Snapping into sales mode, the kiosk kid said, "Are you interested in genuine gold-plated signet rings? We have rings with dragons, eagles, Chinese characters, American flags, football teams..."
Bill did a u-turn without slowing down. "Boy, am I! You got any secret societies?"
Stan wrapped an arm around Bill's shoulders—"No, you're not interested."—and dragged him away. He lowered his voice. "What happened to no talking to anyone?"
Bill laughed. "Sorry, I got excited!"
"Uh-huh. Get 'excited' one more time, and I'll assume you're 'forgetting' the rules on purpose and we're going home."
Bill stopped laughing. "Okay, fine." He trudged alongside Stan, sulking.
####
Stan tried to direct them toward the discount outlet store; Bill looked wistfully at Edgy On Purpose; Mabel overruled them both by grabbing Bill's hand and bodily dragging him to the coolest store in the mall: 18th Century, the place where the almost-and-barely college kids shopped, and Mabel's newest fashion avatars now that she'd had a year to explore "teenage" fashion and had gotten over it. "You can tell it's for college kids, because they also sell bedsheets and inflatable furniture," she explained as they entered, just before abandoning Bill with Stan as she ran off to start collecting clothing on Bill's behalf. Bill and Stan side-eyed each other, and Bill drifted off toward the small home goods section.
"Ooh, Dipper look." Mabel pointed at a sales rack. "Out-of-season prom dresses! Those are the fanciest dresses!" She dove in eagerly, checking the size tags.
Dipper hovered behind her, hands stuffed deep in his pockets, trying to stand far enough away that it didn't look like he was an active participant in this shopping trip but not so far away that people might start wondering why a thirteen-year-old boy was in the dress section by himself. "Are you shopping for B—for Goldie, or for yourself?"
"For Goldie, obviously! He likes having a triangular silhouette, he needs dresses!"
"Does he want dresses?"
Mabel made a vague I dunno sound. "I haven't asked him yet."
"Maybe you should?"
"It's fine, I'm going to! He can tell me when he catches up!" Mabel pulled out a sequin-studded dress that looked like it had been constructed out of fluorescent pink peacock feathers. She paused. "Okay, it's not exactly his style, but do you think he might try it on anyway?"
Dipper groaned. "Mabel, he's a guy, he's not gonna try on a dress. He wears top hats and bow ties, remember?"
"I know, but... just for fun...?"
Dipper shook his head. Mabel sighed.
Bill rounded a rack of clothing, using a curtain rod he'd claimed out of the home goods section like it was a cane. "Hey, star girl. I know we're here on a focused mission, buuut do you think we could spare a minute to try something just for fun..." He trailed off as he and Mabel simultaneously realized they were both holding a pink peacock dress. Bill's face lit up. "Where have you been all my life?"
"Shut up! How are you this cool!"
"Where's the dressing room."
They took off for the back of the store, Bill tripping over a whole clothing rack as he went.
Dipper watched them uncomfortably, decided he didn't want to follow, and picked his way to the front of the store, where Stan was leaning in the doorway with his arms crossed tightly and a sour look on his face. Dipper asked, "Does it worry you how well Mabel and Goldie..."
"Ohhh yeah."
####
Bill swung open the dressing room door. "Well? Whaddaya think?" He fanned out the feathers as best he could with his hands.
"It's so beautiful," Mabel said.
"It's hideous," Stan said.
"It's kinda baggy around the shoulders and chest," Dipper said.
Bill shrugged. "I've got the shoulder span of a snake and the hips of a sumo wrestler, what do you expect?"
"It's okay, I can tailor anything we get," said Mabel, who had never tailored anything in her life but was sure she had a book on it in Piedmont.
"Tailor nothing," Stan said, "we're not getting this! What, are you crazy?"
Bill said, "Obviously."
Stan gestured at him. "What in the world would you wear this for?"
"Who cares? It looks cool and this body is merely a meat armature to drape coolness upon." Bill stepped back into the dressing room to eye the dress in the mirror. "Color's a little uniform, though. I'd need some accessories to break it up."
"I think you're right," Mabel said, stroking her chin. "You know what color goes best with hot pink?"
Simultaneously, she and Bill said, "Lime green," then cracked up and pointed at each other excitedly.
Stan and Dipper exchanged a tired look.
####
"How about this one?" Bill looked at Stan and Dipper, who were standing guard while Mabel searched for more clothes. "It's obviously the best shirt in the store, but is it me?" Bill was wearing a loose Hawaiian shirt covered in bright multicolored triangles with animal skin patterns—leopard, zebra, tiger, checkers—and a pair of black jeans that fit his hips but consequently drowned his ankles. "Trick question. It's me all over!" He laughed. His laughter petered out. "It's... it's more me than I am. Wow."
Dipper and Stan didn't laugh. "I'm a Hawaiian shirt kind of man," Stan said, "but if the choice was between that thing and going naked, I'd go naked."
"Keep your nudist fantasies to yourself, Stanley." Bill studied his reflection again. "The shirt's great, but they make the pants look dull. I need something that coordinates with it. But what..."
Mabel returned while Bill was musing on his shirt. She wordlessly held out the pair of cheetah/tiger print rainbow leggings she'd been retrieving. It matched the shirt perfectly, in the sense that they both had so many colors on them that inevitably some of those colors were accidentally the same.
Bill accepted the leggings with an expression close to awe. "You're a fashion genius," he said. "Are you sure you don't want your own planet?"
"Not from you," Mabel said.
And for a moment, Bill actually almost looked hurt.
####
Bill held up several shirts thoughtfully. The first was an eye-searing abomination; the second was a retina-burning nightmare; and the third was about the same, but it was covered in smiley faces, and somehow that made it worse.
"I feel like they'd all have the right psychological effect on my enemies," Bill said, "but all three is a little redundant, isn't it?"
Not looking, Stan asked, "Is the effect you're trying to have boring your enemies to death? Because it's working."
Bill scowled. He chucked all three at Stan's face. "Fine! Stick them in the 'maybe' pile, I'll narrow them down later." By this point, the "maybe" pile in Stan's arms was almost too big for him to carry.
"My willingness to indulge Mabel is losing to my annoyance at indulging you," Stan said. "I thought this was going to be a quick trip."
"Yeah, well, I'm kinda getting into it."
"Well, would you get out of it and dress like a normal person?"
"Okay, fine. I'll try on something subtle—"
"Goldie!" Mabel ran up waving a ruby red jacket over her head. "Look what I found in the clearance bin! Glittery vinyl!"
Bill's eyes widened.
Reverently, Mabel said, "It looks like a 50's diner booth."
"Is the picture on the back a—?"
"Yeah, it's a puking kangaroo."
Bill snatched the jacket from her hands. "I'll try something subtle after this."
Stan groaned. "I'm gonna stretch my legs." He dropped the "maybe" pile on the floor. "Dipper, make sure the demon doesn't try to end the world while I'm gone."
Dipper resigned himself to the fact that this shopping trip was never going to end, and curled up on the floor to wait to die.
####
"Now, this is a keeper," Bill said, examining the summer dress in the mirror. With Stan gone, Bill had a moment of leisure to properly inspect the way the fabric moved and draped. He was using the opportunity to grab the skirt and twirl it like a three-year-old who'd never worn a dress before. "It really speaks to me."
Mabel asked, "Is it because it's covered in—?"
"It's because it's covered in yellow triangles. I know what I like!" He spun around to see how the skirt flared out, tripped and fell over—"I meant to do that!"—and heaved himself back upright with his curtain rod cane. "I'm fine, shoo." He waved off Mabel's attempt to help, and brushed off the dress. "Too bad it looks weird with pants. I'd prefer my legs covered, but dresses are the only thing most human stores carry that flatter my shape, so what're you gonna do."
"What about more leggings?" Mabel asked.
"Do they have any black ones that don't look like cheap spandex?"
"I think I saw some that look like jeans!"
"It'll do. Good thinking, star girl."
"Any time, triangle... guy." Mabel paused. "Hey... just out of curiosity—since I don't think we ever really covered this, since you're an alien and all—aaare you a guy or a girl?"
"I'm a triangle! C'mon, you already know that."
Mabel opened her mouth to protest that Bill hadn't answered her question; hesitated as she realized that maybe, in fact, he had; and instead asked, "Is a triangle more like a guy or a girl?"
Bill paused as he gave the question a moment of contemplation; and then he said, "No, not really."
Dipper, who'd been using the "maybe" clothing pile as a pillow and pretending to ignore everything Bill did, finally gave in to the urge to glance over curiously.
Mabel concluded a triangle must be either in the exact middle of the scale, or else outside of it completely. "Oh! Okay."
Bill elbowed Mabel and said, "Keep this bit between you and me," blithely ignoring the fact that Dipper was totally within earshot and now seething about being ignored in return. "But if anyone else on this planet asks, I'll usually imply I'm a 'man,'" he put the word in finger quotes, as though he wasn't wholly convinced that "men" really existed, "but—that's strictly for business."
"Business?"
"You know, work stuff," Bill said dismissively. "It makes things easier. See, for the last few millennia, most humans have taken a male's suggestions a bit more seriously than a female's, even when the entity they're talking to is an all-knowing extra-dimensional divine alien angelic muse. Crazy, right?" He said this like he was imparting some great secret he'd figured out by himself.
"Ugh, yeah," Mabel groaned. "Sexism."
"Sexism," Bill sighed, as if he had any dog in this fight at all and wasn't just pretending he could commiserate with his only local friend. "So I figure I can get things done faster as a Bill than a Jill. But honestly? Your local gender system doesn't make any more difference to me than it would to you if somebody asked how many sides you have."
Mabel considered the matter of her hypothetical sides. "I feel like I'd have seven sides."
"Oho! I stand corrected." Bill laughed. "I would've pegged you as a pentagon. I'll remember that."
Mabel had no idea what information she'd just conveyed to Bill, but she felt like he was impressed she had an answer at all.
####
"How about this one?"
"I love it. It's so mysterious," Mabel said.
Stan said, "I thought you were gonna try on something subtle?"
"What's more subtle than camo! That's the whole point of it!"
Dipper said, "You're not wearing camo."
Bill looked down at his galaxy print tank top, galaxy print button up, galaxy print skirt, galaxy print leggings, and galaxy print sneakers. "I guess what counts as camouflage depends on the context."
"Wh—" Dipper blinked at Bill in disbelief. "In what context could this possibly qualify as camouflage?"
"Is that a trick question?"
Drily, Stan asked, "You got travel plans taking you to outer space anytime soon, pal?"
Bill's shoulders slumped.
"Now put on something you might actually wear," Stan said.
####
Bill opened the dressing room door with four sets of basic black leggings and pants, a couple shorts, and several plain tops in various shades of gold and yellow. "Okay, done."
"Not gonna model each of these for us?" Stan asked.
"Do you want me to?"
"No."
