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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 10 months

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BFCD Reviews by Nesha: Puppy Dog Pals - Bob & Ana

Not a lot of content for this show, because its for the youngest audience, and they only need a few things, so this show isn’t really a show that would do big on this site. BUT, I did find a few things, probably from kids in the area or people with kids in their lives, whatever, and a few posts I saw that were surprised about Bob being a straight man who has a romantic relationship. So, now I am on a journey to talk about Bob and Ana.

I watched this show because I watch kids shows both to feel them out for kids in my care at work and to decompress from all of the content out there that gets draining and painful to endure because of grit and grime and grimness. And, I think I have found something that I can have as an alternative for Paw Patrol. Kids can see puppies solve mysteries and go on adventures without the copaganda.

Firstly: This is a show where nobody is going to address sexuality. It will not happen, and so his sexuality can be whatever the audience member who wants to branch out into that sort of thing wants to do. But, let’s say for my journey with this series that he is an asexual man - because the show addresses him with he/him pronouns only, it is a preschool show that does not explicitly give sexuality, and I am ace, so we’re first viewing him from an asexual perspective.

Ace people can have relationships, love, affection, and even physical intimacy. The option of doing all these things doesn’t necessarily become futile in this orientation. So, Bob could still have himself some human connection, as a treat. Even if you were used to him being a single man with his pets and inventions who didn’t seem remotely interested in having relationships with other people in a standard way.

Even if we presume he has some other orientation - hetero being the most represented in children’s shows, but bisexuality and fluid orientations are making their way into mainstream content for older kids more and more all the time and kids with other orientations may still see this show for a younger audience and see elements of themselves in Bob. A gay child might be confused as to why Bob has a female love interest when he comes across to them as homosexual, etc.

The conversation about how many queer people get involved in relationships with the opposite sex, and sometimes even begin families is a huge discussion that this is not the place for, but I did want to bring that up, because while I don’t think that’s Bob’s situation, it could be an explanation for a gay audience observing the relationship between these two characters.

Adopt-a-Palooza

The site I was watching this on had delayed captions, so I had to cut them off and I didn’t write down the exact wording, but it was basically both of them taking accountability for running into each other, Bob asked the kitty if he could help them off his head, they exchanged that they thought the other was good with animals, introduced themselves (she was in charge of the volunteers and he was violunteering), then they left their pets to play in the dog park while they went and did their thing for the pet adoptions. (I think if you click on the image it becomes clearer. Will try to have captions in the future ones)

Personally, I think Bob’s nose was wide open the moment he literally bumped into Anaelle. This is the first time we see her, and while they initially collide with each other simultaneously, she soon shows that she's still more coordinated when she catches him from falling a second time moments later.

"Excuse me." "No. Excuse me." Was cutish.

The "you're pretty good with animals " "So are you!"

Ma'am. Sir. That cat, in particular, is traumatized, and Lollie look like her life momentarily flashed before her eyes. The cat saw the moment they effed up and stayed on high alert the rest of the scene. 😅

Since I’m watching this as both an adult who has been in relationships and one who has watched things for a long time, I am used to characters being introduced specifically to become an interest for the main. This is a program created by someone who seems to identify as a man, who seems to be married to a woman. It isn’t a stretch for me that they would introduce a love interest, especially because he already has a steady home life, sort of. Their universe is not exactly like ours, but the nature of things here - the problems are all situational and hardly ever at the hands of a villain, when someone does something wrong or harmful, they almost immediately regret it and apologize... this is a very small child’s show. It is showing very primary connections.

So, whenever Ana is introduced, she could very well be as a love interest or as a background character. She doesn’t show up and automatically become a main, but she does become recurring and Bob does speak of her and talk to her. He calls her “My friend Ana,” because we aren’t sexualizing them and they don’t have a romance brewing, but They do appear to be being set up for that from the moment she shows up and Bob seems interested in knowing her. That spin of his bow tie when he says, “I’m Bob!” Guys. That was this corny cornball of a man flirting, in his way. And any time you see Ana or hear about her after this moment, there is excitement on Bob’s part.

Yes. Bob is a very excitable man. He very much gives you that certain, “Me and the Bad Bitch I Pulled” energy. But, he also is a heightened worrier at times... when it comes to Ana, he tends to generally not worry specifically about something until it clearly goes wrong and she winds up being a person who tells him not to worry in those moments. (Not so much in this episode, because they’re just meeting.)