"Fine! You kids don't need to weigh in on these—they're not as fun as the other outfits you were busy unappreciating." Bill shoved the whole pile against Stan's chest, burying the "maybe" outfits he'd insisted he would narrow down. "Okay, let's go."
Stan scowled. "How many outfits did we agree to get you?"
"You didn't." Bill headed to the front of the store.
Mabel started to follow him, paused, glanced back at Stan, and said, "Maybe you can just... toss some of it back on the racks?"
"Maybe you can toss most of it," Dipper said. "How much does he really need, like two shirts and two pants?"
Mabel laughed. "Shut up, that's what you wear!"
Stan rolled his eyes, but headed to the front of the store with an armload of clothing.
The cashier smiled as Bill approached, read his "I BITE SALES PEOPLE" shirt, and quickly turned her attention to Stan. "Hi! Did you find everything you needed?"
"Yeah, and then some," he grumbled, shooting a look at Bill and Mabel. He dumped the pile of clothing on the counter with a heavy groan proportionate to the emotional weight of carrying Bill Cipher's shopping, and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Where'd I put my wallet?"
As the cashier scanned the clothes, took off the security tags, and stuffed them into bags, Stan alternated between snatching up the bags to sling them over his arms—looking grumpier with each one—and searching for his wallet. "I'm sure I put... ah-ha!" He withdrew it triumphantly. "There! I know I've got a twenty in here somewhere."
The cashier immediately stopped scanning to give Stan a perplexed look. Hopefully, she asked, "Will you be paying for the rest by card?"
"What do you mean, 'the rest'? How much could this stuff—?" Stan grabbed the price tag on one of the shirts, squinted at it, and grabbed his chest. "Holy moly! For one shirt? This is robbery!"
Mabel winced. "I guess it's a little bit pricier than the thrift shop, but it's not that bad—is it?"
"Not that bad?! For prices like this, it'd be cheaper to get a boat ticket to Taiwan and rob the sweatshop where they sew this stuff! Forget it!" He started sliding bags off his arms and tossing them back on the counter. "Keep them! We're not shopping here!"
"But Grunkle Stan!" Mabel grabbed his coat. "We just found a bunch of stuff that's perfect for Goldie! Please?"
"Do you think I care? He'd be wearing potato sacks if I had my way! We'll go to the outlet store, those are the prices he deserves."
Dipper groaned. "Do we have to do this whole thing all over again?" He and Mabel both looked pleadingly at Bill, waiting for him to protest the return of his carefully-curated wardrobe of tacky golden horrors.
Bill shrugged. "If he didn't bring enough money to the mall, there's nothing we can do about it now."
"Hey! This isn't on me! If it wasn't for you, we'd be at the Shop Thrifty right now!"
Bill scoffed. "Come on, Stanley. It's the 2010's. Even at a thrift store, how far do you think a Jackson's gonna carry you?"
"I think it'd get me a sock I could cram in your mouth, how do you like that?" Stan tossed the last bag on the counter, told the dismayed cashier, "And he looked ugly in everything he picked out, anyway," and stomped toward the door.
"I'm so sorry," Mabel said to the cashier, and hurried after Stan with Dipper. "But Grunkle Stan, we found so many nice things here! We could at least get a couple shirts or leggings..."
"Hey," Bill said. "It's okay, kid."
Mabel shut her mouth, but she didn't look happy about it.
The party trailed behind Stan past a couple of stores, before Bill sped up to walk alongside him and asked, "Well? What's our haul?"
Stan grunted. "What?"
A slow, sly grin spread across Bill's face. "Come on. You can fool the humans, but you can't fool me. What's our haul?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
Bill raised a brow.
Stan only lasted a couple of seconds before he cracked a mischievous smile as well. "Oh, did you mean this haul?" He rummaged in his pockets and pulled out a pair of leggings. And then another pair. And then, from his other pocket, a Hawaiian shirt. And—
Mabel gasped. "Grunkle Stan," she hissed. "You didn't!"
"Aw, man." Dipper smacked his forehead. "So all that was an act?"
—and three pairs of socks out of his jacket sleeve, and a dress from his inner coat pocket, and— "Yeeep. I've still got it."
Mabel and Dipper exchanged an exasperated look.
"And you were gonna hit the thrift store." Bill lifted his sunglasses so Stan could see him roll his eye.
"Hey, they've usually got less security than the mall. It's a safer score."
"Cheaper, too."
"You shut up! I'd like to see you do as well."
A bright smile snapped across Bill's face. "Would you! Then get a load of this—" He showed off the front and back of one empty hand, then the other; curled one into a fist; pushed his fingers into the fist and plucked out a corner of fabric; and then, like a magician revealing a long line of scarves tied at the corners, pulled out one garment after another, shirts and skirts and pants. Mabel buried her face in her hands. Dipper looked around like he expected mall security to run up and immediately arrest them all. Bill said, "What'd we lift, almost half the stuff I picked? Neither of us managed to get the kangaroo jacket, did we."
"How did you..." Stan trailed off, jaw dropped.
Bill smugly stuffed the clothing back under his tank top. "All that, and... these." Bill lifted one foot and wiggled it, showing off the yellow foam clogs he'd changed into.
"You just walked out with those on?"
"Sure! You'd be amazed what you can do in plain sight—as long as you don't call attention to it."
"Where the heck are your sandals?"
"Not my problem." Bill gestured vaguely back toward 18th Century with his curtain rod cane. "From the lost-and-found they came, to the lost-and-found they shall return."
Stan, having had his attention called to the curtain rod cane, snatched it out of Bill's hand with a muttered "No weapons," and tossed it in a nearby trash can. Bill watched it go with an expression of miffed resignation. Stan said, "Okay, but how'd you get the security tags off all of those?"
And Bill's grin was back. "Maybe I'll show you—if you show me how you got all that clothing out of those bags into your pockets."
"I thought you were watching."
"My eye is better than my physical coordination. Give me a couple pointers and I'll give you a couple."
Stan looked doubtful. "I just saw you hide half a suitcase under a tank top. I don't think you need any more help with..."
"I'll sweeten the deal," Bill said. "I'm not really a clogs guy. You set me up to walk out with a pair of proper dress shoes, and I'll help you grab a couple rings from that booth at the door?"
Stan scowled. Bill grinned wider. "Come ooon. I know you were eyeing those rings too."
"If we get caught and you throw me under the bus, I'm dragging you down with me."
"I wouldn't dream of it! I don't think either of us can afford to show up on the police's radar, do you?"
"All right, fine. You've got yourself a deal, Cipher."
Mabel silently slid her cell phone over to Dipper so he could text Soos and Ford about this unsettling development.
####
(Thanks for reading!! As always, if you made it this far I deeply appreciate any thoughts & comments you want to share! Stay tuned next week for the unsettling development to get Even Worse.)
#bill cipher#human bill cipher#gravity falls#gravity falls fanart#gravity falls fic#my writing#my art#fanart#bill goldilocks cipher
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bill cipher’s alcoholic cousin bill cider
#im an actual alcoholic i can joke about this#one day sober today though . its hell on earth man i want a fucking drink#gravity falls#bill cipher
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top 5's!
favorite foods
favorite books (comics/graphic novels count too!)
favorite superheroes
favorite supervillains
favorite beverages
Omg so many 🤣🤣
Favorite foods:
- my dad's angel hair pasta and kilbasa
- snickerdoodle cookies (the softer the better)
- couscous 🤤🤤
- Salmon because I love fishie
- broccoli (bonus if it's made with browned butter and mizithra cheese)
Favorite books: (I've been reading so much fanfic lately I had to go home and look at my bookshelf to remember what the titles were 😅)
- the boxcar children series because they give me very good nostalgia 💜💜💜
- goodnight moon (for the same reason)
- The Botany of Desire (from my botany/ecology class, about the 'four desires of men' : beauty, stability, sweetness, and intoxication. It's actually a really interesting read if you like science)
- Welcome to Night Vale (the original novel; I need to get to the other ones still)
- Wicked (the novel the musical is based on - I was too young when I read it the first time so it was a *slog* but it's my favorite musical and has a lot of meaning for me personally, and I did enjoy the book when I re-read and actually finished it)
Favorite Superheroes: (not sure I have 5; I am not a superheros person 😅)
- Spiderman aka the only Marvel Tsum Tsum I allow in my collection
- Deadpool for the humor
- The Ninja Turtles if they count? And/Or the Power Puff Girls?
- Batman I guess? I have a tangential relationship with Batman because one of my mutuals is really into Batman and Robin and Danny Phantom crossovers which I have been looking at curiously. So a Blorbo-In-Law
- Iron man (sometimes?)
Favorite Super Villains:
- I don't have any 😅😅 sorry! (Unless Bill Cipher from Gravity Falls counts as a supervillain... Or Doofenshmertz from Phineas and Ferb.... Or Gru from Despicable Me yes I like the movies leave me alone /hj)
Favorite Beverages:
- Ginger Ale (specifically from the brand Sprecher; I love nice and spicy ginger ale 🤤🤤🤤)
- Fentiman's Rose Lemon Soda (it's from Britain so they call it lemonade but it's a soda.)
- Strawberry Limeade from Sonic 😅
- Peach Basil hard cider (for the taste; I just like basil for some reason. It comes from Sweden! ☺️)
- Tea! 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜 (Simpson and Vail have a blend called Shakespeare which is like black tea with rose, lavender, and rosemary, and it's *amazing* but I do enjoy most hot teas and iced teas)
#warcats answers#xman friend#top five stuff#so many caviats#im so sorry#😅😅😅#i feel the need to explain things
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"You looked lonely, so I got you a drink," The demon slides over a glass of hard apple cider to the king.
Introduction starters - Bill Cipher to Lucifer from Mage's Pandora's Box (sorry for sending you a second intro ask - my bad!) ((also, if needed, I can send Bill's bio link))
"That's one hell of a way to start a conversation." He'll accept the drink anyway.
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Week in Review
10/29/2023 – 11/04/2023
Sunday
Started the day off rewatching Starry Diamond, which Revue Starlight put on their YouTube channel to promote the Starry Session Band Live. I first watched this live when I wasn’t fully into my Starlight phase, so watching it back is really fun… Maho always brings the drama, and Mimorin showing up during Fly Me to the Star is so sweet… Fancy You was really emotional too…
Handsome Must Die’s ending was, as expected, bombastic. It was surprising that Yuri never revealed who she really was, I personally would’ve loved that moment of connection (and because I ship Yuri with Go), but I guess there wasn’t any time. In the end, I’m just glad to see Yuri, Go, Inukai, and Ban live their best handsome idol lives. Overall I’d say Handsome Must Die is a 6/10 for me.
Undead Unluck was pretty amazing, I don’t even have any insightful things to say other than that. The reverse roundtable is an insane reveal, and I’m really looking forward to learning more about it.
As soon as I saw all of them in that goddamn van again I knew they were going to get into another accident LMAO (Ichinose). Things were wrapping up pretty neatly beforehand, with the parents just being like we’re sowwy Sota and the family taking their long-promised trip together, but of course something went wrong because Taizan 5 reserves the last page of every single chapter for a twist. I’ll reserve my final thoughts for when the manga finishes, but overall I’m just relieved that it’s almost over. I’m pretty sure this accident is just a fake out to have an ironic cliffhanger moment, but if they genuinely have amnesia in the next chapter then lol. Lmao, even.
The Oshi no Ko chapter was pretty solid, it’s great to see things from Memcho’s perspective. I’ve always enjoyed how mature and coolheaded she is under that :3 streamer shell. Considering how pretty much all of the past characters and even whatever that little girl is are being brought into this production, I wonder if this is going to be the final arc…or perhaps the lead up to Aqua (and Ruby?)’s final confrontation with their father…
Dandadan 126: C’MON RIN!!! FULFIL YOUR IDOL DESTINY AND SING!!!
Magilumiere 89: I liked that little detail of Niko raising his hand to his face like the classic ojou-sama ohoho laugh. AND LMAO HIM BEING HANDED THE NON-ALCOHOLIC CIDER… But other than that, there are some dark rumblings happening at this party… I’m excited for next week.
Hmmm I’m a little tempted to drop Akane-banashi and check back in once it’s ended, but I do want to keep seeing Karashi…but it just feels like they keep introducing new characters with new gimmicks and I can’t keep any of them straight anymore.
One Piece 1096: Woah…younger Garp looks good…woah we got a lot of young designs…and little Kuma is so cute…and it’s so bittersweet to see Kuma and Ginny enjoy their freedom…
I’m intrigued by this new Chloe character in the SpyFam chapter. It’s great that she imparted some truth to Yuri, but of course he takes the wrong lesson from it lol. It’s interesting to see that he seemingly has a single moment of realization that Yor would be sad if Loid was arrested (before he denies it in a cognitive dissonance sort of way), but I can imagine this dynamic coming into play when the inevitable final conflict finally rears its head. In general, I’m kind of itching for some shift in the status quo of SpyFam…I know we just had a close call between Loid and Yuri, but that’s all it was, a close call, and now we’re back to none of them knowing anything about each other… but I imagine the mangaka would want to stretch this series out as far as they can, so we still have a ways to go.
Cipher Academy 46: YAY ANON-CHAN APPEARS! And I love that her fake name card also got slashed lol AND YOSAIMURA??? OH MY GODDDDDDD YESSS I LOVE WHEN GIRLS ARE SCARY AND THREATENING WOOOOO AND WOW I think this is the first time we’ve truly seen a crack in Kogoe’s cool demeanor…and Yosaimura’s hand on Kogoe’s cheek is so sjdkfjgsjhdfkl her ikemen vibes are absolutely insane. I’m also curious about this air graveyard Kogoe mentioned? And I wonder why she’s worried about Kyora (and Iroha) to the point of stacking the deck in their favour…is it just because of their friendship? Or is there a genuine threat in this metaverse? LMAO ANON LEARNING HER LESSON FROM THE TRILEMMA AND JUST THANKING YOSAIMURA we love to see growth. Aw she’s so cute with a flower in her hair…and this duo is really interesting. And the next chapter is looking to be really fun! God I love Cipher Academy!!!
Monday
I had already started reading volume 2 of the Kusuriya light novels a while ago, but I continued today on account of feeling the itch for more Kusuriya. I feel ambivalent about this Outer Palace arc though – I like the ambiance and the characters and the politics of the Rear Palace too much to really enjoy this new setting, and it feels like the some of the mysteries are just plopped onto Maomao’s lap without her really having stakes in them. From reading the manga, I know that these seemingly disconnected occurrences are indeed building up to something, but I’m looking forward to getting that over with and returning to the Rear Palace.
I also continued watching the Starry Diamond live – finally the other schools make their appearance! (It’s really funny seeing the bottle of ponzu just chilling on the stage…foreshadowing for later). Oni Kurenai was so fun, as was Chou ni Natte, but of course my oshi school is Siegfeld. It’s so sad that Yume couldn’t make it though… but Platinum Forte was great, Nossan’s head voice in the “higeki to kigeki” line was great, and Rose Poems WAS INSANEEEEEEEEEEE AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Nossan and Tonopii’s voices go so well together and their harmonizing is so beautiful and the DANCE and the HAND HOLDING and the WISTFUL GAZES this brought me back to my AkiShio era so hard.
After Rose Poems, we started getting into the Starry Diamond songs, and I remember the lead up to this album/live so fondly…listening to the previews on loop…trying to predict the groups/who would win the revues…I even bought the album off of Japanese iTunes so I could get my hands on the full Zeus no Chuusai as quickly as possible…yeah, the story elements of these songs kind of went nowhere, but the songs and performances themselves are still a blast. FutaKao’s bickering/flirting is so cute…also this is a cool chance to see the other schools’ weapons in use. It’s also interesting to see the beginnings of this FutaKao TamaRui square dynamic when they were still working out the writing before Arcana Arcadia completely changed the landscape.
OHHHHHH MY GOD FUMI AND SHIORI DOING THEIR LAST REVUE INTRO LINE TOGETHER IS SO AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AND FUMI AND SHIORI FIGHTING!!! AND MINNA DE LET’S PONZU!!!! AND FUMI SHIORI DANCING TOGETHER!!! Zeus no Chuusai will always be a banger. Oh my god Aiai looked so stunning when she claimed Position Zero… also it’s so funny how this became like the first of five times where Fumi and Shiori reconcile with each other…sisters are just like that huh. Also it’s really interesting to see how the non-Seisho costumes are so rudimentary at this stage, they really improved things for the stage play versions.
Aghhhh I’m so so so sad that Yume couldn’t make it to this live, Gyoshite literally has a bunch of my favourite girls in it and she would’ve slayed the performance so hard… YESSSSSSSSSS SATOHINA WITH THE BARSSSSSSSSS Agh Yume would’ve been so good at this choreo… I like how when Lalafin hits the ground with her hammer, Junna and Yuyuko jump to avoid the shockwave like she’s a Mario boss…
WOAGH the way Maya and Nana combined their last revue intro lines was so cool… MIKORON SPINNING HER SCYTHE AROUND LIKE A…LIKE A WHIP OR A LASSO OR SOMETHING JSDFKLSJDF Okay my Nana oshi friend is going to kill me for this but I can’t help loving Maho in this song SHE IS GIVING 1000%!!!!! SHE IS SADISTICALLY DELIGHTING IN DISARMING BANANA AND HER MANIACAL EVIL SMILE IS SOOOOOOOOOO AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH This really was a Betrayal at Crete…
And then the emotional whiplash of going from Betrayal to Procyon, which is just a bunch of puppies running around lmao. But it’s cute, and Haruki just nails that baton toss. I have similarly little to say about the final song, but Nossan’s voice harmonizes so well with Momoyo and Mimorin’s. In hindsight, it was probably a little silly of us to theorize about who’d win each revue when there was absolutely no way they were going to let Kukugumi, the ones that like 80% of the audience were there to see, lose to some random girls from the mobile game. But hopefully that’ll change for the Arcana Arcadia live (I’m still holding onto hope)…
God Mimorin’s solo lines in Star Divine give me the chills every time… AGHH MIMORIN CRYING IN HER CLOSING REMARKS AND EVERYONE HUGGING HER AND TEARING UP… I REALLY DO LOVE KUKUGUMI… Revue Starlight is just a magical franchise because it really feels like everyone involved with it loves it wholeheartedly and is in awe of its brilliance… I’m really glad that I’m alive to experience this franchise. Now I’m super super super hype for Starry Session, the first real Kukugumi live in like four years…
Read a bit more Kusuriya before I fell asleep, and felt so relieved when we were finally plopped back into the Rear Palace.
Tuesday
Finished reading Kusuriya volume 2. Despite the somewhat rocky road it took to get to the end, it’s satisfying to learn about Maomao’s family and give her parents a happy ending. Also, I didn’t think too much of Basen’s introduction in the manga, but seeing him being explicitly described as being close to Maomao’s age and disposition makes me wonder if he’ll be involved in a love triangle with Maomao and Jinshi in the future…obviously Maomao and Jinshi are endgame, but I wouldn’t mind some more romantic drama since Maomao is so fun in her obliviousness in this sphere.
The new Chainsaw Man chapter was fun, it’s great to see Quanxi back in action again.
I got started on Kusuriya volume 3 because I couldn’t help myself, and I love being back in the Rear Palace again. Maomao navigating the social climate in regards to Gyokuyou’s pregnancy is already super compelling, with her paying attention to the details of her clothing and any substances that have suspiciously made their way in…this is the level of drama I’m down for.
Wednesday
I read like two more pages of Kusuriya volume 3 but I was mostly just busy today.
Thursday
The same thing happened today OTL
Friday
I think I’ll always be itching for my Undead Unluck anime fix every Friday, and here we are. It’s a more lowkey episode both in story and in animation, but after last week’s episode I genuinely don’t mind. I’m all for productions taking a break on some episodes to focus their energy on other, bigger episodes…like next week’s, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Andy shooting his fingers at the Round Table only for everyone to parry it is such a cool intro…and it’s fun to get a glimpse into what everyone’s deal is. I love how chill Billy is, it’s very funny :) And surely he’ll be a chill guy for the whole show right haha. And Juiz is sooooooo cool aghhhhhh and the reveal that this is all in the name of killing God is so fun hehe and I love the slick typography they did when they were explaining the quests… AND SEAN MENTION WOOO Also I liked seeing some of the Shaftisms creep in in the episode’s direction lol I feel like I lose my vocabulary so badly when I talk about the Undead Unluck anime, like all I can say is it’s cool or fun etc. but it is!!!! I’m having so much fun!!!! I haven’t had this much fun with a shounen battle series since One Piece or Hunter x Hunter!!! I once saw a tweet about how a lot of modern shounen try to imitate Naruto or Bleach, but Undead Unluck is one of the only ones that set out to imitate One Piece and I think that’s so accurate… It really feels like there’s a whole world to explore, with so many different characters and abilities… I was a One Piece kid growing up so I’m definitely in this camp of shounen philosophy, and I’m having such a great time with Undead Unluck’s modern take on it. I’m so excited for next week!!! I hope I can see my boy Shen be unsettling!!!!!
Saturday
Kusuriya also had a pretty lowkey episode this week, but I enjoyed Maomao doing her little mushroom hunts and handiwork projects, as well as the Jinshi/Maomao moments. But next week’s Garden Party is what I’m really looking forward to.
SpyFam’s cruise ship arc is starting off strong! It’s fun to see Loid being the comic relief while Yor gets an emotional arc where she re-examines her feelings to this constructed family of hers and her career. I also love this arc for its structure, where a bunch of people converge onto one point or location. As Anya would say, it’s all very waku waku.
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autumnal asks - harvest, jack o lantern, and cider
jack-o-lantern - if you could look like any celebrity, who would you choose?