If Bob weren’t going to wind up with Ana, this would still likely be a very special friendship for him, because we don’t get to see a lot of characters interact with Bob in that way. If anything, I don’t know that we ever really got much of why on Earth Ana was interested in Bob, except that maybe, she’s just a cornball of a person, too. It’s cute.

#Anaelle #Ana x Bob #Puppy Dog Pals #Nesha Photosets #Nesha Hyperfixates #cartoons #kids shows #Black Femme Character with Black Voice Actor #Cree Summer #black and ginger #ships #cartoons ships #love #BFCD Reviews by Nesha #BFCD Reviews by Nesha: Puppy Dog Pals - Bob & Ana #Adopt A Palooza #Girl That's Queuedt #Nesha Watches #Nesha Watches Puppy Dog Pals

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joharvell · 3 years

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you just keep turning up. my two bad pennies.

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marie12141989 · 6 years

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Gabriel x Reader ch. 9

Pairing: Gabriel x Reader

Word Count: 920

“What do you mean you don’t know where she’s at!?!” Lucifer yelled at who you thought was Dr. Sampson, well he was but right now one of the angels was using him as a vessel.

“I mean that I followed her back to the bunker and planned on talking her into joining us and hopefully getting Gabriel on our side but she was gone. The impala’s there but she’s nowhere to be seen and I can’t detect her or the baby.” he said. Anael looked at Lucifer with a worried look on her face.

“Do you think someone got to her before us?” she asked.

“I do actually and I know exactly who it was that would of taken her. He couldn’t get Jack so he’ll go for the next nephilim.” he said standing up. “Find Y/N bring her back and talk her into working with us.” he said.

--------------------------------------With you----------------------------------------

You slowly opened your eyes hoping to see Gabriel beside you only to see an unfamiliar room. You slowly sat up and looked around more, you got up on to your feet and walked over to the door to the room. It had a small window in it for you to look through, when you did you saw two demons standing nearby “Does Asmodeus really think that this is going to work?” the one asked.

“Of course it will there’s no way Gabriel will let anything happen to Y/N or the nephilim she’s carrying.” the second one said.

“That’s what has me worried do you really want to deal with an angry fully powered papa archangel?” the first one asked. You snorted at what he said you were going to have to remember that one. The demons heard you snorting “Is something funny?”

“What? Oh yeah just what you called Gabriel.” you said and you noticed that the demons flinched back from the door. “Anyway what are you guys doing with me?” you asked.

“Isn’t it obvious? You’re carrying Gabriel’s child, Asmodeus is going to use you and the baby to get Gabriel here and force him to join him. As soon as the baby’s born he’s going to take the nephilim and make sure he obeys.” the first demon said. You glared at him and backed away.

“You’re not touching my baby.” you said trying to sound threatening, the demons started to laugh.

“Do you really think we’re afraid of you? When your precious baby’s born you’ll die.” the second one said.

“I wasn’t talking about me even though I’ll fight until my dying breath to keep you away. I was talking about Gabriel, he’ll vaporize each and every single one of you before you even take one step towards our baby.” you said.

“We’ll see about that. As for now since you’re awake how about some food?” the one asked holding a bag of food up. You slowly opened the door and they handed you the bag, you opened it and saw that it was just a salad with dressing and other healthy things.

“So you’re going to feed me?” you asked skeptical.

“Boss’s orders, wants you to be strong and healthy because apparently that’ll keep the nephilim strong and healthy.” the first one said before they both walked away. You opened the container that held the salad and tried a few bites for adding the dressing and digging in, any other time you would of just starved yourself but you didn’t have just yourself to care for anymore and your instincts wouldn’t let you starve yourself now. While you were drinking the water from the bottle that they had put in with your food you sent a prayer out to anyone that could hear you to help you however they could.

---------------------------------In Chuck’s Library---------------------------------

Chuck was sitting and reading a book at his desk it was a book that followed both your life and Gabriel’s life. “Oh I love reading about these two. I’m so glad that I picked Y/N to be Gabriel’s soulmate.” he said to himself. He flipped to the next page and his blood ran cold, he couldn’t believe what he was reading. He flipped to the next page so see that now the book was only letting him know what Gabriel was dealing with at the moment. “What about Y/N? It should be letting me know what’s going on with her too!” he said before shutting the book.