Idk if he counts but Tim Sutton on god. If not maybe like Ive Spice? I realize these are 2 VERY different answers but different people in here have different answers, main host says either of those tho (they're like a shape shifter)
cider - a food that you disliked as a child but now enjoy?
I've grown 2 be much more of a picky eater over the years, more often then not I dislike more foods now than as a child (like veggies, most give me sensory issues now) But, I use 2 LOVE sweets as a kid (couldn't have candy or anything, diabetes and like- a "health" obessed father) So like the rare occasion I could I'd eat any and all, bit anymore a lotta stuff sweets wise I use 2 like just make me sick now or I simply find 2 sweet.
harvest - what fictional character do you most identify with? Why?
Oh. Anon, you poor sweet innocent thing. As Already stated shits fucked and I simply cannot choose one bc I have SO much 2 say.
So, I kin WAY 2 many people, I like lowkey dress them change whole aspects of myself bc of them kinda way of kin. So there's a couple of major ones, also being the most at different times from earliest 2 now:
1. Puppet & Mangle from FNAF
2. Ticci Toby
3. Will Cipher
4. Jack-O' Valentine
I have like 50 kins, it's a lot- these are some of the biggest and most important 2 me tho (also honorary mention 2 Tim Wright from Marble Hornets, I love him sm- why is everyone a coward 2 make bitches fat honestly. Tim Sutton (the actor who played Tim Wright) is so fucking valid and like- thank u sir for ur contributions 2 the world- anyway yea-)
SO, These fictional characters are here for a multitude of reasons,
1. As already stated main host is a shape shifter of sorts, and by that I specifically mean their a mirror that's reflects and refracts, also a doll, meaning they often times just- heavily imprint on characters, and like they can usually sway of its just reflecting vs it altering who they are, they can't likd- choose- but I digress anyway- main host has like lore? way 2 much lore actually- but they're a fictive- its complicated as hell, but they're a fictive of Will Cipher, but they didn't know that originally and a took a HOT minute 2 figure that out, cuz originally the body was way 2 into FNAF, and with how the body is and processes things- robots? fucking dead children souls in robots? a whole mood. Massive mood- especially w/ Puppet being regreful/vengeful and Mangle not rlly being alive in the way everyone else way- very r/iam14andthisisverydeep or whatever but idc, it helped me get through trauma and life and made me happy also the music from the community slaps. So those are the main reasons for mangle & puppet, like the main host literally being a doll (who sometimes has robot limbs, and oops I forgot 2 mention theyre mute and blind- they like have a voice box they just don't always like using it and the blind thing is a whole fucking story-) but yea voice box, being all fucked up physically and mentally? mood 10/10 can't wait for the fnaf movie (Also why those 2 instead of any others is bc like- this was really early on- like what literally only game 2- so maybe 2017? oh my god I'm old- anyway slightly off topic but toy Bonnie is gender as hell)
Ok uhh- Ticci Toby- OH my god the things 2 say, I didn't even mention in the lady part but tics n twitching??? such a thing for us. Especially the host. They cry a lot and generally get overstimmed really easily- and idk what exactly causes it but boy do they tick and twitch, also he's how we found out were trans so oops- um- idk his backstory is a like a mood, we share a decent amount of disorders- and generally his fanon (and maybe canon idk or care, like fuck kastoway) are pretty much a vibe 2 how the main host was for a while- and 2 some degree still is, there's def other reasons tho, like he was the most similar and human in the fandom, he also has a lotta features they really enjoy (curly brown hair, freckles (depending) that like almost sickly white- OH also hachets??? hello??? and his mask??? gender as fuck. Wish I looked that good oh my god. There's just so many reason, he was one of the first pastas I fell in love with, one of the first really I ever even saw. He's like- bi polar like me and idk, I just really enjoy that. He's got enough backstory so that he has a general vibe but hcs can run wild, and still fit. I really hate how childish he's treated tho, I love him as a kin bc he's childish but also not? he's not mature in the slightest but he's not stupid and definitely can hold his own, with lots of character depth. Also his fear of Cars gets more and more relatable (ive been nearly in so many accidents I refuse 2 get a license)
these aren't as on depth as I probably want them 2 be but I don't know I'm comfortable sharing
🖤🖤🎃 Jack-O' Valentine
Silly girl
so gender
so cool, she's got a sort of DID which we love, she's been multiple people and fucked and all these things but in the end she's happy and learning 2 he herself (whatever she decides that is) She fucking blew up Japan tho sorta? gg lore is something else- also Justice her previous form having a massive blue cock is infinitely funny (Justice is a massive mecha, totally pegged sol-) But yea, jacko loves halloween is like 70s inspired is motivating cute and generally such a good character? God. I could not reccomend a character and fandom more, gg is incredibly cool and diverse, and jacko's no different. she's diverse in other ways besides gender, race, identity, I mean she is a white (I think-) woman, probably bisexual idk, but she's got a lot of complexity 2 her w/ having identity issues n shit bc she's part a whole different person, who she was originally meant 2 be, but shit got fucky and ow that's Relatable, her tryna see the best in it all tho? love that- she's so silly as well it's great- and is loved by the person she was supposed 2 be's husband? who loves her for her? goals. also just- her kids so cool lmao I love dizzy-
I'm getting dizzy rn and need my meds hope this was enough for u xx
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SO-3: Don't You "Sugar" Me!
If there's a lot of engagement on this, this post is liable to get real long, beware before you expand.
I'll edit in the real art once I make some!
Welcome to the Engagement Lounge, for The Teapot Om (SO-3) an instalment! (I can't resist a reprehensible pun. Best you find that out now!) Short comments can go in the replies, but there's a 475 character limit. Longer ones will need a reblog. Remember to @asksoldieron if you're reblogging someone else's reblog, so I can see it too!
I wrote part of this instalment almost five years ago and managed to use most of it! With minor continuity corrections, of course😉. My timeline notes for this actually say "The Teapot Om (am I gonna keep that?)" I did!
The spouse and I were having a chat over ciders about Tumblr sexymen. We agreed on David, right away. If anyone noticed him, David would be there right away. We thought Milo and Erik might get there eventually. I asked him if he hadn't considered Seth and John. He surprised me with "No way."
He's been Tumblring longer than I have, so maybe he has a better feel for it. His first criteria that they failed me meet, "Some kind of dom energy." I pointed out "Seth is canonically [SPOILER, REDACTED] and John is doing kidnapping and mind control!" "Yeah, but they don't enjoy it."
Second criteria: "They need to be willing to sing 'How Bad Can I Be?'" Oh, no! That's a blast from Tumblr's embarrassing past! But maybe he's not wrong? Bill Cipher and Sans and He Who Shall Not Be Named and Alastor all have that in spades. There are others who don't, but he would classify them as "woobies" or "wet little meow-meows." That's where Seth and John belong!
"What if they'd sing 'Biggering'?" I asked. That's the original, darker cut of "How Bad" with more metal. I could definitely see Seth and Erik getting sucked into that. Try-Hard People-Pleaser to Force of Destruction is a vibe for both of them, at different times (and once at the same time!).
"Nah, that won't do it," he decided.
John may have escaped being drawn as a sexy white anime boy just because he's sad and conflicted! Or because he's obscure and nobody's looking and they never will! Ha, I'm a curdled idealist, so that means I'm a cynic. I can't always tamp it down, I'm sorry. I'm trying to have more compassion for myself. Really. It's a process.
John hides in the bathroom with the fan on and the shower going full blast when he's having a freakout. That will be important later!
[Back to the Site?]
#tin soldier and soldier on#instalment#engagement lounge#potential sexymen#we know who the original was and we shall never see his like again#...because everyone seems super embarrassed about it!#but if i get popular david is inevitable#and probably david-in-erik too!#“what? the original died in his late forties? but this one is just nineteen😍!”
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A Pitch Black Room, A Velvet Ribbon, A Secret Box
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This was my first year doing NaNoWriMo. It started as a writing prompt (the title is literally just the prompt) and it's a collection of short stories from many different peoples' perspectives linked by various objects. I won this year but never looked back at it. In fact, I am kind of embarrassed by it but I try to remind myself I was literally a child. Instead of being broken up into chapters, it's broken into characters.
Written in November 2016
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Part 2, John
“Oo, look! It’s pitch black in here!”
“Better hope there ain’t nothing livin’ in there, John!” Ronald called, following behind him “My pa told me rats can grow big ‘nuff to take your fingers off in these abandoned houses.”
“There ain’t no rats in these parts.” Replied John as entered the room “The people who lived here last ain’t never even once so much as called the pest control people.”
“Yeah, but how long ago was that?” The last boy, Reuel, asked.
“I dunno. A few years, I guess. My dad said this house hasn’t had a person who lived in it for more than a few months since he was a kid himself. ‘Parently, someone had it for years, then sold it. No one’s stuck ‘round for long ever since.”
“It’s probably haunted.” Reuel said matter-of-factly “That’s the only reason so many people are afeared of it.”
“It is not.” John shot at him “Don’t ya think we’d’ve heard ‘bout that by now if it was? We’d know if anyone was killed here or somethin’ like that.”
“I dunno,” Ronald said “Sam told me ‘bout some spooky stuff happenin’ ‘round here.”
“Sam’s always seein’ spooky stuff.” John scoffed “He probably never actually been inside, though.”
“What’re ya expectin’ t’ find in this dump anywho, John?” Ronald asked “If nobody’s been here for so long, there’d be nothin’ to find.”
“Abandoned houses are the best for findin’ hidden treasure, ya idiot.” John snapped.
“I ain’t an idiot!” Ronald cried “You’re the--”
“Cool it, will ya?” Reuel interrupted “He don’t mean nothin’ he says. Jus’ let him alone.”
“What makes ya think there’d be treasure here, anywho?” Ronald asked, crossing his arms unhappily “Did ya find a map, or somethin’?”
“Who needs a map?”
“We need a map.”
“Says who?”
“Says me.”
“Oh, yeah? Who’s in charge, here?”
“How are ya goin’ find hidden treasure without a map or anythin’?”
“We don’t need no map.”
“Hey, I found somethin’!” Reuel called in excitement from the other side of the room. The other boys instantly stopped their bickering and clamored over to him.
“What’s ya find?” John asked in anticipation.
“Some sort of string or somethin’.” Reuel answered, pulling the ribbon up from under some of the floorboards. The boys gasped in excitement and quarreled over taking turns to examine it.
“This ain’t no string!” Ronald cried when it was finally his turn to hold it “This is one of them ribbons girls wear in in their hair! What use is a ribbon that’s got girl cooties all over it?”
“It’s goin’ lead us to the treasure whether it belonged to a girl or not!” John said, snatching the ribbon back.
“How’s it suppos’ t’ do that?” Ronald asked.
“There’s probably some secret cipher or somethin’ hidden on it.” John answered.
“What’s a kifper?” Ronald asked, cocking his head to the side.
“Kinda like a code.” Reuel explained.
“There’s a secret message on here.” John restated “We jus’ gotta find it.”
“And decipher it.” Reuel added flatly.
“Why’d we want t’ decider somethin’ if we found it with a cider in the first place?” Ronald asked, scratching his head.
“Can ya read words in code?”
“No.”
“That’s why.”
“Oh.”
“We need t’ find where the code is on this thing.” John said, turning the ribbon over and over in his hands “Come on, let’s get a look at it.” The three of them sat down on the dusty floor in a circle and John placed the ribbon in the center of them.
“It would help we had some light or somethin’.” Ronald said.
“Use your head, will ya?” John snapped at him “If we take it out of here, someone else is gonna see it and find out the the code before us. We’d never get t’ find the treasure.”
“Alright, alright.” Ronald grumbled. Reuel picked up the ribbon first and ran his fingers over the soft velvet. There was silence for a bit, then he tossed it back into the center.
“I don’t feel nothin’ weird ‘bout it.” He concluded, crossing his arms.
“How d’ya know what a girl’s ribbon feels like?” John asked.
“I don’t.” He replied sharply.
“Then, how d’ya know there’s nothin’ weird ‘bout it?”
“I jus’ know.”
“How else could we find a code, John?” Ronald asked.
“How’m I s‘posed to know?” John cried “All I know is that there’s a cipher hidden somewheres on this ribbon and it’ll lead us to the treasure!”
“But, if we can’t find a cipher, how can we get it t’ lead us t’ the treasure?” Reuel asked.
“We jus’ have t’ figger it out.” John said firmly “It’s probably gonna take plenty of time, though.”
“How else would a cipher be hidden on a ribbon?” Reuel asked. The boys started brainstorming, moving the ribbon from hand to hand between them. Ideas were tossed back and forth, tested, then debunked. They did everything they thought of, but soon it was time for them to get back home.
“We need s’more time t’ think ‘bout it, that’s all.” John said as he lead the other two out of the house. They had tucked the ribbon back between the floorboards where Reuel had found it and hoped no one would come looking around and find it.
“I’m gonna ask my pa ‘bout sliphers.” Ronald announced “See if he’s got any ideas.”
“Ya are not gonna ask your pa.” John said in a warning tone.
“Why not?” Ronald whined.
“Ya can’t let no one know ‘bout the ribbon or the treasure.” John said authoritatively.
“It won’t stay a secret if ya go ‘round blabbing ‘bout it to everyone.” Reuel put in.
“Well, shoot, I wasn’t gonna blab to everyone!” Ronald claimed “I jus’ wanted to ask my pa if he had any ideas!”
“Well, ya can’t tell no one ‘bout it.” John said “When we find the treasure, ya can tell your pa, but not before.”
“Alright, alright,” Ronald grumbled “It’s gonna take forever t’ figger out the slipher, then.”
“For the last time, it’s cipher.” Reuel said, rolling his eyes.
“And it don’t matter how long it’ll take us, we ain’t tellin’ no one.” John said “The treasure is ours and I want to make sure it stays that way.”
~*~
John had gotten to the pitch black room first and waited impatiently for the others to get there. He hadn’t a clue as to how to extract the cipher from the ribbon and he was counting on the others to bring fresh ideas. Though he was “in charge”, as he liked to remind the others constantly, he was often at a loss without them. Reuel, with his complacent and easy going attitude, brought most of the intelligence to the group. Ronald often looked at things in a very basic manner, easily solving problems the other two would overthink. He also had a tendency to ask stupid questions, which made John feel better when he could answer them without thinking. The three of them worked well together (ignoring their minor bickers and bantering over small things) and complemented the others’ weaknesses. John turned when he heard someone coming into the room behind him.
“Ron’s not here, yet?” Reuel asked, sitting next to John.
“Nope.” He answered.
“His pa’s probably askin’ him why he’s goin’ out so late.”
“Well, if he tells him ‘bout the ribbon, I’ll bash his head in.”
“I didn’t tell nobody.” An offended voice came from the doorway. Ronald came and sat with the other two, arms crossed.
“Ya can’t blame us for wantin’ t’ be cautious.” Reuel said.
“Yeah, you’re the one wantin’ t’ tell everyone and their dog ‘bout--”
“I don’t want t’ tell no one!” Ronald cried “I jus’ said--”
“Shut it, will ya, and let’s get started.” John said “Now, what’d ya think we could do t’ find the secret code?”
“Well, I was thinkin’ ‘bout how we found it under the floorboards.” Reuel said “What if the message was under them, too?”
“And the ribbon was jus’ t’ mark the place, huh?” John said thoughtfully “That might be it. Let’s take a look.” The boys scrambled over to where they had left the ribbon the night before.
“How we s’posed t’ get them boards up?” Ronald asked “We ain’t got a scewdiver or nothin’.”
“They’s loose already.” John said, poking them with his toes “If we can squish our fingers ‘round ‘em, we might be able to pull ‘em up.”
“They are pretty spacious ‘tween the boards.” Reuel contemplated. The boys dropped to their knees and wedged their fingers between the boards and wiggled and pulled with all their might. Eventually, a board was loosened and came up a little.
“Lookit! Lookit!” Ronald cried in joy “We getting the boards up!”
“Stop clamourin’ and help.” John snapped. Together, the boys were able to pry the board, along with a few nails, off and peered into a shallow hole.
“There ain’t nothin’ there.” Ronald whined.
“Ya ain’t lookin’ close ‘nuff.” John said “Here, put your hand down there and feel ‘round for a bit.”
“I ain’t puttin’ my hand in that hole! Glory knows what kinda critters are livin’ down in there!”
“I’ll do it, ya big sissy.” Reuel scoffed, reaching his hand into the hole.
“I ain’t a sissy!” Ronal yelled “You’re--”
“Shut up.” John cut him off “Find anythin’?”
“Nah, there’s jus’ dirt and crud down here.”
“Well, shoot, the code must be on that ribbon, then.” Ronald said.
“And we’re right back t’ where we started, John.” Reuel added, pulling his hand out of the hole.
“Give me a minute t’ think, will ya?” He said irritably, picking up the ribbon again.
“D’ya think there might be somethin’ else ‘round the room that might help us?” Ronald asked.
“It won’t hurt nothin’ to look.” Reuel answered with a shrug. The boys began to scour the corners of the room, brushing aside cobwebs and dust. After a few minutes, they came back to the center.
“There ain’t nothin’ here.” Reuel said in disgust.
“We ain’t never gonna find that treasure!” Ronald cried in horror.
“Now, cool down for a minute.” John said “Why would there be a ribbon in the middle of an old abandoned house when there’s nothin’ else?”
“Maybe someone jus’ left it.” Reuel said with a shrug.
“Nah, they put it here a’purpose.” John said “That’s why the rest of the house is empty. We’re jus’ gonna have to find out what’s goin’ on with the ribbon.”
“My pa’s gonna be wantin’ me back home soon, John.” Ronald said “How we s’posed t’ find the code b’fore I gotta go home?”
“I know.” John said, snapping his fingers “We’re gonna have t’ take turns takin’ it home and keep tryin’ to figger it out. I’ll be first, of course.”
“Why do ya always get to be first?” Ronald whined.
“‘Cause I’m in charge, that’s why.”
“But you're always first. Can’t I be first for once?”
“And have you tellin’ everyone ‘bout the treasurer? I don’t think so.”
“Come on, John, I won’t tell nobody!” Ronald pleaded “I won’t even tell my pa nothin’ ‘bout the treasure, or the ribbon, or the house--”
“Best let him so he shuts up.” Reuel breathed to John, who sighed.
“Do you swear that ya won’t tell a soul ‘bout any of this?” John interrogated solemnly.
“I swear, John!” Ronald cried in earnest.
“Cross your heart and hope to die?”
“Cross my heart and hope to die.”
“Stick a needle in your eye?”
“Yes, John! I ain’t gonna let anyone get our treasure!”
“Fine,” John said, handing him the ribbon “but I get it next and you’d better come up with some good ideas.”
“I will, John, I will!” Ronald cried, clutching the ribbon in excitement. He turned and ran off, leaving John and Reuel to walk slowly to their own homes.
“D’ya really think there’s a treasure, John?” Reuel asked as they walked in the cool night air.
“What does it matter?” John asked with a shrug “It’s the hunt that’s the fun part, after all.”
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#gravity falls#bill cipher#apple cider#dirty gravity falls confessions#dirtygfconfessions#mod goo#the perfect time of year for this
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Years ago, many many years ago, when I was still playing Warcraft and The Night’s Watch - our guild - was still something we were proudly fostering, we did a lot of voice chat with our guildies. There was a guy we made friends with. He was English and I don’t remember his name or his character (he was....a warlock? maybe?), but I remember his voice. He was always so friendly and sweet and just an all around nice fellow. Anyway, one day, he told us he’d published a fantasy book and I remember being so thrilled for him and Husband and I had both decided we wanted to read it. We never did (college ate up all our time immediately after that. We turned the guild over to people we trusted and, years later, we poked back in to see it was thriving and well, bigger than we’d dreamed with a cross faction chapter and, last I’d heard, they were trying to span servers) but I think about that guy sometimes and what his book was about. And I hope it sold well and that he’s happy.
#cider ciphers#I think about our guildies a lot#I miss that kind of community#it was so much fun#and casual#and we fostered a sense of community#I miss them
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Guess who shows up in this chapter! With a ✨summer job✨!
Unlearning the "act like a rich snob" instinct is an ongoing process.
Here's "Bill is the Mystery Shack's extremely sulky prisoner" chapter 10, featuring: a haunted living doll, a trip to Greasy's, Bill acting like a playground bully, and the twins figuring out how they feel about another summer of triangle bullshit. Other chapters here.
####
Late in the morning, Mabel came home from a sleepover at Candy's. She went to the upstairs bathroom to shower.
The bathroom looked like a salon got in a fight with Bill's hair and won. The wet floor was coated in shorn golden locks like fallen soldiers. The air reeked of hair treatment chemicals and sick. There was a towel smeared with blood.
Maybe she'd brush her teeth downstairs and shower later.
She fished her toothbrush out of her sleepover bag, gingerly plucked the toothpaste from the sink, and retreated.
Bill's nest by the attic window seat was abandoned. In his place were half a dozen empty cans of hard cider and a sandwich with three bites taken out of it.
Mabel descended the stairs warily.
Soos's blanket of the anti-Bill zodiac no longer hung on the living room wall.
Mabel moved on to the downstairs half-bath. She pulled aside the doorway curtain.
There, sitting in the dark, curled into a ball in the small space between the sink and the toilet, was a human shape. Draped over it was Soos's zodiac blanket. The head of the thing under the blanket lifted and blindly turned toward the sound of Mabel drawing the curtain. The zodiac was positioned just right so that the image of Bill Cipher covered the hidden face like a mask. The false Bill stared into Mabel's eyes.
Mabel quietly backed out of the bathroom. She let the curtain fall shut.
She stood in the hallway, hand to her chin, contemplating the omens she'd witnessed.