He got up from his desk and headed in the direction of the door the lead to Billie’s office. Billie looked up in surprise “Billie has Y/F/N Y/L/N passed away!?!” he asked afraid of her answer. Billie flipped through the pages of the book in front of her before shaking her head.

“No she hasn’t why? What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I was reading the soulmate book she shares with Gabriel and it just stopped reporting on her! They don’t do that unless one of them has died or something blocks it.” he said. Billie looked just as scared as him, the books had never stopped working for no reason. “I have to get to earth! I have to find her!” he said running out the room. Amara was just coming back from her trip through her garden when he rushed past.

“Chuck! What’s wrong? Where are you going?” she called out.

“To Earth! Something has happened to Y/N!” he said. Amara followed close behind him as soon as she heard just as concerned for you.

#gabriel x reader #season 13 spoiler

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madam-lit-nerd · 6 years

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A Day Unlike Any Other, ch. 1

Chapter 2 | Masterpost

It started out a day like any other...but then again, that’s always how those days start out: no warning, no anticipation. Just a regular day.

First there was the appointment with Balthazar so Castiel could appraise a new piece he’d “stumbled upon in that tawdry little neighborhood downtown, you know the one.” After careful examination, Castiel offered an estimate, Balthazar tried (unsuccessfully) to hide his delight, and then it was on to the meeting with Anael.

They discussed the gala already fast approaching at the end of summer, ending with, “I really think we should consider inviting the Carlsons, Castiel. They’re new money, eager to invest in something different...and I’ll be sure to include your plus one.”

And then, once the guest list had been (yet again) suitably rearranged, and Castiel had been granted his plus one (even though he vehemently assured her that he did not need a plus one), it was on to brunch at the club with Aunt Hester and the ever-tardy Meg.

“We’ll go ahead to the table; I doubt she’ll be here for a little while yet,” Aunt Hester decreed, and Pierre was showing them back.

As they glided past the already seated diners, Hester would incline her head this way and that, deigning to greet some, purposefully ignoring others, but she never actually stopped. Castiel, close behind her, slowed for the occasional firm clap to a broad shoulder or gentle squeeze to a soft hand; just enough to acknowledge, never enough to engage. It was the dance he’d been taught since childhood, the ritual he’d honor until his last breath.

Pierre guided them to their usual table by the front bay window, the one with the marvelous view of the lake that Castiel never actually got to enjoy. Pierre pulled out the seat across from the window for Hester, leaving Castiel to face the restaurant and diners. Not that he minded; it would provide sufficient distraction from Hester’s predictable criticisms of life.

“How is Balthazar today?” Hester asked as she settled her girth into the heavily padded chair. Castiel made sure she was adequately situated before taking his own seat.

Immediately, a cranberry spritzer was set for Hester, an orange juice (with just a little extra splash of vodka) for Castiel. He nodded his thanks to the young waitress, who blushed up to her roots and hurried away to see to her other tables. No one bothered to take their orders; they probably already had their usual dishes nearly ready in the back.

“He was in excellent spirits when I left,” Castiel reported, not bothering to question how she knew he’d met with Balthazar that morning. He’d learned long before that there was little that escaped Hester’s watchful eye. Even without children of her own, she’d somehow managed to claim the coveted position of matriarch within the family tree, and Castiel knew from experience that it would be unwise to question her.

“I should think so; it’s not every day one finds a Rothko just sitting in some back alley shop,” she muttered, her tone derisive. “The way we treat our masters...unacceptable.”

At Castiel’s flat look, she sighed heavily. “I know, my boy, I don’t have to tell you. You are the expert, after all.”

Castiel offered a wan smile, but didn’t comment further. Hester would find something else to discuss on her own, if she wished. But of course, she always wished, and immediately launched into a critique of the wait staff at The Grand the night before.

Castiel nodded in agreement as she disparaged over the young waiter who “actually offered me a Gewürztraminer for my pairing. A Gewürztraminer!” but even as his head nodded, his eyes flitted over to the corner table.

Castiel had noticed the handsome man immediately when they’d been shown to their table, of course. It would be impossible not to notice him in his sharp-cut blazer and bright green tie, matching eyes as green as the foliage that dotted the restaurant, his mouth soft and pink and perfect. His hair was parted sharply, not a single hair out of place.

He sat in the back corner, alone, glancing through a newspaper. If he was expecting someone else to join him, he didn’t act like it. A quick glance at his left hand confirmed that he didn’t wear a wedding ring. Castiel’s gaze skimmed back over his face, those cheekbones, that jawline. Sharp, crisp, clean-shaven: you could damn near cut yourself if you weren’t careful.

Castiel forced his gaze back to his aunt. Two and a half seconds, that was all he could be allowed. Any less, he wouldn’t really be looking; any more, Hester would grow suspicious. Castiel smiled reassuringly, inclining his head to indicate his attention. He knew how these conversations worked; he wouldn’t be required to provide input for another five minutes, at least. He listened to her disparage over pork cutlets for another minute, humming in agreement, before he let his attention wander back to that table.

His eyes flitted again, his mind already starting the two-and-a-half-second timer, when everything quite suddenly froze. The timer tumbled away, forgotten, as green eyes filled his vision, spreading, spreading through his mind and claiming every iota, every thought, every piece, even the pieces that were supposed to remain aware enough to keep him from staring. Because the green-eyed man was staring right back at him, a soft smile playing at the edges of his mouth.

And Castiel found himself smiling back. Not the generic, charming smile he coaxed on for his clients, nor the stiff, requisite smile he plastered on for his family. No, it was a real smile, one that rarely found itself used. But in that moment, staring across the restaurant at a handsome stranger, Castiel finally found use for it.

He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he really should stop staring. Common sense demanded it...and yet, he didn’t feel inclined to listen to common sense in that moment. And if he was reading this correctly, the stranger wasn’t planning on looking away anytime soon either. He stared his fill, just like Castiel did.

But Castiel knew this couldn’t last. Any moment, Hester would notice his distraction, any moment she’d turn to see what had so effectively captured his attention away, any moment she’d declare, “Not for you, my boy. Not this one.” And then that would be the end of it. Castiel would obediently withdraw his gaze, cut off that connection, forget that green pull and soft smile, because he had learned long before what happened when he didn’t obey.

But right now, in this moment, he let himself have this, this tenuous thread between held gazes across a crowded room filled with hushed tones muffled by plush carpets. Because who knew when he would have it again? But even now, captivated as he was by those freckles and straight white teeth, he could sense the shift. Hester’s voice faltered, her eyes narrowed, her body already mid-turn...

“So sorry I’m late!” Meg drawled as she threw herself into the chair Pierre was suddenly pulling out for her. Castiel’s gaze flew to meet hers, as did Hester’s, and the tenuous moment ended. The distraction was (gratefully) all but forgotten as Hester zeroed in on her new target.

“Tardiness is a most unbecoming habit, Megan,” Hester immediately chastised, falling into her usual lecture mode, as she did anytime Meg was in company.

Castiel sighed and settled back in his chair, taking a moment to clear his mind and settle his thoughts. He determined silently that there would be no more stolen glances...he’d nearly forgotten himself, and he couldn’t allow that to happen again. Not in front of Hester.

With his decision made, he steeled his mind for the impending argument, because there was always an argument when it came to Hester and Meg, and focused his attention solely on those at his table, completely blocking out the rest of the restaurant. He tuned back into the conversation at his table just in time to hear Meg plead, “only five thousand dollars! I’ve run into a couple little problems.”

He sighed, already knowing the answer, even as Hester huffed out, “Your irresponsibility regarding the fiscal astounds me!”

“Seriously? My irresponsibility?” Meg’s eyes narrowed. “This, coming from the woman who spent close to seventeen thousand dollars on her dogs last week!”

Hester drew herself upright. “Yes, because they were worth the sum, my dear. You, on the other hand...” she let the thought trail off. As they glared at each other, Castiel slipped his phone from his pocket beneath the table, his fingers discreetly flying over the screen.

When neither woman appeared ready to acquiesce, Castiel prepared to step in. But before he could, Hester hurled her final blow.

“If it’s such a trifling sum, as you seem to think it, why not ask your father?” Meg flinched, but Hester pushed on. “I’m sure Lucifer would be more than willing to share with his own flesh and blood,” her tone was pleasant enough, but her expression was nothing short of cold, calculating. She’d known exactly how to truly wound her niece.