She said, "Something happened last night."
####
Less than a week into summer vacation, Dipper and Mabel had seen every single movie currently playing. (They'd even seen the R movies, after getting advice from Jeff on how to convincingly pull off the "two kids in a trench coat" gambit. Thompson made direct eye contact with Dipper in the theater lobby. He said nothing.)
They'd hung out with all their friends, had at least one meal over at each of their houses, and caught up on a school year's worth of gossip. Mabel had sleepovers nearly every night, alternating between Grenda's and Candy's houses. Even Dipper had voluntarily subjected himself to an evening of aggressive girliness in order to tag along for one of the sleepovers. (They'd probably only gotten permission because Grenda's mother assumed "Mabel's twin" must be a sister.)
They found a fairy ring in the forest that connected to a crop circle in Wiltshire, England. They discovered a crane game at the mall that was full of haunted dolls. They took Waddles for a walk and had to save him from a cult of feral flower children that wanted to sacrifice him to their love shack.
In other words, they did everything they could think of to avoid home.
When they were in the Mystery Shack, they were either in their bedroom or using the bathroom. They avoided the kitchen and living room as much as they could, and they fell silent when they heard the floor creaking outside their room, in case of an eavesdropper. They tiptoed whenever they had to go near Bill's nest by the attic window seat to reach the stairs. They grew accustomed to strange thuds and quickly cut-off arguments, although they never became comfortable with them. They got used to waking up afraid.
The plague of hair was new; but it was, they had to agree, exactly the kind of thing they expected at this point.
"You could collect some of the hair," Dipper's haunted porcelain doll suggested. "You could make a poppet. It would let you control him. I could teach you how. All you need is that hair, five black candles, a doll—"
"Nope," Dipper said. He was getting dressed in their bedroom alcove with the curtain drawn. "You're always trying to make more haunted dolls, Bartholomew, and the answer's always no!"
"It won't be haunted!" Bartholomew insisted. "Honest! I promise! Not initially. Until you use it to kill Bill."
"Listen, young man." Mabel scooped the porcelain doll up from the cardboard cradle she'd made for him. "We've told you, we can't kill Bill until we know it won't cause the apocalypse. Do you want the world to end?"
Bartholomew let out the longest, heaviest sigh that had ever come out of a doll with an unmoving face. "No. I don't."
"That's right. So reign in that bloodthirst, Barty!"
"Ugh. Fine."
"Good!" She set Bartholomew back down.
Dipper asked, "Could we use a poppet to control him in non-fatal ways, though?"
"Oh, yeah, sure. Torture it, restrain it, freeze it, burn it, cast spells on it, soak it in lemon juice, throw it in the dryer—hey, that one's really funny—"
Dipper pulled aside the curtain and looked at Mabel. "Maybe a poppet wouldn't be a bad idea. In case Bill tries anything."
They collected the biggest, healthiest lock of hair they could find off the bathroom floor, stuck it in a sandwich bag they found at the bottom of Dipper's backpack, stored the bag in the backpack, and left the house to look for brunch.
####
Dipper and Mabel had been putting off visiting Greasy's Diner as long as possible, hoping that at least Grunkle Stan could come along for their first visit of the summer, if not the whole Pines family; but after coping with another morning of Bill-related nonsense, and hearing from Soos that Stan and Ford had also been up half the night dealing with said nonsense and would probably sleep in, they decided they really needed to visit somewhere as comforting and familiar as possible. And so, off they went to Greasy's. Lazy Susan warmly greeted them, asked when Stan would come by, showed them to a booth, and then left them with a couple of menus and their glum thoughts.
"Dipper?" Mabel spun the laminated menu on the table top. "You remember how at the start of last summer, we just thought Grunkle Stan was some weird smelly old guy and we wanted to do anything except hang out with him?"
"Ugh, don't remind me. If this was last year, I'd be sweeping up dead hair instead of getting breakfast right now." He laughed weakly; but he knew that wasn't what Mabel was getting at. "This is even worse, isn't it."
She stopped spinning her menu to look across the table at Dipper. "We still haven't spent any real time with Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford, but this time I feel all guilty about it."
"I'm pretty sure they feel guilty about it, too."
"It's not their fault, though."
It wasn't Dipper and Mabel's fault, either, but pointing that out wouldn't help. Dipper felt like they'd callously abandoned their grunkles in Bill-infested territory while they ran off to have fun. The fact Stan and Ford kept telling the kids that they wanted them to have fun didn't lessen the feeling that they were traitors. "Grunkle Stan did say we could take a fishing trip once everyone's figured out the best... guard schedule."
"I know, but there's still..." Mabel waved a hand in vague circles. "All this. I almost feel like..."
She didn't want to say out loud that she wanted to go home; saying it would start tilting their course in that direction. If she said it, and if she found out that Dipper agreed, then it might come true. And nothing would be worse than that.
Dipper didn't want to say it, either. "This won't be all summer," he said. "Grunkle Ford's already got a weapon that can get rid of B—Goldie's body and whatever's inside of it, no matter if he's human or alien. It's just out of fuel. He only needs enough to take one shot, and then the rest of our summer goes back to normal. Right?"
Mabel took a moment too long to reply. "Right," she said. "It's that quantum jumbo-laser thing you told me about, right?"
"Yeah, the quantum destabilizer."
"How long will it take him to get the fuel it needs?" Mabel asked. "Is there anything we can do? I hate just having to... steer around everything while the grown-ups try to deal with it without us."
"Yeah. So do I."
Before Dipper had to admit that he didn't know what it would take to refuel the quantum destabilizer, someone approached the table. "Hey, I'll be your waitress this morning. Do you guys have any questions about the menu, or..." The waitress trailed off in horror as she registered her guests' faces. "Oh no."
Dipper and Mabel gaped. "Pacifica?!"
She hid her face behind her notebook. "Don't say anything. Do not say anything."
"You work here?" Mabel asked, followed immediately by Dipper, "You work?"
Pacifica's cheeks flushed. "Don't make a big deal out of it okay! I'm not, like, working-working! I'm just—making some pocket money, that's all!"
"That's working-working," Mabel said.
"Pacifica—" Dipper had to choke back a laugh at the absurd sight. She was wearing normal people clothes. She was wearing an apron. "What."
"Okay, look!" She slapped her notebook on the table. "It's not like I'm poor or anything? But after we built a smaller manor, my parents slashed my allowance—my wardrobe budget only covers a new summer/spring wardrobe instead of summer and spring wardrobes—and like... it's hard, okay? So I'm just—doing a few odd little gigs or whatever. To keep up with my hobbies! That's it."
Dryly, Dipper said, "Wow. Earning money if you want to buy things."
"It must be so hard." Mabel was doing a slightly less successful job of maintaining a poker face.
"Oh, whatever! You two just don't appreciate the value of hard work." Over Dipper and Mabel's giggles, Pacifica stuck her nose in the air and went on, "I'm investing in my future. I'm picking up part-time jobs while you two are spending your summer goofing off! It's like you're saying you don't want to have money."
Dipper and Mabel exchanged a glance. Mabel said, "Soos said he'll pay us $20 an hour to help in the gift shop."
"He what?!" Pacifica's jaw dropped. "Shut up! There is no way that cheesy tourist trap can afford those kinds of wages! Is it even legal for Soos to hire you! Aren't you, like, thirteen!"
Dipper said, "Aren't you thirteen?"
Pacifica huffed. "Never mind, I don't even care about your dumb job! This isn't even my main income stream. I've got this great modeling gig coming up with a huge paycheck, so—forget you you guys!" She flipped her hair and stomped off.
And immediately stomped back. "I forgot to take your orders."
"Pancakes." "Also pancakes."
"Fine." She re-flipped her hair and stomped off.
Mabel leaned across the table to whisper to Dipper, "Wow, the return of Rudy McSnootypants! Did she switch from acting snobby over being rich to acting snobby over being working class?"
"She's probably just embarrassed," Dipper said. "She's actually been pretty cool the last few months. When we play Bloodcraft together, she's... I mean, okay, during PVP matches she's the rudest person you've ever met, and she's the worst to healers—but she's nice enough outside of that."
"Oh, yeah." Mabel grinned. "Guess she never mentioned her new job while you guys were playing, huh?"
"Nope."
"You're probably right! She was nice when I talked to her about making her blanket. She even shipped new materials to me when she wanted alpaca yarn instead of acrylic."
Dipper laughed, "Wow, I can't believe Pacifica had to get a job just to afford your blanket."
"What can I say, I'm a master artisan!"
Pacifica returned, set down two plates of pancakes and two sodas, and said, "This is a bribe. Free drinks all summer if you don't tell anybody else about this. The only reason my friends don't know is because they wouldn't be caught dead here. They cannot find out."
Mabel considered the offer. "Free drinks and dessert."
Pacifica bounced a heel as she considered the offer. "Only out of the half-off day-old pie case."
"That sounds fair."
"Okay. Deal. Um, thanks." Pacifica turned to go, then paused. "Hey, Dipper. Your uncles don't use the Internet, right? Does that mean you won't be available for Bloodcraft this summer?"
"Soos finally got the shack online. He says the Internet goes out when the weather's eldritch, but I can borrow his computer for our guild's weekly raids. He understands how important it is."
Pacifica's eyes lit up. "Cool. Then I'll see you on raid night."
"Yeah! See you then."
Pacifica left to tend to another table, and Dipper said, "Yeah, she was just embarrassed. She's fine. ... Why are you smiling."
"Weekly raids? Am I gonna have to warn Kelsey about Pacifica—?"
"Mabel!" Dipper's face flushed. "Come on, we're not—! Worry about your own love life. We've almost been here a week, haven't you found a new crush yet?"
"I've decided love will find me when it finds me. For now, I'm focusing on my matchmaking services."
"Well! Make a match somewhere else."
"You're sooo red right now. Bop." Mabel leaned across the table to poke Dipper's nose, then dug into her pancakes. "You know... even with everything going on—I'm glad we're here. Think! If we'd gone home as soon as we found out we'd be stuck with him all summer, we'd never have found out Pacifica is a waitress. Or met Barty-Mew! Mew-mew. Meow."
"So that makes it worth it, huh?"
"Yes! Being around our friends! Being part of their lives again. I don't want to miss out on that because I'm—afraid. Do you?"
Dipper half smiled. "No. I don't. If we were home, I'd just be missing Gravity Falls, and still worrying about him. At least here, we can keep an eye on him."
"Yeah!" Mabel beamed. "We got off to a little bit of a rocky start, but this summer's gonna be great! And there's nothing he can do to stop it! Right?" She offered her fist.
"Right." Dipper fistbumped her.
####
Stan and Ford were worrying over coffee mugs in the kitchen when the door opened, but both their faces lit up when they saw Dipper and Mabel in the entryway. Stan said, "Hey, kids! Whaddaya doing back here?"
"Soos said you'd just gone out," Ford said. "We weren't expecting you back until this evening."