Meg stood stiffly, her entire frame radiating anger. Even in her anger, though, she knew to hold herself in check. She gritted out, “You know, I’ve just remembered another engagement. If you’ll excuse me.”

Before she could whirl away, Castiel rose from his seat, laying a gentle hand on her arm. She turned to him slowly, and he offered her a tentative smile. He recognized the softening in her expression, the relaxation in her bearing as she allowed him to pull her into a hug.

“Check your account,” he whispered under his breath in the moment they held each other tight. And then he was releasing her, smiling gently as she squeezed his hand for the briefest of seconds in silent thanks.

Once she’d left, Castiel settled back into his seat to wait for their food.

“You spoil her,” Hester chastised. Castiel sighed and shook his head, “I didn’t.”

Her eyes widened briefly, the first real show of emotion he’d seen. Her rage and malice were always manufactured, always designed for a specific result...but this shock, it was genuine. He took vicious pleasure in that.

“You’re still in touch with him then.” It wasn’t a question.

Castiel smiled grimly, “Just because you can pretend that he doesn’t exist, that does not mean I have to.”

Before she could supply an adequate response, the waiter appeared to set down their plates. The rest of their brunch, as usual, was spent in silence, broken only by the muted clink of silver and crystal.

Castiel kept his gaze firmly on his plate, refusing the temptation to lift his eyes towards that back corner again. No more mistakes, not today. No matter how very appealing they may be.

But just because Castiel decided something, that didn’t mean that the universe had to agree with him. So it really shouldn’t have been a surprise when, after Castiel had settled Hester in her car and waved her driver away, he found the green-eyed man waiting there, right at his elbow as if he’d been magically summoned at the perfect moment.

His grin was somehow both shy and confident, easygoing and tense; soft enough to draw Castiel in, sharp enough to warn him from getting too close.

“Hi there,” green eyes flashed as soft lips curled upwards.

Castiel never had been very good at heeding warnings.

His name was Dean Smith, and he was an investment banker. He’d just moved to California for work, but he missed his old life back in Kansas. He still needed to transfer his gym membership, he preferred Vonnegut to Brautigan, and he’d take a plain old beer any day.

Castiel couldn’t help the way his eyes followed Dean’s long-fingered hands as he gestured excitedly, or the way his tongue mimicked Dean’s slow swipe over his bottom lip, or the way his fingers itched to trace along that sharp jaw. Everything about him was so bright and distinct, from his voice to his laugh to his mannerisms...and all of it was focused, intently so, on Castiel.

He could understand how this, this sole undivided focus, could become addictive. Or maybe it was having Dean’s undivided focus. The way he smiled softly when Castiel explained his work at the gallery, or laughed boisterously when he confirmed that he maintained a healthy fear of Hester, or teased gently when he confided that he, like most of his family, had been named for an angel.

“You can be my guardian angel any day,” Dean flirted, and Castiel smirked and called out the awful line for what it was.

And when the clock finally tore them back to their respective lives, Castiel left Dean with his number and a promise for a dinner later that week.

As he drove back towards the gallery, his mind raced with the possibilities. It may have started out like any other day, but now, with the promise of more time with Dean heavy in his thoughts... he allowed his smile to grow. It had ended up a day unlike any other.

Dean settled into the plush leather seat, sighing in relief. He always felt anxious about the initial contact, but this had gone better than most.

He waited til he was out in traffic, where the speed and noise would deter any eavesdroppers, before thumbing through his contacts to call Smiley Dental Works.

After two rings, a smooth female voice filled the car. “Smiley Dental Works. How may I help you?”

“Yes, this is customer one-four-seven. I wanted to check on the status of my appointment scheduled for eighteen hundred thirty-four hours.”

A slight pause, then, “Allow me to connect your call.”

Again two rings. This time, a deep voice filtered through the speakers. “Good afternoon, Agent. Status?”

“Initial contact successful,” Dean reported coolly, a smirk settling on his handsome mouth. “Next contact already scheduled.”

So it’s been a while since I wrote anything longer, but I’ve had this banging around in the back of my mind. Let me know what you think!

#yeah i wrote something #Destiel #fbi agent dean #artist castiel #crime family #controlling family

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klarolinefanficdirectory · 7 years

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Fanfiction Updates: 15-18th July 2017

Ch 16: Last Love by IszadeLeon

C 6: Back To The Past by littlesimmer2

Ch 3: Beauty And The Beat by Sophia Chase

New Story: Mourning (French) by neverxgrow

Ch 7: From The Strangest Of Places by Charlie987

Ch 14: What Awaits In The Darkness by Rene1997

Ch 10-12: Raven by Anaelle-KLAROLINE

One Shot: On the wings of a hummingbird by BrightStarShining

Ch 7: Drabbles by Rene1997

One Shot: The Wolf and the Moon by 0oHarleyQuinno0

Ch 5-6: The Realisation Caroline Forbes (Drabble Collection) by DelerithMoriwen

C 16: Monster (Spanish) by lilycantu

Ch 17: How I Met Your Mother (Spanish) by lilycantu

Ch 20: Until We Meet (Drabble Collection) by Asleighxx

Ch 8: The Night Garden by immortalpen

Ch 32: Fancy A Story (Drabble Collection) by gooddame

Ch 22: Soul Mates by The Hybrid 998

Ch 78: To Rely On Te Kindness Of Strangers (Drabble Collection) by honestgrins

Ch 30-31: Songs Of The Moment (Drabble Collection) by 3tinkgemini

Ch 15: Love Or Revenge (Spanish Translation) by littlemisspetrova

Ch 38: A Beautiful Symmetry (Drabbles Collection) by Uppity Bitch

Ch 4: After The Rain (French) by featherink2016

Ch 9: I Was Made To Love You by kc blossom

Ch 10: Jagged Little Tapestry (Drabble Collection) by deathsweetqueen

Ch 5; Something Wicked by cupcakemolotov

Ch 3: Weak by tiffy-wa

One Shot: I waited and waited, but you never came back! by PentoPaper23

One Shot: The Hybrid and She by ezziexklaroline

#klaroline #klaroline fanfiction #and that's it from me for now #see you guys in a week!

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brainheartpizza · 7 years

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Ch 14: Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground

Thirty notes in the mailbox Will tell you that I’m coming home And I think I’m gonna stick around For awhile so you’re not alone

–Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground, The White Stripes

—Far Past: 2011—

Castiel felt Dean’s… longing.

He ignored it, at first. He thought maybe that Dean’s longing for Castiel was all caught up in, undifferentiable from, his longing for his brother, Sam, the hero, who had saved the world. Longing for Sam to be able to see him, see that he finally had the life they had said that they wanted. The love of a good woman, a child to take care of and take care of right, not out of necessity, not by shoplifting and turning tricks and going hungry.

Or he thought maybe it was longing for the life Dean had shared with Sam, so different from the one he was living now. The life on the road. Saving people, hunting things. Castiel had been part of that. Maybe that was why he felt the pull.

He felt Dean’s longing, and he felt something in his own heart. He wasn’t sure what it was, he hadn’t been human long enough to be able to identify it. He thought it might have been longing, too. It ached, sweetly. And its intensity multiplied when he felt Dean’s longing calling him. Dean’s call amplifying whatever it was that he felt in his own heart. Longing calling to longing, he thought, maybe.

He didn’t know how to long for Dean. He didn’t know how to want something that he didn’t have. He didn’t know how to think about living differently than he was living. In Heaven. Obeying.

He thought maybe it didn’t matter, that he didn’t know what to do. He thought maybe Dean was better off thinking Castiel was dead. That if Dean knew Castiel was alive, longing might turn to action, action that might ruin what Dean had built, put him in danger again, bring him back into the life.

Because the life still needed him. Things still went bump in the dark. Heaven still schemed, and Hell still writhed like a snake with its head cut off.

But no. That was not for Dean, now, Castiel decided. That would be cruel. He had lost so much already. Castiel could let him be happy. Castiel could do that much. Dean was happy now. He was happy.

But he longed. For Castiel.

And Castiel ignored it. He thought maybe it wasn’t really longing at all, but guilt that Castiel had died, and Dean hadn’t been able to save him. Not longing, just guilt. He thought it would lessen, fade away, until it was nothing. He thought that Dean’s family in Cicero would fill up his whole heart. He thought Dean would forgive himself. He thought Dean would forget him.

He was wrong. It didn’t lessen. It didn’t fade away. It grew stronger. Almost every day it grew stronger, Dean’s longing for Castiel. And in the nights, it was so strong it throbbed, and brought tears to Castiel’s eyes. Dean longed for him. He didn’t pray, “Castiel who art in Heaven, get your feathery ass down here.” He didn’t call out to Castiel, because he thought Castiel was dead. But he longed for him, in the nights. In the dark. In his cool bed, so much more comfortable than any bed he had slept on for the last decade.