Mabel bounded into the kitchen. "We decided to hang out here today!" She hugged Stan and Ford in turn.
Stan looked between them in surprise. "Really? To do what?"
Mabel said, "Art project!" at the same time Dipper said, "Sorcery."
"I'm gonna sew a doll with Barty," Mabel said. "We'll figure out what to do with the rest of the day after that."
Dipper said, "Grunkle Ford, do you know anything about poppets?"
"Huh." He stroked his chin. "I'm familiar with the concept, but I've never encountered a working one myself. I probably can't tell you much you don't know yourself."
"That's okay." Dipper puffed his chest out. "After we've made one, maybe I can show you my research on them?"
Ford smiled. "Maybe you can. We still haven't compared our past year's research notes, have we? I just haven't been able to find time, with..." His smile faltered.
Firmly, Dipper said, "We'll make time."
"But later!" Mabel insisted, hanging off the kitchen doorframe by one hand, "C'mon, Dipper! Arts and witchcrafts!" She bounded up the attic stairs two at a time. Dipper followed after her.
Stan turned to Ford. "Who's Barty?" Ford shrugged.
Mabel's upward dash paused at the top of the stairs. The zodiac blanket-bedecked specter was back upstairs in his usual spot, curled up in the window seat, apparently trying to read a book through the gaps in the yarn.
But she quickly gathered her courage again. "Hey! Stinky!"
Bill turned to face her. "Yello?"
Mabel planted her hands on her hips. "I'm not afraid of you! There's nothing you can do to make me afraid of you ever again!"
The yarn triangle face stared at Mabel in unimpressed indifference. "Ouch. You're breaking my heart, Shooting Star."
"And I'll break your face if you ever try to hurt my family again!" She turned away from Bill, did her best approximation of Pacifica's dismissive hair flip, and flounced off to the bedroom.
"Pfff." Bill turned toward Dipper as he came up the stairs and asked wryly, "What did I do to warrant that? Have I not been minding my own business and avoiding you people intimidatingly enough?"
Dipper did a startled double-take—this was his first time seeing the zodiac blanket ghost—but he said, "No. No quippy banter. We're not doing that. Banter is for friendly chess club rivals, not attempted murderers."
"Oh, you joined the chess club?"
"Shut up." Dipper stomped after Mabel, stopped, and about-faced to squint at Bill's book. "Is that—? How did you get my journal!"
"I summoned a living shadow and tasked it with bringing me your worst and deepest secrets— Just kidding. You left it in the bathroom, genius."
Dipper must have taken it out of his backpack when he was looking for a baggie for the hair sample. "Give it back!"
Bill held out the book—and jerked it back when Dipper reached for it. "Too slow!" He held it over his head.
"Hey! Bill!" Dipper jumped for the book. "I know martial arts!"
Bill got up on his knees to keep the book out of Dipper's range. "And I like pain! Fighting me will annoy you more than it'll hurt me!"
"Come on, man!" Dipper stuck his fingers in the blanket like a cat climbing a curtain as he tried to reach the book. He took a deep breath. "GRUNKLE FO—"
"Don't!" Bill shoved Dipper back.
Dipper fell to the ground, taking the blanket with him. He groaned—then froze, staring at the burns, the bandages, the raw red-rimmed eyes.
Until Bill shoved Dipper's journal in his face. "Sheesh, relax." He glared down at Dipper, eyes squinting unevenly, a hard smile forced onto his face—then he snatched back the blanket. "You can't take a joke." He turned the blanket in his hands until he'd found his face again, then pulled it back on.
Dipper gave him a dark look, but retreated after Mabel.
Ford climbed the stairs just high enough to shoot Bill a suspicious look.
Bill returned the stare, head cocked in a pantomime of wide-eyed innocence. "What?" He flung his hands in the air. "What! I'm just sitting here!"
Ford narrowed his eyes, but went back downstairs.
Bill's gaze drifted again to the kids' door. "'Not afraid of me,' huh? Pfft." He turned to watch the world through the window. "Yeah. That could be useful."
####
"What do you think?" Mabel asked, plopping the Bill-shaped doll in front of Bartholomew for inspection. It looked like a fabric gingerbread man. It had X's for eyes and was sticking its tongue out. "I made his dress out of a sock!"
"I guess it'll do," Bartholomew said. "The clothes could be nicer."
"Nice clothes are for nice people. He can deal with the sock dress." She considered her handiwork again, then said, "I guess a few more flowers on the dress wouldn't hurt." She rummaged in her craft supply basket for her yellow puffy fabric paint, and asked, "How's that pentagram coming, bro?"
"Just about finished." He set the last candle on the fifth corner of the chalk star he'd drawn between their beds, checked to make sure all the lines were connected, then pulled out a matchbook and lit the candles. "Okay, now what?"
Bartholomew said, "Now, we wait until the next full moon to start the binding ritual."
"When's that?"
"In about two weeks."
Dipper looked at the pentagram, looked at Bartholomew, and said, "So why am I setting this up right now?"
"That's what I've been wondering."
Dipper grumbled and started blowing out candles.
Mabel pulled out a couple balls of yellow yarn and asked, "Hey Dipper, can you get the hair baggie? I need to see which shade of yellow matches Bill's hair better."
"Sure." He rummaged around in his backpack. "Although if you want the poppet to be accurate, you might as well leave it bald." He looked at Bartholomew. "Does accuracy affect how well a poppet works?"
"Not much," Bartholomew said. "Give it the hair. Blondes are hot."
"You're a creep." Mabel threw a yarn ball at Bartholomew's face. "What do you mean, 'leave it bald'?"
Dipper said, "I saw under the blanket. Bill looks like he burned half his head."
"Whaaat?"
"Yeah, except for a few patches on the back of his head, he's almost totally bald. Not much of a surprise, considering what the bathroom looks like, but—yeah." He snorted. "He must have tried to copy Grunkle Ford's shaving technique."
Mabel laughed; but it quickly petered out. "So... he's hiding because he's embarrassed?"
"Guess so," Dipper said. "Huh. Wow. It's... kinda less creepy when you put it that way. Even Bill Cipher can have bad hair days, I guess."
"I guess so."
Bill was in Sweater Town. Mabel considered that, staring at the bald doll she'd made.
Then she grabbed her ball of yarn and started giving the doll hair.
#mabel pines#dipper pines#pacifica northwest#(for the artwork)#bill cipher#human bill cipher#(for the fic)#gravity falls#gravity falls fic#gravity falls fanart#fanart#my art#my writing#bill goldilocks cipher
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anonymous asked: What's your favorite season? What's your least favorite?
❛ I love Fall, particularly in Fire Country and Tea Country. ❜ bet you expected them to say winter, hm ? ❛ The leaves change color, nights are cool and crisp, people get cozy, and the world seems almost mystical for a few short months. ❜
plus, they look excellent in a scarf. that’s very important.
❛ I do not hate Summer, but I suppose it is my least favorite. While I enjoy the warmth, heat and I do not mix well. ❜
#❛ CIPHER DIVISION / ( answered asks )#❛ PLEASE QUEUE ME / ( queue )#they like bonfires and hot cider and mulled wine and s'mores and telling stories with friends! camping! fun!#winter makes haku feel at home but also kind of wild? like during blizzards haku sometimes gets misty-eyed and doesn't really know why#they like being with their loved ones more than they like feeling like they're one with winter soooo fall. fall is the cozy season!
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Crossed Wires meets Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse AU
This edit was inspired by @cassercole‘s post. It’s amazing check it out. I also have @perfectlystiles to thank for the conversation we had about her Into the Spider-Verse oc. It motivated me to finish this edit.
#ocappreciation#marvelocsdaily#toalltheocsivelovedbefore#allaboutocs#oc: rosabella anderson#crossed wires#otp: apple cider#spider-man: into the spider-verse#into the spider-verse#cipher-spider#spider-cipher#gifset#mine
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You know what would be cool to see? Deckard trying to convince Owen to help rescue Baby Brian 💕
Ooo! That would have been a really cool scene! The only thing is, I'm pretty sure Mama Shaw was the one to convince Owen to help Dom and Baby Brian
After all, Deckard didn't want to do it with Owen until his mother told him to
~~~
Stepping onto his mother's private jet, Deckard wrinkled his nose in disgust. He hated that he needed to rely on his mother and her whims to accomplish his plan. He could have done all of this by himself if he simply had a bit more time. However, here he was, doing her bidding once more. Grumbling under his breath, Deckard headed further inside.
He could hear several voices and cheering following after them and knew exactly who else was on the plane, watching the telly. Stepping around a small wall, Deckard sighed.
Completely lounging in a seat was his little brother, Owen. He was sipping at a hard cider while cheering loudly when his team scored. However, even though his face was nearly split in two by his grin, it didn't distract from the gruesome scars stretched across one half of his face.
Deckard had of course seen the scars, but only when Owen had still been in a coma. It felt unreal watching his brother awake and moving around with those scars. They were a constant reminder of the situation they had gotten themselves into.
"You gonna stand there all day, gawking at me?" A bored voice drawled, bringing Deckard out of his musings. Blinking, Deckard saw Owen throwing popcorn into his mouth while meeting his eyes. Sighing again, Deckard walked closer to his brother.
"You could have come visit me, you know." Deckard told him sitting down next to him and declining a sip of Owen's cider.
"When?" Owen snorted. "When I was in a coma or being transfered to a black site?"
"Oh please, we both know you didn't need mum breaking you out of there." Deckard rolled his eyes.
"It was like a vacation." Owen shrugged. "Made a lot of connections."
By the smirk Owen was sporting, Deckard could assume what kinds of connections he had made while in prison. Looking him over, Deckard nodded in satisfaction at the way Owen had gained back his muscles and strength after such a long period unconscious.
"Did mum tell you what she wanted us to do?"
"Said you'd fill me in."
Deckard rolled his eyes. Of course she had left him to do her dirty work and deal with Owen's inevitable tantrum.
"Toretto apparently had a kid and Cipher kidnapped him. We're the ones who are going to get him back."
Owen didn't even look at him and sipped at his cider as he stared at the screen.
"Oh?"
"Toretto can go fuck himself." Owen finally answered, still not meeting Deckard's eyes.
"You'd really leave a babe to die at the hands of Cipher?" Deckard snapped.
"Is the kid Letty's?"
"What does it matter-"
"Is the kid hers?" Owen stressed.
"I don't think so, but that doesn't matter-"
"Then Toretto can figure things out himself!" Owen snarled. "He's the one who fucked with Cipher, he can deal with the consequences."
"What about his kid?!" Deckard raised his voice and clenched his fist at the small, nearly invisible flinch Owen had. Taking a deep breath, Deckard lowered his voice. "The kid's innocent, Oh. No matter what his parents did or who they are, he doesn't deserve to be near Cipher."
Owen glared up at him, face like stone as he searched Deckard's eyes. Squaring his shoulders, Deckard stared back passively and nearly challenging Owen to go against him.
"I still don't want to help Toretto out." Owen mumbled petulantly as he crossed his arms and leaned back into his seat.