It didn’t lessen. It grew and grew. It called out to Castiel’s heart and Castiel’s heart called back and he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand why his rib cage hurt. He didn’t understand why his thoughts circled back and back and back to Dean. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what was best. He didn’t have any orders, about Dean Winchester any more.

He didn’t have any orders. He could choose.

And he did, he was strong, he chose to ignore it for so long. He wasn’t selfish. He let Dean have his life. His safe, comfortable life. He didn’t ruin it.

But one day… one day the longing was just so strong. It didn’t just ache any more, it stabbed in Castiel’s heart. It stabbed him like a knife. It was so sharp.

He called out to Anael. He called out to his sister, because he hurt, and he didn’t know what to do.

She came to him, in Heaven.

“Castiel,” she said, and looked at him with sad eyes. “Oh, brother. Oh, dear heart. Tell me why you’re hurting.”

“Dean,” he said, just one word, and it quavered. And tears were in his eyes.

Anael wrapped her wings around him, and her hands around his face. “Why do you not go to him?”

Castiel fisted his hands, and squeezed his eyes shut, and the tears flowed out from them. His voice was a whisper, when he replied. “He’s happy, now. He has what he always wanted. I don’t want to… It would only be selfish, to go to him. I don’t want to ruin it. I don’t want to ruin everything he has. He already gave up so much, Ana, he gave up his mother, his father, his brother, he gave them all up for us. I can’t take any more away from him, now.”

Ana’s brow creased. “But he’s not happy, Castiel. He is not happy. Every one of the Host can feel it. He longs for you. He calls out for you, through the firmament. He needs you. He can’t be happy, like this. You are not helping him. You are hurting him.”

Castiel shook his head. “No. It’s better if he thinks I’m dead. It’s better if he doesn’t try… if he doesn’t call attention to himself. It’s better this way. He will forgive himself. He will forget.”

Anael stroked his hair, held him under her chin and closed her eyes. “He is mortal, Castiel. What if he does not forgive? What if he does not forget? What if he dies, and you never went to him. What if he dies, and you never…what if he dies and he never knows?”

“Then he dies, with no monsters chasing him. With no angels trying to force themselves into his body without his consent. He dies free of Heaven’s schemes, and Hell’s evils.” Castiel tries to sound certain when he says this, but it comes out sounding like he is trying to convince himself.

He does not convince Anael. “You don’t believe that, Castiel. You don’t– tell me you don’t believe that. Tell me you understand, what there is between you and Dean. What there could be. Tell me you understand what it’s worth, what it means.”

“Ana,” tears flowed freely from Castiel’s eyes, and his face is crumpled. “I can’t. I just… he thinks I’m dead. I can’t.”

“He’s not happy, Castiel.”

Castiel couldn’t reply to that. He knew it was true. So he just sobbed in Ana’s arms, until he couldn’t sob anymore, and she just held him. And by the time he was done crying, it was morning on Earth, and Dean’s longing had receded, and Castiel went into the Garden, into meditation, and was at peace.

But Dean’s longing came again. It came again, and it was so strong that, even in the Garden, even in the heart of light and peace, it found Castiel, and pierced his heart. It found him, and he heard Anael’s sweet voice, full of such sorrow, telling him, “He’s not happy, Castiel.” And he knew it was true. Dean had a good life now, a life he thought he wanted. But he wasn’t happy. He longed for Castiel.

So Castiel went to him. He hid, but he went to him.

And there Dean was. He was raking leaves. He was wearing jeans and a tshirt and a flannel and a jacket. His face wasn’t happy, or sad. It was just thoughtful. He could have been thinking about anything. If his neighbors had walked by, they could have thought he was thinking about replacing the loose shingle on the roof, or whether he was saving enough for Ben’s college, or whether he was going to need to mow the lawn again this year.

He could have been thinking of any of those things. But he was not. Castiel knew. It was clear as the autumn sun what Dean was thinking of, this close, this go of living. He was thinking of Castiel. He was thinking of blue eyes, and dark hair. He was thinking of how brave Castiel was. He was thinking of how Castiel had rebelled, for him. He was thinking of how Castiel had thrown a fire bomb at Lucifer, knowing that he would die. How Castiel had given himself up, for humanity.