"Then don't think of it that way." Deckard huffed, completely exasperated by his brother's attitude. "We're just saving a baby and sticking one to Cipher."
"Fine."
Rolling his eyes, Deckard left Owen to his sports game as he began to prep everything to rescue Dom's son.
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🕯 𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐲 𝐬𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐥𝐬
𝑻𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒕 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒅𝒔 - Tarot card reading is a form of cartomancy whereby practitioners use tarot cards purportedly to gain insight into the past, present or future. ... A regular tarot deck consists of 78 cards, which can be split into two groups, the Major Arcana and Minor Arcana. ~ ☾︎
Merry Christmas (eve lol) @raggedy-dxctor :)
"Thank you for coming, see you next time!" Escorting their last customer the exhausted barista tiredly pushed through the swinging saloon doors - the enthusiastic smile forced on their lips instantly fading. Today was another busy work day, grateful they didn't have to work afterhours or clean up after any drunk, unwelcomed guests - they shuffled behind the tall bistro table. They took a deep breath, pulling at their face in a drowsy manner and ruffling the hazel strands of disheveled hair that were falling messily infront of their glasses. As they reached for a cup of cider, disgustingly throwing a glance at the egg liquor next to it - the door bells chimed. With a annoyed roll of their citrine colored eyes they pushed up their glasses, huffing while turning around to rather rudely urge the visitor out.
"I don't know if you can read but we're clo-" Cipher stopped abruptly, gulping way too audibly than intended. They gripped the dark wood of the table surface and cleared their throat - straightening their posture and taking a better look at the person who had decided to disturb their peace this late. Immediately Cipher's intuition sparked, a wave of uneasiness and discomfort flashed through their skin - goosebumps rising over the exposed skin of their arms. The person was a stranger to the young bar owner, usually he recognized customers and knew them by name - hell he even offered tarot readings to get to know them better. But this particular intruder was a complete mystery, dark robe and hood covering his form, shadows casted over every feature on his face - a proper look at his eyes would have helped.
The stranger only stood in silence, pulling their white-fur rimmed hood up and further over their head - there was snow dusted over their black robes. A traveler from the north. Cipher had wondered for a moment why a person from that far away was here of all places but quickly remembered the awkward atmosphere between them. She cleared her throat and with unsure movements licked over his dry lips - the foreigner cocked their head and continued to eye them. "I guess another order won't bother me, please take a seat." The incomer nodded subtly and strolled towards a tucked away table in the furthest away corner - what a pain in the ass. Cipher mustered their most polite smile and with a deep sigh made his way towards the cloaked individual. They in return only shot her a swift glance, hidden eyes boring into their golden ones - there it was again such a uneasy aura.
"What would you like to order? I would presume something warm seeing you had a long, cold journey behind you." They pointed to the snow layered on their robes, in which the stranger faintly shook it off. They couldn't help the soft snort that passed their lips. "A glass of water, extra ice please." Cipher was taken aback, not only by the choice of order he placed but by his voice - it was horse and gravelly, making them wonder when the last time was he drank something. The long trip from the north and the freezing temperatures he must have faced clearly left an impact on his throat. The young bartender nodded and was about to turn away when the mysterious guest spoke up: "You offer tarot readin's correct?" Their face wrinkled in suprise, glee pooling in their eyes and twinkling with excitement. "I do! Would you like one?"
And finally Cipher's customer tugged his hood down, strands of black hair disheveled - frostbitten fingertips remained gripping the black material of his cowl. His eyes were a piercing blue, like broken sapphire and bioluminescence water and Cipher payed close attention to the way the color wavered between shades. "Yes, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want one." A sarcastic prick too huh, just her luck tonight - Cipher threw him a short nod and headed back behind the bar table. They could feel his presence in the room, constantly throwing a sneaky look over his shoulders to see him aimlessly staring out the window - what a creep. They prepared his desired ice water and grabbed a tarot deck prior to walking to the weirdo's table. He observed her movements as she sat down across from him and placed down his water. He leaned back in his chair, arms crossed over his chest and mask hiding his expression - Cipher noted how how cold his eyes looked, lifeless even.
"So, how did you know I do my readings? You are obviously not from around this place." Cipher began shuffling the cards in his hands, eyes not leaving the moving deck once as they spoke. The stranger scoffed, rolling his eyes dismissivly and cocking his slit eyebrow at the wanted poster on the wall. "Words spread fast across the highlands," he paused before continuing "oh, and there's this massive sign outside your bar." Cipher's cheeks reddened, focusing on the task at hand again. "Right, yes of course." The northern resident didn't respond, but only tilted his head in what seemed either amusement or smugness - Cipher couldn't tell.
They layed out the cards on the dark wood of the table and took a moment to stabilize their energy. Closing their eyes to focus, Cipher turned around the first of four cards that fell out, the strong message buzzing in their ears. "Now, let's see what the spirits have to say to you!" The noirette perched his elbows on the surface and rested his chin atop of gloved hands - observing Cipher's movements carefully with cautious eyes.
Three of cups - upright.
Queen of swords - reversed.
The moon - reversed.
Death - upright.
Cipher squinted, concentration swirling like stardust around them. "Your first card was a three of cups turned upright, that one represents friendship, happiness and community- you're most likely going to meet somebody new soon or have already met them." The stranger nodded softly, blue orbs lazily taking in the revealed cards, he seemed to take his time looking at their designs and representing pictures. "That person will bring happiness into your life that you never experienced before, maybe even the first feeling of it in a long while." Usually the bartender received bigger reactions from his guests but this one only waited for them to present him the next one. Cipher cleared his throat: "I'm getting a feeling it's not only one particular person but a larger group or sorts - maybe you will join a guild?" The stranger ridiculed the answer with a quick scoff, not giving them anything more.
"Your next card was the Queen of swords reversed - cold hearted, cruel and bitterness. I'm curious about this one." A calm uneasiness washed over the bartender's shoulders, sweeping the sound of distant wind howling with it. "Now this card has lots of different directions as to what it can mean, but in your case - you appear to be putting others off-side." A quirked brow is all they saw change on the stranger's face, his expression covered by the dark mask. "A loner I see," she snickered "A fan of isolating yourself from others, it often puts you in the light of being mean, intolerant or narrow-minded - you should work on that." The blue eyed traveler looked offended, mumbling something incoherent under his breath that Cipher didn't pick up on - she debated on asking him to speak up but decided against it.
Two cards left, yet it seemed like there was much more to this guy's reading. Cipher dragged his fingers over the detailed drawings on the cards, magic buzzing in their fingertips. "Alright, next up- oh." The moon reversed - guilt flooded Cipher's senses, she felt as if this card could have been for both of them.
"Oh?" The unexpected voice of the stranger caused Cipher to jump, they shook their head to dismiss the confusion. "I just haven't seen this card show up often that's all." They picked up the card and set it infront of him, the piece of paper felt extremely heavy in their hand. "Fear, confusion and misinterpretation - I believe you may try to bury unknown feelings deep within your subconscious so you can avoid your dark corners. You aren't ready to face your emotions either - pushing them to the side and pretending as if they don't exist." Cipher glanced at him across the table, blue eyes meeting sulphur gold - they released a breath they didn't know they were holding in. Surprisingly, the late incomer didn't react negatively to the accusations Cipher spurted out - instead urging them to continue qith a flick of their wrist.
"The last one you got is-", Cipher paused, eyes wide and curious , "Death." Before any panic was spread he hastily explained: "D-Don't worry - the death card doesn't represent death itself!" The stranger across from them laughed lowly, the rattling of metal filling Cipher's ears - she felt a teasing look being thrown her way. "I'm aware of that no worries."
He nodded, scolding themselves for jumping to conclusions. "Metamorphosis, the end of a cycle, a new beginning and change." A small smile plastered itself on their lips, this was a good sign - they made sure to let the stranger now by relaxing their gestures. "This could relate back to your first card, a new beginning might just be around the corner - you're near it but there's still a few steps you have to take before you notice it yourself." Quickly they added: "Either way, all cards seem to be pointing to a positive change in your life." The transient inclined his head in understandment, pulling his hood over his head again as he bagan standing up. Cipher didn't even acknowledge when he managed to drink his water but the glass was empty, only a single ice cube melting at the bottom.
The bartender collected their cards, piling them back up and securing them in a tight grip. "Thank you." The stranger bowed lightly and dropped a small bag of coins on the counter, back already turned towards Cipher. "No problem, but please - if you come again do it at a reasonable time yeah?" He laughed, throwing a hidden look over his shoulder - he gripped the handle and dissappeared soundlessly into the night. The young librarian dropped himself in their most comfy chair behind the bar, staring at ceiling - mind filled with thoughts of the weird stranger that decided to spontaneously pay them a visit. Tiredness getting the better of them, they swallowed down the last of their tea and closed their book for the night. If it weren't for that lunatic I could have been in bed by now.
On their way to their bedroom she suddenly halted. Fast. Very fast. They snatched the old wanted poster of off the wall and gave it a stern look, scanning the picture on it intensly. The stranger who visited them, the one they just had a tarot session with, the weirdo who busted into their bar at an ungodly hour - was the same person on that poster. Utterly shocked they took a deep,shaky breath - hands gripping the torn paper harshly.
Under the table, fallen out of the deck - was a card.
Ace of swords - reversed.
Confusion, brutality and chaos.
Watch your next christmas gift be me stormin' your house /threat
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fun facts:
1. though I only have seconds to be online I would like to state I have set up for the most complex come back remaking of various refs in a journal in minecraft enchantment table just for my cv sona and I have a feeling it will be the most “hahah why the f.ck did I do all that for this?” I will ever have done.
2. I have resorted to making playlists to toss affection with filled with utter aggressive affection from my current spotify account and using various vibe sending music I can find to chuck at others. Mochi and Lorel are the first 2 4 this, Zen, Blossom, Cipher Cider, and Andrew are next the second I can get their vibes down.
3. I have a set of rat, marshmallow, and several cacti themed pronouns which I utterly adore that I feel others should know about, (mostly because I can’t stop smiling when others call me a marshmallow or a rat. it’s specifically rat/rat/rats/rats/ratself and marsh/mallow/lows/lows/marshmallowself, though you can use marshself or mallowself too.)
4. just kinda a reminder in case anyone forgot or didn’t know, you can use whatever pronouns or gendered terms you want, you could even call me an “it” and I’ll be cool with it, just please for the love of all things, don’t use they/them/their/theirs/themself on me okay? that’s so far the only set that consistantly over half the time doesn’t work.
5. I basically remembered that being close friends with me is basically friends “with benifits” but the benifits are getting cubbles, humgs, and cheek/forehead kithes
5. u who r reading this is amazing and deserves lots of affection however u desire it <3
#update stuff ig#danny rambles#also watch as I make a f.ckin' mini zeplin or smthin like that 4 my cv sona to travel in the air with#also hihihi every1 who didn't see me that night a while ago
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