How he knew it wasn’t really humanity that Castiel had given himself up for. Not all of humanity. Just one man. One man, the same one that had made him rebel. One man, and what was he worth, just some guy, raking leaves, and one of the angels of heaven was gone now, gone forever, because of him. One man that had ruined him. Beautiful, sure, fierce, and pure, and Dean had ruined him. Cut him off from his family, brought him low, got him killed. The most beautiful… And Dean had ruined him.

He was thinking of how he wished it weren’t so. How he wishes he could have saved Castiel. How he wishes he could have died in his place.

How he wishes he could have held Castiel in his arms, one time, before he died. How he wishes he could have known what it felt like, to kiss Castiel. How he doesn’t know if Castiel would have wished for that too. How he’ll never know, now.

Castiel stands hidden behind Dean, invisible, unmoving, but for years running down his face. Castiel did wish for that. He wished for it with his whole heart. He rebelled, for that. He was ready to Fall, for that. Anything, for that.

And he could have appeared to Dean, then, and given him that kiss; he could have held Dean in his arms and kissed him on his lips and they could have floated a hundred feet in the air, heady, risen on Castiel’s wings.

But he didn’t. He didn’t. That would be too rash, that would be too much, that would be too soon. He had only come here to see, for himself. To see, and hope maybe that he would see that Dean was happy, that Anael was wrong, that Dean was doing fine and that his longing for Castiel was only a memory, a habit, only lingering, only a candle sure to soon go out.

Anael was not wrong. Dean was not happy. Dean was not thinking about whether or not he would have to mow the lawn again this Fall. Dean was thinking about how he and Castiel had never had a chance, and how he wishes he was dead in Castiel’s place.

Castiel can’t bear it. He releases a part of himself, a wisp of his grace, of his own longing, and he lets it go to Dean. He lets it grow in the green grass at Dean’s feet and turn the pigment in the leaves Dean is raking just a little bit redder.

The world seems more beautiful to Dean, for that moment, before Castiel’s grace fades. The world seems just a little more beautiful, and his longing eases.

Castiel smiles, and goes back to Heaven. Thinking he made it better.

He didn’t make it better

When night falls on Earth, Dean is sitting on his porch, staring at the stars with a beer in his hand. And he raises the beer to his mouth, and thinks about how beautiful the world was that afternoon, and how beautiful it should be now, the night, and the stars, but now instead the sky just seems gray. His longing returns, and it stronger than it was before, so strong that it knocks Castiel off his feet, where he stands in Heaven’s library, trying to put a book back on its shelf. The book falls, pages fluttering, to the floor. Castiel can’t nice to pick it up. He is frozen by Dean’s longing. It is so strong.

It is so strong that Gabriel manifests at Castiel’s side, and smacks him on the back of the head. “Make it stop, dumb fuck,” he says, “I can’t fucking sleep up here because your boyfriend’s pining for you so hard. Make it stop.”

“Gabriel–”

Gabriel interrupts him, pointing a finger at Castiel’s face and narrowing his eyes. “Make. It. Stop.”

And then he disappears again, leaving Castiel alone in a library row that stretches on forever in either direction. And normally Castiel loves the library, loves how it is quiet and calm, but now it seems sad. It seems so empty. The rows go on forever, but there is nothing in them. Certainly not green eyes. Certainly not freckles.

He goes to Dean. He sits by him on the porch, on the swing that hangs there, careful not to let it sway, or creak, under his weight. He goes to Dean and he releases some of his grace into the night sky. Dean experiences it as a cloud dispersing, so that all of a sudden he can see all the stars. So many stars, and the night doesn’t even seem dark, any more.

He sips his beer, and his hand reaches out, toward the porch swing. He doesn’t realize he’s doing it until it’s already done, and then he shakes his head. There’s no one on the porch swing. He’s alone. There’s no one on the porch swing. No one with blue eyes. No one with a trendy coat. There’s no one.

The stars cloud over again. The sky goes dark. The porch swing sways, as if someone has stood up and left. But there is no one. Dean is alone.

*****

#burn and fall again #destiel #cas watching dean rake leaves #;______;#excerpt #they're pining now #but don't worry #it gets real smutty #real fast

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